Thursday, November 23, 2017

Today in TV History - November 2017

Today is Thursday, November 23, 2017

Today in
Television History

1958 - The radio drama "Have Gun Will Travel" debuted. The show began after the end of the TV show of the same name.
Today in
American Bandstand History

1962 - Bobby Vinton performed "Troubles Is My Middle Name" and "Let's Kiss and Make Up" on "American Bandstand."

1963 - April & Nino performed "Deep Purple" on "American Bandstand."

1963 - Dick & DeeDee performed "Turn Around" on "American Bandstand."

1963 - Trini Lopez performed "Kansas City" on "American Bandstand."



Today is Wednesday, November 22, 2017


Today in
Television History

1988 - The 100th episode of "Who's the Boss?" aired on ABC.

2005 - Ted Koppel appeared on "Nightline" for the last time.

Today in
American Bandstand History

1957 - Tom & Jerry (Paul Simon and Art Garfunkel) performed "Hey Schoolgirl" on "American Bandstand."

1960 - Conway Twitty performed "Whole Lotta Shakin' Goin' On" and "C'est Si Bon" on "American Bandstand."

1969 - The Turtles performed "Love in the City" and "Lady-O" on "American Bandstand."

Today is Tuesday, November 21, 2017


Today in
Television History

1980 - CBS aired the "who shot J.R.?" episode of "Dallas."

Today in
American Bandstand History

1960 - Neil Sedaka performed "Calendar Girl" on "American Bandstand."

1961 - The Impressions (with Curtis Mayfield) performed "Gypsy Woman" on "American Bandstand."


Today is Monday, November 20, 2017


Today in
Television History

1968 - The 100th episode of "Green Acres" aired.

1980 - The 200th episode of "M*A*S*H" aired on CBS.

2002 - CBS aired the Victoria's Secret show entitled "Christmas Dreams & Fantasies 2002."

2002 - The German film "Goebbels and Geduldig" aired on national television in Germany. It was the first Germany made satirical film on the Nazis.

Today in
American Bandstand History

1961 - Clarence "Frogman" Henry performed "On Bended Knees" on "American Bandstand."

1965 - Smokey Robinson & the Miracles performed "My Girl Has Gone" on "American Bandstand."

1971 - Coven performed "One Tin Soldier (Legend of Billy Jack)" on "American Bandstand."

1982 - Steel Breeze performed "You Don't Want Me Anymore" on "American Bandstand."

1982 - Sylvia performed "Nobody" on "American Bandstand."

Today is Sunday, November 19, 2017


Today in
Television History

1989 - The Perry Mason TV movie "The Case of the All-Star Assassin" aired.

1999 - The 100th episode of "ER" aired on NBC.

2008 - The 100th episode of "C.S.I.: NY" aired.

Today in
American Bandstand History

1958 - Duane Eddy performed "Cannonball" on "American Bandstand."

1962 - Tommy Boyce performed "I'll Remember Carol" on "American Bandstand."

2002 - Dick Clark, JC Chasez (N' Sync) and Toni Braxton announced the nominees for the 30th annual American Music Awards.


Today is Saturday, November 18, 2017


Today in
Television History

1992 - The 100th episode of "In the Heat of the Night" aired.

1998 - The 100th episode of "Party of Five" aired on FOX.

1998 - The 100th episode of "Star Trek: Voyager" aired.

2001 - ABC aired Britney Spears' first TV concert, "Britney Spears: Live from Las Vegas."

Today in
American Bandstand History

1960 - Mark Dinning performed "The Lovin' Touch" on "American Bandstand."

1967 - Strawberry Alarm Clock performed "Tomorrow" on "American Bandstand."

Today is Friday, November 17, 2017


Today in
Television History

1968 - NBC-TV cut away from the final minutes of a New York Jets-Oakland Raiders game to begin a TV special, "Heidi," on schedule. The Raiders came from behind to beat the Jets 43-32.


Today in
American Bandstand History

1984 - Sheena Easton performed "Strut" and "Hard to Say It's Over" on "American Bandstand."

1984 - The Pat Benatar video for "We Belong" was aired on "American Bandstand."

1984 - Sam Harris performed "Sugar Don't Bite" on "American Bandstand."


Today is Thursday, November 16, 2017


Today in
Television History

1968 - The 100th episode of "Hogan's Heroes" aired.

1997 - The 100th episode of "X-Files" aired on FOX.

Today in
American Bandstand History

1962 - Tommy Roe performed "Susie Darlin'" on "American Bandstand."

1963 - Bobby Bare performed "500 Miles Away from Home" on "American Bandstand."

1968 - Avant-Garde performed "Naturally Stoned" on "American Bandstand."

1974 - Carl Carlton performed "Everlasting Love" on "American Bandstand."

1974 - Bobby Vinton performed "My Melody of Love" on "American Bandstand."

Today is Wednesday, November 15, 2017


Today in
Television History

1985 - The 200th episode of "Dallas" aired on CBS.

1987 - The Perry Mason TV movie "The Case of the Scandalous Scoundrel" aired.

1996 - The reunion movie "Dallas: J.R. Returns" aired on CBS.

1999 - The 50th episode of "Ally McBeal" aired.

Today in
American Bandstand History

1969 - The Cufflinks performed "Tracey" and "When Julie Come Around" on "American Bandstand."

1969 - Dorothy Morrison performed "All God's Children Got Soul" on "American Bandstand."

1975 - ABBA performed "S.O.S." on "American Bandstand."

1975 - David Ruffin performed " Walk Away From Love" on "American Bandstand."


Today is Tuesday, November 14, 2017


Today in
Television History

1988 - The first episode of "Murphy Brown" aired on CBS.


Today in
American Bandstand History

1958 - Eddie Cochran performed "C'mon Everybody" on "American Bandstand."

1960 - Wanda Jackson performed "Let's Have a Party" on "American Bandstand."

1964 - Bobby Freeman performed "S-W-I-M" on "American Bandstand."

1964 - Dick & DeeDee performed "The Mountain's High" and "Thou Shalt Not Steal" on "American Bandstand."

1970 - Freda Payne performed "Deeper and Deeper" and "Band of Gold" on "American Bandstand."

Today is Monday, November 13, 2017


Today in
Television History

1997 - Celine Dion released her first single in Japanese. The song, "Be The Man," was released in Japan only and is the theme to the Japanese TV drama "Eve."

2001 - The 200th episode of "Frasier" aired on NBC.


Today in
American Bandstand History

1957 - Janice Harper performed "Bon Voyage" and "That's Why I Was Born" on "American Bandstand."

1962 - Cliff Richard appeared on "American Bandstand."

1965 - Fontella Bass performed "Rescue Me" on "American Bandstand."

1982 - Toni Basil performed "Mickey" on "American Bandstand."

1982 - Chilliwack performed "Whatcha Gonna Do" on "American Bandstand."


Today is Sunday, November 12, 2017


Today in
Television History

1996 - "Dennis Rodman's World Tour '96" debuted on MTV.


Today in
American Bandstand History

1957 - Joni James performed "Summer Love" on "American Bandstand."

1966 - Count Five performed "Psychotic Reaction" on "American Bandstand."

1966 - Fantastic Johnny C performed "Boogaloo Down Broadway" on "American Bandstand."

1977 - Dorothy Moore performed "I Believe You" on "American Bandstand."

1983 - The Michael Stanley Band performed "My Town" and "Hard Times" on "American Bandstand."

1983 - Midnight Star performed "Wet My Whistle" on "American Bandstand."

Today is Saturday, November 11, 2017


Today in
Television History

1952 - The first video recorder was demonstrated by John Mullin and Wayne Johnson in Beverly Hills, CA.

1984 - Gary Coleman, at age 13, underwent his second kidney transplant in Los Angeles. He had his first transplant at age 5.

2001 - ABC-TV aired the "I Love Lucy 50th Anniversary" special. The show featured never before seen footage.

2010 - Gene Shalit left "The Today Show" after more than 40 years on the show.

Today in
American Bandstand History

1960 - Santo & Johnny performed "Twistin' Bells" on "American Bandstand."

1967 - Van Morrison performed "Brown Eyed Girl" on "American Bandstand."


Today is Friday, November 10, 2017


Today in
Television History


1969 - "Sesame Street" made its debut on PBS.

1980 - CBS News anchor Dan Rather claimed he had been kidnapped in a cab. It turned out that Rather had refused to pay the cab fare.

1999 - Ted Danson received a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.  


Today in
American Bandstand History

1958 - The Four Aces performed "The World Outside" on "American Bandstand."

1959 - Fats Domino performed "Be My Guest" and "I've Been Around" on "American Bandstand."

1973 - Steely Dan performed "My Old School" on "American Bandstand."

1984 - Tommy Shaw performed "Girls with Guns" and "Lonely School" on "American Bandstand."

1984 - The Maria Vidal video for "Body Rock" was aired on "American Bandstand."

1984 - Dwight Twilley performed "Why You Wanna Break My Heart" on "American Bandstand."

Today is Thursday, November 9, 2017


Today in
Television History

1973 - Cat Stevens made his national TV debut on ABC's "In Concert."

1975 - David Bowie appeared on Cher's CBS TV show.

1986 - The Perry Mason TV movie "The Case of the Shooting Star" aired.

1994 - The "Perry Mason Mystery" TV movie "The Case of the Grimacing Governor" aired.

1998 - PBS aired its documentary special "Chihuly Over Venice."


Today in
American Bandstand History

1959 - Annette (Funicello) performed "First Name, Initial" and "My Heart Became of Age" on "American Bandstand."

1960 - Duane Eddy performed "Pepe" on "American Bandstand."

1960 - Joni James performed "My Last Date (With You)" on "American Bandstand."

1962 - Dion performed "Love Came to Me" on "American Bandstand."

1963 - Gene Pitney performed "24 Hours from Tulsa" on "American Bandstand."

1968 - Andy Kim performed "Shoot 'em Up Baby" and "Rainbow Ride" on "American Bandstand."


Today is Wednesday, November 8, 2017


Today in
Television History


1965 - The soap opera "Days of Our Lives" debuted on NBC-TV.

1972 - The premium cable TV network HBO (Home Box Office) made its debut. The first movie shown was "Sometimes a Great Notion."

1979 - The program, "The Iran Crisis: America Held Hostage", premiered on ABC-TV. The show was planned to be temporary, but it evolved into "Nightline" in March of 1980.

1989 - The 100th episode of "Growing Pains" aired on ABC.

1991 - Magic Johnson appeared on "The Arsenio Hall Show." It was his first appearance after announcing that he was HIV positive.

2010 - "Conan" premiered on TBS. 


Today in
American Bandstand History

1957 - Chuck Berry performed "Rock 'n' Roll Music" on "American Bandstand."

1969 - Cass Elliot performed "It's Getting Better" and "Make Your Own Kind of Music" on "American Bandstand."

Today is Tuesday, November 7, 2017


Today in
Television History


1965 - The "Pillsbury Dough Boy" debuted in television commercials.

1986 - Willie Nelson made a guest appearance the series "Miami Vice" as a corrupt policeman.

2003 - Discovery Channel aired the first episode of "Dirty Jobs." 


Today in
American Bandstand History

1958 - The Cadillacs performed "Peek-a-Boo" on "American Bandstand."

1962 - Trade Martin performed "That Stranger Used to be My Girl" and "Jelly Jelly" on "American Bandstand."

1964 - The Everly Brothers performed "Gone Gone Gone" on "American Bandstand."

1970 - Brian Hyland performed "Gypsy Woman" on "American Bandstand."


Today is Monday, November 6, 2017


Today in
Television History

1965 - The Rolling Stones, Strangeloves and Fontella Bass appeared on "Shindig!"

1967 - Phil Donahue began a TV talk show in Dayton, OH. The show, "Donahue," was on the air for 29 years.

2001 - The TV show "24" aired for the first time.

2004 - The Children's Museum of Pittsburgh re-opened. One of the main attractions was the expanded 'Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood.'


Today in
American Bandstand History

1957 - Jerry Reed appeared on "American Bandstand."

1959 - Freddy Cannon performed "Okeee-fun-okee" and "Way Down Yonder in New Orleans" on "American Bandstand."

1965 - The Sunrays performed "I Live For The Sun" on "American Bandstand."

1976 - The Sylvers performed "Hot Line" on "American Bandstand."

1976 - Rick Springfield performed "Take a Hand" on "American Bandstand."

Today is Sunday, November 5, 2017


Today in
Television History

1911 - Roy Rogers was born.

1986 - Dick Clark registered for an initial public stock offering for his TV production company (DCP). The product listed on the registration form was called 'mind candy.'

Today in
American Bandstand History

1957 - The Sparkletones performed "Black Slacks" on "American Bandstand."

1958 - Earl Grant performed "The End" on "American Bandstand."

1986 - Dick Clark registered for an initial public stock offering for his TV production company (DCP). The product listed on the registration form was called 'mind candy.'

1983 - The Mary Jane Girls performed "All Night Long" and "Candy Man" on "American Bandstand."

1983 - Dave Davies performed "Love Gets You" on "American Bandstand."

1983 - The Fixx video for "One Thing Leads to Another" was aired on "American Bandstand."


Today is Saturday, November 4, 2017


Today in
Television History

1972 - The Jackson Five appeared on "Soul Train."

1997 - The 100th episode of "Frasier" aired on NBC.

2010 - The five members of the Backstreet Boys performed on "Oprah." It was the first time all five had performed together since 2006.

Today in
American Bandstand History

1957 - Jerry Lee Lewis performed "Great Balls of Fire" on "American Bandstand."

1967 - Don & the Goodtimes performed "Happy and Me" on "American Bandstand."

1972 - Bobby Womack performed "Sweet Caroline" and "Harry Hippie" on "American Bandstand."

Today is Friday, November 3, 2017


Today in
Television History

1975 - "Good Morning America" premiered on ABC-TV.

1978 - The first episode of "Different Strokes" was aired on NBC.

1993 - The first episode of "The Nanny" was aired by CBS.


Today in
American Bandstand History

1960 - Johnny Burnette performed "You're 16" on "American Bandstand."

1973 - Tavares performed "Check It Out" on "American Bandstand."

1984 - Matthew Wilder performed "Bouncin' Off the Walls" on "American Bandstand."

1984 - The Core Hart video for "It Ain't Enough" was aired on "American Bandstand."

1984 - Honeymoon Suite performed "New Girl Now" on "American Bandstand."


Today is Thursday, November 2, 2017


Today in
Television History

1959 - Charles Van Doren, a game show contestant on the NBC-TV program "Twenty-One" admitted that he had been given questions and answers in advance.

1963 - Dion stormed out of a taping of the English TV show "Ready Steady Go!" He complained that the go-go dancers were distracting him from his performance.

1985 - The South African government imposed severe restrictions on television, radio and newspaper coverage of unrest by both local and foreign journalists.

1998 - U.S. President Clinton gave his first in-depth interview since the White House sex scandal to Black Entertainment Television talk show host and political commentator Tavis Smiley on the network's "BET Tonight with Tavis Smiley."

1998 - CBS debuted the television series "Becker."

1999 - The 100th episode of "3rd Rock from the Sun" aired on NBC.


Today in
American Bandstand History

1960 - Damito Jo performed "I Will Save the Last Dance for You" on "American Bandstand."

1962 - Chubby Checker performed "Limbo Rock" on "American Bandstand."

1963 - Wayne Newton performed "Shirl Girl" on "American Bandstand."

1963 - Dale & Grace performed "I'm Leaving It Up to You" on "American Bandstand."

1968 - The Grass Roots performed "Bella Linda" on "American Bandstand."

Today is Wednesday, November 1, 2017


Today in
Television History

1964 - The Dave Clark Five performed "Glad All Over" on "The Ed Sullivan Show."

1976 - The 100th episode of "Maude" aired.

1994 - Nirvana's "MTV Unplugged" performance was released as "MTV Unplugged in New York."


Today in
American Bandstand History

1957 - The Four Esquires performed "Love Me Forever" on "American Bandstand."

1960 - Jerry Butler performed "He Will Break Your Heart" on "American Bandstand."

1969 - Joe South performed "Games People Play" and "Don't It Make You Wanna Go Home" on "American Bandstand."

1969 - Andy Kim performed "So Good Together" on "American Bandstand."

THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: NOVEMBER 22 – DECEMBER 1

Wednesday, November 22: Guests include Denzel Washington, Allison Williams and musical guest Talib Kweli featuring Rick Ross and Yummy Bingham. Show 775

Thursday, November 23: Guests include Jerry Seinfeld and Robert Irwin. Show 776

Friday, November 24: Guests include Billy Crystal, Derek Hough and the "World of Dance" Winners Les Twins and musical guest Jessie Reyez. OAD 8/8/17

Monday, November 27: Guests include Martin Short, Gina Rodriguez and musical guest Spoon. Victor Wooten sits in with The Roots. Show 777

**Tuesday, November 28: Guests include Daisy Ridley, Jim Belushi and musical guest Liam Gallagher. Monica sits in with The Roots. Show 778

**Wednesday, November 29: Guests include John Boyega, Kevin Nealon and Fallonventions. Show 779

**Thursday, November 30: Guests include Kumail Nanjiani, Kristaps Porzingis and musical guest Miguel. Show 780

**Friday, December 1: Guests include Queen Latifah, Freddie Highmore and musical guest Sam Smith. Show 781

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: NOVEMBER 21 - NOVEMBER 28
Tuesday, November 21: Guests include Gwen Stefani, Justin Hartley, Johnny Bananas and musical guest Gwen Stefani. Show 774

Wednesday, November 22: Guests include Denzel Washington, Allison Williams and musical guest Talib Kweli featuring Rick Ross and Yummy Bingham. Show 775

Thursday, November 23: Guests include Jerry Seinfeld and Robert Irwin. Show 776

**Friday, November 24: Guests include Billy Crystal, Derek Hough and the "World of Dance" Winners Les Twins and musical guest Jessie Reyez. OAD 8/8/17

**Monday, November 27: Guests include Martin Short, Gina Rodriguez and musical guest Spoon. Victor Wooten sits in with The Roots. Show 777

**Tuesday, November 28: Guests include Daisy Ridley, Jim Belushi and musical guest Liam Gallagher. Show 778

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' November 13 – November 17

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.13.17
Well, I saw that President Trump is wrapping up his two-week trip to Asia. Yep, Trump said he couldn’t wait to get home, put on his pajamas, and tweet in his own bed.
During the trip, Trump met with Vladimir Putin. And he called people who criticized the meeting "haters and fools." Then he introduced his new speechwriter - Mr. T. (TRUMP) “I pity you fool!”
And get this. Trump said that he asked Putin if he meddled in our election, and Putin denied it. Is Trump the guy who should be leading that investigation? That's like telling Kevin Spacey to keep an eye on Roy Moore.
And a big breaking story here. It came out that Donald Trump Jr. was in direct contact with WikiLeaks during last year’s election. You can tell Don Jr.’s in trouble, cuz his dad just demoted him to “Eric.”
Oh, listen to this you guys. I heard that O.J. Simpson was kicked out of a bar in Las Vegas for being drunk and belligerent. Wow – just when you think you know someone
And finally, I read that a plane in India had to make an emergency landing after a passenger found out her husband was cheating on her mid-flight. The passengers were like, “Finally! Some good in-flight entertainment!”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.14.17
President Trump is headed home after his trip to Asia. And I saw that at one point, 2000 protesters in the Philippines were shouting, "Go home!" while back in America, 60 million people were shouting, “Stay there!”
Did you see this? Trump just went on Twitter and bragged about a poll showing that he has a 46 percent approval rating. Really? That’s like posting a math quiz on the fridge where you got a D+. "I spelled my name right!"
Yeah, Trump bragged about having a 46 percent approval rating. Well you know what they say – some people see the glass half empty, while others say (TRUMP) “Fake glass!”
You guys, we have Barbara Bush and Jenna Bush Hager on the show tonight! I’m happy they're here – it’s nice to have a president’s kids answer questions without being under oath.
Well, Jeff Sessions testified again as part of the Russia investigation. And at one point, he was questioned about his stance on marijuana. You know, cuz it's a little odd when a guy's anti-weed, but seems to “forget” every conversation he’s ever had.
Another big story right now is this Roy Moore scandal. And get this – there's apparently a "creep list" of men in Congress known for inappropriate sexual behavior. And if you’re a congressman who has to ask if you’re on it – you're on it.
Meanwhile, Joe Biden said he’s open to running for president if no other Democrats step up. You know your party’s in trouble when someone signs up for president the way you sign up for karaoke.
And finally, Amazon just announced that it’s making a “Lord of the Rings” spinoff for TV. They even have a cool name for it: “Game of Thrones.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.15.17
Some news out of Washington. I read that Congress is debating if President Trump should have the power to order a nuclear strike. I guess right now, it’s an even split between “No” and “Hell no.”
They have a good plan though. They’re gonna replace the red button on his desk with the one that orders office supplies from Staples. (TRUMP) “Why do I keep getting all these ink cartridges?? Sad!”
And Trump keeps tweeting that the Justice Department should investigate Hillary Clinton, instead of his ties to Russia. When asked if he knows who runs the Justice Department, he said, (TRUMP) "Of course I do - Superman, Wonder Woman and Ben Affleck."
I read that the FBI is now investigating Russian embassy payments. And get this - there was one memo that was actually labeled "to finance election campaign of 2016." Even people who use the word “password” as their password were like, “Seriously??”
This is interesting -- scientists say that the trees this fall weren't very colorful because dry weather in August and September meant that the leaves fell earlier. They suggest that anybody who still wants to see something dry and orange just visit the White House.
Some business news, here. The company that owns Match.com is in talks to buy Bumble for over a billion dollars. But at their first meeting, Bumble had a friend call midway through in case things were going bad and they wanted to leave.
And finally, I just read that one of the least-returned holiday gifts for women is anti-aging skin cream. So if you're thinking of buying the woman you love anti-aging skin cream - still don't.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.16.17
Well, some shocking news you guys. It just came out that as many as FOUR elected officials have NOT been accused of sexual harassment.
That’s the big story. Radio host Leeann Tweeden came forward and said Senator Al Franken groped her without her consent, and she posted a photo as evidence. In fact it’s so bad, Franken’s already the frontrunner for president.
Meanwhile, it’s been reported that Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore would hang out at the mall in the ‘80s, and try to get teenagers’ phone numbers. He got a lot of numbers, but they were all for “Jenny” at 867-5309.
It’s crazy, though. Two more women have come forward accusing Roy Moore of making unwanted advances at the mall. Which explains that new slogan: "Amazon: So You Don't Run Into Roy Moore at the Mall."
But listen to this. The company that makes the game Cards Against Humanity bought land on the U.S.-Mexico border to try and block Trump's border wall. While the company that makes Jenga won a bid to BUILD Trump’s border wall.
Well, this is pretty big. Last night, a painting by Leonardo da Vinci sold for a record 450 million dollars. The winning bidder said they can't wait to get home and put the painting in a frame they bought at Michaels.
And finally, I saw that Pringles made a new Thanksgiving dinner pack that includes eight new chip flavors inspired by Thanksgiving dishes. Or as single guys will call that: Thanksgiving dinner.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.17.17
You guys, Thanksgiving is less than a week away! A lot of people will be traveling – but here's a tip: before you get a pat down at the airport, make sure it’s from an actual TSA worker, and not a United States senator.
Did you hear about this? At a rally today, Roy Moore’s wife Kayla said Trump should thank him for distracting people from Russia. Then she thanked Al Franken for distracting people from her husband.
And after the Franken story broke yesterday morning, Trump sent out a tweet at 10 p.m., calling him “Al Frankenstein.” That story again: it took Trump a full day to come up with the nickname “Al Frankenstein.” (TRUMP) “Al Frankenberry? Frankenbeans?"
Trump said the Franken picture is really bad, and “speaks a thousand words." But you know who LITERALLY speaks a thousand words? Trump, on that “Access Hollywood” tape.
Another scandal today. I read that Kiss singer Gene Simmons was just banned from Fox News for sexual harassment. How bad did it have to be to get banned from Fox News? That's like being banned from White Castle for being too high.
And did you see this? Yesterday, the Pentagon retweeted a post that called on President Trump to resign, then said it was an accident. They were like, "We only meant to LIKE the tweet."
But this is nice. I saw that Hillary Clinton went to see "Dear Evan Hansen" on Broadway this week. Meanwhile, Bernie Sanders was kicked out of “Stomp” for talking too loud. (BERNIE) “This IS my inside voice!!”

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: NOVEMBER 16 - NOVEMBER 23
Thursday, November 16: Guests include Chance the Rapper, Tim McGraw and Faith Hill and musical guest Tim McGraw and Faith Hill. Show 771

Friday, November 17: Guests include Jessica Chastain, Timothée Chalamet, Justin Verlander and Kate Upton and a musical Tribute to Sharon Jones. Show 772

Monday, November 20: Guests include Bryan Cranston, Stephen Curry and musical guest Goldlink featuring Brent Faiyaz and Shy Glizzy. Show 773

Tuesday, November 21: Guests include Gwen Stefani, Justin Hartley, Johnny Bananas and musical guest Gwen Stefani. Show 774

Wednesday, November 22: Guests include Denzel Washington, Allison Williams and musical guest Talib Kweli featuring Rick Ross and Yummy Bingham. Show 775

**Thursday, November 23: Guests include Jerry Seinfeld and Robert Irwin. Show 776

These listings are subject to change.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: NOVEMBER 15 - NOVEMBER 22

Wednesday, November 15: Guests include Gary Oldman, Gigi Hadid, Darryl Strawberry and musical guest Macklemore featuring Dave B and Travis Thompson. Show 770

Thursday, November 16: Guests include Chance the Rapper, Tim McGraw and Faith Hill and musical guest Tim McGraw and Faith Hill. Show 771

Friday, November 17: Guests include Jessica Chastain, Timothée Chalamet, Justin Verlander and Kate Upton and a musical Tribute to Sharon Jones. Show 772

**Monday, November 20: Guests include Bryan Cranston, Stephen Curry and musical guest Goldlink featuring Brent Faiyaz and Shy Glizzy. Show 773

Tuesday, November 21: Guests include Gwen Stefani, Justin Hartley, Johnny Bananas and musical guest Gwen Stefani. Show 774

**Wednesday, November 22: Guests include Denzel Washington, Allison Williams and musical guest Talib Kweli featuring Rick Ross and Yummy Bingham. Show 775
These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

‘THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON’ TRAVELS TO MINNEAPOLIS FOR POST-SUPER BOWL LII LIVE TELECAST ON FEB. 4
NEW YORK — Nov. 15, 2017 — “The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” is getting in the Super Bowl spirit with a live telecast on Sunday, Feb. 4 immediately following the special post-Super Bowl airing of NBC’s #1 entertainment series and the #1 drama on broadcast television, “This Is Us,” and late local news.

“The Tonight Show” will air from the Orpheum Theatre in Minneapolis, Minn., home of Super Bowl LII. Guests for the Feb. 4 show will be announced at a later date.

This marks “The Tonight Show’s” second post-Super Bowl airing. On Feb. 1, 2015, the show was telecast live from Phoenix following Super Bowl XLIX when the New England Patriots defeated the Seattle Seahawks, 28-24, on a last-second interception.

From Universal Television and Broadway Video, “The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” is executive produced by Lorne Michaels and produced by Gerard Bradford, Mike DiCenzo and Katie Hockmeyer. Jamie Granet-Bederman produces. “The Tonight Show” tapes before a live studio audience from Studio 6B in 30 Rockefeller Center. 

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: NOVEMBER 14 - NOVEMBER 21

Tuesday, November 14: Guests include Michael Strahan, Jenna and Barbara Bush and musical guest Tove Lo. Show 769

**Wednesday, November 15: Guests include Gary Oldman, Gigi Hadid, Darryl Strawberry and musical guest Macklemore featuring Dave B and Travis Thompson. Show 770

**Thursday, November 16: Guests include Chance the Rapper, Tim McGraw and Faith Hill and musical guest Tim McGraw and Faith Hill. Show 771

**Friday, November 17: Guests include Jessica Chastain, Timothée Chalamet, Justin Verlander and Kate Upton and a musical Tribute to Sharon Jones. Show 772

Monday, November 20: Guests include Bryan Cranston, Stephen Curry, Bridget Everett and musical guest Goldlink featuring Brent Faiyaz and Shy Glizzy. Show 773

**Tuesday, November 21: Guests include Gwen Stefani, Justin Hartley, Johnny Bananas and musical guest Gwen Stefani. Show 774

These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: NOVEMBER 10 – NOVEMBER 17
Friday, November 10: Guests include Taraji P. Henson, Miley Cyrus and musical guest Billy Joel and Miley Cyrus from Madison Square Garden. OAD 10/6/17

**Monday, November 13: Guests include Jeff Daniels and Mary J. Blige. Show 768

**Tuesday, November 14: Guests include Michael Strahan, Jenna and Barbara Bush and musical guest Tove Lo. Show 769

**Wednesday, November 15: Guests include Gary Oldman, Gigi Hadid, Darryl Strawberry and musical guest Macklemore. Show 770

**Thursday, November 16: Guests include Tim McGraw and Faith Hill, Julian Edelman and musical guest Tim McGraw and Faith Hill. Show 771

**Friday, November 17: Guests include Jessica Chastain, Timothée Chalamet and a musical Tribute to Sharon Jones. Show 772

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' October 30 – November 2

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.30.17
Some big news out of Washington today. Trump’s former campaign manager Paul Manafort was charged with fraud, tax evasion and money laundering as part of the Russia investigation. I don’t wanna say Trump’s nervous, but he just hopped into a White Ford Bronco and took off down the highway.
Meanwhile, I saw that Donald Trump Jr. and his brother Eric are going to India to launch real estate projects for the Trump Organization. Yeah, it’s all part of a new business strategy called “fleeing the country.”
And this is nice. I saw that Ivanka Trump had a surprise birthday party this weekend. Cuz if there’s one thing you wanna do when everyone’s facing indictments, it’s jumping out and yelling “Surprise!!”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.31.17
I want to wish everybody a Happy Halloween! This is nice. I saw that Trump handed out Halloween candy to kids at the White House last night. It was a chance for kids to take king sized candy bars from fun-sized hands.
A little weird though – while the kids were trick-or-treating, the White House was playing “Trick or Treason.”
People are still talking about the former Trump staffers who got indicted, including a guy named George Papadopoulos. Well today, Trump attacked him on Twitter and referred to him only as “George.” When asked if he was nervous trying to spell “Papadopoulos,” he said, (TRUMP) “I was nervous trying to spell ‘George’!”
I read that to sway the election, Russian agents posted over 1,000 YouTube videos. But then even Putin was like, "Oh my goodness - these comments are so mean!"
This is very cool. I saw that the hosts of the Today Show dressed up as country singers, the hosts of Good Morning America dressed up as superheroes, while the hosts of Fox & Friends denied that it was Halloween. "That's a lie being spread by Hillary Clinton!"
And finally, I read that Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is now the richest person in the world with a net worth of 91.6 billion dollars. His secret? He’s the only person in the world who MAKES money by drunk-shopping on Amazon.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.1.17
I saw that President Trump was talking to members of Congress about his tax reform bill today and says he wants to call it "The Cut Cut Cut Act." I guess that beats the name for his immigration bill - the “Bye Bye Bye Act.”
That’s right, the “Cut Cut Cut Act.” When asked how he thought up the name, he was like (TRUMP) "It just came to me while I was playing "Duck Duck Goose.” (PLAYING GAME) “Cut...cut...cut...ACT!”
This is a pretty big story. It came out that thousands of Americans actually attended a political rally that was organized by Russia. Yep, the rally was called “Trump’s Inauguration.”
Of course, people are still talking about Paul Manafort. I guess he used a fake name when he traveled. It got weird when Russia was like, “Wait - your name is McLovin?”
And get this. Facebook says it shut down nearly six million accounts in the U.S. last October. Five million were Russian agents – while the rest were people who kept posting “so ready for the weekend.”
Check this out. There’s a new study that says most Americans think right now is the lowest point in U.S. history. Not because of Trump, because we have seven TV shows about decorating cake.
Some business news. I read that Papa John’s stock went down this week due to poor sales. You could tell they were tight on cash when Peyton Manning said, (SING TO NATIONWIDE JINGLE) “My check didn’t clear last month.”
Let’s get to some sports you guys. I saw that the Winter Olympics are just 100 days away! That means you have just 100 days to pretend you understand curling.
And finally, this is cool. It just came out that Lady Gaga got engaged over the summer! The wedding will be pretty low key - just 50 or 60 costume changes.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.2.17
I want to say congratulations to the Houston Astros, who won the World Series last night! What a great week for our guest tonight, Jose Altuve. He’s here tonight and the shortest player in Major League Baseball. First, he wins the World Series, then he found out he’s going to Disney World - then he heard he’s tall enough to ride almost all the rollercoasters.
I saw that President Trump leaves for a 12-day trip to Asia tomorrow. It got off to a bad start when he asked, (TRUMP) “How long is the drive? Are we taking the Choo-Choo or the Beep Beep?”
Finally, I saw that Starbucks just unveiled its holiday cups, which had illustrations that customers can color in themselves. It’s perfect for people who are too busy to make their own coffee at home, yet still have enough time to color in a coffee cup.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: NOVEMBER 6 – 10
**Monday, November 6: Guests include Sarah Silverman, Cast of Riverdale, and musical guest Miley Cyrus. OAD 10/3/17

**Tuesday, November 7: Guests include Ricky Gervais, Lin-Manuel Miranda and musical guest Sabrina Carpenter. OAD 10/24/17

**Wednesday, November 8: Guests include Jessica Alba, JB Smoove and Kevin Delaney. OAD 10/25/17

**Thursday, November 9: Guests include Gal Gadot, Desus & Mero and musical guest Miley Cyrus and Billy Ray Cyrus. OAD 10/5/17

**Friday, November 10: Guests include Taraji P. Henson, Miley Cyrus and musical guest Billy Joel and Miley Cyrus from Madison Square Garden. OAD 10/6/17

These listings are subject to change.
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'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: NOVEMBER 3 – NOVEMBER 9

**Friday, November 3: Guests include Madonna, Camila Cabello and musical guest Camila Cabello featuring Young Thug. OAD 9/25/17

Monday, November 6: Guests include Adam Levine, Sam Rockwell and musical guest J Balvin. Show 769

Tuesday, November 7: Guests include Will Ferrell, Sam Smith and musical guest Sam Smith. Show 770

Wednesday, November 8: Guests include Mark Wahlberg, Gina Rodriguez and Brian Regan. Monica sits in with the Roots. Show 771

Thursday, November 9: Guests include Ice T, Tiffany Haddish and musical guest Walk the Moon. Show 772

These listings are subject to change.
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LISTINGS UPDATE: 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: NOVEMBER 2 – NOVEMBER 9
**World Series Champion Jose Altuve added to Thursday, November 2nd (Today)
**Thursday, November 2: Guests include Alec Baldwin, Finn Wolfhard, Gaten Matarazzo, Caleb McLaughlin and Noah Schnapp, World Series Champion Jose Altuve and musical guest Elbow. Show 767

Friday, November 3: Guests include Saoirse Ronan, Julian Edelman, Clive Davis and musical guest Wiz Khalifa featuring Ty Dolla $ign. Show 768

Monday, November 6: Guests include Adam Levine, Sam Rockwell and musical guest J Balvin. Show 769

Tuesday, November 7: Guests include Will Ferrell, Sam Smith and musical guest Sam Smith. Show 770

Wednesday, November 8: Guests include Mark Wahlberg, Gina Rodriguez and Brian Regan. Monica sits in with the Roots. Show 771

**Thursday, November 9: Guests include Ice T, Tiffany Haddish and musical guest Walk the Moon. Show 772

These listings are subject to change.
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'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: NOVEMBER 1 - NOVEMBER 8

Wednesday, November 1: Guests include Chris Hemsworth, Lindsey Vonn and musical guest Maroon 5 featuring SZA. Show 766

Thursday, November 2: Guests include Alec Baldwin, Finn Wolfhard, Gaten Matarazzo, Caleb McLaughlin and Noah Schnapp and musical guest Elbow. Show 767

Friday, November 3: Guests include Saoirse Ronan, Julian Edelman, Clive Davis and musical guest Wiz Khalifa featuring Ty Dolla $ign. Show 768

Monday, November 6: Guests include Adam Levine, Sam Rockwell and musical guest J Balvin. Show 769

Tuesday, November 7: Guests include Will Ferrell, Sam Smith and musical guest Sam Smith. Show 770

**Wednesday, November 8: Guests include Mark Wahlberg, Gina Rodriguez and Brian Regan. Monica sits in with the Roots. Show 771

These listings are subject to change.

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'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: OCTOBER 31 - NOVEMBER 7
Tuesday, October 31: Guests include Millie Bobby Brown, Kelly Clarkson and musical guest Kelly Clarkson. Show 765

Wednesday, November 1: Guests include Chris Hemsworth, Lindsey Vonn and musical guest Maroon 5 featuring SZA. Show 766

Thursday, November 2: Guests include Alec Baldwin, Finn Wolfhard, Gaten Matarazzo, Caleb McLaughlin and Noah Schnapp and musical guest Elbow. Show 767

Friday, November 3: Guests include Saoirse Ronan, Julian Edelman, Clive Davis and musical guest Wiz Khalifa featuring Ty Dolla $ign. Show 768

Monday, November 6: Guests include Adam Levine, Sam Rockwell and musical guest J Balvin. Show 769

**Tuesday, November 7: Guests include Will Ferrell, Sam Smith and musical guest Sam Smith. Show 770

These listings are subject to change.

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'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: OCTOBER 30 – NOVEMBER 6

Monday, October 30: Guests include Blake Shelton, Andrea Martin and musical guest Blake Shelton. Show 764

Tuesday, October 31: Guests include Millie Bobby Brown, Kelly Clarkson and musical guest Kelly Clarkson. Show 765

Wednesday, November 1: Guests include Chris Hemsworth, Lindsey Vonn and musical guest Maroon 5 featuring SZA. Show 766

Thursday, November 2: Guests include Alec Baldwin, Finn Wolfhard, Gaten Matarazzo, Caleb McLaughlin and Noah Schnapp and musical guest Elbow. Show 767

**Friday, November 3: Guests include Saoirse Ronan, Julian Edelman, Clive Davis and musical guest Wiz Khalifa feat. Ty Dolla $ign. Show 768

**Monday, November 6: Guests include Adam Levine, Sam Rockwell and musical guest J Balvin. Show 769

These listings are subject to change.
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QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' October 23 – October 27
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.23.17
Some news out of Washington. President Trump announced that he's releasing thousands of files on JFK - even though they were already set to be released. Then he said, (TRUMP) "Not only that - I’m declaring October 31st Halloween! And we’ll all be saying 'Merry Halloween’ again!”
I want to say congratulations to John Stamos who just got engaged to his girlfriend. That’s right, she’s just 31 and he’s...somehow still 31.
That’s right, John Stamos is getting married. I heard he’s got a pretty good wedding DJ - DJ Tanner.
Guys, I saw that “Boo 2! A Madea Halloween” finished first at the box office this weekend. Tyler Perry’s really busy these days – cuz he’s also Melania Trump’s body double.
Check this out, you guys. Developers are working on a Hyperloop that could get you from Washington D.C. to New York City in just 29 minutes. And once you’re here, you can take a subway from Penn Station to Times Square in just four hours.
This is pretty weird. I heard that people in Hawaii are stealing cans of Spam and reselling them. So if you think you’re having a rough day - imagine being the guy waiting on the corner for his Spam dealer.
And finally, I read about a couple in Orlando who ordered plastic storage bins on Amazon got a delivery filled with 65 pounds of weed. They were like, “Wow - Amazon Prime’s even better than we thought!”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.24.17
Everybody’s talking about this big feud between President Trump and Republican Senator Bob Corker. They were fighting AGAIN. And today, Corker said that Trump is a bad role model for children. And Trump said, (TRUMP) “Not true! I’ve even proven that a child can be elected president!” (That’s pretty inspirational!)
Corker also tweeted about Trump’s behavior and said, "Alert the day care staff." Trump was so mad, he squeezed his juice box, and it went all over his tie.
You know what they say at the White House: “If you don’t have anything nice to say, just tweet it.”
Of course, Trump was quick to respond to Corker. He said that Corker "couldn't even be elected dog-catcher." Then another guy said, (PUTIN) "Great - now I have to rig DOG-CATCHER election too?? It never ends with this guy!"
And this is big. Republican Senator Jeff Flake announced he that he will not seek re-election, and said the GOP was headed in the wrong direction. Or as Trump called it, “Flake News!”
A little business news here. I saw that Delta is hiring 1,000 new flight attendants, and it’s a very tough tryout. When pushing the beverage cart, you have to slam into at LEAST 12 passengers’ knees.
Meanwhile, I read about a woman in Pennsylvania who celebrated her 94th birthday by jumping out of a plane. She thought she was just walking into the bathroom – but still, good for her to just experience that!

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.25.17
Well, it’s still this speech Senator Jeff Flake gave about Trump yesterday. Yep, he criticized Trump for 20 minutes without mentioning him by name. But I think people knew who he meant when he kept referring to “Tweety McTweetface.”
And Trump was tweeting again today. He said that his big meeting with Republican Senators was “a love fest" with multiple standing ovations. They were mostly getting up to leave - but still, that counts as a standing ovation.
Yeah, Trump sent three tweets about how the Senators gave him a standing ovation. It's a big deal for Trump -- he hasn't seen 50 people cheering him on since his inauguration.
Today when he was talking to reporters, Trump said he has "one of the greatest memories of all time." Then Trump said, "And if you don't believe me, ask my sons - Derek and Ron Jr." (And my daughter, Girl Donald.)
Check this out, guys. I saw that one of Albert Einstein’s notes about his theory for a happy life sold at auction for 1.5 million dollars. 1.5 million! It got awkward when the buyer read the note and it said, “Money can’t buy happiness.”
And finally, I read that there are some new airport security measures starting this week, and airlines can conduct short interviews with passengers. Most airlines will ask for the purpose of your trip - while Spirit Airlines will ask if you know how to land a plane.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.26.17
I saw that President Trump did an interview with Lou Dobbs on Fox News last night. And at one point, Dobbs said Trump is “one of the most loved and respected” presidents in history. Even Trump was like, “Now THAT’S Fake News!” (That can’t be true!)
But this is kinda crazy. I read that Queen Elizabeth has made nearly nine million dollars in winnings from her race horses over the past 30 years. She lost most of it betting on cockfights, but still - that's a lot!
But check this out. A Japanese company created a 150-dollar, noise canceling ramen fork to cover up slurping noises. So if you’ve got 150 bucks to spend on a fork - why are you eating ramen??
Guys, listen to this. I read that Massachusetts may join the Atlantic Time Zone, and skip an hour ahead of the East Coast. While Boston would keep its usual time zone - (BOSTON) "It's five o'clock somewhere!"

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.27.17
This is nice. The Trumps just invited kids to the White House for a Halloween party next week - and I saw it’ll have pumpkins carved to look like presidents. But it’ll get awkward when a kid says, (KID, TOUCHING PUMPKIN) “Wow - this one looks so real!” And it says, (TRUMP) “Let go of my face!”
But Halloween at the White House is gonna be really fun. They’re even bringing out the Ouija Board Trump uses to make all his decisions. (TRUMP) “Are you moving it?! You would tell me if you’re moving it, right?”
This is interesting. An article just came out that says most military officers have a negative opinion of President Trump. But Trump said he’s doing fine with the two that matter – Cap’n Crunch and Colonel Sanders.
A big story here, last night President Trump released thousands of documents on the JFK case. But people were a little suspicious when the reports said Hillary did it.
Actually, I read that the CIA and the FBI asked Trump not to release some of the files. When he heard from the CIA and FBI on JFK, Trump said, “OMG, WTF!”
As I mentioned earlier, you guys, Halloween’s just a few days away! Of course, kids everywhere will be trick-or-treating. But several states are warning that candy could contain marijuana. While officials in Colorado are warning that some candy may NOT contain marijuana.
This is pretty crazy. I saw that a man flew 15 miles over South Africa in a chair attached to 80 balloons. While his buddies on the ground were like, (LAUGHING) “Oh man – he’s gonna be SO MAD when he wakes up!”
And get this. A new study finds that seeing a show live and in person doesn’t get you more excited than watching it on TV. Anyway, welcome again, to “The Tonight Show” you guys!

