'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: APRIL 23 – APRIL 30
Monday, April 23:
Guests include Adam Sandler & Chris Rock, Sting & Shaggy and
musical guest Sting & Shaggy. Show 856
Tuesday, April 24: Guests include Kevin James, Questlove and musical guest Sigrid. Show 857
Wednesday, April 25: Guests include Serena Williams, Priyanka Chopra and David Blaine. Show 858
Thursday, April 26: Guests include Kevin Bacon, Alexis Bledel and musical guest The Bacon Brothers. Show 859
Friday, April 27: Guests include Dr. Phil McGraw, Hailey Baldwin and Julio Torres. Show 860
**Monday, April 30: Guests include Roseanne Barr, Tony Hale and musical guest Miguel. Show 861
These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions
QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' April 16 – April 20
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.16.18
Robert De Niro is on the show. His friends call him “Bob,” so backstage I said, “Hi, Bob!” And he said, “It’s Mr. De Niro.”
Let’s
get to some news here. Former FBI Director James Comey was interviewed
on ABC last night, and he said that Trump often changes his story and
contradicts himself. In response, Trump said, "Yes I don't."
Comey’s
promoting his new book “A Higher Loyalty.” Trump is furious about it
because it insults his leadership, and because it forced him to read a
book.
Oh,
and I wanna say congratulations to John Stamos and his wife who had a
baby boy this weekend! And somehow the baby has already aged more than
John Stamos.
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.17.18
Guys,
today is Tax Day! And hopefully, I’m not the first person telling you
that. You’ve still got 20 minutes to make it down to Mexico!
That’s
right, it’s Tax Day! Of course, Stormy Daniels did her taxes. And I
thought this was interesting – she listed her hush money from Donald
Trump under “Gross Income.”
Of course, I’m just kidding. But she did list sleeping with Trump as a “charitable donation.”
Actually, Tax Day is tricky for President Trump. Under "filing status" he crossed out “Married” and wrote "It's Complicated."
Get
this. In honor of Tax Day, Hardee’s offered free breakfast biscuits if
you said the password “Made From Scratch.” Arby’s had a similar deal.
They gave you a free roast beef sandwich with the password, “Made From
Squirrel.”
Yesterday,
President Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen, known for paying hush money for
his clients, revealed that he has ANOTHER client, Sean Hannity. Today,
Hannity said, “I know you’re all stunned,” then everyone was like, “Not
really!”
That’s
right, Hannity's been going on TV to defend President Trump without
revealing that he and Trump have the same lawyer. Which is like Dora the
Explorer going on TV to defend backpacks, without revealing that her
best friend is a talking backpack.
Some
tech news. Twitter went down today in parts of the U.S. So between that
and people deleting Facebook, MySpace was like, "We're back, baby!"
I
heard about an official in Japan who was arrested yesterday for taking
out his garbage in the nude. Wow, when that guy takes out his junk, he
really takes out ALL OF HIS JUNK.
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.18.18
Guys,
big news – 4/20 is just two days away! Though if you’re the kind of
person who celebrates 4/20, something tells me you’re not waiting ‘til
Friday.
The tax deadline was extended by 24 hours yesterday! So if you haven't done your taxes yet – well, you're too late AGAIN.
Letitia
Wright is on the show tonight! She played a gadget expert in "Black
Panther." It’s nice to meet a tech genius who didn’t spend the last two
weeks testifying in Congress.
Let’s
get to some news. This week, Japan’s Prime Minister Shinzo Abe has been
staying at Mar-a-Lago with Trump, and Trump said he wanted to “sneak
out” and play golf with him. While Abe says he just wanted to “sneak
out.”
But
they did play golf this morning. Abe said playing with Trump was kinda
weird. Every time Trump got it in the hole, he’d have his lawyer send it
hush money.
And
last night, Trump and Melania had dinner with Abe and his wife. There
was an awkward moment when Trump kept yelling at the waiter, "This sushi
is raw! Send it back!"
And
I saw that this week Trump officially nominated a new CIA Director,
Gina Haspel. The next step: getting Trump to stop pronouncing her name
as “Gyna.”
You
guys, I saw that this week the Vatican is offering a class on
exorcisms. It’s the only class where the guy in front of you cheats off
your paper by turning his head around 180 degrees.
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.19.18
Guys,
it’s almost 4/20. That’s right it’s 4/20 eve – that special time of
year where stoners spend the entire night waiting for Seth Rogen to come
down the chimney.
Let’s
get to some news. Today, President Trump went to Key West for a
briefing. At first, Trump was confused cuz he thought “Key West” was the
guy married to Kim Kardashian.
Get
this. I read that Trump’s meeting with Kim Jong Un could take place in
Sweden or Switzerland. Apparently it all depends on whether Trump’s in
the mood for meatballs or cheese. (TRUMP) “It’s really a Sophie’s
choice.”
Next
week, Trump is hosting German Chancellor Angela Merkel at the White
House for the second time. This is so historic – it’s the first time
Trump has met with a woman this often and NOT paid her 130,000 dollars.
Earlier
today, Trump found out he made TIME magazine’s list of the “Most
Influential People.” The editors said the annoying part was reading all
the letters of recommendation he wrote for himself. (TRUMP) “Trump is
bigly influential!”
Some
entertainment news. I saw that “Survivor” is coming back for a 37th
season. I think they’re starting to run out of locations – they just
announced that the next season is being held at Costco on a Saturday.
Speaking
of TV. Evan Rachel Wood is on the show tonight! She's the star of
"Westworld," a show about robots that look identical to humans and cause
major chaos. Or, as it's also known, Facebook.
Listen
to this. A group of scientists in Singapore built a robot that can put
together Ikea furniture. That’s when you know something’s wrong – when
it’s easier to build a ROBOT than an Ikea dresser.
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.20.18
Guys,
today is 4/20! So if you see someone who’s totally out of it and eating
lots of snacks, don’t worry, that’s just the President of the United
States.
I
saw that this week, the Senate confirmed Trump’s pick to lead NASA, Jim
Bridenstine. Yeah, “Bridenstine.” It sounds less like a NASA official,
and more like a wedding show on TLC.
Oh,
get this. There’s speculation that Stormy Daniels might run for office.
Stormy says she'd be the first politician in history who's honest about
screwing you.
Speaking
of Stormy Daniels. After she released a sketch of the guy who
threatened her in 2011, Trump called it a "nonexistent man." Or, as Eric
Trump calls that, “a father."
I
saw that Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski just bought a race horse
named Gronk. Yeah, they say he spends most of his time eating grass and
chasing after birds, while the horse just kinda watches.
No comments:
Post a Comment