Tuesday, June 19, 2018

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon on NBC

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JUNE 18 – JUNE 25

Monday, June 18: Guests include Jared Leto, Alessia Cara and musical guest Alessia Cara. Show 886 

Tuesday, June 19: Guests include Whoopi Goldberg, David Hogg and Lauren Hogg and musical guest Mike Shinoda. Show 887 

Wednesday, June 20: Guests include Robert Pattinson, Pete Davidson and musical guest Brockhampton. Show 888 

Thursday, June 21: Guests include Michael Strahan, Dave Matthews and musical guest Dave Matthews Band. Show 889 

**Friday, June 22: Guests include Seth Meyers, Dominic Cooper and Penn & Teller. Show 890 

**Monday, June 25: Guests include Armie Hammer, Meghan Trainor, Rupi Kaur and musical guest Bebe Rexha. Show 891 

These listings are subject to change.
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QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' June 11 – June 15

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.11.18
You guys, it’s Jurassic World Week here at the show! That’s right, “Jurassic World” is a movie about wild creatures trapped on an island – or as Singapore calls that – “A little too close to home.”
That’s right, tonight in Singapore, Trump and North Korean leader Kim Jong Un finally came face to face. Or in Kim's case, more like face to bellybutton.
But there’s a lot riding on this meeting. Last night, Kim spent hours preparing. While at the same time, Trump was in bed waiting for SpongeBob to perform on the Tony’s.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.12.18
I heard about a man here in New York who dresses up like a Sorcerer, goes up to people on the subway, and grants them wishes. And this is interesting, it turns out people’s number one wish is for him to leave them alone.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.13.18
Guys, I’m so excited about this -- we have John Travolta on the show tonight! And this weekend is actually the 40thanniversary of the movie “Grease!” To celebrate, President Trump and Kim Jong Un sang a duet of “You’re The One That I Want.”
Trump got back to the White House today. He walked through the doors and yelled, “I’m home!” – and then remembered he’d fired everyone.
But here’s some good news for the president. Tomorrow is his birthday! The White House is filled with balloons, champagne, and streamers. He was flattered, until he realized it was all left over from the party his staff threw when he left for North Korea.
That’s right, tomorrow Trump turns 72. But he doesn’t tweet a day over 12.
Actually, today it was announced that the U.S. will host the 2026 World Cup with Mexico. Yep, players can either travel from the U.S. to Mexico by plane, or just walk past the wall that still won’t be built.
And finally, I saw that Uber is working on a new feature that can tell if you’re drunk when you request a ride. Here's how it works: If it's 2am and you call an Uber, you're drunk.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.14.18
Guys, today is President Trump’s 72ndbirthday. Everyone in the White House hid to jump out and yell, “Surprise!” While they were hiding, they were like, “Wait, we found Melania!”
But everyone had a great time celebrating. At one point, the staff brought out a piñata for Trump, but the president just deported it.
Some more political news. In November, people in California will vote on whether they want to break the state up into three smaller states. The states would be Northern California, Southern California and Kardashistan.
Finally, I saw that Applebee’s is offering $1 Long Island iced teas for the entire month of June. So if someone tells you they just spent $20 at Applebee’s, get them to a hospital.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.15.18
Guys, Father’s Day is this Sunday! Yep, it’s that magical day when you call dad for ten seconds of small talk before he goes, “Hold on - I’ll get your mother.”
That’s right, Father’s Day is almost here. But if you forgot about Father’s Day, don’t worry -- your dad probably forgot too.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JUNE 14 – JUNE 21

Thursday, June 14: Guests include Chris Pratt, Christina Aguilera and musical guest Christina Aguilera. Show 884

Friday, June 15: Guests include Jada Pinkett Smith, Bryce Dallas Howard and Nikki Glaser. Show 885

Monday, June 18: Guests include Jared Leto, Alessia Cara and musical guest Alessia Cara. Show 886

Tuesday, June 19: Guests include Whoopi Goldberg, David Hogg and Lauren Hogg and musical guest Mike Shinoda. Show 887

Wednesday, June 20: Guests include Robert Pattinson, Pete Davidson and musical guest Brockhampton. Show 888

**Thursday, June 21: Guests include Michael Strahan, Dave Matthews and musical guest Dave Matthews Band. Show 889

These listings are subject to change.
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'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JUNE 13 – JUNE 20

Wednesday, June 13: Guests include John Travolta, Sophia Bush and musical guest Dierks Bentley. Show 883

Thursday, June 14: Guests include Chris Pratt, Christina Aguilera and musical guest Christina Aguilera. Show 884

Friday, June 15: Guests include Jada Pinkett Smith, Bryce Dallas Howard and Nikki Glaser. Show 885

Monday, June 18: Guests include Jared Leto, Alessia Cara and musical guest Alessia Cara. Show 886

Tuesday, June 19: Guests include Whoopi Goldberg, David Hogg and Lauren Hogg and musical guest Mike Shinoda. Show 887

** Wednesday, June 20: Guests include Robert Pattinson, Pete Davidson and musical guest Brockhampton. Show 888

These listings are subject to change.
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'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JUNE 12 – JUNE 19

Tuesday, June 12: Guests include Jeremy Renner, Derek Hough, Mrs. Joanne Rogers and musical guest Christine and the Queens ft. Dâm-Funk. Show 882

Wednesday, June 13: Guests include John Travolta, Sophia Bush and musical guest Dierks Bentley. Show 883

Thursday, June 14: Guest include Chris Pratt, Christina Aguilera and musical guest Christina Aguilera. Show 884

Friday, June 15: Guests include Jada Pinkett Smith, Bryce Dallas Howard and Nikki Glaser. Show 885

** Monday, June 18: Guests include Jared Leto, Alessia Cara and musical guest Alessia Cara. Show 886

**Tuesday, June 19: Guests include Whoopi Goldberg, David Hogg and Lauren Hogg and musical guest Mike Shinoda. Show 887

These listings are subject to change.
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'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JUNE 6 – JUNE 13

Wednesday, June 6: Guests include Will Smith, Fran Lebowitz and musical guest Billie Eilish. OAD 3/22/18

Thursday, June 7: Guests include Adam Sandler & Chris Rock, Sting & Shaggy, and musical guest Sting & Shaggy. OAD 4/23/18

Friday, June 8: Guests include Sterling K. Brown, Willie Geist and Pete Lee. OAD 5/18/18

Monday, June 11: Guests include Jim Parsons, Marlon Wayans and musical guest The Smashing Pumpkins. Show 881

Tuesday, June 12: Guests include Jeremy Renner, Derek Hough, Mrs. Joanne Rogers and musical guest Christine and the Queens ft. Dâm-Funk. Show 882

**Wednesday, June 13: Guests include John Travolta, Sophia Bush and musical guest Dierks Bentley. Show 883

These listings are subject to change.
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'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JUNE 5 – JUNE 12


Tuesday, June 5: Guests include Ariana Grande and musical guest Ariana Grande. OAD 5/1/18

Wednesday, June 6: Guests include Will Smith, Fran Lebowitz and musical guest Billie Eilish. OAD 3/22/18

Thursday, June 7: Guests include Adam Sandler & Chris Rock, Sting & Shaggy, and musical guest Sting & Shaggy. OAD 4/23/18

Friday, June 8: Guests include Sterling K. Brown, Willie Geist and Pete Lee. OAD 5/18/18

**Monday, June 11: Guests include Jim Parsons, Marlon Wayans and musical guest The Smashing Pumpkins. Show 881

**Tuesday, June 12: Guests include Jeremy Renner, Derek Hough, Mrs. Joanne Rogers and musical guest Christine and the Queens ft. Dâm-Funk. Show 882

These listings are subject to change.
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'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: MAY 31 – JUNE 8

Thursday, May 31: Guests include Serena Williams, Priyanka Chopra and David Blaine. OAD 4/25/18

Friday, June 1: Julie Bowen, Justin Hartley and Dov Davidoff. OAD 5/11/18

**Monday, June 4: Guests include Tina Fey, Evan Rachel Wood and a performance from Mean Girls. OAD 4/19/18

**Tuesday, June 5: Guests include Ariana Grande and musical guest Ariana Grande. OAD 5/1/18

** Wednesday, June 6: Guests include Will Smith, Fran Lebowitz and musical guest Billie Eilish. OAD 3/22/18

**Thursday, June 7: Guests include Adam Sander & Chris Rock, Sting & Shaggy, and musical guest Sting & Shaggy. OAD 4/23/18

**Friday, June 8: Guests include Sterling K. Brown, Willie Geist and Pete Lee. OAD 5/18/18
These listings are subject to change.
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QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' May 21 – May 25

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.21.18
Guys, Saturday was Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s wedding! Millions of Americans woke up at 4 a.m., turned on the Royal Wedding, and thought, “Wait, what am I doing with my life?”
But it was an amazing event. Thousands of people filled the streets to cheer for Prince Harry and Meghan. Meanwhile Prince William was like, "You guys know I'm the one who's gonna be king, right?"
Guys, Oprah was at the Royal Wedding! I read that the day before, she changed her dress when she realized it was too close to white. Because it’s rude to upstage the bride by wearing white, when you’re already upstaging the bride by being Oprah.
But this surprised a lot of people. Prince Harry didn’t shave before the wedding. He was going to, but his brother was like, "Dude, if you've got hair, KEEP IT."
I heard that the Royal Wedding reception was a lot of fun. Apparently, Elton John performed “Circle of Life” from “The Lion King.” Then Prince Charles did a very drunken performance of “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King.”
Meanwhile back in Washington, today President Trump went to the swearing-in ceremony for new CIA Director, Gina Haspel. In her speech, she said "We can't rest on our laurels." Then Trump chimed in and said, "Or on our Yannys."
Listen to this. The Trump administration is trying to stop leaks by allowing fewer people into White House meetings. The president loved the idea, until he found out he’s one of the people no longer allowed in the meetings.
And finally, this is cool. Over the weekend, it was rumored that Beyoncé bought her own church in New Orleans. God heard that and was like, “Finally, a place I get to worship.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.22.18
Guys, today President Trump said his big meeting with Kim Jong Un might not happen. Trump and Kim have been going back-and-forth over where to meet and who will be there. Even friends group texting about brunch were like, “Make a decision already!”
That’s right, the meeting might get called off. Apparently, Kim Jong Un didn’t like Trump’s idea of the two of them riding through the streets in a horse-drawn carriage.
But Trump wants the meeting to take place. He said if Kim Jong Un agrees to meet, he can "guarantee Kim’s safety." Trump promises to test Kim’s food before he eats it... and keep testing it until it’s totally gone.
I heard that White House aides have told Trump to switch out his cell phone on a monthly basis, but he says it’s “too inconvenient.” Trump was like, "The only thing I switch out on a monthly basis is my staff."
Well, get this. This week, a sinkhole appeared on the White House lawn. But after the grounds keepers investigated, they realized it was just another one of Melania’s escape tunnels.
Last night was the season finale of "American Idol," and the final two contestants Maddie and Caleb revealed that they're dating. Then the moment they announced Maddie was the winner, she turned to Caleb and said, "We need to talk..."
Guys, listen to this. The city of Lake Worth, Florida accidentally texted all their residents a false “zombie alert.” People were relieved to learn it was a false alarm, but then they were like, “Wait, why do we even HAVE a zombie alert system?!”
Hey guys, get this. Yesterday, a baboon escaped from a flight and got loose at the San Antonio airport. Luckily, he was caught after he got trapped on the moving walkway behind someone who wouldn’t step to the side.
And finally, someone in Ohio called police and said they were being followed down the street by a pig and weren’t sure what to do. When officers arrived, they said, “Ma’am, that’s just your Tinder date.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.23.18
You guys, today is the start of Fleet Week, when members of the Armed Forces visit New York City. That's right, for one week, New York basically becomes Tinder minus the app.
But guys, we’ve got a great show tonight – Andy Cohen is here! He hosts the show "Watch What Happens Live." Which is also a good title for any speech given by Donald Trump.
Speaking of the president. Trump spent the morning tweeting conspiracy theories about the Russia investigation. Trump was like, "This one goes all the way to the top!" Then people were like, "You are the top."
Earlier this morning, Trump tweeted that the FBI spied on his campaign, and called it “one of the biggest scandals in history!” Then Mike Pence fed him a warm bottle of Diet Coke, burped him, and rubbed his back until he fell asleep.
That’s right, Trump’s claiming the FBI spied on his campaign, and said it could be one of the biggest political scandals in history. Then Hillary was like, "Um, I can think of a bigger one!"
Guys, it looks like Trump’s meeting with Kim Jong Un might not happen. Apparently, Kim is worried there will be a coup in North Korea if he leaves. Kim tried telling Trump, but every time he said “A coup” Trump would yell, “Na matata!”
Kim Jong-Un’s worried there will be a coup in North Korea while he’s gone. Meanwhile, the moment Trump’s plane takes off, everyone here will yell, “Quick! Let’s have an election!”
And finally, I heard that there's a way for Alexa to tell you if your outfit is stylish. The way it works is, if you have to ask Alexa if your outfit is stylish, it isn't.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.24.18
It’s Fleet Week here in New York City, and our entire audience is filled with servicemen and women! This year is actually New York’s 30th Fleet Week. So I wanna wish an early Happy 30thBirthday to all those babies conceived during the first Fleet Week.
But everyone’s excited about Fleet Week. All of New York will be applauding people in uniform – or as that's also known: the opposite of a Knicks game.
I heard that tomorrow night there’s a Fleet Week booze cruise! I’m sure you all thought, “Sweet!” And then – “Wait, it’s my day off...can’t wait to spend it on a BOAT?”
This is exciting – we have Guy Fieri on the show tonight! Backstage, we had an entire conversation before I realized I was just talking to the sunglasses on the back of his head.
Oh, here’s a big story. Today, President Trump announced that he’s calling off his meeting with North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un. But this is very interesting – after he broke it off, Trump told Kim he could have custody of Don Jr.
Get this. I saw that Disney World announced that they’re finally serving alcohol at every restaurant in the Magic Kingdom. Parents will say, “These giant teacups are spinning too fast.” And kids will be like, “We are not even on the ride yet.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.25.18
Let’s get to some news. I read that President Trump actually uses two cell phones – one for making calls, and one for Twitter. And at night, each phone looks at the other one and thinks, “Well, at least I’m not that guy.”

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: MAY 24 – JUNE 1

Thursday, May 24: Guests include Cate Blanchett, Guy Fieri and musical guest Darius Rucker. Show 879

Friday, May 25: Guests include Julianna Margulies, Giancarlo Stanton and Dan White. Show 880

**Monday, May 28: Guests include Blake Shelton, Scott Eastwood and musical guest Blake Shelton. OAD 3/19/18

**Tuesday, May 29: Guests include Jennifer Lopez, Phoebe Waller-Bridge and musical guest Car Seat Headrest . OAD 5/9/18

**Wednesday, May 30: Guests include John Mulaney, Cardi B and musical guest Cardi B. OAD 4/9/18

**Thursday, May 31: Guests include Serena Williams, Priyanka Chopra and David Blaine. OAD 4/25/18

**Friday, June 1: Julie Bowen, Justin Hartley and Dov Davidoff. OAD 5/11/18
These listings are subject to change.
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'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: MAY 21 – MAY 25

Monday, May 21: Guests include Emilia Clarke, Matt Bomer and a performance from Summer: The Donna Summer Musical. Show 876

Tuesday, May 22: Guests include Sarah Paulson, Chris Hardwick, Danica Patrick and musical guest Foster The People. Show 877

Wednesday, May 23: Guests include Mindy Kaling, Andy Cohen and musical guest Lil Pump. Show 878

Thursday, May 24: Guests include Cate Blanchett, Guy Fieri and musical guest Darius Rucker. Show 879

**Friday, May 25: Guests include Julianna Margulies, Giancarlo Stanton and Dan White. Show 880

These listings are subject to change.
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QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' May 14 – May 18

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.14.18
I hope you all had a good Mother’s Day yesterday! A lot of people celebrated. I saw that President Trump made a Mother’s Day video where he called his mom, “A great person – really warm, and really smart.” Which can only mean one thing – Trump was adopted.
Trump released a video message for Mother’s Day where he called his mom “warm” but also “tough.” Then he released another video where he said the same thing about a thin crust pizza.
Let’s get to some news. Secretary of State Mike Pompeo said that Kim Jong Un watches American TV and probably watches Fox News. Then Kim was like, “Sorry, but I only watch Riverdale.”
Get this. A lot of people think the U.S. might be starting a trade war with China, but this weekend, Trump tweeted, quote, “Be cool. It’ll all work out.” In a related story, the president may have just discovered weed.
Check this out. Rudy Giuliani said that lately, Trump has only been eating half the bun on his burgers to be healthier. And also because Trump knows that if he grabs a full bun, he’s gonna owe it $130,000.
Guys, I saw that Starbucks just announced that now anyone can use its restrooms, even if they haven’t bought anything. Then everyone was like, “Cool – so we’ll just continue doing what we’re doing.”
And finally, this isn’t good. Chili’s just reported that their data was breached and customer information may have gotten out. Chili’s customers are pretty upset, they're like, “I want my data back, data back, data back.” 

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.15.18
After several White House leaks in the past few weeks, President Trump says he’s going to find out who the leakers are. He says he’s got a plan: he’s going to wait for someone to leak who the leakers are.
I read that Kim Jong Un might cancel his big meeting with Trump cuz the U.S. and South Korea haven’t stopped their joint military exercises. Then Trump was like, "So just to be safe, I'm cancelling ALL my exercises."
And today, Trump put out a statement offering best wishes to everyone observing Ramadan. Trump said, "I love Ramadan, I love the noodles. I lived off of it in college. How can it only be 25 cents?!”
Get this. I read that in the 80s, Trump was actually a promoter for Rolling Stones concerts. Trump hated the song “Let’s Spend The Night Together,” cuz every time he said it, he’d have to pay a woman 130,000 dollars.
I saw that Khloe Kardashian posted that the first thing she ate after giving birth was McDonald’s hash browns. When asked when she started craving McDonald’s, she was like, “Right after they offered me two million dollars to mention the hash browns.”
Some tech news. Soon you’ll be able to control your TiVo using the Amazon Alexa. That story again: soon you’ll be going over to your parents’ house to fix both their TiVo and their Amazon Alexa.
I saw that Verizon is introducing a cheaper unlimited service plan, where data will load more slowly. Verizon even has a name for the service: Sprint.
This is crazy. A golf resort in Oregon is training goats to be caddies. Even weirder, they’re hiring local teenagers to eat the grass on the fairway.
And finally, you guys, the Royal Wedding is this Saturday! And I saw that you can buy Royal Wedding-themed condoms. But if you're the kind of person who buys Royal Wedding-themed condoms, I'm guessing you're probably not gonna get a chance to use them.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.16.18
Today, over 2,000 pages of testimony were released about the 2016 meeting between Donald Trump Jr. and a Russian lawyer. The president heard and was like, "You lost me at 2,000 pages...and lost me again at Don Jr."
In the documents, Don Jr. admits he can’t remember if he discussed the Russia investigation with his dad. Meanwhile, his dad admits he can’t remember which one is Eric and which one is Don Jr.
This is big. There’s talk that Kim Jong Un might back out of his meeting with President Trump. When asked why, Kim said, “Cuz Trump hears ‘Yanny’ and I hear ‘Laurel.’”
Kim Jong Un might cancel his meeting with Trump where they were supposed to discuss North Korea's nuclear weapons. Trump was like, "How could someone just pull out of a nuclear agreement?" Iran was like, "I know, it's crazy, right?"
Guys, the Royal Wedding is just three days away! Which means in just three days, the world will finally get to see the queen do the Electric Slide.
Actually, Dunkin' Donuts is celebrating the Royal Wedding by offering a heart-shaped donut, and Chili's is offering special burger-inspired hats. Which explains our new slogan: "America: We Don't Understand Royalty."
Guys, I heard about a restaurant in New York that’s now serving hummus smoothies. They’re actually zero calories because you suck so hard on the straw you pass out.
And finally, a new survey found that Green Bay, Wisconsin is the drunkest city in the U.S. You can tell, cuz no one in Green Bay remembers answering that survey. 

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.17.18
You guys, today is the one-year anniversary of the start of Robert Mueller’s Russia investigation. President Trump celebrated the same way he honors all his anniversaries: he forgot.
Guys, the Royal Wedding is this Saturday! After the ceremony, Harry and Meghan will ride around in a carriage to wave at the public. While their guests will be back at the reception going, “When the hell are they gonna feed us?”
And finally, Levi’s just released a smart jacket that lets you know when your Uber arrives. It’s great for people who love to have all the latest gadgets... except a phone.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.18.18
Guys, the Royal Wedding is tomorrow! That’s right, Prince Harry and Meghan Markle will be tying the knot at Windsor Castle in Great Britain. Yeah, The Dean of Windsor will perform the service, the Archbishop of Canterbury will do the vows, and the Queen will DJ the after-party.
Get this. I read that Harry and Meghan met on a blind date. Here’s how they planned it – Meghan was like, “I’ll be wearing a blue shirt,” and Harry was like “I’ll be…Prince Harry.”
And I heard that Cardi B said she’s a fan of the Royals, and wanted to perform at the wedding. It’d be worth it just to hear her greet the Queen with, “Hello, Your Majesturrrrr!”
Listen to this. In an interview this week Gayle King revealed that Oprah has smoked weed before, but doesn’t do it regularly. The last time Oprah smoked, she woke up the next day and said, “Wait – I gave away HOW MANY cars?”
Guys, today is National Visit Your Relatives Day. Which means tomorrow is National Remember Why We Don’t Visit Our Relatives Day. 