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: OCTOBER 26 – NOVEMBER 2

Thursday, October 26: Guests include Kelly Ripa, Jim Jefferies, musical guest Cole Swindell and Stokley sits in with The Roots. Show 762

Friday, October 27: Guests include Denis Leary, 2 Chainz and musical guest 2 Chainz featuring Travis Scott. Show 763

Monday, October 30: Guests include Blake Shelton, Andrea Martin and musical guest Blake Shelton. Show 764

Tuesday, October 31: Guests include Millie Bobby Brown, Kelly Clarkson and musical guest Kelly Clarkson. Show 765

Wednesday, November 1: Guests include Chris Hemsworth, Lindsey Vonn and musical guest Maroon 5 featuring SZA. Show 766

**Thursday, November 2: Guests include Alec Baldwin, Finn Wolfhard, Gaten Matarazzo, Caleb McLaughlin, Noah Schnapp and musical guest Elbow. Show 767

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: OCTOBER 25 – NOVEMBER 1
Wednesday, October 25: Guests include Jessica Alba, JB Smoove and Kevin Delaney. Show 761

Thursday, October 26: Guests include Kelly Ripa, Jim Jefferies, musical guest Cole Swindell and Stokley sits in with The Roots. Show 762

Friday, October 27: Guests include Denis Leary, 2 Chainz and musical guest 2 Chainz featuring Travis Scott. Show 763

Monday, October 30: Guests include Blake Shelton, Andrea Martin and musical guest Blake Shelton. Show 764

Tuesday, October 31: Guests include Millie Bobby Brown, Kelly Clarkson and musical guest Kelly Clarkson. Show 765

**Wednesday, November 1: Guests include Chris Hemsworth, Lindsey Vonn and musical guest Maroon 5 featuring SZA. Show 766

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: OCTOBER 24 – OCTOBER 31

Tuesday, October 24: Guests include Ricky Gervais, Lin-Manuel Miranda and musical guest Sabrina Carpenter. Show 760

Wednesday, October 25: Guests include Jessica Alba, JB Smoove and Kevin Delaney. Show 761

Thursday, October 26: Guests include Kelly Ripa, Jim Jefferies, musical guest Cole Swindell and Stokley sits in with The Roots. Show 762

Friday, October 27: Guests include Denis Leary, 2 Chainz and musical guest 2 Chainz featuring Travis Scott. Show 763

Monday, October 30: Guests include Blake Shelton, Andrea Martin and musical guest Blake Shelton. Show 764

**Tuesday, October 31: Guests include Millie Bobby Brown, Kelly Clarkson and musical guest Kelly Clarkson. Show 765

These listings are subject to change.
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'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: OCTOBER 23 – OCTOBER 30
**Monday, October 23: Guests include Clive Owen, Colleen Ballinger, Julia Michaels and musical guest Julia Michaels. Show 759

Tuesday, October 24: Guests include Ricky Gervais, Lin-Manuel Miranda and musical guest Sabrina Carpenter. Show 760

Wednesday, October 25: Guests include Jessica Alba, JB Smoove and Kevin Delaney. Show 761

Thursday, October 26: Guests include Kelly Ripa, Jim Jefferies, musical guest Cole Swindell and Stokley sits in with The Roots. Show 762

Friday, October 27: Guests include Denis Leary, 2 Chainz and musical guest 2 Chainz featuring Travis Scott. Show 763

**Monday, October 30: Guests include Blake Shelton, Andrea Martin and musical guest Blake Shelton. Show 764

These listings are subject to change.
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'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: OCTOBER 20 – OCTOBER 27

Friday, October 20: Guests include Hillary Rodham Clinton and musical guest Miley Cyrus. OAD 10/4/17

Monday, October 23: Guests include Clive Owen, Colleen Ballinger and musical guest Julia Michaels. Show 759

**Tuesday, October 24: Guests include Ricky Gervais, Lin-Manuel Miranda and musical guest Sabrina Carpenter. Show 760

Wednesday, October 25: Guests include Jessica Alba, JB Smoove and Kevin Delaney. Show 761

**Thursday, October 26: Guests include Kelly Ripa, Jim Jefferies, musical guest Cole Swindell and Stokley sits in with The Roots. Show 762

**Friday, October 27: Guests include Denis Leary, 2 Chainz and musical guest 2 Chainz featuring Travis Scott. Show 763

These listings are subject to change.
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'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: OCTOBER 18 – OCTOBER 25
Wednesday, October 18: Guests include Ben Stiller, Fred Armisen and musical guests Little Big Town, Kacey Musgraves and Midland. OAD 9/20/17

Thursday, October 19: Guests include Reese Witherspoon, Bono and The Edge and musical guest U2. OAD 9/7/17

Friday, October 20: Guests include Hillary Rodham Clinton and musical guest Miley Cyrus. OAD 10/4/17

Monday, October 23: Guests include Clive Owen, Colleen Ballinger and musical guest Julia Michaels. Show 759

Tuesday, October 24: Guests include Ricky Gervais, Jenna and Barbara Bush and musical guest Sabrina Carpenter. Show 760

**Wednesday, October 25: Guests include Jessica Alba, JB Smoove and Kevin Delaney. Show 761

These listings are subject to change.
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'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: OCTOBER 17 – OCTOBER 24

Tuesday, October 17: Guests include Kate Winslet, Milo Ventimiglia and musical guest G-Eazy featuring Cardi B. OAD 9/26/17

Wednesday, October 18: Guests include Ben Stiller, Fred Armisen and musical guests Little Big Town, Kacey Musgraves and Midland. OAD 9/20/17

Thursday, October 19: Guests include Reese Witherspoon, Bono and The Edge and musical guest U2. OAD 9/7/17

Friday, October 20: Guests include Hillary Rodham Clinton and musical guest Miley Cyrus. OAD 10/4/17

**Monday, October 23: Guests include Clive Owen, Colleen Ballinger and musical guest Julia Michaels. Show 759

**Tuesday, October 24: Guests include Ricky Gervais, Jenna and Barbara Bush and musical guest Sabrina Carpenter. Show 760

These listings are subject to change.
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QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' October 9 – October 13
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.9.17
A big story here. Vice President Mike Pence left the Colts game yesterday after some of the 49ers kneeled during the national anthem. Also, cuz he heard the phrase “man-on-man” and got really uncomfortable.
Can you believe that though? He left before the game even started! Then Giants fans were like, “So? We’ve been doing that all year.”
I read that the cost of Pence's trip to the game was 200 thousand dollars, if you factor in flying, security and hotel rooms. Plus, the ice cream in a helmet Trump asked him to bring back.
Hey you guys, today is Columbus Day! But I read that some cities are observing Indigenous Peoples’ Day instead. While most people said, “Call it whatever you want as long as we get a mattress for 30 percent off.”
And get this. In his speech today, Trump called Christopher Columbus a "skilled navigator." Then at his Comic Con speech, he called Darth Vader a “good dad.”
Another big story. Harvey Weinstein was fired by his company yesterday after being accused of sexual harassment. Not good - they said if he keeps it up, he’ll wind up with his own show on Fox News.
And finally, a new study finds that playing outside may help kids’ eyesight. Kids were like, “Cool!” and then just took their iPads outside.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.10.17
President Trump is back to golfing, and he played with Lindsey Graham yesterday and said it was “wet and windy.” But luckily, some people from Puerto Rico came and threw their paper towels at him. “You can have these back!”
This morning, Trump went on Twitter and talked about signing an executive order on healthcare, saying that he’d use "the power of the pen." Or in his case, the "command of the crayon."
Meanwhile, I read that the U.S. is suspending visa applications from Turkey. Trump was like, (TRUMP) “Don’t worry, we’ll have them back for Thanksgiving.”
And this is kinda weird. I read that Trump stages his photos so that you can’t see his double chin. In response, Trump was like, (TRUMP, LOOK WAY UP) “Fake news!”
Of course, another big story is this Harvey Weinstein scandal. Today, some very serious allegations came out about his sexual misconduct. You can tell they’re bad, cuz Anthony Weiner just unfriended him.
Well, this is kinda crazy. A coach for the Miami Dolphins had to resign after a video surfaced of him snorting white powder. Afterwards, the team was like, “So THAT’S why the 50-Yard line kept disappearing.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.11.17
This morning, President Trump went on a Twitter rant about “fake news,” and threatened to revoke NBC’s broadcast license. Americans are like, (SERIOUS) “Hey - you can threaten our democracy, but you do NOT mess with ‘This is Us.’”
Then later in the day, Trump said it's "disgusting that the press is able to write whatever it wants to write." When asked about the First Amendment, he said, (TRUMP) “Is that the one that says not to talk about Fight Club?”
Get this. I read that Kim Jong Un wants to make the site of his missile launches a tourist destination for families. But for kids to go on the rides, they must be taller than Kim Jong Un.
A big sports story here. The U.S. Men's soccer team failed to qualify for the World Cup after losing to Trinidad and Tobago last night. In response, Trump was like, (TRUMP) “Why did America have to play TWO countries at the same time?! Rigged!”
Check this out. Amazon just announced that teens can now shop on their parents' accounts, but the order will only go through if mom and dad approve it. Or if they click the button that says, “Mom and Dad approve it.”
Amazon is also working with a company to deliver items to the trunk of your car. The company has an interesting name - "The Mafia."

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.12.17
A big story right now is this Vanity Fair article about the White House. They say that Trump’s becoming unhinged, and that he recently shouted "I hate everyone in the White House!" But later, he clarified his remarks, saying, (TRUMP) "Except for me. I still like me a lot."
Yeah, Trump apparently had an outburst and yelled, "I hate everyone in the White House!" When Mike Pence tried to calm him down, Trump said (TRUMP) “Go away! You’re not even my REAL dad!”
The article also said that Trump and Chief of Staff John Kelly have gotten into a lot of shouting matches. Yeah, one time Trump got so angry, he punched the tiniest hole in the wall. (You can actually use it to look at the eclipse.)
I saw that Ikea's teaming up with Amazon to sell its furniture online. They say it's perfect for couples who want to argue in the comfort of their own home.
And finally a new study finds that parents DO actually have a favorite child. The survey also finds if you have to ask – it ain't you.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.13.17
Well, there are still a lot of leaks coming out of the White House, saying that Trump’s really coming unraveled. I guess he’s been walking around, repeating himself over and over. In response, Trump said (TRUMP) “That is totally false - and totally false.” (Not to mention - totally false.)
And did you see this? Today, Trump said that he met with the President of the U.S. Virgin Islands - even though HE is actually the president of the Virgin Islands. Then Trump was like, (TRUMP) “Well that explains why he was so smart and handsome, and had such huge hands.”
Another big story is the executive order Trump signed on health care. He claims his health care order will help millions of people. Then people said, "MILLIONS millions, or crowd at your inauguration 'millions'?"
You guys, today is Friday the 13th! And to celebrate, tattoo parlors are offering 13-dollar tattoos. Cuz what could go wrong getting a cheap tattoo on the unluckiest day of the year?
Check this out, you guys. A company is selling a 15,000 dollar pool table shaped like a banana. It's the perfect way to tell your guests, "I'm horrible with money."
Oh, this is nice. I read about a man in New Jersey who found a winning lottery ticket in an old shirt and won 24 million dollars. When asked what he plans to buy with it, he said, “A thousand banana-shaped pool tables.”

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: OCTOBER 13 – OCTOBER 20

Friday, October 13: Guests include Blake Lively, Gabrielle Union and musical guest Wu-Tang. Show 758

Monday, October 16: Guests include Demi Lovato, John Cleese and musical guest Demi Lovato. OAD 9/18/17

Tuesday, October 17: Guests include Kate Winslet, Milo Ventimiglia and musical guest G-Eazy featuring Cardi B. OAD 9/26/17

Wednesday, October 18: Guests include Ben Stiller, Fred Armisen and musical guests Little Big Town, Kacey Musgraves and Midland. OAD 9/20/17

Thursday, October 19: Guests include Reese Witherspoon, Bono and The Edge and musical guest U2. OAD 9/7/17

Friday, October 20: Guests include Hillary Rodham Clinton and musical guest Miley Cyrus. OAD 10/4/17

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: OCTOBER 12 – OCTOBER 20
**Thursday, October 12: Guests include Miles Teller, P!nk, Austin Rogers and musical guest William Patrick Corgan. Show 757

Friday, October 13: Guests include Blake Lively, Gabrielle Union and musical guest Wu-Tang. Show 758

Monday, October 16: Guests include Demi Lovato, John Cleese and musical guest Demi Lovato. OAD 9/18/17

Tuesday, October 17: Guests include Kate Winslet, Milo Ventimiglia and musical guest G-Eazy featuring Cardi B. OAD 9/26/17

Wednesday, October 18: Guests include Ben Stiller, Fred Armisen and musical guests Little Big Town, Kacey Musgraves and Midland. OAD 9/20/17

**Thursday, October 19: Guests include Reese Witherspoon, Bono and The Edge and musical guest U2. OAD 9/7/17

**Friday, October 20: Guests include Hillary Rodham Clinton and musical guest Miley Cyrus. OAD 10/4/17

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: OCTOBER 11 – OCTOBER 18

**Wednesday, October 11: Guests include Margot Robbie, Stephen Moyer and Rachel Feinstein. Show 756

Thursday, October 12: Guests include Miles Teller, P!nk, Austin Rogers and musical guest Billy Corgan. Show 757

**Friday, October 13: Guests include Blake Lively, Gabrielle Union and musical guest Wu-Tang. Show 758

**Monday, October 16: Guests include Demi Lovato, John Cleese and musical guest Demi Lovato. OAD 9/18/17

**Tuesday, October 17: Guests include Kate Winslet, Milo Ventimiglia and musical guest G-Eazy featuring Cardi B. OAD 9/26/17

**Wednesday, October 18: Guests include Ben Stiller, Fred Armisen and musical guests Little Big Town, Kacey Musgraves and Midland. OAD 9/20/17

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: OCTOBER 9 – OCTOBER 13
Monday, October 9: Guests include Tyler Perry, Lea Michele and musical guest Jhené Aiko featuring Big Sean. Show 754

Tuesday, October 10: Guests include Mandy Moore, Shaquille O’Neal and musical guest Noah Cyrus. Show 755

Wednesday, October 11: Guests include Margot Robbie,Stephen Moyer, Rachel Feinstein and Daveed Diggs sits in with The Roots. Show 756

**Thursday, October 12: Guests include Miles Teller, P!nk, Austin Rogers and musical guest Billy Corgan. Show 757

Friday, October 13: Guests include Blake Lively, Gabrielle Union and musical guest Wu-Tang Clan. Show 758

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' October 3 – October 6

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.3.17
Today President Trump flew to Puerto Rico. He was like, (TRUMP) "These conditions are horrible! How can anyone live like this??" Then an aide said, "Sir, this is LaGuardia. We’re just refueling.”
That’s right - today, Trump went to Puerto Rico to survey the damage done by the hurricane. And Mike Pence will go there tomorrow, to survey the damage done by the president. (PENCE) “I’m very sorry he said that to you.”
But Trump had a nice visit to Puerto Rico. They said it gave all the First Responders a chance to meet with Last Responder.
But everyone’s talking about this. Trump told Puerto Rico that the recovery effort really threw his budget “out of whack.” Puerto Rico said, (SARCASTIC) “Well next time there’s a hurricane, we’ll just push the island out of the way.”
Some news for travelers. United Airlines just launched the shortest domestic flight that’s only 16 minutes long. And somehow, there’s STILL a passenger who decided to eat a tuna sandwich.
This is pretty amazing. Scientists have invented a way for you to change channels on your TV with gestures. Yeah, it’s great for people who like watching sports completely still. (PERFECTLY STILL) “Wow! What a catch! Nobody move!”
And finally, this is cool. I saw that Epcot just celebrated its 35th anniversary. It was also the 35th anniversary of the first Dad sneaking off to get drunk in Germany.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.4.17
You guys, we have former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton on the show tonight! I told her it's an honor to have her here, and I can't wait to chat – and she said, "Dude, I'm just here to see Miley."
That’s right, both Hillary Clinton AND Miley Cyrus are here. Yep, one recorded a song about a wrecking ball – and the other got more votes than one.
But we’re very happy Hillary’s here. Backstage, I asked her if she wanted a drink and she said, "Anything but a White Russian."
Let’s get to some news here. It just came out that Secretary of State Rex Tillerson called President Trump a “moron” and threatened to quit. You can tell the situation’s a mess, cuz Trump started throwing paper towels at it.
And get this. It turns out Mike Pence gave Rex Tillerson a "pep talk" to get him to stay on as Secretary of State. Cuz nothing screams “pep” like a talk from Mike Pence.
But after it came out that Tillerson called Trump a "moron,” Tillerson held a press conference and called the president "smart." Then he said, "Do you think the moron bought it?"
And listen to this. It turns out that Trump’s son-in-law and advisor Jared Kushner had a THIRD private email account that he used for government business. And if you all listen closely, you can hear Hillary backstage laughing.
Get this, you guys. A woman in South Dakota just set the record for the largest teddy bear collection at 8,026. She ALSO set the record for most dates who came back to her apartment, then remembered they have to “get up early” the next day.
And finally, I read about a newly married couple in Massachusetts who were born on the same day in the same hospital. They said, “We have SO much in common, and we even LOOK alike and oh my God we’re twins.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.5.17
I read that President Trump just overtook Pope Francis as the most followed world leader on Twitter. The Pope couldn’t believe it – he said, “We both have more than Beyoncé??” (That can’t be right.)
I guess they could tell Trump passed the pope when a plume of orange smoke came out of the White House.
Trump has more Twitter followers than Pope Francis. But the Pope doesn't mind - he said, "My boss only had 12 followers, and he's still pretty popular."
And did you see this? O.J. Simpson said that during the nine years he’s been in prison, he hasn’t really changed at all. Then his parole officer said, “Oookay – I guess you’re going back to prison.”
Listen to this. I saw that Trix cereal will bring back artificial colors after they were removed to make the cereal healthier. I guess they finally realized that no one’s buying Trix for the health benefits.
This is pretty cool. Google just released a pair of headphones that can translate 40 languages instantly. They say it’s a great way to travel to a new country and find out everyone’s making fun of you. (HURT) “But I LIKE my fanny-pack!”
And finally, I saw that a man from Italy just set a Guinness World Record by putting on 13 pairs of underwear in 30 seconds. On the downside, he’s now banned from Victoria’s Secret.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.6.17
A big story today. The White House is scaling back a rule that requires employers to cover birth control. When asked what people should do for birth control NOW, the White House said, "Think of Trump."
I saw that Trump hosted a Hispanic Heritage event at the White House today. Trump said, (TRUMP) “All day, these people have been calling me by a wonderful, Spanish name - ‘El Moron.’” (I think it means “The Magnificent.”)
But listen to this. I read that Trump spent two hours “fuming” inside the White House, when he heard Rex Tillerson called him a “moron.” But when people heard Trump screaming for two hours, they assumed his tie got caught in the paper shredder again. (TRUMP) “Oh my God! I only have three feet left!”
Let’s get to some sports. I saw that the Red Sox spent over 15,000 dollars on alcohol after making the playoffs. Yeah, 15,000 dollars’ worth of booze - or as people in Boston call that, "pregaming." (BOSTON) "Let's get the REAL party started!"

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: OCTOBER 5 – OCTOBER 12
**Thursday, October 5: Guests include Gal Gadot, Desus & Mero and musical guest Miley Cyrus and Billy Ray Cyrus. Show 752

**Friday, October 6: Guests include Taraji P. Henson, Miley Cyrus and musical guest Miley Cyrus. Show 753

Monday, October 9: Guests include Tyler Perry, Lea Michele and musical guest Jhené Aiko featuring Big Sean. Show 754

Tuesday, October 10: Guests include Mandy Moore, Shaquille O’Neal and musical guest Noah Cyrus. Show 755

Wednesday, October 11: Guests include Margot Robbie, Stephen Moyer, Rachel Feinstein and Daveed Diggs sits in with The Roots. Show 756

**Thursday, October 12: Guests include Miles Teller, P!nk and musical guest Billy Corgan. Show 757

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: OCTOBER 4 – OCTOBER 11

Wednesday, October 4: Guests include Hillary Rodham Clinton and musical guest Miley Cyrus. Show 751

**Thursday, October 5: Guests include Gal Gadot, Desus & Mero and musical guest Miley Cyrus. Show 752

**Friday, October 6: Guests include Taraji P. Henson and musical guest Miley Cyrus. Show 753

Monday, October 9: Guests include Tyler Perry, Lea Michele and musical guest Jhené Aiko featuring Big Sean. Show 754

Tuesday, October 10: Guests include Mandy Moore, Shaquille O’Neal and musical guest Noah Cyrus. Show 755

**Wednesday, October 11: Guests include Margot Robbie, Stephen Moyer, Rachel Feinstein and Daveed Diggs sits in with The Roots. Show 756

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: OCTOBER 3 – OCTOBER 10
Tuesday, October 3: Guests include Sarah Silverman, Cast of Riverdale and musical guest Miley Cyrus. Show 750

Wednesday, October 4: Guests include Hillary Rodham Clinton and musical guest Miley Cyrus. Show 751

**Thursday, October 5: Guests include Gal Gadot and musical guest Miley Cyrus. Show 752

Friday, October 6: Guests include Taraji P. Henson, Desus & Mero and musical guest Miley Cyrus. Show 753

**Monday, October 9: Guests include Tyler Perry, Lea Michele and musical guest Jhené Aiko and Big Sean. Show 754

**Tuesday, October 10: Guests include Mandy Moore, Shaquille O’Neal and musical guest Noah Cyrus. Show 755

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: OCTOBER 2 – OCTOBER 9

Monday, October 2: Guests include Adam Sandler & Dustin Hoffman, Miley Cyrus and musical guest Miley Cyrus. Show 749

Tuesday, October 3: Guests include Sarah Silverman, Cast of Riverdale and musical guest Miley Cyrus. Show 750

Wednesday, October 4: Guests include Hillary Rodham Clinton and musical guest Miley Cyrus. Show 751

Thursday, October 5: Guests include Gal Gadot, Jon Bernthal and musical guest Miley Cyrus. Show 752

Friday, October 6: Guests include Taraji P. Henson, Desus & Mero and musical guest Miley Cyrus. Show 753

**Monday, October 9: Guests include Tyler Perry and Lea Michele. Show 754

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' September 25 – September 29
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.25.17
Well, we had a bunch of big football matchups yesterday. You had the Eagles against the Giants, you had the Patriots against the Texans, and you had the President against everyone.
Yesterday, Trump tweeted that players standing with locked arms for the national anthem is “okay.” Incidentally, “People standing with locked arms” is also the plan for his border wall. (TRUMP) “Red rover, red rover - don’t let anyone come over.”
And after Trump disinvited the Golden State Warriors from the White House, LeBron James called the president a “bum” and said visiting the White House was an honor until Trump showed up. Trump was like, (TRUMP) “Does our healthcare bill cover burns?”
It’s just been insane. Over the weekend, Trump was criticized by LeBron James, Steph Curry, Stevie Wonder, Jay-Z and John Legend. You know it’s 2017 when Kylie Jenner’s pregnant, and we don’t even have time to talk about it.
Yeah - it came out that Kylie Jenner is expecting her first child! When asked about it, Kris Jenner said, "I'm so excited about the new spin-off – I mean addition to the family!"
Another big story today – Anthony Weiner was sentenced to 21 months in prison for his sexting scandal. Weiner can get out in eight months with good behavior, so...he’ll be serving 21 months.
And finally, I read that health experts are warning that some bottles of 7-Up in Mexico have tested positive for meth. Yep, meth and 7-Up – or as we call that, “Mountain Dew.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.26.17
The big story is that for the third straight time, Senate Republicans failed to repeal Obamacare, because they didn’t have the votes. Trump was like, (TRUMP) "Well neither did I, and I still won!"
Actually, when he heard the GOP healthcare bill failed AGAIN, Trump said, (TRUMP) “You won’t believe it, but I think I gotta take a knee for this." ("Why can’t I pass this bill!! You gotta be kidding me!”)
And today, Trump said he's not preoccupied by his feud with the NFL, adding "all I do is work." Which would’ve been great if he hadn’t said that from a Brookstone massage chair. (TRUMP, VIBRATING) “Aaaallll I dooo iiis worrrrrk.”
I saw that while discussing Puerto Rico, Trump said the Atlantic is "a very big ocean.” Trump always sounds like he forgot about a class presentation and is just up there winging it. (TRUMP) “The Atlantic is a very big ocean. A lot of people didn’t know how big it was. It’s one of the top five big oceans out there. It’s very wet.”
And finally, you guys - a new study says that a lack of sleep can actually make you happier. When they heard that, new moms were like, "You wanna say that to my face??"

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.27.17
President Trump has finally addressed the situation in Puerto Rico, and he said that he’ll travel there on Tuesday. Trump said he’s bringing lots of supplies -- in case he gets bored or hungry on the flight over. (TRUMP) “I need a coloring book! My binky!"
Oh, this is big. Trump's tax plan came out today, and it will significantly help wealthy people with children. Then Kim, Kylie and Khloe were like, “Ka-ching!”
That’s right, Trump unveiled his new tax plan - and he said it would actually benefit people who pay the least taxes. Then Americans said, “So…you?”
Paul Ryan said that the tax plan will let people file their taxes on a postcard. Cuz if there’s one group you can count on to fix the IRS, it’s the Post Office.
Oh, I read that investigators could start interviewing White House staff as part of the Russia investigation as soon as this week. When Trump heard that, he said, (TRUMP) "You know what? I better head to Puerto Rico right away."
Last night, a Republican named Luther Strange lost Alabama senate primary. So now, “Luther Strange” will go back to his old job – a villain in a Batman comic.
A big sports story here. Louisville basketball coach Rick Pitino has apparently been fired, after a federal investigation for fraud. And if he’s convicted of any crimes, he could be sentenced to ten years of coaching the Knicks.
Did you hear about this? Twitter is now testing a 280-character limit for tweets. Even “Game of Thrones” is like, “That’s just too many characters.”
Yeah, for the first time, Twitter is testing a 280-character limit for users. Twitter says this will revolutionize the way we start fights with North Korea.
Listen to this, guys. Archaeologists in Boston think they have found Paul Revere’s outhouse. I think the bigger question is: who the hell was looking for Paul Revere’s outhouse?!
And finally, I can’t believe it took this long to happen. Saudi Arabia just announced they will let women drive. Women say that they're excited and can't wait to drive straight out of Saudi Arabia.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.28.17
This week, President Trump unveiled his new tax code, and he said that it will be “simpler to understand.” When asked how simple, he said, (TRUMP) “Even I can understand it.” (That’s very simple, believe me.)
I saw that yesterday, a little girl wore a pantsuit to Hillary Clinton's book signing in New York. Hillary was like, “That is so sweet... (SERIOUS) now are you gonna buy a book or not?”
A musical based on Cher's life will come to Broadway next year. But I dunno - what are the chances you're gonna find people who like both Cher AND Broadway musicals? (Good luck with THAT!)
And this was kinda weird. A woman in Colorado says that after someone hit her car, they left an apology note, and half a joint. It got weirder when he came back later and said, (STONER) “Did I accidentally leave my apology note here?”
And finally I saw that a 45-foot-tall statue of a nude woman will be placed next to the Washington Monument. Which explains why the Washington Monument is like, "Think about baseball, think about baseball, think about baseball..."

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.29.17
It was just announced that President Trump will travel to Asia this November. He said he’s looking forward to visiting the five major powers – China, Japan, South Korea, P.F. Chang’s and Panda Express.
And along the way, Trump will make a stop in Hawaii. Mike Pence would be going, but he heard when you get off the plane, you get lei’d. (PENCE) “That’s sounds improper!”
As tensions rise with Cuba, the U.S. is refusing to issue travel visas and urging Americans not to go there. Trump said he has no comment, other than Cuba (TRUMP) "is an island, surrounded by water, big water, ocean water."
Of course, another big story is the Russia investigation. And it turns out that Russians used Twitter more than Facebook to influence the election. When asked why, they said, (RUSSIAN) “Our parents joined Facebook, is not as cool anymore.”
Meanwhile, I saw that Donald Trump Jr. just got his Secret Service protection back. While his brother Eric is still on one of those child leashes you see at the mall. (TRUMP, PULLING WRIST LEASH) “Put that down, Eric! Don’t eat that, don’t put that in your mouth!”
You guys, tonight was the season premiere of “Dateline,” here on NBC. Yep, Dateline’s the show you cuddle up and watch with your spouse – then spend the rest of the weekend looking at them suspiciously. “You know I don’t have that much insurance, right??”
Did you see this? Art experts in France think they’ve found a nude sketch of the Mona Lisa drawn by Leonardo Da Vinci. They also found a nude self-portrait drawn by his cousin, Anthony Da Weiner.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: SEPTEMBER 29 – OCTOBER 6

Friday, September 29: Guests include Will Forte, Terry Crews and Jack Whitehall. Show 748

Monday, October 2: Guests include Adam Sandler & Dustin Hoffman, Miley Cyrus and musical guest Miley Cyrus. Show 749

Tuesday, October 3: Guests include Sarah Silverman, Cast of Riverdale and musical guest Miley Cyrus. Show 750

Wednesday, October 4: Guests include Hillary Rodham Clinton and musical guest Miley Cyrus. Show 751

Thursday, October 5: Guests include Gal Gadot, Jon Bernthal and musical guest Miley Cyrus. Show 752

Friday, October 6: Guests include Taraji P. Henson, Desus & Mero and musical guest Miley Cyrus. Show 753

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: SEPTEMBER 27 – OCTOBER 6
Wednesday, September 27: Guests include Jared Leto, Nicole Richie and musical guest Tyler, the Creator. Show 746

Thursday, September 28: Guests include Harrison Ford, Rachel Maddow, Kid Golfers and musical guest Charli XCX. Show 747

Friday, September 29: Guests include Will Forte, Terry Crews and Jack Whitehall. Show 748

Monday, October 2: Guests include Adam Sandler & Dustin Hoffman, Miley Cyrus and musical guest Miley Cyrus. Show 749

Tuesday, October 3: Guests include Sarah Silverman, Cast of Riverdale and musical guest Miley Cyrus. Show 750

Wednesday, October 4: Guests include Hillary Rodham Clinton and musical guest Miley Cyrus. Show 751

Thursday, October 5: Guests include Gal Gadot, Jon Bernthal and musical guest Miley Cyrus. Show 752

Friday, October 6: Guests include Taraji P. Henson, Desus & Mero and musical guest Miley Cyrus. Show 753

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: SEPTEMBER 26 – OCTOBER 6

Tuesday, September 26: Guests include Kate Winslet, Milo Ventimiglia and musical guest G-Eazy featuring Cardi B. Show 745

**Wednesday, September 27: Guests include Jared Leto, Nicole Richie and musical guest Tyler, the Creator. Show 746

Thursday, September 28: Guests include Harrison Ford, Rachel Maddow, Kid Golfers and musical guest Charli XCX. Show 747

Friday, September 29: Guests include Will Forte, Terry Crews and Jack Whitehall. Show 748

Monday, October 2: Guests include Adam Sandler & Dustin Hoffman, Miley Cyrus and musical guest Miley Cyrus. Show 749

Tuesday, October 3: Guests include Sarah Silverman, Cast of Riverdale and musical guest Miley Cyrus. Show 750

Wednesday, October 4: Guests include Hillary Rodham Clinton and musical guest Miley Cyrus. Show 751

Thursday, October 5: Guests include Gal Gadot, Jon Bernthal and musical guest Miley Cyrus. Show 752

Friday, October 6: Guests include Taraji P. Henson, Desus & Mero and musical guest Miley Cyrus. Show 753

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: SEPTEMBER 25 – OCTOBER 6
Monday, September 25: Guests include Madonna, Camila Cabello and musical guest Camila Cabello featuring Young Thug. Show 744

Tuesday, September 26: Guests include Kate Winslet, Milo Ventimiglia and musical guest G-Eazy featuring Cardi B. Show 745

Wednesday, September 27: Guests include Jared Leto, Nicole Richie and musical guest Tyler the Creator. Show 746

Thursday, September 28: Guests include Harrison Ford, Rachel Maddow, Kid Golfers and musical guest Charli XCX. Show 747

Friday, September 29: Guests include Will Forte, Terry Crews and Jack Whitehall. Show 748

**Monday, October 2: Guests include Adam Sandler & Dustin Hoffman, Miley Cyrus and musical guest Miley Cyrus. Show 749

**Tuesday, October 3: Guests include Sarah Silverman, Cast of Riverdale and musical guest Miley Cyrus. Show 750

**Wednesday, October 4: Guests include Hillary Rodham Clinton and musical guest Miley Cyrus. Show 751

**Thursday, October 5: Guests include Gal Gadot, Jon Bernthal and musical guest Miley Cyrus. Show 752

**Friday, October 6: Guests include Taraji P. Henson, Desus & Mero and musical guest Miley Cyrus. Show 753

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

‘THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON’ ANNOUNCES OCT. 2-6 AS ‘MILEY WEEK’

Five Days of Special Performances and Comedy From Musical Superstar Miley Cyrus to Celebrate the Release of “Younger Now”
NEW YORK — Sept. 25, 2017 — “The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” will host “Miley Week” Oct. 2-6, with music superstar and longtime friend of the show Miley Cyrus performing each night. This unprecedented weeklong celebration on “The Tonight Show” will kick off with a sit-down chat with Fallon on Monday, Oct. 2 and feature one-of-a-kind performances and sketches. Fans can also expect special guests and surprises all week.
The late-night audience is always in for a surprise when Cyrus is on “The Tonight Show.” She has appeared seven times over the past two years, and was the only guest who completed two episode takeovers. Cyrus and Fallon together have produced many fan-favorite moments, from her crashing as Hashtag the Panda, to the most recent of which saw them busking incognito at the Rockefeller Center subway station.

Her new album, “Younger Now,” is set to be released Sept. 29.Younger Now” is by no means a reinvention, but more a continuation. As the title-track expresses, “No one stays the same.” Cyrus has always been true to herself on her creative journey and has shared her life and experiences with fans through her artistry. Her prior albums were a direct reflection of her unapologetic self, and uncompromising vision of her music. And with “Younger Now,” Cyrus took the full creative reigns with an intention to share a piece of herself, unlike before. She wrote every lyric, co-wrote the music, and co-produced the album.

Cyrus will return as a coach on the 13th season of NBC’s hit music competition series “The Voice,” which premieres tonight, Sept. 25 at 8 p.m. ET/PT.

The schedule for the week of Oct. 2-6 includes:
Monday, Oct. 2:
Adam Sandler and Dustin Hoffman
Miley Cyrus
Performance by Miley Cyrus
Tuesday, Oct. 3:
Sarah Silverman
The Cast of “Riverdale” including K.J. Apa, Lili Reinhart, Camila Mendes, Cole Sprouse and Madelaine Petsch
Performance by Miley Cyrus
Wednesday, Oct. 4:
Hillary Rodham Clinton
Performance by Miley Cyrus
Thursday, Oct. 5:
Gal Gadot
Performance by Miley Cyrus
Friday, Oct. 6:
Taraji P. Henson
Performance by Miley Cyrus

From Universal Television and Broadway Video, “The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” is executive produced by Lorne Michaels and produced by Gerard Bradford, Mike DiCenzo and Katie Hockmeyer. Jamie Granet-Bederman produces. “The Tonight Show” tapes before a live studio audience from Studio 6B in 30 Rockefeller Center.

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' September 18 – September 22
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.18.17
This is pretty big – here in New York City, everyone is at the UN. That’s right, the UN General Assembly kicked off today, and I read that 193 countries will be attending. Yep, they’re all committed to one goal – making New York City traffic a total nightmare.
Actually, one expert said that because of all the quick meetings, the general assembly is like “speed dating from hell.” Or as that’s also known, “speed dating.” (When is speed dating good?)
But after meeting with officials at the UN today, President Trump said there's a good chance of peace in the Middle East. Then he was like, (TRUMP) "The bad news is, I accidentally started a war with Greenland." (They say it’s “Greenland,” but it’s really snowy there! That’s a fake name!)
And tomorrow, Trump will give his first big speech to the UN. His aides have been working with him for days so that he stops pronouncing it "The un." (TRUMP) “It is such an honor to have me addressing the un.” (Are you related to Kim Jong?)
You guys see this? Yesterday, Trump posted a tweet where he refers to Kim Jong Un as "Rocket Man." Which beats the other nickname he gave him: “Lil Kim.”
Meanwhile, I read that people in the White House are worried that other staffers might be wearing a wire for the Russia investigation. Trump assured staffers he's not wearing a wire – it's just the outline from his Spanx.
Hey, I saw that today is Ben Carson’s 66th birthday. It’s a little different on Ben Carson’s birthday – he actually OPENS his eyes to make a wish.
Some news out of London. I read that Prince Charles may not live in Buckingham Palace when he becomes King. Then Queen Elizabeth said, (QUEEN) "Psh - (AIR QUOTES) ‘WHEN’ he becomes King." (I love your optimism, Chucky!)
Let’s get to some sports here. It came out that Kevin Durant apparently uses a second Twitter handle to argue with fans. Yeah, he has a secret Twitter account - then Ted Cruz said, "You can do that?"
And finally, you guys - I read that a married couple in Louisiana was arrested after filming themselves having sex in a Walmart and a Burger King. Of course they were very embarrassed - so they told their friends it was a Target and a Wendy's.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.19.17
President Trump gave his big speech at the UN General Assembly today. And at one point today, he threatened to "totally destroy" North Korea. Yeah, he said he has a good plan to do it too – he’s gonna run for president of North Korea. (He’s already got the hats made and everything!)
Trump’s speech actually got off to a nice start, though. He began by welcoming all the world leaders to New York City. And when he finished his speech, he said, (TRUMP) “Now go home.”
Some major business news, here. Last night, Toys R Us officially filed for bankruptcy, after falling five billion dollars in debt. I guess they tried to pay it off, but the bank said, “This is Monopoly money.”
I saw that today is International Talk Like a Pirate Day. And right before his speech, Trump’s aides were like, “Please don’t.” (TRUMP) “Too late! Already bought the eye patch!” (ARHH you ready for a speech?)
And finally, this is pretty cool. I read that white giraffes were just caught on video for the first time ever. Researchers knew that they were white, cuz they were drinking pumpkin spice lattes.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.20.17
Well, today is the third day of the UN General Assembly. Or as Trump calls it, “Boring Epcot.” (TRUMP) “There’s no rides! No monorail!”
You guys see this? During a speech today, Trump mispronounced the African nation of “Namibia”, and instead called it "Nambia." Then Trump corrected himself and said, (TRUMP) "Sorry, I meant Narnia."
President Trump also talked about the possibility of Peace in the Middle East and said that “stranger things have happened.” Then he said, “For example...me.”
Check this out. I saw that Coca-Cola is selling a new drink in Japan called "Coca-Cola Coffee Plus.” They say it’s great if you like Coke, love coffee, and hate blinking.
And Chipotle just added queso to its menu, but customers are saying it tastes awful. Chipotle was like, “On the way up, or the way down?”
And finally, I read that farmers in Europe are close to growing a 3,000-pound pumpkin. Then Americans said, “Eh – let us know when you ELECT one.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.21.17
Some good news for President Trump. A new poll shows that his approval ratings just rose three points. That’s right – it’s now at four points.
The UN General Assembly is still going on today. North Korea’s foreign minister said Trump’s speech sounded like a “dog barking.” But Trump didn't respond - cuz he was chasing after a firetruck.
And in an interview today, Sean Spicer said that he has never "knowingly" lied to the American people. Then Spicer said, “Startingggggg NOW!”
Check this out, guys. Target is letting customers download an indoor map to help them find their way around the store. While if you get lost at Costco, they just tell you to forget your old life and move in.
I also read that Taco Bell will start serving alcohol at some locations. So the next time you think that YOU’RE having a bad day, imagine the guy who gets cut off by the cashier at Taco Bell. (CRACKING VOICE) “Sir, I think you’ve had enough.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.22.17
You guys, today is the first day of fall! It’s that special time of year when neighbors take turns blowing leaves onto each other’s property.
I do love it, though. It’s so nice seeing the leaves change from deep greens to presidential orange.
Let’s get to some news here. Last night, Kim Jong Un released a rare statement attacking President Trump, and referred to him as a “dotard.” Then Trump said, (TRUMP) “Sticks and stones may break my bones – but words I don’t know will never hurt me.” (Dotard?)
And this is big... Today, John McCain said he will not support the Republican healthcare bill, even though it was written by his best friend in the Senate, Lindsey Graham. You can tell Graham feels betrayed, cuz tonight he released his own cover of "Look What You Made Me Do."
I saw that this morning, First Lady Melania Trump planted vegetables in the White House garden. She started digging at around 11, and by 12, she was able to tunnel out of the White House.
I saw that this week, a truck carrying 40 thousand pounds of vodka overturned in North Carolina. The driver is fine, and said he’s shaken, but not stirred.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: SEPTEMBER 22 – SEPTEMBER 29

Friday, September 22: Guests include the Cast of Will & Grace, Colin Jost, Bruce Bozzi Jr. and musical guest Billie Joe Armstrong. Show 743

Monday, September 25: Guests include Madonna, Camila Cabello and musical guest Camila Cabello featuring Young Thug. Show 744

Tuesday, September 26: Guests include Kate Winslet, Milo Ventimiglia and musical guest G-Eazy featuring Cardi B. Show 745

Wednesday, September 27: Guests include Jared Leto, Nicole Richie and musical guest Tyler the Creator. Show 746

Thursday, September 28: Guests include Harrison Ford, Rachel Maddow, Kid Golfers and musical guest Charli XCX. Show 747

**Friday, September 29: Guests include Will Forte, Terry Crews and Jack Whitehall. Show 748

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: SEPTEMBER 21 – SEPTEMBER 28
Thursday, September 21: Guests include Megyn Kelly, Dave Franco and musical guest Fergie. Show 742

Friday, September 22: Guests include the Cast of Will & Grace, Colin Jost, Bruce Bozzi Jr. and musical guest Billie Joe Armstrong. Show 743

Monday, September 25: Guests include Madonna, Camila Cabello and musical guest Camila Cabello featuring Young Thug. Show 744

Tuesday, September 26: Guests include Kate Winslet, Milo Ventimiglia and musical guest G-Eazy featuring Cardi B. Show 745

Wednesday, September 27: Guests include Jared Leto, Nicole Richie and musical guest Tyler the Creator. Show 746

**Thursday, September 28: Guests include Harrison Ford, Rachel Maddow, Kid Golfers and musical guest Charli XCX. Show 747

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: SEPTEMBER 20 – SEPTEMBER 27

Wednesday, September 20: Guests include Ben Stiller, Fred Armisen, and musical guests Little Big Town, Kacey Musgraves and Midland. Show 741

Thursday, September 21: Guests include Megyn Kelly, Dave Franco and musical guest Fergie. Show 742

Friday, September 22: Guests include the Cast of Will & Grace, Colin Jost, Bruce Bozzi Jr. and musical guest Billie Joe Armstrong. Show 743

Monday, September 25: Guests include Madonna, Camila Cabello and musical guest Camila Cabello featuring Young Thug. Show 744

Tuesday, September 26: Guests include Kate Winslet, Milo Ventimiglia and musical guest G-Eazy featuring Cardi B. Show 745

**Wednesday, September 27: Guests include Jared Leto, Nicole Richie and musical guest Tyler the Creator. Show 746

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

Correction: 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: SEPTEMBER 19 – SEPTEMBER 26
Tuesday, September 19: Guests include Kevin James, Ilana Glazer and musical guest Rudimental featuring James Arthur. Show 740

Wednesday, September 20: Guests include Ben Stiller, Fred Armisen, and musical guests Little Big Town, Kacey Musgraves and Midland. Show 741

Thursday, September 21: Guests include Megyn Kelly, Dave Franco and musical guest Fergie. Show 742

Friday, September 22: Guests include the Cast of Will & Grace, Colin Jost, Bruce Bozzi Jr. and musical guest Billie Joe Armstrong. Show 743

**Monday, September 25: Guests include Madonna, Camila Cabello and musical guest Camila Cabello featuring Young Thug. Show 744

**Tuesday, September 26: Guests include Kate Winslet, Milo Ventimiglia and musical guest G-Eazy featuring Cardi B. Show 745

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: SEPTEMBER 18 – SEPTEMBER 25

Monday, September 18: Guests include Demi Lovato, John Cleese and musical guest Demi Lovato. Show 739

Tuesday, September 19: Guests include Kevin James, Ilana Glazer and musical guest Rudimental featuring James Arthur. Show 740

Wednesday, September 20: Guests include Ben Stiller, Fred Armisen, and musical guests Little Big Town, Kacey Musgraves and Midland. Show 741

Thursday, September 21: Guests include Megyn Kelly, Dave Franco and musical guest Fergie. Show 742

Friday, September 22: Guests include the Cast of Will & Grace, Colin Jost, Bruce Bozzi Jr. and musical guest Billie Joe Armstrong. Show 743

**Monday, September 25: Guests include Madonna, Camila Cabello and musical guest Camila Cabello. Show 744

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' September 11 – September 15

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.11.17
I saw that President Trump spent the weekend at Camp David with his entire Cabinet. Not for meetings – he just didn’t want to be alone after seeing the movie “It.” (TRUMP) “Have John Kelly check under my bed again!”
Meanwhile, Education Secretary Betsy DeVos is going on a "back to school tour" this week and will visit Wyoming, Colorado, Nebraska, Kansas, Missouri and Indiana. Betsy says she’s excited, cuz she’s never been out of the country before.
Last night, Steve Bannon went on “60 Minutes,” and he said that Trump firing James Comey was the “biggest mistake in modern political history.” Except, maybe electing the host of “The Apprentice” President of the United States.
Guys, I read that the company that makes Heinz ketchup picked a 29-year-old to be its new CFO. He was a little shy at the press conference – so they turned him upside down and slapped his bottom til some words came out.
And finally, I read that a woman is suing Delta Airlines because she broke a tooth on an in-flight meal. Delta apologized and said under no circumstances should ANY of its passengers get an in-flight meal.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.12.17
I guess Hillary Clinton’s book “What Happened” came out today, and I heard that it’s almost 500 pages long. Unfortunately, the only person with enough time to read it is Hillary Clinton.
I heard that Hillary will actually be signing books at a Costco in Connecticut. It’s gonna be awkward when someone gets to the front and goes, “Oh, I thought this was the line for cheese samples.”
But everybody is talking about this. Last night on Twitter, Ted Cruz’s official account “liked” a pornographic video. The next time Cruz tries to reach across the aisle, the other Senators will be like, (RETRACTING HAND) "No thank you!”
That’s right, Cruz liked a pornographic video. Some people are wondering if he's gonna hire a PR team to beat this scandal - but Cruz says he plans to beat it alone.
On the plus side, he was wearing a FitBit, so he got his 10,000 steps in.
Oh, this is nice. Today, President Trump became a grandfather for the ninth time. And when asked to name all of his grandkids, Trump just started listing names from “Mambo Number 5.” (TRUMP) "Monica, Erica, Rita, Tina...”
And finally, guys, Apple unveiled its new iPhones today! And get this - they said the iPhone 10 will look at you and “recognize” you. Which means one lucky phone will be like, “Oh my God - Beyoncé!”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.13.17
Hillary Clinton is out promoting her new book, and in an interview this week, she said that if she’d won the election, she would’ve been seen as a “genius.” I don’t know about that, cuz Trump DID win the election, and...nobody’s calling HIM a genius.
But listen to this - in her new book, Hillary said that she took a nap as the results were coming in on Election Night. And while she did that, Bill gathered a month’s worth of clothes and got the hell outta there. (BILL CLINTON, TIP-TOING) “This is gonna be roughhhhhh!”
Meanwhile, I saw that Hillary is going on a cross-country tour to promote the book. Then Democrats said, "Oh - so NOW you'll visit some swing states." (Interesting.)
Hey, I saw that Ted Cruz is launching an investigation to figure out who was responsible for liking a porn video from his Twitter account. He promised to get to the bottom of it, even if it means spending every night in his office, on his computer, alone. (With the door shut. Sock on the doorknob.)
And it came out that Special Counsel Robert Mueller has a letter President Trump wrote with reasons why he was going to fire James Comey. You can tell Trump wrote the letter because he turned all the "S's" into dollar signs and the "O's" into boobs.
Hey, this isn’t good. I heard about a guy in Missouri who tried to propose to his girlfriend on a bridge but ended up dropping the ring into the water. The guy was like, “Oh no, that was a five hundred…. I mean, (LYING) five thousand dollar ring!”
Did you guys see this? A video was just posted of a giant python in the New York City subway wrapped around a handrail. Passengers were like, “Eww! He’s TOUCHING the handrail!” (Do you know how gross that thing is?!)
I thought this was nice. I read about a 99-year-old man in Nebraska who still works on his family farm. The man said he wants to retire but he doesn’t trust his lazy 80-year-old son. (OLD MAN) “That kid’s a real slacker.”
And finally, I read that Delta Airlines just paid a woman 4,000 dollars to give up her seat on an overbooked flight. When asked what she’ll do with the money the woman said, “Buy Spirit Airlines.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.14.17
I saw this morning President Trump tweeted that his border wall is going to be built out of old fences. Which explains why today, millions of Americans walked out of their homes and said, "Where the hell's my fence?"
Trump also went on Twitter to criticize Hillary’s new book - so she responded by saying she’d send him a copy of her children’s book instead. Trump was like, (TRUMP) "Got anything shorter?"
Meanwhile Ivanka Trump said that she doesn't speak out against her dad publicly because "when you're part of a team, you're part of a team." I think what she meant to say is, "when you're part of a will, you're part of a will."
But this big. After meeting with democratic leaders, it seems like Trump changed his mind on DACA. Democrats were like, (WHISPERING) “Ya, we told him it stood for Donuts Across America.”
Hey, Target announced that it will hire 100,000 seasonal employees during the holidays. Ten of them will be on the register - the rest will wander around saying, "I don't work in this department."
And finally, I read about a brother and sister in Michigan who reunited after 50 years apart. Unfortunately, it was on Tinder.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.15.17
I saw that Amazon is removing all the one-star reviews of Hillary Clinton's new memoir "What Happened." But to be fair, they’re also removing all the 5-Star reviews that Hillary gave herself. (TYPING) “I...I mean, SHE is very relatable!!”
Did you see this? It came out that Trump called Attorney General Jeff Sessions an idiot, and Sessions responded by sending a resignation letter to the White House. But no one saw it, cuz the guy who sorts through the resignation letters had also resigned.
Listen to this. I read that California wants to ban self-driving cars from delivering weed. Partly due to safety issues, but mostly cuz they’re worried it’ll freak out the customers. (STONER) “Dude, who’s DRIVING the car?! Are you an alien? Take me to your dealer!”
This is just crazy. Yesterday, Olive Garden sold out of 22,000 unlimited pasta passes in less than a second. It's actually the fastest anyone with an unlimited pasta pass has ever moved.
Hey, this is pretty amazing. I saw that a robot in Italy actually conducted an orchestra performance. While a Roomba in the back of the theater was like, (SMOKER) “I shoulda followed my dreams.”
But get this. A new study found that younger Americans are having less sex, cuz they spend so much time checking their phones. Then Ted Cruz said, “Why not do both?”