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: MAY 17 – MAY 24

Thursday, May 17: Guests include Tina Fey, Paul Bettany and musical guest Courtney Barnett. Show 874 

Friday, May 18: Guests include Sterling K. Brown, Willie Geist and Pete Lee. Show 875

Monday, May 21: Guests include Emilia Clarke, Matt Bomer and a performance from Summer: The Donna Summer Musical. Show 876 

Tuesday, May 22: Guests include Sarah Paulson, Chris Hardwick, Danica Patrick and musical guest Foster The People. Show 877 

Wednesday, May 23: Guests include Mindy Kaling, Andy Cohen and musical guest Lil Pump. Show 878 

**Thursday, May 24: Guests include Cate Blanchett, Guy Fieri and musical guest Darius Rucker. Show 879 

These listings are subject to change.
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'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: MAY 16 – MAY 23

Wednesday, May 16: Guests include Cord & Tish (Will Ferrell and Molly Shannon), Chrissy Metz and musical guest Florence & The Machine. Show 873

Thursday, May 17: Guests include Tina Fey, Paul Bettany and musical guest Courtney Barnett. Show 874

Friday, May 18: Guests include Sterling K. Brown, Willie Geist and Pete Lee. Show 875
Monday, May 21: Guests include Emilia Clarke, Matt Bomer and a performance from Summer: The Donna Summer Musical. Show 876

Tuesday, May 22: Guests include Sarah Paulson, Chris Hardwick, Danica Patrick and musical guest Foster The People. Show 877

**Wednesday, May 23: Guests include Mindy Kaling, Andy Cohen and musical guest Lil Pump. Show 878

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: MAY 15 – MAY 22

Tuesday, May 15: Guests include Josh Brolin, Cedric the Entertainer, Dave Itzkoff and musical guest CHVRCHES. Show 872

Wednesday, May 16: Guests include Cord & Tish (Will Ferrell and Molly Shannon), Chrissy Metz and musical guest Florence & The Machine. Show 873

Thursday, May 17: Guests include Tina Fey, Paul Bettany and musical guest Courtney Barnett. Show 874

Friday, May 18: Guests include Sterling K. Brown, Willie Geist and Pete Lee. Show 875
**Monday, May 21: Guests include Emilia Clarke, Matt Bomer and a performance from Summer: The Donna Summer Musical. Show 876

**Tuesday, May 22: Guests include Sarah Paulson, Chris Hardwick, Danica Patrick and musical guest Foster The People. Show 877

These listings are subject to change.
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QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' May 7 – May 11

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.7.18
Well, my guess is, you either spent your weekend yelling at a horse because of the Kentucky Derby, yelling at a bar because of Cinco de Mayo, or if you’re the president, yelling at the TV because of Rudy Giuliani.
Actually, on TV, Giuliani said he might tell Trump to plead the fifth in the Russia investigation. Then Trump asked Giuliani, “How about YOU plead the fifth right now?”
That’s right, Giuliani said Trump might plead the fifth. Legal experts say this would be a shocking development. The first time in history Trump has chosen to stop talking.
That’s right, Trump could plead the fifth. Which will backfire when he’s like, “I plead the fifth, so I won't be talking. Period. End of story. Starting now. When I say go. Which is almost this moment. Right here. I’m done. Not another word. My lips are sealed...tweet.”
You guys see this today? Trump responded to reports that he committed obstruction by tweeting, “There is no ‘O.’” And when Melania heard, she was like, "Believe me - there hasn’t been ‘O’ in years."
I saw that over the weekend, Education Secretary Betsy DeVos told a group of new college graduates to “embrace the mess” in their lives. By the way, “Embrace the mess” is also Trump’s 2020 campaign slogan.
Guys, this weekend wasn't just about Cinco de Mayo and the Kentucky Derby. People also celebrated Star Wars Day. In Utah, a pair of twins were born and their parents named them Luke and Leia. Everyone thought it was sweet, except for their OTHER son – Jar Jar.
Check this out. Starting this week, every fast food chain in America has to post calorie counts on their menus. You can tell people are confused, cuz today they read the menu like, “I’ll have the...Whopper 3,000!”
This is crazy. A woman in Colorado was cited for property damage after she used a 7-Eleven microwave to heat up a urine sample, and it exploded. The 7-Eleven owner was like, “Lady, if you wanted hot urine, you could’ve just poured yourself a coffee.”
And finally, over the weekend, Chip Gaines from the HGTV show “Fixer Upper” ran a marathon while wearing a tool belt. And now for the bad news – that's ALL he wore.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.8.18
Guys, today is National Teacher Appreciation Day! Our entire audience is filled with New York City public school teachers! But be honest -- how many of you threw on a movie and left school early to be here?
But Teacher Appreciation Day is very special. It's the one day each year when we tell our teachers there's no one we're more proud of, and our teachers are like, "There's no one OF WHOM you're more proud."
And Teacher Appreciation Day is a great time to give your teacher a card or an apple. Or what they really deserve: a bottle of wine and a straw.
And this is very nice. Today, teachers could get “Buy One, Get One Free” burritos at Chipotle. Or as students put it, “Looks like we’re gonna have a substitute tomorrow.”
Let’s get to some news here. I read that President Trump is getting annoyed with Rudy Giuliani’s TV appearances because he keeps going off-topic. Trump’s staffers were like, “Yeah, it must be really awful having to deal with that.”
That’s right, the president’s tired of Giuliani. Trump said, “He’s unhinged, hard to control, says anything he wants, and, oh my God, he’s me!”
Get this. Uber says it hopes to have flying cars in operation by 2020. It’s all part of their plan to help drunk people throw up faster.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.9.18
Guys, Jennifer Lopez is here tonight! She’s on the show “World of Dance,” which is sorta like “Dancing With the Stars” – except the dancing is good and there are actual stars.
That’s right, Stormy Daniels’ lawyer Michael Avenatti says Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen might’ve gotten Stormy’s hush money from a Russian businessman. Even the Avengers are like, “Okay, there are WAY too many characters.”
But it’s pretty crazy. The Stormy Daniels money could be traced all the way back to Vladimir Putin. In response, Putin said, “Donald can spend allowance however he wants.”
That’s right, Trump’s lawyer may have used money that’s tied to Vladimir Putin, which is why Trump calls Putin his “Sugar Vladdy.”
Listen to this, guys. A group of MIT graduates just opened a restaurant in Boston where the chefs are all robots, which makes it extra creepy when you find a hair in your food.
I saw last night a Picasso painting of a naked girl was sold at an auction for $115 million. So congrats to the middle school boys who all pooled their lunch money together to buy it.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.10.18
Guys, Mother’s Day is coming up on Sunday! It’s that day every year when moms say, “What’s that burning smell?” and dads are like, “You know what, honey, let’s go out for breakfast!”
I saw that the average person spends 180 dollars for Mother’s Day. Yep, they spend 20 dollars on a gift, and then 160 dollars on overnight shipping.
Oh, listen to this. Today, the White House held a big technology summit to talk about artificial intelligence. Trump actually loves artificial intelligence, cuz at this point Alexa is the only woman still talking to him.
Yeah, today a bunch of CEOs from Silicon Valley were at the White House. Trump was afraid to go - cuz when he heard “silicon” he assumed Stormy Daniels would be there.
Some more tech news. By the end of this week, Apple could become the world’s first trillion-dollar company. You can tell they’re rich, cuz when you ask Siri to set an alarm, she goes, “I don’t do that stuff anymore.”
And finally, in Poland yesterday, a truck carrying liquid chocolate overturned on a highway and spilled all over the road. When police arrived at the scene, they were like, “Dear God, please let that be chocolate.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.11.18
Guys, Mother’s Day is on Sunday! And to celebrate, the RNC is selling pink “Make America Great Again” hats. It's the perfect way of saying, "I have NO idea what to get you for Mother's Day this year."
Let’s get to some news. Rudy Giuliani has resigned from his law firm to focus on working for Trump. His co-workers threw him a going-away party, but since he’s working for Trump, the cake said, “See you back here in two weeks.”
Oh, I saw that a 92 year-old man was just elected to be the next prime minister of Malaysia. Or as his running-mate put it, "I'm gonna be the next Prime Minister of Malaysia!"
Did you hear about this? Target just debuted a line of matching outfits for the entire family. It's part of their "Make Your Kids Even More Embarrassed To Be Seen With You" collection.
This is crazy. I read about a woman in Texas who brought home a pair of kittens that turned out to be bobcats. Unfortunately they were eaten by her eagle she thought was a parakeet.
And I heard that a zoo is facing charges for taking a bear out for ice cream at a local Dairy Queen. Even worse, the bear is lactose intolerant.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: MAY 11 – MAY 18
Friday, May 11: Guests include Julie Bowen, Justin Hartley and Dov Davidoff. Show 870

Monday, May 14: Guests include Nathan Lane, Yara Shahidi and musical guest Kygo & Miguel. Show 871

Tuesday, May 15: Guests include Josh Brolin, Cedric the Entertainer, Dave Itzkoff and musical guest CHVRCHES. Show 872

Wednesday, May 16: Guests include Cord & Tish (Will Ferrell and Molly Shannon), Chrissy Metz and musical guest Florence & The Machine. Show 873

**Thursday, May 17: Guests include Tina Fey, Paul Bettany and musical guest Courtney Barnett. Show 874

**Friday, May 18: Guests include Sterling K. Brown, Willie Geist, and Chef Danny Bowien. Show 875
These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: MAY 9 – MAY 16

Wednesday, May 9: Guests include Jennifer Lopez, Phoebe Waller-Bridge, and musical guest Car Seat Headrest. Show 868

Thursday, May 10: Guests include Alex Rodriguez, Jamie Parker and musical guest Arctic Monkeys. Show 869

Friday, May 11: Guests include Julie Bowen, Justin Hartley and Dov Davidoff. Show 870

Monday, May 14: Guests include Nathan Lane, Yara Shahidi and musical guest Kygo & Miguel. Show 871

Tuesday, May 15: Guests include Josh Brolin, Cedric the Entertainer, Dave Itzkoff and musical guest CHVRCHES. Show 872

**Wednesday, May 16: Guests include Cord & Tish (Will Ferrell and Molly Shannon), Chrissy Metz and musical guest Florence & The Machine. Show 873

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: MAY 8 – MAY 15
Tuesday, May 8: Guests include Trevor Noah, Gabrielle Union, and musical guest Chromeo ft. Dram. Show 867

Wednesday, May 9: Guests include Jennifer Lopez, Phoebe Waller-Bridge, and musical guest Car Seat Headrest. Show 868

Thursday, May 10: Guests include Alex Rodriguez, Jamie Parker and musical guest Arctic Monkeys. Show 869

Friday, May 11: Guests include Julie Bowen, Justin Hartley and Dov Davidoff. Show 870

Monday, May 14: Guests include Nathan Lane, Yara Shahidi and musical guest Kygo & Miguel. Show 871

**Tuesday, May 15: Guests include Josh Brolin, Cedric the Entertainer, Dave Itzkoff and musical guest CHVRCHES. Show 872

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: MAY 7 – MAY 14

Monday, May 7: Guests include Michael Shannon, Andrew Rannells and musical guest Father John Misty. Show 866

Tuesday, May 8: Guests include Trevor Noah, Gabrielle Union, and musical guest Chromeo ft. Dram. Show 867

Wednesday, May 9: Guests include Jennifer Lopez, Phoebe Waller-Bridge, and musical guest Car Seat Headrest. Show 868

**Thursday, May 10: Guests include Alex Rodriguez, Jamie Parker and musical guest Arctic Monkeys. Show 869

**Friday, May 11: Guests include Julie Bowen, Justin Hartley and Dov Davidoff. Show 870

**Monday, May 14: Guests include Nathan Lane, Yara Shahidi and musical guest Kygo & Miguel. Show 871

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' April 30 – May 4
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.30.18
Guys, I’m so glad you’re here – even if it’s just because the “Avengers” movie was sold out.
This weekend, “Avengers: Infinity War” had the biggest box office opening of all time! Which is good, cuz if it bombed, nobody wanted to be the one to tell the Hulk.
Let’s get to some news. Saturday was the White House Correspondents Dinner, and Trump called it “a very big, boring bust.” This is the first time in history Trump has called a big bust “boring.”
Some people got upset at the dinner when comedian Michelle Wolf made fun of members of the Trump administration. The president was furious; he was like, “Nobody makes a mockery of my staff except ME!”
This is nice. The Royal Family just announced the name of William and Kate’s newborn son: Louis Arthur Charles. I guess they couldn’t decide on a royal-sounding name, so they just went with all of them.
And finally, I saw that Amazon is raising the price of its Prime membership by 20 dollars. Which sounds like a lot, ‘til you remember what it feels like to make eye contact with a cashier when you buy a 40-pack of toilet paper.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.1.18
Speaking of Trump. Today, he hosted the Army football team at the White House for a trophy ceremony. They all played a game of catch, and the quarterback kept telling Trump to go long until he just disappeared.
The president was with the Army football team. Trump loves football, cuz the “two-minute drill” reminds him of his night with Stormy Daniels.
Guys, the nominations for the Tony Awards came out today, and “Mean Girls,” “SpongeBob,” and “Harry Potter” all got nominated. And I saw that Bruce Springsteen is getting a special Tony for his hit show as well. I’ll be watching, just to hear Bruce say, “It’s an honor to share this award with my Broadway peers, SpongeBob and Harry Potter.”
And finally, I saw that Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsberg just attended the premiere of a documentary about her life. Even she was like, "I’m only here because ‘Avengers’ is sold out.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.2.18
Guys, it was almost 90 degrees in New York City today! It was so hot, President Trump’s lawyer spent the day fanning himself with hush money.
Speaking of the president. His doctor wrote a letter calling Trump the healthiest president ever. But now the doctor is saying Trump dictated the letter himself! Trump was like, "Yes, I dictated it. And I'm one of the healthiest dictators ever elected."
In the letter, Trump said that “his physical strength is extraordinary.” Then he used TWO hands to drink a tiny glass of water.
That’s right, the doctor, Harold Bornstein, let Trump write the letter for him. Later, Trump was asked why he has such a bad doctor, and he said, "Because I’m on the Republican health care plan!”
The Russia investigation is heating up. I saw that if Trump’s lawyers don’t agree to a sit-down interview with Mueller, he’ll issue a subpoena. Trump was like, “No problem, I love Subpoena. She’s my favorite Teenage Witch.”
This is big, you guys. Facebook is coming out with their own dating service. So now you can meet someone on Facebook, before dating them, breaking up, and then stalking them on Facebook.
I heard that scientists just named a newly discovered beetle after Leonardo DiCaprio. Unfortunately it froze in the ocean after the beetle’s girlfriend wouldn’t share part of a leaf EVEN THOUGH THERE WAS CLEARLY ROOM ON THE LEAF FOR BOTH OF THEM!

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.3.18
You guys, it was 90 degrees here in New York today! People were sweating like President Trump watching Rudy Giuliani on “Hannity.”
Last night, Rudy Giuliani went on Fox News and revealed that Trump knew about AND paid for Stormy Daniels’ hush money. Even Kanye was like, “You should probably stop talking.”
That’s right, Giuliani said that Trump knew about AND paid for Stormy Daniels’ hush money. Which explains Trump’s newest idea: paying Rudy Giuliani $130,000 in hush money.
I saw that when John Kelly became Trump’s Chief of Staff, the Secret Service Director emailed him, saying, “Congratulations, I think.” Which is the same thing everyone said to Melania at her bridal shower.
And this week, former FBI Director James Comey said that he’s actually a big fan of Beyoncé. He said he first got into Beyoncé’s music when Hillary Clinton smashed his car windshield with a baseball bat.
Some music news. A member of the band Journey said “Don’t Stop Believing” was inspired by the time he borrowed money from his dad to pay his dog’s vet bill. Apparently the dog was hit by a midnight train goin’ anywhere.
Get this. A growing number of people are going to e-sport arenas to watch other people play video games. It combines the thrill of going to a live sporting event with the thrill of having an unemployed roommate.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.4.18
Guys, tomorrow is the Kentucky Derby AND Cinco de Mayo! Or as that's also known: the Super Bowl of day-drinking.
And everybody’s excited for the Kentucky Derby. And I heard that even though it lasts just two minutes, NBC’s coverage begins six hours before the race. Yeah, six hours leading up to two minutes of action – or as the president calls that, “date night.”
Speaking of the president. This week, Trump attended a National Day of Prayer event at the White House. And he spent the whole time praying Rudy Giuliani would stop doing interviews.
Actually Trump looked like he was bowing his head to pray – but he was really just Tweeting.
At the prayer event, Trump said that since he took office, more people are saying the phrase "under God.” But I think he misheard them – they’re actually saying “Oh dear God.”
Some business news. The CEO of Subway is stepping down. Well, she’s not stepping down, she’s actually taking a bunch of tiny steps to the side.
Yeah, the CEO of Subway is stepping down. Her employees all shook her hand to say goodbye, then threw out their plastic gloves and put on another pair.
Listen to this. I read about a farm in Canada where the cows use a machine to milk themselves. Though it’s weird when the farmer knocks on the door and all the cows yell, “Don’t come in here!”

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' GETS SCHOOLED WITH SPECIAL MAY 8 TELECAST DEDICATED TO TEACHERS

NEW YORK – May 7, 2018 – Class will be in session in Studio 6B when “The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” dedicates its entire episode to teachers everywhere on Tuesday, May 8.

Fallon will welcome more than 200 New York City public school educators in-studio to fill the audience, all of whom are Big Apple Award recipients, finalists or nominees. As a citywide recognition program, the Big Apple Awards celebrates teachers who inspire their students and promote high-quality education in their communities.

Guest Trevor Noah will chat with Fallon about his newly founded “Trevor Noah Foundation,” a youth development initiative in South Africa that enhances youth preparedness for higher education or entry into the workforce.

Gabrielle Union will also appear on Tuesday’s show, which will feature school-themed comedy sketches and fun surprises to honor the hardworking teachers who impact the lives and futures of children today.