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: SEPTEMBER 15 – SEPTEMBER 22
Friday, September 15: Guests include Benedict Cumberbatch, Savannah Guthrie and musical guest Andy Grammer featuring Lunchmoney Lewis. Show 738

Monday, September 18: Guests include Demi Lovato, John Cleese and musical guest Demi Lovato. Show 739

Tuesday, September 19: Guests include Kevin James, Ilana Glazer and musical guest Rudimental featuring James Arthur. Show 740

Wednesday, September 20: Guests include Ben Stiller, Fred Armisen, and musical guests Little Big Town, Kacey Musgraves and Midland. Show 741

Thursday, September 21: Guests include Megyn Kelly, Dave Franco and musical guest Fergie. Show 742

**Friday, September 22: Guests include the Cast of Will & Grace, Colin Jost, Bruce Bozzi Jr. and musical guest Billie Joe Armstrong. Show 743

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: SEPTEMBER 14 – SEPTEMBER 21

Thursday, September 14: Guests include Jake Gyllenhaal, Dr. Jane Goodall and musical guest Yo Gotti featuring Nicki Minaj. Show 737

Friday, September 15: Guests include Benedict Cumberbatch, Savannah Guthrie and musical guest Andy Grammer featuring Lunchmoney Lewis. Show 738

Monday, September 18: Guests include Demi Lovato, John Cleese and musical guest Demi Lovato. Show 739

Tuesday, September 19: Guests include Kevin James, Ilana Glazer and musical guest Rudimental featuring James Arthur. Show 740

Wednesday, September 20: Guests include Ben Stiller, Fred Armisen, and musical guests Little Big Town, Kacey Musgraves and Midland. Show 741

**Thursday, September 21: Guests include Megyn Kelly, Dave Franco and musical guest Fergie. Show 742

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: SEPTEMBER 13 – SEPTEMBER 20

Wednesday, September 13: Guests include Julianne Moore, Shawn Mendes, Spike Jonze featuring Mia Wasikowska and Lakeith Stanfield, and musical guest Maren Morris. Show 736

Thursday, September 14: Guests include Jake Gyllenhaal, Dr. Jane Goodall and musical guest Yo Gotti featuring Nicki Minaj. Show 737

Friday, September 15: Guests include Benedict Cumberbatch, Savannah Guthrie and musical guest Andy Grammer featuring Lunchmoney Lewis. Show 738

Monday, September 18: Guests include Demi Lovato, John Cleese and musical guest Demi Lovato. Show 739

Tuesday, September 19: Guests include Kevin James, Ilana Glazer and musical guest Rudimental featuring James Arthur. Show 740

**Wednesday, September 20: Guests include Ben Stiller, Fred Armisen, and musical guests Little Big Town, Kacey Musgraves and Midland. Show 741

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: SEPTEMBER 12 – SEPTEMBER 19


Tuesday, September 12: Guests include Jennifer Lawrence, Pedro Pascal and musical guest Patti Smith. Herb Alpert sits in with The Roots. Show 735

Wednesday, September 13: Guests include Julianne Moore, Shawn Mendes, Spike Jonze featuring Mia Wasikowska and Lakeith Stanfield, and musical guest Maren Morris. Show 736

Thursday, September 14: Guests include Jake Gyllenhaal, Dr. Jane Goodall and musical guest Yo Gotti featuring Nicki Minaj. Show 737

Friday, September 15: Guests include Benedict Cumberbatch, Savannah Guthrie and musical guest Andy Grammer featuring Lunchmoney Lewis. Show 738

Monday, September 18: Guests include Demi Lovato, John Cleese and musical guest Demi Lovato. Show 739

**Tuesday, September 19: Guests include Kevin James, Ilana Glazer and musical guest Rudimental featuring James Arthur. Show 740

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: SEPTEMBER 11 – SEPTEMBER 18

Monday, September 11: Guests include Seth Meyers, Russell Westbrook and musical guest Prophets of Rage. Show 734

Tuesday, September 12: Guests include Jennifer Lawrence, Pedro Pascal and musical guest Patti Smith. Herb Alpert sits in with The Roots. Show 735

**Wednesday, September 13: Guests include Julianne Moore, Shawn Mendes, Spike Jonze featuring Mia Wasikowska and Lakeith Stanfield, and musical guest Maren Morris. Show 736

Thursday, September 14: Guests include Jake Gyllenhaal, Dr. Jane Goodall and musical guest Yo Gotti featuring Nicki Minaj. Show 737

Friday, September 15: Guests include Benedict Cumberbatch, Savannah Guthrie and musical guest Andy Grammer featuring Lunchmoney Lewis. Show 738

**Monday, September 18: Guests include Demi Lovato, John Cleese and musical guest Demi Lovato. Show 739

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' September 5 – September 8

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.5.17
Well, there’s a lot of news to get to, you guys. On one hand, we have the U.S. Open, and on the other, we have Trump saying it’s closed.
That’s right, it was announced today that President Trump is ending the DACA program, and may deport immigrants who came to the U.S. decades ago. Many people are outraged, while Melania is like, “Well, rules are rules, so see ya!”
That’s right, Trump wants to end the DACA program, but only after a six month delay. You know, cuz by then, it’ll be President Pence’s problem.
But it's very controversial. In fact, President Obama called Trump's decision to end DACA "wrong" and "cruel." But if Obama really wants to save DACA, he should say he hates it -- then Trump’ll say, (TRUMP) “In that case - I LOVE it! I want double the DACA!!”
A lot of celebrity babies are happening right now. It was just announced that Prince William and Kate Middleton are expecting their third child! Kate’s very excited about the baby – in fact, she said she can already feel it waving.
And I saw that Mark Zuckerberg and his wife just had their second daughter, and they wrote her a letter where they tell her not to worry about the future. Then their new baby was like, "Yeah, my dad founded Facebook -- I'm definitely not worried about the future!"
I also wanna say congrats to Serena Williams, who just welcomed a baby girl! The doctor gave the baby to Serena, then Serena returned it, then the doctor sent it back, then Serena returned it again and won the point.
I read that a sailboat near Greece that was in distress was busted for carrying 1,500 pounds of marijuana. Actually the boat wasn’t in distress, turns out it was just being paranoid.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.6.17
Some good news out of Washington, you guys. Today, President Trump announced a new plan to fund the government for the next three months. That’s right, Trump’s going to pay his taxes.
Did you see this? Today, Dennis Rodman offered to straighten things out between Trump and Kim Jong-Un. People were like, "Can't believe I'm saying this, but - let’s give it a shot!"
Meanwhile, Disney CEO Bob Iger spoke out against Trump’s decision to end the DACA immigration program, calling it “cruel and misguided.” And so to get back at Disney, Trump deported all those singing dolls from “It’s a Small World.”
Actually, I read that some White House officials don't think Trump understands what ending DACA really means. In response, Trump said, (TRUMP) "I know, but why don't you tell me so that I know that YOU know."
And former Press Secretary Sean Spicer will give his first paid speech this month here in New York City. They're saying you should get tickets now, cuz there's only all of them left.
Guys, check this out. I saw that Starbucks has started selling a new sushi burrito. When asked how much it costs, Starbucks said, "Don't worry -- you'll pay for it later." (It comes with a key to the bathroom.)
This is kinda funny. A man in California got stuck inside his apartment after a UPS driver wedged a package under his doorknob. Luckily, he was set free when a FedEx driver threw a package at the door and knocked it loose.
That’s right, a guy got stuck in his apartment after a UPS guy stuck a package against his door. I guess none of his neighbors came to help when they heard him shouting, “Help, my package is stuck!”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.7.17
Well guys, it is official - football has begun! But this is cool. I saw that the Patriots will play a game in Mexico this November. And once they’re down there, the rest of the league will say, “Okay - build the wall!” (Quick – we have a chance!)
Meanwhile, I saw that the New York Jets are 1000-to-1 long-shots to win the Super Bowl. That means if you bet just one dollar…you will lose just one dollar.
Let’s get to some news here. Congressional leaders are still upset with President Trump’s decision on the DACA immigration plan. They called it “brainless,” “heartless” and “cowardly.” All Trump needs are some ruby slippers, and he’s off to see the Wizard!

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.8.17
I saw that President Trump’s getting some positive press coverage after he worked with Democrats to pass a government funding bill. Trump says he’s happy with the press - and can’t wait to ruin it with one tweet. (TRUMP, TWEETING) “I hate Santa!”
And listen to this. It came out that Nancy Pelosi asked the president to tweet that Dreamers here on the DACA immigration program have nothing to worry about - and he actually did! Then she said, “Okaaay - now tweet that you’re resigning.” (Ah, it was worth a shot.)
But get this. The White House confirmed that Trump had a private meeting with Russia’s new ambassador today. Trump said, (TRUMP) “It’s very nice to meet you” - and the ambassador said, “Dad - it’s me! Don Jr!”
I thought this was very nice. Melania Trump donated a set of Dr. Seuss books to schools across the country for “National Read a Book Day.” Which backfired when Trump got home and said, (TRUMP) “Where are all my books?” (Are they on a chair? Are they in my hair??)
Speaking of books. Hillary Clinton wrote a new tell-all about the election called “What Happened,” and she goes after Bernie Sanders, Joe Biden and President Obama. I mean, Hillary trashing Democrats, and Trump working WITH them? Is TODAY Freaky Friday?
Oh, this is pretty big. The horror movie “It” comes out this weekend! Then parents who want revenge for watching “Frozen” 500 times were like, “Kids – let’s go to the movies! Come on!” (Go see a real one. A CLOWN’S in it!)
Let’s get to some sports here. Even though they were big favorites, the New England Patriots lost to the Kansas City Chiefs last night. Then today, the Patriots published a book about their loss called, "What Happened."
You see, after the game, Bill Belichick said the Patriots, quote "just weren't competitive enough - especially on offense and defense." So, if they can just work on those two minor things, they should all be set. "Offense and defense? OK, coach!" (Ya great, we’ll get right on that. Then we’ll be better! Throwing and catching too?)
Hey, I saw that this week was Prince George's first day of school! It’s a little different. Teachers actually have to ask HIM if they can use the bathroom. (BRITISH) “Are you sure, George? Do you mind if we use it now? We’ll be very quick.”
Listen to this. I read about a gang of wild turkeys that’s been terrorizing a town in Oregon. However, officials expect the problem to work itself out around late November.
And finally, you guys, it is Fashion Week here in New York City! Models wear crazy outfits to show off this season’s new styles – then we all head to Old Navy and buy gym shorts and yoga pants.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: SEPTEMBER 8 – SEPTEMBER 15

Friday, September 8: Guests include James Franco, Kendall Jenner and musical guest Pete Townshend and Alfie Boe. Show 733.

Monday, September 11: Guests include Seth Meyers, Russell Westbrook and musical guest Prophets of Rage. Show 734

Tuesday, September 12: Guests include Jennifer Lawrence, Pedro Pascal and musical guest Patti Smith. Herb Alpert sits in with The Roots. Show 735

Wednesday, September 13: Guests include Julianne Moore, Shawn Mendes and musical guest Maren Morris. Show 736

Thursday, September 14: Guests include Jake Gyllenhaal, Dr. Jane Goodall and musical guest Yo Gotti featuring Nicki Minaj. Show 737

**Friday, September 15: Guests include Benedict Cumberbatch, Savannah Guthrie and musical guest Andy Grammer featuring Lunchmoney Lewis. Show 738

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: SEPTEMBER 7 – SEPTEMBER 14


Thursday, September 7: Guests include Reese Witherspoon, Bono and The Edge and musical guest U2. Show 732

Friday, September 8: Guests include James Franco, Kendall Jenner and musical guest Pete Townshend and Alfie Boe. Show 733.

Monday, September 11: Guests include Seth Meyers, Russell Westbrook and musical guest Prophets of Rage. Show 734

Tuesday, September 12: Guests include Jennifer Lawrence, Pedro Pascal and musical guest Patti Smith. Herb Alpert sits in with The Roots. Show 735

Wednesday, September 13: Guests include Julianne Moore, Shawn Mendes and musical guest Maren Morris. Show 736

**Thursday, September 14: Guests include Jake Gyllenhaal, Dr. Jane Goodall and musical guest Yo Gotti featuring Nicki Minaj. Show 737

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: SEPTEMBER 6 – SEPTEMBER 13

Wednesday, September 6: Guests include Seth MacFarlane, Elisabeth Moss, Fallonventions and musical guest Thomas Rhett. Show 731

**Thursday, September 7: Guests include Reese Witherspoon, Bono and The Edge and musical guest U2. Show 732

Friday, September 8: Guests include James Franco, Kendall Jenner and musical guest Pete Townshend and Alfie Boe. Show 733.

Monday, September 11: Guests include Seth Meyers, Russell Westbrook and musical guest Prophets of Rage. Show 734

Tuesday, September 12: Guests include Jennifer Lawrence, Pedro Pascal and musical guest Patti Smith. Herb Alpert sits in with The Roots. Show 735

**Wednesday, September 13: Guests include Julianne Moore, Shawn Mendes and musical guest Maren Morris. Show 736

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: SEPTEMBER 5 – SEPTEMBER 12

Tuesday, September 5: Guests include Sarah Paulson, Tig Notaro and musical guest Luis Fonsi. Show 730

Wednesday, September 6: Guests include Seth MacFarlane, Elisabeth Moss, Fallonventions and musical guest Thomas Rhett. Show 731

**Thursday, September 7: Guests include Reese Witherspoon and musical guest U2. Show 732

Friday, September 8: Guests include James Franco, Kendall Jenner and musical guest Pete Townshend and Alfie Boe. Show 733.

**Monday, September 11: Guests include Seth Meyers, Russell Westbrook and musical guest Prophets of Rage. Show 734

**Tuesday, September 12: Guests include Jennifer Lawrence, Pedro Pascal and musical guest Patti Smith. Herb Alpert sits in with The Roots. Show 735

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: AUGUST 18 – SEPTEMBER 4

Monday, August 21: Guests include Alex Rodriguez, Nick Kroll and musical guest HAIM. OAD 6/29/17

Tuesday, August 22: Guests include Jessica Biel, Matt Bomer and musical guest Kelsea Ballerini. Keith Sweat sits in with The Roots. OAD 7/25/17

Wednesday, August 23: Guests include John Boyega, Rhett & Link and musical guest Kygo and Ellie Goulding. OAD 7/26/17

Thursday, August 24: Guests include Halle Berry, Michael Che and musical guest George Ezra. OAD 8/2/17

Friday, August 25: Guests include Kevin Bacon, Jenna Dewan Tatum and Nate Bargatze. OAD 7/21/17

**Monday, August 28: guests include Ashton Kutcher, Mario Batali and musical guest Liam Payne. OAD 6/21/17

**Tuesday, August 29: Guests include Steve Carell, Lily Collins and musical guest Sheryl Crow. OAD 6/27/17

**Wednesday, August 30: Guests include Harry Styles, Jenny Slate and musical guest The Who. OAD 7/19/17

**Thursday, August 31: Guests include Billy Crystal, Derek Hough & “World of Dance” Winners and musical guest Jessie Reyez. OAD 8/8/17

**Friday, September 1: Guests include David Spade, Desus & Mero and Penn & Teller. OAD 7/28/17

**Monday, September 4: Guests include Ray Romano, Ruth Negga and musical guest Camila Cabello. OAD 6/22/17

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' August 15 – August 18

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.15.17
Well, President Trump arrived in New York last night, and actually slept in Trump Tower. Yeah, when Trump asked for a wake-up call, they just showed him his poll numbers.
A lot of business owners have been speaking out against the president. The CEO of Target wrote one too, and people thought it was just a LITTLE bit classier.
But here’s some good news. Kim Jong Un says he's decided not to fire missiles at Guam. Then Trump said, (TRUMP) “You mean I learned where Guam was for nothing??”
I saw that there’s some nasty weather moving up the East Coast right now known as Tropical Storm Gert. When they heard, people named Gert were like, “Oh come on, my life’s bad enough as it is!”
Oh, this isn’t good. Cotsco has to pay Tiffany’s 19 million dollars for selling 2,500 fake Tiffany rings. Husbands don’t know what’s worse, having to tell their wife her ring ISN’T from Tiffany, or that it IS from Costco. “I’ve got bad news and worse news...”
But this is sweet. I read about a 98-year-old woman and a 94-year-old man here in New York who just got married. And if you want to get them a gift…hurry!
And finally, this is pretty weird. A man in the UK saved his pet tortoise by giving it mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. At least that’s what he told his wife when she walked in on them.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.16.17
Yesterday, President Trump gave a big press conference on the subject of infrastructure. And all he had to do was stop right there. Just. Stop. Talking! For five minutes, just stop talking!
And mind you -- this is him on vacation! He can't even get VACATION right. Imagine coming back to the office - "Hey, how was your two-week break?" "It was good - I defended Nazis. What'd you do?" What? I think Grandpa's getting loopy.
I guess this morning, Trump went to the Trump Tower “Lost & Found” looking for his mind. (TRUMP) “I lost it yesterday afternoon.”
I mean, it’s crazy! I’m starting to miss the old days when we were on the verge of nuclear war with North Korea.
And as you’d expect, many Trump supporters are very upset about his remarks yesterday. One guy even said, (PUTIN) “I have made terrible mistake.”
Let’s get to some GOOD news here, you guys. I read that New York City could host the World Cup in 2026. That’s right, thousands of people trying not to use their hands - or as that's called in New York, "riding the subway."
Guys, listen to this. The Connecticut lottery's mobile app malfunctioned this weekend and told some lottery winners they had lost. When instead, they should have been told, “You have a lottery app on your phone – get help.”
And finally, this is kind of interesting. Animal experts say dogs know when they're being laughed at. While cats actually keep a journal to document it.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.17.17
I saw that a life-sized statue of President Trump was just installed on a park bench here in New York. Even pigeons were like, “I’m gonna take my business elsewhere.”
Speaking of statues, did you see this today? The president tweeted that removing Confederate statues takes beauty out of our parks that can never be replaced. Then he said, "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go cut down a bunch of trees to build a hotel and golf course.”
But listen to this. The dating site OkCupid is banning white supremacists. So, white supremacists will have to look for love where they usually do – family reunions.
Hey, this is pretty cool. 20-year-old Nobel Peace Prize winner Malala Yousafzai has been accepted to Oxford University. When she puts her Nobel Prize on the shelf, her roommate will quietly put away all her youth soccer trophies.
This made me laugh. You know the band Belle and Sebastian? Well, they accidentally left its drummer behind at a Walmart in his pajamas, with no phone or wallet. So they called Walmart to see if there was a guy wandering around in his PJs with no phone or wallet, and they said, "You gotta be WAY more specific."

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.18.17
Some big news out of Washington, you guys. It came out that President Trump has decided to fire his Chief Strategist Steve Bannon. At this point the White House is like a "Final Destination” movie. You know everybody's a goner - you're just watching to see when and how.
Yeah, Trump’s top adviser Steve Bannon is officially out. He said now, he'll spend more time giving horrible advice to his family.
I thought this was a little weird though. Instead of getting a box for his office supplies, he said, (GRUFF) "I'll just use the one I sleep in."
In the meantime, President Trump went to Camp David today for a meeting with his advisers. I guess they sent Trump deep into the woods for a game of hide-and-seek and then quickly ran back to their cars.
Trump also met with his security team. It was a very short meeting though, cuz when he asked about threats to the country, they said, “Still just you, sir.”
Guys, Monday is the big Solar Eclipse! But experts have actually issued some warnings. They say you should prepare yourself ahead of time, don’t look directly at it, and try not to watch for too long. Wait I’m sorry – they’re talking about Trump’s press conferences.
Check this out, you guys. In an effort to rebrand, Chuck E Cheese is getting rid of the animatronic animals that play music while you eat. Though if they really wanted to change their image, they'd stop selling pizza at a rat-themed restaurant.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: AUGUST 18 – AUGUST 25

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: AUGUST 18 – AUGUST 25

Friday, August 18: Guests include Jon Hamm, Kate Upton and Life Hacks Expert Grant Thompson. Show 729

Monday, August 21: Guests include Alex Rodriguez, Nick Kroll and musical guest HAIM. OAD 6/29/17

Tuesday, August 22: Guests include Jessica Biel, Matt Bomer and musical guest Kelsea Ballerini. Keith Sweat sits in with The Roots. OAD 7/25/17

Wednesday, August 23: Guests include John Boyega, Rhett & Link and musical guest Kygo featuring Ellie Goulding. OAD 7/26/17

Thursday, August 24: Guests include Halle Berry, Michael Che and musical guest George Ezra. OAD 8/2/17

**Friday, August 25: Guests include Kevin Bacon, Jenna Dewan Tatum and Nate Bargatze. OAD 7/21/17

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: AUGUST 17 – AUGUST 24

Thursday, August 17: Guests include Rami Malek, Kathryn Hahn and musical guest Meek Mill ft. The-Dream. Show 728

**Friday, August 18: Guests include Jon Hamm, Kate Upton and Life Hacks Expert Grant Thompson. Show 729

Monday, August 21: Guests include Alex Rodriguez, Nick Kroll and musical guest HAIM. OAD 6/29/17

Tuesday, August 22: Guests include Jessica Biel, Matt Bomer and musical guest Kelsea Ballerini. Keith Sweat sits in with The Roots. OAD 7/25/17

Wednesday, August 23: Guests include John Boyega, Rhett & Link and musical guest Kygo featuring Ellie Goulding. OAD 7/26/17

**Thursday, August 24: Guests include Halle Berry, Michael Che and musical guest George Ezra. OAD 8/2/17

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: AUGUST 16 – AUGUST 23
Wednesday, August 16: Guests include Katie Holmes, Marc Maron and musical guest Shania Twain. Common sits-in with The Roots. Show 727

Thursday, August 17: Guests include Rami Malek, Kathryn Hahn and musical guest Meek Mill ft. The-Dream. Show 728

Friday, August 18: Guests include Jon Hamm, Kate Upton and a Life Hacks Expert. Show 729

Monday, August 21: Guests include Alex Rodriguez, Nick Kroll and musical guest HAIM. OAD 6/29/17

**Tuesday, August 22: Guests include Jessica Biel, Matt Bomer and musical guest Kelsea Ballerini. Keith Sweat sits in with The Roots. OAD 7/25/17

**Wednesday, August 23: Guests include John Boyega, Rhett & Link and musical guest Kygo featuring Ellie Goulding. OAD 7/26/17

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: AUGUST 14 – AUGUST 21

Monday, August 14: Guests include Susan Sarandon, Riz Ahmed and musical guest Chord Overstreet. Show 725

Tuesday, August 15: Guests include Keegan-Michael Key, Leslie Jones and musical guest A$AP Mob. Show 726

**Wednesday, August 16: Guests include Katie Holmes, Marc Maron and musical guest Shania Twain. Common sits-in with The Roots. Show 727

Thursday, August 17: Guests include Rami Malek, Kathryn Hahn and musical guest Meek Mill ft. The-Dream. Show 728

Friday, August 18: Guests include Jon Hamm, Kate Upton and a Life Hacks Expert. Show 729

** Monday, August 21: Guests include Alex Rodriguez, Nick Kroll and musical guest HAIM. OAD 6/29/17

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' August 7 – August 11

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.7.17
President Trump is in the middle of his 17-day trip to his New Jersey golf course, but he says it isn’t a vacation. Then the staff at the White House said, "For US it is!” (Never been happier!)
And get this. Mike Pence is denying speculation that he wants to be elected president in 2020. Pence was like, “I think you mean RE-elected President in 2020.”
And listen to this – former Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci wants to turn his time in the White House into a sitcom. Networks say it’s impossible cuz sitcoms have to last at least 30 minutes.
Speaking of TV, I saw that Game of Thrones uses Ikea rugs as capes for the Night’s Watch. You know that your character's not gonna be around for long, when they spend 36 bucks on your costume.
And tonight was the finale of “The Bachelorette.” Millions of people tuned into the finale to see who Rachel would spend the rest of her summer with.
Here’s a local story. I read that Mayor Bill de Blasio wants to tax the wealthiest one percent of New Yorkers to pay for subway repairs. In response, wealthy New Yorkers said, "What is the subway?"
And finally, the FDA just recalled a brand of instant coffee because it contains the same ingredients as Viagra and Cialis. On the bright side, it definitely helps you get up in the morning.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.8.17
Back in Washington, the West Wing is currently undergoing 3.4 million dollars in renovations. It sounds like a lot, but you’ve gotta remember, they’re childproofing the WHOLE house.
Right now Trump is on vacation at his New Jersey golf club, and I read that he actually gets a “farmland tax break” there because it has a herd of goats on the property. The goats will eat anything - grass, plants, tax returns…they're very helpful.
Did you see this? Today, a Wall Street Journal reporter compared President Trump to a goldfish, because he forgets what happened ten seconds ago. Trump was pretty mad, but only for nine seconds.
Former Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci went to an Italian restaurant in Long Island this weekend, and diners cheered when he walked in. Then Scaramucci took out his pad and said, (WAITER) "What can I get for you folks?" (Start with appetizers?)
You guys, did you see the season finale of “The Bachelorette” last night? Rachel wound up choosing Bryan over Peter. Rachel said the toughest part of her decision was remembering which one was Bryan and which one was Peter.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.9.17
Of course, everyone’s still talking about this North Korea situation. Last night, Kim Jong Un actually threatened the U.S. territory of Guam. When he heard, Trump said, (TRUMP) "Oh my God -- do I have any golf courses there?!"
Actually, Trump responded by saying that if North Korea threatens the U.S., it would be met with “fire and fury.” I guess he said it while he was watching a commercial for Taco Bell's new "Fire and Fury" chalupa.
Listen to this. I read that Trump actually gets a special folder with positive news about himself twice every day. He likes to get one when he starts working at 9am, and another when he stops working at 9:15am.
Did you guys hear about this? It came out that JetBlue may soon be able to track customer emails, phone messages, tweets and Facebook posts. While United will break into your bedroom and read your diary. “You have a crush on Chad, huh?!”
I saw that the 2018 Winter Olympics in South Korea are now just six months away! Hopefully...
Some tech news. I heard that the upcoming iPhone 8 will come in metallic gold. Apple fans will wait for hours to get a gold iPhone, then immediately cover it up with a giant rubber case. (Can’t get any scratches on my phone! It’s a gold one, trust me!)
And finally, this is pretty cool. I saw that 24 New York City restaurants just made the list of the best restaurants in America. Not to be outdone, the 24 WORST restaurants in America are all inside LaGuardia Airport.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.10.17
Show of hands – how many of you are visiting New York City just to get further away from North Korea?
Yeah, tensions with North Korea continue to rise. And you can tell Trump’s nervous because he’s been wearing a “Make America Great Again” helmet.
Actually, I read that the U.S. has a plan to launch a cyber-attack on North Korea. It’s pretty serious – they say it could affect both of North Korea’s computers. “All two of them??”
But it’s pretty scary. News organizations are actually telling people what to do in case of a nuclear attack. Yeah, they say people should immediately...stay inside and keep watching Netflix. (Don’t change anything.)
Today, Trump said that if North Korea doesn’t get its act together, they’re going to be in “big trouble.” It got worse when he said, “Now look I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed.”
A spokesman for North Korea called Trump a "senile man who can't think rationally." But it turns out, they just stole that from Trump’s Twitter bio.
Oh, listen to this. I read that you can now go on Airbnb and rent Trump's childhood home, where he lived until he was four. So, at least there’s ONE house where he lasted four years.
I saw that the new head of the TSA was sworn in at 10:30am today. Well, he got in line at 8, but didn't get to the podium until then. (TSA GUY) "BELTS COME OFF! SHOES STAY ON! LAPTOPS IN A CONTAINER!"

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.11.17
This weekend, President Trump is going to spend the night at Trump Tower for the first time since he took office. He’s gonna be surprised when he walks in and finds out that Melania turned his room into a home gym.
Yep, Trump will sleep in his own bed for the first time since he was elected. Then he'll wake up and be like, (TRUMP) "I just had the craziest dream! People were calling me president and asking me about North Korea - it was a complete nightmare!”
And back in Washington, Mitch McConnell says Congress is underperforming because Trump set too many fake deadlines. Trump said that’s not true, and demanded McConnell apologize by August 43rd. (October eleventeenth, at the latest!)
Yesterday, Trump was asked about his relationship with Attorney General Jeff Sessions and said quote, "It is what it is. It's fine." Then he got emotional, cuz those were also his wedding vows.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: AUGUST 11 – AUGUST 18
Friday, August 11: Guests include Naomi Watts, Andy Cohen and Jo Koy. Show 724

Monday, August 14: Guests include Susan Sarandon, Riz Ahmed and musical guest Chord Overstreet. Show 725

Tuesday, August 15: Guests include Keegan-Michael Key, Leslie Jones and musical guest A$AP Mob. Show 726

Wednesday, August 16: Guests include Katie Holmes, Marc Maron and musical guest Shania Twain. Show 727

**Thursday, August 17: Guests include Rami Malek, Kathryn Hahn and musical guest Meek Mill ft. The-Dream. Show 728

**Friday, August 18: Guests include Jon Hamm, Kate Upton and a Life Hacks Expert. Show 729

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: AUGUST 9 – AUGUST 16


Wednesday, August 9: Guests include Brie Larson, Marlon Wayans and musical guest Brett Eldredge. Show 722

Thursday, August 10: Guests include Anthony Anderson, Terry Gross and musical guest Kesha. Show 723

Friday, August 11: Guests include Naomi Watts, Andy Cohen and Jo Koy. Show 724

Monday, August 14: Guests include Susan Sarandon, Riz Ahmed and musical guest Chord Overstreet. Show 725

Tuesday, August 15: Guests include Keegan-Michael Key, Leslie Jones and musical guest A$AP Mob. Show 726

**Wednesday, August 16: Guests include Katie Holmes, Marc Maron and musical guest Shania Twain. Show 727

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: AUGUST 8 – AUGUST 15
Tuesday, August 8: Guests include Billy Crystal, Derek Hough and the “World of Dance” Winner and musical guest Jessie Reyez. Show 721

Wednesday, August 9: Guests include Brie Larson, Marlon Wayans and musical guest Brett Eldredge. Show 722

Thursday, August 10: Guests include Anthony Anderson, Terry Gross and musical guest Kesha. Show 723

Friday, August 11: Guests include Naomi Watts, Andy Cohen and Jo Koy. Show 724

Monday, August 14: Guests include Susan Sarandon, Riz Ahmed and musical guest Chord Overstreet. Show 725

**Tuesday, August 15: Guests include Keegan-Michael Key, Leslie Jones and musical guest A$AP Mob. Show 726

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: AUGUST 7 – AUGUST 14

Monday, August 7: Guests include Jeff Bridges, Aubrey Plaza and musical guest The Roots and Bilal. Show 720

Tuesday, August 8: Guests include Billy Crystal, Derek Hough and the “World of Dance” Winner and musical guest Jessie Reyez. Show 721

Wednesday, August 9: Guests include Brie Larson, Marlon Wayans and musical guest Brett Eldredge. Show 722

Thursday, August 10: Guests include Anthony Anderson, Terry Gross and musical guest Kesha. Show 723

Friday, August 11: Guests include Naomi Watts, Andy Cohen and Jo Koy. Show 724

**Monday, August 14: Guests include Susan Sarandon, Riz Ahmed and musical guest Chord Overstreet. Show 725

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' July 31 – August 4
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 7.31.17
Some big news out of Washington. Today, President Trump officially removed Anthony Scaramucci as his Communications Director. And this was a little awkward - when Scaramucci called an Uber to pick him up at the White House, Sean Spicer was driving.
That’s right, Scaramucci lost his job after just ten days, following an obscene interview with the New Yorker. You know it's bad when you get fired after ten days and everyone's still like, "What took so long?"

He’s out after 10 days. So Scaramucci is gone, but his cologne will linger forever.
And get this - Scaramucci’s official start date was supposed to be August 15. Or as Trump put it, (TRUMP) "See? We're setting so many records. He's the first person to ever get fired BEFORE they even start working."

And it came out that Scaramucci actually missed the birth of his son last week because he was with Trump, so he texted his wife “Congratulations.” Trump was like, (TRUMP) “You don’t text your wife after she has your baby – you tweet her!”

And finally, I read that five baby flamingos were just born at the Sacramento Zoo. And this is nice: the mother even got a text from Anthony Scaramucci saying "Congratulations."

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.1.17
Thank you for that wonderful welcome! That applause actually lasted longer than Anthony Scaramucci.

Well, people are still talking about Anthony Scaramucci - he lasted just six days, making him the shortest-serving White House communications director ever. But don't feel bad - publishers have offered him a lot of money to write a tell-all pamphlet about the experience. (Three pages, double-spaced.)

He only lasted six days! I mean, there were White House fence-jumpers who lasted longer than that!

But get this. Trump is apparently looking for a less prominent position for Scaramucci that wouldn’t require him to be seen very often. Then Scaramucci said, “You want me to be First Lady?”

It’s been a rough week for Scaramucci. In fact, I saw that in the latest alumni directory for Harvard Law School, he was mistakenly listed as dead. It’s nothing personal, that’s just what happens at Harvard if you don’t donate any money.

Well, yesterday was White House Chief of Staff John Kelly's first day on the job. But it got awkward when he showed up and said, "Why are you writing my name on the door in dry erase marker?” (That’s not a good sign.)

But it’s crazy. As of today, 12 top government or White House officials have been fired or resigned since Trump took office. Then Trump was like, (TRUMP) "Just five more eliminations until I announce the winner!"

The other big story that people are talking about is that Trump dictated Don Jr.'s misleading statement about meeting with a Russian lawyer last year, which puts the president in legal jeopardy. And when Trump heard he was in jeopardy he said, (TRUMP) “I’d rather play ‘Family Feud.” (“Show me collusion!”)

Here’s a local story. Utility workers here in New York City retrieved a woman's wedding ring that she dropped down a sewer. While the rat handing it back was like, “Always a bridesmaid!...”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.2.17
Some news out of Washington. This morning, President Trump announced a new immigration plan that will favor people who speak English. Which is why tonight, he had to deport himself. (TRUMP) “I am BIGLY, BIGLY sad!”

It was a busy day for Trump. He also signed off on new sanctions against Russia for interfering with our election, and a source says that he talked to Vladimir Putin on the phone right before. When people said that was inappropriate, Trump said, (TRUMP) "I agree - I wanted to FaceTime!"

Did you guys see this? It came out that Trump recently said that the White House is quote "a real dump.” Then people staying at Trump Hotels were like, "Wanna trade?"
Guys, listen to this. I saw that an OJ Simpson Museum is opening in LA. That’s right, a museum filled with his memorabilia - or as OJ put it, "This feels like a trap..."

A new study finds that George Clooney has the most handsome face because of his eyes, nose, chin and mouth. In other words, he has the most handsome face because of his face.
Actually, the Today Show just featured a group of moms in California who said that smoking weed makes them better parents. When asked if their kids agree, the moms were like, “Oh crap, the kids!” (Alright, I’m gonna be right back!)

This is interesting. Scientists just discovered that millions of years ago, flowers had both male and female parts. As a result, President Trump has banned those flowers from serving in the military.

And finally, I heard that Krispy Kreme is coming out with a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup donut. So if you're someone who wants to eat a donut and a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup at the same time, something tells me you already have.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.3.17
Did you see this? A transcript from President Trump’s phone call with the Australian Prime Minister was just leaked, and at one point, Trump referred to U.S. dairy farmers as “local milk people.” Even worse - he referred to cows as, “Spotted Milk Horsies.”

Trump is also being criticized for his conversation with the president of Mexico, where he called New Hampshire "a drug-infested den." New Hampshire says it’s furious - while Colorado said it has to find a new nickname. (STONER) “How about ‘Colorado’? Oh, wait...”
But Trump was actually busted for saying that a bunch of people called to compliment him this week when they hadn’t. When asked about it today, Trump said, (TRUMP) "I can't talk now, I'm on the phone with the Governor of Narnia."

And I read that Trump is trying to impress his new Chief of Staff John Kelly by listing a lot of facts during meetings. They’re all Snapple facts, but still. “Cats have over 100 vocal cords.” (Made from the best stuff on earth.)

In the meantime, I saw that the president is about to go off on a 17-day vacation. Trump said he could use a little “R&R” – you know, ranting and retweeting.

But before that, Trump said that he'd make a "very big announcement" at his rally tonight in West Virginia. People were like, “Is it that you beat Hillary Clinton?” And Trump was like, (TRUMP) “Crap - who leaked it?”

Actually, this is pretty big. People are speculating that Mark Zuckerberg could run for president in 2020, because he just hired Hillary Clinton's chief campaign strategist. He came highly recommended by everyone - except Hillary Clinton.

Check this out, you guys. Samsung is selling a giant, 88-inch TV for 20,000 dollars. It’s so big, FedEx needs TWO guys to toss it over your fence.

And Starbucks just introduced a new coffee drink that comes with a piece of beef jerky. And it also comes with the key to the bathroom.

But this is kinda nice. A Domino's delivery guy is being praised after his car broke down, and he walked nearly a mile to deliver a pizza. The customer was like, "Thank you so much! (LOOKING IN BOX) Where are my Cinnastix?"

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.4.17
Well, President Trump started his big vacation today. But before he left, he visited FEMA’s headquarters. FEMA said it was a nice change of pace to have a disaster come to THEM.
But the big story is that special counsel Robert Mueller is bringing evidence before a grand jury for the Russia investigation. And Trump was confused, cuz he thought a “grand jury” was something you ordered at Denny’s. (TRUMP) “I’ll have a Grand Jury, with a side of bacon.”

Some TV news. ABC is dropping plans for a live musical of "The Little Mermaid" because of budget issues. Also, because nobody can hold their breath underwater for two hours.
And I saw that Sunday's episode of "Game of Thrones" will be the show's shortest episode ever, at just 50 minutes. So after the opening credits, that's only 2 minutes of actual show.
Here’s a local story. I saw that New York City is getting its first dog café, which will offer treats for people and their pets. When the dogs get their drinks, they’ll be like, “Ugh, they NEVER spell Rover right.”

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: AUGUST 4 – AUGUST 11

Friday, August 4: Guests include Jessica Alba, Tim Gunn, Andy Puddicombe and musical guest Louis Tomlinson featuring Bebe Rexha and Digital Farm Animals. Show 719

Monday, August 7: Guests include Jeff Bridges, Aubrey Plaza and musical guest The Roots and Bilal. Show 720

Tuesday, August 8: Guests include Billy Crystal, Derek Hough and the “World of Dance” Winner and musical guest Jessie Reyez. Show 721

Wednesday, August 9: Guests include Brie Larson, Marlon Wayans and musical guest Brett Eldredge. Show 722

Thursday, August 10: Guests include Anthony Anderson, Terry Gross and musical guest Kesha. Show 723

**Friday, August 11: Guests include Naomi Watts, Andy Cohen and Jo Koy. Show 724
These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: AUGUST 3 – AUGUST 10
Thursday, August 3: Guests include Ice Cube, Ryan Seacrest and musical guest Action Bronson. Show 718

Friday, August 4: Guests include Jessica Alba, Tim Gunn, Andy Puddicombe and musical guest Louis Tomlinson featuring Bebe Rexha and Digital Farm Animals. Show 719

Monday, August 7: Guests include Jeff Bridges, Aubrey Plaza and musical guest The Roots and Bilal. Show 720

Tuesday, August 8: Guests include Billy Crystal, Derek Hough and the “World of Dance” Winner and musical guest Jessie Reyez. Show 721

Wednesday, August 9: Guests include Brie Larson, Marlon Wayans and musical guest Brett Eldredge. Show 722

**Thursday, August 10: Guests include Anthony Anderson, Terry Gross and musical guest Kesha. Show 723

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: AUGUST 2 – AUGUST 9

Wednesday, August 2: Guests include Halle Berry, Michael Che and musical guest George Ezra. Show 717

Thursday, August 3: Guests include Ice Cube, Ryan Seacrest and musical guest Action Bronson. Show 718

Friday, August 4: Guests include Jessica Alba, Tim Gunn, Andy Puddicombe and musical guest Louis Tomlinson featuring Bebe Rexha and Digital Farm Animals. Show 719

Monday, August 7: Guests include Jeff Bridges, Aubrey Plaza and musical guest The Roots and Bilal. Show 720

Tuesday, August 8: Guests include Billy Crystal, Derek Hough and the “World of Dance” Winner and musical guest Jessie Reyez. Show 721

**Wednesday, August 9: Guests include Brie Larson, Marlon Wayans and musical guest Brett Eldredge. Show 722

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: AUGUST 1 – AUGUST 8
Tuesday, August 1: Guests include Jeremy Renner, Bridget Everett and musical guest French Montana featuring Swae Lee. Show 716

Wednesday, August 2: Guests include Halle Berry, Michael Che and musical guest George Ezra. Show 717

Thursday, August 3: Guests include Ice Cube, Ryan Seacrest and musical guest Action Bronson. Show 718

**Friday, August 4: Guests include Jessica Alba, Tim Gunn, Andy Puddicombe and musical guest Louis Tomlinson featuring Bebe Rexha and Digital Farm Animals. Show 719

Monday, August 7: Guests include Jeff Bridges, Aubrey Plaza and musical guest The Roots and Bilal. Show 720

**Tuesday, August 8: Guests include Billy Crystal, Derek Hough and "World of Dance” Winner and musical guest Jessie Reyez. Show 721

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' July 24 – July 28

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 7.24.17
Big news out of Washington on Friday – White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer officially resigned. That’s right, Spicer said that all the greats always know when to leave on top.
That’s right, Spicer stepped down - which means now he has to pretend like he hasn’t had his resume ready for five months.

And did you guys see this? Over the weekend, new White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci deleted a bunch of old tweets that were critical of Trump’s platform. Trump was shocked – he said, (TRUMP) “You can delete tweets??”

Some business news here. I saw that WebMD is being sold for 2.8 billion dollars. The owner said he was just getting tired – but WebMD says it could either be gout, polio or scurvy.
That’s right, WebMD is being sold. No word on who bought it, but let’s just say the Republicans finally found a replacement for Obamacare.

Guys, get this. I read that you can now buy a new, wine-flavored jelly. Which is a great idea until your kid’s teacher calls and says, “I dunno what happened to Billy. He ate a PB&J and keeps singing ‘Don’t Stop Believing.’” (And now he’s hugging everybody. He says he only smokes after he eats PB&J — he’s not a normal smoker.)

Guys, I saw that today is National Cousins Day. And if you’re from West Virginia, happy anniversary!

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 7.25.17
Today, Senate Republicans voted to move forward in the process to repeal and replace Obamacare, even though they don't know what they're going to be voting on. That’s like going into a hospital and telling the surgeon, "Surprise me! Just go for it!”

That’s right, ahead of the health care vote, Senators were saying they had no clue what they’d be voting on. Then Americans said, "Hey - just like us during the election!"
And I guess this morning, two Senators were caught on a hot mic calling President Trump "crazy." Yeah, and when the news came out, literally every member of the Senate was like (NERVOUS) "Wait, was it me?"

But people are still talking about this. Last night, President Trump gave a big speech at the Boy Scouts of America National Scout Jamboree. And this is cool – his healthcare bill won the award for “Scariest Campfire Story.”

Actually, I think Trump would probably make a great boy scout because they have to know how to tie knots, and Trump's already tied the knot three times!

During his speech, Trump urged the boy scouts to be loyal. Then Michael Flynn, Paul Manafort, Sean Spicer and Jeff Sessions were like, “Come again??”

And we’re still getting to know Trump’s new communications director, Anthony Scaramucci. I saw that his friends like to call him “the Mooch.” When Trump heard, he was like, (TRUMP) “Great, now what am I gonna call Don Jr. and Eric?”

This is kind of interesting. A new study found that procrastination might be genetic. I asked my mom if that was true, and she was like, “Yeah, I meant to tell you that 20 years ago.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 7.26.17
Some big political news today – President Trump went on Twitter and announced that he’s banning transgender people from serving in the military. Trump said he understands this is very a sensitive issue, so he made sure to choose his emojis VERY carefully.

Actually, Trump says that he’s banning transgender people from serving because of high medical costs. But if he cared about high medical costs, maybe should have passed a health care bill.

Trump was talking to reporters yesterday after the big healthcare vote, and people noticed that he didn't seem to know how many Senators there are. When told it's two for each state, Trump said, (TRUMP) "I'm gonna need another clue."

Of course, another big story is Trump’s feud with Attorney General Jeff Sessions - and when he was asked what will happen to Sessions, Trump said, “Time will tell.” When asked if he was just stealing lines from his Magic 8 Ball, Trump said, (TRUMP) “Ask again later.”
Meanwhile, the State Department says Secretary of State Rex Tillerson is quote "taking a little time off." Wow, Tillerson, Spicer, maybe Sessions - you know things are bad when the White House is losing more characters than “Game of Thrones.”

And Trump held a big rally in Ohio last night, and I saw that he rubbed Melania's back while she was introducing him. It was the first time someone has ever shivered in 80-degree weather.

Trump’s new Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci addressed all the leaks that have been coming out, and asked staffers, "you wanna sell postcards to the tourists or you wanna work in the West Wing?" Then the staffers said, "Wait - is that postcard thing a real option?" (I love postcards!)

As I mentioned earlier, Trump has decided to ban transgender people from serving in the military, and it’s very controversial - so here to address this issue is Tonight Show Correspondent Patti Harrison. Patti, thank you for joining us.

PATTI
Thanks for having me. Now Jimmy, I’m a transgender woman, and as a transperson, it’s hard to articulate exactly how I feel. But I guess if I had to describe it, I’d say... Donald, you’re so stupid. You are so stupid. You’re lucky you’re so hot.

JIMMY
Patti, when did you first hear about Trump’s decision?

PATTI
Well, when I saw the headline this morning, at first I just read “Donald Trump bans transgender people,” and I was like, “yeah, that sounds like him.” But then I realized it was just in the military, and I was SHOCKED... because I assumed he already did that.
Now, I don’t necessarily want to serve in the military, but I want the right to serve. You know? It’s like, I don’t want to go to your baby shower, but I want the invite.
But you know, I don’t even think Trump knows what “transgender” means. He probably thinks transgender people are those cars that turn into robots.

JIMMY
It might be so. Patti, before you go, do you have any final thought about all this?

PATTI
Well first I want to say that there are amazingly brave trans people who should be allowed to serve. Like Kristin Beck, a retired Navy Seal with a purple heart, bronze star and countless service medals.

And yet, Trump says transgender people in the military would be a “tremendous disruption.” And I get it. If you constantly draw attention to yourself, spend all day distracting everyone, and cost taxpayers millions of dollars, the perfect job for you isn’t the military - it’s President of the United States.

JIMMY
Thank you. Patti Harrison, everybody.
Here’s a local story. The MTA wants to improve the subway here in New York by removing seats from trains to fit more people. And after that, they’re gonna ask riders to lie down and spoon each other so they can pack even more inside.

That’s right, the MTA wants to remove seats from trains to fit more people. Even worse, Southwest Airlines heard that and said, “That’s a great idea! Can we do that?”
And finally, I saw that a woman in Texas bought a 300 dollar vacuum from Target, but got home and realized the box contained dirty towels, rocks, and a can of chili. Or as that's known over at Walmart, "A gift basket."

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 7.27.17
I heard that "Dancing with the Stars" is reportedly trying to get former White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer to be a contestant. Marking the first “Dancing with the Stars” contestant who’s hit rock bottom BEFORE he went on the show.

But Spicer’s not the only one doing a reality show – on the next episode of “Undercover Boss,” Vladimir Putin is gonna go work at the White House. (PUTIN) “I’m a tour guide here. How are things at home?”

And did you see this? Trump’s new Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci made news for comparing Trump's attempt to repeal Obamacare to Lincoln abolishing slavery. In a related story, Anthony Scaramucci is now expected to take Sean Spicer’s spot on “Dancing with the Stars.”

Check this out. I read that the owner of a “Clown Motel” in Nevada is looking to sell it. The clown motel’s like any other motel – except it only has one parking spot.

And finally, I saw that Anne Hathaway is in talks to star in the upcoming “Barbie” movie. She’ll have to say goodbye to her brown hair for the role, while the actor playing Ken will have to say goodbye to something else.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 7.28.17
Here’s what everyone is talking about. It's this crazy interview that Trump's Communications Director Anthony Scarmucci gave to the New Yorker. I guess he called a reporter to lash out. (That’s what you do when you feel like lashing out…you call a reporter) He wanted to talk about Reince Priebus and Steve Bannon, and he forgot to ask that the conversation be off the record. But on the bright side – looks like he just found his first White House leaker!
Get this - it's reported that in private, Anthony Scaramucci has called Reince Priebus "Reince Penis." Which still somehow sounds less dirty than “Reince Priebus.”
Listen to this, guys. I read that Trump’s administration is going to start cracking down on marijuana users, and will be linking weed to violent crime. Trump isn’t messing around. Today he announced plans to build a wall around Colorado.

Here’s some good news. I read that Walmart just announced a plan to create 1.5 million new jobs in the U.S. The jobs will be to steal people’s Amazon packages off their front steps so they start shopping at Walmart again.

Listen to this. I read about a wildlife center in Oregon that will let you have a sleepover with some sloths for a thousand dollars. It gets awkward though in the morning when the sloth goes, (SMOKER) “Just leave the money on the dresser.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JULY 31 – AUGUST 7

Monday, July 31: Guests include Idris Elba, Ali Wentworth and musical guest Tame Impala. Show 715

Tuesday, August 1: Guests include Jeremy Renner, Bridget Everett and musical guest French Montana featuring Swae Lee. Show 716

Wednesday, August 2: Guests include Halle Berry, Michael Che and musical guest George Ezra. Show 717

**Thursday, August 3: Guests include Ice Cube, Ryan Seacrest and musical guest Action Bronson. Show 718

Friday, August 4: Guests include Jessica Alba, Tim Gunn, Andy Puddicombe and musical guest Louis Tomlinson featuring Bebe Rexha. Show 719

**Monday, August 7: Guests include Jeff Bridges, Aubrey Plaza and musical guest The Roots and Bilal. Show 720

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JULY 28 – AUGUST 4
Friday, July 28: Guests include David Spade, Desus & Mero, and Penn & Teller. Show 714

Monday, July 31: Guests include Idris Elba, Ali Wentworth and musical guest Tame Impala. Show 715

Tuesday, August 1: Guests include Jeremy Renner, Bridget Everett and musical guest French Montana featuring Swae Lee. Show 716

Wednesday, August 2: Guests include Halle Berry, Michael Che and musical guest George Ezra. Show 717

Thursday, August 3: Guests include Ice Cube, Ryan Seacrest and musical guest Lil Yachty. Show 718

**Friday, August 4: Guests include Jessica Alba, Tim Gunn, Andy Puddicombe and musical guest Louis Tomlinson featuring Bebe Rexha. Show 719

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JULY 27 – AUGUST 3

Thursday, July 27: Guests include Michael Strahan, Jill Kargman and musical guest Slayer. Show 713

Friday, July 28: Guests include David Spade, Desus & Mero, and Penn & Teller. Show 714

Monday, July 31: Guests include Idris Elba, Ali Wentworth and musical guest Tame Impala. Show 715

Tuesday, August 1: Guests include Jeremy Renner, Bridget Everett and musical guest French Montana featuring Swae Lee. Show 716

Wednesday, August 2: Guests include Halle Berry, Michael Che and musical guest George Ezra. Show 717

**Thursday, August 3: Guests include Ice Cube, Ryan Seacrest and musical guest Lil Yachty. Show 718

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JULY 26 – AUGUST 2
Wednesday, July 26: Guests include John Boyega, Rhett & Link and musical guest Kygo and Ellie Goulding. Show 712

Thursday, July 27: Guests include Michael Strahan, Jill Kargman and musical guest Slayer. Show 713

Friday, July 28: Guests include David Spade, Desus & Mero, and Penn & Teller. Show 714
Monday, July 31: Guests include Idris Elba, Ali Wentworth and musical guest Tame Impala. Show 715

Tuesday, August 1: Guests include Jeremy Renner, Bridget Everett and musical guest French Montana featuring Swae Lee. Show 716

**Wednesday, August 2: Guests include Halle Berry, Michael Che and musical guest George Ezra. Show 717

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JULY 25 – AUGUST 1

Tuesday, July 25: Guests include Jessica Biel, Matt Bomer and musical guest Kelsea Ballerini. Keith Sweat sits in with The Roots. Show 711

Wednesday, July 26: Guests include John Boyega, Rhett & Link and musical guest Kygo and Ellie Goulding. Show 712

Thursday, July 27: Guests include Michael Strahan, Jill Kargman and musical guest Slayer. Show 713

Friday, July 28: Guests include David Spade, Desus & Mero, and Penn & Teller. Show 714

Monday, July 31: Guests include Idris Elba, Ali Wentworth and musical guest Tame Impala. Show 715

**Tuesday, August 1: Guests include Jeremy Renner, Bridget Everett and musical guest French Montana featuring Swae Lee. Show 716

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JULY 24 – JULY 31
Monday, July 24: Guests include Rob Lowe, Chrissy Metz and musical guest Fifth Harmony featuring Gucci Mane. Show 710

Tuesday, July 25: Guests include Jessica Biel, Matt Bomer and musical guest Kelsea Ballerini. Keith Sweat sits in with The Roots. Show 711

Wednesday, July 26: Guests include John Boyega, Rhett & Link and musical guest Kygo and Ellie Goulding. Show 712

Thursday, July 27: Guests include Michael Strahan, Jill Kargman and musical guest Slayer. Show 713

Friday, July 28: Guests include David Spade, Desus & Mero, and Penn & Teller. Show 714
**Monday, July 31: Guests include Idris Elba, Ali Wentworth and musical guest Tame Impala. Show 715

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' July 17 – July 21

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 7.17.17
Over the weekend, it came out that President Trump’s approval rating is at 36 percent, but Trump defended the number, saying it was “almost 40.” Then he said, (TRUMP) “And if you read 36 upside down, it looks like 93 – which is almost 100. So I’m doing amazing!”
Last week, Trump’s son Don Jr. tweeted screenshots of e-mails from the Russian lawyer who offered sensitive info to his dad’s campaign. When he heard that his son tweeted about an ongoing investigation, Trump was like, (TRUMP) “The student has become the master!”
You guys, last night was the season premiere of “Game of Thrones!” But I saw that HBO's streaming site crashed during the episode. That's how crazy this show has gotten — they're killing off websites now. (You don’t know who’s gonna survive!)
Well, more trouble for United Airlines. The rapper Schoolboy Q says that they actually flew his dog to the wrong city. Then I guess on the flight back, the dog had to fight over a seat with Ann Coulter.
And get this. On Friday, a group of 40 turtles caused delays on the runway at JFK airport. On the bright side, the turtles were moving so slow, they got hired to work at LaGuardia.
This isn’t good. Millions of Sabrett’s hot dogs that are sold here on the street in New York are being recalled because they contain small pieces of bone. While the foreman at the factory was like, “Hey, has anyone seen Jeff? Well, when you see him, tell him he’s fired!”
This made me laugh, guys. Last week, a man in Texas got himself trapped inside an ATM machine, and he was slipping people notes through the receipt slot that said, “Help!” People taking money out were like, “I knew my balance was low, but what do you mean help?!”
That’s right, the guy got stuck in an ATM. The man said he was excited to finally eat - then got himself trapped in a vending machine. (UP AGAINST GLASS) “Press B12!”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 7.18.17
At a dinner last night, President Trump told Republican senators that if they didn't vote for the health care bill, they'd look like "dopes." Then he combed his neck hair over the top of his head and walked away with his tie dragging on the floor.
That’s right, Trump had dinner with Republican senators at the White House, and they were served steak and lima beans. And Trump wasn’t allowed to leave the table until he finished ALL of his lima beans. “Mr. President, we can see you scraping them onto the floor.” (TRUMP) “Do we have a dog?”
But the big story is that the Republican bill to repeal and replace Obamacare has officially fallen apart. But Republicans said that they’re just going to let Obamacare fail, while they regroup and figure out a new plan. Then Democrats said, “Hey - that’s the same thing we’re doing with Trump!” (Just wait it out!)
And he’s still talking about the wall. He’s just adding new things about the wall. Now he says the wall – for safety reasons – has to be see-through. Which explains the LATEST group protesting Trump: birds.
Hey guys, listen to this. I read that O.J. Simpson almost lost his chance at a parole hearing for eating a stolen cookie. O.J. denied stealing the cookie, then he wrote a book about how he would have stolen it if he did. (It’s called “If I Ate It” – it’s available this fall.)
But this is pretty nice. I saw that Donnie Wahlberg went to Waffle House and left a 2,000-dollar tip on an 83-dollar check. People couldn’t believe it – they were like, “Who spends 83 dollars at Waffle House??” (You would have to order the menu twice!)

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 7.19.17
I saw that a magazine article just came out that says Donald Trump Jr. is miserable and wants his dad’s presidency to be over. Yeah, it was in the section: "Stars, They're Just Like Us."
People Magazine did a big feature on Don Jr., and it says he likes to spend his weekends at a rustic cabin in upstate New York. He said the only thing he doesn’t like about the cabin is when Hillary shows up in a hockey mask and chases him around the lake.
And it turns out that in college, Don Jr. would reportedly get into drunken fights where he’d say, "Do you have any idea who I am?" And then his father would say, (TRUMP, THINKING) “Eric?”
Meanwhile, a new book just came out claiming that last summer, President Trump yelled at former campaign manager Paul Manafort, and said "You treat me like a baby!" But Trump says it wasn’t a complaint – it was an order. (TRUMP) “You! Treat me like a baby!”
Meanwhile, I saw that tomorrow it’s supposed to feel like the mid-90s. You know, when everyone’s huddled around the TV, waiting for an O.J. verdict. (We’re doing this AGAIN??)
That’s right - tomorrow, O.J. Simpson will have his big parole hearing. And a former correctional officer at O.J.’s prison called it a “cruise ship with barbed wire.” When they heard that, Carnival was like, “Great, now we need a new slogan.”
And check this out. Crystal Pepsi is coming back to stores this August. That's right - we have an O.J. hearing AND Crystal Pepsi. At this point, I'm expecting to see a Furby doing the Macarena.
I saw that last night, Chris Christie caught a foul ball at the Mets game. I guess he did it by sitting all by himself in a section that he’d closed off to everyone but himself.
Get this, you guys. An 86-year-old woman was arrested this week for shoplifting at a Walmart while still wearing an ankle monitor from a prior arrest. Instead of taking her to jail, police crowned her Queen of Walmart.
When asked how she got in to begin with, the store said, “If we had to kick out every Walmart shopper with an ankle monitor, it’d never end!”
I saw that "Despacito" just set the record for the most streamed song ever. It also set the record for the most popular song that people sing one word to and mumble the rest.
And finally, I saw that two new “Harry Potter” books are coming out to mark the 20th anniversary of the first book. The new books are a two-part series called, “You’ll Buy Anything That Says Harry Potter.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 7.20.17
Hey, just a heads up before we start: if any of you call an Uber any time soon, you might want to make sure it’s not a White Ford Bronco.
That’s right - O.J. Simpson was officially granted parole today and could be out of jail by October. When asked what he plans to do first, he said “Well, catch up on all those shows about O.J.!” (I heard they’re great! Sarah Paulson’s fantastic! That’s what I hear!)
O.J. actually video conferenced into his parole hearing today cuz the board was 120 miles away from his prison. Yeah, not a good a sign when even the PAROLE BOARD is scared to be near him.
A lot of people didn’t know how to feel about the news. On one hand, O.J. is a convicted felon. But on the other hand, he managed to keep Trump off the TV for a whole afternoon. (So it’s kind of a community service.)
Of course, the other big story is this interview President Trump did with The New York Times - and the paper said that he made several false claims. Then Trump was like, (TRUMP) “But you chose to print them...so once again fake news!” (So that’s on you!)
In the interview, Trump warned special counsel Robert Mueller not to look into his family's finances. Then Mueller was like, "Well I wasn't GOING to, but now I DEFINITELY am!" (TRUMP) “And don’t look in the box! Never mind what’s in that box.” “Now I HAVE to look in the box...”
Trump also said that Washington D.C. should do a big parade down Pennsylvania Avenue, like the Bastille Day parade he went to in Paris. Trump said it should be just like his inauguration, but with people.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 7.21.17
It was announced that Donald Trump Jr. and Jared Kushner will testify next week about their secret meeting with the Russians. They only had one request: That the panel be the same people from O.J.’s parole board.
And after being granted parole yesterday, I saw that "The Juice is Loose" was trending on Twitter. When told he was trending on Twitter, O.J. said "I was what-ing on WHAT now?"
This is very interesting. A new poll finds that voters are split on whether they’d vote for Trump or Mark Zuckerberg in 2020. I guess they can't decide if they want a president who spends all his time on Facebook or Twitter.
I saw that USA Today just did a feature on what different presidents did for exercise. For instance, George W. Bush liked to go for a jog; Obama liked to play basketball with his friends; and Trump likes to go to yoga classes and watch.
This is nice. I read about a 91-year-old airline mechanic who still works on planes at JFK Airport. Passengers said it's a great story - as long as he didn't work on their plane.
Listen to this, you guys. I read that some battery-powered fidget spinners are exploding and catching fire. On the plus side, they definitely cut down on fidgeting.
And Mercedes just announced they're launching a luxury pickup truck. Mercedes says it will be the most rugged mid-life crisis car on the market.
And finally, this made me laugh. It just came out that the wife of the Japanese Prime Minister may have pretended not to speak English to avoid talking to Trump at the G20 Summit. When asked where she learned that trick, she said, "Melania."

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JULY 21 – JULY 28

Friday, July 21: Guests include Kevin Bacon, Jenna Dewan Tatum and Nate Bargatze. Show 709

Monday, July 24: Guests include Rob Lowe, Chrissy Metz and musical guest Fifth Harmony featuring Gucci Mane. Show 710

Tuesday, July 25: Guests include Jessica Biel, Matt Bomer and musical guest Kelsea Ballerini. Keith Sweat sits in with The Roots. Show 711

Wednesday, July 26: Guests include John Boyega, Rhett & Link and musical guest Kygo and Ellie Goulding. Show 712

Thursday, July 27: Guests include Michael Strahan, Jill Kargman and musical guest Slayer. Show 713

**Friday, July 28: Guests include David Spade, Desus & Mero, and Penn & Teller. Show 714

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JULY 20 – JULY 27

Thursday, July 20: Guests include Charlize Theron, Michael Phelps, Julie Klam and musical guest SZA. Show 708

Friday, July 21: Guests include Kevin Bacon, Jenna Dewan Tatum and Nate Bargatze. Show 709

Monday, July 24: Guests include Rob Lowe, Chrissy Metz and musical guest Fifth Harmony featuring Gucci Mane. Show 710

Tuesday, July 25: Guests include Jessica Biel, Matt Bomer and musical guest Kelsea Ballerini. Keith Sweat sits in with The Roots. Show 711

Wednesday, July 26: Guests include John Boyega, Rhett & Link and musical guest Kygo and Ellie Goulding. Show 712

**Thursday, July 27: Guests include Michael Strahan, Jill Kargman and musical guest Slayer. Show 713

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JULY 19 – JULY 26
Wednesday, July 19: Guests include Harry Styles, Jenny Slate and musical guest The Who. Show 707

Thursday, July 20: Guests include Charlize Theron, Michael Phelps, Julie Klam and musical guest SZA. Show 708

Friday, July 21: Guests include Kevin Bacon, Jenna Dewan Tatum and Nate Bargatze. Show 709

Monday, July 24: Guests include Rob Lowe, Chrissy Metz and musical guest Fifth Harmony featuring Gucci Mane. Show 710

Tuesday, July 25: Guests include Jessica Biel, Matt Bomer and musical guest Kelsea Ballerini. Keith Sweat sits in with The Roots. Show 711

**Wednesday, July 26: Guests include John Boyega, Rhett & Link and musical guest Kygo and Ellie Goulding. Show 712

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JULY 18 – JULY 25

Tuesday, July 18: Guests include Jada Pinkett Smith, Dane DeHaan and musical guest Rita Ora. Dave Davies sits in with The Roots. Show 706

Wednesday, July 19: Guests include Harry Styles, Jenny Slate and musical guest The Who. Show 707

Thursday, July 20: Guests include Charlize Theron, Michael Phelps, Julie Klam and musical guest SZA. Show 708

Friday, July 21: Guests include Kevin Bacon, Jenna Dewan Tatum and Nate Bargatze. Show 709

Monday, July 24: Guests include Rob Lowe, Chrissy Metz and musical guest Fifth Harmony featuring Gucci Mane. Show 710

**Tuesday, July 25: Guests include Jessica Biel, Matt Bomer and musical guest Kelsea Ballerini. Keith Sweat sits in with The Roots. Show 711

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JULY 17 – JULY 24
Monday, July 17: Guests include Queen Latifah, Kyle Mooney and musical guest Portugal. The Man. Show 705

Tuesday, July 18: Guests include Jada Pinkett Smith, Dane DeHaan and musical guest Rita Ora. Dave Davies sits in with The Roots. Show 706

Wednesday, July 19: Guests include Harry Styles, Jenny Slate and musical guest The Who. Show 707

Thursday, July 20: Guests include Charlize Theron, Michael Phelps, Julie Klam and musical guest SZA. Show 708

Friday, July 21: Guests include Kevin Bacon, Jenna Dewan Tatum and Nate Bargatze. Show 709

**Monday, July 24: Guests include Rob Lowe, Chrissy Metz and musical guest Fifth Harmony featuring Gucci Mane. Show 710

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JULY 14 – JULY 21

Friday, July 14: Guests include Kate McKinnon, John Cena and musical guest Mac DeMarco. OAD 6/9/17

Monday, July 17: Guests include Queen Latifah, Kyle Mooney and musical guest Portugal. The Man. Show 705

Tuesday, July 18: Guests include Jada Pinkett Smith, Dane DeHaan and musical guest Rita Ora. Dave Davies sits in with The Roots. Show 706

Wednesday, July 19: Guests include Harry Styles, Jenny Slate and musical guest The Who. Show 707

Thursday, July 20: Guests include Charlize Theron, Michael Phelps, Julie Klam and musical guest SZA. Show 708

**Friday, July 21: Guests include Kevin Bacon, Jenna Dewan Tatum and Nate Bargatze. Show 709

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JULY 13 – JULY 20
Thursday, July 13: Guests include Will Ferrell, Alison Brie and musical guest Shawn Mendes. OAD 6/19/17

Friday, July 14: Guests include Kate McKinnon, John Cena and musical guest Mac DeMarco. OAD 6/9/17

Monday, July 17: Guests include Queen Latifah, Kyle Mooney and musical guest Portugal. The Man. Show 705

Tuesday, July 18: Guests include Jada Pinkett Smith, Dane DeHaan and musical guest Rita Ora. Dave Davies sits in with The Roots. Show 706

Wednesday, July 19: Guests include Harry Styles, Jenny Slate and musical guest The Who. Show 707

**Thursday, July 20: Guests include Charlize Theron, Michael Phelps, Julie Klam and musical guest SZA. Show 708

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JULY 11 – JULY 19

Tuesday, July 11: Guests include Miley Cyrus and musical guest Miley Cyrus. OAD 6/14/17

Wednesday, July 12: Guests include Amy Poehler, Zendaya and musical guest Imagine Dragons. Dweezil Zappa sits in with The Roots. OAD 6/20/17

Thursday, July 13: Guests include Will Ferrell, Alison Brie and musical guest Shawn Mendes. OAD 6/19/17

Friday, July 14: Guests include Kate McKinnon, John Cena and musical guest Mac DeMarco. OAD 6/9/17

**Monday, July 17: Guests include Queen Latifah, Kyle Mooney and musical guest Portugal. The Man. Show 705

**Tuesday, July 18: Guests include Jada Pinkett Smith, Dane DeHaan and musical guest Rita Ora. Dave Davies sits in with The Roots. Show 706

**Wednesday, July 19: Guests include Harry Styles, Jenny Slate and musical guest The Who. Show 707

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JULY 5 – JULY 14
Wednesday, July 5: Guests include Chris Rock, Andy Cohen and musical guest Phoenix. OAD 5/2/17

Thursday, July 6: Guests include Tom Cruise, Kate Mara and musical guest Bleachers. Mike McCready sits in with The Roots. OAD 6/6/17

Friday, July 7: Guests include Derek Jeter, Katherine Langford and musical guest Father John Misty. OAD 5/12/17

Monday, July 10: Guests include Gal Gadot, Barry Manilow and musical guest Barry Manilow. OAD 5/23/17

Tuesday, July 11: Guests include Miley Cyrus and musical guest Miley Cyrus. OAD 6/14/17

**Wednesday, July 12: Guests include Amy Poehler, Zendaya and musical guest Imagine Dragons. Dweezil Zappa sits in with The Roots. OAD 6/20/17

**Thursday, July 13: Guests include Will Ferrell, Alison Brie and musical guest Shawn Mendes. OAD 6/19/17

**Friday, July 14: Guests include Kate McKinnon, John Cena and musical guest Mac DeMarco. OAD 6/9/17

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' June 26 – June 30

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.26.17
I saw that yesterday, President Trump said that Obama copied him by calling the Republican healthcare bill “mean.” And then Obama said Trump copied him by spending the last six months doing nothing.

Actually though, Obama’s taking some heat right now because it came out that two Senators tried to warn him that Russia was trying to hack the election, and he ignored them. Trump promises that if HE ever gets top-secret information about Russia, he'll do the responsible thing and tweet it.

Nancy Pelosi was talking about her first meeting with Trump, and she said that he served pigs in a blanket and kosher meatballs. It's good to know that even the president has a bunch of food from Costco he's just trying to get rid of. (TRUMP) "You sure you don’t want any pizza rolls?”

In a new interview, Ivanka Trump says she would give her dad an "A" as president. Then Ivanka said “A” as in “A Series of Unfortunate of Events.”

But this is nice. I saw that this weekend, Mike Pence officiated the wedding of Treasury Secretary Steve Mnuchin. Yeah, Pence said, “You may now kiss the bride.” Then he was like, "Not you, Mr. President.”

Some news for travelers. The TSA is testing a new policy that makes passengers take out their books at airport security. The policy has already affected the three Americans who still read books.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.27.17
I saw that President Trump invited all Republican senators to the White House today for a meeting about healthcare. I guess he turned to each of them and said, (TRUMP) "You have five seconds to explain it to me, GO!"

It came out yesterday that under the Republican healthcare plan, 22 million people will lose their health insurance over the next decade. 22 million! Or as Trump put it, (TRUMP) “Wow – that’s like, half my Inauguration crowd!”

I saw that Canada is restoring a historic brothel that was owned by Trump’s grandfather in 1897. They’re even putting a plaque out front that says: “The Trumps: Screwing people since 1897.”

Listen to this. Today, a giant cyberattack hit computer systems in Russia. In a related story, Hillary Clinton just had a GREAT week at computer camp.

Hey, check this out. I saw that a 125-pound Mastiff was just named the world’s ugliest dog. You can tell she’s ugly, cuz they didn’t know which end to put the medal around.

Actually, a new report says that more pets are becoming overweight. It’s not good - instead of using their wheel, hamsters are just hanging their clothes on it.

Oh, this is pretty crazy. Oscar Mayer just created a new drone that can drop hot dogs from the sky. So…your move, Russia.

A drone that drops hot dogs? Yeah, I'll believe that when pigs fly. (Hey - wait a minute...)
And finally, I read that Portland, Oregon, just held its annual naked bike ride. Yep, people all over Oregon were like, “Dude, THAT’S why you borrowed my bike?”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.28.17
I saw that President Trump retweeted a 16-year-old who posted a photo calling CNN the “Fake News Network.” When asked what it’s like to have a child follow you on Twitter, the 16-year-old said, “Pretty cool!”

Listen to this. I guess some parents are planning to boycott Disney World’s Hall of Presidents now that it features Trump. Or as their kids put it, “Oh no. Guess we’ll just have to do Splash Mountain again.”

I saw yesterday Republican senators took coach buses to the White House to meet with Trump about healthcare. You could tell which Senators actually read the bill, cuz they were the ones buckling their seatbelts.

Check this out. Elon Musk wants to build a tunnel connecting downtown Chicago to O'Hare Airport. It'll be modeled after the tunnel in New York that connects LaGuardia to Hell.
Facebook has a new feature that makes it easier for friends to remember your birthday. Or you could just be like most people and post “Thanks for all the birthday wishes” until everyone says “happy birthday.”

This made me laugh. The other day, a man in Minnesota got arrested, and handed the officer a Monopoly "Get out of jail free" card. Then when he got to prison, his cellmate handed him a card that said, “You won a beauty contest.”

And finally, this is pretty crazy. A woman in South Carolina just gave birth to a 14.4-pound baby boy. The doctor was like, "Congratulations! It's a man!"

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.29.17
This morning, President Trump sent a pretty crazy tweet about MSNBC's Mika Brzezinski, where he accused her of getting a face-lift. Then he went back to combing his hair with a Dyson Airblade.

President Trump accused Mika Brzezinski of getting cosmetic surgery. Which is odd, cuz that's the only thing covered by his healthcare plan.

I saw that yesterday, "Sesame Street" aired a segment about refugees, right before Trump's travel ban went into effect. After which, Trump made fun of Big Bird for getting a beak-job.
Oh, listen to this, you guys. Today’s actually the 10th anniversary of the release of the first iPhone. It’s also the 10th anniversary of someone asking their bartender, “Umm, can you charge this for me? You don’t have a thing with the plug??”

Let’s get to some sports. I read that over 400 people in New York are trying out to be ball-people for the U.S. Open. I haven’t seen that many people sign up to grab balls since the TSA was hiring.

And check this out. Airbnb is planning to launch a luxury service for mansions. They say it's perfect for people who want to have everything stolen from their mansion.

I just saw that a woman gave birth to a baby on a recent Spirit Airlines flight. When the flight attendant said, “Is there a doctor on board?” The passengers said, “Of course not, this is Spirit Airlines.”

Get this, you guys. For the fourth time, a small town in Kentucky has elected a dog as its mayor. People were so excited, at the victory party, they kept chanting "28 more years! 28 more years!"

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.30.17
You guys, it is 4th of July Weekend! Yep, it’s when Americans celebrate their freedom from the British. Or as the Queen put it, "How's that working out for ya these days?"
Actually, I saw that airlines are expecting 3.4 million travelers for the Fourth of July. And to get into the spirit, United’s gonna throw some firecrackers at the people in coach.

I read that Dulles airport in Washington D.C. is expected to have its most flight delays over 4th of July weekend. The good news is passengers flying out of D.C. get a few extra hours with their mistresses.

Of course, July 4th is also the Nathan’s Famous Hot Dog Eating Contest. Nobody is quite sure what’s in a hot dog – it’s the same as the Republican health care bill.

But here’s some good news. Trader Joe’s just got its canned wine back in stock in time for 4th of July weekend. I don’t wanna sound like a snob, but I prefer the canned wine from Whole Foods.

But a town in Connecticut is telling people not to set off fireworks on July 4th, because it might scare bald eagles that are nesting in the area. Which will backfire, when people realize fireworks and a bunch of eagles flying around would be the most patriotic thing EVER!

I saw that White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer will headline a fundraiser in Rhode Island this weekend. If you pay 200 dollars, you get a picture with Spicer; and if you pay 500 dollars, you don't.

Some news from overseas. I saw that today, Germany voted to legalize gay marriage. Everyone in Germany was so thrilled they came THIS CLOSE to smiling.

And get this. I read about a man who wanted to propose to his girlfriend, so he got a tattoo on his leg that said, “Will you marry me?” Which got weird when his dog was like, "Yes! A thousand times, yes!"

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JUNE 29 – JULY 6
Thursday, June 29: Guests include Alex Rodriguez, Nick Kroll and musical guest HAIM. Show 703

Friday, June 30: Guests include Alec Baldwin, Julie Andrews and Dan White. Show 704

Monday, July 3: Guests include Dwayne Johnson, Ellie Kemper and musical guest Charlie Puth. OAD 5/18/17

Tuesday, July 4: Guests include Jordan Peele, Claire Foy and musical guest Iggy Azalea featuring Anitta. OAD 5/26/17

Wednesday, July 5: Guests include Chris Rock, Andy Cohen and musical guest Phoenix. OAD 5/2/17

**Thursday, July 6: Guests include Tom Cruise, Kate Mara and musical guest Bleachers. Mike McCready sits in with The Roots. OAD 6/6/17

**Friday, July 7: Guests include Derek Jeter, Katherine Langford and musical guest Father John Misty. OAD 5/12/17

**Monday, July 10: Guests include Gal Gadot, Barry Manilow and musical guest Barry Manilow. OAD 5/23/17

**Tuesday, July 11: Guests include Miley Cyrus and musical guest Miley Cyrus. OAD 6/14/17

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JUNE 28 – JULY 5

Wednesday, June 28: Guests include Kristen Wiig, Paul Dano and musical guest Macklemore featuring Skylar Grey. Show 702

Thursday, June 29: Guests include Alex Rodriguez, Nick Kroll and musical guest HAIM. Show 703

Friday, June 30: Guests include Alec Baldwin, Julie Andrews and Dan White. Show 704

Monday, July 3: Guests include Dwayne Johnson, Ellie Kemper and musical guest Charlie Puth. OAD 5/18/17

Tuesday, July 4: Guests include Jordan Peele, Claire Foy and musical guest Iggy Azalea featuring Anitta. OAD 5/26/17

**Wednesday, July 5: Guests include Chris Rock, Andy Cohen and musical guest Phoenix. OAD 5/2/17

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JUNE 27 – JULY 4
Tuesday, June 27: Guests include Steve Carell, Lily Collins and musical guest Sheryl Crow. Show 701

Wednesday, June 28: Guests include Kristen Wiig, Paul Dano and musical guest Macklemore featuring Skylar Grey. Show 702

Thursday, June 29: Guests include Alex Rodriguez, Nick Kroll and musical guest HAIM. Show 703

Friday, June 30: Guests include Alec Baldwin, Julie Andrews and Dan White. Show 704

**Monday, July 3: Guests include Dwayne Johnson, Ellie Kemper and musical guest Charlie Puth. OAD 5/18/17

**Tuesday, July 4: Guests include Jordan Peele, Claire Foy and musical guest Iggy Azalea featuring Anitta. OAD 5/26/17

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JUNE 26 – JUNE 30

Monday, June 26: Guests include Pharrell Williams, Chris Colfer and musical guest Vince Staples. Show 700

Tuesday, June 27: Guests include Steve Carell, Lily Collins and musical guest Sheryl Crow. Show 701

Wednesday, June 28: Guests include Kristen Wiig, Paul Dano and musical guest Macklemore featuring Skylar Grey. Show 702

Thursday, June 29: Guests include Alex Rodriguez, Nick Kroll and musical guest HAIM. Show 703

Friday, June 30: Guests include Alec Baldwin, Julie Andrews and Dan White. Show 704

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' June 19 – June 23
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.19.17
A new report just came out that says President Trump made 598 million dollars in income last year. I mean, it sounds like a lot, but after taxes, it was still 598 million.

In the meantime, Trump is running a fundraising contest where the winner gets to have dinner with him. James Comey was like, "Trust me, that's not a good prize."

This Russia investigation just keeps getting crazier, and Trump’s aides say that he actually yells at the TV whenever it comes up. And they even said that he yells even LOUDER when he watches Blues Clues. “There’s a paw print! Steve, you idiot!”

I saw that this weekend, Trump took his first trip to Camp David. He spent the whole weekend walking around, exploring the property and looking for the Wi-Fi password.
I wanna say congrats to Beyoncé and Jay Z who just welcomed twins! The doctor said, “It’s a boy and a girl!” While the twins said, (AMAZED) “It’s Jay Z and Beyoncé!”

Actually, people figured out they’d had a boy and a girl when they saw light blue and bright pink balloons being delivered. Incidentally, “Light Blue” and “Bright Pink” are also names they’re considering for the babies.

Oh, a big business story you guys. Amazon is buying Whole Foods for over 13 billion dollars. It’s a good deal, but they’re gonna be mad when they just find out they could’ve bought Trader Joe’s for 6 billion.

I just read this fact - I don’t know how they figured this out - but I read that the new season of “Game of Thrones” supposedly broke a record for the most people set on fire by a TV show. Even crazier, the show that held the record before them was “Frasier.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.20.17
The White House is reportedly taking Sean Spicer off of giving press briefings, and moving him to a “more senior role focused on strategy.” Which I think is the political version of saying someone’s moving to “a farm upstate.”

Actually, it turns out Spicer is leading the search for his own replacement. Trump would help – but he’s busy searching for HIS own replacement.

Oh, and listen to this. Steve Bannon apparently said that Spicer's press briefings have been off camera lately because, quote, “Sean got fatter.” You know you’re in bad shape when Steve Bannon thinks you’ve let yourself go.

And with the Russia investigation getting bigger, I read that Trump’s lawyer has now hired his own lawyer. When asked if he feels good about the case, Trump’s lawyer’s lawyer said, “Talk to my lawyer.”

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump met with Republican senators today to talk about paid family leave. The senators were like, "We’ll TOTALLY pay for your family to leave! How much do you want??”

But this is pretty crazy. I read that flights in Arizona had to be canceled today because of extreme heat. It was so hot on the planes, United was dragging passengers down a slip-n-slide.

I saw that yesterday, people across the country reported Sprint, Verizon and AT&T outages. Yep, it’s the only day in history where that one friend bragged about having Metro PCS.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.21.17
Guys, today is the Summer Solstice, which is the longest day of the year. Or as the White House calls that, “every day.”

I saw that today, hundreds of people did yoga in Times Square to celebrate the first day of summer. At least, I THINK that’s why Times Square Elmo was lying face-down.

I read that Mitch McConnell wants to force a Senate vote on healthcare before July 4th. Cuz if there’s one day you wanna take away people’s healthcare, it’s the day when they get drunk and set off fireworks.

Oh, listen to this – this is some scoop, some gossip. A child development expert has sued Disney for stealing her idea for the movie "Inside Out." Disney called the suit ridiculous, then announced their next movie about a child development expert who sues Disney for stealing her idea.

Check this out. Major League Baseball is having “Game of Thrones” night at the ballpark this season. It’s a night where baseball fans and “Game of Thrones” fans will look at each other and say, “I have NO IDEA what’s going on.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.22.17
You guys, we have Ray Romano on the show tonight! He stars in the movie “The Big Sick” – which is also the name of the Republican Healthcare Bill.

That’s right, the Senate healthcare bill came out today - and I saw that it would cut a tax on indoor tanning. Which is the biggest proof so far that Trump was actually working on the bill.
This is pretty big. Yesterday, White House officials said Russia targeted election systems in 21 states last year. Trump was furious – he said, (TRUMP) “I paid for all 50!!”