From Universal Television and Broadway Video, “The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” is executive produced by Lorne Michaels and produced by Gerard Bradford, Mike DiCenzo and Katie Hockmeyer. Jamie Granet-Bederman produces. “The Tonight Show” tapes before a live studio audience from Studio 6B in 30 Rockefeller Center.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: MAY 2 – MAY 9
Wednesday, May 2: Guests include Savannah Guthrie & Hoda Kotb, Robert Irwin, Jaden Smith and musical guest Jaden Smith. Show 863

Thursday, May 3: Guest include Steve Martin & Martin Short, Poppy Delevingne and musical guest Steep Canyon Rangers. Show 864

Friday, May 4: Guests include John Goodman, Zoe Lister-Jones and Josh Blue. Show 865

Monday, May 7: Guests include Michael Shannon, Andrew Rannells and musical guest Father John Misty. Show 866

Tuesday, May 8: Guests include Trevor Noah, Gabrielle Union, and musical guest Chromeo ft. Dram. Show 867

Wednesday, May 9: Guests include Jennifer Lopez, Phoebe Waller-Bridge, and musical guest Car Seat Headrest. Show 868

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: APRIL 30 – MAY 7

Monday, April 30: Guests include Roseanne Barr, Tony Hale and musical guest Miguel. Show 861

Tuesday, May 1: Guests include Ariana Grande and musical guest Ariana Grande. Show 862

Wednesday, May 2: Guests include Savannah Guthrie & Hoda Kotb, Robert Irwin, Jaden Smith and musical guest Jaden Smith. Show 863

Thursday, May 3: Guest include Steve Martin & Martin Short, Poppy Delevingne and musical guest Steep Canyon Rangers. Show 864

Friday, May 4: Guests include John Goodman, Zoe Lister-Jones and Josh Blue. Show 865

**Monday, May 7: Guests include Michael Shannon, Andrew Rannells and musical guest Father John Misty. Show 866

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' April 23 – April 27

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.23.18
Well, the big news is that today, Prince William and Kate Middleton welcomed their third child, a baby boy. Right now, the top three name predictions are “Arthur, Albert and James” followed by “Ronnie, Pauly D and The Situation.”
Actually, a lot of people were betting on the name of the new Royal Baby. And those people have a name too – they're called "gambling addicts."
But the baby weighed in at 8 pounds, 7 ounces. And this is nice – he already has more hair than his dad.
Let’s get to some news here. French President Emmanuel Macron is visiting Trump in Washington, and I saw that today, they planted a tree together. Out of habit, after they dug the hole, Trump threw in his tax returns.
That’s right, Trump is hosting Emmanuel Macron. Trump loves Macron, cuz when he speaks English Trump closes his eyes and pretends it’s the candlestick from “Beauty & The Beast.”
Get this. Over the weekend, Trump tweeted about James Comey and Robert Mueller, but he misspelled the words “counsel” and “shady.” Trump doesn’t know the red underline means “spellcheck,” he just thinks it’s his phone telling him it loves that part of the tweet.
Oh, I saw that today is World Book Day! People were gonna celebrate, then they said, "Eh - I'll just wait for World Movie Day."
Get this. At this weekend’s London Marathon, a man proposed to his girlfriend while dressed as a T-Rex. Which backfired when his arms were too short to open the ring box.
Some tech news. I heard that some Gmail users have been getting spam messages from themselves. Which got really confusing for the one guy who actually IS a Nigerian Prince.
And finally, I read about a man who was bitten by a shark, a bear and a rattlesnake in less than four years and survived. The man thanks God he’s still alive – while God said, “What do I have to do to nail this guy?”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.24.18
Tonight President Trump hosted a big state dinner for French President Emmanuel Macron at the White House. There was an awkward moment when Trump said, “I’ll have the ‘President Trump’” and the waiter said, “Sir, that’s not the menu – that’s your name card.”
Actually, I read that the main course was rack of lamb. But after Trump grabbed the rack, his lawyer had to pay it $130,000.
I saw that the music at tonight’s dinner was provided by the Washington National Opera. When Macron asked Trump if he likes opera, Trump was like, “Not if she runs against me in 2020!”
Finally, listen to this, you guys. During rush hour here in New York yesterday, a woman gave birth in the back of an Uber. The mother was overjoyed, while the other people in her Uber Pool were like, “We’ll walk from here.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.25.18
We have a great show! Serena Williams and Priyanka Chopra are my guests tonight! Also David Blaine is here to do some magic! He’s such a good magician that President Trump just asked him if he could make Stormy Daniels disappear.
Let’s get to some news here. Today was Trump’s third day with French President Emmanuel Macron. You can tell they’ve been together for a while, cuz earlier Macron was like, (FRENCH) “For the last time, I don’t know the rat from Ratatouille!”
But Trump and Macron have been doing a lot. They went on a helicopter tour, they had a fancy dinner, they held hands – if things keep going well, Macron will move on to the Hometown Dates.
Actually, they had an official State Dinner last night, where Melania honored the French guests by wearing Chanel. When asked who made his outfit, the president was like, (TRUMP) “Targét.”
Get this. I read that Playboy is hosting an after-party for Saturday’s White House Correspondents Dinner. Which will be weird when Trump skips the dinner, but shows up at the after-party.
And this is big. Ronny Jackson, Trump’s doctor and his pick to run the Department of Veterans Affairs, might be in trouble for getting drunk at work. But in Jackson’s defense, if your job was to look at Donald Trump naked, you’d drink too.
That’s right, Jackson may have been drinking at work. His patients knew there was trouble when they walked in for their physicals and the doctor was in HIS underwear.
This is crazy. Today Kanye West tweeted that he and Trump are "brothers" and are both "dragon energy." Trump responded saying "Very cool!" In a related story, Trump just made Kanye the new Secretary of Dragon Energy.
Actually, I saw that Kanye fired his manager this week, and tweeted, “I can’t be managed." Then Kim was like, "Stop tweeting and come in here!" and he said, "Yes, dear!"
And finally, this week, Alaska Airlines merged with Virgin America. Afterward, Virgin said the merger was really special and didn’t hurt as much as they thought it would.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.26.18
We have got Kevin Bacon on the show tonight! And Alexis Bledel is here! She is in "The Handmaid's Tale" with Elisabeth Moss, who was in "Girl Interrupted" with Winona Ryder, who was in "Reality Bites" with Ben Stiller, who was in "Zoolander" with Will Ferrell, who was in "Step Brothers” with John C. Reilly, who was in "The River Wild" with Kevin Bacon!
Let’s get to some news here. This morning, President Trump did a live phone interview with “Fox & Friends.” It was tough for Trump – he didn’t know whether to focus on the questions, or watch himself on TV.
But you could tell Trump was excited to call into his favorite show. When they answered the phone, Trump was like, “Am I the first caller?! What did I win?!”
I wanna say Happy Birthday to First Lady Melania Trump! Yep, Melania made a wish, blew out her candles, opened her eyes and said, “Oh crap, he’s still here.”
Some tech news. I heard that there’s a new Amazon Alexa coming out that’s made just for kids. Yeah, after an hour of answering your kid’s nonstop questions, it just puts on a movie to shut them up.
Actually, I saw that today Americans celebrated "National Take Our Sons and Daughters To Work Day." And tomorrow, kids will celebrate “New Appreciation For Going To School Day.”
And finally, Subway just announced that they’re closing 500 restaurants. People were stunned – they were like, “Subway considers itself a restaurant?”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.27.18
Guys, Dr. Phil is my guest tonight! He’s here to answer the question on everyone’s mind: what the hell is going on with Kanye?
Yeah, Dr. Phil is here! Or as he’ll be known in a few years, Oprah’s Chief of Staff.
Some big news here. The Senate has confirmed Mike Pompeo to be the new Secretary of State. Pompeo says he’s excited and looks forward to working under Trump for the next three to four weeks.
And today, Trump met with German Chancellor Angela Merkel. But he was pretty disappointed when he found out “Merkel” wasn’t the neighbor from “Family Matters.” (TRUMP) “Just say, ‘Did I do that?’”
You guys, it’s finally starting to feel like Spring! It can be tough for people with allergies though. Today, Trump’s lawyer sneezed, and a bunch of hush money flew out of his nose.
Actually I saw that Trump’s lawyer, Michael Cohen, is gonna plead the fifth about the Stormy Daniels case. He says he doesn’t wanna lie and go to jail, but he also doesn’t wanna tell the truth and go to jail.
Some entertainment news. Tom Cruise said that while filming the new “Mission: Impossible” movie, he jumped out of an airplane 106 times. Then afterward, the director was like, “I think we’ll just use the first take.”

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: APRIL 27 – MAY 4

Friday, April 27: Guests include Dr. Phil McGraw, Hailey Baldwin and Julio Torres. Show 860

Monday, April 30: Guests include Roseanne Barr, Tony Hale and musical guest Miguel. Show 861

Tuesday, May 1: Guests include Ariana Grande and musical guest Ariana Grande. Show 862

Wednesday, May 2: Guests include Savannah Guthrie & Hoda Kotb, Robert Irwin, Jaden Smith and musical guest Jaden Smith. Show 863

**Thursday, May 3: Guest include Steve Martin & Martin Short, Poppy Delevingne and musical guest Steep Canyon Rangers. Show 864

**Friday, May 4: Guests include John Goodman, Zoe Lister-Jones and Josh Blue. Show 865
These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: APRIL 25 – MAY 2

Wednesday, April 25: Guests include Serena Williams, Priyanka Chopra and David Blaine. Show 858

Thursday, April 26: Guests include Kevin Bacon, Alexis Bledel and musical guest The Bacon Brothers. Show 859

Friday, April 27: Guests include Dr. Phil McGraw, Hailey Baldwin and Julio Torres. Show 860

Monday, April 30: Guests include Roseanne Barr, Tony Hale and musical guest Miguel. Show 861

**Tuesday, May 1: Guests include Ariana Grande and musical guest Ariana Grande. Show 862

**Wednesday, May 2: Guests include Savannah Guthrie & Hoda Kotb, Robert Irwin, Jaden Smith and musical guest Jaden Smith. Show 863

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: APRIL 23 – APRIL 30
Monday, April 23: Guests include Adam Sandler & Chris Rock, Sting & Shaggy and musical guest Sting & Shaggy. Show 856

Tuesday, April 24: Guests include Kevin James, Questlove and musical guest Sigrid. Show 857

Wednesday, April 25: Guests include Serena Williams, Priyanka Chopra and David Blaine. Show 858

Thursday, April 26: Guests include Kevin Bacon, Alexis Bledel and musical guest The Bacon Brothers. Show 859

Friday, April 27: Guests include Dr. Phil McGraw, Hailey Baldwin and Julio Torres. Show 860

**Monday, April 30: Guests include Roseanne Barr, Tony Hale and musical guest Miguel. Show 861
These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' April 16 – April 20

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.16.18
Robert De Niro is on the show. His friends call him “Bob,” so backstage I said, “Hi, Bob!” And he said, “It’s Mr. De Niro.”
Let’s get to some news here. Former FBI Director James Comey was interviewed on ABC last night, and he said that Trump often changes his story and contradicts himself. In response, Trump said, "Yes I don't."
Comey’s promoting his new book “A Higher Loyalty.” Trump is furious about it because it insults his leadership, and because it forced him to read a book.
Oh, and I wanna say congratulations to John Stamos and his wife who had a baby boy this weekend! And somehow the baby has already aged more than John Stamos.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.17.18
Guys, today is Tax Day! And hopefully, I’m not the first person telling you that. You’ve still got 20 minutes to make it down to Mexico!
That’s right, it’s Tax Day! Of course, Stormy Daniels did her taxes. And I thought this was interesting – she listed her hush money from Donald Trump under “Gross Income.”
Of course, I’m just kidding. But she did list sleeping with Trump as a “charitable donation.”
Actually, Tax Day is tricky for President Trump. Under "filing status" he crossed out “Married” and wrote "It's Complicated."
Get this. In honor of Tax Day, Hardee’s offered free breakfast biscuits if you said the password “Made From Scratch.” Arby’s had a similar deal. They gave you a free roast beef sandwich with the password, “Made From Squirrel.”
Yesterday, President Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen, known for paying hush money for his clients, revealed that he has ANOTHER client, Sean Hannity. Today, Hannity said, “I know you’re all stunned,” then everyone was like, “Not really!”
That’s right, Hannity's been going on TV to defend President Trump without revealing that he and Trump have the same lawyer. Which is like Dora the Explorer going on TV to defend backpacks, without revealing that her best friend is a talking backpack.
Some tech news. Twitter went down today in parts of the U.S. So between that and people deleting Facebook, MySpace was like, "We're back, baby!"
I heard about an official in Japan who was arrested yesterday for taking out his garbage in the nude. Wow, when that guy takes out his junk, he really takes out ALL OF HIS JUNK.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.18.18
Guys, big news – 4/20 is just two days away! Though if you’re the kind of person who celebrates 4/20, something tells me you’re not waiting ‘til Friday.
The tax deadline was extended by 24 hours yesterday! So if you haven't done your taxes yet – well, you're too late AGAIN.
Letitia Wright is on the show tonight! She played a gadget expert in "Black Panther." It’s nice to meet a tech genius who didn’t spend the last two weeks testifying in Congress.
Let’s get to some news. This week, Japan’s Prime Minister Shinzo Abe has been staying at Mar-a-Lago with Trump, and Trump said he wanted to “sneak out” and play golf with him. While Abe says he just wanted to “sneak out.”
But they did play golf this morning. Abe said playing with Trump was kinda weird. Every time Trump got it in the hole, he’d have his lawyer send it hush money.
And last night, Trump and Melania had dinner with Abe and his wife. There was an awkward moment when Trump kept yelling at the waiter, "This sushi is raw! Send it back!"
And I saw that this week Trump officially nominated a new CIA Director, Gina Haspel. The next step: getting Trump to stop pronouncing her name as “Gyna.”
You guys, I saw that this week the Vatican is offering a class on exorcisms. It’s the only class where the guy in front of you cheats off your paper by turning his head around 180 degrees.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.19.18
Guys, it’s almost 4/20. That’s right it’s 4/20 eve – that special time of year where stoners spend the entire night waiting for Seth Rogen to come down the chimney.
Let’s get to some news. Today, President Trump went to Key West for a briefing. At first, Trump was confused cuz he thought “Key West” was the guy married to Kim Kardashian.
Get this. I read that Trump’s meeting with Kim Jong Un could take place in Sweden or Switzerland. Apparently it all depends on whether Trump’s in the mood for meatballs or cheese. (TRUMP) “It’s really a Sophie’s choice.”
Next week, Trump is hosting German Chancellor Angela Merkel at the White House for the second time. This is so historic – it’s the first time Trump has met with a woman this often and NOT paid her 130,000 dollars.
Earlier today, Trump found out he made TIME magazine’s list of the “Most Influential People.” The editors said the annoying part was reading all the letters of recommendation he wrote for himself. (TRUMP) “Trump is bigly influential!”
Some entertainment news. I saw that “Survivor” is coming back for a 37th season. I think they’re starting to run out of locations – they just announced that the next season is being held at Costco on a Saturday.
Speaking of TV. Evan Rachel Wood is on the show tonight! She's the star of "Westworld," a show about robots that look identical to humans and cause major chaos. Or, as it's also known, Facebook.
Listen to this. A group of scientists in Singapore built a robot that can put together Ikea furniture. That’s when you know something’s wrong – when it’s easier to build a ROBOT than an Ikea dresser.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.20.18
Guys, today is 4/20! So if you see someone who’s totally out of it and eating lots of snacks, don’t worry, that’s just the President of the United States.
I saw that this week, the Senate confirmed Trump’s pick to lead NASA, Jim Bridenstine. Yeah, “Bridenstine.” It sounds less like a NASA official, and more like a wedding show on TLC.
Oh, get this. There’s speculation that Stormy Daniels might run for office. Stormy says she'd be the first politician in history who's honest about screwing you.
Speaking of Stormy Daniels. After she released a sketch of the guy who threatened her in 2011, Trump called it a "nonexistent man." Or, as Eric Trump calls that, “a father."
I saw that Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski just bought a race horse named Gronk. Yeah, they say he spends most of his time eating grass and chasing after birds, while the horse just kinda watches.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: APRIL 18 – APRIL 25
Wednesday, April 18: Guests include Claire Danes, Letitia Wright and Kevin Delaney. Show 853

Thursday, April 19: Guests include Tina Fey, Evan Rachel Wood and A performance from Mean Girls. Show 854

Friday, April 20: Guests include Anthony Mackie, Ralph Macchio and Kiry Shabazz. Show 855

Monday, April 23: Guests include Adam Sandler & Chris Rock, Sting & Shaggy and musical guest Sting & Shaggy. Show 856

Tuesday, April 24: Guests include Kevin James, Questlove and musical guest Sigrid. Show 857

**Wednesday, April 25: Guests include Serena Williams, Priyanka Chopra and David Blaine. Show 858

These listings are subject to change.
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'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: APRIL 17 – APRIL 24

Tuesday, April 17: Guests include Joel McHale, Michael Che and musical guest Offset & Metro Boomin. Show 852

Wednesday, April 18: Guests include Claire Danes, Letitia Wright and Kevin Delaney. Show 853

Thursday, April 19: Guests include Tina Fey, Evan Rachel Wood and A performance from Mean Girls. Show 854

Friday, April 20: Guests include Anthony Mackie, Ralph Macchio and Kiry Shabazz. Show 855

Monday, April 23: Guests include Adam Sandler & Chris Rock, Sting & Shaggy and musical guest Sting & Shaggy. Show 856

**Tuesday, April 24: Guests include Kevin James, Questlove and musical guest Sigrid. Show 857

These listings are subject to change.
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'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: APRIL 16 – APRIL 23
Monday, April 16: Guests include Robert De Niro, Bridget Everett and musical guest Rex Orange County. Show 851

Tuesday, April 17: Guests include Joel McHale, Michael Che and musical guest Offset & Metro Boomin. Show 852

Wednesday, April 18: Guests include Claire Danes, Letitia Wright and Kevin Delaney. Show 853

Thursday, April 19: Guests include Tina Fey, Evan Rachel Wood and A performance from Mean Girls. Show 854

Friday, April 20: Guests include Anthony Mackie, Ralph Macchio and Kiry Shabazz. Show 855

**Monday, April 23: Guests include Adam Sandler & Chris Rock, Sting & Shaggy and musical guest Sting & Shaggy. Show 856

These listings are subject to change.
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QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' April 10 – April 13

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.10.18
Guys we have the winner of the Masters, Patrick Reed on the show tonight. I read that President Trump congratulated him on winning the masters. Reed was excited, cuz it’s always nice to be complimented by another full-time golfer.

Speaking of the president. Yesterday the FBI raided the office of Trump's lawyer, Michael Cohen. You know it's bad when you call your lawyer and your lawyer's like, "You gotta speak to my lawyer."

The raid happened after the FBI got a search warrant. Trump was surprised to learn that you need permission before you can just start grabbing stuff.

But it looks like Michael Cohen is in some serious trouble. In fact, Cohen is so screwed, that today he paid HIMSELF 130,000 dollars.

And today, Mark Zuckerberg testified in Congress about Facebook’s data leak. His opening statement was six pages long – or as your aunt calls that: one Facebook post.

Some entertainment news. The movie "A Quiet Place" just had a huge weekend at the box office. The cast was so excited when they heard. They were like, (QUIET FIST PUMP, MOUTH) "YES! THAT'S AWESOME!"

I saw that credit card companies will no longer require a signature to prove your identity. They said if there’s any doubt, they’ll just get your credit card number from Facebook.
Get this. After a Florida woman was caught with cocaine in her purse, she told police a gust of wind must've blown it in there. The officer was furious, until a gust of wind blew a joint into his mouth and he totally relaxed.

And finally, I saw that a bar in London now has a drink menu that’s just for dogs. Which explains why every dog there tells their owner, (DRUNK) “No man, you’re MY best friend!”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.11.18
Guys, our musical guest tonight is Five Seconds of Summer! They're performing their song "Want You Back," which I gotta assume is about President Obama.

Well, the big news is that today, House Speaker Paul Ryan announced that he’s retiring from Congress. He said he wants to spend more time with his children at home, and less time with the child in the White House.

That’s right, Paul Ryan is retiring. He says that after 20 years in Congress, it’s time to let someone else get nothing done.

I read that Ryan made his decision during Congress’s last recess. When he heard that, President Trump was like "Wait – they get recess?!" (”Not fair!”)

Oh, and get this. The last Speaker of the House, John Boehner, just joined a company that sells weed. Which is why he got a text from Paul Ryan that said, “You read my mind, bro!”
And on Twitter this morning, Trump threatened Russia with missiles that are quote, “nice and smart.” Then Americans were like, “Can we make one of those missiles president?”
In Congress, I saw that a Senator told Mark Zuckerberg that Facebook’s user agreement “sucks.” Even Mark Zuckerberg was like, “Wait - you actually READ Facebook’s user agreement?”

I heard about a new trend called “Garden Eyebrows” where people paint their eyebrows green, then glue on flowers. Apparently it was invented by someone who doesn’t know what a Snapchat filter is.

And finally, this is very nice. A 112-year-old man in Japan was just named the world’s oldest man. He's very happy, and says he'll remember this moment for the rest of his week.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.12.18
President Trump was supposed to go to South America today, but he canceled, and Mike Pence went instead. For South America, it was like ordering a Jaëgerbomb, then getting a Shirley Temple.

And get this. Even though the FBI raided his office, Trump’s lawyer said he’d rather “jump out of a building than turn on Trump.” When Melania heard the words “turn on” and “Trump,” she said SHE was gonna jump out of a building.

Speaking of the FBI, investigators are looking into whether the National Enquirer protected Trump by hiding negative stories about him. It might not be true, cuz I read about it in the National Enquirer.

Yeah, they’re looking at whether the Enquirer hid embarrassing stories about Trump. People were shocked. They said, “Wait – he’s got embarrassing stories that we DON’T know about?!”

The president has been very busy. This morning he tweeted that an attack on Syria could happen quote, “very soon or not so soon at all.” When asked if he's using a Magic 8 Ball, Trump said, "Ask again later."

Facebook is still in the news. Today I read that most Americans say they still like Facebook, but they don't trust it. So basically people feel the same way about Facebook as they do about the McRib.

Listen to this. A former Playboy Bunny just became the oldest lingerie model at 83-years-old. When asked why she went back to work, she said, “My Trump hush money ran out.”
And finally, Krispy Kreme is teaming up with Chips Ahoy, Nutter Butter and Oreo to make new cookie donuts. Then the president was like, “I told you I’d make America great again!”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.13.18
That is a hot New York City crowd tonight! Speaking of New York, I saw that the Knicks fired their coach this week. Knicks fans were shocked, they were like “We had a coach?” (What was he doing?)

And I wanna say congratulations to Khloe Kardashian who gave birth to a baby girl yesterday! Yep, the baby has ten fingers, ten toes, and ten million Instagram followers.
Tuesday is Tax Day! Which means you've got just three days left to either send in your taxes...or become President of America.

That's right, Tax Day is coming up. What’s nice about Tax Day is whether you’re getting a refund or not, we’re all gonna get drunk and buy something we don’t need.

Listen to this. I heard about a new bowl with a built-in wall that goes between your milk and your cereal, so the cereal doesn’t get soggy. Or as one guy put it, (TRUMP) “The cereal should make the milk pay for that wall!”

Get this. Police in Argentina are in trouble for losing over a thousand pounds of marijuana, and then saying the weed was eaten by mice. Meanwhile there’s totally a mouse out there like, (STONER VOICE) “I need cheese, brah!”

I heard that scientists say there’s currently a giant hole on the surface of the sun, but it’s probably nothing to worry about. Anyway, happy Friday the 13th everybody!

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: APRIL 13 – APRIL 20
Friday, April 13: Guests include Jeff Daniels, Joe Manganiello and Mike Vecchione. Show 850

Monday, April 16: Guests include Robert De Niro, Bridget Everett and musical guest Rex Orange County. Show 851

Tuesday, April 17: Guests include Joel McHale, Michael Che and musical guest Offset & Metro Boomin. Show 852

Wednesday, April 18: Guests include Claire Danes, Letitia Wright and Kevin Delaney. Show 853

Thursday, April 19: Guests include Tina Fey, Evan Rachel Wood and musical guest Mean Girls Cast. Show 854

**Friday, April 20: Guests include Anthony Mackie, Ralph Macchio and Kiry Shabazz. Show 855

These listings are subject to change.
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'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: APRIL 12 – APRIL 19

Thursday, April 12: Guests include Jack White, Grace Jones and musical guest Tinashe Ft. Offset. Show 849

**Friday, April 13: Guests include Jeff Daniels, Joe Manganiello and Mike Vecchione. Show 850

Monday, April 16: Guests include Robert De Niro, Bridget Everett and musical guest Rex Orange County. Show 851

Tuesday, April 17: Guests include Joel McHale, Michael Che and musical guest Offset & Metro Boomin. Show 852

Wednesday, April 18: Guests include Claire Danes, Letitia Wright and Kevin Delaney. Show 853

**Thursday, April 19: Guests include Tina Fey, Evan Rachel Wood and musical guest Mean Girls Cast. Show 854

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: APRIL 11 – APRIL 18
Wednesday, April 11: Guests include Kerry Washington, Gad Elmaleh and musical guest 5 Seconds of Summer. Show 848

Thursday, April 12: Guests include Jack White, Grace Jones and musical guest Tinashe Ft. Offset. Show 849

Friday, April 13: Guests include Jeff Daniels, Joe Manganiello and Brian Regan. Show 850

Monday, April 16: Guests include Robert De Niro, Bridget Everett and musical guest Rex Orange County. Show 851

Tuesday, April 17: Guests include Joel McHale, Michael Che and musical guest Offset & Metro Boomin. Show 852

**Wednesday, April 18: Guests include Claire Danes, Letitia Wright and Kevin Delaney. Show 853

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: APRIL 10 – APRIL 17

**Tuesday, April 10: Guests include Jon Hamm, Emily Ratajkowski, Patrick Reed and musical guest Khalid & Normani. Show 847

Wednesday, April 11: Guests include Kerry Washington, Gad Elmaleh and musical guest 5 Seconds of Summer. Show 848

Thursday, April 12: Guests include Jack White, Grace Jones and musical guest Tinashe Ft. Offset. Show 849

Friday, April 13: Guests include Jeff Daniels, Joe Manganiello and Brian Regan. Show 850

**Monday, April 16: Guests include Robert De Niro, Bridget Everett and musical guest Rex Orange County. Show 851

**Tuesday, April 17: Guests include Joel McHale, Michael Che and musical guest Offset & Metro Boomin. Show 852

These listings are subject to change.
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QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' April 2 – April 6
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.2.18
You guys, yesterday was Easter AND April Fool’s. Which makes sense because Easter was the day when Jesus came back and was like, “April Fool’s!”

And this morning, the White House hosted their annual Easter Egg Roll. When President Trump first heard there were a bunch of bunnies on the front lawn, he told his lawyer to pay them off.

At the same event, Education Secretary Betsy DeVos read a book to a group of little kids. There was a sweet moment when one of the kids said, “Sound it out, Betsy – you can do it!”
Get this. President Trump has declared April “National Sexual Assault Awareness Month,” which means April is also “National Presidential UNAWARENESS Month.”

This weekend, the movie "Ready Player One" topped the box office. It's about a world where people escape reality by playing a computer game. When Americans were asked if they’d ever be sucked into a digital world like that, they said, "One sec...sorry, what?"
Today, the Yankees had to postpone their home opener because of a snowstorm. You could tell it was cold cuz the foot-long hot dogs were only five inches.

Some celebrity news. Khloe Kardashian says she can’t wait to go to the gym after her baby is born. Then every other new parent was like, “Yeah, let us know how that plan works out.”
I heard about an 80 year-old man in Arizona who’s on trial for robbing a bank. Apparently, he slipped the teller a note that said, “Do YOU know why I came in here?”

And finally, it just came out that Pope Francis once said that there’s no such thing as Hell. Then he got stuck in Boarding Group C on Spirit Airlines and said, “Never mind! I found it!”
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.3.18
At first, I wanna say welcome to everyone at home who’s getting ready for bed – and to all the students at Villanova who are still drunk from last night.

The NCAA Tournament wrapped up last night, with Villanova coming out on top! And if you won your office March Madness pool, congratulations – all of your coworkers hate you now.
But Villanova really played great. They beat Michigan 79 to 62. I'm not saying Villanova was cocky, but at halftime all five starters left for the NBA.

Let’s get to some news. This week, President Trump has been sending angry tweets about Amazon for the way they run their business. Then someone handed Trump some bubble wrap from an Amazon box, and he forgot all about it.

But after Trump attacked Amazon on Twitter, their stock fell by five percent. It’s all part of Trump’s plan to get Amazon’s stock to match his approval rating.

I guess Trump’s claiming that Amazon costs the U.S. Postal Service too much money. Trump loves the Post Office – except every time he licks a stamp, he makes it sign a nondisclosure agreement.

I saw that six of Trump’s cabinet members have been questioned about improper spending. Trump was shocked, he said, “I still have SIX cabinet members?!”

Listen to this. A student at Central Michigan University performed CPR on a squirrel that was found drowning in a campus pool. Even more strange, as she was doing CPR, the squirrel was winking at his friends.

And finally, I read about an Australian couple that put a GoPro on their dog instead of hiring a wedding photographer. And in the end, he got great shots of everybody’s crotch.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.4.18
You guys, we have Mike Myers on the show tonight! And this is very cool – if we asked nice, he says that he’ll take all of us back to Canada with him!

Yeah, the news in Washington has been pretty crazy. In a press conference, President Trump said that nobody has been tougher on Russia than him. In fact, last night, he made sure to hit Putin extra hard during their pillow fight.

Speaking of Putin, Hillary Clinton just called the Russian President a “world-class misogynist.” When Trump heard that, he was like, "Wait, he gives MASSAGES too?!"
And get this. Hillary also said that when Putin heard Angela Merkel is scared of dogs, he brought one to a meeting with her. Which explains why at his next meeting with Trump, Putin will bring a treadmill.

I read that dozens of Facebook accounts linked to the Kremlin have been taken down. Russian hackers didn’t mind, they were like, “Even WE don’t trust Facebook anymore.”
But Trump’s been keeping busy. He just met with the leaders of Latvia, Estonia and Lithuania. And until that meeting, Trump thought “Latvia, Estonia and Lithuania” were cast members on “The Real Housewives.” (TRUMP) “Do you know Melania?”

And this week, Trump said that two of the most incredible days of his life were spent in China. Mainly because it was the closest he’ll ever get to seeing a great wall.

Some celebrity news. Today is Beyoncé and Jay Z's 10th wedding anniversary! Jay Z told Beyoncé, “I love you so much and can’t imagine life without you,” then Beyoncé replied, “K.”
You guys, last night was the series finale of the HGTV show “Fixer Upper.” So now if you want to watch a couple remodel a house, you’ll just have to watch any other show on HGTV.
I saw that the ratings for ABC’s “American Idol” hit a new low this week. You can tell it’s struggling because “American Idol” just got asked to appear on “Dancing With The Stars.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.5.18
You guys, we have Norman Reedus on the show tonight! Of course, he stars in "The Walking Dead" – or as that's also known, "Trump's Cabinet."

But the president has been very busy. He’s now ordering the National Guard to protect the U.S.-Mexican border until he gets his wall. But he was holding the map upside down when he did it, so he just sent all of them to Canada.

That’s right, Trump is sending the National Guard to the border. Though up until a few days ago, Trump thought “The National Guard” was just a brand of deodorant.

Oh, and I read that Trump will take his first trip to Latin America next week. And the following week, Trump will return for his apology tour.

That’s right, Trump’s going down there for the "Summit of the Americas." When he saw it on his schedule, Trump was like, "Wait, there's more than one America?!"

And Russia is still in the news. I saw that their battleships have been lurking around communication cables in the ocean. But Trump has a plan to handle the battleships: screaming out, “B2!” (”Did I sink it?”)

Get this. Facebook is admitting that their information leak might be worse than they thought. And it’s true, cuz today I logged into my Facebook, and I saw my social security number trending.

I saw that Australia is also launching an investigation into Facebook. And this is very interesting – in Australia, Facebook stock actually goes down the toilet in a counterclockwise direction.

Some more tech news. Tinder is testing a new feature that lets users upload two-second looping videos instead of profile pictures. People were like, “Great – now I’ve gotta find a VIDEO of myself from ten years ago.”

Tinder is letting people use a two-second video instead of a picture. So if you thought looking at photos of random people smiling was creepy, just wait until you see them hold that smile for a whole two seconds.

Actually, a lot of Tinder users experienced a technical problem this week and lost all of their matches. Then guys had to go back to flirting with women the old fashioned way: by offering them a spot on "The Apprentice."

I read about a woman in Washington, D.C., who found a dead lizard in her bag of Trader Joe’s kale. When people heard that, they were like, "Gross! Kale?!"

I heard that a new high-tech bathroom just opened at LAX where a light turns green or red above each stall as it’s being used. It’s green if it’s empty, red if it’s occupied, and strobes if you’ve just eaten Taco Bell.

Oh, and I saw that Stevie Wonder tweeted for the very first time yesterday. And his tweet STILL had fewer spelling mistakes than President Trump's.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.6.18
Guys, we have Tiffany Haddish on the show tonight! And from "Super Troopers 2," Jay Chandrasekhar and Kevin Heffernan are here! President Trump actually saw the film, and then ordered the Super Troopers to guard the border.

Speaking of the president. Next week, Trump will make his first visit to Latin America. And I’m not sure about this – he already demanded a joint-meeting with Dora and Diego.

I read that Trump might replace Attorney General Jeff Sessions. Good luck to whoever gets that job, cuz those are some MIGHTY small shoes to fill.

And it’s been a crazy week for international trade. First, the U.S. announced tariffs on China. Then China announced tariffs on the U.S. Then the U.S. put MORE tariffs on China, and China put MORE tariffs on the U.S. Then Japan turned around from the front seat and said, “Will you two knock it off?!”

Some business news. Delta Airlines says some of their customers’ payment information was stolen. Delta apologized to everyone affected - then charged them a 30-dollar apology fee.
Yeah, Delta said customer information was stolen in a cyberattack. When they heard, Southwest Airlines was like, “Just ANOTHER reason we don’t use computers.” (Only an abacus reservation system. That’s all we use.)

You guys, last night was the premiere of "Jersey Shore Family Vacation!" It’s actually a competition show now, and the last person left in the house gets to be Trump’s Chief of Staff.

And finally, I read that a Sonic fast-food restaurant in Mississippi had to put up a sign asking people in the drive-thru to stop smoking weed. You can tell the sign worked, cuz that Sonic has now gone out of business.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: APRIL 6 – APRIL 13

Friday, April 6: Guests include Tiffany Haddish, Jay Chandrasekhar & Kevin Heffernan and musical guest Rich The Kid. Show 845

Monday, April 9: Guests include John Mulaney, Cardi B and musical guest Cardi B. Show 846

Tuesday, April 10: Guests include Jon Hamm, Emily Ratajkowski and musical guest Khalid & Normani. Show 847

Wednesday, April 11: Guests include Kerry Washington, Gad Elmaleh and musical guest 5 Seconds of Summer. Show 848

Thursday, April 12: Guests include Jack White, Grace Jones and musical guest Tinashe Ft. Offset. Show 849

**Friday, April 13: Guests include Jeff Daniels, Joe Manganiello and Brian Regan. Show 850
These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: APRIL 5 – APRIL 12
Thursday, April 5: Guests include Norman Reedus, Wendy Williams and Nate Bargatze. Show 844

Friday, April 6: Guests include Tiffany Haddish, Jay Chandrasekhar & Kevin Heffernan and musical guest Rich The Kid. Show 845

Monday, April 9: Guests include John Mulaney, Cardi B and musical guest Cardi B. Show 846

Tuesday, April 10: Guests include Jon Hamm, Emily Ratajkowski and musical guest Khalid & Normani. Show 847

**Wednesday, April 11: Guests include Kerry Washington, Gad Elmaleh and musical guest 5 Seconds of Summer. Show 848

**Thursday, April 12: Guests include Jack White, Grace Jones and musical guest Tinashe Ft. Offset. Show 849

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: APRIL 3 – APRIL 10

Tuesday, April 3: Guests include John Krasinski, Abigail Spencer and musical guest Jade Bird. Show 842

Wednesday, April 4: Guests include Mike Myers, Abbi Jacobson and musical guest A$AP Rocky. Show 843

Thursday, April 5: Guests include Norman Reedus, Wendy Williams and Nate Bargatze. Show 844

**Friday, April 6: Guests include Tiffany Haddish, Jay Chandrasekhar & Kevin Heffernan and musical guest Rich The Kid. Show 845

**Monday, April 9: Guests include John Mulaney, Cardi B and musical guest Cardi B. Show 846

**Tuesday, April 10: Guests include Jon Hamm, Emily Ratajkowski and musical guest Khalid & Normani. Show 847

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

CARDI B SET AS FIRST-EVER CO-HOST OF ‘THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON’
Rapper to Appear as Both Chat and Musical Guest to Celebrate Release of “Invasion of Privacy” and Stay for the Hour
NEW YORK – April 3, 2018 – Grammy Award-nominated rapper Cardi B is set to become the first co-host of “The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” when she returns to Studio 6B for the Monday, April 9 telecast.

The delightfully charming chart-topper, who recently won Best New Artist and Best New Hip Hop Artist at the iHeartRadio Music Awards, will join Fallon on stage throughout the program. She will chat with Fallon and perform in support of her upcoming debut album, “Invasion of Privacy,” then stick around to interview the evening’s other guests alongside Fallon.

This will mark Cardi B’s third visit to “The Tonight Show.” She appeared last year on Dec. 20 as a guest and performed “No Limit” with G-Eazy in September.

The Bronx native made history in 2017 with the release of her breakout single “Bodak Yellow.” The now 5x-platinum smash hit spent three historic weeks at #1 on Billboard’s Hot 100 chart, making it the first solo #1 by a female hip-hop artist in nearly two decades.
Cardi B followed “Bodak Yellow” with two massive hit singles, G-Eazy’s “No Limit (Feat. A$AP Rocky and Cardi B)” and “MotorSport” by Migos, Nicki Minaj and Cardi B, both of which reached the top 10 on Billboard’s Hot 100 chart. Those two songs, in addition to “Bodak Yellow,” made Cardi B the first female rapper to land her first three entries in the chart’s top 10 as well as the first female artist to achieve the same on the Hot R&B/Hip-Hop Songs chart. As if that weren’t enough, with the release of “Bartier Cardi” and Bruno Mars’ “Finesse (Remix) [Feat. Cardi B],” which is now certified 2x platinum, Cardi B made history yet again surpassing Beyoncé as the first woman to have five top 10 singles simultaneously on the Hot R&B/Hip-Hop Songs chart.

Her highly anticipated debut album, “Invasion of Privacy,” is set to be released April 6.
From Universal Television and Broadway Video, “The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” is executive produced by Lorne Michaels and produced by Gerard Bradford, Mike DiCenzo and Katie Hockmeyer. Jamie Granet-Bederman produces. “The Tonight Show” tapes before a live studio audience from Studio 6B in 30 Rockefeller Center.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: MARCH 30 – APRIL 6

Friday, March 30: Guests include Paul Rudd, Laurie Metcalf and musical guest Alice Merton. (OAD 2/9/18)

Monday, April 2: Guests include Tracy Morgan, Kate Mara and musical guest Chris Lane Ft. Tori Kelly. Show 841

Tuesday, April 3: Guests include John Krasinski, Abigail Spencer and musical guest Jade Bird. Show 842

Wednesday, April 4: Guests include Mike Myers, Abbi Jacobson and musical guest A$AP Rocky. Show 843

**Thursday, April 5: Guests include Norman Reedus, Wendy Williams and Nate Bargatze. Show 844

**Friday, April 6: Guests include Tiffany Haddish and Jay Chandrasekhar & Kevin Heffernan. Show 845

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: MARCH 28 – APRIL 4
Wednesday, March 28: Guests include Alicia Vikander, Jim Sturgess and musical guest Kali Uchis Ft. Tyler, The Creator. (OAD 3/14/18)

Thursday, March 29: Guests include Bill Hader, Jimmy Buffett and musical guest Troye Sivan. (OAD 3/15/18)

Friday, March 30: Guests include Paul Rudd, Laurie Metcalf and musical guest Alice Merton. (OAD 2/9/18)

Monday, April 2: Guests include Tracy Morgan, Kate Mara and musical guest Chris Lane Ft. Tori Kelly. Show 841

Tuesday, April 3: Guests include John Krasinski, Abigail Spencer and musical guest Jade Bird. Show 842

**Wednesday, April 4: Guests include Mike Myers, Abbi Jacobson and musical guest A$AP Rocky. Show 843

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: MARCH 27 – APRIL 3

Tuesday, March 27: Guests include Alicia Keys, Darren Criss and Rudy Francisco. (OAD 3/1/18)

Wednesday, March 28: Guests include Alicia Vikander, Jim Sturgess and musical guest Kali Uchis Ft. Tyler, The Creator. (OAD 3/14/18)

Thursday, March 29: Guests include Bill Hader, Jimmy Buffett and musical guest Troye Sivan. (OAD 3/15/18)

Friday, March 30: Guests include Paul Rudd, Laurie Metcalf and musical guest Alice Merton. (OAD 2/9/18)