Today, Trump tweeted that he doesn’t have recordings of his conversations with former FBI director James Comey. Then one guy said, (PUTIN) “Don’t worry – you can borrow ours. We have the whole conversation. Everything’s recorded. You can get it on vinyl if you want!”
But this is nice. Tonight was the Congressional picnic at the White House. Trump spent the picnic chatting with lawmakers, while Mike Pence spent the night avoiding eye contact with the hot dogs.

Some business news here. The CEO of Uber announced that he’s resigning from the company. When asked how he thinks he did, he said, “Three stars.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.23.17
President Trump held a big rally in Iowa this week – but at one point, he proposed an immigration rule that's already been a law since 1996. Then it got worse when Trump said we should end Prohibition and put a man on the moon.

Did you see this? The New York Times actually referred to Trump’s rally as "a venting session." Or as Trump calls it, “Twitter Live.”

Here’s some good news. Yesterday, the government ruled that the grizzly bears in Yellowstone National Park are no longer endangered, because there are now more than 700 roaming around the park. Then people camping in Yellowstone were like, "Wait, what?!"
I saw that Amazon is going to stream Thursday night NFL games to Prime subscribers this season. Yeah, Amazon bought NFL games, AND Whole Foods. It’s like Amazon got drunk and started buying things on Amazon.

Well this is a little strange. Oregon just passed a law that lets drivers keep roadkill for food. Although, if you're someone who's willing to eat roadkill, something tells me you don’t really care how legal it is. (GRUFF HICKS) “Wanna eat that squirrel?” “I think we should check with the law first.”

I thought this was nice. A baby who was born on an Indian airline flight is being gifted free flights for life. Meanwhile, the guy who sat next to her for eight hours got nothing.
And finally, I saw that Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto signed a bill this week legalizing medical marijuana. So FINALLY people will be able to get drugs in Mexico.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JUNE 23 – JUNE 30

Friday, June 23: Guests include Keanu Reeves, Cat Deeley and Ali Kolbert. Show 699

Monday, June 26: Guests include Pharrell Williams, Chris Colfer and musical guest Vince Staples. Show 700

Tuesday, June 27: Guests include Steve Carell, Lily Collins and musical guest Sheryl Crow. Show 701

Wednesday, June 28: Guests include Kristen Wiig, Paul Dano and musical guest Macklemore featuring Skylar Grey. Show 702

Thursday, June 29: Guests include Alex Rodriguez, Nick Kroll and musical guest HAIM. Show 703

**Friday, June 30: Guests include Alec Baldwin, Julie Andrews and Dan White. Show 704
These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JUNE 21 – JUNE 28


'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JUNE 21 – JUNE 28


Wednesday, June 21: Guests include Ashton Kutcher, Mario Batali and musical guest Liam Payne. Show 697



Thursday, June 22: Guests include Ray Romano, Ruth Negga and musical guest Camilla Cabello. Show 698



Friday, June 23: Guests include Keanu Reeves, Cat Deeley and Ali Kolbert. Show 699



Monday, June 26: Guests include Pharrell Williams, Chris Colfer and musical guest Vince Staples. Show 700



Tuesday, June 27: Guests include Steve Carell, Lily Collins and musical guest Sheryl Crow. Show 701



**Wednesday, June 28: Guests include Kristen Wiig, Paul Dano and musical guest Macklemore featuring Skylar Grey. Show 702



These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JUNE 20 – JUNE 27


Tuesday, June 20: Guests include Amy Poehler, Zendaya and musical guest Imagine Dragons. Dweezil Zappa sits in with The Roots. Show 696

Wednesday, June 21: Guests include Ashton Kutcher, Mario Batali and musical guest Liam Payne. Show 697

Thursday, June 22: Guests include Ray Romano, Ruth Negga and musical guest Camilla Cabello. Show 698

Friday, June 23: Guests include Keanu Reeves, Cat Deeley and Ali Kolbert. Show 699

Monday, June 26: Guests include Pharrell Williams, Chris Colfer and musical guest Vince Staples. Show 700

**Tuesday, June 27: Guests include Steve Carell, Lily Collins and musical guest Sheryl Crow. Show 701

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JUNE 19 – JUNE 26


Monday, June 19: Guests include Will Ferrell, Alison Brie and musical guest Shawn Mendes. Show 695

Tuesday, June 20: Guests include Amy Poehler, Zendaya and musical guest Imagine Dragons. Dweezil Zappa sits in with The Roots. Show 696

Wednesday, June 21: Guests include Ashton Kutcher, Mario Batali and musical guest Liam Payne. Show 697

Thursday, June 22: Guests include Ray Romano, Ruth Negga and musical guest Camilla Cabello. Show 698

Friday, June 23: Guests include Keanu Reeves, Cat Deeley and Ali Kolbert. Show 699

**Monday, June 26: Guests include Pharrell Williams, Chris Colfer and musical guest Vince Staples. Show 700

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' June 12 – June 16



Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.12.17

Today, a Federal Appeals Court ruled against President Trump's revised travel ban - and get this, they even quoted his tweets in their decision. Or as Trump put it, (TRUMP) “That counts as a retweet!” (I win!)



After the ruling, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer said he’s confident that the travel ban is "fully lawful." Then he was like, "Sorry, I read that wrong - it’s ‘fully awful.’ My mistake.”



And I saw that over the weekend, Melania Trump finally moved into the White House. But this is a bad sign - she only brought a week’s worth of clothes.



This is pretty big. I saw that yesterday, Puerto Rico voted to become America’s 51st state. That’s when you know things can’t be good in Puerto Rico when they see what’s going on here, and they’re like, “We’re gonna take our chances.”



Right now, New York is in the middle of a heat wave. Temperatures are in the mid-90s. You can tell it’s hot - today, Times Square Elmo passed out BEFORE he could get drunk.

Some more sports news. Yesterday, Rafael Nadal won the French Open and became the first man to win 10 titles at any major tournament. When asked what his secret is, he said, “Not having to play Serena Williams.”



Last night was the Tony’s, you guys - but the new musical “Groundhog Day” went home empty handed. The producers say they’re disappointed, but will try again yesterday.

And finally, I read about a couple in Vermont that is selling their house, and part of it extends over the border into Canada. It’s really cool – it has three bedrooms, two baths and free healthcare.



Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.13.17

Some big news out of Washington - Attorney General Jeff Sessions testified in Congress today as part of the Russia investigation. And it wasn’t a good sign when they asked him if he swore to tell the truth and nothing but the truth and he said, (RUSSIAN) “Da.”

During his testimony, Sessions said he doesn't recall having any conversations with Russian officials at the Mayflower Hotel. Then John McCain interrupted to talk about being on the Mayflower. (MCCAIN) “At the time, I was 65...”



Meanwhile, a former spokesperson for President Bush tweeted that Trump should "stop talking" because he’s heading toward a “perjury trap." Trump heard that and was like, “‘Perjury Trap,’ that’s my favorite Lindsay Lohan movie!”



And get this. Today, author Stephen King revealed that Trump has blocked him on Twitter. That's right, the world's scariest writer...blocked Stephen King.



Hey, I want to say congrats to the Golden State Warriors, who won the NBA Championship last night! But it’s pretty crazy. I read that someone bought the most expensive seats in NBA history for last night’s game at $133,000. It seemed like a great idea until they found out the seats were right behind Shaq. (SHAQ) “Don’t worry, I’ll tell you everything that’s going on.”

Check this out, you guys. I read that Tesla's new Model X car just got the first-ever perfect safety rating for an SUV. On one hand, it's a great accomplishment, on the other... have no SUVs been safe until now?!



I saw that a principal in Washington D.C. said that she'll give her students $100 each if they don't use electronics every Tuesday over summer vacation. Kids couldn’t believe it - they were like, “100 bucks, just to tell one lie?? I mean, yeah sure, let’s do it!”



Here’s kind of a weird story. Police are looking for a man known as the “Dollar Tree bandit,” after he robbed a bunch of dollar stores across the country. And if captured, his bail will be set at a whopping two dollars.



And finally, I read that New York lawmakers are going to reintroduce a proposal to legalize marijuana. When asked why they’re reintroducing it, they said, (STONER) “Cuz we forgot we did it the first time.”



Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.14.17

I saw that today is President Trump’s 71st birthday. That’s right - when his staff saw him coming, they turned out the lights and hid…until he went away. “Phew! That was close!”

And during his testimony yesterday, Attorney General Jeff Sessions said he hasn't been asked to do anything illegal by Trump since taking office. Then he said, “And frankly, I’m starting to feel a little left out.”



Some news for parents. Sesame Workshop is teaming up with IBM to create a vocabulary learning app. Yeah, they say it’s for kids ages 5 to president.



This is interesting. Researchers now believe that Jupiter is the oldest planet in the solar system. Yeah, they learned that when Jupiter e-mailed them from an AOL account. (That’s a dead giveaway.)



Oh, get this. I read that defibrillators might soon be delivered by drones so that you can get help fast if you’re having a heart attack. So if you’re having chest pains, I’m sure you’ll feel way calmer when you see a giant drone diving toward you.



I saw that firefighters in Connecticut gave a bride and groom a ride to their wedding reception after their bus's engine caught fire. The groom said he hadn’t felt that scared since…he had to tell his fiancée they were taking a bus to their wedding. (DUMB) “What?!” “Better deal than the limousine! We get the bus for the whole month!”



Well, listen to this. A new study finds that people who play video games last longer in the bedroom. Of course they do, because all they’re thinking about the entire time is video games.



Yeah, they say gamers are better in the bedroom. Which sounds good - til you get busted reading some cheat codes. "Up-down-up-down-left-right-left-right..."



And finally, this really made me laugh. A guy in Kansas who robbed a bank so he could go to jail and get away from his wife was just sentenced to six months of house arrest. Marking the first guy under house arrest who's about to be someone's bitch.



Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.15.17

A big story here - the Washington Post reports that President Trump is being investigated for Obstruction of Justice - which could wind up costing him the presidency. Then Trump was like, (TRUMP) “Okay - now give me the bad news.”



And get this though. The news that Trump is being investigated actually came out on his birthday. Marking the first time someone blew out their candles - and everyone ELSE’S wish came true.



This morning, Trump responded to the article on Twitter and called it a “phony story.” I guess at this point even Trump’s tired of saying “fake news.” (TRUMP) “I used a thesaurus, which by the way is also my favorite dinosaur.”



I saw that Fox News is dropping its slogan “Fair and Balanced.” Instead, it’ll be replaced with the more appropriate slogan: “Blondes and Hannity.”



This is nice. Kevin Durant says that President Obama sent him a text to congratulate him on winning his first championship this week. Meanwhile, LeBron got a text that said, (TRUMP) "Loser!"



I thought this was kind of surprising. The writer of the "Scooby-Doo" movie says the first cut of the film was edgier, and got an R-rating. And they would've gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for those meddling kids at the Motion Picture Association!



Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.16.17

Hey, this Sunday is Father’s Day, you guys! And if you’re just finding that out now… no, the card won’t get there in time.



Let’s get to some news here. I saw that the Trump Organization is opening up a patriotic hotel chain called “American Idea." It’s just like a regular hotel, but when you call the front desk to complain about something, the concierge says, (TRUMP) “FAKE!”



But it seems like every day there’s another crazy story out of the White House. And I read that last month, the Washington Post had over a billion page views. A billion! And that was just Trump refreshing the page to see if they’d written ANYTHING nice about him. (TRUMP, REFRESHING) “Nope…nope…nope…wait! Nope…”



I heard that the Broadway play "Six Degrees of Separation" is closing this weekend. I didn’t see it, but I’m sure I know someone who knows someone who knows someone who did.

Check this out. I saw that Boeing is looking to test technology for self-flying planes. And as soon as they heard, pilots were like (DRUNK) “What makes that technology better than me? I will fly the plane!”

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JUNE 15 – JUNE 22



Thursday, June 15: Guests include Ethan Hawke, Lorde and musical guest Lorde. Show 693

Friday, June 16: Guests include Kirsten Dunst, Larry the Cable Guy and Nikki Glaser. Show 694


Monday, June 19: Guests include Will Ferrell, Alison Brie and musical guest Shawn Mendes. Show 695


Tuesday, June 20: Guests include Amy Poehler, Zendaya and musical guest Imagine Dragons. Dweezil Zappa sits in with The Roots. Show 696


Wednesday, June 21: Guests include Ashton Kutcher, Mario Batali and musical guest Liam Payne. Show 697


**Thursday, June 22: Guests include Ray Romano, Ruth Negga and musical guest Camilla Cabello. Show 698


These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JUNE 14 – JUNE 21


Wednesday, June 14: Guests include Miley Cyrus and musical guest Miley Cyrus. Show 692

Thursday, June 15: Guests include Ethan Hawke, Lorde and musical guest Lorde. Show 693

Friday, June 16: Guests include Kirsten Dunst, Larry the Cable Guy and Nikki Glaser. Show 694

Monday, June 19: Guests include Will Ferrell, Alison Brie and musical guest Shawn Mendes. Show 695

Tuesday, June 20: Guests include Amy Poehler, Zendaya and musical guest Imagine Dragons. Dweezil Zappa sits in with The Roots. Show 696

**Wednesday, June 21: Guests include Ashton Kutcher, Mario Batali and musical guest Liam Payne. Show 697

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JUNE 13 – JUNE 20



Tuesday, June 13: Guests include Mark Wahlberg, Heidi Klum and musical guest Lady Antebellum. Show 691



Wednesday, June 14: Guests include Miley Cyrus and musical guest Miley Cyrus. Show 692



Thursday, June 15: Guests include Ethan Hawke, Lorde and musical guest Lorde. Show 693



Friday, June 16: Guests include Kirsten Dunst, Larry the Cable Guy and Nikki Glaser. Show 694



Monday, June 19: Guests include Will Ferrell, Alison Brie and musical guest Shawn Mendes. Show 695



**Tuesday, June 20: Guests include Amy Poehler, Zendaya and musical guest Imagine Dragons. Dweezil Zappa sits in with The Roots. Show 696



These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JUNE 12 – JUNE 19



Monday, June 12: Guests include Demi Moore, Demetrius Shipp Jr. and musical guest Nathaniel Rateliff, Charles Berry Jr. and Charles Berry III. Show 690

Tuesday, June 13: Guests include Mark Wahlberg, Heidi Klum and musical guest Lady Antebellum. Show 691

Wednesday, June 14: Guests include Miley Cyrus and musical guest Miley Cyrus. Show 692

Thursday, June 15: Guests include Ethan Hawke, Lorde and musical guest Lorde. Show 693

Friday, June 16: Guests include Kirsten Dunst, Larry the Cable Guy and Nikki Glaser. Show 694

**Monday, June 19: Guests include Will Ferrell, Alison Brie and musical guest Shawn Mendes. Show 695

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' June 5 – June 9

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.5.17
Guys, we’re about two weeks away from the start of summer! And thanks to Trump’s climate plan – we may never see the end of it!

That’s right - last week, President Trump announced the United States will withdraw from the Paris Climate Agreement. Trump said he wants the entire country to be the same temperature as a Florida golf course.

Yeah, he pulled us out of the Paris Climate Agreement. After thinking about it for several months, Trump said, (TRUMP) “Tell Paris Hilton that I just can’t get behind her agreement.”
Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton’s running mate Tim Kaine tweeted that Trump is pulling out of it because he’s jealous of Obama. Then Kaine waited for one of his 25 followers to retweet him.

But to show its commitment to honoring the agreement, New York City lit up its buildings in green. Though if we’re really worried about the environment - how about we DON’T light up each of our buildings all night?

Actually, Mayor de Blasio is being criticized for supporting the Paris Climate Agreement, but still taking a motorcade all the way to a YMCA in Brooklyn to work out. When asked why he insists on going to that YMCA, de Blasio said, “You can get yourself clean, you can have a good meal – you can do whatever you feel!”

I saw that yesterday, Trump went golfing with Peyton Manning. Trump said Peyton was a tremendous golfer - while Eli was a decent caddy.

Some entertainment news. “Wonder Woman” made over 100 million dollars at the box office this weekend, and beat “Captain Underpants.” But I think Captain Underpants is in denial – he’s been handing out Electoral Maps to show the theaters where he won.

Guys, check this out. Walmart is offering a new service where employees will deliver items to your house on their way home from work. Not only that – they’ll also deliver the items in a Target bag so your neighbors think you’re classy.

This is interesting. A new survey says that Sears and Hertz are some of the worst companies to work for. Then one Walmart employee delivering a pair of socks at midnight was like, "Wanna bet?"

Hey I want to say Happy Birthday to Kenny G, who turned 61 years old today! To celebrate, his friends threw him a party in the fanciest elevator in town.

And finally, I saw that yesterday was National Hug Your Cat Day! So if you tried to participate – I want to wish you a speedy recovery.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.6.17
What a great show we have for you tonight - Tom Cruise is here! He stars in “The Mummy” that’s out this weekend. This is a story about a two thousand year old corpse that is brought back to life whenever someone says the ancient, cursed word - “Covfefe.”

Let’s get to some news here. A highly-classified document was just leaked, and it suggests that Russia may have hacked into our voting systems before the election. You could tell the report was "highly-classified" because it was marked, "Don’t Show Trump."

In fact, it turns out Russia actually hacked the company that makes our voting machines. Which explains why anyone who pressed on "Hillary Clinton," heard a voice go, (RUSSIAN) "Try again."

I saw that the NSA contractor who leaked the document is a woman named Reality Winner. When he was asked if he had any contact with the leaker, Trump said, (TRUMP) "Nope - I’m TOTALLY out of touch with Reality."

Of course, Trump’s been causing a lot of problems with the things he’s tweeted recently - but the White House says he isn’t concerned with being politically correct. Then they clarified their statement and said he isn't even concerned about being correct.

Here’s a crazy story. Police in Colorado say a bear broke into a woman’s house and played her piano. The woman was furious, since she just spent hundreds of dollars for that bear to take guitar lessons.

And finally, I saw that the game show “Cash Cab” is coming back to the Discovery Channel! That’s right, it’s a show where the driver asks passengers questions from the second they get into the car until they reach their destination - or as it’s called now, “Uber.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.7.17
Some big news out of Washington. This morning, President Trump tweeted that he’s nominating Christopher Wray to be the new Director of the FBI, and called him “a man of impeccable credentials.” Wray was like, “Thanks! Can I put that on my resume when you fire me?”

This is interesting. I read that Wray was actually Chris Christie’s lawyer. He helped Christie with the Bridgegate scandal, and also got restraining orders dropped from seven KFC's.
Former FBI Director James Comey released the opening statement for his testimony tomorrow - and he says Trump once invited him to dinner, and it turned out to just be the two of them. Even worse, he made them sit on the same side of the booth. (TRUMP) “Move your elbow.”

At the dinner, Comey says Trump asked him for loyalty - and then they just looked at each other in silence. Then Melania said, (ASIDE) “That’s what I shoulda done.”

I saw that a bar in D.C. is opening at 9:30 a.m. tomorrow for Comey's hearing and will give everyone a free round of drinks each time Trump tweets about it. Which means everyone will be blacked out around 9:31 a.m.

Hey, I saw that today is Vice President Mike Pence’s 58th birthday. But the White House is gonna leave the decorations up all week so they can also celebrate Pence’s inauguration.
I saw that Obama also visited George and Amal Clooney at their home in the U.K. right before Amal gave birth to their twins. Man, I knew Obamacare was good – but didn’t know he actually showed up to deliver your babies!

Of course, I want to say congratulations to George Clooney who became a dad at 56! It's now a competition between George and Amal whether the twins' first word will be "Mom" or "Grandpa."

That’s right, George Clooney and his wife just welcomed twins. Afterward, George said, "We just need nine more and we can rob a casino!"

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.8.17
You guys, a big heat wave is expected in New York City this weekend. They say we’ll be sweating like Trump while he watched James Comey testify.

Despite Comey’s testimony, a White House spokesperson said today is a "regular Thursday at the White House." America was like, "Yeah, that's what worries us."

But this is pretty interesting. Comey said he kept memos of his meetings with Trump because he felt that the president may lie about them. Even Trump is like, (TRUMP) "Yeah, that sounds like me. Good thinking.”

Comey also talked about rumors that his conversations with Trump were recorded, and said, quote, "Lordy, I hope there are tapes." And when Comey said “Lordy,” Mike Pence was like, (COVER EARS) “Eh - language!”

This is kinda big. I saw that in the latest Batman comic, Batman proposes to Catwoman. Then Robin’s like, (SASSY/MAD) “Who. The Hell. Is She??”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.9.17
Well the big story is still former FBI Director James Comey’s testimony yesterday. And I saw that Trump's lawyer responded with a statement that was filled with typos, and even misspelled the word “president.” Trump was like, (TRUMP) “Did he forget the Z?”

During his testimony, Comey said he had a friend leak his memos to the New York Times to get a special counsel appointed to the Russia investigation. And that's when he found out if you say the words, “leak,” “New York Times,” and “Russia,” Donald Trump suddenly appears behind you.

Comey also said he's “sure” Trump will be investigated for obstruction of justice. And if Trump’s found guilty, they plan to punish him by STILL making him be president.
But the White House responded to reports that Trump lied, and said it's "frankly insulting" to be asked if he’s a liar. So that story again, the White House didn't actually deny that Trump is a liar.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JUNE 9 – JUNE 16



Friday, June 9: Guests include Kate McKinnon, John Cena and musical guest Mac DeMarco. Show 689



Monday, June 12: Guests include Demi Moore, Demetrius Shipp Jr. and musical guest Nathaniel Rateliff, Charles Berry Jr. and Charles Berry III. Show 690



Tuesday, June 13: Guests include Mark Wahlberg, Heidi Klum and musical guest Lady Antebellum. Show 691



**Wednesday, June 14: Guests include Miley Cyrus and musical guest Miley Cyrus. Show 692



**Thursday, June 15: Guests include Ethan Hawke, Lorde and musical guest Lorde. Show 693



**Friday, June 16: Guests include Kirsten Dunst, Larry the Cable Guy and Nikki Glaser. Show 694



These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: June 6 – June 13



Tuesday, June 6: Guests include Tom Cruise, Kate Mara and musical guest Bleachers. Mike McCready sits in with The Roots. Show 686

Wednesday, June 7: Guests include Norm Macdonald, Chelsea Clinton, Robert Irwin and musical guest Rae Sremmurd. Show 687

Thursday, June 8: Guests include Will Arnett, Courtney B. Vance, Laurie Metcalf and musical guest Buckingham McVie. Show 688

Friday, June 9: Guests include Kate McKinnon, John Cena and musical guest Mac DeMarco. Show 689

Monday, June 12: Guests include Demi Moore, Demetrius Shipp Jr. and musical guest Nathaniel Rateliff, Charles Berry Jr. and Charles Berry III. Show 690

**Tuesday, June 13: Guests include Mark Wahlberg, Heidi Klum and musical guest Lady Antebellum. Show 691

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: June 5 – June 12


Monday, June 5: Guests include John Lithgow, Riley Keough, Giles Martin and musical guest Thundercat featuring Michael McDonald & Kenny Loggins. Show 685

Tuesday, June 6: Guests include Tom Cruise, Kate Mara and musical guest Bleachers. Mike McCready sits in with The Roots. Show 686

Wednesday, June 7: Guests include Norm Macdonald, Chelsea Clinton, Robert Irwin and musical guest Rae Sremmurd. Show 687

**Thursday, June 8: Guests include Will Arnett, Courtney B. Vance, Laurie Metcalf and musical guest Buckingham McVie. Show 688

Friday, June 9: Guests include Kate McKinnon, John Cena and musical guest Mac DeMarco. Show 689

**Monday, June 12: Guests include Demi Moore, Demetrius Shipp Jr. and musical guest Nathaniel Rateliff, Charles Berry Jr. and Charles Berry III. Show 690

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JUNE 2 – JUNE 9



Friday, June 2: Guests include Salma Hayek, Mike Birbiglia and musical guests Clean Bandit and Zara Larsson. OAD 4/21/17



Monday, June 5: Guests include John Lithgow, Riley Keough, Giles Martin and musical guest Thundercat featuring Michael McDonald & Kenny Loggins. Show 685



Tuesday, June 6: Guests include Tom Cruise, Kate Mara and musical guest Bleachers. Mike McCready sits in with The Roots. Show 686



Wednesday, June 7: Guests include Norm Macdonald, Chelsea Clinton, Robert Irwin and musical guest Rae Sremmurd. Show 687



**Thursday, June 8: Guests include Will Arnett, Courtney B. Vance and musical guest Buckingham McVie. Show 688



**Friday, June 9: Guests include Kate McKinnon, John Cena and musical guest Mac DeMarco. Show 689



These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: MAY 30 – JUNE 7


Tuesday, May 30: Guests include Tina Fey, Alessandro Nivola and musical guest Dirty Projectors featuring D∆WN. OAD 5/10/17

Wednesday, May 31: Guests include Dr. Phil, Leslie Jones and musical guest Rick Ross featuring Young Thug and Wale. OAD 4/26/17

Thursday, June 1: Guests include Kobe Bryant, Kathryn Hahn and musical guest Big Boi. OAD 4/24/17

Friday, June 2: Guests include Salma Hayek, Mike Birbiglia and musical guests Clean Bandit and Zara Larsson. OAD 4/21/17

**Monday, June 5: Guests include John Lithgow, Riley Keough, Giles Martin and musical guest Thundercat featuring Michael McDonald & Kenny Loggins. Show 685

**Tuesday, June 6: Guests include Tom Cruise, Kate Mara and musical guest Bleachers. Mike McCready sits in with The Roots. Show 686

**Wednesday, June 7: Guests include Norm Macdonald, Chelsea Clinton, Robert Irwin and musical guest Rae Sremmurd. Show 687

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' May 22 – May 26

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.22.17
President Trump is still on his big overseas trip, and today he arrived in Israel and landed in Tel Aviv. When they welcomed him to Tel Aviv, Trump said, (TRUMP) “Who’s Aviv, and what am I supposed to tell him? Aviv - I’ve seen his show on Netflix!” “That’s Aziz.” (TRUMP) “You just sneezed??”

I saw that today Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu gave him a 150-year-old Bible. Which got awkward when Trump autographed it and gave it back to him.

I saw that the president of Egypt told Trump he has a “unique personality,” and Trump told him that he had nice shoes. That sounds less like two world leaders and more like a bad Tinder date. (GIRL) “You have a unique personality.” (GUY) “Thanks. Nice shoes.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.23.17
President Trump is still on his big trip overseas. And I saw that he actually took over an entire hotel in Jerusalem. Mary and Joseph were like, “Seriously? You make room for THAT guy??”

And today, Trump left Israel and headed for Rome, the third stop on his trip. You can tell Trump’s tired, because when his staff told him the next stop was “Rome,” he said, (TRUMP) “Please tell me that’s Scooby Doo-talk for ‘home.’” (SCOOBY) “Rome?”

And this is pretty big. Tomorrow, Trump will visit with the Pope. Trump said he's really excited because he's always wanted to meet Jude Law.

Meanwhile, Trump just released his new budget proposal. And Bernie Sanders said his cuts to Medicaid are "just cruel." But Bernie will get his medicine the same way as always: finding an old pill in his suit pocket.

Yesterday, Education Secretary Betsy DeVos said that people who oppose school choice are "flat earthers." She was like, "Which is ridiculous, because everyone knows the Earth is a cube."

Finally, guys, a new report found that legal marijuana brought in more money last year than Girl Scout cookies did. Though to be fair, Girl Scout cookies wouldn’t have made as much money if it weren’t for marijuana.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.24.17
Today, President Trump had his first meeting with Pope Francis at the Vatican. Yeah, everyone in the U.S. was watching closely and looking for some white smoke to see if we have a new president.

That’s right, Trump met with the pope. Though it got weird when Trump was like, (TRUMP) “Jesus only had 12 followers?? Sad. His tweets must’ve been terrible!”

And this was nice. After their meeting, the Pope gave Trump a medal featuring an olive branch. When Trump received it, he asked, (TRUMP) “Does this mean I can eat for free at any Olive Garden? Or just here in Italy?”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.25.17
Today, President Trump had lunch with the French president, Emmanuel Macron, who was just sworn in 11 days ago. Trump was like, (TRUMP) “Wow 11 days -- you must be on your, what, like 50th scandal by now?”

That’s right, Trump is in Belgium right now, which is six hours ahead of us. He kinda likes that because when he sends a crazy tweet at 3 a.m., it looks like a thoughtful post at 9 p.m.
And this is pretty big. Last night, a Republican congressional candidate named Greg Gianforte apparently bodyslammed a reporter. Some Republicans are defending him, saying the bodyslam wasn’t a big deal - which they might regret in three years, when The Rock runs for president.

This isn’t good. I saw that a college student in Florida is accused of breaking into a building and changing his grade from an F to a B. His parents were like, “Really? You can’t even get an A when you’re CHEATING??” (I mean, try hard at SOMETHING!)

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.26.17
You guys, it is Fleet Week here in New York City, and our entire audience is filled with servicemen and women! This is officially the one hour all weekend when they won't be drinking.

Everyone’s excited. In fact, I saw that people have been posting photos with the hashtag, “SelfieWithASailor.” Which is great for sailors – cuz they can remember who they went home with last night.

Yeah, I love Fleet Week. It’s like “Top Gun” meets “The Bachelorette.”
Of course, one of the big events is the big parade of ships in the harbor - and I saw that one of them was from Canada. You can tell which ship it is because it’s the one apologizing to every wave it crashes into. (CANADIAN) “Sorry, sorry!”

But it’s amazing to see how the skills you learn in the military help you out later in life. For instance, learning how to jump out of a plane prepares you for flying United.
Let’s get to some news here. President Trump was at the G7 summit in Sicily today. When asked if he was nervous for the G7, he said, (TRUMP, SHRUG) “Ain’t nothin’ but a G-thang.”

And I saw that Hillary Clinton told graduates at Wellesley College that after losing the election she had time to organize her closets. Which is a coincidence, because Trump's been cleaning out his cabinet.

Hey, I wanna say congrats to LeBron James, who just became the NBA's all-time leading playoff scorer! LeBron said he couldn’t have done it without the help of his teammates. Then his teammates said, “But you JUST did.”

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: May 25 – June 2


Thursday, May 25: Guests include Jamie Foxx, Niall Horan and musical guest Niall Horan. Show 683



**Friday, May 26: Guests include Jordan Peele, Claire Foy and musical guest Iggy Azalea ft. Anitta. Show 684 



Monday, May 29: Guests include John Oliver, Patton Oswalt and musical guest James Arthur. OAD 4/25/17



Tuesday, May 30: Guests include Tina Fey, Alessandro Nivola and musical guest Dirty Projectors featuring D∆WN. OAD 5/10/17



Wednesday, May 31: Guests include Dr. Phil, Leslie Jones and musical guest Rick Ross featuring Young Thug and Wale. OAD

4/26/17



**Thursday, June 1: Guests include Kobe Bryant, Kathryn Hahn and musical guest Big Boi. OAD 4/24/17



**Friday, June 2: Guests include Salma Hayek, Mike Birbiglia and musical guests Clean Bandit and Zara Larsson. OAD 4/21/17



These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions



'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: May 24 – May 31

Wednesday, May 24: Guests include Orlando Bloom, Zoe Lister-Jones and Mike Vecchione. Show 682

Thursday, May 25: Guests include Jamie Foxx, Niall Horan and musical guest Niall Horan. Show 683

Friday, May 26:Guests include Jordan Peele, Claire Foy and musical guest Iggy Azalea. Show 684

Monday, May 29: Guests include John Oliver, Patton Oswalt and musical guest James Arthur. OAD 4/25/17

Tuesday, May 30: Guests include Tina Fey, Alessandro Nivola and musical guest Dirty Projectors featuring D∆WN. OAD 5/10/17

**Wednesday, May 31: Guests include Dr. Phil, Leslie Jones and musical guest Rick Ross featuring Young Thug and Wale. OAD 4/26/17
These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions


'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: May 23 – May 30



Tuesday, May 23: Guests include Gal Gadot, Barry Manilow and musical guest Barry Manilow. Show 681


Wednesday, May 24: Guests include Orlando Bloom, Zoe Lister-Jones and Mike Vecchione. Show 682

Thursday, May 25: Guests include Jamie Foxx, Niall Horan and musical guest Niall Horan. Show 683

Friday, May 26: Guests include Jordan Peele, Claire Foy and musical guest Iggy Azalea. Show 684

**Monday, May 29: Guests include John Oliver, Patton Oswalt and musical guest James Arthur. OAD 4/25/17

**Tuesday, May 30: Guests include Tina Fey, Alessandro Nivola and musical guest Dirty Projectors featuring D∆WN. OAD 5/10/17

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions




'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: May 22 – May 26
Monday, May 22: Guests include Chelsea Handler, Mo Rocca and musical guest Cheat Codes ft. Demi Lovato. Show 680

Tuesday, May 23: Guests include Gal Gadot, Barry Manilow and musical guest Barry Manilow. Show 681

Wednesday, May 24: Guests include Orlando Bloom, Zoe Lister-Jones and Mike Vecchione. Show 682

**Thursday, May 25: Guests include Jamie Foxx, Niall Horan and musical guest Niall Horan. Show 683

Friday, May 26: Guests include Jordan Peele, Claire Foy and musical guest Iggy Azalea. Show 684

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' May 15 – May 19
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.15.17
I saw that President Trump gave a commencement speech at Liberty University on Saturday - and he said quote, “always have the courage to be yourself," and "chase your dreams." Then he stopped talking cuz he ran out of fortune cookies. (TRUMP, LOOK AT FORTUNE) “A smile is the key into the hearts of others. Lucky numbers 5, 9, 34 and 33.”
I read somewhere that attendance at the ceremony was mandatory and booing wasn’t allowed. Which, incidentally, are also the rules when you have dinner with Trump.

And I guess there was one awkward moment during the speech when Trump said there are more job openings than ever - and the students said, “Yeah - cuz you keep firing everyone!”
Oh, this was pretty big. Yesterday, 39 year-old Emmanuel Macron became the youngest president in French history. You could tell he's young because after they swore him in, the first words in his speech were, "Soooooo…THAT just happened!"

Some news for travelers. American Airlines says it's getting rid of seat-back TV screens, because most people bring a device with them. While United’s doing the same thing on THEIR flights, cuz most people just watch the LIVE entertainment. “Cool! A scorpion fight!"
Hey, this is some sad news here. It just came out that "Bachelor" couple Ben and Lauren have broken up. Lauren said, "I'm ready to spend some time alone again," while Ben said, "I'm ready to date 25 women at once again."

This is kind of interesting. A new study finds that drinking tequila may actually be good for bone health. Until you try to walk around after drinking a bunch of tequila. (DRUNK, STUMBLE)

And finally, I saw that two people in Arkansas were arrested for stealing five thousand dollars’ worth of Little Debbie snack cakes. They were charged with theft - and I assume, possession of weed.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.16.17
It’s the big story out of the White House. The Washington Post is reporting that President Trump revealed classified information to Russian officials in the Oval Office last week, and there’s talk that Congress might investigate him for it. Trump says he has nothing to hide, and that he’ll fire whoever’s investigating him anyway.

That’s right, Trump revealed secret information about ISIS to the Russian foreign minister and ambassador. But Trump was like, (TRUMP) “Don’t worry, I traded the information for three magic beans.”

Even his fellow Republicans were not happy with the news. They said, "We're gonna give this guy 500 more chances, but that’s it! Then we’re gonna give him a stern talking to!”
Some more news out of Washington. It’s rumored that Fox News host Kimberly Guilfoyle could replace Sean Spicer as White House Press Secretary. Spicer’s friends were gonna take him out for drinks - but he said, “Actually, I’ve been drunk since January.”

I thought this was interesting. A new study found that more than half of American doctors are burnt out, exhausted, and losing their sense of purpose. So if your doctor seems burnt out, exhausted or losing their sense of purpose - ask if Zoloft might be right for THEM.
And this is pretty big. Hackers claim they have a copy of the new “Pirates of the Caribbean” movie, and they’re seeking a ransom from Disney. Disney was like, “Go ahead – we just release the same exact movie every time, and nobody’s noticed so far.”

Check this out. I read that the Cincinnati airport has therapy horses for stressed out travelers. Because if there’s one way to calm people down at the airport - it’s adding horses to the equation.

Speaking of flying, Delta announced that it will start using a facial recognition scanner to keep track of passengers’ bags. In a statement, Delta said, “That way, we’ll know EXACTLY whose bags we’re losing.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.17.17
The big scandal today is that President Trump may have obstructed justice when he told former FBI Director James Comey to stop investigating Michael Flynn. At least, that WAS the big scandal when I came out of that curtain - who knows what’s happened since I landed here.

Yep, the day after we found out Trump leaked info to the Russians, we found out he told Comey to stop the Flynn investigation. At this point, I feel like Trump has a phone reminder for every day at 4pm that says, “Create giant new scandal.”

Some say that what Trump told Comey could be considered obstruction of justice and could land Trump in some serious trouble. You can tell Trump’s worried because today he frantically signed an executive order to make all prisons super nice.

An op-ed in the New York Times argues that Trump should be declared unfit and removed from office via the 25th Amendment. When he heard that, Trump said, (TRUMP) "There are 25 amendments?? I thought there were ten! The Ten Amendments! Moses went to a gala at the White House and brought Ten Amendments!”

Get this. A reporter from Politico says that when she asked Republican Congressman Darrell Issa about the Flynn scandal, he gave her the middle finger and kept walking. Then Sean Spicer said, “Hang on, we’re allowed to do that to reporters?! I would have done that four months ago!”

But I saw that White House officials have been defending Trump by saying he doesn’t know enough about intelligence to be able to leak anything damaging. Then Trump said, (TRUMP) “Yeah! Wait, what?”

Listen to this. Emergency room doctors are reporting an increase in people who cut their hands slicing avocados, and they call the injury "avocado hand." Even Democrats are like, "Okay, SOME people don't deserve health insurance."

Hey, some TV news. ABC announced that it’s coming out with a show called "Dancing With the Stars Junior." While Fox is going the other way and running a show called "Are You Smarter Than the President."

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.18.17
Let’s get to some news here. There’s yet another scandal. That’s right, a recording just came out from a closed-door meeting where Republican Congressman Kevin McCarthy said he thinks Vladimir Putin actually pays Donald Trump. Trump said he never accepted any money from Putin — because he was paid entirely in KFC gift cards.

In the same recording, Paul Ryan could be heard telling his colleagues not to leak any information. Everyone agreed – except for the person who was making that recording.
Actually, Ryan’s exact quote was “What’s said in the family stays in the family.” Which sounds less like a Congressman from Wisconsin, and more like a Congressman from New Jersey. ("Keep it in the family, capisce?")

Meanwhile, Trump’s started tweeting again! Today, he criticized the Russia investigation, saying "This is the single greatest witch hunt of a politician in American history!" Then one guy was like, (OBAMA) "Do you still want to see my birth certificate?!"

That’s right, Trump called it a witch hunt. Then he sent out a tweet that said, (TRUMP) "I'll get you James Comey, and your little memo too."

This whole thing has just been a mess for the White House. I guess after it came out that Trump shared classified information with the Russians, one staffer texted their friend, "FML." While that friend texted back, "New scandal, who dis?"

Actually, the Washington Post reports that some White House staffers have already started looking for other jobs. A lot of them have posted their resumes on the job hunting site, “I Worked For A Monster.com”

Tomorrow, Trump will leave for Saudi Arabia, even though he publicly bashed the country while he was campaigning. The only way staffers got him to go was by telling him he'd get to meet Aladdin and Princess Jasmine.

And I heard that a Princess in Japan is giving up her royal status so she can marry a commoner. Which is something she’ll definitely bring up in every single fight she ever has with her husband. (“Your friends are coming over for dinner?! I GAVE UP BEING A PRINCESS FOR YOU!”)

A lot of people are excited about this, you guys. The new season of “The Bachelorette” kicks off on Monday! And ABC says it has the most diverse cast in franchise history. So finally, America gets to see the most embarrassing people from ALL ethnicities.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.19.17
There’s another bomb shell for the Trump administration. The Washington Post is reporting that a current White House official is a "person of interest" in the Russia investigation, but has only revealed that it is a senior adviser. Though a “Senior Advisor” in the White House could be anyone from Steve Bannon to Ted Nugent.

Well, it’s been a crazy week for President Trump, with all the scandals that have come out. And today, he left for his big trip to Saudi Arabia. You know things are bad HERE when you go to the MIDDLE EAST to "get away from it all."

That’s right, Trump flew to Saudi Arabia for his first trip overseas. When asked, “Why Saudi Arabia?” advisors said, “We just wanted to see him on a camel.”

The flight to Saudi Arabia is actually 14 hours. But Trump was ready for the long flight. Before settling into his seat, he formed his hair into a neck pillow.

On Sunday, Trump will have lunch with the leaders of over 50 Muslim countries. And the first hour will just be Trump trying to pronounce their names. (TRUMP) “King Salami Al-Scooby-Doo”

I saw that a vintage Rolex watch just sold at auction for a record five million dollars. And when someone asked the winner what time it was, he STILL took his cell phone out to look.
I read about an app that ranks gas station bathrooms by cleanliness. Right, because if you’re desperate enough to use a gas station bathroom - you’re gonna spend time searching for the right one.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: May 19 – May 26

Friday, May 19: Guests include Katy Perry, Josh Charles and Al Madrigal. Show 679
Monday, May 22: Guests include Chelsea Handler, Mo Rocca and musical guest Cheat Codes ft. Demi Lovato. Show 680

**Tuesday, May 23: Guests include Gal Gadot, Barry Manilow and musical guest Barry Manilow. Show 681

Wednesday, May 24: Guests include Orlando Bloom, Zoe Lister-Jones and Mike Vecchione. Show 682

Thursday, May 25: Guests include Jamie Foxx, Sir Ben Kingsley and musical guest Niall Horan. Show 683

**Friday, May 26: Guests include Jordan Peele, Claire Foy and musical guest Iggy Azalea. Show 684

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: May 18 – May 25

Thursday, May 18: Guests include Dwayne Johnson, Ellie Kemper and musical guest Charlie Puth. Show 678

Friday, May 19: Guests include Katy Perry, Josh Charles and Al Madrigal. Show 679

Monday, May 22: Guests include Chelsea Handler, Mo Rocca and musical guest Cheat Codes ft. Demi Lovato. Show 680

Tuesday, May 23: Guest include Javier Bardem, Gal Gadot, Barry Manilow and musical guest Barry Manilow. Show 681

**Wednesday, May 24: Guest include Orlando Bloom, Zoe Lister-Jones and Mike Vecchione. Show 682

**Thursday, May 25: Guest include Jamie Foxx, Sir Ben Kingsley and musical guest Niall Horan. Show 683

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: May 16 – May 23

Tuesday, May 16: Guests include Matthew Perry, Jon Glaser and musical guest Fall Out Boy. Show 676

Wednesday, May 17: Guests include Kerry Washington, Tim Tebow and musical guest David Crosby. Brendon Urie sits in with The Roots. Show 677

Thursday, May 18: Guests include Dwayne Johnson, Ellie Kemper and musical guest Charlie Puth. Show 678

Friday, May 19: Guests include Katy Perry, Josh Charles and Al Madrigal. Show 679
**Monday, May 22: Guests include Chelsea Handler, Mo Rocca and musical guest Cheat Codes ft. Demi Lovato. Show 680

**Tuesday, May 23: Guest include Javier Bardem, Gal Gadot, Barry Manilow and musical guest Barry Manilow.

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' May 8 – May 12


Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.8.17
Some big news from overseas. Yesterday, France elected 39-year old Emmanuel Macron to be its new president. Trump said he’s worried that, at 39, the president may be a little immature – then went back to tweeting insults at CNN.

Macron actually won despite having his campaign hacked. Or as one guy put it, (PUTIN) “Eh - you help win some, you help lose some.”

But we’re learning more and more about the French president as the week goes on. I saw that his wife was actually his teacher in high school. So I guess Trump’s not the ONLY president who’s screwing the teachers.

Some more political news. Republican Congressman Raul Labrador is under fire for saying that "nobody dies because they don't have access to health care." Then Trump was like, (TRUMP) “No way – a talking Labrador?? I gotta meet this dog! This is unbelievable!” (Maybe him and a little boy switched lives somehow. Maybe they were swimming in the pool, and somebody dropped a car battery in the pool. Now, the dog is going to school, and the boy is sleeping in the backyard.)

Listen to this. A man who runs a pizzeria in California made a gluten-free pizza entirely out of cheese. Or, and hear me out, he just made cheese.

And finally, I read that Facebook is shutting down its virtual reality film studio. People were like, “If I wanted to see my Facebook friends in 3D, I’d actually hang out with them.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.9.17
Of course, it’s these Senate hearings on Russia. And I saw that yesterday, President Trump tweeted that the investigation into ties between his campaign and Russia is a "taxpayer funded charade." And he said he’d be even angrier about it if he were a taxpayer.
And this is interesting. It’s rumored that Trump regrets picking H.R. McMaster as his National Security Adviser. He said, (TRUMP) "I'll be honest - when they asked if I wanted a McMaster, I thought it was a hamburger.”