**Monday, April 2: Guests include Tracy Morgan, Kate Mara and musical guest Chris Lane Ft. Tori Kelly. Show 841

**Tuesday, April 3: Guests include John Krasinski, Abigail Spencer and musical guest Jade Bird. Show 842

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' March 19 – March 23
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.19.18
You guys, this weekend was St. Patrick’s Day! And of course, there was a big parade here in New York, and a lot of men were wearing kilts. It made the “manspreading” on the subway even worse than normal.
Although in Washington, the White House celebrated by dying the fountain on the South Lawn green, which backfired when the president yelled, "Mountain Dew!" and dove right in.
Let’s get to some news here. It just came out that Trump’s Secretary of State Rex Tillerson was on the toilet when he found out Trump fired him on Twitter. Then Trump said, “Wow, what a coincidence – I was on the toilet when I tweeted that.”
That’s right, Tillerson was on the toilet when he was fired. Which explains why Jeff Sessions and Betsy DeVos haven’t used a bathroom in six months.
Oh, and the Russian presidential election was this weekend, and to get people to vote, Russian officials were offering prizes like Apple Watches. It sounds fun until you open the box with your Apple Watch, and it’s still attached to a hand.
The big story is still March Madness! The tournament has been crazy so far. The other night, a 16th-seed beat a number 1-seed for the first time ever when UMBC beat Virginia. It’s pretty nuts – until last weekend, everyone thought UMBC was a bank.
Some more sports news. Golfer Rory McIlroy said there should be a limit to how much alcohol fans can buy at events because they’re getting too rowdy. And also, he’s tired of hearing drunk people try to say “Rory McIlroy.”
Get this, guys. Engineers have created a futuristic jetpack that lets you fly up to 10,000 feet in the air. It even has a cool name: It's called, "YOU Try It First."
And finally, I read about a man in Ohio who just ended his streak of eating Chipotle for 500 straight days. When asked why he decided to stop, his family said, “Oh, he died.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.20.18
You guys, today is the first day of spring! Yes, I went outside, took a nice walk to the store, and picked up supplies for the snowstorm we’re getting tomorrow.
That’s right, the east coast is expecting a giant Nor'easter tomorrow. That's when you know 2018 belongs to women – even Mother Nature's like, "Imma do me, and y'all can just deal."
Let’s get to some news here. Today, President Trump called Vladimir Putin to congratulate him on his re-election. Yep, he called Putin on the phone, or as Trump calls it, “A Pooty Call.”
Oh, listen to this. A former Playboy Playmate named Karen McDougal says she had an affair with Trump, and now she’s suing him. You know things are crazy when you hear the president’s being sued by a porn star and people go, "Which one?"
Some tech news here. In response to Facebook’s big data breach, a lot of people are deleting their accounts. The only downside is, once they delete their Facebook account, there's nowhere to brag about it.
That’s right, Facebook had a massive data breach that’s connected to Russia. When users heard, they were concerned, but not as concerned as they are when their parents joined Facebook.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.21.18
JIMMY FALLON
Well, yesterday was the first day of spring! Then today the weather was like, “Fake news!”
It is rough out there. Look to your left, now look to your right. You’re about to be snowed-in with these people for the next 36 hours, ladies and gentlemen. It’s a sleepover!
That’s right, a giant snowstorm hit the entire east coast today. People spent the morning posting pictures of the storm on Facebook. Then Facebook spent the afternoon selling them.
Washington D.C. got several inches of snow. This was cute – President Trump built a snowman on the White House lawn, then immediately fired it.
Actually, the White House cancelled all of Trump’s public events because of the snow. And because Trump got his tongue stuck on a flagpole.
But the news about Trump is really getting juicy. Now multiple porn stars are saying they had affairs with him. And it’s tough for Trump, cuz he doesn’t know whether to deny it or BRAG about it.
Another big story. Trump is now facing backlash for congratulating Vladimir Putin on his election win. Trump said, “What’s the big deal? I also congratulated him after MY election win!”
Speaking of Russia. I saw that if Trump meets with Robert Mueller, he might get to pick the time and place. So... 3pm at Chuck E Cheese it is! Here we go, let’s do this!
Some tech news here. Since it came out that Facebook's data was misused during the 2016 election, their stock has taken a huge dive. You can tell Mark Zuckerberg is worried because today he applied for a job at MySpace.
JAY LENO (Tag-in)
Sexual harassment is a big issue. People are finally taking it seriously. In fact, scientists at Northwestern University did a study about the difference between men’s brains and women’s brains. And this is fascinating – listen to this. It seems women’s brains are located in their heads. This explains a lot.
And a lot of really talented and really accomplished actors have been accused of sexual harassment. Also, Steven Seagal.
In fact, I was talking about this just yesterday with my Uber driver… Kevin Spacey.
It’s not just actors. Matthew Weiner, the creator of the hit TV show “Mad Men” has also been accused. And let me tell you something – if your last name is “Weiner,” just introducing yourself to people is sexual harassment.
I’m sure you know, former Congressman Anthony Weiner is in jail for sexting an underage girl. And what you might not know is when he got caught, he actually called Bill Clinton to apologize. See, that’s when you know your life is going off the rails… when your sexual behavior offends Bill Clinton.
Matt Lauer was fired from the “Today Show,” and Matt had to learn the hard way. When Al Roker says no, he means no.
How about Charlie Rose walking around naked in front of interns? When did newsmen start behaving like this? I don’t remember Walter Cronkite prancing around in front of Margaret Thatcher going, “Take a look at that Margaret. And that’s the way it is.”
But see, now people are discussing different levels of sexual harassment. Like on the lower side of the scale, you get the guys that I call “sexually annoying,” you know. Everything a woman says has a sexual connotation. Like a woman might say, “Bob, can you pass the salt.” “Oh, I’ll pass the salt if you know what I’m talking about.”
Then on the other side you’ve got Harvey Weinstein. Oh my God – have you been following this guy? He meets a woman in a hotel lobby. Asks her to go up to his room. She says no. He then opens his pants and masturbates into a potted plant. Now admittedly I have been out of the dating game for a number of years. It’s hard to believe the protocol has changed that much.
And I gotta ask the women: Has that ever worked? A guy hits on you. You say no, he does that, and you go, “What a fool I was!” And how about Harvey? Has he thought it through? Let’s say the woman did change her mind. The man is 65 years old. By the time he was done with the potted plant – sweetheart, you’re gonna have to come back tomorrow.
But luckily those are just media types and Hollywood people. Can you imagine what our country would be like if the President of the United States acted like that?
As you know, Donald Trump allegedly paid a former porn start $130,000 to cover up their affair. If that’s true, it would be the first time Trump has fully compensated somebody for all the work they did.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.22.18
Well, for those of you keeping track at home: the president’s friends are Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un, and his enemies are Playboy Bunnies and Joe Biden.
Did you hear about this? First, Joe Biden said that he would’ve beaten up Trump in high school. Then Trump tweeted that he’d beat Biden in a fight and he would go down fast and hard. Then women everywhere said, “Thank God we didn’t elect an ‘emotional’ woman to lead our country!”
That’s right, even though they’re both in their 70s, Biden and Trump are talking about fighting. Experts say the match would go nine rounds, with ten bathroom breaks.
It’s crazy. Biden and Trump are threatening to beat each other up. It got even weirder when Bernie Sanders ripped off his shirt and yelled, "Tag me in, let’s do this thing!"
Some tech news. I saw that since Facebook’s data breach, a lot of users have deleted their accounts. Which is tough, cuz now they come over to your house to show you pictures of their kids in-person.
Last night, Mark Zuckerberg said he’s focused on rebuilding trust. Facebook users said that lying is unacceptable, then went back to RSVP-ing “yes” to events they’ll never go to.
Listen to this. Marvel is calling the upcoming film “Avengers: Infinity War” the “most ambitious crossover" ever. Though I’m pretty sure "the most ambitious crossover ever" is actually President Trump’s hair.
I saw that Toys R Us is having a giant going-out-of-business sale. So you can either go to the store today and pay half-price, or pay nothing at the dumpster behind the store tomorrow.
I heard about a man in Arizona who called the police asking if the dinosaur decorations in his local park were real dinosaurs. The cops said, "No - but the mushrooms you ate were DEFINITELY real.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.23.18
It is Friday! We’ve got a great show. My guests tonight are Tyler Perry, Jim Jefferies, and Joe List! And this is crazy – all three of them will be played by Tyler Perry.
Let’s get to some news here. This Sunday, Stormy Daniels will talk about her sexual encounters with President Trump on “60 Minutes.” But there’s still no word on what she’ll talk about for the other 58 minutes.
I read that President Trump’s attorneys want to keep his meeting with Robert Mueller as short as possible. When Mueller suggested an hour, the lawyers whispered to Trump, “That’s two Paw Patrols.”
And big news this week – I read that Trump’s National Security Advisor, H.R. McMaster, is stepping down. Trump’s glad he’s leaving because his heart would stop every time his phone said, “Call from H.R.” (TRUMP) “Oh no, they caught me!”
And people are still talking about this. Trump and Joe Biden talked about beating each other up this week. They’re both over 70 – really the only fight these two should be getting into is over a mall parking space.
Oh, this isn’t good. Chinese officials say that one of their space stations is going to crash into Earth sometime next week, but they’re not exactly sure where. Anyway, have a great weekend everybody!
The Weather Channel was just sold for 300 million dollars. And not surprisingly, nobody at The Weather Channel had any idea it was coming. 

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: MARCH 22 – MARCH 30

Thursday, March 22: Guests include Will Smith, Fran Lebowitz and musical guest Billie Eilish. Show 839

Friday, March 23: Guests include Tyler Perry, Jim Jefferies and Joe List. Show 840

Monday, March 26: Guests include Chadwick Boseman, Marlon Wayans, Mike ‘Rooster’ McConaughey and Butch Gilliam and musical guest Devin Dawson. (OAD 2/28/18)

Tuesday, March 27: Guests include Alicia Keys, Darren Criss and Rudy Francisco. (OAD 3/1/18)

Wednesday, March 28: Guests include Alicia Vikander, Jim Sturgess and musical guest Kali Uchis Ft. Tyler, The Creator. (OAD 3/14/18)

**Thursday, March 29: Guests include Bill Hader, Jimmy Buffett and musical guest Troye Sivan. (OAD 3/15/18)

**Friday, March 30: Guests include Paul Rudd, Laurie Metcalf and musical guest Alice Merton. (OAD 2/9/18)

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: MARCH 21 – MARCH 28
Wednesday, March 21: Guests include James McAvoy, Zoey Deutch and musical guest Panic! At the Disco.. Show 838

Thursday, March 22: Guests include Will Smith, Fran Lebowitz and musical guest Billie Eilish. Show 839

**Friday, March 23: Guests include Tyler Perry, Jim Jefferies and Joe List. Show 840

Monday, March 26: Guests include Chadwick Boseman, Marlon Wayans, Mike ‘Rooster’ McConaughey and Butch Gilliam and musical guest Devin Dawson. (OAD 2/28/18)

**Tuesday, March 27: Guests include Alicia Keys, Darren Criss and Rudy Francisco. (OAD 3/1/18)

**Wednesday, March 28: Guests include Alicia Vikander, Jim Sturgess and musical guest Kali Uchis Ft. Tyler, The Creator. (OAD 3/14/18)

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: MARCH 20 – MARCH 27

Tuesday, March 20: Guests include John Boyega, Bob Saget and musical guest PRhyme Ft. 2 Chainz. Show 837

Wednesday, March 21: Guests include James McAvoy, Zoey Deutch and musical guest Panic! At the Disco.. Show 838

Thursday, March 22: Guests include Will Smith, Fran Lebowitz and musical guest Billie Eilish. Show 839

Friday, March 23: Guests include Leslie Mann, Jim Jefferies and Joe List. Show 840

**Monday, March 26: Guests include Chadwick Boseman, Marlon Wayans, Mike ‘Rooster’ McConaughey and Butch Gilliam and musical guest Devin Dawson. (OAD 2/28/18)

**Tuesday, March 27: Guests include John Cena, Katherine Langford and musical guest JD & The Straight Shot. (OAD 3/7/18)

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: MARCH 19 – MARCH 23
Monday, March 19: Guests include Blake Shelton, Scott Eastwood and musical guest Blake Shelton. Show 836

Tuesday, March 20: Guests include John Boyega, Bob Saget and musical guest PRhyme Ft. 2 Chainz. Show 837

**Wednesday, March 21: Guests include James McAvoy and Zoey Deutch and musical guest Panic! At the Disco. Show 838

Thursday, March 22: Guests include Will Smith, Fran Lebowitz and musical guest Billie Eilish. Show 839

Friday, March 23: Guests include Leslie Mann, Jim Jefferies and guest Joe List. Show 840
These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' March 12 – March 16

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.12.18
Are you guys excited about March Madness?! Not the basketball tournament, I'm talking about Trump's speech over the weekend. Did you see that? It was insane.
Yes, on Saturday, Trump spoke at a big campaign rally in Pennsylvania. And at one point, he said he really can’t wait for 2020, while the rest of America was like, “Neither can we!”
Trump’s rally was in Moon Township, Pennsylvania. And when he got to Moon Township, he said, “Wow – this place looks EXACTLY like Earth!"
Listen to this. In a new interview, Elon Musk was asked who inspires him and he said “Kanye West.” Kanye was like, “What a coincidence, the guy who inspires me is...also Kanye West.”
Get this. Researchers just unveiled a robot that can play Scrabble. It’s pretty realistic — it even gets bored halfway through and stops playing.
In other tech news, engineers for Disney theme parks are developing technology to change a ride’s path depending on how scared the riders are. And this is weird: Southwest Airlines is doing the same thing.
And finally, yesterday was Selection Sunday, so March Madness has officially arrived! 12 hours a day of college basketball – or as sports fans call it, "Payback for The Bachelor."

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.13.18
Today, President Trump announced on Twitter that he fired Secretary of State Rex Tillerson. People said, “Can you believe he was so disrespectful to a Secretary of State?” Then Hillary Clinton said, “Yes, actually I can.”
That’s right, Tillerson only found out he was fired when Trump tweeted about it. Even Becca from “The Bachelor” was like, "Man, that’s cold!"
That’s right, Tillerson learned he was fired by seeing the president’s tweet. It got even worse when Trump called him five minutes later and asked why he didn't retweet it.
It’s pretty amazing. In the past few weeks, Gary Cohn, Hope Hicks and now Rex Tillerson have all left the White House. Most people said they’re “shocked,” while Betsy DeVos was like, “Wait, how the hell am I still here?”
I read that people close to Tillerson said there wasn’t a single hint that he’d be fired. Though in fairness, there was one HUGE hint: he worked for Donald Trump.
Today, I heard Trump has been telling people that he fired Rex Tillerson all by himself. Trump brags about firing people the same way a toddler brags about using the bathroom alone for the first time. (TRUMP) “I’m a big kid now!”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.14.18
You guys, it’s spring break! Yeah, spring break is that special time of year when memories are made...then completely forgotten by the next morning.
A lot of Americans are taking a break right now. In fact, today, President Trump took a whole day off from firing people.
I heard that Trump wants to fire his Secretary of Veterans Affairs. Trump says he might do the job himself, since he’s a veteran of several affairs.
You guys, this Saturday is St. Patrick’s Day! And I read about a student in New York who just won $250,000 for his research on the Irish Potato Famine. He was also voted the least fun person at a St. Patrick’s Day party. (”What else can I tell you about potatoes?”)
I saw that a Norwegian man just won the annual Iditarod dog-sled race, which goes for 900 miles across Alaska. He was like, “We did it!” Then his dogs were like, “I’m sorry, who’s this ‘we’?”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.15.18
You guys, it is spring break! Just remember, the partying lasts a week, but the photos will cost you jobs forever!
I saw that Cancun, Mexico, was just named the best spring break destination, and thousands of Americans are expected to visit. Then the people of Mexico were like, "Never thought we’d say this, but what’s the ETA on Trump’s wall?"
March Madness is officially underway! I read an interesting poll – it says that 17% of March Madness viewers watched a game with their boss last year. Bosses called it “tons of fun!” While employees called it “mandatory.”
Let’s get to some news here. Today, President Trump had a meeting with Bill Gates. At one point, both of them looked at each other and go, “Wow, what a TERRIBLE haircut.”
Gates and Trump actually have a lot in common because they’ve both given away millions of dollars. Gates calls it “philanthropy,” while Trump just calls it “hush money.”
Here’s a big story. In a meeting with Canada’s Prime Minister, Trump said that he just made up a bunch of fake facts about trade. Today Trump was like, "I'm an EXPERT on trade. That's why everyone calls me a HUGE traitor."
Some celebrity news. I wanna say congratulations to Cardi B – there are reports that she is pregnant! But no one knows yet if Cardi B is having a boy or a Girlllllll.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.16.18
You guys, it's spring break, March Madness and St. Patrick's Day! So I hope you enjoy the show, cuz it might be the last thing you remember until Sunday afternoon.
That’s right, spring break, March Madness, and St. Patrick’s Day all in one! Or as your liver is putting it, “Well, it’s been a nice run!”
Yeah, St. Patrick’s Day is tomorrow! It’s the annual tradition of celebrating Irish heritage by getting totally drunk. While Sunday is the annual tradition of shamefully going back to the bar to retrieve your credit card.
And I saw that officials in Savannah, Georgia are trying to stop St. Patrick’s Day parade-goers from kissing members of the armed forces. Then members of the armed forces were like, “Hey officials – stay out of it.”
Of course, a lot of people are wearing buttons that say, “Kiss Me, I’m Irish!” While staffers at the White House have buttons that say, "Kiss me, I'm Fired."
Actually, this week, President Trump had a meeting with the Prime Minister of Ireland. He presented Trump with an ancient Irish artifact as a gift, then Trump was like (TRUMP) “Booo! I wanted a Shamrock Shake.”
At their meeting, Trump told the Irish Prime Minister “Whenever there’s a problem, you call, we’ll solve it.” Yep, and then he continued, (TRUMP) “Now check out the hook while my DJ revolves it. Ice ice baby."
I read that that Donald Trump Jr.'s wife, Vanessa, has filed for divorce. His dad consoled him and said, "It's okay - the first divorce is always the toughest." (The others will be MUCH easier...)
I heard about a married couple in China that just discovered they were in the same photo before they knew each other 20 years ago. The wife thought it was sweet, until she noticed him in the background of EVERY one of her childhood photos.
And finally, Toys R Us just announced that they’re closing all of their stores. One customer was like, “Does this mean all the toys are free?” And then they said, “No – you still have to pay, Mr. President.”

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: MARCH 15 – MARCH 23
Thursday, March 15: Guests include Bill Hader, Jimmy Buffett and musical guest Troye Sivan. Show 834

Friday, March 16: Guests include Aaron Paul, Karlie Kloss and Jacqueline Novak. Show 835

Monday, March 19: Guests include Blake Shelton, Scott Eastwood and musical guest Blake Shelton. Show 836

Tuesday, March 20: Guests include John Boyega, Bob Saget and musical guest PRhyme Ft. 2 Chainz. Show 837

Wednesday, March 21: Guests include James McAvoy and Zoey Deutch. Show 838

Thursday, March 22: Guests include Will Smith, Fran Lebowitz and musical guest Billie Eilish. Show 839

**Friday, March 23: Guests include Leslie Mann, Jim Jefferies and guest Joe List. Show 840
These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: MARCH 14 – MARCH 21

Wednesday, March 14: Guests include Alicia Vikander, Jim Sturgess and musical guest Kali Uchis Ft. Tyler, The Creator. Show 833

Thursday, March 15: Guests include Bill Hader, Jimmy Buffett and musical guest Troye Sivan. Show 834

Friday, March 16: Guests include Aaron Paul, Karlie Kloss and Jacqueline Novak. Show 835

Monday, March 19: Guests include Blake Shelton, Scott Eastwood and musical guest Blake Shelton. Show 836

Tuesday, March 20: Guests include John Boyega, Bob Saget and musical guest PRhyme Ft. 2 Chainz. Show 837

**Wednesday, March 21: Guests include James McAvoy and Zoey Deutch. Show 838

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: MARCH 12 – MARCH 20

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: MARCH 12 – MARCH 20

Monday, March 12: Guests include Alec Baldwin, Billy Crudup and musical guests Nathaniel Rateliff & The Night Sweats. Show 831

Tuesday, March 13: Guests include Ricky Gervais, Chris Sullivan and musical guest Amy Shark. Show 832

Wednesday, March 14: Guests include Alicia Vikander, Jim Sturgess and musical guest Kali Uchis Ft. Tyler, The Creator. Show 833

Thursday, March 15: Guests include Bill Hader, Jimmy Buffett and musical guest Troye Sivan. Show 834

Friday, March 16: Guests include Aaron Paul, Karlie Kloss and Jacqueline Novak. Show 835

**Monday, March 19: Guests include Blake Shelton, Scott Eastwood and musical guest Blake Shelton. Show 836

**Tuesday, March 20: Guests include John Boyega, Bob Saget and musical guest PRhyme Ft. 2 Chainz. Show 837

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' March 5 – March 9

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.5.18
You guys, the gold-medal-winning U.S. Women’s hockey team is here tonight! They’ll be out in a few minutes, but until then, they’re downstairs on the 30 Rock ice rink slamming tourists into the boards.
Of course, the Academy Awards were last night. And today, my dad called me up and said I did a great job hosting.
Last night’s Oscars broadcast was over three and a half hours long. To put that in perspective, that’s longer than most jobs last in the White House.
Some news out of Washington. I read that President Trump is on a diet and has been trying to eat more salad. When he first ordered one at the White House, the kitchen was excited cuz they thought the Obamas were back.
Did you guys hear this? It was so windy this weekend that almost all the passengers on a United flight to DC threw up. When United said, “We’re gonna have to get rid of this plane,” Spirit Airlines was like, “We’ll take it!”
Some international news. Tonight, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un invited South Korean officials to dinner. It was described as two hours of, "You take a bite." "No - YOU take a bite first."
Guys, this made me laugh. I read that Apple employees keep walking into the glass walls at their new campus in California. Then Apple customers said, “Oh – so you DO know how to make glass that doesn’t shatter! That’s interesting!”
And finally, some science news. Stephen Hawking and Neil deGrasse Tyson just posted a video explaining what came before the Big Bang. Then Trump was like, "Easy. Young Sheldon.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.6.18
Last night was the big Bachelor finale. Block you ears if you didn’t see – spoiler alert coming out. First Arie picked Becca, then changed his mind, and now wants to marry Lauren. Yeah, Arie Luyendyk picked Lauren over Becca. Now Becca has mixed emotions – on the one hand, she’s humiliated, but on the other hand, she doesn’t have to take the last name “Luyendyk.”
It was a pretty crazy episode. You could tell Becca was upset, cuz she cried for a whole two minutes...then announced that she’s the next “Bachelorette.”
Now some big news out of Washington. Kellyanne Conway has been accused of violating federal ethics laws during TV appearances in 2017. If found guilty, she could be forced to leave her job, or even worse, stay.
Meanwhile, President Trump is going to meet with video game executives and talk about violence in their products. Or as Trump put it, “We must stop crushing candy! Candy is our ally!”
Also I read Robert Mueller is now investigating one of President Trump’s personal lawyers. You know it's bad when even your lawyer is like, "Know any good lawyers?"
I saw that Corona is now making a low-calorie beer that’s 40 percent lighter than other light beers. When asked how they were able to do it, Corona said (WHISPER) “It’s just water.”
And finally, Lego just revealed they've made too many bricks over the years and have unsold stockpiles in warehouses. So I think President Trump just found the solution for his border wall!

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.7.18
You guys, there was a huge blizzard on the East Coast today. On the bright side, it was nice to see something in a state of emergency other than the White House.
Last night, Trump’s top economic advisor, Gary Cohn, announced he’s resigning. At this point, so many staffers have quit that when you call the White House, Trump answers the phone himself. (TRUMP, ON PHONE) "Please hold, I'll connect you." (PULLS PHONE AWAY, PUTS BACK) “The President, speaking.”
Here’s another story out of Washington. It just came out that in his agreement with adult film star Stormy Daniels, Trump actually used a fake name for himself: "David Dennison." But Trump is denying this and referred all questions to his spokesman - Dennis Dennison.
Yeah, in his agreement with Stormy Daniels, Trump used a fake name. Then Stormy said, "Well, he wasn't the ONLY one faking something."
But today, Stormy Daniels’ lawyer said that she is “free to talk” about her sexual relationship with Trump. Americans were like, “Great! Just...not while we’re eating!”
Oh, and get this. “Sex and the City” star Cynthia Nixon said she may run for governor of New York. Then New Yorkers were like, “Uh, thanks, but we’re more of a Samantha.”
Everybody’s still talking about this week’s big “Bachelor” finale. One Bachelor fan said that watching the show has made her a smarter dater. Yep, she says that since she started watching, she no longer dates 25 people at once.
This was nice. After Arie dumped her on national TV, Bachelor contestant Becca received over $6,000 in Venmo donations out of sympathy. Becca said she was touched by the support, while Puerto Rico said, "What the hell??"
In other TV news, Nickelodeon just announced that they’re bringing back the show “Blues Clues.” They figure at this point, it’s the only way to explain the Russia investigation to Trump.
And finally, this isn't good. This week in England, a worker at a factory that makes Coca Cola cans was caught urinating INTO the cans. But Coke quickly dealt with the situation by putting a Mountain Dew label on them.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.8.18
Today is International Women's Day! Trump is thinking of making it a national holiday - not cuz he supports women, cuz he wants another day off.
In honor of International Women’s Day, Mattel is releasing a set of Barbies based on history-making women, like Amelia Earhart and Olympic gold-medalist Chloe Kim. Yeah, it’s called the ‘Way Too Good for Ken” collection.
Let’s get to some news here. President Trump is flying to California next week for the first time since he took office. When asked if he’ll visit LAX, he said, (TRUMP) “I’ll visit my LA ex, my San Diego ex, my San Francisco ex...” (LOTS of exes all over the west coast.)
Here’s some entertainment news. After Arie the “Bachelor” dumped Becca, lawmakers from her home state of Minnesota are trying to ban him from the entire state. You know messed up when the nicest state in the country is like, “We can't EVEN with you!"
Actually last night, Arie and his new fiancé Lauren were spotted on their “first official date” at a fancy restaurant in New York. But the meal lasted forever cuz Arie kept changing his mind about what to order. (ARIE) "On second thought.... maybe I WILL have the chicken."
I read that climate change could eventually wipe out crops like strawberries and grapes. Even worse, that means Edible Arrangements will soon be 100 percent cantaloupe.
Get this. I heard that a zoo in Indonesia is facing criticism after one of their orangutans was caught on tape smoking. It got even worse when they said, “Relax – he only smokes when he drinks.”
And finally, the new movie “A Wrinkle in Time” comes out this weekend. In the film, Oprah plays a woman with unlimited power. So basically... Oprah plays Oprah.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.9.18
This weekend is Daylight Savings Time! It’s that wonderful weekend when your microwave clock is finally right again.
The weekend is almost here! And a lot of New Yorkers are upset because a third major snowstorm might be on its way to the city. But there’s actually a technical term for what’s happening: winter.
But here’s some good news. This weekend is “Selection Sunday,” when the NCAA Tournament brackets come out! It starts at 68, then goes down to 64, 32, 16, then 8 – you know – just like staffers at the White House.
That’s right, it’s almost time for March Madness! Now, March Madness only lasts a few weeks, but don’t worry, since Trump’s president, we’ve also got April Madness, May Madness, June Madness - pretty much goes on all year.
This is big. Last night, it came out that Kim Jong Un will meet with President Trump by May. Which means Kim Jong Un has about two months to learn English, and President Trump has about two months to learn… English.
I read that Robert Mueller might have evidence that Trump’s team was trying to set up a secret “back channel” with Russia. It’s a big deal -- it’s the first channel Trump has ever liked besides Fox News.
Some more political news. Ted Cruz just released a country music song attacking his Democratic opponent. And if people don’t vote for him, he’s threatening to release another one.
And finally, a new poll just ranked Alaska Airlines as the “Top Airline in the Country.” While the least experienced airline is still Virgin.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: MARCH 9 – MARCH 16
Friday, March 9: Guests include Drew Barrymore, Josh Radnor and Kelsey Cook. Show 830

Monday, March 12: Guests include Alec Baldwin, Billy Crudup and musical guests Nathaniel Rateliff & The Night Sweats. Show 831

Tuesday, March 13: Guests include Ricky Gervais, Chris Sullivan and musical guest Amy Shark. Show 832

Wednesday, March 14: Guests include Alicia Vikander, Jim Sturgess and musical guest Kali Uchis Ft. Tyler, The Creator. Show 833

**Thursday, March 15: Guests include Bill Hader, Jimmy Buffett and musical guest Troye Sivan. Show 834

**Friday, March 16: Guests include Aaron Paul, Karlie Kloss and Jacqueline Novak. Show 835

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: MARCH 7 – MARCH 14

Wednesday, March 7: Guests include John Cena, Katherine Langford and musical guest JD & The Straight Shot. Show 828

Thursday, March 8: Guests include Sterling K. Brown, Jack Antonoff and musical guest Bleachers. Show 829

Friday, March 9: Guests include Drew Barrymore, Josh Radnor and Kelsey Cook. Show 830

Monday, March 12: Guests include Alec Baldwin, Billy Crudup and musical guests Nathaniel Rateliff & The Night Sweats. Show 831

Tuesday, March 13: Guests include Ricky Gervais, Chris Sullivan and musical guest Amy Shark. Show 832

**Wednesday, March 14: Guests include Alicia Vikander, Jim Sturgess and musical guest Kali Uchis Ft. Tyler, The Creator. Show 833

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: MARCH 6 – MARCH 13
Tuesday, March 6: Guests include John Oliver, Lucy Hale and musical guest Marshmello & Anne-Marie and U-God sits-in with The Roots. Show 827

Wednesday, March 7: Guests include John Cena, Katherine Langford and musical guest JD & The Straight Shot. Show 828

Thursday, March 8: Guests include Sterling K. Brown, Jack Antonoff and musical guest Bleachers. Show 829

Friday, March 9: Guests include Drew Barrymore, Josh Radnor and Kelsey Cook. Show 830

Monday, March 12: Guests include Alec Baldwin, Billy Crudup and musical guests Nathaniel Rateliff & The Night Sweats. Show 831

**Tuesday, March 13: Guests include Ricky Gervais, Chris Sullivan and musical guest Amy Shark. Show 832

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: MARCH 5 – MARCH 12

Monday, March 5: Guests include Katie Holmes, Brian Tyree Henry, U.S. Women’s Olympic Ice Hockey Champions and musical guest Meghan Trainor. Show 826

**Tuesday, March 6: Guests include John Oliver, Lucy Hale and musical guest Marshmello & Anne-Marie and U-God sits-in with The Roots. Show 827

Wednesday, March 7: Guests include John Cena, Katherine Langford and musical guest JD & The Straight Shot. Show 828

Thursday, March 8: Guests include Sterling K. Brown, Jack Antonoff and musical guest Bleachers. Show 829

Friday, March 9: Guests include Drew Barrymore, Josh Radnor and Kelsey Cook. Show 830

**Monday, March 12: Guests include Alec Baldwin, Billy Crudup and musical guests Nathaniel Rateliff & The Night Sweats. Show 831

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' February 26 – March 2

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.26.18
Last night was the Closing Ceremony for the Winter Olympics. They had some crazy stuff including a big conga line, a giant snow globe and glow-in-the-dark pandas on roller skates. When asked what inspired the pandas, they said, “Shrooms.”
With the Olympics over, 90 countries have departed South Korea. Yeah, 90 groups, waving goodbye – or as the NRA calls those, “sponsors.”
The big winner this year was Norway - they won a record 39 medals. Or one for each person who lives in Norway. “Bjorgin, Bjorn, Other Bjorgin...”
And this is exciting. The U.S. men’s curling team beat Sweden to win their first gold medal ever! Actually, we were beating Sweden so bad, they conceded the match early. Yep, America made Sweden quit in frustration – or as we call it, “the reverse Ikea.”
A bit of a scandal – Russian spies hacked hundreds of computers at the Olympics. Which explains why Hillary Clinton didn't win a single gold medal.
Oh, listen to this, you guys. Mexico’s president canceled plans for a visit to the White House, after a tense phone call he had with President Trump. Apparently, Trump spent the entire call pressing one and yelling, “English!” (PRESS) Actual person!”
As I mentioned this earlier, several businesses have canceled their partnership with the NRA over the past week, including United Airlines. Yeah, you know you messed up when the company that dragged a guy off a plane’s like, “You're making us look bad."
Did you hear this? Kylie Jenner tweeted that she doesn’t like Snapchat, and the company stock value fell 1.3 billion dollars. Then people were like, “Could you also say you don’t like the NRA?”
And get this. The Vegas airport just installed these boxes where you drop off your weed before flying, no questions asked. But if you’re forgetful enough to bring weed with you to the airport, you’re probably not gonna remember to drop it off, either.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.27.18
Some big news out of Washington, you guys. President Trump is expected to announce he's running for re-election in 2020. Yep, he's even got a great slogan: “Pretend the last four years never happened.”
Trump is running for re-election. And he said he'll be sticking with Mike Pence as a cellmate…I mean running mate.
Trump actually says that he will soon announce that he's running for re-election. Maybe it’s just me, but if you announce that you’re going to announce something, isn’t that the announcement?
Of course, Trump’s still talking about his border wall. He’s going to California next month to get construction updates. Here’s the plan: they’re gonna lead him around to the other side of the border, and then quickly build the wall.
But this is nice. In April, the White House will host France's President Macron for his first state dinner. Or as Trump has been telling people, “We’re having macaroons for dinner.”
A little business news. After years of bad publicity, SeaWorld's CEO is stepping down. He wasn’t sure what was worse – emptying his desk, or the seals clapping as he left.
And finally, a mail carrier in Florida is refusing to deliver mail to a nudist community. He said, "Sorry, but I’m just tired of seeing people's packages."

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.28.18
You guys, we have Chadwick Boseman on the show tonight! He stars in “Black Panther,” which is set in the fictional African nation of Wakanda. And you can tell it’s a made-up African nation, cuz Trump hasn’t insulted it yet.
Speaking of Trump, his son-in-law Jared Kushner just lost his security clearance at the White House. They say it's because of shady business dealings, financial problems and lack of foreign policy experience. When he heard that, Trump said, (TRUMP) “Okay NOW you can call me dad.”
And this just happened. Hope Hicks is resigning as President Trump's Communications Director. You can tell he no longer has a Communications Director, because Trump's statement about her departure was just, "Hope go bye bye."
And this was a big story today. Dick's Sporting Goods announced that it will no longer sell assault rifles. Yep, no assault rifles for Dick's - actually sounds like a pretty good plan. "No Guns for Dicks!"
And there’s been a lot of speculation about Oprah running for President. Well, she told People Magazine that she’ll run if God sends her a “clear sign.” Then God said, "You're OPRAH! I look to YOU for signs!"
Oh, this is kind of a strange story here. A man in Pennsylvania was arrested for stealing meatballs from a man's garage. I can’t tell who’s weirder, the guy who stole meatballs – or the guy who keeps them in his garage.
And finally, I read that a city in California passed a law that makes it illegal to cross the street while you're on your phone. People said they got the message – and will never cross the street again.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.1.18
White House Communications Director Hope Hicks is leaving the White House. Hicks said she wants to move on to a job that's a little less stressful – like heart surgeon, or air traffic controller.
Actually Hicks says she resigned to pursue other opportunities. It's a pretty tough job market out there - she's got to compete against all those other unemployed Trump Communications Directors.
Meanwhile, the last Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci said that morale at the White House is terrible. Seriously? He was there for ten days! He's like a guy who spends one semester in England and comes back with a thick British accent.
But it sounds rough. In fact, I read that Trump actually keeps a list of everyone who's ever criticized him. They even have a name for that list: The US Census.
Finally, guys, a little business news here. I saw that Amazon agreed to buy a smart doorbell company that lets you see people who are at your door. That way if it’s a stranger, you can pretend you’re not home. And if it’s someone you know, you can…pretend you’re not home.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.2.18
I'm so excited, you guys! We have the gold-medal-winning US Men's Olympic Curling team on the show tonight! You can tell they're here, because the floor backstage has never been cleaner.
Hey, the Oscars are this weekend! Yep, all the nominees can’t wait to hear their movie named “Best Picture” then sit there and wait a few minutes to make sure it really won.
I saw that Rolex designed the green room for this year's Academy Awards. Which makes sense, cuz the theme of this year is "Time's Up."
Everyone's excited though. Even Trump is holding an office Oscar pool. But chances are, everyone who handed in their picks today will have been fired by Sunday. (TRUMP) “I win by default!”
It’s actually been a busy week for Trump. He struck a deal with Boeing for two new Air Force One planes. Part of the deal is that it’s no longer called Air Force One. It’s now called “President Trump’s Super Fantastic Zoom-Zoom Flying Machine.”
But Trump loves flying on Air Force One, cuz if he’s a good boy the captain let’s him see the cockpit. (TRUMP) “What does that button do? What does that button do?”
Listen to this, you guys. The country's biggest grocery chain Kroger will no longer sell guns to people under 21. But this raises another issue, like “Why is a GROCERY STORE selling guns?!” (DUMB GUY) “Can I get half a pound of turkey and a Glock?”

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: MARCH 2 – MARCH 9
Friday, March 2: Guests include Lin-Manuel Miranda and “Weird Al” Yankovic, Macaulay Culkin, U.S. Men’s Olympic Curling Champions and musical guest Francis and the Lights. Show 825

**Monday, March 5: Guests include Katie Holmes, Brian Tyree Henry, U.S. Women’s Olympic Ice Hockey Champions and musical guest Meghan Trainor. Show 826

**Tuesday, March 6: Guests include John Oliver, Lucy Hale and musical guest Marshmello & Anne-Marie. Show 827

Wednesday, March 7: Guests include John Cena, Katherine Langford and musical guest JD & The Straight Shot. Show 828

**Thursday, March 8: Guests include Sterling K. Brown, Jack Antonoff and musical guest Bleachers. Show 829

**Friday, March 9: Guests include Drew Barrymore, Josh Radnor and Kelsey Cook. Show 830

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: FEBRUARY 28 – MARCH 7

Wednesday, February 28: Guests include Chadwick Boseman, Marlon Wayans, Mike ‘Rooster’ McConaughey and Butch Gilliam and musical guest Devin Dawson. Show 823
Thursday, March 1: Guests include Alicia Keys, Darren Criss and Rudy Francisco. Show 824

**Friday, March 2: Guests include Lin-Manuel Miranda and “Weird Al” Yankovic, Macaulay Culkin, U.S. Men’s Olympic Curling Champions and musical guest Francis and the Lights. Show 825

Monday, March 5: Guests include Katie Holmes, Brian Tyree Henry, U.S. Women’s Olympic Ice Hockey Champions, musical guest Meghan Trainor and Bun B sits-in with The Roots . Show 826

**Tuesday, March 6: Guests include John Oliver and Lucy Hale. Show 827

**Wednesday, March 7: Guests include John Cena, Katherine Langford and musical guest JD & The Straight Shot. Show 828

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: FEBRUARY 26 – MARCH 5
Monday, February 26: Guests include John Lithgow, Kelly Clarkson and musical guest Kacey Musgraves. Show 821

Tuesday, February 27: Guests include Bruce Willis, Retta and musical guest Towkio. Show 822

Wednesday, February 28: Guests include Chadwick Boseman, Marlon Wayans, Mike ‘Rooster’ McConaughey and Butch Gilliam and musical guest Devin Dawson. Show 823

Thursday, March 1: Guests include Alicia Keys, Darren Criss and Rudy Francisco. Show 824

Friday, March 2: Guests include Lin-Manuel Miranda and “Weird Al” Yankovic, Macaulay Culkin and musical guest Francis and the Lights. Show 825

**Monday, March 5: Guests include Katie Holmes, Brian Tyree Henry, U.S. Women’s Olympic Ice Hockey Champions, musical guest Meghan Trainor and Bun B sits-in with The Roots . Show 826

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: FEBRUARY 23 – MARCH 2

Friday, February 23: Full telecasts pre-empted. A special 5 minute segment, “The Fallon 5,” to air following Olympic primetime programming.

Monday, February 26: Guests include John Lithgow, Kelly Clarkson and musical guest Kacey Musgraves. Show 821

Tuesday, February 27: Guests include Bruce Willis, Retta and musical guest Towkio. Show 822

Wednesday, February 28: Guests include Chadwick Boseman, Marlon Wayans, Mike ‘Rooster’ McConaughey and Butch Gilliam and musical guest Devin Dawson. Show 823

**Thursday, March 1: Guests include Alicia Keys, Darren Criss and Rudy Francisco. Show 824

**Friday, March 2: Guests include Lin-Manuel Miranda and “Weird Al” Yankovic, Macaulay Culkin and musical guest Francis and the Lights. Show 825

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: FEBRUARY 21 – FEBRUARY 28
Wednesday, February 21: Full telecasts pre-empted. A special 5 minute segment, “The Fallon 5,” featuring Chloe Kim to air following Olympic primetime programming.

Thursday, February 22: Full telecasts pre-empted. A special 5 minute segment, “The Fallon 5,” featuring Caleb McLaughlin to air following Olympic primetime programming.

Friday, February 23: Full telecasts pre-empted. A special 5 minute segment, “The Fallon 5,” to air following Olympic primetime programming.

Monday, February 26: Guests include John Lithgow, Kelly Clarkson and musical guest Kacey Musgraves. Show 821

Tuesday, February 27: Guests include Bruce Willis, Retta and musical guest Towkio. Show 822

**Wednesday, February 28: Guests include Chadwick Boseman, Marlon Wayans, Mike ‘Rooster’ McConaughey and Butch Gilliam and musical guest Devin Dawson. Show 823

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: FEBRUARY 20 – FEBRUARY 27

Tuesday, February 20: Full telecasts pre-empted. A special 5 minute segment, “The Fallon 5,” featuring Desus and Mero to air following Olympic primetime programming.

Wednesday, February 21: Full telecasts pre-empted. A special 5 minute segment, “The Fallon 5,” featuring Chloe Kim to air following Olympic primetime programming.

Thursday, February 22: Full telecasts pre-empted. A special 5 minute segment, “The Fallon 5,” featuring Caleb McLaughlin to air following Olympic primetime programming.

Friday, February 23: Full telecasts pre-empted. A special 5 minute segment, “The Fallon 5,” to air following Olympic primetime programming.