And this is nice. I saw that Trump's daughter Tiffany will attend Georgetown Law School this fall. The president was so excited, today he said, (TRUMP) "Congratulations To My Non-Ivanka Daughter!”

Just in time for Mother’s Day, I saw that Dove is selling body wash in six different bottles, to represent the different shapes of women's bodies. Yep, it’s being called the perfect gift if you want to offend your mom.

Good luck to the husband whose wife sends him out to buy her body wash. (WIFE ON PHONE) “Honey, you’ve been at CVS for over an hour, is everything ok?” (HUSBAND ON PHONE) “Yeah, just trying to make a decision that won’t ruin the rest of my life.”
This is kind of weird. A statue of Ronald McDonald that had gone missing from a New Jersey McDonalds was just found unharmed. When asked why they returned it, the thieves said, "Turns out having a Ronald McDonald statue just sitting in your house is a lot creepier than we thought."

Hey, listen to this. A new study finds that smarter people are more likely to lounge around the house naked. Then Melania said, “Thank God Donald’s an idiot!”

Hey, I saw that today is National Teacher Day! Unless you’re home-schooled. Then it’s Mother’s Day: Part 1.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.10.17
Yesterday, Donald Trump fired the Director of the FBI James Comey - the guy who’s been in the news every day since the election, he fired him - and I guess Comey heard about it right before a recruitment event he was gonna speak at. Then he was like, "Hey while I'm recruiting - anyone wanna be Director?" (It just came up. I just got the email.)

They’re also saying when he got the news, Comey thought it was a prank and started laughing. But to be fair, that's also how Trump reacted when he won the election. (TRUMP) "That’s very good - where's Ashton Kutcher? I love that guy!"

Alright, let’s put this in perspective - the people Trump HAS fired: the head of the FBI. People he HASN’T fired: Bret Michaels, the winner of “Celebrity Apprentice.”

Of course, it drew immediate reactions from other politicians. When she heard Comey was fired, Hillary called him and said, (SUPER SARCASTIC) "Aw, did someone take away a job that was rightfully yours? Ah, too bad!”

And I saw that Melania Trump will join Donald on his first trip overseas as president. Melania said she’s a little nervous for the trip because it’s always hard traveling with a baby.
Some TV news here. I heard that ABC wants Kelly Clarkson to be a judge on the upcoming season of American Idol. Because what "American Idol" winner DOESN'T dream of winding up back on "American Idol."

I read about a coffee shop in Toronto that doesn’t have any WiFi to encourage customers to talk to each other. Although all the customers talk about now is how they should really get WiFi in this coffee shop.

Oh, this is pretty cool. An 88 year-old man from Georgia just graduated from college. He called it the best four years of his life, while his roommate said, “College was a little weird for me. My roommate was 88 years old...”

And finally, here’s a local story. Police are looking for a man who stole five thousand dollars worth of wigs from a home in Brooklyn. They described the man as blonde…or brunette…or red-headed...Could be anything at this point.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.11.17
Of course, the big story is still Trump firing FBI Director James Comey. And it turns out Comey had six years left on his ten-year term. That story again – it's easier to get out of your FBI contract than it is your AT&T contract.

And in the middle of all this, Trump met with the Russian Foreign Minister yesterday - and the White House says Russia tricked them by posting photos of the meeting. They got suspicious when the photographer told Trump, (RUSSIAN, TAKING PHOTO) “Okay, now do silly one where you hold up nuclear codes.”

Some TV news. I saw that the next season of the TV show “Scandal” will be its last. Yeah, ABC is ending “Scandal.” Fortunately, the White House picked it up for four more seasons.
You guys, Mother’s Day is this weekend! I saw that a strip club in Las Vegas is offering a dinner special. When asked what they do for Father’s Day, the strippers said, “What are fathers?”

And finally, I read that Blue Cross is partnering with Lyft to give people rides to the doctor. It costs 600 dollars, the drivers are specially trained, aaand it’s just an ambulance.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.12.17
Hey, this Sunday is Mother’s Day you guys! Happy Mother's Day, to all the moms out there! And get this - I saw that Hooters will be giving moms free entrées. But before you take your Mom to Hooters on Mother’s Day, make sure you have a good playlist for the long, silent car ride home.

Actually, I read that Mother’s Day is the most popular holiday to go out to eat. Yep, millions of moms, taking 20 minutes to decide what to order - then getting the weirdest thing on the menu. “We’re at a diner, why did you order the whole lobster?” (MOM) “I felt like lobster!”
And they’re saying that the average person was expected to spend 186 dollars for Mother’s Day. Which I guess means that the average person gave their mom five Edible Arrangements.

But this is pretty crazy. A mom in California just gave birth to a 13 and a half pound baby boy. The nurse was like, "Congratulations!" and the baby said (DEEP) "Thank you." (DEEP, SINGING) “MM bop, OO wop...”

Well, here’s the latest out of Washington, you guys. Today, President Trump actually threatened to stop holding White House press briefings. The press said that's outrageous, while Sean Spicer said, "Let's hear him out!" (Hold on, he might have a point…)

Speaking of Sean Spicer. Today, he was asked whether Trump is taping conversations in the White House - and he declined to comment. When asked why, he said, (WHISPER) “Cuz he might be taping us.”

Yeah, rumors are swirling that conversations in the White House are being secretly recorded. But officials said the only recording device in the Oval Office is the nanny-cam they use to keep an eye on Trump. (LOOK AT CAMERA) “Is he sleeping yet?” “Not yet...still moving around...” “Oh, he’s tweeting – somebody get in there!”

Oh, and this made me laugh. I read that after meals at the White House, Trump gets two scoops of ice cream, while everyone else only gets one. When asked why he likes having two scoops, Trump said, (TRUMP) "Next to each other, they look like boobs."

Oh, some more trouble for United Airlines, you guys. I guess one of their flights was evacuated last night after a customer saw a scorpion crawl out of a passenger's sleeve. But when the scorpion saw it was a United flight, he crawled right back up. "Not takin' any chances!”

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: May 12 – May 19


Friday, May 12: Guests include Derek Jeter, Katherine Langford and musical guest Father John Misty. Show 674



Monday, May 15: Guests include Michael Fassbender, Jeffrey Tambor and musical guest Weezer. Todd Rundgren sits in with The Roots. Show 675



Tuesday, May 16: Guests include Matthew Perry, Jon Glaser and musical guest Fall Out Boy. Show 676



Wednesday, May 17: Guests include Kerry Washington, Tim Tebow and musical guest David Crosby. Brendon Urie sits in with The Roots. Show 677



Thursday, May 18: Guests include Dwayne Johnson, Ellie Kemper and musical guest Charlie Puth. Show 678



**Friday, May 19: Guests include Katy Perry, Josh Charles and Al Madrigal. Show 679



These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: May 11 – May 18



Thursday, May 11: Guests include Michelle Pfeiffer, Kyle MacLachlan and Mark Normand. Show 673

Friday, May 12: Guests include Derek Jeter, Katherine Langford and musical guest Father John Misty. Show 674

Monday, May 15: Guests include Michael Fassbender, Jeffrey Tambor and musical guest Weezer. Todd Rundgren sits in with The Roots. Show 675

Tuesday, May 16: Guests include Matthew Perry, Jon Glaser and musical guest Fall Out Boy. Show 676

Wednesday, May 17: Guests include Kerry Washington, Tim Tebow and musical guest David Crosby. Brendon Urie sits in with The Roots. Show 677

**Thursday, May 18: Guests include Dwayne Johnson, Ellie Kemper and musical guest Charlie Puth. Show 678

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions


THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: May 10 – May 17

Wednesday, May 10: Guests include Tina Fey, Alessandro Nivola and musical guest Dirty Projectors ft. D∆WN. Show 672

Thursday, May 11: Guests include Michelle Pfeiffer, Kyle MacLachlan and Mark Normand. Show 673

Friday, May 12: Guests include Derek Jeter, Katherine Langford and musical guest Father John Misty. Show 674

Monday, May 15: Guests include Michael Fassbender, Jeffrey Tambor and musical guest Weezer. Todd Rundgren sits in with The Roots. Show 675

Tuesday, May 16: Guests include Matthew Perry, Jon Glaser and musical guest Fall Out Boy. Show 676

**Wednesday, May 17: Guests include Kerry Washington, Tim Tebow and musical guest David Crosby. Brendon Urie sits in with The Roots. Show 677

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: May 9 – May 16


Tuesday, May 9: Guests include Aziz Ansari, Katherine Waterston and musical guest Blondie. Show 671

Wednesday, May 10: Guests include Tina Fey, Alessandro Nivola and musical guest Dirty Projectors ft. D∆WN. Show 672

Thursday, May 11: Guests include Michelle Pfeiffer, Kyle MacLachlan and Mark Normand. Show 673

Friday, May 12: Guests include Derek Jeter, Katherine Langford and musical guest Father John Misty. Show 674

Monday, May 15: Guests include Michael Fassbender, Jeffrey Tambor and musical guest Weezer. Todd Rundgren sits in with The Roots. Show 675

**Tuesday, May 16: Guests include Matthew Perry, Jon Glaser and musical guest Fall Out Boy. Show 676

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: May 8 – May 15
Monday, May 8: Guests include Kevin Bacon, David Feherty and musical guest Chris Stapleton. Show 670

Tuesday, May 9: Guests include Aziz Ansari, Katherine Waterston and musical guest Blondie. Show 671

Wednesday, May 10: Guests include Tina Fey, Alessandro Nivola and musical guest Dirty Projectors ft. D∆WN. Show 672

Thursday, May 11: Guests include Michelle Pfeiffer, Kyle MacLachlan and Mark Normand. Show 673

Friday, May 12: Guests include Derek Jeter, Katherine Langford and musical guest Father John Misty. Show 674

**Monday, May 15: Guests include Michael Fassbender, Jeffrey Tambor and musical guest Weezer. Todd Rundgren sits in with The Roots. Show 675

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' May 1 – May 5
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.1.17
I saw that President Trump just gave an interview where he wondered why the Civil War ever happened. Then Education Secretary Betsy DeVos said, (BETSY) “That’s easy - Captain America and Iron Man got in a big fight!”

Not only that. Trump also said that Andrew Jackson was really angry about the Civil War, but Jackson actually died 16 years before it started. Trump said he’ll apologize to Jackson when they play golf together next weekend.

Actually, I saw that Trump defended all the trips he’s made to his golf courses, saying he only goes there to hold meetings. Even guys who go to Hooters “for the wings” were like, “Yeah right.”

But Trump’s keeping busy. In fact, I read that he invited the leader of Thailand to visit the White House. But Trump thinks “Thailand” is just a clothing chain that sells really long ties. (TRUMP) “Do you have anything red that goes down to my toes?” Actually, I think that Trump ties his tie normal. He looks in the mirror then goes, (TRUMP) “It looks great.” And then he goes, “Now let’s go to work.” (HUNCH DOWN, WALK AWAY)

But we’re learning more about how Trump’s been holding up in the White House. In fact, a senior official says when you go in to meet with Trump you don't need to make a PowerPoint or bring a bunch of paperwork. Then he said, "But a sock puppet can't hurt."
Oh, this isn’t good. I read that a hacker leaked the first ten episodes of “Orange is the New Black.” Americans were like, “Okay, you can mess with our elections, but now you’ve gone too far!”

And finally, everyone’s talking about this Fyre Music Festival in the Bahamas. It was a big disaster - the bands didn’t show up, nothing was ready - and now the organizers are being sued for 100 million dollars. When asked how they’re gonna raise the money, they said, (DUMB) “How about a music festival?”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.2.17
This is pretty big. I saw that today President Trump had a phone call with Vladimir Putin. Actually, they're just continuing the phone call they were having last night, since neither of them would hang up first.

That’s right, Putin talking to Trump. Even Obama was like, (OBAMA) “Now THIS call I’m gonna wiretap!” (Get the popcorn out!)

But that’s not the only world leader Trump wants to talk to. Yesterday, he said that he would be honored to meet with Kim Jong Un. When asked why, Trump said, (TRUMP) “Because I’ve heard her music, and she sounds beautiful.”

This kind of surprised me, but White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer gave a new interview where he said that he loves his job and is humbled to have it. Then Spicer blinked his eyes in Morse code to spell out “Help Me.” (FAKE SMILE, BLINKING) “I’m so happy to be here...”

Hey, I saw that this year’s Tony nominees were announced, and “Groundhog Day” was nominated for Best Musical! This year’s Tony nominees were announced, and “Groundhog Day” was nominated for Best Musical! This year’s Tony nominees were announced, and “Groundhog Day” was nominated for Best Musical!

Some health news here. A new study finds that high-salt diets actually make people less thirsty over time. The way it works is – you die.

And another study finds that American toddlers are more likely to eat French fries than green vegetables. Yep, the study is published in a collection called, “How Is This a Study?!” Really? “I spent four years on it, man.”

And finally, new research finds that people who are bullies are more likely to get plastic surgery. Unfortunately, the nerds they bullied are more likely to be plastic surgeons. (NERD, OPERATING) “Well, well, well - look who we have here!?”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.3.17
A bit of a scandal here. I saw that last night, Melania Trump's Twitter account liked a tweet suggesting she doesn't like her husband. But Melania claims she didn’t mean to like it – she meant to RETWEET it.

Apparently, the tweet said the only wall Trump has built is the one between him and Melania. Trump was like (TRUMP) “At this point, I’ll take credit for ANY wall getting built.”
Of course yesterday, Trump had a big phone call with Vladimir Putin, where they agreed to work together on handling Kim Jong-Un. You know a leader’s unstable when Trump and Putin are like, “We gotta keep an eye on that guy!” (He’s trouble!)

I mean, seriously - Trump and Putin “fixing” North Korea? That's like Chris Christie and Newt Gingrich “guarding” a wedding cake.

And this was pretty big. Today, FBI director James Comey testified before Congress, and he referred to WikiLeaks as "intelligence porn." Mike Pence was like, "You had me at 'intelligence' and lost me at 'porn'" - while Trump was like, (TRUMP) "You lost me at 'intelligence' and won me back at ‘porn.'”

And Ivanka Trump has a new book out where she says that she was so busy during the campaign, she didn't even have time for a massage. Then people in Syria said, "Never mind us - we should be helping YOU!!" (I mean, no massage at all??)

And finally, this is pretty amazing. I saw that Amazon's Alexa can now whisper, change the pitch of its voice and spell words correctly. So if you’re keeping score – that’s Alexa: 3, The President of the United States: 0.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.4.17
Some big news out of Washington. Today, the House voted to pass the Republican healthcare bill before taking an 11-day recess. They say they'll use the break to kick back, relax and finally read the bill they just voted for.

Get this. I saw that two Democrats accidentally voted "yes" on the bill before switching their votes to a "no." When asked if they were embarrassed, they said, “No” (FAST) “Yes.”
I saw that Democrats are calling for the new Republican healthcare bill to be called "Trumpcare." Experts say that's the first time the words "Trump" and "Care" have ever been said together.

Actually, Reince Priebus said that Trump helped pass the bill by “punting the ball into the end zone.” When told that analogy didn’t make sense, he said, “I meant that he hit a grand slam into the net and slapped the puck right into the hoop!”

Of course, the other big story is that Trump was visiting New York City today. Yeah, roads were closed, traffic was a mess, everyone was in a bad mood - then it got worse when Trump showed up.

But the president’s been keeping busy. Yesterday, he welcomed Palestinian leader Mahmoud Abbas to the White House. All day, Trump practiced how to say his name by singing, (TRUMP) "The wheels on Abbas go round and round."

Today, Trump tweeted that the media is "out of control" saying, "they will do or say anything to get attention." Then he honked the horn of an 18-wheeler, posed for a picture with Kid Rock and accused Obama of spying on him from his microwave.

Hey guys, tomorrow is Cinco de Mayo! Raise your hand if you’ve been pre-gaming since St. Patrick’s Day.

But did you see this? President Trump canceled his White House Cinco de Mayo celebration. I guess he made the decision after Mexico said they wouldn't pay for it.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.5.17
Guys, tomorrow is the Kentucky Derby! And get this. I saw that one of the horses is named "Practical Joke." Yep, his owners said he was named after the Republican health care plan.
Let’s get to some news here. I saw that this week, the Obamas unveiled the plans for their new library - the Obama Presidential Center. It’s located right across the street from the Joe Biden Go-Kart and Mini-Golf Adventure!

On Sunday, France will hold its final vote for president. But the conservative candidate, Marine Le Pen has been accused of plagiarizing phrases from a rival’s speech at a rally. I listened to both speeches, and they sounded exactly the same – but that’s probably because I don’t speak French.

And finally, this is pretty amazing. A man in Pakistan set a new world record by smashing 35 coconuts with his head. When asked how he did it, he said, "Did what?"

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: April 20 – April 27


Thursday, April 20: Guests include Bob Odenkirk, Lucy Hale, Robert Irwin and musical guest Brad Paisley. Show 658

**Friday, April 21: Guests include Salma Hayek, Mike Birbiglia and musical guests Clean Bandit and Zara Larsson. Show 659

Monday, April 24: Guests include Kobe Bryant, Kathryn Hahn and musical guest Big Boi. Show 660

Tuesday, April 25: Guests include John Oliver, Patton Oswalt and musical guest James Arthur. Show 661

Wednesday, April 26: Guests include Dr. Phil, Leslie Jones and musical guest Rick Ross ft. Young Thug and Wale. Show 662

**Thursday, April 27: Guests include Emma Watson, W. Kamau Bell, “Little Big Shots” Pizza Tossing Brothers and The Lucas Brothers. Show 663

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: April 19 – April 26

Wednesday, April 19: Guests include Sienna Miller, Anthony Bourdain and musical guest Chris Cornell. Show 657

Thursday, April 20: Guests include Bob Odenkirk, Lucy Hale, Robert Irwin and musical guest Brad Paisley. Dweezil Zappa sits in with The Roots. Show 658

Friday, April 21: Guests include Salma Hayek, Mike Birbiglia and musical guest Barry Manilow. Show 659

Monday, April 24: Guests include Kobe Bryant, Kathryn Hahn and musical guest Big Boi. Show 660

Tuesday, April 25: Guests include John Oliver, Patton Oswalt and musical guest James Arthur. Show 661

**Wednesday, April 26: Guests include Dr. Phil, Leslie Jones and musical guest Rick Ross ft. Young Thug and Wale. Show 662

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: April 18 – April 25

Tuesday, April 18: Guests include Kevin Spacey, Senator Elizabeth Warren and musical guest Alt-J. Show 656

Wednesday, April 19: Guests include Sienna Miller, Anthony Bourdain and musical guest Chris Cornell. Show 657

Thursday, April 20: Guests include Bob Odenkirk, Lucy Hale, Robert Irwin and musical guest Brad Paisley. Dweezil Zappa sits in with The Roots. Show 658

Friday, April 21: Guests include Salma Hayek, W. Kamau Bell and musical guest Barry Manilow. Show 659

Monday, April 24: Guests include Kobe Bryant, Kathryn Hahn and musical guest Big Boi. Show 660

**Tuesday, April 25: Guests include John Oliver, Patton Oswalt and musical guest James Arthur. Show 661

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: April 17 – April 24

Monday, April 17: Guests include Anne Hathaway, Tony Hale and musical guest Ed Sheeran. Show 655

Tuesday, April 18: Guests include Kevin Spacey, Senator Elizabeth Warren and musical guest Alt-J. Show 656

Wednesday, April 19: Guests include Sienna Miller, Anthony Bourdain and musical guest Chris Cornell. Show 657

Thursday, April 20: Guests include Bob Odenkirk, Lucy Hale, Robert Irwin and musical guest Brad Paisley. Dweezil Zappa sits in with The Roots. Show 658

**Friday, April 21: Guests include Salma Hayek, W. Kamau Bell and musical guest Barry Manilow. Show 659

**Monday, April 24: Guests include Kobe Bryant, Kathryn Hahn and musical guest Big Boi. Show 660

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: APRIL 13 – APRIL 20

Thursday, April 13: Guests include Aaron Paul, Keri Russell and musical guest 2 Chainz featuring Gucci Mane. OAD 2/27/17

**Friday, April 14: Guests include Morgan Freeman, Norman Reedus and Joe Zimmerman. OAD 3/24/17

**Monday, April 17: Guests include Anne Hathaway, Tony Hale and musical guest Ed Sheeran. Show 655

**Tuesday, April 18: Guests include Kevin Spacey, Senator Elizabeth Warren and musical guest Alt-J. Show 656

**Wednesday, April 19: Guests include Sienna Miller, Anthony Bourdain and musical guest Chris Cornell. Show 657

**Thursday, April 20: Guests include Bob Odenkirk, Lucy Hale, Robert Irwin and musical guest Brad Paisley. Dweezil Zappa sits-in with The Roots. Show 658

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' April 3 – April 6

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.3.17
You guys, we are so excited to be here at Universal Orlando for the opening of our new Tonight Show ride, “Race Through New York!” That’s right, we came all the way to Florida to go on a ride that makes us feel like we’re back in New York.

But not everyone’s so excited. When he heard I was getting my own ride, E.T. told me, (E.T.) “Stay in your lane, girl.”

I can’t get over how fun this has been. Flying to Florida and working one hour a day. Now I know how it feels to be president!

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.4.17
Let’s get to some news here. I heard that the White House is saving all of President Trump's tweets, so they can be stored in the National Archives. That way future generations can read Kennedy’s journals, Lincoln’s diaries and Trump’s insults about Arnold Schwarzenegger. (All very historic.)

Check this out. Oreos just launched a new limited edition flavor called “Cookies & Creme." Or as it's also known – Oreos. That’s all it is! Cookies and creme. What’s wrong with this world!?

And finally, I saw that Dictionary.com just added 300 new words, including "man bun" and "sext." As in, "If you have a man bun you will never receive a sext."

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.5.17
Let’s get to some news here. I read that President Trump’s approval rating dropped and is now at just 35 percent. Or as Trump calls it, (TRUMP) “20 under par.” (I’m doing FANTASTIC!)

I read that Trump’s photographer always brings a stool to events, and photographs Trump from above so he looks taller. While Trump has him shoot his approval ratings from BELOW, so they look HIGHER.

And everybody’s talking about this. Pepsi is facing criticism for a controversial new ad that shows a bunch of people protesting, and then Kendall Jenner steps in and solves everyone’s problems by handing a police officer a Pepsi. And even in the commercial, the cop’s like, “Are you all out of Coke, orrr...?” (Okay, fine - I’ll settle.)

A lot of interesting stuff in the news today. Apparently Barry Manilow announced today that he is gay. Also scientific research found that the sky is blue. Annnnd sugar is sweet. Lots of interesting stuff happening today in the news.

And finally, some news from overseas. I saw that today, North Korea conducted a missile test, which escalated tensions in the region. But don’t worry – things settled down when Kendall Jenner stepped in and handed them a Pepsi.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.6.17
JIMMY FALLON
What a show we’ve got for you guys – Jay Leno is here tonight! We love Jay. He’s the only guy at Universal who gets excited when the Transformers turn BACK into cars.
We’ve had a lot of fun here this week, but this is actually our last show in Orlando. It's gonna be hard to say goodbye to Florida -- I mean, I don't know how Trump does this every Sunday.

Hey guys, this is pretty cool. The director of “Jurassic World 2” says the film will feature the T-Rex from the original movie. The T-Rex was like, (SMOKER) "Hey, after three divorces, I need something to pay the bills."

Some TV news here. Wheel of Fortune’s Vanna White gave an interview recently, where she said she doesn’t want to retire. Mainly cuz all you do when you’re retired is...watch “Wheel of Fortune.”

JAY LENO
Willie Nelson announced he's writing his memoirs, and Willie says in his memoirs he will explain how marijuana has affected his life. Here's how it affected his life. He started writing his memoir in 1946.

And according to the National Inquirer Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are headed for divorce. See, I don't believe it; I don't think he would ever leave her behind.
And quarterback Colin Kaepernick has done a complete 180! He now says he will stand for the national anthem. Of course he’s now sitting for the games.

And Caitlyn Jenner told Diane Sawyer she is writing her autobiography. See, I think it's going to be one of those he said she said kind of things.

Dwayne the rock Johnson was on the show last night. He was named People magazine’s sexist man alive. Bernie Sanders screwed again.

And when are the Democrats going to get some new blood? Do you realize 76-year-old Nancy Pelosi is now the tightly stretched face of the Democratic party!

And speaking of Democrats here's some gossip you might not know. After Anthony Weiner's last scandal, he actually called Bill Clinton to apologize. See that's when you know your life is going off the rails. When your sexual behavior offends Bill Clinton.

And speaking of the Clintons, last Saturday Bill asked Hillary to renew their wedding vows. It's something he does every April Fools' Day.

As I'm sure you know by now Donald Trump says he is skipping the White House Correspondents’ Dinner, and of course New Jersey Governor Chris Christie is furious! Christie, as you know, has never skipped a dinner in his life.

Trump said he won't throw out the first pitch, he’s skipping the Correspondents Dinner -- is he that thin-skinned? You know, if this guy was any more of a pussy, he could grab himself.
And where are all these jobs that Trump promised? Sears just announced they are closing 42 stores. You know what that means? Lost jobs for 42 sales clerks.

The economy is so bad, the only people jumping The White House fence are contractors trying to get Trump to pay his bills.

The economy is so bad Kellogg had to sell Tony the tiger to a Chinese zoo.

The economy is so bad, at Mattel, Barbie is now living in her dream car.

The economy is so bad a family in Africa has adopted Madonna.

Economy is so bad Kathy Lee and Hoda have taken side jobs as bartenders just for the free drinks.

The economy is so bad I saw Matthew McConaughey talking to himself in a Kia!

JIMMY FALLON
The economy is so bad, Kendall Jenner just did a commercial for RC Cola.

The economy is so bad, the CEO of Netflix is using his neighbor’s password.

It’s so bad, Crate & Barrel is actually selling crates and barrels.

It’s so bad, the Weeknd had to change his name to the Workweek.

The economy is so bad, even Sean Spicer is admitting it’s bad.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: April 6 – April 13

Thursday, April 6: Guests include Jay Leno, Kate Upton and musical guest Jason Derulo featuring Ty Dolla $ign. Show 654

Friday, April 7: Guests include Jennifer Lopez, Jeff Probst and musical guest Depeche Mode. OAD 3/3/17

**Monday, April 10: Guests include Adam Levine, Josh Gad and musical guest Maroon 5. OAD 3/14/17

**Tuesday, April 11: Guests include Kiefer Sutherland, Priyanka Chopra and musical guest Rebel and a Basketcase with Evan Rachel Wood. OAD 3/13/17

**Wednesday, April 12: Guests include Anthony Anderson, Rhett & Link and musical guest Migos. OAD 3/23/17

**Thursday, April 13: Guests include Aaron Paul, Keri Russell and musical guest 2 Chainz featuring Gucci Mane. OAD 2/27/17

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: April 4 – April 7

Tuesday, April 4: Guests include Blake Shelton, Scott Eastwood and musical guest Blake Shelton. Show 652

Wednesday, April 5: Guests include Dwayne Johnson, Nicole Richie and musical guest Flo Rida featuring 99 Percent. Show 653

Thursday, April 6: Guests include Jay Leno, Kate Upton and musical guest Jason Derulo featuring Ty Dolla $ign. Show 654

Friday, April 7: Guests include Jennifer Lopez, Jeff Probst and musical guest Depeche Mode. OAD 3/3/17

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' March 27 – March 30

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.27.17
Well there’s another scandal for the White House. It came out today that Trump's son-in-law and top adviser, Jared Kushner, will be questioned about his meetings with Russian officials. And if they find out he did anything illegal, he'll be sentenced to...still being Trump's son-in-law.

And this was kind of scary. A woman was arrested yesterday morning for trying to scale a White House fence for the second time in a week. The Secret Service said, “We wish you were living here too, Mrs. Clinton, but you can’t keep doing this.”

And this is pretty big. It was announced that Canada plans to legalize marijuana by July of next year. It's exciting for Americans, cuz now they can add weed to the list of drugs they buy in Canada.

Some entertainment news. The top two movies at the box office this weekend were “Beauty and the Beast” and “Power Rangers.” Then people waking up from a 25-year-coma said, “Huh – guess I wasn’t out for too long.” This happened already!(STILL “Beauty and the Beast” and “Power Rangers”…)

And finally, a big sports story. It was just announced that the Oakland Raiders will be moving to Las Vegas. People in Oakland said it’ll be rough not having pro football - then people in Cleveland said, “Ah, you get used to it.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.28.17
Well, it’s been a rough few days for President Trump. And this week, it came out that his job approval rating is at just 36 percent. Trump was confused - he said, (TRUMP) "How can they disapprove of a job I'm not even doing??" (Fake polls!)

Yeah, Trump's approval rating is at just 36 percent, which is lower than Obama’s ever was. And the only time Obama came CLOSE to that was when he had that meeting with Trump.
Actually, Trump's approval rating is worse than Obama’s lowest, AND worse than Bill Clinton’s lowest. After hearing this, Trump promised to hunt down bin Laden and sleep with an intern.

And this isn’t good. It came out that Trump's son-in-law Jared Kushner had an undisclosed meeting with a Russian bank that was under sanctions by Obama. When he heard his son-in-law was having meetings with shady Russians, Trump said, (TRUMP, CHOKING UP) “You can start calling me dad!”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.29.17
Hillary Clinton is back in the news. She gave a big speech in San Francisco last night, and encouraged her supporters to quote, "resist, insist, persist, and enlist." Then she pointed to HERSELF and said, (POINT TO SELF) "Still pissed."

Listen to this. In a new interview, Trump’s son-in-law and top advisor, Jared Kushner said the government should be run like a company, where the citizens are the customers. Then people said, “In that case, we have a president we’d like to exchange.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.30.17
Well, baseball’s gonna be starting up soon, you guys! But listen to this. The White House says President Trump will not throw out the first pitch at Washington Nationals' opener. Apparently, Trump was afraid of hurting his tweeting arm.

Actually, they said Trump had to cancel because of a scheduling conflict. When asked if they could change the date of the game, the Nationals said, "We already did, so he wouldn't come."

But this is nice. I saw that this week, Ivanka Trump and Education Secretary Betsy DeVos visited the National Air and Space Museum. Ivanka spoke to employees, while Betsy played with the snow globes in the gift shop. (DEVOS, SHAKE GLOBE) "Is this real snow??”

And this is really made me laugh. I read that contestants on a reality show in Scotland spent a year in the woods - then came out to learn the show was canceled back in August. And I know how they feel, my parents did that to me with a game of hide and seek. (Worst 30th birthday EVER!)

If you’re a pet owner, you should listen to this. A new study finds that cats love their owners more than they love food. You know – cuz they figure if worst comes to worst, they can just eat their owners.

And finally, you guys - this Saturday is April Fool's Day! Or as it's now known, "President's Day.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: April 3 – April 7

Monday, April 3: Guests include Vin Diesel, Shaquille O’Neal and musical guest Pitbull featuring Stephen Marley. Show 651

Tuesday, April 4: Guests include Blake Shelton, Scott Eastwood and musical guest Blake Shelton. Show 652

Wednesday, April 5: Guests include Dwayne Johnson, Nicole Richie and musical guest Flo Rida featuring 99 Percent. Show 653

Thursday, April 6: Guests include Jay Leno, Kate Upton and musical guest Jason Derulo featuring Ty Dolla $ign. Show 654

**Friday, April 7: Guests include Jennifer Lopez, Jeff Probst and musical guest Depeche Mode. OAD 3/3/17

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: MARCH 29 – April 6

Wednesday, March 29: Guests include Katie Holmes, Andrew Rannells and musical guest Zac Brown Band. Show 649

Thursday, March 30: Guests include Louis C.K., Regina King and musical guest Tinashe. Show 650

Friday, March 31: Guests include Samuel L. Jackson, Dakota Fanning and musical guest Ed Sheeran. OAD 3/3/17

**Monday, April 3: Guests include Vin Diesel, Shaquille O’Neal and musical guest Pitbull featuring Stephen Marley. Show 651

**Tuesday, April 4: Guests include Blake Shelton, Scott Eastwood and musical guest Blake Shelton. Show 652

**Wednesday, April 5: Guests include Dwayne Johnson, Nicole Richie and musical guest Flo Rida featuring 99 Percent. Show 653

**Thursday, April 6: Guests include Jay Leno, Kate Upton and musical guest Jason Derulo featuring Ty Dolla $ign. Show 654

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

PARADE OF STARS TO APPEAR ON ‘THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON’ FOR FOUR-NIGHT STAND AT UNIVERSAL ORLANDO RESORT APRIL 3-6

Vin Diesel, Shaquille O’Neal, Pitbull, Blake Shelton, Scott Eastwood, Dwayne Johnson, Nicole Richie, Flo Rida, Jay Leno and Jason Derulo Travel to Orlando and Help Celebrate Grand Opening of Host’s New Signature Ride “Race Through New York Starring Jimmy Fallon”

NEW YORK — March 29, 2017 — An array of superstar celebrities will join “The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” in Orlando for four highly anticipated broadcasts on April 3-6 to celebrate the grand opening of “Race Through New York Starring Jimmy Fallon,” Universal Orlando Resort’s thrilling new attraction.

The lineup will include:
Monday, April 3
Guests Vin Diesel, Shaquille O’Neal and musical performance by Pitbull featuring Stephen Marley

Tuesday, April 4
Guests Blake Shelton, Scott Eastwood and musical performance by Blake Shelton

Wednesday, April 5
Guests Dwayne Johnson, Nicole Richie and musical performance by Flo Rida featuring 99 Percent

Thursday, April 6
Guests Jay Leno and musical performance by Jason Derulo featuring Ty Dolla $ign
Additional guests to be announced.

“The Tonight Show’s” fun-filled return to Orlando will kick-off with O’Neal going head-to-head with Fallon in a not-to be-missed Lip Sync Battle.

Diesel, Eastwood and Johnson are all starring in the eighth installment of Universal’s blockbuster “Fast and the Furious” franchise: “The Fate of the Furious,” in theaters April 14.
“Race Through New York Starring Jimmy Fallon” will give guests the ultimate “Tonight Show” experience as they get up close and personal with the show’s most hilarious segments before taking off on a wild and action-packed race through New York City against Jimmy Fallon himself.

Guests will make their way through Studio 6B to board the flying theater, which seats up to 72 audience members, for the race of a lifetime. The attraction will also feature cameos by familiar faces such as Sara from “Ew,” Hashtag the Panda, “Tonight Show” announcer Steve Higgins, and Grammy Award-winning band The Roots, who are also the musical masterminds behind the original attraction score.

The grand opening of “Race Through New York” will be April 6. For more information visit http://blog.universalorlando.com/.

From Universal Television and Broadway Video, "The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon" is executive produced by Lorne Michaels and produced by Gerard Bradford, Mike DiCenzo and Katie Hockmeyer. Jamie Granet-Bederman produces. "The Tonight Show” tapes before a live studio audience from Studio 6B in 30 Rockefeller Center.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: MARCH 27 – March 30


Monday, March 27: Guests include Scarlett Johansson, Richard Dreyfuss and Dan White. Show 647

Tuesday, March 28: Guests include Jason Segel, Lilly Singh and Brian Regan. Show 648

Wednesday, March 29: Guests include Katie Holmes, Andrew Rannells and musical guest Zac Brown Band. Show 649

**Thursday, March 30: Guests include Louis C.K., Regina King and musical guest Tinashe. Show 650

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' March 20 – March 24

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.20.17

You guys, today is the first day of Spring! Yep, it’s that day when millions of Americans look at their bodies in the mirror and ask, “Can we get, like, two more months of winter?” (I promise, I’ll do some sit-ups!)

I have to say though, it is nice waking up to the birds tweeting instead of the president tweeting.

Of course springtime means spring cleaning, and a lot of people are throwing out things they no longer need. You know – like clothing, old books and March Madness brackets. (It’s just garbage now.)

Yesterday was crazy. South Carolina pulled off a huge upset by beating Duke to move on to the Sweet 16. Now the only question is whether Russia helped.

There were actually several March Madness upsets this weekend, with Wisconsin taking out top overall seed Villanova, and Michigan beating Louisville. I haven't seen Wisconsin and Michigan knock out the favorite since...the election.

And this was kind of scary. A man claims that this weekend, he snuck past Secret Service at Mar-a-Lago to take a selfie in President Trump’s private study. But Trump is denying this, saying there is no way he’d ever have a study.

This weekend was actually Trump’s fifth visit to Mar-a-Lago in the eight weeks he’s been president. And this is weird – each night at dinner, he makes his staff dress up as a clock, a teapot, and a candlestick to sing “Be Our Guest.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.21.17
Here’s what people are talking about. Of course, it’s this big investigation into Russia. FBI director James Comey confirmed that the agency is examining possible ties between Russia and President Trump's campaign. When asked if they'd found anything yet, Comey said, (NODDING YES) "I can't comment on an ongoing investigation."

However, Comey refused to say whether Trump himself was being investigated. It’s part of his policy not to comment on ongoing investigations...that don’t involve Hillary Clinton. (Anything else I can’t talk about!)

As you'd expect, there’s a lot of material to go through, and Comey said there’s no timetable for when the FBI will finish. Then Putin said, (PUTIN) “Is like the ‘Grey’s Anatomy’ of investigations. When you think it will end…it does not.”

But in the meantime, Trump’s keeping busy. Today, he signed a bill authorizing nearly 20 billion dollars in funding for NASA. You know - as long as they find a way to project his face onto the moon.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.22.17
Let's get to some news, you guys. I read that President Trump still doesn’t have enough votes to pass the Republican health care bill tomorrow. Then another guy said, (PUTIN, SIGH) “Okay – how many do you need this time?”

That’s actually a big story today. It came out that Trump's former campaign manager Paul Manafort worked for a Russian billionaire and helped promote Putin's agenda. But Manafort quit when he realized he could just work for an AMERICAN billionaire and achieve the same thing.

And get this. It turns out Paul Manafort was paid ten million dollars to advocate for Putin. Trump was furious - he said, (TRUMP) "That’s more than he pays ME!!”

Meanwhile, Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch started his confirmation hearings this week. And he said he has his law students think about their legacies by having them write an obituary about themselves. Incidentally - that's also part of the Republican healthcare plan.

I saw that this week, Trump’s kids Don Jr., Ivanka, and Eric took their families on a ski trip to Aspen. Which was fun, til they said, “Wait, if we’re all here – WHO’S WATCHING DAD???” (Everybody back on the plane!!! He might be tweeting right now!!)

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.23.17
Of course the big story is that the vote on the Republican health care bill was delayed today because they didn't have enough votes to pass it. When he heard, Obama called Trump and said, (OBAMA) "Don't worry, Obamacare covers depression!"

At one point, Congress was prepared to vote as late as three a.m. Congressmen called their wives and told them not to wait up. Then they called their mistresses and said, “See ya at 3!”

But Trump was on the phone last night until almost midnight calling Republicans to try to switch their votes on the bill. All the calls started the same way: (OPERATOR) “You have a collect call from (TRUMP) “Don’t hang up, loser!”

Trump said the hardest part was talking on one phone and tweeting on the other. (Multi-tasking is tough.)

Yeah, Trump was up all night calling Republicans. He said he would’ve called some Democrats - but figured they were already on the line, spying on him.

Meanwhile, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer said that there’s currently no “plan B” for replacing Obamacare. Then women said, “Yeah – we know EXACTLY where you guys stand on Plan B.” (You can stop talking.)

Listen to this. I read that Trump is the first president in 150 years without a pet in the White House. Then another guy said, (PUTIN) "Is okay - because I have pet in White House." (Roll over, Donald...)

Some more news out of Washington. Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch said he doesn't see judges as Democrats or Republicans, saying, "I see judges." And then when asked about the Republican Health Care Plan, Gorsuch said, “I see dead people.” C’mon no spoilers!

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.24.17
Thank you all for being here tonight. How many of you are here on vacation? Okay, now how many of you are congressmen hiding from Trump, cuz you wouldn’t vote for his healthcare bill? (So about half the audience)

Yeah, this bill was not well received at all. In fact, Nancy Pelosi called the Republican health care bill a "moral monstrosity." Then Trump said, (TRUMP) “Okay, put her down as a maybe!” (She didn’t say no!!)

Actually, get this. I read that just 13 percent of women supported the Republican health care replacement bill. When he heard that, Paul Ryan was like (SNAPPING FINGER) “Women! I KNEW we forgot to include something in there! Lets put that in the bill."

Trump was not happy. He said that if this healthcare bill didn’t pass, he'd just leave Obamacare in place. Kind of a weird threat – it's like saying, (ANGRY DAD) “If you kids don't stop fighting back there, I'm driving this car STRAIGHT to Disney World!"

But White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer said that Trump did everything he could to get support for the bill, but said at the end of the day you can't force someone to do something. Then he added, "Except sending me out here every day to LIE through my TEETH!”

Let’s get to some business news. I read that starting this spring, Apple is going to start making iPhones in India. Then Trump said, (TRUMP) “Told you I’d get them to stop making stuff in China! (Technically, I win!)”

And a lot of people are excited about this. The “Power Rangers” movie opens this weekend, you guys! It's a film about a group of people gaining an incredible amount of power, then squandering it because they can't agree on a health care plan.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: MARCH 23 – MARCH 30


Thursday, March 23: Guests include Anthony Anderson, Rhett & Link and musical guest Migos. Show 645

Friday, March 24: Guests include Morgan Freeman, Norman Reedus and Joe Zimmerman. Show 646

Monday, March 27: Guests include Scarlett Johansson, Richard Dreyfuss and Dan White. Show 647

Tuesday, March 28: Guests include Jason Segel, Lilly Singh and Brian Regan. Show 648

Wednesday, March 29: Guests include Katie Holmes, Andrew Rannells and musical guest Zac Brown Band. Show 649

**Thursday, March 30: Guests include Louis CK, Regina King and musical guest Richard Ashcroft. Show 650

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: MARCH 22 – MARCH 29

Wednesday, March 22: Guests include Woody Harrelson, John Cena and musical guest Martin Garrix & Dua Lipa. Show 644


Thursday, March 23: Guests include Anthony Anderson, Rhett & Link and musical guest Migos. Show 645

Friday, March 24: Guests include Morgan Freeman, Norman Reedus and Joe Zimmerman. Show 646

Monday, March 27: Guests include Scarlett Johansson, Richard Dreyfuss and Dan White. Show 647

Tuesday, March 28: Guests include Jason Segel, Lilly Singh and Brian Regan. Show 648

**Wednesday, March 29: Guests include Katie Holmes, Andrew Rannells and musical guest Zac Brown Band. Show 649

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: MARCH 21 – MARCH 28

Tuesday, March 21: Guests include Jessica Chastain, Joe Manganiello and musical guest Gary Clark Jr. Prodigy sits-in with The Roots. Show 643

Wednesday, March 22: Guests include Woody Harrelson, John Cena and musical guest Martin Garrix & Dua Lipa. Show 644

Thursday, March 23: Guests include Anthony Anderson, Rhett & Link and musical guest Migos. Show 645

Friday, March 24: Guests include Morgan Freeman, Norman Reedus and Joe Zimmerman. Show 646

Monday, March 27: Guests include Scarlett Johansson, Richard Dreyfuss and Dan White. Show 647

**Tuesday, March 28: Guests include Jason Segel, Lilly Singh and Brian Regan. Show 648
These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: MARCH 20 – MARCH 27
Monday, March 20: Guests include Jake Gyllenhaal, Paris Jackson and musical guest Julia Michaels. Show 642

Tuesday, March 21: Guests include Jessica Chastain, Joe Manganiello and musical guest Gary Clark Jr. Prodigy sits-in with The Roots. Show 643

Wednesday, March 22: Guests include Woody Harrelson, John Cena and musical guest Martin Garrix & Dua Lipa. Show 644

Thursday, March 23: Guests include Anthony Anderson, Rhett & Link and musical guest Migos. Show 645

Friday, March 24: Guests include Morgan Freeman, Norman Reedus and Joe Zimmerman. Show 646

**Monday, March 27: Guests include Scarlett Johansson, Richard Dreyfuss and Dan White. Show 647

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' March 13 – March 17

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.13.17

Of course, it’s this big snow storm that was expected to hit New York. In fact, some are saying we could experience a whiteout. But things will even out on St. Patrick’s Day, when we all experience a blackout. (DRUNK) “You see where I put the carrot on that snowman??”