**Monday, February 26: Guests include John Lithgow, Kelly Clarkson and musical guest Kacey Musgraves. Show 821

**Tuesday, February 27: Guests include Bruce Willis, Retta and musical guest Towkio. Show 822

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: FEBRUARY 16 – FEBRUARY 23
Friday, February 16: Pre-Empted

**Monday, February 19: Fallon Five: Paul Rudd

**Tuesday, February 20: Fallon Five: Desus and Mero

**Wednesday, February 21: Fallon Five: Chloe Kim

**Thursday, February 22: Fallon Five: Caleb McLaughlin

**Friday, February 23: Fallon Five

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' February 6 – February 9

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.6.18
Of course, people are still excited about the Philadelphia Eagles winning their first Super Bowl! And did you know this? I read that Eagles coach Doug Pederson was coaching high school football just ten years ago. Which sounds crazy, until you remember that just FIVE years ago, our president was firing Clay Aiken from a TV show.
But man, the celebration got crazy back in Philly. People knocked over lamp posts, overturned a car, ran around naked, set things on fire, and that was just the mayor.
Did you see this? This made me laugh. Paul Ryan posted a tweet where he bragged about how the GOP tax bill helped a woman earn an extra $1.50 a week. He would’ve gotten a lot of angry letters, but nobody wanted to spend their entire bonus on a stamp.
Did you hear about this? Over the weekend “Lady Doritos” was trending. There were reports that Doritos was launching a “lady-friendly” chip that is quieter and not as orange. And if that goes well, they’re gonna try to do the same thing with the president.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.7.18
Did you guys hear about this? Apparently, President Trump wants to hold this big military parade in Washington. Yeah, it would have tanks, airplanes and soldiers marching. Then at the end of the parade, Trump will be like, "Wait -- where's Santa?!"
I was looking at Trump’s schedule today, and I saw that he’s hosting a “National Prayer Breakfast Dinner.” I guess the only way you can get Trump to attend an event is by having two meals in the title. (TRUMP) “Tomorrow, I’m hosting a Charity Brunch Lunch.”
But get this, you guys. The Trump administration is thinking about adding work requirements and raising rent for people living in public housing. Americans are like, “Great, let’s start with the White House!”
And this was pretty cool. Elon Musk wants to send humans to Mars, so he just launched an unmanned rocket that was the biggest ever to make it into space, and he said it would either be a success or a great fireworks display – which is also what my dad says whenever he deep-fries a turkey. (DAD) "Hold onto your eyebrows!"
But the big news back on Earth is that Kylie Jenner finally announced the name of her baby! That’s right, it is “Stormi” with an I. Which means her next three kids will be named “Sunny,” “Cloudy,” and “Chance Of Meatballs.”
You guys, Valentine’s Day is coming up! And I saw that two restaurants here in New York City were just named in OpenTable's "100 Most Romantic Restaurants in America.” Yep, they picked the River Café in Brooklyn, and then long shot is Chili’s Too at LaGuardia.
Oh, this is kinda crazy. A new study finds that McDonald’s french fries could actually help cure baldness. So it’s a great choice for guys: Skinny and bald, or fat and hairy?
And finally, I heard that a Girl Scout in San Diego is being investigated for selling cookies outside a marijuana dispensary. And if it’s true, she’ll be given the badge for “Smartest Girl Scout.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.8.18
You guys, tomorrow is the start of the Winter Olympics! But some of the events are already underway - and today, the U.S. beat Russia 9 to 3 in curling! So I guess that means that Putin can rig an election, but NOT a curling event. (PUTIN) “I am only human.”
Vice President Mike Pence will lead the U.S. delegation in Pyeongchang. While Trump will lead a delegation at P.F. Chang’s. (TRUMP) “That sounds like a good plan. Let’s see what my fortune cookie has to say about it…”
Guys, a lot of people are excited about this. The new movie "Fifty Shades Freed" comes out this weekend! Or as emergency rooms put it, “Oh God, not again!” (How the heck did THAT happen?)
For those that don’t know, “Fifty Shades Freed” is about a woman's tortured romance with a cold billionaire. Then Melania Trump was like, (MELANIA) “Too soon!”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.9.18
Tonight was the start of the Winter Olympics! Which means we get to chant “U.S.A.!” someplace besides the Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest.
Yep, tonight was the Opening Ceremony. It was a lot of fun - until Trump stood there, pointing out which countries are "S-holes." (TRUMP) "S-hole! S-hole! Nice! Never heard of that country!”
And there’s tons of great athletes competing for the U.S., like Lindsey Vonn, Shaun White, and Adam Rippon. But the big winner so far is...Michael Phelps. (He’s THAT good.)
I saw that Kylie Jenner’s photo of her baby Stormi is now the most-liked Instagram photo ever! Yeah, it’s got about 15 million likes. And when they heard that, Kim, Kendall and Khloe quietly un-liked it.
And finally, you guys. I read about a 102-year-old man who celebrated his birthday this weekend by setting the Guinness World Record for the oldest person to ride a zip-line. Which was cool, ‘til he was like, (OLD) "I said I wanted a SHOE-SHINE!"

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: FEBRUARY 9 – FEBRUARY 16
Friday, February 9: Guests include Paul Rudd, Laurie Metcalf and musical guest Alice Merton. Show 820

**Monday, February 12: Pre-Empted

**Tuesday, February 13: Pre-Empted

**Wendnesday, February 14: Pre-Empted

**Thursday, February 15: Pre-Empted

**Friday, February 16: Pre-Empted

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: FEBRUARY 6 – FEBRUARY 9

**Tuesday, February 6: Guests include Sarah Jessica Parker, Jesse Tyler Ferguson, Super Bowl Champions Philadelphia Eagles and musical guest Diplo Ft. MØ and Goldlink Show 817

Wednesday, February 7: Guests include Sienna Miller, Tim Tebow and musical guests Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds and Tye Tribbett sits-in with The Roots. Show 818

**Thursday, February 8: Guests include Andrew Garfield, Rachel Brosnahan and Bonnie McFarlane. Show 819

**Friday, February 9: Guests include Paul Rudd, Laurie Metcalf and musical guest Alice Merton. Show 820

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' January 29 – February 4
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.29.18
Well, tomorrow is President Trump’s first State of the Union Address. And you can tell he’s serious about it, cuz today he hopped on his computer and Googled “How to do State of the Union Address.”
Of course, Trump's been practicing his speech ahead of time. While Mike Pence and Paul Ryan are practicing their “I’m Horrified But I Can’t Show It” Face.
I heard that Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg will not be at the State of the Union, because of a previous commitment. When asked what she had to do, she said, "Oh, I just don't want to be there."
Some big news about the Russia investigation. It came out that Trump ordered the firing of Robert Mueller last summer. Even weirder, he ordered it through a McDonald’s drive-thru. (TRUMP) “I want two Big Macs, a Diet Coke, and the termination of Robert Mueller.”
But Trump’s lawyer allegedly told him that if he fired Robert Mueller, it would have a catastrophic effect on his presidency. Then after a long pause, the lawyer said, “That means ‘bad,’ Mr. President.” (TRUMP) “Oh, I’m sorry – I thought you meant we were going to be invaded by cat people.”
As if that’s not enough, Trump’s in another Twitter fight. This time he’s feuding with Jay-Z. But on the bright side, it’s nice to see the president having beef that’s not between two buns.
Actually, Trump tweeted that someone should tell Jay-Z that black unemployment is at its lowest rate ever under his presidency. But after all the cabinet members he's fired, WHITE unemployment is at an all-time high. Very interesting.
A big sports story here. The Cleveland Indians announced that they will no longer use Chief Wahoo as their logo beginning in 2019. They admitted that the logo is extremely offensive, so they're only gonna wear it for 162 more games.
Hey, I saw that today is Oprah’s birthday! Democrats got her a nice gift – an all-expenses paid trip to Michigan, Ohio, Wisconsin and Pennsylvania.
Oh, this is pretty cool. I saw that 83 year-old Republican Senator Orrin Hatch was at the Grammys last night. Midway through, he turned to the person next to him and said, (OLD) “This is the craziest State of the Union I’ve ever been to.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.30.18
Well, tonight was President Trump’s first State of the Union. And I saw that Trump read his speech off a teleprompter. You could tell because he began by saying, (TRUMP) “Applause. Good evening. Applause. Please be seated. They sit.”
Yeah, he read off a prompter. To make sure he stayed on track, his staff had a little Mickey Mouse head bounce over the words like a sing-a-long song.
But experts said it was a very historic State of the Union. You know - cuz it marked the first time since taking office that Trump went a full hour without tweeting.
Actually, I heard about a fun drinking game for the speech. Here’s how it works: if you took a shot each time Trump didn’t stick to the script – your name is Sarah Huckabee Sanders.
But I guess most of Trump’s State of the Union address was written by his advisor, Stephen Miller. While the rest of Trump’s presidency was written by Stephen King.
But this was embarrassing. Tickets to the State of the Union had to be reprinted after they originally said State of the “Uniom.” Even the guy who sent that false missile alert in Hawaii was like, “How do you mess that up?”
After Trump’s speech, Massachusetts Congressman Joe Kennedy became one of the youngest people to give the Democratic response. You could tell he’s young, when all he said was, “He cray.”
This is pretty big. Today, Amazon announced it’s creating its own healthcare company. But it's kinda awkward getting healthcare from Amazon. Especially when a drone flies over your house and says, (ROBOT) "Viagra for Bob? Viagra for Bob? Is this the right house for bonerless Bob?"
And finally, I read that Apple is growing its fleet of self-driving cars. You can tell the self-driving cars are made by Apple, cuz when you hit a pebble, it shatters the entire windshield.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.31.18
Last night was President Trump’s first State of the Union Address. Yep, some people watched it on NBC, some people watched it on CNN, while most people watched it on mute.
I read that Trump's speech fell nine minutes short of breaking President Clinton’s record for longest State of the Union. And when he heard that, Trump grabbed the mic and spent 10 minutes reading the iTunes user agreement. (TRUMP) “By using this software, I agree to abide by Apple’s…”
He also said America is a nation of builders, and that “we built the Empire State Building in just one year.” Then he ruined it by congratulating Bob the Builder. (TRUMP) “Robert Builder, are you here? Please stand up.”
And this was pretty big. Trump announced that he signed an executive order to keep Guantanamo Bay open. Of course, Trump thinks “Guantanamo Bay” is a water park at Six Flags. (TRUMP) “It’s so much fun. Have you ever done a lazy river?”
I saw that First Lady Melania Trump held her own White House reception before the State of the Union. Yep, even the First Lady was like, “I gotta drink before this thing.”
I saw that yesterday, a glitch kept sending iPhones the same CNN news alert over and over again. But if I wanted to be annoyed by the same CNN news alert over and over, I’d just watch CNN for five minutes.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.1.18
You guys, we are just three days away from Super Bowl 52! Which means we’re just three days from finding out whether Boston will be burned down by an ANGRY mob, or a HAPPY mob.
But everyone’s excited. In fact, I saw that on StubHub there's a Super Bowl ticket listed at over 66,000 dollars. And the person who buys it will get to the stadium and say, "10 dollars for a beer? That's crazy!"
And over on the Animal Planet, they’re holding their 14th annual Puppy Bowl. This year, it will feature Team Ruff versus Team Fluff. And if you’re curious which team is better – please visit www.GamblersAnonymous.org. They’re here to help.
And as if that’s not enough, Sunday is also the Kitten Bowl on the Hallmark Channel! It’ll feature the Little Longtails going up against their rival – a red laser pointer.
Speaking of TV. I saw that Omarosa is going to be a cast member on "Celebrity Big Brother." She said that after a year in the White House, she just wanted to be in a house without so much drama.
Some more news out of Washington. I read that the government is spending 24 million dollars to replace two refrigerators on Air Force One. Until then, they’re keeping perishables cold by putting them between Donald and Melania.
Listen to this. A man in Massachusetts went to claim a 10,000-dollar lottery prize and found out that he’d misread the ticket and actually won a million dollars. Later, when his wife said, “Did you get the 10 grand?” he was like, (PAUSE) “...Yes.”
And finally you guys, I read that the last Blockbuster location in Texas is closing. And when employees were told the news they said, (STONER) “Wait…we were still OPEN?”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.4.18
Well, it’s official. We’re moving the show to Minneapolis! (Hold onto your tater tots everyone!)
If you’re still at someone’s house after a Super Bowl party, I’ve got some news for you: they want you to leave. (They’re too polite to say it.)
That’s right, we’re coming to you LIVE from beautiful Minneapolis, Minnesota, the home of Super Bowl 52! Over 65 thousand people attended the Super Bowl tonight. Yep, the crowd was 10 percent Eagles fans, 10 percent Patriots fans... and 80 percent angry Vikings fans.
Of course I wanna say congratulations to the Philadelphia Eagles for winning the Super Bowl! And I know one thing’s for sure: The Roots are calling in sick tomorrow.
You guys - Justin Timberlake is on the show tonight! I knew he had a big day today, so last night I let him take the top bunk.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JANUARY 31 – FEBRUARY 7

Wednesday, January 31: Guests include Katie Couric, Rita Ora and musical guests Liam Payne & Rita Ora. Show 814

Thursday, February 1: Guests include Sam Smith, Cecily Strong and Dan White. Show 815

Friday, February 2: Guests include James Spader, Camila Cabello and Pete Lee. (OAD 1/12/18)

Sunday, February 4 Live from The Super Bowl: Guests include Justin Timberlake, Dwayne Johnson and cast of NBC’s “This is Us”

Monday, February 5: Guests include Saoirse Ronan, Timothée Chalamet and musical guest Camila Cabello. (OAD 1/10/18 )

Tuesday, February 6: Guests include Sarah Jessica Parker, Jesse Tyler Ferguson and musical guest Diplo Ft. MØ and Goldlink. Show 817

**Wednesday, February 7: Guests include Sienna Miller, Tim Tebow and musical guests Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds and Tye Tribbett sits-in with The Roots. Show 818

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JANUARY 30 – FEBRUARY 6
**Tuesday, January 30: Guests include Michael Strahan, Chrissy Teigen and musical guest The Voidz. Show 813

**Wednesday, January 31: Guests include Katie Couric, Rita Ora and musical guests Liam Payne & Rita Ora. Show 814

Thursday, February 1: Guests include Sam Smith, Cecily Strong and Dan White. Show 815

**Friday, February 2: Guests include James Spader, Camila Cabello and Pete Lee. (OAD 1/12/18)

**Sunday, February 4 Live from The Super Bowl: Guests include Justin Timberlake, Dwayne Johnson and cast of NBC’s “This is Us”

**Monday, February 5: Guests include Saoirse Ronan, Timothée Chalamet and musical guest Camila Cabello. (OAD 1/10/18 )

**Tuesday, February 6: Guests include Sarah Jessica Parker, Jesse Tyler Ferguson and musical guest Diplo Ft. MØ and Goldlink

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' January 22 – January 26

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.22.18
Good news – it looks like the government shutdown is over. They shut it down, and they started it back up. It's nice to know Trump’s plan for fixing the government is the same as fixing a Windows computer. (TRUMP) “Did you try unplugging it? Wait ten seconds.”
Another big story here. Saturday was the second annual Women’s March, and thousands of women held signs protesting the president. But Trump was like, “Joke’s on you – I can’t read.”
Let’s get to some sports here. Last night, the Eagles moved on to the Super Bowl after beating the Vikings 38 to 7. The last time someone got beat up that bad in Philadelphia, he had to move in with his Auntie and Uncle in Bel-Air.
Also, the New England Patriots advanced to the Super Bowl. Did you see this though? It looked like one of the referees was actually celebrating with the Patriots after the game. When asked if the game was rigged, the ref said, (RUSSIAN) “No – was completely normal game of American football. Heh heh.”
A lot of people were talking about this. Kim Kardashian and Kanye West named their newborn daughter “Chicago West.” That sounds less like a baby and more like something that would air on Thursdays at 10 p.m. on NBC. “Next on ‘Chicago West…’”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.23.18
I saw that today a White House adviser compared President Trump to Houdini, because “if you keep him in a cage, he’s gonna get out.” When asked how he knows that, he said, “Cuz we put him in a cage…and he got out.”
He said Trump’s like Houdini. If you think about it, Trump is a pretty good magician – cuz in the past year, he sawed his approval rating in half and made everyone who worked for him disappear.
In the meantime, Trump keeps demanding money for his border wall even though there are limited funds. Trump is like that couple on “House Hunters” who wants a five-bedroom mansion on a 70,000-dollar budget. (TRUMP) “And it has to have marble countertops! That is a must! I won’t even look at it!”
Meanwhile, the White House announced new restrictions on washing machines imported to the U.S. It’s partially to protect consumers – mainly because Trump was eating too many Tide Pods.
But this is cool. The History Channel’s show "Pawn Stars" is celebrating its 500th episode. To celebrate, the network gave the producers gold watches, which they immediately knew were fake.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.24.18
Some big news about the Russian investigation. It came out that Robert Mueller wants to interview President Trump. It’s gonna be awkward when Trump tries to flee to Mexico and can’t climb over his own wall.
But tonight, Trump is flying to Switzerland for the World Economic Forum, and the flight’s supposed to last EIGHT hours. Or as they told Trump, “16 ‘SpongeBobs.’”
But there were lots of protests in Switzerland. One person was holding a sign that said “Dump Trump.” But the president wasn’t mad – he said, “Haha, you spelled Donald wrong.”
I wanna say congrats to Senator Tammy Duckworth who will become the first U.S. Senator to have a baby while in office! That’s right, she’s having a baby, so at least we’ve got ONE Senator who’ll deliver.
Check this out, guys. Pizza Hut says if either team beats the record for the fastest touchdown in the Super Bowl, it’s giving away free pizza to people in its loyalty program. The only downside is you have to tell people that you’re in the Pizza Hut loyalty program.
This was pretty big today. Elton John just announced that he is going to retire after his next world tour. There's gonna be a dramatic moment at the end where he admits that the lyrics really ARE, “Hold me closer, Tony Danza.”
And finally, I saw that two guys in Minnesota were pulled over with almost 500 pounds of weed in their car. You could tell it was a lot, cuz even their GPS was like, (STONER) “Forget about the destination – it’s all about the journey, man!”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.25.18
Some pretty big news about the Russia investigation. President Trump told reporters that he's willing to talk to Robert Mueller under oath. Then Trump turned to his lawyers and said, (TRUMP) "Relax, I'll have my fingers crossed the whole time." (Foolproof legal defense.)
Yep, Trump is willing to talk to Robert Mueller under oath. But it’ll get off to a weird start when Trump’s told, “raise your right hand” and he goes “My right or your right?”
Meanwhile, the Justice Department recovered 50,000 missing text messages from FBI agents. Yep, 50,000! And they were ALL from just trying to set up a group brunch. (TEXTING) “I can’t make it then man, no way. My kid’s got karate.”
Trump’s actually in Switzerland for the World Economic Forum right now. Then someone asked him about “stakeholders,” and Trump said, “I believe the word is ‘fork.’”
Hey, some TV news here. It was announced that the 90s sitcom “Murphy Brown” is coming back. Yeah, ANOTHER revival! You also have “Roseanne” on ABC, “Will and Grace” on NBC, and “The Twilight Zone” on CNN.
A pretty big sports story here. WWE chairman Vince McMahon says that he's bringing back his football league, the XFL! XFL fans were like, (BRO) “What a day! Murphy Brown, and now this!”
Get this, you guys. A man broke a Guinness world record by walking barefoot on a 120-foot path of loose Legos. This beats the old record, set by every dad getting up to use the bathroom at night. (WALKING) “Ow! Ow! Ow!”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.26.18
This is kinda weird. It came out that the White House asked the Guggenheim if they could borrow a piece of art by Van Gogh. The museum said no, and instead, they offered Trump a sculpture of a gold toilet. Then Trump said, “Wait…that was just a sculpture?” (Uh oh – nobody go into the Oval Office!)
Oh, check this out. A 1969 Cadillac that was converted into the "world's fastest mobile hot tub" sold at an auction, but the bidder wants to remain anonymous. Cuz if you’re riding around in a HOT TUB CADILLAC, the last thing you want is attention.
And finally, you guys. I saw that this week, former First Lady Laura Bush was on the HGTV show “Fixer Upper.” While the current First Lady asked if she could appear on the show “Wife Swap.”

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JANUARY 25 – FEBRUARY 1
Thursday, January 25: Guests include Will Ferrell, Robert Irwin and musical guest Migos. Show 810

Friday, January 26: Guests include Chelsea Handler, Desus & Mero and Rob Haze. Show 811

Monday, January 29: Guests include Dakota Johnson, Lester Holt and musical guest Jason Aldean. Show 812

Tuesday, January 30: Guests include Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski, Chrissy Teigen and musical guest The Voidz. Show 813

Wednesday, January 31: Guests include Tom Selleck, Rita Ora and musical guests Liam Payne & Rita Ora. Show 814

**Thursday, Feb 1: Guests include Sam Smith, Cecily Strong and Dan White. Show 815

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JANUARY 24 – 31

Wednesday, January 24: Guests include Ice T, Meghan Trainor and musical guest The Avett Brothers. Show 809

Thursday, January 25: Guests include Will Ferrell, Robert Irwin and musical guest Migos. Show 810

Friday, January 26: Guests include Chelsea Handler, Desus & Mero and Rob Haze. Show 811

**Monday, January 29: Guests include Dakota Johnson, Lester Holt and musical guest Jason Aldean. Show 812

Tuesday, January 30: Guests include Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski, Chrissy Teigen and musical guest The Voidz. Show 813

**Wednesday, January 31: Guests include Tom Selleck, Rita Ora and musical guests Liam Payne & Rita Ora. Show 814

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JANUARY 23 – 30
Tuesday, January 23: Guests include Alex Rodriguez, Taylor Kitsch, Clive Davis and musical guest Bebe Rexha ft. Florida Georgia Line. Show 808

Wednesday, January 24: Guests include Ice T, Meghan Trainor and musical guest The Avett Brothers. Show 809

Thursday, January 25: Guests include Will Ferrell, Robert Irwin and musical guest Migos. Show 810

Friday, January 26: Guests include Chelsea Handler, Desus & Mero and Rob Haze. Show 811

Monday, January 29: Guests include Dakota Johnson, Lester Holt, Cindy Crawford and musical guest Jason Aldean. Show 812

**Tuesday, January 30: Guests include Joe Scarborough and Mika Brzezinski, Chrissy Teigen and musical guest The Voidz. Show 813

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JANUARY 22 – 29

Monday, January 22: Guests include Greg Kinnear, Jason Momoa and musical guest The War on Drugs. Show 807

Tuesday, January 23: Guests include Alex Rodriguez, Taylor Kitsch, Clive Davis and musical guest Bebe Rexha ft. Florida Georgia Line. Show 808

Wednesday, January 24: Guests include Ice T, Meghan Trainor and musical guest The Avett Brothers. Show 809

Thursday, January 25: Guests include Will Ferrell, Robert Irwin and musical guest Migos. Show 810

Friday, January 26: Guests include Chelsea Handler, Desus & Mero and Rob Haze. Show 811

**Monday, January 29: Guests include Dakota Johnson, Lester Holt, Cindy Crawford and musical guest Jason Aldean. Show 812

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' January 15 – January 19

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.15.18
This was pretty crazy. On Saturday, officials in Hawaii mistakenly sent out an alert that said a missile was headed toward the island. And Trump didn’t comment until the next day. That’s classic Trump right there. I mean, the first time there actually IS “fake news,” he's nowhere to be found. This is your thing!
Actually, Trump was pretty worried when he heard Hawaii might be in danger. He said, "Oh my God - is Moana okay?!"
I read that the worker who sent the alert has been reassigned. Yep, he’s now in charge of monitoring all active volcanoes.
The other big story is that Trump’s still facing backlash for his comments about Haiti and Africa. But now, there’s debate about whether he used the word “s-hole” or “s-house.” And in the meantime, Trump referred all questions on the matter to the White Hole. I mean, House.
You guys see this? On Saturday, the word “s---hole” was projected onto Trump’s D.C. hotel. It got even worse when Motel 6 sued them for copyright infringement.
But former White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci defended Trump, saying "At the end of the day, he's not a racist." Then he said, “DURING the day - it’s a different story. But not at the end!” (When he’s awake?? Totally!)
And another scandal here. It came out that Trump allegedly had a sexual encounter with adult film star Stormy Daniels in 2006. And get this - she says that he chased her around a hotel room in his tighty-whities. Which is interesting, cuz “Tighty-Whitey” is Mike Pence’s Secret Service codename. “Tighty-Whitey has landed.”
Hey, this is pretty cool. Saudi Arabia just lifted its 35-year cinema ban, and the first film they screened was “The Emoji Movie.” And then when “The Emoji Movie” ended, they decided to ban movies again.
And finally, you guys, I saw that the clothing company Topshop is selling pants that say “Fake News.” I think we already have “Fake News” pants – they’re called “Spanx.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.16.18
Today at the White House, President Trump had a meeting with the President of Kazakhstan, Nur-sultan Nazar-bayev. Or as Trump called him, "Hey...buddy." (How's it going...big guy?)
The results of Trump’s physical came out today. White House physician Dr. Ronny Jackson said President Trump is in excellent health. Trump thanked Jackson and told him to say hi to his brothers, Jermaine and Tito.
I saw that Trump spent yesterday playing golf instead of commemorating Martin Luther King Jr. People were pretty upset - then they thought about what Trump would’ve said and were like, “Probably a good move.”
Meanwhile, Trump's ex-wife is defending him, after it came out that he made racist comments last week. Trump was like, (TRUMP) "Wait a minute - which ex-wife, and which racist comments?"
Of course, not everyone’s standing by him. In an editorial, a former Trump employee called the president “mercurial, difficult, demanding, mean and petulant.” Trump was like, “I understood ‘mean.’”
Finally, I saw that Patriots star Rob Gronkowski taped a new PSA where he warns about the dangers of eating Tide detergent pods. Which backfired when ten seconds into the ad, he ate a Tide detergent pod. “What’s this ad for again?”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.17.18
A lot of people were skeptical when they heard Trump only weighs 239 pounds. But it actually checks out when you remember that for the weigh-in, Trump took off his clothes and hair.
Still, they say Trump hopes to drop 10-15 pounds this year. While Melania hopes to drop 239.
Today, Senator Jeff Flake gave a big speech on the Senate floor, and he compared President Trump to Russian dictator Joseph Stalin. Trump said, "Why - cuz we were both elected by Russians?"
And after he was accused of making racist remarks in a meeting last week, Trump tweeted that his approval rating among black voters has doubled. That story again: two times zero is still zero.
But this morning, Eric Trump went on “Fox & Friends,” and passionately defended his father. While at home, the president was like (TRUMP) “Where do I know that guy from?...”
But did you see this? Yesterday, in Japan, someone sent a false alert about a North Korean missile. Then the guy who sent it said, "Yeah...I might've lied about why I left my last job in Hawaii...” (Oooooops!)
The UK just appointed a "Minister of Loneliness," as if Morrissey isn't enough.
The UK just appointed its first-ever "Minister of Loneliness." Even worse, she’s the only person in the world with that job.
And finally, I wanna say congrats to Kim Kardashian and Kanye West, who just welcomed a baby girl this week! I don’t have a joke for that – I just wanna think back to the good old days when THAT would be our lead story. (Remember that? Wasn’t that nice?)

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.18.18
The big story today was that Congress had just one day left to prevent a government shutdown. But don’t worry - it’ll only affect non-essential government employees like park rangers, museum guides and the president.
I guess Congress had 24 hours to pass a short term spending bill, if they want to avoid a shutdown. Trump told them to do their jobs then went back to announcing the winners of a made-up awards show.
Did you see this? Last night, Trump tweeted a link to his Fake News Awards page – but for a while, it wouldn’t load. His IT guy was like (RUSSIAN) “Sorry – my trolls can only build so fast.”
But Trump named The New York Times, ABC News and CNN as the "Top 3" reporters of Fake News. And his “Top 3” reporters of REAL news were Fox News, his magic 8-ball and Snapple caps.
I saw that two new “ax-throwing bars” will open in Boston this year. That’s right, Boston is getting a new bar where people can try ax-throwing. And so far, all the customers give it one-and-a-half thumbs up.
And finally, a little sports news. Sunday is the AFC Championship game between the Patriots and the Jaguars! But I saw that Tom Brady injured his hand. People said, "What happened?!" And he said, "You know that new ax-throwing bar?"

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.19.18
Well, tomorrow marks the one-year anniversary of Donald Trump being sworn in as president. So if you thought the first year was rough - just wait for the Terrible Twos. (TRUMP) “I don’t WANNA wear shoes.”
Actually, a new poll says the word most Americans use to describe Trump’s first year in office is “disaster.” And when asked to describe HIS year in just one word, Trump said “Really great.” (That’s...two words...)
But another scandal here - adult film star Stormy Daniels told In Touch magazine she had an affair with Trump back in 2006. And she took a polygraph test as she shared the intimate details. But they had to call it off when the polygraph started throwing up.
But this is crazy. Stormy said she once "spanked" Trump with a Forbes magazine. When Trump heard that he said, “Fake news! It was a HIGHLIGHTS magazine.” (And yes, I solved the maze.)

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JANUARY 19 – 26
Friday, January 19: Guests include Trevor Noah, Dakota Fanning and Jeff Dye. Show 806

Monday, January 22: Guests include Greg Kinnear, Jason Momoa and musical guest The War on Drugs. Show 807

**Tuesday, January 23: Guests include Alex Rodriguez, Taylor Kitsch, Clive Davis and musical guest Bebe Rexha ft. Florida Georgia Line. Show 808

Wednesday, January 24: Guests include Ice T, Meghan Trainor and musical guest The Avett Brothers. Show 809

**Thursday, January 25: Guests include Will Ferrell, Robert Irwin and musical guest Migos. Show 810

**Friday, January 26: Guests include Chelsea Handler, Desus & Mero and Rob Haze. Show 811

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JANUARY 17 – 24

Wednesday, January 17: Guests include Savannah Guthrie & Hoda Kotb, Edgar Ramirez and musical guest French Montana. Show 804

Thursday, January 18: Guests include Jessica Chastain, Ricky Martin and musical guest Franz Ferdinand. Show 805

Friday, January 19: Guests include Trevor Noah, Dakota Fanning and Jeff Dye. Show 806

Monday, January 22: Guests include Greg Kinnear, Jason Momoa and musical guest The War on Drugs. Show 807

Tuesday, January 23: Guests include Alex Rodriguez, Taylor Kitsch and musical guest Bebe Rexha ft. Florida Georgia Line. Show 808

**Wednesday, January 24: Guests include Ice T, Meghan Trainor and musical guest The Avett Brothers. Show 809

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JANUARY 16 – 23
Tuesday, January 16: Guests include Chris Hemsworth, Carrie Brownstein and musical guest Caitlyn Smith. Show 803

Wednesday, January 17: Guests include Savannah Guthrie & Hoda Kotb, Edgar Ramirez and musical guest French Montana. Show 804

Thursday, January 18: Guests include Jessica Chastain, Ricky Martin and musical guest Franz Ferdinand. Show 805

Friday, January 19: Guests include Trevor Noah, Dakota Fanning and Jeff Dye. Show 806

Monday, January 22: Guests include Greg Kinnear, Jason Momoa and musical guest The War on Drugs. Show 807

**Tuesday, January 23: Guests include Alex Rodriguez, Taylor Kitsch and musical guest Bebe Rexha ft. Florida Georgia Line. Show 808

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JANUARY 15 – 22

Monday, January 15: Guests include Lily Tomlin & Jane Fonda, Cole Sprouse and musical guest WALK THE MOON. Show 802

Tuesday, January 16: Guests include Chris Hemsworth, Carrie Brownstein and musical guest Caitlyn Smith. Show 803

Wednesday, January 17: Guests include Savannah Guthrie & Hoda Kotb , Edgar Ramirez and musical guest French Montana. Show 804

Thursday, January 18: Guests include Jessica Chastain, Ricky Martin and musical guest Franz Ferdinand. Show 805

**Friday, January 19: Guests include Trevor Noah, Dakota Fanning and Jeff Dye. Show 806

**Monday, January 22: Guests include Greg Kinnear, Jason Momoa and musical guest The War on Drugs. Show 807

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' January 8 – January 12
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.8.17
Hey, I want to wish everyone a happy 2018! A lot of people are making New Year’s resolutions. Some people are losing weight - while the president’s losing his mind.
After his mental health was questioned in a new book, President Trump went on Twitter and said that he’s a "very stable genius." Trump says it was an accident -- he was trying to edit his OkCupid bio.
Yeah, Trump tweeted that he’s a “genius.” Then he said, “In fact, that’s what the J in Donald J. Trump stands for Donald Genius Trump.”
But this all started with a new book about the White House, called “Fire and Fury.” At first Trump didn't care, cuz he thought "Fire and Fury" was just a new flavor of Doritos.
There’s a lot of weird stuff in there. For instance, it says Trump insists on stripping his own sheets. He said one maid did such a bad job making his bed, you could barely tell it was a racecar.
But this wasn’t a huge surprise. The book says that Donald and Melania have separate bedrooms. Yeah, Trump sleeps in the White House’s master bedroom, while Melania sleeps in New York City.
And over the weekend, Eric Trump celebrated his 34th birthday at a Mexican restaurant, and he and Don Jr. wore sombreros. Which backfired when their dad had them deported. (TRUMP) “Get ‘em out!”
Hey, they Golden Globes were last night! Everybody’s talking about the big speech Oprah made - and a lot of people say she should run for president. But it’ll be weird at her State of the Union, when congress keeps checking under their seats for a free car. “YOU GET A CAR AND YOU GET A CAR!”
But this could be a big story. In fact, two of Oprah's close friends say that she's thinking about running in 2020. While two of Trump’s close friends said, “Please don’t refer to us as Trump’s close friends.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.9.17
I saw that today that President Trump was asked about Oprah running for president, and he said that he would defeat her. But then another guy said, (PUTIN) “Donald, there is only so much I can do for you. I mean - it’s OPRAH!”
Trump invited the press to an immigration meeting at the White House. He let them stick around for about an hour. They said, "This is the longest we've ever stayed here!” And Trump said, “Me too!”
Hey, I wanna say congratulations to Alabama, who overcame a 13-point deficit to win the College Football National Championship! Man, I'm just happy to say the words "Alabama" and "13" and not be talking about Roy Moore.
Some news for travelers here. I read that British Airways is getting rid of reclining seats on their planes. And if you think that’s bad, Southwest just announced that their new seats only recline forward.
Oh, this is nice. I saw that Princess Charlotte went to her first day of nursery school yesterday. It was a little intimidating for the other kids. Like for “show and tell,” she brought Scotland.
This is kinda weird. Last night at the Consumer Electronics Show in Vegas, there was a party that featured robot strippers. They said the annoying thing about robot strippers is when you give them a dollar, you have to make sure it’s not crinkled and facing the right way.
And finally, I read about a company that’s working on technology that would let your pet video chat with you. It’s fun to get a video chat from your dog, but depressing to watch your cat decline your call.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.10.17
I read that a Democratic Congressman is introducing a bill that would force presidential candidates to take a mental health exam. Yep, it’s called the “Too Little Too Late Act.”
Oh, listen to this. It came out that the FBI might’ve had an informant inside the Trump campaign. Yep, it was someone who wouldn’t draw much attention from Trump - which narrows it down to Don Jr. and Eric.
And I read that Trump will be visiting San Diego this month to look at prototypes for the border wall. He said he really wants to test how strong the walls are, so he told his staff to invite the Kool-Aid man to come too.
And this is a pretty big story. Steve Bannon is leaving Breitbart - but he said he’s proud of what they’ve accomplished in a short period of time. For example, in just a few months, they managed to fire Steve Bannon. (Pretty big achievement!)
In the meantime, Fox News released a statement saying they will not be hiring Bannon. Even worse - so did Uber.
Check this out. Arnold Schwarzenegger said he’s forming a coalition of moderate Republicans. Either that, or he said he’s “putting some lotion on llama butts and pelicans.” (ARNOLD) “I’m putting da lotion on da llama butts and da pelicans.” (I don’t know what he’s saying.)
And Betty White just did an interview where she said the secret to long life is drinking vodka and eating hot dogs. So finally, some GOOD news for Steve Bannon.
Oh, did you hear about this? There's a cell phone video of Harvey Weinstein being slapped at a restaurant in Arizona. And already, that clip is the favorite to win Best Picture at the Oscars.
The Consumer Electronics Show is going on in Vegas right now. And Dell showed off a glass laptop. As in, "Oh no - that TSA screener just dropped my glass laptop."
And finally, Prince Harry’s fiancée Meghan Markle just deleted her Twitter account, cuz you can’t have one when you marry someone in the Royal Family. People were like, “Can one of them marry Trump?”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.11.17
I saw that tomorrow, President Trump will have his first physical since taking office. It’ll get off to a weird start when he eats an entire jar of cotton balls cuz he thinks they’re marshmallows. (TRUMP) “These are pretty stale.”
You’ll know Trump eats a lot of junk food when the doctor puts the stethoscope to his chest, and Trump’s heart whispers, (WHEEZING/WHISPER) “Help me…”
Yep, it’s his first physical. There will be another awkward moment when Trump tells the doctor he’s sexually active, and from the waiting room Melania yells, “Fake news!”
Some business news here. The CEO of Domino's Pizza announced that he’s stepping down this summer. He’ll carefully pack up his office, then get home and find that all of his stuff is stuck to the top of the box.
And after being out of business for years, Circuit City announced that they’re opening stores again. Yeah, they said they couldn’t wait to fax their employees the news.
Meanwhile, Vermont could become the first state to legalize recreational marijuana through the state legislature. Then the state full of Ben & Jerry's and snowboarders said, (FAKE) "Oh good. We can finally start smoking weed."

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.12.17
It came out during a meeting on immigration yesterday, Trump referred to African countries and Haiti as – well, I can't say the word on TV. But let's say "s-holes." Right after that, Sarah Huckabee Sanders went out and got s-faced. “Tomorrow is gonna be ROUGH!!”
That's right, the President of the United States actually said that about other countries. So to everyone who thought 2018 would be better than last year...that lasted whole 11 days!
Actually, he said he wanted less immigrants from Haiti and Africa, and more immigrants from Norway. Even Steve Bannon was like, “Looks like I got out just in time!”


'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JANUARY 12 – 19

Friday, January 12: Guests include James Spader, Camila Cabello and Pete Lee. Show 801

Monday, January 15: Guests include Lily Tomlin & Jane Fonda, Cole Sprouse and musical guest WALK THE MOON. Show 802

Tuesday, January 16: Guests include Chris Hemsworth, Carrie Brownstein and musical guest Caitlyn Smith. Show 803

**Wednesday, January 17: Guests include Savannah Guthrie & Hoda Kotb , Edgar Ramirez and musical guest French Montana. Show 804

Thursday, January 18: Guests include Jessica Chastain, Ricky Martin and musical guest Franz Ferdinand. Show 805

**Friday, January 19: Guests include Trevor Noah and Dakota Fanning. Show 806
These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JANUARY 11 – 18
Thursday, January 11: Guests include Sam Rockwell, Tig Notaro and musical guests Alan Walker ft. Noah Cyrus. Show 800

**Friday, January 12: Guests include James Spader, Camila Cabello and Pete Lee. Show 801

Monday, January 15: Guests include Lily Tomlin & Jane Fonda, Cole Sprouse and musical guest WALK THE MOON. Show 802

Tuesday, January 16: Guests include Chris Hemsworth, Carrie Brownstein and musical guest Caitlyn Smith. Show 803

**Wednesday, January 17: Guests include Savannah Guthrie & Hoda Kotb and Edgar Ramirez. Show 804

**Thursday, January 18: Guests include Jessica Chastain, Ricky Martin and musical guest Franz Ferdinand. Show 805

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions


'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JANUARY 9 – 16

Tuesday, January 9: Guests include Hugh Grant, Greta Gerwig and musical guest A$AP Ferg. PJ Morton sits in with The Roots. Show 798

Wednesday, January 10: Guests include Saoirse Ronan, Timothée Chalamet and musical guest Camila Cabello. Show 799

Thursday, January 11: Guests include Sam Rockwell, Tig Notaro and musical guests Alan Walker ft. Noah Cyrus. Show 800

Friday, January 12: Guests include James Spader, Camila Cabello and musical guest Pete Lee. Show 801

Monday, January 15: Guests include Lily Tomlin & Jane Fonda, Cole Sprouse and musical guest Walk The Moon. Show 802

**Tuesday, January 16: Guests include Chris Hemsworth, Carrie Brownstein and musical guest Caitlyn Smith. Show 803

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JANUARY 8 – 15
Monday, January 8: Guests include Taraji P. Henson, Michael Che and musical guest Sofi Tukker. Show 797

**Tuesday, January 9: Guests include Hugh Grant, Greta Gerwin and musical guest A$AP Ferg. PJ Morton sits in with The Roots. Show 798

Wednesday, January 10: Guests include Saoirse Ronan, Timothée Chalamet and musical guest Camila Cabello. Show 799

Thursday, January 11: Guests include Sam Rockwell, Tig Notaro and musical guests Alan Walker ft. Noah Cyrus. Show 800

Friday, January 12: Guests include James Spader, Camila Cabello and musical guest Pete Lee. Show 801

**Monday, January 15: Guests include Lily Tomlin & Jane Fonda, Cole Sprouse and musical guest Walk The Moon. Show 802

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions


JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE, DWAYNE JOHNSON, ‘THIS IS US’ CAST JOIN ‘THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON’ ON FEB. 4 LIVE POST-SUPER BOWL TELECAST

NEW YORK — Jan. 9, 2018 — “The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” will host a star-studded guest lineup in Minneapolis for its special post-Super Bowl episode on Sunday, Feb. 4, including Justin Timberlake, Dwayne Johnson and the cast of NBC’s hit series “This Is Us.”

Following his third Super Bowl halftime performance, Timberlake will appear as both talk and musical guest in support of his fourth solo album, “Man Of The Woods,” set for release on Feb. 2. Also joining Fallon during the special broadcast will be film star Dwayne Johnson and “This is Us” castmates Milo Ventimiglia, Mandy Moore, Sterling K. Brown, Chrissy Metz and Justin Hartley.

The show will air live from the Orpheum Theatre in Minneapolis following NBC’s broadcast of Super Bowl LII, an original episode of “This Is Us” and late local news.

From Universal Television and Broadway Video, “The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” is executive produced by Lorne Michaels and produced by Gerard Bradford, Mike DiCenzo and Katie Hockmeyer. Jamie Granet-Bederman produces. “The Tonight Show” tapes before a live studio audience from Studio 6B in 30 Rockefeller Center.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: JANUARY 5 – 12
Friday, January 5: Guests include Jerry Seinfeld and Robert Irwin. (OAD 11/23/17)

Monday, January 8: Guests include Taraji P. Henson, Michael Che and musical guest Sofi Tukker. Show 797

**Tuesday, January 9: Guests include Hugh Grant, Desus & Mero and musical guest A$AP Ferg. PJ Morton sits in with The Roots. Show 798

Wednesday, January 10: Guests include Saoirse Ronan, Timothée Chalamet and musical guest Camila Cabello. Show 799

**Thursday, January 11: Guests include Sam Rockwell, Tig Notaro and musical guest Alan Walker ft. Noah Cyrus. Show 800

**Friday, January 12: Guests include James Spader, Camila Cabello and Pete Lee. Show 801

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

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