Yeah, the blizzard is also supposed to hit Washington D.C. You'll know it's cold outside when the Washington Monument actually shrinks by about 40 feet.

March Madness is here! Yep, it’s the time of year I go right from my “Bachelor” bracket to my NCAA bracket.
If you’re not familiar, here’s how the NCAA tournament works - it starts at 68, then 64, then 32, then 16, then 8, then 4, then 1. Wait, I’m sorry – that’s the number of Republicans backing Trump’s healthcare bill.

Oh, this was kind of scary. On Friday night, someone actually jumped the White House fence. Secret Service eventually caught them and said, “Sorry, but you have to stay here for ALL four years, Mr. President.” (TRUMP) “It was worth a try.”

Some TV news here. The creators of "Game of Thrones" just announced that the show’s final season will only be six episodes, instead of ten. That’s when you know things are crazy on “Game of Thrones” – when even the EPISODES are getting killed off.

And finally, you guys, the remake of Disney's "Beauty and the Beast" comes out this week! There's a talking teapot, a singing candlestick, and Kellyanne Conway's favorite character: the spying microwave.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.14.17
Of course, it’s this huge blizzard that hit the East Coast. Yeah, I read that 120 million people were affected by today's snowstorm. Yep, 120 million people worked from home...on their March Madness brackets.

But the storm really messed with people’s travel here in New York, and many subway stops had to shut down. Then mariachi bands said, "That's okay - we'll just come to your house."

Well you guys, last night was the big finale of “The Bachelor!” And Nick wound up getting engaged to Vanessa, a teacher from Canada. Nick didn’t PLAN on marrying Vanessa, but after seeing the GOP healthcare plan, moving to Canada was the logical decision.
Last night’s finale actually took place in Finland, and at one point, Nick took Vanessa on a horseback ride through the snow. I’d normally think that’s romantic, but that’s how I got to work today.

I read that the ring Nick gave Vanessa when he proposed costs 100,000 dollars. Which explains the NEXT show Vanessa will be appearing on: "Pawn Stars."

But despite the engagement, it’s hard to say what Nick's future holds. I mean, he's a reality star who married an immigrant he barely knows and oh my God, he's gonna be President of the United States.

Let’s get to some political news. I saw that Trump left four empty chairs at his first cabinet meeting yesterday, to represent his nominees who haven’t been confirmed. And then there was another empty chair because Education Secretary Betsy DeVos couldn’t figure out how to sit in it.

And finally, I read about a marijuana dispensary in Los Angeles that doubles as an art gallery. Yeah, patrons stare at the art for hours before being told, “Sir, that’s the exit sign.” (STONER) “It’s, like, so red!”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.15.17
We have Rachel Maddow on the show tonight! Of course, Rachel’s in the news because she got ahold of Donald Trump’s 2005 tax return on her show. But a lot of people were saying it didn’t really show much. So I guess last night, people had to pick between watching “This Is Us” or “This Is Nothing.”

But get this. The tax return apparently had a “Client Copy” stamp on it, and many think it came from someone very close to Trump. Then Melania said, “Well I guess I’M off the hook!” (Haven’t talked to him since January.)

Meanwhile, the White House is also criticizing Rachel Maddow, saying it’s “totally illegal to steal & publish tax returns.” Yeah they said the documents should be released the proper way: by having a Russian hacker give them to Wikileaks.

But it seems like these leaks have everyone in Washington worried. In fact, a White House aide says that when he gets home, he turns off his work phone and puts it in a drawer because he's afraid it can listen to him. Meanwhile when she gets home, Kellyanne Conway hides her microwave in the closet.

Let’s get to some sports news. I saw that the New York Jets tried to get free-agent Dont’a Hightower over the weekend by giving him cupcakes and wishing him a Happy Birthday on every TV in the building. Hightower says it was nice, but it only counts if they say it on Facebook.

And listen to this. I read that Russia may have trouble getting athletes to compete in the 2018 Olympics after their big doping scandal. People were confused - they were like, “You can rig an ELECTION, but not a urine test?”

And finally, this was kinda nice. I saw that the cast of “Jersey Shore” reunited here in New York the other day. I guess it happened when Times Square Elmo and Times Square Cookie Monster took off their heads and were like, (JERSEY) "Snooki?!" "The Situation?!"

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.16.17
It’s another setback for President Trump. Last night, a federal judge in Hawaii blocked a second version of his travel ban, and now Trump says he’ll bring it to the Supreme Court. And if THEY block it - he said he'll take it to the Justice League. (TRUMP) "Batman owes me one."
I saw that today, Ireland's Prime Minister visited the White House and gave Trump a bowl filled with shamrocks. Then Trump was like, (TRUMP, LOOK AT BOWL) "Where are the tiny marshmallows? And how am I supposed to eat these without milk??"

And while he was in Tennessee yesterday, Trump gave a speech from the estate of former president Andrew Jackson. Trump may have been confused, because he also praised Andrew Jackson’s brothers: Michael, Jermaine, Randy and Tito. (No Marlon? No Love for Marlon?)

Let’s get to some sports, you guys. Today was the start of March Madness! Or as a lot of husbands call it, "Payback for the three hour Bachelor finale."
And finally, this is cool. I saw that John McCain filled out a March Madness bracket for ESPN. When asked what pick he feels best about, he said Arizona. And when asked what pick he feels WORST about, he said Sarah Palin. (That's still a tough one for him.)

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.17.17
Yep, for many, today is a proud day to celebrate Irish heritage. But for most, it’s the start of pregaming for Cinco De Mayo. A little primer.

Get this. I read that 13 million pints of Guinness were expected to be consumed today. They just didn't expect we'd do it by 9 a.m. We’re overachievers, you guys! USA! USA!

Yeah, there was a LOT of drinking today. So for once, it wasn’t a big deal when Sean Spicer showed up to his White House press briefing with a flask.

But again, on behalf of everyone here at the Tonight Show, I’d like to wish you all a Happy Saint Patrick’s Day! If you're Irish, raise a glass. And if you're not Irish, raise two!

Let’s get to some news here. Yesterday, a Senate Intelligence Committee announced that it had found no evidence that President Trump had been wiretapped by President Obama. When asked if he'd apologize to Obama, Trump said, (TRUMP) "I'll just say I’m sorry the next time he wiretaps me."

But the White House DID apologize for accusing British intelligence of helping Obama wiretap Trump during the campaign. And to show that there's no hard feelings, the UK promised to never listen to anything Trump says ever again.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: MARCH 17 – MARCH 24

**Friday, March 17: Guests include Taraji P. Henson, Jon Glaser and musical guest Run The Jewels. Show 641

Monday, March 20: Guests include Jake Gyllenhaal, Paris Jackson and musical guest Julia Michaels. Show 642

Tuesday, March 21: Guests include Jessica Chastain, Joe Manganiello and musical guest Gary Clark Jr. Prodigy sits-in with The Roots. Show 643

Wednesday, March 22: Guests include Woody Harrelson, John Cena and musical guest Martin Garrix & Dua Lipa. Show 644

Thursday, March 23: Guests include Anthony Anderson, Rhett & Link and musical guest Migos. Show 645

**Friday, March 24: Guests include Morgan Freeman, Norman Reedus and Joe Zimmerman. Show 646

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: MARCH 16 – MARCH 23

Thursday, March 16: Guests include Elizabeth Banks, J.J. Abrams and musical guest Kate Tempest. Show 640

Friday, March 17: Guests include Taraji P. Henson, Pitbull and musical guest Run The Jewels. Show 641

Monday, March 20: Guests include Jake Gyllenhaal, Paris Jackson and musical guest Julia Michaels. Show 642

Tuesday, March 21: Guests include Jessica Chastain, Joe Manganiello and musical guest Gary Clark Jr. Prodigy sits-in with The Roots. Show 643

Wednesday, March 22: Guests include Woody Harrelson, John Cena and musical guest Martin Garrix & Dua Lipa. Show 644

**Thursday, March 23: Guests include Anthony Anderson, Rhett & Link and musical guest Migos. Show 645

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: MARCH 15 – MARCH 22

Wednesday, March 15: Guests include Ice Cube, Rachel Maddow and musical guest Khalid. Show 639

Thursday, March 16: Guests include Elizabeth Banks, J.J. Abrams and musical guest Kate Tempest. Show 640

Friday, March 17: Guests include Taraji P. Henson, Pitbull and musical guest Run The Jewels. Show 641

Monday, March 20: Guests include Jake Gyllenhaal, Paris Jackson and musical guest Julia Michaels. Show 642

Tuesday, March 21: Guests include Jessica Chastain, Joe Manganiello and musical guest Gary Clark Jr. Prodigy sits-in with The Roots. Show 643

**Wednesday, March 22: Guests include Woody Harrelson, John Cena and musical guest Martin Garrix & Dua Lipa. Show 644

These listings are subject to change.
 **denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: MARCH 14 – MARCH 21

Tuesday, March 14: Guests include Adam Levine, Josh Gad and musical guest Maroon 5. Show 638

Wednesday, March 15: Guests include Ice Cube, Rachel Maddow and musical guest Khalid. Show 639

Thursday, March 16: Guests include Elizabeth Banks, J.J. Abrams and musical guest Kate Tempest. Show 640

Friday, March 17: Guests include Taraji P. Henson, Pitbull and musical guest Run The Jewels. Show 641

Monday, March 20: Guests include Jake Gyllenhaal, Paris Jackson and musical guest Julia Michaels. Show 642

**Tuesday, March 21: Guests include Jessica Chastain, Joe Manganiello and musical guest Gary Clark Jr. Prodigy sits-in with The Roots. Show 643

These listings are subject to change.
 **denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: MARCH 13 – MARCH 20

Monday, March 13: Guests include Kiefer Sutherland, Priyanka Chopra and musical guest Rebel and a Basketcase with Evan Rachel Wood. Show 637

Tuesday, March 14: Guests include Adam Levine, Josh Gad and musical guest Maroon 5. Show 638

**Wednesday, March 15: Guests include Ice Cube, Rachel Maddow and musical guest Khalid. Show 639

Thursday, March 16: Guests include Elizabeth Banks, J.J. Abrams and musical guest Kate Tempest. Show 640

Friday, March 17: Guests include Taraji P. Henson, Pitbull and musical guest Run The Jewels. Show 641

**Monday, March 20: Guests include Jake Gyllenhaal, Paris Jackson and musical guest Julia Michaels. Show 642

These listings are subject to change.
 **denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: MARCH 10 – MARCH 17

Friday, March 10: Guests include Gordon Ramsay, Alessia Cara and Experts from Ask This Old House. OAD 2/3/17

Monday, March 13: Guests include Kiefer Sutherland, Priyanka Chopra and musical guest Rebel and a Basketcase with Evan Rachel Wood. Show 637

Tuesday, March 14: Guests include Adam Levine, Josh Gad and musical guest Maroon 5. Show 638

Wednesday, March 15: Guests include Ice Cube, Paris Jackson and musical guest Khalid. Show 639

**Thursday, March 16: Guests include Elizabeth Banks, J.J. Abrams and musical guest Kate Tempest. Show 640

**Friday, March 17: Guests include Taraji P. Henson, Pitbull and musical guest Run The Jewels. Show 641

These listings are subject to change.
 **denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: MARCH 8 – MARCH 15

Wednesday, March 8: Guests include Mike Myers, Tim Ferriss and musical guest Steve Aoki & Louis Tomlinson. OAD 1/24/17


Thursday, March 9: Guests include Jessica Biel, Ricky Martin, Robert Irwin and musical guest Rag’n’Bone Man. Chad Smith sits-in with The Roots. OAD 2/16/17

Friday, March 10: Guests include Gordon Ramsay, Alessia Cara and Experts from Ask This Old House. OAD 2/3/17

**Monday, March 13: Guests include Kiefer Sutherland, Priyanka Chopra and musical guest Rebel and a Basketcase with Evan Rachel Wood. Show 637

**Tuesday, March 14: Guests include Adam Levine, Josh Gad and musical guest Maroon 5. Show 638

**Wednesday, March 15: Guests include Ice Cube, Paris Jackson and musical guest Khalid. Show 639

These listings are subject to change.
 **denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' February 27 – March 3

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.27.17 
Of course, it’s the Oscars. I thought Jimmy Kimmel did a great job hosting -- congrats to Jimmy, he’s always good. But did you see what happened at the end? Yeah, the producers of “La La Land” went up on stage after the movie was named Best Picture - then it was announced that they actually lost to “Moonlight.” And today, they joined a support group with the Atlanta Falcons and Hillary Clinton.

But it was a really crazy moment. In fact, "Moonlight" director Barry Jenkins said that he was “speechless.” Not because he was surprised, because he’d torn up his speech when “La La Land” was announced.

Actually, several producers from “La La Land” had already given their acceptance speeches before the mistake was realized. That’s pretty rough – now you’ve gotta apologize to everyone you forgot to thank – in your speech that DIDN’T COUNT??

Some news out of Washington. On Friday, CNN, The New York Times, and Buzzfeed were blocked from participating in a media briefing with White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer. CNN called it "unacceptable," the Times called it "outrageous" and Buzzfeed called it "one of the top seven things Trump did today that will blow your mind."

In fact things are so tense between Trump and the press, he says he’s not going to this year’s White House Correspondents’ Dinner. And an aide defended his decision, saying quote, “If a Girl Scout egged your house, would you buy cookies from her?” Then Americans said, “If she’s selling Thin Mints, hell yeah!”
And this was kind of embarrassing. Over the weekend, Vice President Mike Pence tweeted his support for Israel, but accidentally used an Emoji of the Nicaraguan flag instead of the Israeli flag. The White House says there’s a perfectly good reason why he did it: nobody knows what they’re doing.

Check this out, you guys. I read that Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg works out twice a week with a personal trainer and bench presses up to 70 pounds. She also does that really annoying thing where she throws the weight on the floor to let the entire gym know she finished a set.

And get this. I saw that the Oxford Dictionary just added over 300 new words including "drunk text," "cat lady," and "Kodak moment.” As in, “I drunk texted a cat lady, we met up, and it WAS NOT a Kodak moment.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.28.17 
Of course tonight, President Trump gave his big speech to Congress. And I saw that beforehand, Democrats came out with a “prebuttal” to counter some of Trump’s talking points. They say that they know what Trump’s gonna say before he says it – or as Trump put it, (TRUMP) “Must be nice.” (I just open my mouth, and the best words come out!)”

And one of the big issues that was expected to come up was immigration. And I saw that former Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad recently wrote a 3,500-word letter to Trump criticizing his immigration policy. When asked if he read the letter, Trump said, (TRUMP) “I haven’t even read my immigration policy!”
And listen to this. I saw that Trump's new Commerce Secretary is the vice-chairman of a bank that's owned by Vladimir Putin. You can tell the bank is owned by Putin, cuz both the pens AND the tellers are chained to the desk. (PUTIN) “Neither is leaving bank.”

But it seems like Trump’s been breaking with a lot of traditions since he took office. And there’s speculation that President Trump could cancel the annual White House Easter Egg Roll. Then he said, (TRUMP) “Actually, I’m canceling ALL egg rolls, just to get back at JYNA.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.1.17  
Well, President Trump gave his big address to Congress last night. But it was surprising actually - he didn’t trash the media or brag about winning the election. It was the first time people playing a Trump drinking game ended up sober.

Yeah, Trump’s speech is actually getting pretty good reviews. In fact, a CNN poll found that 69 percent of viewers approved of Trump’s speech. Yeah, 69. Trump called the number impressive, while Mike Pence called it inappropriate. (PENCE) “That’s just uncalled for.”
But not everyone was impressed. In fact, many Democrats actually rushed out at the end of Trump's address. Most were annoyed by Trump's speech - while Bernie Sanders said, (BERNIE, PUSHING PAST) "Drinking a Big Gulp right before was NOT a good idea!"
This is kinda cool. Papa John's is testing a new system that lets customers pay three dollars to skip the line and get faster pizza delivery. And for SIX dollars, Peyton Manning will throw the pizza at you from a speeding car.
And finally, this was kind of scary. Today, lightning actually struck a runway at LaGuardia airport! It's not good - they say the lightning caused 10,000-dollars worth of improvements.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.2.17  
Attorney General Jeff Sessions recused himself from any investigations into Trump’s ties with Russia. But he still claims he did not lie under oath. Then he said, "I'm not under oath right now, am I??"

As you’d expect, many people are very upset with Jeff Sessions. But White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer said that when Sessions denied having contact with Russia, he was being "100 percent straight." Even Mike Pence was like, "C'mon, no one is 100% straight!"
Oh, and this is pretty crazy. Apparently, House Republicans are keeping their Obamacare replacement bill hidden in a basement in Congress, and other lawmakers can’t get to it. Then Nicolas Cage was like, (CAGE) “Don’t worry, you guys - I got this! I gotta break through the dome and find the hidden treasure!”
Here's a little business news. I read that Snapchat's IPO launched on the stock market yesterday. Or, to put it another way, something that your parents don’t understand just launched on something YOU don’t understand.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.3.17  
I saw that today in Florida, President Trump made his first visit to a school since taking office. Trump was there for only five minutes before yelling out, (TRUMP) "When's recess?!!"

But did you see this? After it came out that Attorney General Jeff Sessions had met with the Russian ambassador, it was revealed that Donald Trump Jr. was paid 50,000 dollars to speak at an event hosted by Russian allies. When asked who the Russian allies were, he said, “My dad and Jeff Sessions.”

Oh, some big TV news. Today, Arnold Schwarzenegger announced that he’s quitting "Celebrity Apprentice,” because the show has “too much baggage.” And when Arnold stormed out of the room, producers said, “Eh - he’ll be back.”

Listen to this. I read that Air pollution from China, India and other Asian countries has apparently drifted across the Pacific Ocean and is creating smog in the U.S. When he heard that, Trump said, (TRUMP) “We’re gonna build a giant fan, and blow it right back at them!”

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: MARCH 3 – MARCH 10

Friday, March 3: Guests include Samuel L. Jackson, Dakota Fanning and musical guest Ed Sheeran. Show 636

**Monday, March 6: Guests include Michael Shannon, Alicia Keys and musical guest John Mellencamp ft. Martina McBride. OAD 2/28/17

**Tuesday, March 7: Guests include Neil Patrick Harris, Ken Jeong and Josh Johnson. OAD 2/22/17

**Wednesday, March 8: Guests include Mike Myers, Tim Ferriss and musical guest Steve Aoki & Louis Tomlinson. OAD 1/24/17

**Thursday, March 9: Guests include Jessica Biel, Ricky Martin, Robert Irwin and musical guest Rag’n’Bone Man. Chad Smith sits-in with The Roots. OAD 2/16/17

**Friday, March 10: Guests include Gordon Ramsay, Alessia Cara and Experts from Ask This Old House. OAD 2/3/17

These listings are subject to change.
 **denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: FEBRUARY 27 – MARCH 3

Monday, February 27: Guests include Aaron Paul, Keri Russell and musical guest 2 Chainz ft. Gucci Mane Show 632

Tuesday, February 28: Guests include Michael Shannon, Alicia Keys and musical guest John Mellencamp ft. Martina McBride. Show 633

Wednesday, March 1: Guests include Jennifer Lopez, Jeff Probst and musical guest Depeche Mode. Show 634

Thursday, March 2: Guests include Octavia Spencer, John Lithgow and musical guest Luke Bryan. Show 635

Friday, March 3: Guests include Samuel L. Jackson, Dakota Fanning and musical guest Ed Sheeran. Show 636

These listings are subject to change.                              
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' February 21 – February 24

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.21.17 
Yesterday was President’s Day. And I read that Donald Trump’s supporters were e-mailed a Presidents’ Day card to sign for him. And since Trump was busy golfing, they were asked to sign some executive orders for him, too.

Did you hear about this? At his rally on Saturday, Trump suggested there was a terror attack in Sweden that didn’t really happen - and then the Swedish Embassy asked the State Department for an explanation. You know things are bad when the country that makes Ikea instructions is totally confused.

And this was kind of weird. I noticed that President Trump didn't wear a tie to his big rally in Orlando on Saturday. I guess it was either at the cleaners, or he got tired of tripping over it.

Guys a new report from the Washington Post reveals that Trump has spent 25 hours golfing during his first month in office. But during his intelligence briefings, he really buckled down...and played Wii golf.

I saw that this morning, Trump spoke at the National Museum of African-American History and Culture in Washington D.C. Marking the first presidential speech that was broadcast with a seven-second delay. (Just in case!)

Actually, Trump went on a tour of the African American Museum with Ben Carson. Things got awkward at each exhibit, when Trump would turn to Carson and say, (TRUMP) “Friend of yours?”

But Trump also made a pretty  big addition to his cabinet. Yesterday, he announced his new pick for National Security Advisor is Lieutenant General H.R. McMaster, who was actually Trump's THIRD choice for the job. Yeah, he’s like the RC Cola of National Security Advisers.

That’s right, his name is H.R. McMaster. Incidentally, a "McMaster's" is also the best degree you could get from Trump University. (DUMB) “Mom I got my McMasters! It came with a toy!”

Let’s get to some sports here. This weekend was the NBA All-Star Game - and Cavaliers player Kyrie Irving made news for saying that he thinks the Earth is flat. And this is nice – today, he was named an education ambassador by Betsy DeVos.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.22.17 
President Trump is getting ready to speak to Congress next Tuesday. And apparently this speech will be more upbeat than the one he gave at his inauguration. People were like, “Seriously? ‘Manchester By The Sea’ was more upbeat than his inauguration speech.”

I read that Trump's frequent visits to his Mar-a-Lago resort have many wondering if he'll stick with the presidential tradition of visiting Camp David. While others would just be happy if he stuck with the tradition of visiting the White House. (You’re still president on the weekend, you know that?)

Of course, another big story is Trump’s ongoing feud with the media - especially his tweet where he called the press, quote, “the enemy of the American people.” Then the American people said, “Nope – that would be kale.” (No one likes kale.)

But get this. Former Democratic presidential candidate Lincoln Chafee is actually siding with Trump, saying he can relate to how Trump’s being covered. Then even Lincoln Chafee was like, “Wait – who am I again??” (Am I the guy with the guitar? Nope, that was Martin O’Malley...I was the guy with the hair.)

Oh, this was pretty big. Today, NASA called a press conference to announce that they've found seven new planets! The crowd cheered, while Pluto was like, (SLOW SARCASTIC CLAP) “REALLY happy for them.”

Yeah, apparently the planets are 40 light-years away and could actually support life! And when they heard, millions of Tinder users expanded their search distances. “Let’s try...20 billion miles.”

Check this out. This week, UPS unveiled a new delivery truck that uses drones to fly packages out for delivery. Then UPS drivers were like, "Hey, as long as you're inventing new things for our trucks - how about DOORS??" (It’s February! You’re making us wear shorts! And I’m freezing!)

Yeah, UPS is using drones. Which explains their new slogan: "What Can Brown Drop On You?"

Hey, I saw that today is George Washington’s birthday. George Washington is, of course, the father of our country, while Trump is more like the stepfather that got your mom on the rebound. (KID) “You’re not my REAL president!” (TRUMP) “Call me dad whenever you’re ready!”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.23.17  
One of the big stories everyone is talking about is the immigration debate. Get this – I saw that Pope Francis has actually been tweeting Bible references that oppose President Trump's travel ban. You know you're doing something wrong when you're getting cyber-bullied by the POPE.

Meanwhile, House Speaker Paul Ryan just got back from a tour of the U.S.-Mexico border - and while he was there, he actually rode a horse. And when he saw Ryan was wearing a shirt, one guy said, (PUTIN) "You are doing it wrong."

Actually, there are rumors that Russia is compiling a psychological profile on Trump to help Putin get inside his head. You know - it's SO HARD to get Trump to open up and talk about himself. (He keeps most a lot of things private.)

And I saw that Apple is criticizing Trump, after he overturned the rule that lets transgender students use the bathroom of their choice. Apple says that regardless of your gender, everyone should be able to drop an iPhone into whichever toilet they want. (As long as you keep buying iPhones!)

But Trump is still working hard to build relationships with businesses. In fact this morning, he held a meeting with a group of CEOs at the White House. Trump said he wants to replace robots with human workers - then Mike Pence said, (STIFF) “I’ll show myself out!”

It seems like Trump’s staff is still trying to get a handle on things. In fact, one insider says there's no rhyme or reason to who Trump picks for his administration. Trump was like, (TRUMP) “Not true - there’s DEFINITELY a rhyme in ‘Eeeny Meeny Miny Moe.’”

However, John McCain actually praised Trump’s new National Security Adviser, H.R. McMaster, calling him an “outstanding choice” and a “man of genuine intellect, character, and ability.” Then Trump said, (TRUMP) "In that case, forget it! Get me Steven Seagal!!"

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.24.17  
I saw that during his briefing yesterday, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer said that the White House could enforce tougher drug laws in states with legal marijuana. Yeah, stoners were so upset, they immediately called their local congressman and said, (STONER) “Did you call me, or did I call you?”
Of course, this week was the big Conservative Political Action Conference - or, CPAC. And I saw that it was held in Maryland at the Gaylord Convention Center. When he heard the name, Mike Pence said, "I'll just wait outside.”
And today, President Trump gave a big speech at CPAC. But I guess foreign interpreters are having trouble translating his speeches, because they say it sounds like he’s speaking his own language. In fact, Trump is so hard to understand, he’s THIS close to deporting himself.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: FEBRUARY 24 – MARCH 3

Friday, February 24: Guests include Hugh Jackman, Mandy Moore and musical guest Chronixx. Show 631

**Monday, February 27: Guests include Aaron Paul, Keri Russell and musical guest 2 Chainz ft. Gucci Mane Show 632

Tuesday, February 28: Guests include Michael Shannon, Alicia Keys and musical guest John Mellencamp ft. Martina McBride. Show 633

Wednesday, March 1: Guests include Jennifer Lopez, Jeff Probst and musical guest Depeche Mode. Show 634

Thursday, March 2: Guests include Octavia Spencer, John Lithgow and musical guest Luke Bryan. Show 635

**Friday, March 3: Guest include Samuel L. Jackson, Dakota Fanning and musical guest Ed Sheeran. Show 636

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: FEBRUARY 23 – MARCH 2

Thursday, February 23: Guests include Susan Sarandon, Elijah Wood and musical guest Little Big Town. Charlie Wilson sits-in with The Roots. Show 630

Friday, February 24: Guests include Hugh Jackman, Mandy Moore and musical guest Chronixx. Show 631

Monday, February 27: Guests include Aaron Paul and Keri Russell. Show 632

Tuesday, February 28: Guests include Michael Shannon, Alicia Keys and musical guest John Mellencamp ft. Martina McBride. Show 633

Wednesday, March 1: Guests include Jennifer Lopez, Jeff Probst and musical guest Depeche Mode. Show 634

**Thursday, March 2: Guests include Octavia Spencer, John Lithgow and musical guest Luke Bryan. Show 635

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: FEBRUARY 22 – FEBRUARY 29

Wednesday, February 22: Guests include Neil Patrick Harris, Ken Jeong and Josh Johnson. Show 629

Thursday, February 23: Guests include Susan Sarandon, Elijah Wood and musical guest Little Big Town. Charlie Wilson sits-in with The Roots. Show 630

Friday, February 24: Guests include Hugh Jackman, Mandy Moore and musical guest Chronixx. Show 631

**Monday, February 27: Guests include Aaron Paul and Keri Russell. Show 632

Tuesday, February 28: Guests include Michael Shannon, Alicia Keys and musical guest John Mellencamp ft. Martina McBride. Show 633

**Wednesday, February 29: Guests include Jennifer Lopez, Jeff Probst and musical guest Depeche Mode. Show 634

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' February 13 – February 17

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.13.17  

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day! Which means in 24 hours, guys all across the country will be telling their loved ones, (DUMB) “I thought you said we weren’t doing gifts this year.”

Actually, I read that one of the more popular Valentine’s Day gifts this year is gym memberships. Cuz what better way to say I love you than by saying "You're fat and I want you out of the house"?

And the Grammys were last night. Adele was the big winner. But get this - after winning for Best Album, Adele said she thought Beyoncé should have won instead. Then Kanye was like, "Damn, she beat me to it!" and went back to his seat.

And did you see this? During his performance with A Tribe Called Quest, Busta Rhymes referred to President Trump as “President Agent Orange.” Then the Secret Service said, "Great - now he needs a new codename!"
This weekend at his Mar-a-Lago resort in Florida, President Trump apparently discussed sensitive information about a North Korean missile launch in front of waiters and other guests. The guests said they won't share what they overheard, while the waiter said, (RUSSIAN) "No promises." (President Agent Orange has let cat out of bag.)

And this was just crazy. I saw that someone at Mar-a-Lago posted a Facebook photo with the man carrying the bag with the nuclear launch codes. Even worse? The bag was a purse from the Ivanka Trump Collection.

And this was pretty embarrassing. Yesterday the U.S. Department of Education incorrectly spelled the name of civil rights activist W.E.B. Du Bois in a tweet. They then followed that up - and this is real - by tweeting “our deepest apologizes for the earlier typo.” 

Of course the big movie at the box office this weekend was "The Lego Batman Movie," which actually beat "Fifty Shades Darker." And “Fifty Shades” loved it.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.14.17 
I saw that an estimated 36 million heart-shaped boxes of chocolate were sold for today. They're very easy to wrap -- you just use the six-foot-long receipt you get at CVS.
Actually the Better Business Bureau is warning people to beware of scams this year. Then every flower shop charging 100 bucks for a dozen roses said, "Yeah, we'll be on the lookout."

Let’s get to some news here. Apparently, Michael Flynn just set a record as the shortest-serving White House National Security adviser ever, at 24 days. Then Education Secretary Betsy DeVos said, “Wow - only a week?!”

And finally, a new study finds that firstborn children are typically smarter than their younger siblings. When asked how smart the middle child is, the scientists said, “Oh, we don’t care.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.15.17 
From "The Voice," we have Gwen Stefani on the show tonight! Or as one guy put it, (TRUMP) "Finally - a judge I respect!!"

Let’s get to some news here. The big story is that last night, The New York Times published a bombshell report that President Trump’s campaign was in contact with Russian intelligence since 2015. When asked if it was true, Trump said, (TRUMP) “Nyet! I mean, ‘No!’”
Of course the story is all over cable news and Trump is not happy about it. In fact, he went on Twitter this morning and said that MSNBC and CNN are unwatchable. Then he said, (TRUMP) “And I know, because I spend ALL DAY watching them.”
Actually here’s some good news. I saw that ABC just announced that Rachel Lindsay, a 31-year-old attorney, will be the first African-American to star as “The Bachelorette.” Even more impressive,  she's the first bachelorette with a real job! (I’m an aspiring dolphin trainer...I’m an entrepreneur!)

And get this. Singer Elle King just revealed that she ate a bunch of pot muffins before the Grammys this year. Yeah, people noticed that she seemed high when she went up to make her acceptance speech--you know, cuz she didn’t win any awards.

I read that a woman in California is suing the company that sells Mike and Ike's candies, because she claims the boxes are only half-full. You have to admire her -- even though she's suing, she's STILL an optimist!

And finally, a new report finds that over 55,000 bridges in the U.S. were found to have major structural problems last year. When asked how they're going to fix them, the government was like, "Eh, we'll cross that gaping hole when we get to it."

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.16.17  
Earlier today, President Trump held a press conference where he insulted the media, criticized Hillary Clinton, and talked about a hypothetical nuclear holocaust. Even Sean Spicer was like, "You should NOT be talking to reporters."

President Trump's press conference today lasted for an hour and fifteen minutes. Though an hour of that was just scanning the room for a reporter who wouldn’t ask a tough question. (TRUMP) “The gentleman from Highlights magazine.”

Trump also discussed the recent bombshell about his staff communicating with Russia, and said he hasn't made a phone call to Russia in years. And you could tell Trump was lying, because his tie grew another three inches.

And finally, I saw that this weekend, Trump will be holding a big rally in Orlando, Florida. And Trump says if there’s time, he’ll head over to Epcot Center and get in fights with all of the countries.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.17.17  
Well, Monday is Presidents Day you guys, which means most people are getting a three-day weekend! And get this. A new survey of historians just ranked James Buchanan as the worst president ever. Then after yesterday, Buchanan said, "I think you guys need to click your refresh button. A new challenger has emerged!!”

Yeah, people are still talking about President Trump’s wild press conference yesterday. In fact, the New York Times called it "77 chaotic minutes." Yeah, it’s not good when your first press conference gets the same review as “John Wick 2.”

But this morning, Trump’s Chief of Staff Reince Priebus did an interview on “Fox & Friends” where he said Trump did amazing in the press conference. Then from off-camera someone shouted, (TRUMP) “And tell them how sexy I looked!” (REINCE) “And he looked really sexy...”

And another big story is that Trump asked Vice Admiral Robert Harward to replace General Mike Flynn as National Security Advisor - then Admiral Harward said, “Hell to the nah nah.” (SING) “Hell to the nahhh”
Yeah, he turned down the job. The rest of Trump’s cabinet was furious - they were like “You can do that?” (”Why didn’t anyone TELL us we could say no!”)
And this is nice. Today, Hillary Clinton went to "Sesame Street Live" at Madison Square Garden with her two grandchildren. Hillary was having so much fun she even stayed after the show to have the Count go over all the votes from Ohio, Florida and Pennsylvania.

I saw that a woman in Florida had to call 9-1-1 after being locked inside a CVS pharmacy. The woman said she survived by eating several heart-shaped boxes of chocolates leftover from Valentine’s Day, then police were like, “Ma’am, you’ve only been here ten minutes.”

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: FEBRUARY 21 – FEBRUARY 28

Tuesday, February 21: Guests include Will Forte, Milo Ventimiglia and musical guest Future. Show 628

**Wednesday, February 22: Guests include Neil Patrick Harris, Ken Jeong and Josh Johnson. Show 629

Thursday, February 23: Guests include Susan Sarandon, Elijah Wood and musical guest Little Big Town. Charlie Wilson sits-in with The Roots. Show 630

Friday, February 24: Guests include Hugh Jackman, Mandy Moore and musical guest Chronixx. Show 631

**Monday, February 27: Guests include Aaron Paul, Keri Russell and musical guest 2 Chainz ft. Jhené Aiko & Ty Dolla $ign. Show 632

**Tuesday, February 28: Guests include Michael Shannon, Alicia Keys and musical guest John Mellencamp ft. Martina McBride. Show 633

These listings are subject to change.
 **denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: FEBRUARY 17 – FEBRUARY 24

Friday, February 17: Guests include Joel McHale, Zoe Kravitz and musical guest Ryan Adams. Show 627

Monday, February 20 (repeat): Guests include Michelle Obama and musical guest Stevie Wonder. OAD 1/11/17

Tuesday, February 21: Guests include Will Forte, Milo Ventimiglia and musical guest Future. Show 628

Wednesday, February 22: Guests include Ariana Grande, Ken Jeong and Josh Johnson. Show 629

Thursday, February 23: Guests include Susan Sarandon, Elijah Wood and musical guest Little Big Town. Charlie Wilson sits-in with The Roots. Show 630

**Friday, February 24: Guests include Hugh Jackman, Mandy Moore and musical guest Chronixx. Show 631

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: FEBRUARY 16 – FEBRUARY 23

Thursday, February 16: Guests include Jessica Biel, Ricky Martin, Robert Irwin and musical guest Rag’n’Bone Man. Chad Smith sits-in with The Roots. Show 626

Friday, February 17: Guests include Joel McHale, Zoe Kravitz and musical guest Ryan Adams. Show 627

Monday, February 20 (repeat): Guests include Michelle Obama and musical guest Stevie Wonder. OAD 1/11/17

Tuesday, February 21: Guests include Will Forte, Milo Ventimiglia and musical guest Future. Show 628

**Wednesday, February 22: Guests include Ariana Grande, Ken Jeong and Josh Johnson. Show 629

**Thursday, February 23: Guests include Susan Sarandon, Elijah Wood and musical guest Little Big Town. Charlie Wilson sits-in with The Roots. Show 630

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: FEBRUARY 15 – FEBRUARY 22

Wednesday, February 15: Guests include Gwen Stefani, Dane DeHaan, Damien Chazelle and musical guest Maggie Rogers. Show 625

**Thursday, February 16: Guests include Jessica Biel, Ricky Martin, Robert Irwin and musical guest Rag’n’Bone Man. Chad Smith sits-in with The Roots. Show 626

Friday, February 17: Guests include Joel McHale, Zoe Kravitz and musical guest Ryan Adams. Show 627

**Monday, February 20 (repeat): Guests include Michelle Obama and musical guest Stevie Wonder. OAD 1/11/17

 Tuesday, February 21: Guests include Will Forte, Milo Ventimiglia and musical guest Future. Show 628

**Wednesday, February 22: Guests include Ariana Grande, Ken Jeong and musical guest Ariana Grande. Show 629

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' February 6 – February 10

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.6.17  
From the Super Bowl Champion New England Patriots, we have Bill Belichick and Julian Edelman on the show tonight! Julian is really excited to be here, and Bill is...also here. (BELICHICK) “We’re just taking it one interview at a time.”

Congratulations to the New England Patriots, who won their fifth Super Bowl last night. You can tell they’ve won a lot, because when the commissioner presented the trophy, they said, “Just throw it in the car.”

One sports writer noticed that the Cavs won after being down 3-1 in the NBA Finals, the Cubs won after being down 3-1 in the World Series, and the Patriots won the Super Bowl by scoring 31 straight points. Then his Tinder date went to the restroom and never came back.
Last night was also the first Super Bowl to ever go into overtime. Millions of Americans were like, “Great! MORE awkward small talk with my brother-in-law.” “So, what ELSE do you do for a living?”

That’s right, it was the first Super Bowl to ever go into overtime. Which means, right when George H.W. Bush was getting in bed, they called and said, "We need you for another coin toss!”

This was kind of funny. During last night’s game, a Patriots player and a Falcons player actually got their helmets stuck together. You know they're both thinking, "Why can't you be Tom Brady?"

Tom Brady won his fifth Super Bowl, and his fourth Super Bowl MVP award. Or as he put it, “Maybe I WILL go to my high school reunion this year.”

Check this out. I saw that the world's most expensive Lego brick made out of 14-carat gold just sold online for 15,000 dollars. The new owner says he's pleased to add it to his collection aaaaand it just got vacuumed up by his mom.

And finally, I saw that “Fifty Shades Darker” just released a new immersive virtual-reality experience that claims to take you inside the movie. Or as wives everywhere put it, “Here’s my credit card, why don’t you and the kids go to the mall for a couple hours?”
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.7.17 

Today, the Senate officially confirmed Betsy DeVos as Education Secretary, with a vote of 51 to 50. Or as Trump calls that, (TRUMP) "A landslide!”

It was actually a 50/50 tie vote that was broken by the Vice President. Which makes the vote for Education Secretary the only place where a 51 is a passing grade.
And there were even reports this week that President Trump also likes to watch TV while sitting around in a bathrobe. But his press secretary Sean Spicer denies this, saying he doesn’t think the president even owns a bathrobe. Meanwhile, everyone in America is like, "Stop making us picture Donald Trump in a bathrobe!" (TRUMP) “Sorry it keeps coming untied! Oops!”
And the New York Times reports that Trump is apparently obsessed with the decor in the White House. Though there was one awkward moment when he spent five minutes dusting a statue before he realized it was Mike Pence. (PENCE) “Didn’t want to disturb you.”
Let’s get to some sports. Today, the Patriots celebrated their big Super Bowl win up in Boston! But I read that Tom Brady is still trying to track down his jersey that went missing after the game. Then O.J. said, "Whatever you do, just don't try to STEAL it back." (Didn't work out so great for me.)

And I read that since her Super Bowl Halftime Show, Lady Gaga's sales have increased by 1,000 percent. While sales of bedazzled shoulder-pad leotards have...remained exactly the same.

Some more celebrity news. I saw that Kylie Minogue won a legal battle against Kylie Jenner over the trademark of the name "Kylie." Yeah, the judge called the case, “Not why I went to law school.”

Here’s a local story. It was announced that Playboy is reopening its club in New York City after closing down three decades ago. And you can tell it's the Playboy club, cuz it's hidden underneath a mattress store.
And finally, I saw that Merriam-Webster dictionary added over 1,000 new words today, including the word "photobomb". They didn’t WANT to add “photobomb,” but it jumped in at the last second and kinda ruined the dictionary.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.8.17 
A huge snowstorm is heading towards New York. So, the good news is - we have a great show, the better news is, you're all spending the night here. 

Actually the snowstorm is hitting the entire Northeast. In fact, Boston Public Schools have already announced that they'll be closed tomorrow. Kids in Boston were like, "Are you kidding? We haven't been to school since the Patriots won the Super Bowl!"

Well, let’s get to some news here. I saw that this morning, President Trump actually went on Twitter to criticize Nordstrom for dropping his daughter Ivanka's line and treating her unfairly. And while Trump's tweeting about a department store, a lot of people are wondering what the return policy is for presidents.
But it seems like every day, Trump’s upset about something else. And I guess now, and this is real, he’s complaining that the hand towels on Air Force One are not soft enough. Then the flight attendant said, “Sir, that’s my skirt.”

Of course another big story is Trump’s travel ban. And earlier today, he defended the ban by saying quote, “even a bad high school student” would support it. Then Betsy DeVos said, “And thanks to me, we’ll have PLENTY of those!

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.9.17  
Today, the East Coast was hit with a major snow storm, and it forced New York City public schools to close. When she heard that, the new Education Secretary Betsy DeVos was like, "Hey, my plan is working already!”
But it was pretty crazy out there. In fact, today I saw that a woman was spotted cross country skiing on New York City's West Side Highway. Apparently, when her kids told her they had a snow day, she was like, "I GOTTA GET TO WORK!”

I saw that Nordstrom's stock went up after President Trump attacked them on Twitter for dropping Ivanka's clothing line. Then RadioShack said, "Would you mind attacking US??” (We ALSO refuse to sell her clothing!)
A lot of us can relate to this. Shaquille O'Neal says that he is trying to eat healthier, and has cut soda, bread, sandwiches, and fast food out of his diet. When asked what he's eating instead, he said, (SHAQ) "Mostly trees.”
And this is pretty crazy. I read about a woman in Colorado who quit her job because she was feeling burned out, and then won over three million dollars from the lottery a few days later. And I think the big lesson from this story is: don’t try and learn any lessons from this story.

Some news for travelers. I read that the Baltimore airport just got a gym where you can work out while you wait for a flight. Finally combining the two things Americans love most: waiting in airports and exercise.
That’s right, there’s a fitness center at the Baltimore airport.  So now instead of just sitting around during long layovers, you can spend that time feeling guilty about not going to the gym.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.10.17  
I saw that today at the White House, President Trump had lunch with Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe. And out of respect for the Prime Minister, Trump decided to eat his Doritos using chopsticks.

And President Trump actually greeted Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe with a hug. Trump said he would have bowed, but it wasn't like he was meeting Vladimir Putin or anything.

But the big story is that last night, three federal judges unanimously ruled against reinstating Trump's immigration ban. Even worse for Trump, all three judges were wearing robes from Nordstrom.

And get this. There are rumors that President Trump could appoint Sarah Palin as the U.S. ambassador to Canada. Palin said she's flattered, but she doesn't really want to move to Europe.

That’s right, Trump could appoint Sarah Palin as the Ambassador to Canada. Which explains why now, CANADA’S building a wall.

Hey, I want to say congratulations to George and Amal Clooney who are expecting twins! George was really surprised - cuz he thought he was done with twins once he got married.

Let’s get to some sports. I saw that Major League Baseball is considering a rule change that would put a runner on second base at the start of extra innings. Which explains their new slogan: "Major League Baseball: Even We Get Bored From Baseball."

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: FEBRUARY 14 – FEBRUARY 21

Tuesday, February 14: Guests include Charlie Day, Kendall Jenner and musical guest NxWorries. Show 624

 Wednesday, February 15: Guests include Gwen Stefani, Dane DeHaan, Damien Chazelle and musical guest Maggie Rogers. Show 625

 **Thursday, February 16: Guests include Ethan Hawke, Ricky Martin, Robert Irwin and musical guest Rag’n’Bone Man. Chad Smith sits-in with The Roots. Show 626

 Friday, February 17: Guests include Joel McHale, Zoe Kravitz and musical guest Ryan Adams. Show 627

 Monday, February 20: Repeat TBD

**Tuesday, February 21: Guests include Will Forte, Milo Ventimiglia and musical guest Future. Show 628

These listings are subject to change.
 **denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: FEBRUARY 13 – FEBRUARY 20

Monday, February 13: Guests include Magic Johnson, Luke Wilson and Roy Wood Jr. Show 623

Tuesday, February 14: Guests include Charlie Day, Kendall Jenner and musical guest NxWorries. Show 624

Wednesday, February 15: Guests include Gwen Stefani, Dane DeHaan, Damien Chazelle and musical guest Maggie Rogers. Show 625

**Thursday, February 16: Guests include Ethan Hawke, Ricky Martin, Robert Irwin and musical guest Rag’n’Bone Man. Show 626

Friday, February 17: Guests include Joel McHale, Zoe Kravitz and musical guest Ryan Adams. Show 627

**Monday, February 20: Repeat TBD

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: FEBRUARY 10 – FEBRUARY 17

Friday, February 10: Guests include Lena Dunham, Common and Kate Berlant & John Early. Show 622

Monday, February 13: Guests include Magic Johnson, Luke Wilson and Roy Wood Jr. Show 623

Tuesday, February 14: Guests include Charlie Day, Kendall Jenner and musical guest NxWorries. Show 624

Wednesday, February 15: Guests include Gwen Stefani, Dane DeHaan, Damien Chazelle and musical guest Maggie Rogers. Show 625

**Thursday, February 16: Guests include Robert Irwin and Rag’n’Bone Man. Show 626

**Friday, February 17: Guests include Joel McHale, Zoe Kravitz and musical guest Ryan Adams. Show 627

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: FEBRUARY 9 – FEBRUARY 16

Thursday, February 9: Guests include Alec Baldwin, JoAnna Garcia Swisher and musical guest Future Islands. Nathan East sits-in with The Roots. Show 621

Friday, February 10: Guests include Lena Dunham, Common and Kate Berlant & John Early. Show 622

Monday, February 13: Guests include Magic Johnson, Luke Wilson and Roy Wood Jr. Show 623

Tuesday, February 14: Guests include Charlie Day, Kendall Jenner and musical guest NxWorries. Show 624

Wednesday, February 15: Guests include Gwen Stefani, Dane DeHaan, Damien Chazelle and musical guest Maggie Rogers. Show 625

**Thursday, February 16: Guests include Madonna, Robert Irwin and musical guest Rag’n’Bone Man. Show 626

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

UPDATE:"THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON" LISTINGS: FEB. 7-14

Please note Friday, February 10 corrected. 
Tuesday, February 7: Guests include Ice Cube, Rosamund Pike and musical guest The Band Perry. Show 619

Wednesday, February 8: Guests include Seth Meyers, Dev Patel and musical guest Kid Cudi. Show 620

Thursday, February 9: Guests include Alec Baldwin, JoAnna Garcia Swisher and musical guest Future Islands. Nathan East sits-in with The Roots. Show 621

**Friday, February 10: Guests include Lena Dunham, Common and Kate Berlant & John Early. Show 622

Monday, February 13: Guests include Magic Johnson, Luke Wilson and Roy Wood Jr. Show 623

Tuesday, February 14: Guests include Charlie Day, Kendall Jenner and musical guest NxWorries. Show 624

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: FEBRUARY 7 – FEBRUARY 14

Tuesday, February 7: Guests include Ice Cube, Rosamund Pike and musical guest The Band Perry. Show 619

Wednesday, February 8: Guests include Seth Meyers, Dev Patel and musical guest Kid Cudi. Show 620

Thursday, February 9: Guests include Alec Baldwin, JoAnna Garcia Swisher and musical guest Future Islands. Nathan East sits-in with The Roots. Show 621

Friday, February 10: Guests include Lena Dunham, Common and Kate Berlant & John Early. Show 622

Monday, February 13: Guests include Magic Johnson, Luke Wilson and Roy Wood Jr. Show 623

**Tuesday, February 14: Guests include Charlie Day, Kendall Jenner and musical guest NxWorries. Show 624

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' January 30   – February 3

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.30.17  
Here in New York thousands of people showed up at JFK airport over the weekend to protest Trump's immigration ban. People who were actually at the protests said, “This is awful.” While people at LaGuardia were like, "You think you got it bad. We're at LaGuardia.”

And after Senate Minority Leader Chuck Schumer got emotional while protesting Trump’s travel ban, Trump accused him of fake crying. Then Melania said, “Trust me, he doesn't know when someone is "faking it.”
And while all this was going on, yesterday at the White House, Trump hosted a screening of the movie “Finding Dory.” Trump said he actually related more to “Finding Nemo” because that was about an orange and white cartoon.

Some celebrity news. In a new interview, Matthew McConaughey said that if he weren’t an actor, he’d be a teacher or an astronaut. Or more likely: an Uber driver who spends the whole ride talking to himself. (MCCONAUGHEY) “Are we really people?”

Get this. I saw that a group of inmates in California filmed a YouTube video from prison where they vowed to help El Chapo escape. El Chapo was excited to  watch it, but then a thirty second ad popped up and he was like, "Ugh - forget it." (I don’t have time for this.)

I saw that Tostitos is coming out with a limited edition bag that actually doubles as a breathalyzer. Here’s how it works: if you’re breathing into a bag of Tostitos, you’re probably drunk.  

You guys, the 65th annual Miss Universe Pageant was last night! And this is amazing - it was the 65th year in a row that the winner was from Earth.

And last night, Miss Kenya said that she thinks President Trump has actually done a lot to unify the U.S. Trump was so happy with Miss Kenya, he started a rumor that she was born in America.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.31.17 
Here’s what people are talking about. Of course it’s still this controversial immigration ban from President Trump. Over in the UK, a British politician argued that even Jesus would have been turned away from the U.S. under Trump’s policies. Then Trump said, (TRUMP) "Only if he went by Jesús." That doesn’t make it right.
And even people connected to Trump are taking some heat. Like Disney CEO Bob Iger who’s facing criticism for being part of a Trump advisory committee. Meanwhile, Aladdin has been stuck in customs at JFK since Saturday. You’d think he’d just take the carpet.
Actually, get this. A psychologist at Johns Hopkins University says he believes that President Trump suffers from “malignant narcissism.” The condition is actually treatable, but unfortunately, Trump JUST missed the deadline for Obamacare.

But the big story is that Trump announced his nominee for the Supreme Court tonight. And CNN reported that Trump's administration took quote "extraordinary measures" to keep the pick secret until his announcement. Yeah, they did that by NOT telling Trump.

Of course, we’re just five days away from Super Bowl 51! And a new poll finds that the majority of Americans want the Atlanta Falcons to win. But lately we've learned that it doesn’t really matter what the majority of Americans want.

But get this, Tom Brady said that he’s banned his dad from talking to the media after he spoke out against NFL commissioner Roger Goodell. Tom is so embarrassed, this Sunday he’s making his dad drop him off a block away from the Super Bowl. (“I’ll meet you after the game DAD!")

Guys here’s a little tech news. Blackberry just announced that it’s releasing a new phone next month that has a physical keyboard. Experts are calling it the biggest tech news of 2006.

And finally, kind of a crazy story. I read that seven bricks of cocaine were discovered in the nose of an American Airlines plane that was undergoing maintenance. Officials knew something was up when the plane was supposed to land in Florida, but kept going to Mars.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.1.17 
Well you guys, it's the first day of February! Which of course is the shortest month, with just 28 days -- as opposed to January, which felt like it had 200.
Let’s get to some news here. Last night, President Trump nominated Colorado appeals judge Neil Gorsuch to the Supreme Court. That’s right he’s from Colorado – which explains his most famous case: Regular Funyuns vs. Flamin’ Hot Funyuns. (STONER) “I hereby rule that they’re BOTH awesome!”

We’re now learning a little bit more about Neil Gorsuch. For instance, I read that he actually has a barn where he raises horses, chickens, and goats. That experience will come in handy when he spends the rest of his life sidestepping all the crap in Washington.

And listen to this. Ahead of last night’s big Supreme Court announcement, President Trump brought both of his top two candidates to the White House. Trump said, (TRUMP) “One of you will be the nominee, and the other will go home crying in the back of a limo.”

Actually, a source told Us Weekly that Melania Trump is going to wait until later in the year to decide if she'll move to Washington. She said it depends on a lot of factors - like if her husband is still president.

Yesterday, President Trump called Rudy Giuliani quote “very much of an expert on cybersecurity.” Which is true, if that sentence ended with, (TRUMP) “Compared to me.”

This is very interesting. According to a new survey, 41 percent of Americans think God plays a role in U.S. elections. Then God said, “Actually, I just focus on football and “The Bachelor.”

Of course, everyone’s still gearing up for Super Bowl 51. And according to the National Chicken Council, Americans will eat over a billion chicken wings on Super Bowl Sunday. And as many as three pieces of celery. (DUMB GUY) “Gotta balance it out with some nutrition!”
This is kind of weird. On Friday, police in Washington state stopped a man who was jogging nude around Microsoft's campus in the middle of the night. When witnesses were asked to describe the suspect, they said, “Micro...soft.”

Get this. A new study suggests that your life really does flash before your eyes when you have a near death experience. They said you see your first kiss, your wedding day...aaand the rest is just you on Facebook.
That’s right, new research suggests that your life really does flash before your eyes right before you die. Some people said that's pretty scary, while Hugh Hefner said, “I can’t wait!”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.2.17  
You guys, today is Groundhog Day! I saw this morning, Punxsutawney Phil came out and saw his shadow – which means Trump is gonna start fights with six more countries.  

Trump is causing all kinds of trouble this week. In fact, I saw that Israel just had to apologize to Mexico after their Prime Minister tweeted support for Trump’s border wall. So not only has Trump failed to solve the Middle East conflict - somehow he’s dragged Mexico into the middle of it.

White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer announced that four reporters would receive "Skype Seats" for press briefings rather than being there in person. Spicer said he’d pick the four reporters at random, then said, (POINTING) “CNN, BuzzFeed, New York Times, and Telemundo!” (PERIOD!)

Hey guys I saw that Hooters is opening a new chain of restaurants called "Hoots," where they’re ditching the revealing outfits, they’re gonna have MALE servers…annnnd they just went out of business.

And finally, this is pretty cool. It was announced yesterday that the 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo will make all of its medals from recycled cell phones. While they’re gonna make the Olympic torch out of a Samsung Galaxy.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.3.17  
You guys, we’re just two days away from Super Bowl 51! I don’t know about you, but I’m just glad to see a major event where nobody argues about the size of the crowd. (TRUMP) “A bajillion people there.”

But get this. Tom Brady said his kids told him the Atlanta Falcons are really good, and they’re not sure he can beat them. In response, Brady said, “Monsters are real and they live under your bed. Goodnight!”

And I read that this will be the first time the Falcons and the Patriots have faced off in the Super Bowl. It’s also the first time a Lady Gaga fan has watched a football game.

During a press conference yesterday, Lady Gaga said not to worry about any wardrobe malfunctions during her Halftime Show. Of course, most people are trying to figure out what a wardrobe malfunction with Lady Gaga would even look like. "Ohh no...oh? That SHOULD be there? No, that slab of meat is SUPPOSED to be there."
I read that this year’s Super Bowl commercials will feature fewer celebrity endorsements, because they’re not as effective as previously thought. When asked how they figured that out, ad executives said, “Uh...Hillary Clinton told us.”

And listen to this. Indianapolis Colts punter Pat McAfee is leaving football and his three million dollar contract to pursue a career in comedy. One of his teammates said, “Good luck,” while the rest said, “We were paying our punter THREE MILLION DOLLARS!? The Punter?!”
Some news out of Washington. I saw that today, President Trump met with the CEO of Pepsi. They actually have something in common - they’re both America’s second-most popular choice. (You’re out of Coke? I’ll take Pepsi.)

Here’s some good news. It just came out that the economy added 227,000 jobs in January. It was mostly riot police, but still...that’s jobs!

And the Mexican drug lord El Chapo appeared in federal court in Brooklyn today, where his lawyers complained that his prison conditions are too harsh. Yeah, they said he has a tiny cell with a toilet right in the middle of the room - then New Yorkers said, "What's the rent?"

‘TONIGHT SHOW’ LISTINGS UPDATE: SUPER BOWL LI CHAMPIONS JULIAN EDELMAN & COACH BILL BELICHICK ADDED MONDAY, FEB. 6

**Monday, February 6: Guests include Super Bowl LI Champions Julian Edelman & Coach Bill Belichick, Tom Selleck, Joe Jonas and musical guest Kelsea Ballerini. Show 618

Tuesday, February 7: Guests include Ice Cube, Rosamund Pike and musical guest The Band Perry. Show 619

Wednesday, February 8: Guests include Seth Meyers, Dev Patel and musical guest Kid Cudi. Show 620

Thursday, February 9: Guests include Alec Baldwin, JoAnna Garcia Swisher and musical guest Future Islands. Nathan East sits-in with The Roots. Show 621

**Friday, February 10: Guests include Lena Dunham, Common and Kate Berlant & John Early. Show 622

**Monday, February 13: Guests include Magic Johnson, Luke Wilson and Roy Wood Jr. Show 623

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: FEBRUARY 3 – FEBRUARY 10

Friday, February 3: Guests include Gordon Ramsay, Alessia Cara and The Experts From Ask This Old House. Show 617

Monday, February 6: Guests include Tom Selleck, Joe Jonas and musical guest Kelsea Ballerini. Show 618

Tuesday, February 7: Guests include Ice Cube, Rosamund Pike and musical guest The Band Perry. Show 619

Wednesday, February 8: Guests include Seth Meyers, Dev Patel and musical guest Kid Cudi. Show 620

Thursday, February 9: Guests include Alec Baldwin, JoAnna Garcia Swisher and musical guest Future Islands. Nathan East sits-in with The Roots. Show 621

**Friday, February 10: Guests include Lena Dunham, Common, Kate Berlant & John Early and musical guest Ed Sheeran. Show 622

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: FEBRUARY 2 – FEBRUARY 9

Thursday, February 2: Guests include Kristen Stewart, Dan Rather and musical guest Big Sean. Show 616

Friday, February 3: Guests include Gordon Ramsay, Alessia Cara and The Experts From Ask This Old House. Show 617

Monday, February 6: Guests include Tom Selleck, Joe Jonas and musical guest Kelsea Ballerini. Show 618

Tuesday, February 7: Guests include Ice Cube, Rosamund Pike and musical guest The Band Perry. Show 619

Wednesday, February 8: Guests include Seth Meyers, Dev Patel and musical guest Kid Cudi. Show 620

**Thursday, February 9: Guests include Alec Baldwin, JoAnna Garcia Swisher and musical guest Future Islands. Nathan East sits-in with The Roots. Show 621

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: FEBRUARY 1 – FEBRUARY 8

Wednesday, February 1: Guests include Keanu Reeves, Judd Apatow and musical guest The Lumineers. Show 615

Thursday, February 2: Guests include Kristen Stewart, Dan Rather and musical guest Big Sean. Show 616

Friday, February 3: Guests include Gordon Ramsay, Alessia Cara and The Experts From Ask This Old House. Show 617

Monday, February 6: Guests include Tom Selleck, Joe Jonas and musical guest Kelsea Ballerini. Show 618

Tuesday, February 7: Guests include Ice Cube, Rosamund Pike and musical guest The Band Perry. Show 619

**Wednesday, February 8: Guests include Seth Meyers, Dev Patel and musical guest Kid Cudi. Show 620

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JANUARY 31 – FEBRUARY 7

Tuesday, January 31: Guests include Dakota Johnson, Colin Hanks and musical guest UB40. Show 614

Wednesday, February 1: Guests include Keanu Reeves, Judd Apatow and musical guest The Lumineers. Show 615

Thursday, February 2: Guests include Kristen Stewart, Dan Rather and musical guest Big Sean. Show 616

Friday, February 3: Guests include Gordon Ramsay, Alessia Cara and The Experts From Ask This Old House. Show 617

Monday, February 6: Guests include Tom Selleck, Joe Jonas and musical guest Kelsea Ballerini. Show 618

**Tuesday, February 7: Guests include Ice Cube, Rosamund Pike and musical guest The Band Perry. Show 619

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JANUARY 30 – FEBRUARY 6

Monday, January 30: Guests include Ricky Gervais, Vanessa Hudgens and musical guest Noah Cyrus ft. Labrinth. Show 613

Tuesday, January 31: Guests include Dakota Johnson, Colin Hanks and musical guest UB40. Show 614

Wednesday, February 1: Guests include Keanu Reeves, Judd Apatow and musical guest The Lumineers. Show 615

Thursday, February 2: Guests include Kristen Stewart, Dan Rather and musical guest Big Sean. Show 616

Friday, February 3: Guests include Gordon Ramsay, Alessia Cara and The Experts From Ask This Old House. Show 617

**Monday, February 6: Guests include Tom Selleck, Joe Jonas and musical guest Kelsea Ballerini. Show 618

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' January 23   – January 27

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.23.17  
This is pretty exciting you guys! Even though our studio can only hold 200 people, Donald Trump’s press secretary says we've got two MILLION people here tonight! (New record!)

Well, we’re just a few days into Donald Trump’s presidency. And I don’t know what Trump’s fitness initiative is, but because of him, millions of women got their steps in this weekend.

That’s right, the Women’s March on Washington was on Saturday, and it had three times as many people as Trump’s inauguration. When he was told there were hundreds of thousands of women outside the White House, Trump said, (TRUMP) “Wow, this Trump cologne REALLY WORKS.”

Actually, I saw that yesterday was Donald and Melania Trump’s 12th wedding anniversary. When asked what the traditional 12th anniversary gift is, Trump said, (TRUMP) “I don’t know, I’ve never made it this far.” (I made history TWICE this weekend!)

But Trump’s Press Secretary Sean Spicer had a rough time during his first press briefing on Saturday, where he appeared to lie about the size of Trump’s inauguration crowd. Another Trump advisor Kellyanne Conway actually tried to defend him, saying that he just gave quote, “alternative facts.” Then people asked HER, "Are you alternative sober??"

That’s right, “Alternative Facts.” That sounds like a course at Trump University.

But Trump’s already settling in. In fact on Friday, the White House changed the curtains and the rug in the Oval Office. Then Trump said that wasn’t what he meant when he asked his secretary, “Does the carpet match the drapes?”

And some big movie news.  Today it was announced that the title of the next "Star Wars" film will be "The Last Jedi.” Then the film after that will be called, “Oh Wait, We Found Another Jedi!”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.24.17 
Let’s get to some news. I saw that ABC will air a primetime special with President Trump tomorrow night, marking his first interview since taking office. Even though the interview hasn’t even aired yet, Trump is already claiming it was watched by a billion people.
And today, President Trump signed executive orders to continue construction on the controversial Keystone and Dakota Access oil pipelines.  Yeah, I guess he hasn’t seen a massive protest since Saturday and kinda misses it.

And check this out. "Rolling Stone" just did a big profile on Vice President Mike Pence, and revealed that Pence grew up with a cornfield in his backyard. I guess at times, he even heard a voice coming from it that said (WHISPER) "If you build it...Mexico won't pay for it.”
This weekend's big box office winner was "Split," starring James McAvoy as a man with multiple personalities. When asked how he felt about the film’s success, McAvoy said, (HAPPY) “It’s great!” (SAD) “Coulda been better.” (EXCITED) “Can’t wait for a sequel!” (ANGRY) “I'd never do a sequel!” 

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.25.17 
Of course President Trump is still settling into the White House and get this, I read that Trump’s gold curtains in the Oval Office are the same ones Hillary picked out for Bill Clinton in 1993. So she may not be president, but Hillary still figured out a way to throw some shade.
And according to a source close to Trump, his staff is trying to get him to watch less TV, which he often does when he's bored. Trump will be the only president in history who’s given an iPad during State Dinners to keep him from squirming. (PARENT) “Don’t draw on the table cloth!!”

But Trump is trying to get down to business. In fact, he met with the CEOs of General Motors, Ford, and Chrysler this week, to try and convince them to make more cars in the US. In fact he even pitched them the idea for new car...“The Really, Really Smart Car (Smarter Than You’d Ever Believe, That I Can Tell You.)”

This is pretty crazy. There are reports that Trump adviser Kellyanne Conway actually punched a guy while trying to break up a fight at Trump’s inaugural ball. Though she says it wasn’t a punch, it was an “alternative high-five.”
This is pretty cool. I saw that Arnold Schwarzenegger met Pope Francis at the Vatican today. When the pope heard it was the guy that said, “I’ll be back,” he said, “Oh, I was expecting someone else. Sorry.”

And finally, everyone’s starting to get excited for the Super Bowl between the Falcons and the Patriots. Also Lady Gaga will be doing the halftime show this year, and they’re saying that it could be the most expensive halftime show in history, at 10 million dollars. Then Three Doors Down was like, “We would’ve done it for free!”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.26.17  
It’s been nearly a week since President Trump took office. And I read that Trump’s White House is already stocked with his favorite snacks, including Lay’s potato chips and Doritos. So that makes one cabinet Trump's managed to fill. (TRUMP) “Has Congress confirmed my Ramen noodles yet? Chicken or beef, I don’t like the shrimp. Alright I’ll take the shrimp.”

Last night on ABC, Donald Trump gave his first interview since becoming president. And Trump said getting the nuclear codes was a very sobering moment for him. Which is interesting, cuz that's also the moment MOST people started drinking.

Trump also praised the White House, saying it has the most beautiful phones he's ever used in his life. Yeah, he says it really takes the sting out of being hung up on by other world leaders. (TRUMP, ON PHONE) "Are you there Merkel? Oh well, it’s a very nice phone.”

Actually, get this. CNN is reporting that North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un wants to meet with President Trump. You know things are crazy when even Kim Jong-Un is like, “I gotta see this for myself. I gotta check this thing out.” (TRUMP) “Would you like any Doritos?”

And Mexican President Enrique Peña Nieto canceled his trip to Washington after Trump signed an order to start construction on his border wall. Marking perhaps the only Mexican who’ll actually be kept out by it. (TRUMP) “I stopped ONE! That’s pretty good! I haven’t even built yet!”

This morning, President Trump went to Philadelphia, taking his first flight on Air Force One. And since this plane doesn't have his name on it, he spent 20 minutes on the tarmac pressing his keys trying to figure out which was his.

And listen to this. A new survey finds that nearly two-thirds of Americans have been affected by data theft or fraud. Yet, they STILL feel comfortable sharing their personal information with a stranger taking a survey. “I don’t know why this keeps happening to me!!”
And finally, it’s rumored that Apple is working on an enhanced version of Siri for the next iPhone. They say the new phone will be able to say “Sorry, I didn’t catch that” in over a dozen different voices.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.27.17  
You guys, we have Tom Brokaw on the show tonight! And this Sunday, NBC is airing a special highlighting his 50 years at the network. Tom began his career in a bygone era when the news people watched was actually TRUE!

Yesterday, President Trump announced that he'll pay for the border wall by placing a 20 percent tax on Mexican imports, like avocados. Which explains why every Super Bowl party this year will have a bouncer guarding the guacamole. (DEEP) "I don’t see your name on the list.”
And this morning, Trump and Mexican President Enrique Pena Nieto reportedly spoke on the phone for an hour. Trump said, (TRUMP) "I called him collect, so they're ALREADY paying for the wall!"

And I heard that a growing number of couples are incorporating marijuana into their weddings. When the priest asks them to say “I do,” they go, (STONED) “Do what?”

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JANUARY 27 – FEBRUARY 3

Friday, January 27: Guests include Drew Barrymore, Tom Brokaw and musical guest Parquet Courts. Show 612

Monday, January 30: Guests include Ricky Gervais, Vanessa Hudgens and musical guest Noah Cyrus ft. Labrinth. Show 613

Tuesday, January 31: Guests include Dakota Johnson, Colin Hanks and musical guest UB40. Show 614

Wednesday, February 1: Guests include Keanu Reeves, Judd Apatow and musical guest The Lumineers. Show 615

Thursday, February 2: Guests include Kristen Stewart, Dan Rather and musical guest Big Sean. Show 616

**Friday, February 3: Guests include Gordon Ramsay, Alessia Cara and The Experts From Ask This Old House. Show 617

These listings are subject to change.
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'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JANUARY 26 – FEBRUARY 2

Thursday, January 26: Guests include Danny DeVito, Brit Marling, Kid Advice Expert Ciro Ortiz and musical guest Jon Bellion. Show 611

Friday, January 27: Guests include Drew Barrymore, Tom Brokaw and musical guest Parquet Courts. Show 612

Monday, January 30: Guests include Ricky Gervais, Vanessa Hudgens and musical guest Noah Cyrus ft. Labrinth. Show 613

Tuesday, January 31: Guests include Dakota Johnson, Colin Hanks and musical guest UB40. Show 614

Wednesday, February 1: Guests include Keanu Reeves, Judd Apatow and musical guest The Lumineers. Show 615

**Thursday, February 2: Guests include Kristen Stewart, Dan Rather and musical guest Big Sean. Show 616

These listings are subject to change.
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'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JANUARY 25 – FEBRUARY 1

Wednesday, January 25: Guests include Glenn Close, Jay Baruchel and Candice Thompson. Show 610

**Thursday, January 26: Guests include Danny DeVito, Brit Marling, 12-Year-Old Advice Expert Ciro Ortiz and musical guest Jon Bellion. Show 611

Friday, January 27: Guests include Drew Barrymore, Tom Brokaw and musical guest Parquet Courts. Show 612

Monday, January 30: Guests include Ricky Gervais, Vanessa Hudgens and musical guest Noah Cyrus ft. Labrinth. Show 613

Tuesday, January 31: Guests include Dakota Johnson, Colin Hanks and musical guest UB40. Show 614

**Wednesday, February 1: Guests include Keanu Reeves, Judd Apatow and musical guests THE LUMINEERS. Show 615

These listings are subject to change.
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'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JANUARY 24 – JANUARY 31

Tuesday, January 24: Guests include Mike Myers, Tim Ferriss and musical guests Steve Aoki & Louis Tomlinson. Show 609

Wednesday, January 25: Guests include Glenn Close, Jay Baruchel and Candice Thompson. Show 610

Thursday, January 26: Guests include Danny DeVito, Brit Marling, Kid Advice Expert Ciro Ortiz and musical guest Jon Bellion. Show 611

Friday, January 27: Guests include Drew Barrymore, Tom Brokaw and musical guest Parquet Courts. Show 612

Monday, January 30: Guests include Ricky Gervais, Vanessa Hudgens and musical guest Noah Cyrus ft. Labrinth. Show 613

**Tuesday, January 31: Guests include Dakota Johnson, Colin Hanks and musical guest UB40. Show 614

These listings are subject to change.
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'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JANUARY 23 – JANUARY 30

Monday, January 23: Guests include Cate Blanchett, Hugh Dancy and musical guest Cobi. Show 608

Tuesday, January 24: Guests include Mike Myers, Tim Ferriss and musical guests Steve Aoki & Louis Tomlinson. Show 609

Wednesday, January 25: Guests include Glenn Close, Jay Baruchel and Candice Thompson. Show 610

Thursday, January 26: Guests include Danny DeVito, Brit Marling, Kid Advice Expert Ciro Ortiz and musical guest Jon Bellion. Show 611

Friday, January 27: Guests include Drew Barrymore, Tom Brokaw and musical guest Parquet Courts. Show 612

**Monday, January 30: Guests include Ricky Gervais, Vanessa Hudgens and musical guest Noah Cyrus ft. Labrinth. Show 613

These listings are subject to change.
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QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' January 16 – January 20

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.16.17  
We’re just a few days away from Donald Trump’s inauguration, and I saw that Trump himself is selling Inauguration sweatshirts for 79 dollars. I know it sounds expensive for a sweatshirt, but just imagine how much they would’ve cost if they were made in America. (TRUMP) “Chyna!”

Actually, I read that Donald Trump raised a record 90 million dollars in private donations to pay for his inauguration. Trump said, (TRUMP) “Just another ten million and we can cover my appearance fee.”

Let’s get to some sports. Last night, the Green Bay Packers beat the Dallas Cowboys in the NFL playoffs by kicking a game-winning field goal as time expired. The Packers were so excited, they promised the kicker they’d learn his name before their next game. (“Great job…man!”)

Oh, this is pretty funny. I read about a man in Virginia who paid the DMV his 3,000-dollar fine in pennies, and it took the workers 12 hours to count them all. And that line STILL moved faster than the one you were waiting in.

And finally, some TV news. Last night, “The Young Pope” premiered on HBO. You can tell this Pope is young, because when people say, “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned,” he just goes, “K.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.17.17 
Of course people are talking about the inauguration coming up and all the protestors. Get this, Donald Trump's inaugural committee is actually encouraging protesters to show up on Friday, saying quote, "We'll give you cookies and Kool-Aid." Then Republicans in Congress were like, “Actually, we drank all the Kool-Aid.”

But there’s already been a bit of a setback for Trump. The Bruce Springsteen cover band, “The B Street Band,” says it will no longer perform during Trump’s inauguration. Then Trump said, (TRUMP) "Okay - get me a Springsteen cover band COVER band!" (The Z Street Band!)

Let’s get to some sports. On Sunday, a Facebook Live video of Pittsburgh Steelers coach Mike Tomlin trash talking the New England Patriots went viral. But Patriots coach Bill Belichick didn't seem too bothered by it, telling a Boston radio station, quote, "I’m not on SnapFace and all that.” “SnapFace.” Belichick went on to say… "If Tomlin wants to come at me on Instagoogle, that's his business. We'll settle this on the field, not Skypee, MyFace, or TubeBook. But please follow me on Pinterest for tips on how to update your home interiors for Spring! K Byee"

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.18.17 
Guys, we have James McAvoy on the show tonight! He stars in the new movie “Split,” which is about a man with 24 different personalities. As opposed to the other way to see a guy deal with over 20 crazy personalities,  watching an episode of "The Bachelor."

It was actually pretty chilly today here in New York -  just 38 degrees. Coincidentally, 38 degrees is a 98 Degrees cover band that also turned down performing at Trump’s inauguration.

This is interesting. It's reported that Donald Trump will use two Bibles when he takes the oath of office. When asked why, he said, (TRUMP) "In case my hand burns through the first one."

I read that the Marriott Marquis in Washington D.C. has a 75,000-dollar Inauguration package that includes 24-hour champagne service. People said, “Who needs to drink through the whole inauguration?” then Hillary was like, (DRUNK) “Stop talkin’ and pour!”

And did you hear this? After he’s sworn in on Friday, Donald Trump said he’s actually taking the weekend off.  Then Obama said, (OBAMA) “Uh...Donald, I think you’re looking at MY schedule.” (You’re “president” like ALL THE TIME.)

And this is pretty crazy. Scientists recently discovered that a certain kind of female has developed the ability to have babies by herself, without a male. So good news everybody, this summer, male sharks are gonna be angrier than ever!

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.19.17  
Well you guys, tomorrow is the Presidential Inauguration. People from all across the country will be there, but don't worry if you can’t make it -- the president will be live-tweeting the whole thing.

Actually, I read that Donald Trump apparently wrote a draft of his inauguration speech himself. They're a little worried though, because while he was writing he kept yelling to his secretary, (TRUMP) “Is ‘boobs’ spelled with two O’s or three?”

And get this, I read that one of the DJ's at Donald Trump's inauguration celebration tonight used to be Hugh Hefner's personal DJ. When asked how he became a DJ for both Hugh Hefner and Donald Trump, he said, “I’m not a very good DJ.”

But this is interesting. Donald Trump has reportedly asked 50 senior Obama officials to stay under his administration. Yep, they include national security advisor Brett McGurk, DEA official Chuck Rosenberg, and President Barack Obama. (TRUMP) "I'll come by once a week just to check in.” (Maybe less.)

This is kind of nice. I read that Donald Trump’s daughter Ivanka recently spoke with Michelle Obama, and the conversation lasted a whole hour. Finally Michelle was like, “Okay Ivanka! I’ll buy the damn purse!”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.20.17  
Of course, today Donald Trump was sworn in as the 45th President of the United States. Some people watched it on TV, some people watched it on the internet, and many people watched it like this (HANDS COVERING FACE, PEEK THROUGH FINGERS)

At the ceremony, Trump repeated each line of the Oath after Chief Justice John Roberts said it. Then Trump was like, (TRUMP) "Wait, now who's president, you or me?" ("Both of us?")

And listen to this. I read that Donald Trump had to give up his old cell phone, and switch to a new phone issued to him by the Secret Service. Which is why today Trump answered his phone by saying (TRUMP) “New president, who dis?” 

And I heard that only about 10,000 people went to Donald Trump's inauguration concert last night. More people would have been there, but when they showed up, they were told the concert was "Three Doors Down."
And this is kinda crazy, but I saw that according to a new report, the most common password in 2016 was “123456.” And we’re STILL wondering how the Russians managed to hack us. (RUSSIAN) “If that doesn’t work, try ‘password.”

And finally, here’s some good news you guys. This week, NBC announced that “Will & Grace” will return for 10 episodes! But I read that the apartment where “Will & Grace” lived would cost over 6,500 dollars a month in today’s rent prices. Which explains the show's NEW title: "Will & Grace...and Jeff & Pete & Mark & Jennifer & Katie." (Should be enough to cover it.)

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JANUARY 20 – JANUARY 27

Friday, January 20: Guests include James Spader, Big Sean, Kevin Delaney and musical guest Marian Hill. Show 607

Monday, January 23: Guests include Cate Blanchett, Hugh Dancy and musical guest Cobi. Show 608

Tuesday, January 24: Guests include Mike Myers, Tim Ferriss and musical guests Steve Aoki & Louis Tomlinson. Show 609

Wednesday, January 25: Guests include Glenn Close, Jay Baruchel and Candice Thompson. Show 610

Thursday, January 26: Guests include Danny DeVito, Brit Marling, Kid Advice Expert Ciro Ortiz and musical guest Jon Bellion. Show 611

**Friday, January 27: Guests include Drew Barrymore, Tom Brokaw and musical guest Parquet Courts. Show 612

These listings are subject to change.
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'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JANUARY 19 – JANUARY 26

Thursday, January 19: Guests include Aziz Ansari, Carrie Brownstein and musical guest Panic! at the Disco. Show 606

**Friday, January 20: Guests include James Spader, Big Sean, Kevin Delaney and musical guest Marian Hill. Show 607

Monday, January 23: Guests include Cate Blanchett, Hugh Dancy and musical guest Cobi. Show 608

Tuesday, January 24: Guests include Mike Myers, Tim Ferriss and musical guests Steve Aoki & Louis Tomlinson. Show 609

Wednesday, January 25: Guests include Glenn Close, Jay Baruchel and Candice Thompson. Show 610

**Thursday, January 26: Guests include Danny DeVito, Brit Marling, Kid Advice Expert Ciro Ortiz and musical guest Jon Bellion. Show 611

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JANUARY 18 – JANUARY 25

Wednesday, January 18: Guests include James McAvoy, Nick Offerman and musical guest Kings of Leon. Nick Valensi sits-in with The Roots. Show 605

Thursday, January 19: Guests include Aziz Ansari and Carrie Brownstein and musical guest Panic! at the Disco. Show 606

Friday, January 20: Guests include James Spader, JoAnna Garcia Swisher and Kevin Delany. Show 607

Monday, January 23: Guests include Cate Blanchett, Hugh Dancy and musical guest Cobi. Show 608

Tuesday, January 24: Guests include Mike Myers, Tim Ferriss and musical guest Steve Aoki and Louis Tomlinson. Show 609

**Wednesday, January 25. Guests include Glenn Close, Jay Baruchel and Candice Thompson. Show 610

These listings are subject to change.
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'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JANUARY 17 – JANUARY 24


Tuesday, January 17: Guests include Michael Keaton, Nina Dobrev and musical guest The XX. Show 604

Wednesday, January 18: Guests include James McAvoy, Nick Offerman and musical guest Kings of Leon. Nick Valensi sits-in with The Roots. Show 605

Thursday, January 19: Guests include Aziz Ansari and Carrie Brownstein and musical guest Panic! at the Disco. Show 606

Friday, January 20: Guests include James Spader,
JoAnna Garcia Swisher and Kevin Delany. Show 607

Monday, January 23: Guests include Cate Blanchett, Hugh Dancy and musical guest Cobi. Show 608

**Tuesday, January 24: Guests include Mike Myers, Tim Ferriss and musical guest Steve Aoki and Louis Tomlinson. Show 609

These listings are subject to change.
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'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JANUARY 16 – JANUARY 23

Monday, January 16: Guests include Michael Strahan, Bryce Dallas Howard and musical guest Bebe Rexha. Show 603

Tuesday, January 17: Guests include Michael Keaton, Nina Dobrev and musical guest The XX. Show 604

Wednesday, January 18: Guests include James McAvoy, Nick Offerman and musical guest Kings of Leon. Nick Valensi sits-in with The Roots. Show 605

Thursday, January 19: Guests include Aziz Ansari and Carrie Brownstein and musical guest Panic! at the Disco. Show 606

Friday, January 20: Guests include James Spader, JoAnna Garcia Swisher and Kevin Delany. Show 607

**Monday, January 23: Guests include Cate Blanchett, Hugh Dancy and musical guest Cobi. Show 608
These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' January 10 – January 13

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.10.17  
President Obama gave his farewell address tonight in Chicago, and thousands of people waited outside in freezing temperatures to get tickets. And now those people have a week to get over their pneumonia before they lose their health insurance.

Listen to this. Rumors are circulating that Hillary Clinton could run for Mayor of New York City later this year. While Bill could run to be the next Naked Cowboy in Times Square. (BILL CLINTON) "Giddyup!"

And did you see this? Hillary and Bill Clinton announced that they are going to attend Donald Trump’s inauguration next Friday. Trump was really excited when he heard, because they're the first celebrities that have said they'll actually go.

Yeah, Hillary is going to Trump’s inauguration. Even more awkward – she’s sitting right next to Putin. (PUTIN, LEAN OVER) “Would you like Altoid?”

And finally, this is exciting, Keurig, the company that makes coffee from a pod, is teaming up with Anheuser-Busch to create a new product that makes cocktails. Keurig says it makes the perfect addition to any home or teacher’s lounge. (DRUNK) “Okay kids, it’s time to learn the history of why Tina left me.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.11.17 
We have First Lady Michelle Obama on the show tonight! And this is actually her final talk show appearance as First Lady. Everyone's very emotional - in fact after patting me down, the Secret Service gave me a rose. (GRUFF, EMOTIONAL) "Thanks for the memories!"
But everybody’s talking about President Obama’s big farewell speech in Chicago last night. In fact at one point, the crowd started chanting “Four more years! Four more years!” While Obama chanted (OBAMA CHANTING) “Not even funny! Not even funny!” (My hair turned grayer just HEARING that!)

Listen to this. I read that Donald and Melania Trump are scheduled to ride with the Obamas to the Capitol on Inauguration Day. And you thought YOUR UberPool was uncomfortable. (OBAMA) “Uhh, just let me out here! Should probably get a little exercise, right Michelle?”
And it came out that Obama offered to leave behind the swing set he had installed for his kids so that Trump’s grandkids could use it, but Trump turned him down. Trump said he'll be building a bigger, better swing set, and he’ll make the kids pay for it. (Well, we'll pay for it, then they'll pay us back.)

But the big story right now is a new report claiming that Russia has enough embarrassing material on Donald Trump to blackmail him. On the other hand, so does anyone who follows Trump on Twitter.

I saw that a “20/20” special on Trump’s inauguration has forced ABC to push back its premieres of “Scandal” and “How to Get Away With Murder.” You know, to make room for the special about Trump called, “Scandal and How To Get Away With Murder.”

And finally I saw that today is Alexander Hamilton’s birthday. Yep, Hamilton was born on this day in 1757, but it was only last year that his rap career finally took off. (So, stick with your dreams, kids.)

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.12.17 
Of course it’s all these accusations coming out about Trump’s ties with Russia. In fact, a  2013 interview just resurfaced where Trump says he has a relationship with Vladimir Putin. While Putin’s like, (PUTIN) “Ugh – you poke someone back on Facebook, and next thing you know, you’re in “relationship!”

And yesterday Trump held his first big press conference since the election, and he got into a shouting match with a CNN reporter who claims that Trump tried to have him thrown out.  Then the other reporters were like, "Oh, c'mon! Why does HE get to leave?!"

And now Penthouse is offering a million dollars to anyone who has compromising videos of Donald Trump. When he heard about the offer, Trump provided the videos himself. (TRUMP) “I know a good deal when I see one! Melania, where's the tripod?!"

And here’s a little celebrity news. I heard that Ben Affleck was patted down by TSA security at Los Angeles International Airport this week. Though when it was over, the woman whispered, "I'm not in the TSA."

And read that Hostess is recalling its White Peppermint Twinkies over salmonella concerns. But I guess they canceled the recall when the salmonella was killed by the stuff that was already in the Twinkies.

And a little sports here. It was just announced that Tim Tebow won’t be invited to the Mets Major League spring training camp. In response, Tebow said, “Okay, hockey it is!”

And finally, a woman in Venezuela was arrested after she tried to break her boyfriend out of jail by stuffing him in a bright pink suitcase and rolling him out. She almost got away with it, but when the guards asked her, "What's in the suitcase?" The suitcase said, (QUICK) "Nothing!"
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.13.17  

Guys we have Claire Danes on the show tonight! She's the star of "Homeland," which is a show about a foreign spy who infiltrates the highest levels of U.S. government. Or as it’s called this week, "the news."

We’re now just a week away from Donald Trump’s Inauguration. And I read that his team expects up to three million people to attend, while security officials estimate it’ll be fewer than one million. Then Trump said, (TRUMP) “Okay, we’ll split the difference and call it ten million.”

Let’s get to some sports here. This week, the Los Angeles Rams hired 30-year-old Sean McVay to be their head coach, making him the youngest coach in modern NFL history. You can tell he’s young, cuz instead of throwing the challenge flag, he just texts the ref a frowny emoji.

Some news for travelers. JetBlue just became the first airline to offer free Wi-Fi to passengers on every flight. So now it won’t cost you anything to go on a Twitter rant about your flight on JetBlue during your flight on JetBlue.

And this is just a crazy story.  Apparently, there’s a woman in Louisiana who recently thought she was having twins, but it turned out to be one 14-pound baby. Then the baby was like, (PATTING STOMACH) “Actually, there WAS a twin in there."

And get this, a team of chemists in the U.K. say they’ve created the world’s tightest knot by manipulating individual molecules. They said the only way to make a knot any tighter is to put your earbuds in your pocket for two seconds.

And finally, I read about a four-year-old girl in Georgia who has read over 1,000 books and reads at a college level. Meanwhile, I still stop and think every time I have to spell the word “Wednesday.”

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JANUARY 13 – JANUARY 20

Friday, January 13: Guests include Claire Danes, J.K. Simmons and musical guest Sampha. Jake Clemons sits-in with The Roots. Show 602

Monday, January 16: Guests include Michael Strahan, Bryce Dallas Howard and musical guest Bebe Rexha. Show 603

Tuesday, January 17: Guests include Michael Keaton, Nina Dobrev and musical guest The XX. Show 604

Wednesday, January 18: Guests include James McAvoy, Nick Offerman and musical guest Kings of Leon. Nick Valensi sits-in with The Roots. Show 605

Thursday, January 19: Guests include Aziz Ansari and Carrie Brownstein and musical guest Panic! at the Disco. Show 606

**Friday, January 20: Guests include James Spader, JoAnna Garcia Swisher and Kevin Delany. Show 607
These listings are subject to change.
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'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JANUARY 12 – JANUARY 19

Thursday, January 12: Guests include Kevin Bacon, Greta Gerwig and Nick Thune. Show 601
Friday, January 13: Guests include Claire Danes, J.K. Simmons and musical guest Sampha. Jake Clemons sits-in with The Roots. Show 602
Monday, January 16: Guests include Michael Strahan, Bryce Dallas Howard and musical guest Bebe Rexha. Show 603
Tuesday, January 17: Guests include Michael Keaton, Nina Dobrev and musical guest The XX. Show 604
Wednesday, January 18: Guests include James McAvoy, Nick Offerman and musical guest Kings of Leon. Nick Valensi sits-in with The Roots. Show 605
**Thursday, January 19: Guests include Aziz Ansari and Carrie Brownstein and musical guest Panic! at the Disco. Show 606
These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JANUARY 10 – JANUARY 17

Tuesday, January 10: Guests include Queen Latifah, Fred Armisen and musical guest The Flaming Lips. Show 599
Wednesday, January 11: Guests include First Lady Michelle Obama and musical guest Stevie Wonder. Show 600
Thursday, January 12: Guests include Kevin Bacon, Greta Gerwig and Nick Thune. Show 601
Friday, January 13: Guests include Claire Danes, J.K. Simmons and musical guest Sampha. Jake Clemons sits-in with The Roots. Show 602
**Monday, January 16: Guests include Michael Strahan, Bryce Dallas Howard and musical guest Bebe Rexha. Show 603
**Tuesday, January 17: Guests include Michael Keaton, Nina Dobrev and musical guest The XX. Show 604
These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions