Saturday, December 7, 2019

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon on NBC

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: December 5 – 12


Friday, December 6: Guests include Will Ferrell, Alan Cumming and Jessica Kirson. OAD 11/21/19
Monday, December 9: Guests include Timothée Chalamet, Ashley Graham, Bong Joon Ho and musical guest Summer Walker. Show 1172

**Tuesday, December 10: Guests include Charlie Puth and musical guest Charlie Puth. Show 1173

Wednesday, December 11: Guests include Jon Hamm, Keri Russell and musical guest Gary Clark Jr. Show 1174

**Thursday, December 12: Guests include Ryan Reynolds, Niall Horan and musical guest Camila Cabello Ft. DaBaby. Show 1175

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: December 4 – 11


Wednesday, December 4: Guests include Senator Elizabeth Warren, Alanis Morissette and musical guest Alanis Morissette. Show 1170

Thursday, December 5: Guests include Jennifer Lopez, Camila Cabello and musical guest Camila Cabello. Show 1171

Friday, December 6: Guests include Will Ferrell, Alan Cumming and Jessica Kirson. OAD 11/21/19

**Monday, December 9: Guests include Timothée Chalamet, Ashley Graham, Bong Joon Ho and musical guest Summer Walker. Show 1172

**Tuesday, December 10: Guests include Annette Bening, Charlie Puth and musical guest Charlie Puth. Show 1173

**Wednesday, December 11: Guests include Jon Hamm, Keri Russell and musical guest Gary Clark Jr. Show 1174

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: December 2 – 9


Monday, December 2: Guests include John Mulaney, Karlie Kloss and musical guest Solange. Show 1168

Tuesday, December 3: Guests include a science Demo from Kevin Delaney, Felicity Jones, Tomi Adeyemi and musical guest Burna Boy. Show 1169

**Wednesday, December 4: Guests include Senator Elizabeth Warren, Alanis Morissette and musical guest Alanis Morissette. Show 1170

Thursday, December 5: Guests include Jennifer Lopez, Camila Cabello and musical guest Camila Cabello. Show 1171

Friday, December 6: Guests include Will Ferrell, Alan Cumming and Jessica Kirson. OAD 11/21/19

**Monday, December 9: Guests include Timothée Chalamet, Ashley Graham and musical guest Summer Walker. Show 1172

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' November 25 - December 1


Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.25.19
Thanksgiving is just a few days away, and I saw that about 50 million people will be traveling for the holiday. Yeah, here’s how that breaks down: 10 million are visiting family, while 40 million are delivering weed to those 10 million.
According to a study conducted by Motel 6, people get sick of family during the holidays after about 4 hours. That’s interesting, but I prefer to get all my data from the scientists at La Quinta.
The weather this week is actually supposed to be so bad that it could mean no balloons at this year’s Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. If you’re bummed, think about the guy who spent the last 11 months blowing them up.
This year’s National Thanksgiving Turkeys are staying at a hotel in DC. Even crazier, Eric and Don Jr. are spending the week in a turkey coop.
The big news from this weekend is that former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg has officially launched his presidential campaign. His new slogan is “Rebuild America.” Which is better than his first slogan: “More popular than de Blasio, less crazy than Giuliani.”
Bloomberg is worth around 54 BILLION dollars and he will be financing his own campaign. 54 BILLION! That’s crazy! To put that in perspective, that’s like adding up all the money Trump is worth and then adding 54 billion dollars.
The other big news from the weekend was Trump’s 53-minute phone call to “Fox & Friends.” That doesn’t include the first 20 minutes of the call where Trump kept yelling, “Representative!”
It was so nuts. Fox News actually ended the call. Which means the hosts of Fox & Friends were busier than the president of the United States.
This weekend, “Frozen 2” made over 130 million dollars! Which is why Elsa just announced she's running for president, and financing her own campaign.
There was a “Sopranos” convention in New Jersey. It was a lot of fun. There were people in tracksuits, smoking cigars, eating gabagool—then next door to that was the Sopranos convention.
It just came out that romaine lettuce has been linked to an E. coli outbreak. On the bright side, it looks like I’m just one salad away from losing all that Thanksgiving weight.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.26.19
Senator Bernie Sanders is my guest tonight! Right before the show, I heard Bernie talking backstage, which means he’s just five blocks away.
There was actually a fun moment before the show when our audio guy was putting a microphone on Bernie and he was like, “Trust me—I’m not gonna need that!”
In a new national poll, Bernie Sanders is ahead of President Trump by 1%. And that’s the only time you’ll ever hear Bernie Sanders say, “God bless the one percent!”
Trump pardoned a pair of turkeys named “Bread” and “Butter.” Or as Trump calls them, “The two essential food groups.”
You could actually go online and vote for which turkey got the “official” pardon, which is why Butter’s lawyer got caught in Ukraine trying to find dirt on Bread.
After they got pardoned, Bread and Butter were sent to a farm in Virginia known as “Gobbler’s Rest.” “Gobbler’s Rest”—which is also the nickname for Mitch McConnell’s neck.
A Phoenix man was arrested for stealing another man's burrito. Right now the man could face up to ten years in prison or of course extra if they find guacamole.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.27.19
I love Thanksgiving—it’s fun spending the day looking at passed out relatives and trying to guess—full, high or drunk.
Thanksgiving is almost here. Tomorrow you'll be patting, rubbing, and stuffing your turkey -- while today, the TSA did all of that to you.
Even though it’s Thanksgiving, tomorrow you can still go to Applebee’s, Boston Market, and Denny’s. It’s perfect if you just realized something’s not working—like your oven, your stove, or your marriage.
I saw that storms are already wreaking havoc across the country and the Northwest is getting hit with a bomb cyclone. That sounds like something your uncle says as he runs to the bathroom on Thanksgiving. “Lookout Jimmy! There’s about to be a bomb cyclone!”
The Northwest is dealing with a bomb cyclone, featuring 100 mile per hour winds, rain, and snow. So it looks like winter AND your in-laws showed up earlier than you wanted.
If you don’t live in the Northwest, but you still wanna experience a bomb cyclone, just walk into any TJ Maxx on Black Friday.
President Trump held a rally in Sunrise, Florida and he called the impeachment inquiry a “scam,” “a terrible hoax” and a “witch hunt.” People in the crowd were like, “Looks like we’re getting leftovers BEFORE Thanksgiving.”
Trump is currently at Mar-a-lago to celebrate Thanksgiving. He’s actually excited about the holiday cuz this year Eric and Don Jr, are gonna pull the wishbone and the loser will take the fall for Ukraine.
Some 2020 Democratic candidates have announced their Thanksgiving plans. I saw that Pete Buttigieg is going deer-hunting, Kamala Harris will be cheering on runners at a turkey trot and Bernie Sanders will tell his family what the Pilgrims were like at the first Thanksgiving.
Democrats will start drafting articles of impeachment against Trump. But this is nice. They’re gonna deliver the articles with one of those giant red bows you see in a Lexus commercial.
For the first time in years, Toys R Us is opening new stores. But when you go inside, it’s just one laptop connected to Amazon.
For Black Friday 23AndMe is offering 50% off DNA tests. That’s how you know you had a rough Thanksgiving with the family—when the first thing you buy is a DNA test to prove you’re not related.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.28.19
I love Thanksgiving—it’s that special time where you spend half the day complaining about driving then the other half wishing you were back on the road.
Millions of Americans are stuffed, and the holidays are just starting. Yeah, as we speak, everyone’s Peloton is being slowly turned into a clothing rack.
In the early days of the parade, they just let the balloons fly away at the end. Which is why Thanksgiving in New Jersey was known as, “The day the sky monsters came.”
Hundreds of volunteer clowns marched in the parade. Yeah, cuz after “It: Chapter 2” and “Joker,” that’s definitely what you want running up to your kids.
We saw the New Orleans Saints take on the Atlanta Falcons. And this was nice—the Falcons wore a patch on their jerseys in memory of all the birds we lost today.
The Falcons play in Mercedes-Benz Stadium. And the Saints play in the Mercedes-Benz Superdome. While the Cincinnati Bengals play in the Hyundai Abandoned Field.
President Trump had Thanksgiving dinner at Mar-a-Lago. At one point during the meal, Trump built a wall around his turkey with mashed potatoes to prevent any vegetables from getting in.
I saw that Amazon is having huge deals on vacuums and crockpots. It’s being described as the best Black Friday deal of 1979.
Monopoly just released a “Longest Game Ever” edition, where the only way to win is to buy all 66 properties in the game. So if you didn’t get into a fight with your family on Thanksgiving, this oughta do it!

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.1.19
After spending 12 hours on Thanksgiving eating, drinking and watching football, it was nice to relax today with 12 hours of eating, drinking and watching football.
There were some big match-ups today. You had “Oakland vs. Kansas City,” “San Francisco vs. Baltimore,” and “Americans vs. their Bathroom Scale.”
The New England Patriots played the Houston Texans. For the Texans, it was the biggest game of the year. For the Patriots, it was a short layover in Houston on the way to the Super Bowl.
The Houston Texans have one of the biggest JumboTrons in the NFL. Even crazier, they bought it on Black Friday for a hundred bucks.
It’s officially the holiday season and everyone is in the spirit—even the Jets gift-wrapped the Bengals their first win of the season.
The winless Cincinnati Bengals played the New York Jets. When fans in Cincinnati yelled, “You suck!” both teams were like, “Wait—are you yelling at us, or at them?”
Ever since a black cat ran onto the field during Monday Night Football a month ago, teams with “cat” names were 0 and 12 heading into today. And this only proves...that there’s a stat guy who definitely didn’t bring a date home for Thanksgiving.
The Giants hosted the Green Bay Packers for a game in the snow in New Jersey. You could tell it was cold when both quarterbacks had their hands under the centers’ butt even during the commercials.
The weather was brutal today with snow, ice and rain slowing down one of the busiest travel days of the year. Flight delays ranged between one hour and “The Irishman” on Netflix.
I read that about 30 million people flew for Thanksgiving. It sounds like a lot until you realize 50 million booked tickets.
The day before Thanksgiving, a woman actually gave birth on an American Airlines flight. While it was happening, the guy next to her was like, “You know what? I will buy those headphones.”

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: November 27 – December 6


Wednesday, November 27: Guests include John Boyega, Abigail Spencer and musical guest JP Saxe ft. Julia Michaels. Show 1165

Thursday, November 28: Guests include Tracy Morgan, Brian Regan and musical guest Jason Aldean. Show 1166

Friday, November 29: Guests include Kristen Bell, Judd Apatow and musical guest Danny Brown. OAD 11/12/19

**Sunday, December 1: Guests include Tiffany Haddish, Lakeith Stanfield and musical guest The Free Nationals ft. Anderson .Paak. Show 1167

Monday, December 2: Guests include John Mulaney, Karlie Kloss and musical guest Solange. Show 1168

Tuesday, December 3: Guests include a science Demo from Kevin Delaney, Felicity Jones, Tomi Adeyemi and musical guest Burna Boy. Show 1169

Wednesday, December 4: Guests include John Lithgow, Alanis Morissette and musical guest Alanis Morissette. Show 1170

Thursday, December 5: Guests include Jennifer Lopez, Camila Cabello and musical guest Camila Cabello. Show 1171

**Friday, December 6: Guests include Will Ferrell, Alan Cumming and Jessica Kirson. OAD 11/21/19
These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: November 26 – December 5


Tuesday, November 26: Guests include Senator Bernie Sanders, Katherine Langford and Gary Vaynerchuk. Show 1164

Wednesday, November 27: Guests include John Boyega, Abigail Spencer and musical guest JP Saxe ft. Julia Michaels. Show 1165

Thursday, November 28: Guests include Tracy Morgan, Brian Regan and musical guest Jason Aldean. Show 1166

**Friday, November 29: Guests include Kristen Bell, Judd Apatow and musical guest Danny Brown. OAD 11/12/19

**Sunday, December 1: Guests include Tiffany Haddish, Lakeith Stanfield and musical guest the Nationals ft. Anderson .Paak. Show 1167

**Monday, December 2: Guests include John Mulaney, Karlie Kloss and musical guest Solange. Show 1168

**Tuesday, December 3: Guests include a science Demo from Kevin Delaney, Felicity Jones, Tomi Adeyemi and musical guest Burna Boy. Show 1169

**Wednesday, December 4: Guests include John Lithgow, Alanis Morissette and musical guest Alanis Morissette. Show 1170

**Thursday, December 5: Guests include Jennifer Lopez, Camila Cabello and musical guest Camila Cabello. Show 1171

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' November 18 - November 22


Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.18.19
It seems like there’s so much going on right now. The impeachment hearings are in full swing. There’s a Democratic debate on Wednesday. The new “Star Wars” show “The Mandalorian” has a Baby Yoda. And Taco Bell wants people to take their chicken tacos, stick them in a blender, and serve them as a bisque for Thanksgiving.
The impeachment hearings are heating up with four more witnesses testifying tomorrow. It turns out, asking a foreign leader for election help is a pretty bad idea. You know what else is a bad idea? Blending Taco Bell into a bisque.
Taco Bell says it’s perfect for Thanksgiving, but I don’t remember the Pilgrims whipping their fast food into a purée. I’d rather do anything than eat liquid Taco Bell—I’d even be willing to watch...The Democratic Debate.
Candidates face off on Wednesday, and the latest poll has the leader in Iowa as Pete Buttigieg. Yeah, Buttigieg is number one. And do you know who else is a popular lil’ cutie? Baby Yoda.
He’s everyone’s favorite new character from “The Mandalorian.” But check him out. He’s green, and he’s weak. Kinda just like a person who just ate...Taco Bell bisque.
Trump had his annual physical. There was an awkward moment when the nurse told Trump, “Mr. President, the open part of the robe should be in the back.”
A lot of people are asking questions about Trump’s health, since a trip to the doctor wasn’t on his schedule. Although, you could probably just read Trump’s schedule and see why he needed a doctor. Two breakfasts, a brunch, a lunch, a linner? What the hell is a linner?
Trump said he’s feeling great. Today he was like, “I’m the picture of health: I do 10 steps a day. I drink eight glasses of Diet Coke. And I try to get a good 7-to-8 hours of tweeting.
Everyone is still talking about the impeachment. I heard that Republicans want to call their own witnesses, but Democrats said they’re just trying to distract people from the facts. They might have a point—the first witness Republicans called was Baby Yoda.
Nancy Pelosi invited Trump to come testify personally, and Trump tweeted that he’ll, “strongly consider it.” Then Trump shook his Magic 8 Ball again and decided, “outlook not so good.”
It was just announced that the next ‘Real Housewives’ franchise is coming to Salt Lake City! And this is cool, since the show is in Utah, all the housewives will be married to the same guy.
Marie Kondo launched an online store today where you can buy candles, books, and kitchen products. Yeah, here’s how it works - first you buy the items from Marie and then six months later, she shows up at your house and makes you throw them out.
Netflix dropped Season 3 of, “The Crown.” Yeah, after a week of people going crazy for Disney+, Netflix was like, “I know how to get them back! A period drama about the English monarchy!”
T-Mobile announced that CEO John Legere will be stepping down after his contract expires in April. Good lord, even the CEO of T-Mobile can’t get out of his contract early.
Ford just unveiled its first-ever electric Mustang. It runs so quiet, you can actually hear the guy driving it whisper, “I have a small penis.” 

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.19.19
Chadwick Boseman is my guest tonight! Chadwick has been super busy. He’s promoting his new movie AND he’s been getting texts all day from Trump about fleeing to Wakanda.
Today was Day 3 of the impeachment hearings. Which means it was also the third day of Americans turning on the TV to watch Ellen and then screaming, “You gotta be kidding me!”
It was Day 3 of the impeachment hearings and it was once again on every channel. On the bright side, after 3 days, the impeachment is already one of the longer running shows on network television.
Three witnesses testified last week, four witnesses testified today and another five are scheduled for later this week. So good news, we’re just a few more people away from an all witness version of “Guess Who?”
During the testimony, there was a lighter moment when Vindman joked that he speaks Russian, Ukrainian, and “a little bit of English.” Then Trump was like, “OMG, me too!”
Of course the other big political story is that the hashtag #fartgate was trending yesterday, after people thought Representative Eric Swalwell may have “passed gas” on live TV. I guess we finally know who the whistleblower is.
Hackers have stolen thousands of Disney+ customers information. I don’t know what’s worse, that my hackers have my account info or that they know I watched Beverly Hills Chihuahua three times on Monday.
Macy’s announced that customers who shopped on their website last month may have had their credit card information stolen. Right now, J.C. Penney is like, “Haha! That’s what you get for having a website and customers.”
I saw that in China, you may soon be able to pay for items by just having your face scanned. Though it's gonna be a bummer when people hear, "Sorry but your face has been declined."
Two raccoons fell through a ceiling of a CVS store here in New York and started wandering the aisles. Luckily, the store manager was able to lasso them with a long receipt.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.20.19
What a special night it is! Our entire audience is made of people Gordon Sondland implicated in the Ukraine scandal!
I don’t wanna say things are bad for Trump, but right now, not even Baby Yoda could cheer that guy up.
We heard testimony from Ambassador Gordon Sondland who directly implicated Trump in the Ukraine scandal. You can tell it was bad for Trump, cuz he did something he NEVER does—he turned off the TV.
Ambassador Sondland basically implicated Trump, Rudy Giuliani and most of his cabinet. At that point, Trump grabbed his chest and said, “I think I’m ready for phase 2 of my physical!”
Seriously, Sondland named ALL of them. He was basically the Oprah of witnesses like, “You’re going to jail! You’re going to jail! You’re going to jail!”
Some of you may recognize him from his famous line in The Princess Bride when he said, “Inconceivable!”
The quid pro quo is really bad news for Trump—mostly cuz now he has to learn Latin words. “I barely know English!”
Mike Pence was on the phone like, “Could you send someone to move all my stuff into the Oval Office.”
Then, Pence was back on the phone like, "Umm, on second thought, you can cancel that last request.”
People were calling Sondland’s testimony “explosive.” I haven’t heard the word “explosive” so much since Chipotle started selling queso.
After Sondland noted many times in his opening statements there was a quid pro quo, there was a brief recess. You can see the disappointment in Devin Nunes’ face. The last time Nunes made that face was when Chili’s told him it was gonna be a 40 minute wait.
On NBC, Chuck Todd said the Democrats were doing a great job building their case “brick by brick.” So it sounds like the Democrats are gonna get their wall before Trump.
I’m not saying Trump is in trouble, but Vladimir Putin spent the day thinking, “We better find new candidate for 2020.”
Trump actually watched the rest of the hearings while flying on Air Force One. I’m not saying Trump is worried, but at one point during the flight he opened the door to get some air.
Trump toured Apple’s manufacturing facility in Texas with Apple CEO, Tim Cook. Previously, Trump called Apple CEO, Tim Cook, "Tim Apple"—but, to his credit, Trump didn't make the same mistake this time—he called him, "Tim Computer."
I’m not sure Trump’s mind was in the right place at the Apple facility. At one point he started swallowing a bunch of pills until someone said, “Sir, those are Air Pods.”
Earlier tonight was the fifth Democratic debate. Going into it, Biden was in first and Warren was in second, but after what happened today, the new Democratic favorite is Gordon Sondland.
Tonight’s debate was hosted by MSNBC and the Washington Post. I guess they tried to get the two things Trump hates the most but Eric and Don Jr. were busy.
The Grammy nominations were announced today! And I saw that Lizzo led everyone with eight nominations! Which feels right since, “Truth Hurts” definitely seems to be the theme of the day.
There’s a new male birth control about to go on the market, but it involves men getting an injection into their...groin. Meanwhile, women are like, “Aww...try childbirth.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.21.19
Last night was the fifth Democratic Presidential debate. Because after a full week of impeachment hearings, what better way to relax than watching 10 Democrats yell at each other.
I think I’m watching way too much news. Last night I listened to Rachel Maddow talk for an hour and then I realized my TV wasn’t even on.
Pete Buttigieg tried to separate himself from the field by claiming he was the least wealthy person on stage. Then he added, “But that could change after my parents give me my allowance.”
Joe Biden had some pretty big blunders on issues of race and domestic violence. Or as Biden’s campaign is calling it: a pretty average night.
While talking about domestic violence, Biden said we need to “keep punching at it and punching at it.” At that point, even Trump was like, “Why did I even call Ukraine! He’s doing it to himself!”
Biden also caught heat for saying that he quote, “came out of the black community." When she heard, Rachel Dolezal was like, “Well, he has my vote!”
Bernie Sanders picked up a huge endorsement from Ariana Grande. When asked how he got her support, Bernie said, “I see it, I like it, I want it, I got it!”
The MTA purposely flooded a New York City subway station to test it’s anti-flood system. When they saw, New Yorkers were like, “At least its water this time.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.22.19
My guest tonight is John Legend! John has won an Oscar! A Tony! An Emmy! A Grammy! And he was just named People Magazine’s Sexiest Man Alive! Even more impressive—his Uber passenger rating is SIX!
I want to wish everyone a happy Friday! If you think you're relieved this week's over, imagine how the president feels.
What a week! We had impeachment hearings. We had a Democratic debate. Ariana Grande endorsed Bernie Sanders. And yet, all anybody will remember is that someone farted on MSNBC.
It was a brutal week for the President Trump. Witness after witness testified against him. I don’t want to say it was a disaster, but even Prince Andrew was like, “How ya holding up, buddy?”
I’m not saying Trump was in bad shape, but even Don Jr. was like, “We’re gonna do Thanksgiving at Boston Market this year.”
We are one week away from Black Friday! It’s that yearly tradition of people lining up outside department stores for hours and then realizing they can buy it all from home on Cyber Monday.
Victoria’s Secret has officially cancelled their Fashion Show. Or as one guy put it, “Oh my god, this week CAN get worse!”
‘Property Brothers’ are starting a magazine. They plan on handling the magazine just like their show: one brother will create the entire thing and the other will do nothing in a suit.
A new study found that teenage elephants are like human teenagers—they make a lot of mistakes, they’re stubborn, and they take risks. In response, teen elephants sucked on a vape and said, “You don’t know me!”

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: November 22 – 28


Friday, November 22: Guests include John Legend, M. Night Shyamalan and musical guest John Legend. Show 1162

Monday, November 25: Guests include Daisy Ridley, Tom Hiddleston, Michael Eric Dyson and musical guest Noah Cyrus & Leon Bridges. Show 1163

Tuesday, November 26: Guests include Senator Bernie Sanders, Katherine Langford and Gary Vaynerchuk. Show 1164

**Wednesday, November 27: Guests include John Boyega, Abigail Spencer and musical guest JP Saxe ft. Julia Michaels. Show 1165

**Thursday, November 28: Guests include Tracy Morgan, Brian Regan and musical guest Jason Aldean. Show 1166

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: November 19 – 26


Tuesday, November 19: Guests include Chadwick Boseman, Evan Rachel Wood, David Byrne and musical guest David Byrne’s American Utopia. Show 1159

Wednesday, November 20: Guests include Dolly Parton, Kacey Musgraves and musical guest Kacey Musgraves. Show 1160

Thursday, November 21: Guests include Will Ferrell, Alan Cumming and Jessica Kirson. Show 1161

Friday, November 22: Guests include John Legend, M. Night Shyamalan and musical guest John Legend. Show 1162

**Monday, November 25: Guests include Daisy Ridley, Tom Hiddleston, Michael Eric Dyson and musical guest Noah Cyrus & Leon Bridges. Show 1163

**Tuesday, November 26: Guests include Senator Bernie Sanders, Katherine Langford and Gary Vaynerchuk. Show 1164

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' November 11 - November 15


Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.11.19
It’s Veterans Day, and tonight our entire audience is made up of military veterans and military families! So right now, I’m gonna say something to you that I never say to AT&T: thank you for your service.
Not only is our audience tonight made up of U.S. Military veterans, but the entire back row is filled with current service men and women who are just sobering up from Fleet Week.
Thank you all for being here. And I thank you all for the sacrifices you have made fighting overseas while we’re at home fighting over Popeye’s chicken sandwiches.
Seriously, you guys are so much tougher than me. I’m not kidding, I can’t even get through ten minutes of Call Of Duty without a 15 year old making me cry.
I saw that there were a lot of Veterans Day shopping deals. For instance, Chipotle offered veterans “buy one, get one free” burritos. That’s right TWO Chipotle burritos. Even people who made it through Navy SEAL training were like, “I can’t handle that type of action...I feel a dishonorable discharge coming on...”
Lots of businesses were closed for Veterans Day. All banks were closed, the post office was closed, Sears was closed, although that had nothing to do with Veterans Day.
I’m so glad all of you are here. I have to say, after three months of watching the Jets and Giants, it’s nice to finally be able to clap for people in uniform.
Today was the 100th annual Veteran’s Day Parade in New York City, and President Trump attended. But I think he was a little confused. Cuz the entire time he kept asking, “Where’s the Snoopy balloon?”
Trump was actually gonna march in the parade, but at the last minute, he said his bone spurs were bothering him.
It was really nice of the president to show up for our veterans. He got up and said, “I love vets. Without them, who would take care of our pets when they get sick?”
I wanna say congrats to Sesame Street for turning 50 years old! You can tell some of the Sesame Street characters are getting older, cuz Cookie Monster now shouts, “Me want Belvita Biscuit to keep self regular.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.12.19
Most of the country was hit with snow, ice and record low temperatures. Yeah, millions of Americans woke up this morning like, “Damn, this promotion for ‘Frozen 2’ is nuts!”
Almost 70 percent of the country got hit with an “arctic blast.” You know it’s cold when they start describing the weather with flavors of Dentyne gum.
It was so cold, President Trump stayed warm by burning copies of Don Jr.’s new book.
It was so cold, Mitch McConnell’s chins were chattering all day long.
It’s a good day to be inside cuz the new Disney streaming service launched today! Yep, Disney+ is available and it features almost 500 movies. 500 movies or as Samuel L. Jackson calls it, “One year of work.”
Disney+ started streaming at 12:01am and suffered a few “technical problems.” When he heard about streaming problems at midnight, Bernie Sanders was like, “Been there, doing THAT!”
Disney+ is pretty amazing. It features all the movies from Marvel, Star Wars and Pixar. And just to compete with Netflix, it also features a thousand stand-up specials from Disney characters you’ve never heard of.
Experts think Disney+ could be the biggest threat to Netflix yet. Yeah, right now both streaming services are racing to see who can raise the price a dollar each month without you noticing.
You can tell Netflix is worried -- instead of asking, “Are you still watching?” now it says, “And where the hell do you think you’re going?
Disney+ has so much content to choose from. They’ve got Disney, Pixar, Marvel, Star Wars, and National Geographic. Everyone was like, “Wait, how did National Geographic wind up sitting with all the cool kids?”
That’s like a concert ad that says, “Come see John, Paul, George, and...National Geographic!”
People are really excited about Disney+. In fact, Disney+ is the White House’s only plan to distract Trump from the impeachment hearings.
Republicans have a memo that outlines their four strategies to defend Trump. We actually got a copy, and it just says “Pull the fire alarm” then “Repeat” three times.
To counter what people see on TV, I heard that Rudy Giuliani might launch his own podcast that would provide analysis of the impeachment hearings. The podcast doesn’t have a name yet although prosecutors are already calling it: “Exhibit A.”
I can’t wait for Rudy’s podcast. It’ll be fun to hear him rant against the Democrats, and then take a 30 second break to read an ad for Casper Mattresses.
I heard that Instagram might get rid of “likes” as soon as this week. Yeah, no more likes. In response, people immediately stopped running marathons and having babies.
I read that weed may soon be legal in New Jersey. It’s pretty simple. You smoke weed in New Jersey, then you ACTUALLY fuggedaboutit.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.13.19
You could tell it was World Kindness Day cuz all day long, New Yorkers were like, “No please, YOU take the wet subway seat.” “Screw me? No sir, screw you!”
The bad news today is that the country is still dealing with this arctic blast, it was freezing outside. Seriously, “Frozen 2” isn’t just the name of a movie—it’s also a nickname for my nipples.
It was also freezing down in Washington D.C. It was so cold, during today’s impeachment hearing, Democrats and Republicans put aside their differences and spooned each other for warmth.
Today was the first public impeachment hearing, but apparently Trump didn’t watch. Trump wanted to, but he threw his TV remote out the window when he wasn't named People Magazine's Sexiest Man of the Year.
It was such a tense day in Washington, emotional support dogs were actually brought in to help members of Congress deal with the stress. If you think you had a rough day, think about the dog that had to spend 12-hours cuddling with Mitch McConnell.
A lot of bars in D.C. opened up at 9am so people could watch the hearing and drink. Yeah, drinking all morning on a workday—or as White House staffers call that, “every day.”
Bill Taylor’s testimony was brutal for Trump—he clearly outlined how the president tried to get Ukraine to investigate Biden in exchange for aid. Which means it’s the second time in Trump’s life that his cover-up didn’t work.
Pete Buttigieg is now leading the polls in Iowa! Pete’s very proud. He’s been walking around like he’s 5-feet tall.
Hillary Clinton is in the news. In a new interview she said, “many, many, many people” are urging her to run in 2020. When asked to name them she said, “Pinot, Zinfandel, Cabernet and Sauvignon Blanc

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.14.19
Donald Trump Jr.’s, new book is now #1 on The New York Times Best Seller List. When he heard, President Trump was like, “You lost me at New York Times and lost me again at Don Jr.”
I’m just kidding, Trump was actually pretty excited for Don Jr. He even tweeted: “Wow! Was just told that my son’s book, “Triggered,” is #1 on The New York Times Bestseller List. Congratulations Don!”
Yeah, it was a pretty special moment for Don Jr., until a few minutes later when Trump tweeted: “JUST GOT HACKED! IGNORE LAST TWEET!”
The impeachment hearings continue, and we'll hear from Marie Yovanovitch, the Ambassador to Ukraine that Trump fired. I’m a little worried cuz if every person Trump’s ever fired is gonna testify, the impeachment will last FOREVER.
All the regular daytime TV shows will be preempted again for the impeachment hearing. But to keep viewers happy, they’re getting the “Price is Right” announcer to tell the witnesses to, “come on down!”
ANOTHER eight witnesses are gonna testify next week. Just a word of advice to the Democrats—if you pre-empt another five episodes of “The Kelly Clarkson Show,” NO ONE is gonna support you.
I saw that Netflix and Nickelodeon are teaming up to make movies and TV shows for kids. Yeah, right now Netflix is competing with Disney to make sure your kids never go outside again.
Apple just announced that they’re launching their most powerful laptop ever, the new Mac Pro, at a cost of 6,000 dollars. 6,000 dollars for something hot to sit on your lap, or as most guys call that—a bachelor party.
The world’s largest Starbucks opens tomorrow in Chicago. This place is huge. It’s 35,000 square feet, it’s five stories high, and best of all—it’s got TWO outlets.
It’s a Starbucks that’s five stories high. I think I know how this happened. When the builder said, “What size do you want?” the Starbucks people were like, “tall.”
That Starbucks is massive. I’ll give you an idea, when you ask for the bathroom key, it’s attached to a car door.
I saw that food brands Post and Hostess are teaming up to make a Twinkie cereal. That story again: Post and Hostess are teaming up to give stoners diabetes.
Alex Rodriguez is my guest tonight! He’s here promoting his show called, “Back In The Game,” which is about helping athletes manage their finances.
A-Rod has some really good financial advice. He tells people, “It helps to save, it helps to invest, and it helps to marry an actress worth half a billion dollars.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.15.19
My guest tonight is Celine Dion! Celine has played giant arenas, small venues, and a residency in Vegas – the only place that won’t book her is a cruise ship.
Of course, Celine sang the theme song for “Titanic.” Which is now also the theme song for Trump’s Presidency.
The impeachment hearings are in full swing and next week, we’ll hear testimony from Jennifer Williams, an aide to Mike Pence. Right now, Jennifer is like, “If you think the hearings are boring, try being an aide to Mike Pence.” (PENCE) “Jennifer! Are these pleated khakis too risqué?”
You guys know the phrase “Netflix and Chill?” Well for Disney Plus, apparently people are saying, “Disney Plus and Thrust.” Well, NBC’s streaming service is called “Peacock” – so, they miiiight wanna change that soon.
Well, the big movie this weekend is “Ford vs. Ferrari” starring Matt Damon and Christian Bale. It’s supposed to do much better at the box office than today’s other release: “Hyundai vs. Kia.”
A new poster for the upcoming season of The Bachelor was just released and the slogan for this season is “Expect Turbulence.” When they saw, Spirit Airlines was like, “Hey! Get your own damn slogan!”
According to a new study, 50-percent of people don’t change their underwear every day. Yeah, HALF. So if you change yours every day, that’s great, but odds are, the person who sat in your seat last night didn’t.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: November 15 – 22


Friday, November 15: Guests include Celine Dion, Tig Notaro, Colin O’Brady and Shin Lim. Show 1157

Monday, November 18: Guests include Seth Meyers, Cobie Smulders and musical guest Tones & I. Show 1158 

Tuesday, November 19: Guests include Chadwick Boseman, Evan Rachel Wood, David Byrne and musical guest David Byrne’s American Utopia. Show 1159

Wednesday, November 20: Guests include Dolly Parton, Kacey Musgraves and musical guest Kacey Musgraves. Show 1160

**Thursday, November 21: Guests include Will Ferrell, Alan Cumming and Jessica Kirson. Show 1161

**Friday, November 22: Guests include John Legend, M. Night Shyamalan and musical guest John Legend. Show 1162

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: November 13 – 20


Wednesday, November 13: Guests include Rachel Maddow, Tony Hale and musical guest Dominic Fike. Show 1155

Thursday, November 14: Guests include Alex Rodriguez, Lili Reinhart and Ian Lara. Show 1156

Friday, November 15: Guests include Celine Dion, Tig Notaro, Colin O’Brady and Shin Lim. Show 1157

**Monday, November 18: Guests include Seth Meyers, Cobie Smulders and musical guest Tones & I. Show 1158 

**Tuesday, November 19: Guests include Chadwick Boseman, Evan Rachel Wood, David Byrne and musical guest David Byrne’s American Utopia. Show 1159

**Wednesday, November 20: Guests include Dolly Parton, Kacey Musgraves and musical guest Kacey Musgraves. Show 1160

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' November 4 - November 7


Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.4.19
My guest tonight is Chris Evans! And right now, even Chris Pine, Chris Hemsworth, and Chris Pratt are like, “Wait – which one is he again??”
I wanna say congrats to the 50,000 runners who finished yesterday’s New York City marathon! I love the marathon. It’s the one day of the year you can rub Vaseline on your nipples in public and not get arrested.
I can’t imagine the excitement of finishing a marathon. I get excited when I’m out running errands and accidentally get 10,000 steps.
The men and women’s marathon were both won by runners from Kenya. Which means Kenya is probably home to the world’s best marathon runners and the world’s most annoying Instagram accounts.
The winning time in the men and women’s race was just over two hours. Or as that’s known to everyone who DIDN’T RUN on Sunday – roughly 7 episodes of “Friends.”
This weekend was the end of Daylight Saving Time so we all gained an extra hour. Which is just what you want when your kids are home with a pillowcase full of Halloween candy.
Thanks to the end of Daylight Saving Time, Americans picked up one more hour of sleep and one more hour to boo Trump at a sporting event.
Over the weekend, Trump attended a UFC fight at Madison Square Garden, and we was greeted with a mix of cheers and some boos. Yeah, half cheered and half booed. Trump was like, “Wow, this reminds me of my wedding day.”
Trump was greeted with a mix of cheers and boos. Bill de Blasio heard the reaction and was like, “Please - I’ll take that ANY day of the week.”
Trump doesn’t seem thrilled with New York. In fact, it just came out that he’s changing his legal residence from New York to Florida. It’s all part of Trump’s plan to gradually flee to South America.
It came out that during the Halloween party at the White House, kids were asked to help “Build the Wall,” with red paper bricks with their names. So far, that’s the only part of Trump’s wall that’s been built.
Beto O’Rourke has dropped out of the presidential race. I could tell you’re torn, yeah. At one point he was super trendy, polling in the top three, and now it’s all over. Even e-cigarettes were like, “Geez, what the hell happened?”
Beto is out of the race. When he heard, Bernie Sanders was like, “I guess that makes me the Democrats’ hot young beefcake!”
Facebook announced that its rebranding, with a new logo that’s in all caps. Yeah, cuz that was everyone’s biggest complaint with Facebook—the logo.
It seems like Facebook is rebranding. You can tell they’re desperate for approval cuz their new mascot is a Popeye’s chicken sandwich.
Papa John’s is introducing a new crust for the first time in 35 years that’s garlic Parmesan. Really? The crust? That’s it? That’s like Spirit Airlines announcing they’ve removed all the ashtrays from their arm rests. 

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.5.19
Earlier tonight, ABC aired “The Little Mermaid Live!”. The production started off as “Frozen,” but thanks to Global Warming they had to change it to “The Little Mermaid.”
The New York Times just did a big story about the president’s Twitter and it found that Trump has sent over 2,000 tweets where he bragged about himself. Americans were like, “That’s ridiculous—everybody knows Instagram is where you brag about yourself.”
I saw that Donald Trump Jr.’s new book is out today. It’s called, “Triggered: How the Left Thrives on Hate and Wants to Silence Us.” If you go to Barnes & Noble, it can be found in the “Ignored Children’s” section.
I feel bad for Don Jr. Today he walked into the White House and said, “Dad, I have a new book!” and Trump was like, “Oh no...I, uhhh, LOST my reading glasses.”
A new poll in Iowa shows Elizabeth Warren in first, Bernie Sanders in second, Pete Buttigieg in third, and Joe Biden in fourth. Of course, Iowa’s a tough place for Biden -- for starters, all the corn is terrified of his teeth.
I saw that the McDonald's Happy Meal is turning 40. So, now that it's 40, instead of being a "Happy Meal," it's more of a "Self-Reflective, What Does It All Mean" Meal.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.6.19
We’ve got magic from Dan White! Dan’s been busy lately—he keeps getting calls from one guy saying, “Can you make the impeachment inquiry disappear?”
The 2020 election is less than a year away! So one year from today either Democrats or Republicans will claim that they’re moving to Canada, then just continue to go about their lives.
MSNBC and the Washington Post are hosting the next Democratic debate at Tyler Perry Studios in Atlanta. And this is cool. Every Democrat will be played by Tyler Perry.
I read that President Trump banished The New York Times and the Washington Post from the White House, but he still has the apps on his phone. Which isn’t surprising, considering he’s been married to Melania for almost 20 years and he still has Tinder.
The big movie opening this weekend is “Doctor Sleep” which is based on a Stephen King novel and a sequel to “The Shining.” I was a little confused—at first I thought Doctor Sleep was a biopic about Ben Carson.

Google is buying Fitbit for 2 billion dollars. It's not a done deal yet…Google said it still needs to workout the next 10,000 steps.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.7.19
I’m so happy to be here in Austin! I’ve done it all! I came. I saw. I got into a scooter accident.
I’m so pumped to bring the Tonight Show to UT! Because if you saw my grades in high school, you’d know this is the only way I was getting into UT.
We have 3,000 students in the house tonight! You guys are the best—so many people wanted to come, we had to do a lottery for tickets. But if you wanted to come somewhere that’s easy to get into, y’all would be at Texas A&M right now.
By the way, I like my jacket. I like this frill. I wanted to look like Johnny Cash, but instead I look like Woody from Toy Story going through a goth phase.
One of the best parts about UT has to be the live Longhorn mascot, Bevo. He’s a real, live steer. That’s the 15th Bevo in UT history. And if you wanna know happened to the other 14...Franklin BBQ. Located at 900 East 11th Street, Austin, Texas 78702...would we steer you in the wrong direction?
I’ve had the best time here. This week felt just like my time in college. I didn’t go to class, I don’t know any girls, and I’ll be gone before graduation.

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' October 28 - October 31


Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.28.19
I feel the love! I feel the complete opposite of Trump at last night’s World Series.
President Trump and the First Lady went to the World Series in Washington, and when they showed them on the jumbotron, the crowd didn’t seem thrilled. Then Trump turned to Melania and was like, “Wow, they REALLY don’t like you.”
Trump is doing everything he can to spin it. At first he was like, “They weren’t booing, they were chanting, “Ruuuuuuudy Giuliani.”
Trump said, “Actually, they were chanting, “Uuuuuuuuuukraine call was perfect!”
After all the booing, things really got ugly. At one point, fans started chanting “Lock Him Up!” Some people thought heckling Trump was disrespectful. Then every outfielder who’s ever played in New York, Boston or Philly was like, “Toughen up, buttercup. I’m getting hit with D-cell batteries for nine innings.”
In the upper deck, fans hung a giant banner that said, “Impeach Trump!” Finally, enough security showed up and they were able to take down the banner and remove Hillary from the stadium.
It was a whirlwind day for Trump. At 9AM, he announced we took out the leader of ISIS and by 9PM he announced we’re taking out the guy in charge of the jumbotron.
Joe Biden appeared on “60 Minutes” for a sit down interview with Norah O’Donnell. It was a good interview. At one point Biden said that the reason President Obama hasn’t endorsed him is because he asked him not to. It’s like a middle schooler saying, “I do have a girlfriend, I just asked her NOT to come to the dance with me! She lives in Canada!”
I heard that Lyft is offering people free rides if they're going to a job interview. That way you can text your interviewer, “I’ll be there in 5 minutes. Wait, 6. Sorry, 15. I gotta reschedule.”
For the 2020 Olympics, Toyota is launching new “driverless taxis,” but they will still have a driver inside the car. Yeah, it’s perfect for anyone who wants their driver to solely focus on forced conversation.
A new study found that White Claw gets you drunk faster than other drinks, and leaves less of a hangover. Yeah, the study was done by a team of researchers known as “The Real Housewives.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.29.19
Halloween is just two days away and NASA says the Hubble telescope just spotted a pair of galaxies that look like a “spooky face.” Take a look at this. They’ve already come up with a name for the formation: Rudy Giuliani.
An army officer gave firsthand testimony about Trump’s call with Ukraine. The officer’s name is Lieutenant Colonel Alexander Vindman, and he’s an Iraq War veteran, he has a Purple Heart, and he has a Harvard degree. Or as Trump put it, “Psh, who are you gonna believe, him or me?”
In his testimony, Vindman confirmed the whistleblower’s report, and now a lot of people think the walls are starting to close in on Trump. In response, Trump was like, “How could you do this to me, walls?! After all we’ve been through?!”
Trump is expected to headline a Republican fundraiser at Disney World in December. Yeah, the plan is for Trump to visit the Hall of Presidents, switch places with his robot and let HIM get impeached.
Trump is going to Disney World. He’s even expected to go to Epcot, and ask every country for dirt on Joe Biden.
Trump’s going to go from getting booed at the World Series to getting booed by Donald Duck.
I saw that Walgreens is opening 100 Jenny Craig outlets inside their stores. That’s pretty cruel. Making people walk though an aisle full of Halloween candy before going into a Jenny Craig.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.30.19
Emilia Clarke is my guest tonight! Of course you know her from Game of Thrones, where she played "Queen Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen, the First of Her Name, Queen of the Andals, the Rhoynar and the First Men, Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, The Breaker of Chains and The Mother of Dragons." And, now she can be seen in her new movie Last Christmas playing "Kate." So, she might be getting typecast...
Speaking of Game of Thrones, HBO just announced that they’re working on a prequel that’s set 300 years before the original. HBO promises it’ll be just as action-packed and twice as awkward to watch with your siblings.
Today is “National Candy Corn Day!” And here’s a little tip -- if you’re hosting a Halloween party and think you might run out of candy corn, don’t worry - you won’t.
President Trump is coming to New York this weekend to go to a UFC match at Madison Square Garden. Trump said he’s excited to see how many different sporting events he can get booed at.
Trump is attending a UFC fight, and this is interesting, the winner will be named champion and the loser will be named Trump’s next Chief of Staff.
Trump’s approval rating is at just 41 percent. But his staff is spinning it. They’re like “It’s not a ‘low’ approval rating. It’s just ‘fun-sized.’”
USA Today just released a poll that found only 54 percent of Americans think our country is ready for a vegan president. Yeah, maybe that would be a little weird. I don’t know if anybody wants to see the president pardon the “Thanksgiving Tofurkey.”
I saw that John Legend and Kelly Clarkson are releasing a version of “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” that’s “less creepy” than the original. It’s a pretty short song. Kelly says, “I really can’t stay,” and John says, “Okay. I’ll call you an Uber.”
3.9 billion dollar terminal just opened at LaGuardia Airport. It’s so much nicer -- now all the rats wear little bow ties.
The FDA says they want bigger calorie labels on snacks sold in vending machines, so people can make healthier eating choices. Although, I think the healthiest diet choice you can make is not eating food from a vending machine.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.31.19
Kristen Stewart is my guest tonight! She stars in the new movie “Charlie’s Angels!” Charlie’s Angels is expected to be the biggest female reboot until Elizabeth Warren gets elected in 2020.
According to Google, this year’s most popular Halloween costume is Pennywise the Clown from “It.” The least popular Halloween costume, once again, is “Sexy Rudy Giuliani.”
The company that makes M&M’s, Snickers and Twix starts preparing for Halloween two years in advance. Meanwhile, the company that makes Necco Wafers made one batch 50 years ago and has been selling them ever since.
This week, Twitter announced that it’s banning all political ads. Phew! This is great news. Now Twitter can just be the wholesome, family-friendly social media platform that it’s always been.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: October 30 – November 7


Wednesday, October 30: Guests include Emilia Clarke, Bobby Cannavale, Booker T. Jones and musical guest FKA Twigs. Show 1147

Thursday, October 31: Guests include Kristen Stewart, Gaten Matarazzo and Pete Lee. Show 1148

**Friday, November 1: Guests include Edward Norton, Alessia Cara and musical guest Alessia Cara. OAD 10/6/19

Monday, November 4: Guests include Chris Evans, Naomi Scott and musical guest EarthGang. Show 1149

Tuesday, November 5: Guests include Adam Sandler, Jenny Slate and Megan Gailey. Show 1150

**Wednesday, November 6: Guests include Henry Golding, Noomi Rapace and Dan White. Show 1151

**Thursday, November 7: From University of Texas at Austin guests include Matthew McConaughey, Chip and Joanna Gaines and musical guest Gucci Mane. Show 1152

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: October 29 – November 5


Tuesday, October 29: Guests include Reese Witherspoon, Rhett & Link and Daniel Humm. Show 1146

Wednesday, October 30: Guests include Emilia Clarke, Bobby Cannavale, Booker T. Jones and musical guest FKA Twigs. Show 1147

Thursday, October 31: Guests include Kristen Stewart, Gaten Matarazzo and Pete Lee. Show 1148
Friday, November 1: Repeat TBD

Monday, November 4: Guests include Chris Evans, Naomi Scott and musical guest EarthGang. Show 1149

**Tuesday, November 5: Guests include Adam Sandler, Jenny Slate and Megan Gailey. Show 1150
These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: October 28 – November 4


Monday, October 28: Guests include Emma Thompson, Joel Kinnaman and musical guest Liam Gallagher. Show 1145 

**Tuesday, October 29: Guests include Reese Witherspoon, Rhett & Link and Daniel Humm. Show 1146

Wednesday, October 30: Guests include Emilia Clarke, Bobby Cannavale, Booker T. Jones and musical guest FKA Twigs. Show 1147

Thursday, October 31: Guests include Kristen Stewart, Gaten Matarazzo and Pete Lee. Show 1148

**Friday, November 1: Repeat TBD

**Monday, November 4: Guests include Chris Evans, Naomi Scott and musical guest EarthGang. Show 1149

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' October 20 - October 27


Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.20.19
I’m not saying Trump’s presidency is in rough shape, but right now, Alec is backstage working on his Mike Pence impression.
The Eagles took on the Cowboys at AT&T stadium. Both teams loved playing there, cuz whenever something got dropped, they could just blame AT&T.
The Cowboys played the Eagles in a heated division rivalry. Of course, the Eagles’ motto is “Fly Eagles Fly”...which is definitely better than The New York Jets’ motto “Trade Me Jets, Trade Me.”
At an NFL meeting, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones reportedly argued for more leniency on NFL marijuana rules. And then right after, he was like “You know what’s funny, man -- untoasted pop-tarts are better than toasted pop-tarts. But, you gotta get the kind with the frosting.”
The big NFL news happened on Thursday, when Kansas City’s MVP quarterback Patrick Mahomes dislocated his knee and could be out for awhile. I’m not sure what’s more shocking - Patrick Mahomes’ knee fell apart, or that his coach Andy Reid’s knees are still intact.
In the future, NFL owners wanna make the season longer by adding a 17th game. In response, Miami Dolphins fans were like, “Dear God, haven’t we suffered enough?!
Weekends are for two things: football and endless tweets from the president. Trump made some news on Twitter today when he quoted his Defense Secretary, Mark Esper. But he accidentally called him...“Mark Esperanto.” A staffer was like, “Do you wanna edit the tweet?” And Trump was like, “Nah, just fire him and hire a guy named “Mark Esperanto.”
Mark Esperanto sounds like the evil villain on a Telemundo soap opera.
Showtime just announced they’re making a new TV series all about the founding of Uber. It sounds good, but as soon as they ordered it, the show drove right past their offices. I think I just saw you, did you just pass us? Now it’s saying your show is ten minutes away.
Someone on Twitter posted a video of a New York City cockroach carrying a cigarette into a storm drain. It’s sad, six months ago, that cockroach took a bus from Iowa with dreams of making it on Broadway and now this.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.21.19
We also have Mayor Pete Buttigeig! It wasn’t easy getting Mayor Pete here. First we had to work around his crazy campaign schedule and then we needed his parents to sign the permission slip.
According to a new poll out today, Mayor Pete is surging in Iowa! He just passed Bernie Sanders, is now right behind Joe Biden and Elizabeth Warren, and the thing that sets him apart from those three is that he actually knows how to find that poll on a smartphone.
Actually, Mayor Pete actually has something a lot of the other candidates don’t – his original teeth.
He’s really caught on in Iowa. Mostly cuz voters think he’s the only candidate young enough to find his way out of a corn maze.
I actually saw Mayor Pete backstage, and said, “It’s nice to see you,” and he was like, “YOU GOTTA SPEAK UP, I STOOD BY BERNIE SANDERS AT THE LAST DEBATE! MY EARS ARE SHOT!”
It just came out that Mitt Romney has been using a secret Twitter account where he supported himself and criticized President Trump. And he goes by the name...“Pierre Delecto.”
Pierre Delecto -- it sounds like an evil chef at Au Bon Pain.
Romney’s been running the account since 2011. Yeah, Pierre Delecto is eight years-old and loves Twitter -- he’s just like the president.
The FDA just announced that over 95 percent of baby food they tested had traces of metal in it. But on the bright side, your Mom wasn’t lying when she said, “Here comes the airplane!”
The Vatican just announced they’re selling a new bluetooth-enabled rosary that will let users track their prayers. It’s just like a Fitbit, except you feel wayyy more guilty for missing your goals.
Airbnb is renting out a real-life Barbie dreamhouse in Malibu. That’s how you know the economy’s in trouble -- Barbie’s got like 400 jobs and she still has to rent out her place on Airbnb.
The New York Jets played the New England Patriots. This was interesting. To make things fair, Tom Brady played the entire game with his helmet on backwards.
Some people in Sweden are getting microchips implanted in their hands to use as a credit card. Although it’s kind of rough when your card gets rejected and the cashier cuts up your hand.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.22.19
Tonight was Game 1 of the World Series, between the Houston Astros and the Washington Nationals. And this is nice -- even though their team’s not in it, Yankee fans promised to boo whoever wins.
ABC aired the classic Halloween special, "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.” They actually updated it a bit. At the end of this version, the Great Pumpkin gets impeached.
The impeachment inquiry is in full swing, and I heard that today actually marks its one month anniversary. When he heard, Trump was like, “I can’t believe nobody got me a present! Not even a card from Pierre Delecto?”
Democrats say the impeachment might take longer than expected cuz each witness keeps providing even MORE leads. So basically, Trump's legal strategy is, commit so many crimes they can never finish the investigation. “They’re almost done? Okay, tell Don Jr. to rob a bank.”
The top official from the US Embassy in Ukraine testified, and one Congressman called it his “most disturbing day in Congress.” And that’s counting the day Mitch McConnell walked out of the sauna without a towel.
A new report claims Vladimir Putin is the one who convinced Trump that Ukraine was corrupt. You can tell Putin has a lot of influence over Trump, cuz he also convinced him to trade all his Halloween Milky Ways for a roll of Necco Wafers.
In a new interview, Trump said he doesn’t want copies of the New York Times or the Washington Post in the White House. Yeah, Trump only keeps one newspaper in the White House and he uses it to train Rudy Giuliani. “Bad, Rudy! Go to your crate!”
Trump apparently retweeted an account called—this real, “DJTrumpsButt.” When I saw it, my first thought was, “Wow, Mitt Romney really likes coming up with new Twitter accounts.”
Snoop Dogg celebrated his 48th birthday, and received a bouquet of 48 joints. Although, what he was really hoping for was an “Edibles Arrangement.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.23.19
Millions of Americans are buying candy for trick-or-treaters -- which they’ll re-buy in six days after they polish it off themselves.
Halloween is on a weekday this year. Parents are like, “You mean I get to work a full day AND walk around for hours in the cold darkness?!”
I love Halloween. There are so many fun costumes, like “Sexy Nurse,” “Sexy Cop,” “Sexy Indicted Trump Staffer.”
If you’re still looking for a costume, look no further. This year, you can actually dress up as a “sexy, sold-out, Popeye’s chicken sandwich.” Most people called it ridiculous, while the president called the Statue of Liberty and said, “You’ve been replaced!”
Republicans “stormed” a closed-door meeting to protest the impeachment inquiry. Even crazier, they used Mike Pence as a battering ram.
The Republicans actually stormed the room as a Pentagon employee was moments away from testifying about Ukraine. Cuz nothing says, “Completely innocent!” Like storming the room of someone about to testify.
It really turned into an ugly scene among Republicans - I haven’t seen that many angry white guys since NBC cancelled “Frasier.”
Things are pretty chaotic in Washington. I read that a lot of reporters think this has been one of the worst weeks of Trump’s entire presidency. Which is really impressive when you realize it’s only Wednesday.
Tiffany’s just released an Advent calendar that costs 112,000 dollars. Yep, exactly like Jesus intended.
According to Tiffany’s, behind the first three doors are everyday objects like a cup, a clothespin and a harmonica. If the first three gifts are a cup, clothespin and harmonica, the fourth door better be filled with 111,000 dollars.
Pizza Hut is testing environmentally-friendly boxes that you can actually compost. It wasn’t that hard -- the box is made out of pizza from Papa John’s.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.24.19
Hey, before we get started, I just wanna give a special shout-out to all of our viewers watching from the Colorado–Mexico border!
During a speech in Pittsburgh yesterday, President Trump said that he’s building sections of the border wall in New Mexico and Colorado. By the time Trump is done building all these walls, the country is going to look like 50 giant cubicles.
Then Trump announced our Coast Guard will be patrolling the ports of Nebraska.
But Trump addressed his comments in a tweet and said... “(Kiddingly) We’re building a Wall in Colorado”(then stated, “we’re not building a Wall in Kansas but they get the benefit of the Wall we’re building on the Border”) referred to people in the very packed auditorium, from Colorado & Kansas, getting the benefit of the Border Wall!”
Well, that clears it up. Forget immigrants, I think we need to deport Trump’s English teacher.
Trump participated in a ceremony in honor of the Hindu holiday Diwali. Things got off to a rough start when Trump told everyone, “We’re gonna build “Diwali” in Colorado!”
Pete Buttigieg said that he’s used marijuana “a handful of times,” and it was back when he was still growing up. Still growing up? The guy is barely old enough to see “Joker” on his own.
Judge Judy has endorsed former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg for president. It sounds good, but I still wanna hear what the judges from “Hot Bench” think before I make my decision.
The band Coldplay is revealing the tracklist of their new double album in newspapers around the world. That story again, Coldplay is keeping their tracklist a complete secret.
A group of scientists who taught rats how to drive tiny cars, and claimed the rats found it “relaxing.” When the report was published, the scientists’ families were like, “Wait, THAT’S what you’ve been studying.”
A new study found that mashed potatoes are just as good as Gatorade when exercising. So remember, this Thanksgiving you’re not “overeating,” you’re “training for the winter games.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.27.19
We are coming to you after tonight’s game between the Packers and the Chiefs! Tonight was supposed to feature two of the NFL’s best quarterbacks, Aaron Rodgers and Patrick Mahomes, but Mahomes is still injured and a backup played in his place. For Chiefs fans, it’s basically like getting tickets to “Hamilton” and then hearing, “Stepping in for Lin-Manuel Miranda tonight will be Vanilla Ice.”
Rob Gronkowski says he’d consider coming out of retirement IF the NFL lets players use CBD. Then every current NFL player was like, “Yes, and we would also like to try CBD for the first time.”
Football isn’t the only thing going on right now. Last night, President Trump tweeted, “Something very big just happened!” Americans saw and were like, “You went five minutes without tweeting?”
ISIS is looking for a new leader. At this point, the only jobs tougher to fill right now are Trump’s Chief of Staff and head coach of the Jets.
They were able to find the leader of ISIS in a very remote area. He almost got away, but then his phone started ringing from a Rudy Giuliani butt-dial.
Rudy Giuliani accidentally butt-dialed an NBC reporter and was overheard talking about Joe Biden. It’s actually pretty impressive… cuz Rudy uses a flip-phone.
CNN made a guide to help people figure out if their Halloween costume is appropriate or not. Here’s a tip -- if you need to use the guide, it’s not appropriate. Just trust your gut on that.
The guide ranges from it ranges from “Princess” all the way down to “Slutty OJ Simpson.”
A message in a bottle from New Jersey that washed up in Newfoundland. It was the first time someone opened a message in a bottle and all it said was “What are you looking at?”

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: October 24 – 31


Thursday, October 24: Guests include Keegan-Michael Key, Chance The Rapper, Brockhampton and musical guest Brockhampton. Show 1143

Friday, October 25: Guests include Priyanka Chopra Jonas, Questlove & Tariq “Black Thought” Trotter and musical guest Rex Orange County. OAD 10/10/2019

Sunday, October 27: Guests include John Cena, Luke Bryan and musical guest Luke Bryan. Show 1144

Monday, October 28: Guests include Emma Thompson, Joel Kinnaman and musical guest Liam Gallagher. Show 1145 

**Tuesday, October 29: Guests include Jason Momoa, Rhett & Link and Daniel Humm. Show 1146

Wednesday, October 30: Guests include Emilia Clarke, Bobby Cannavale, Booker T. Jones and musical guest FKA Twigs. Show 1147

**Thursday, October 31: Guests include Kristen Stewart, Gaten Matarazzo and Pete Lee. Show 1148
These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: October 23 – 30


Wednesday, October 23: Guests include Michael Douglas, Kathryn Hahn and musical guest Jenny Lewis. Show 1142

Thursday, October 24: Guests include Keegan-Michael Key, Chance The Rapper, Brockhampton and musical guest Brockhampton. Show 1143

Friday, October 25: Guests include Priyanka Chopra Jonas, Questlove & Tariq “Black Thought” Trotter and musical guest Rex Orange County. OAD 10/10/2019

Sunday, October 27: Guests include John Cena, Luke Bryan and musical guest Luke Bryan. Show 1144

Monday, October 28: Guests include Emma Thompson, Joel Kinnaman and musical guest Liam Gallagher. Show 1145 

**Tuesday, October 29: Guests include Jason Mamoa, Rhett & Link and Daniel Humm. Show 1146

**Wednesday, October 30: Guests include Emilia Clarke, Bobby Cannavale, Booker T. Jones and musical guest FKA Twigs. Show 1146

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: October 22 – 29


Tuesday, October 22: Guests include Jessica Biel, Billy Crudup and Jay Jurden. Show 1141

Wednesday, October 23: Guests include Michael Douglas, Kathryn Hahn and musical guest Jenny Lewis. Show 1142

Thursday, October 24: Guests include Keegan-Michael Key, Chance The Rapper, Brockhampton and musical guest Brockhampton. Show 1143

**Friday, October 25: Guests include Priyanka Chopra Jonas, Questlove & Tariq “Black Thought” Trotter and musical guest Rex Orange County. OAD 10/10/2019

Sunday, October 27: Guests include John Cena, Luke Bryan and musical guest Luke Bryan. Show 1144

Monday, October 28: Guests include Emma Thompson, Joel Kinnaman and musical guest Liam Gallagher. Show 1145 

**Tuesday, October 29: Guests include Jason Mamoa and Rhett & Link. Show 1146
These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: October 21 – 28


Monday, October 21: Guests include Scarlett Johansson, Mayor Pete Buttigieg and musical guest Jim James, Teddy Abrams & Members of the Louisville Orchestra. Show 1140

Tuesday, October 22: Guests include Jessica Biel, Billy Crudup and Jay Jurden. Show 1141
Wednesday, October 23: Guests include Michael Douglas, Kathryn Hahn and musical guest Jenny Lewis. Show 1142

Thursday, October 24: Guests include Keegan-Michael Key, Chance The Rapper, Brockhampton and musical guest Brockhampton. Show 1143

**Friday, October 25: TBD Repeat 

**Sunday, October 27: Guests include John Cena, Luke Bryan and musical guest Luke Bryan. Show 1144

**Monday, October 28: Guests include Emma Thompson, Joel Kinnaman and musical guest Liam Gallagher. Show 1145 

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: October 18 – 24

Friday, October 18: Guests include Taylor Swift, Chris O’Dowd and musical guest Angel Olsen. OAD 10/3/19

Sunday, October 20: Guests include Alec Baldwin, Kate Beckinsale and musical guest Young Thug Ft. Gunna. Show 1139

Monday, October 21: Guests include Scarlett Johansson, Mayor Pete Buttigieg and musical guest Jim James, Teddy Abrams & Members of the Louisville Orchestra. Show 1140

Tuesday, October 22: Guests include Jessica Biel, Billy Crudup and Jay Jurden. Show 1141

**Wednesday, October 23: Guests include Michael Douglas, Kathryn Hahn and musical guest Jenny Lewis. Show 1142

**Thursday, October 24: Guests include Keegan-Michael Key, Chance The Rapper, Brockhampton and musical guest Brockhampton. Show 1143

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: October 15 – 22


Tuesday, October 15: Guests include Demi Moore, Justin Hartley and musical guest Mark Ronson featuring Yebba. OAD 9/24/19

Wednesday, October 16: Guests include Lupita Nyong’o, Dane Cook, Jay ‘Sinatraa’ Won and Matthew ‘Super’ DeLisi and musical guest The Avett Brothers. OAD 10/7/19

Thursday, October 17: Guests include Kim Kardashian West, Kim Kardashian West & Winnie Harlow and musical guest Iggy Pop. OAD 9/11/19

Friday, October 18: Guests include Taylor Swift, Chris O’Dowd and musical guest Angel Olsen. OAD 10/3/19

**Sunday, October 20: Guests include Alec Baldwin, Kate Beckinsale and musical guest Young Thug Ft. Gunna. Show 1139

**Monday, October 21: Guests include Scarlett Johansson, Mayor Pete Buttigieg and musical guest Jim James, Teddy Abrams & Members of the Louisville Orchestra. Show 1140

**Tuesday, October 22: Guests include Jessica Biel, Billy Crudup and Jay Jurden. Show 1141
These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' October 7 - October 10


Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.7.19
Today, a federal judge ordered President Trump to turn over 8 years of his tax returns. I’m not saying it’s bad, but right now Trump’s accountant is climbing over his border wall into Mexico.
People are still talking about the impeachment, and I saw that Trump said it’s a bad thing to have on his resume. The only thing worse than having impeachment on your resume is having Rudy Giuliani as your only reference.
I kinda like the idea of Trump even having a resume. Though I’m pretty sure under “Skills” all it would say is... “Can type over 50 tweets per minute.”
Trump’s never really needed a resume. The only one he’s ever made was a note to his dad that just said, “I your son. Me want job.”
Vladimir Putin spent his birthday weekend hiking with a friend in the Siberian Mountains. Putin said it was relaxing, while his friend called it, “The scariest 48 hours of his life.”
Going on a hike with Putin is basically the start of every episode of Russian Dateline.
The McRib is back at McDonald’s! Apparently, customers were asking for an alternative meat option and McDonald’s was like, “Done!”
A woman managed to board a Delta flight without a boarding pass or ID. It wasn’t that hard -- another passenger just had to say, “This is my emotional support woman.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.8.19
Congrats to the New York Yankees, who are moving on to the American League Championship Series! And congrats to the Mets, who are moving on to binge-watch season 8 of “Friends.”
You could tell the Yankees were feeling good when they popped champagne, lit cigars, and it was only the second inning.
The White House stopped an important American ambassador from testifying. Trump told his staff to do whatever it takes to stop anyone from saying anything that could endanger his presidency. Then his staff was like, “Okay,” and duct taped his mouth shut.
The White House blocked our EU Ambassador, Gordon Sondland, from testifying about the Ukraine scandal. Because nothing says, “We’ve got nothing to hide,” like saying, “We’ve gotta hide Gordon!”
Apparently, the ambassador has a bunch of text messages about Ukraine, but the State Department won’t give them to Congress. When she heard that, Hillary Clinton was like, “Russia, if you’re listening...I hope you’re able to find the texts on the ambassador’s phone.”
When the whistleblower testifies before Congress, they might disguise his appearance and his voice. Which means there’s a good chance the president is about to be brought down by a guy dressed as a Minion.
Trump had lunch with Vice President Mike Pence. You can tell Trump’s paranoid about leaks cuz before the meeting, he frisked Pence to see if he was wearing a wire. “Wow. You’re like a Ken Doll...everywhere.”
China is refusing to broadcast NBA games after the Houston Rockets GM spoke out in support of Hong Kong’s protesters. It’s a bad situation cuz the NBA needs China to grow their fan base and to make their shoes.
To save taxpayer money, the King of Sweden just took away royal status from five of his grandkids. For us, it’s a news story -- for Eric and Don Jr., it’s a preview.
A British man became the first person to fly around the world in a gyrocopter. When asked to comment on his flight in a gyrocopter, he said, “Uh, actually, it’s pronounced ‘yee-ro-copter.’”
A French town made a world record-setting fruit salad that weighed almost 23,000 pounds. When they heard about wasting 23,000 pounds of fruit, Edible Arrangements was like, “Stay in your lane, girl.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.9.19
Trump’s having meltdowns on Twitter and refusing to cooperate with the impeachment. Right now, Trump’s staff is like, “He’s 73, but he’s still going through the ‘Terrible 72s.’”
The White House actually sent a letter to Congress about the impeachment that says...“All of this violates the Constitution, the rule of law, and every past precedent.” Trump was like, “Love it! But you spelled ‘president’ wrong. It’s with two ‘Zs.’”
Not only is Trump lashing out, he’s now demanding an “apology” from everyone involved in the impeachment. Then women, minorities, the disabled, Mexico, and Puerto Rico were like, “You first.”
American Airlines says passengers on a recent flight may have been exposed to hepatitis. American Airlines passengers were furious, while Spirit Airlines passengers were like, “That’s all? I got polio...”
Passengers should’ve known something was up before the flight, when the gate agent said, “Now boarding zones, A, B, and C...That’s hepatitis A, B, and C.”
A growing number of doctors are diagnosing their patients via text message. So instead of writing, “You have erectile dysfunction,” they just send you an eggplant emoji and a sad face.
According to the CDC, the number of STD’s in the US has reached an all-time high. At first I wasn’t sure why, and then I remembered it’s been a month since college started up again.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.10.19
Trump held his first campaign rally since the impeachment inquiry in Minnesota. Trump loves Minnesota because the Vikings mascot basically has the same hair.
The Oxford English Dictionary just added the term “fake news.” Though, Donald Trump was actually more excited that they added the word “Baconator.”
It’s come out that the fountain in the opening credits for show “Friends” also appeared in the film “Hocus Pocus.” Though, the fountain still says tha

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: October 9 – 18


Wednesday, October 9: Guests include Jesse Eisenberg, Hailee Steinfeld, Steve Miller and musical guest Steve Miller. Show 1137

Thursday, October 10: Guests include Priyanka Chopra Jonas, Questlove & Tariq and musical guest Rex Orange County. Show 1138

**Friday, October 11: Guests include Jennifer Lopez, Russell Westbrook and Ryan Hamilton. OAD 9/10/19

**Monday, October 14: Guests include Gwen Stefani, Ben Platt and musical guest Zac Brown Band. OAD 9/23/19

**Tuesday, October 15: Guests include Demi Moore, Justin Hartley and musical guest Mark Ronson featuring Yebba. OAD 9/24/19

**Wednesday, October 16: Guests include Lupita Nyong’o, Dane Cook, Jay ‘Sinatraa’ Won and Matthew ‘Super’ DeLisi and musical guest The Avett Brothers. OAD 10/7/19

**Thursday, October 17: Guests include Kim Kardashian West, Kim Kardashian West & Winnie Harlow and musical guest Iggy Pop. OAD 9/11/19

**Friday, October 18: Guests include Taylor Swift, Chris O’Dowd and musical guest Angel Olsen. OAD 10/3/19

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' September 30 - October 6


Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.30.19
It’s the time of year people look at the puddle on a subway seat and go from saying, “I hope that’s lemonade” to “I hope that’s cider.”
I love the fall in New York City – there’s nothing better than watching tourists in Central Park jump into a big pile of leaves and then realize there’s a body underneath.
Everyone’s in the fall spirit. Some people spent the weekend carving a pumpkin, while Nancy Pelosi is trying to impeach one.
Trump is still fuming about the impeachment and this weekend he sent over 70 tweets! It’s so bad, at one point last night, Trump’s iPhone threw ITSELF in the toilet.
Trump tweeted he wants to meet the whistleblower in person, however their identity and whereabouts are still unknown. They’re probably hidden in a place that no one ever goes – so most likely, they’re at a Forever 21.
I read that Trump’s Chief of Staff, Mick Mulvaney, could lose his job cuz the president is unhappy with how he’s dealt with the scandal. If it happens, Mulvaney will try to get an easier job, like ER surgeon, cliff-diver or coach of the Jets.
In the next few days, top White House aides are gonna present Trump with an “impeachment response strategy.” Just in time! That’s like the captain of the Titanic yelling, “Argh, we should have taken a left!”
Congress is on a two-week break and I saw that Nancy Pelosi spoke about the impeachment at an Atlantic City casino. That’s how you know everything’s messed up. When Donald Trump is making statements from Washington and Nancy Pelosi is speaking from a casino in Atlantic City.
Democrats now say they’ll vote on impeachment by the end of the year. And this is nice. They’ve already hired Ryan Seacrest to host their “Impeachment Rockin’ Eve” party.
The impeachment is already getting ugly. In fact, Joe Biden’s campaign has asked TV networks to stop booking Rudy Giuliani, Trump heard and was like, “Finally, something me and Joe agree on!”
Giuliani appeared on every talk show over the weekend, and he ranted about the Ukraine scandal, made false allegations, spoke in run-on sentences, and contradicted himself several times. Giuliani is basically like if Trump’s Twitter account sprang to life.
I read that employees are now damaging workplace robots out of fear that they’ll take over their jobs. Which explains why today at the White House, Trump was seen trying to drop Mike Pence in the bathtub. 

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.1.19
The one-and-only Lin-Manuel Miranda is here! His new Broadway show “Freestyle Love Supreme” opens tomorrow! It is the hottest ticket in town. Prices range from “Wow, that’s expensive,” to “Sorry kids, no college for you!”
It’s officially October! And stores are already putting up their Halloween decorations. But unfortunately, those aren’t fake cobwebs at Forever 21.
People are putting up Halloween decorations. But make sure to buy your decorations now, cuz tomorrow the aisles at CVS will be full of stuff for Christmas.
They’re even putting up Halloween decorations at the White House. And just to frighten President Trump, instead of a scarecrow they’re using a cardboard cutout of Nancy Pelosi.
It just came out that Trump called Australia and asked them to help discredit the Mueller Report. Yeah, he asked Australia to work against U.S. intelligence -- today Trump said, “Everything’s the opposite down there, so it’s technically NOT treason.” “Actually treason backwards is “Nosert” as in, “No seart I did NOT commit treason.”
Now people want to see Trump’s calls with Putin as well. But Russia says the White House needs to ask “permission” before releasing any calls between them. That shouldn’t be a problem, cuz Trump already asks Russia for permission every time he uses the bathroom.
Meanwhile, 2020 candidate Kamala Harris has called on Twitter to suspend Trump’s account cuz of his intimidating tweets towards the whistleblower. Trump heard that and was like, “You can take away my presidency, but you’ll never take away...my Twitter!”
As if things aren’t crazy enough, today at the White House, a mouse fell from the ceiling and landed on a reporter. Usually, the mouse would’ve been caught, but Eric had his tongue stuck in the trap all week.
The mouse fell from the ceiling and landed on the lap of our own Peter Alexander from NBC News. And now it confirms a rumor that’s been going around NBC for years - Peter Alexander wears edible cheese underwear.
The first cannabis café opened today in Los Angeles. CNN called it the “first farm-to-table restaurant that highlights cuisine and cannabis.” So, apparently that reporter has never been to Taco Bell.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.2.19
It was 90 degrees today in New York City! Right now, every guy in your office who wears shorts year-round is like, “Well, well, well, now who’s the weirdo?”
It was 90 degrees today here in New York! It’s brutal out there -- on the sidewalk, people were spritzing themselves with Pumpkin Spice Lattes.
It was so hot, I saw a hot dog vendor fanning himself with health code violations.
It was so hot, President Trump wasn’t the ONLY thing melting down.
It came out that while talking about strengthening border security, Trump suggested building a moat filled with snakes and alligators. And you know today was nuts cuz that’s not even close to being the craziest part.
Apparently Trump said that he wanted to protect the border wall using a moat “filled with snakes or alligators.” When they heard, every Bond villain was like, “Good God, what is wrong with this guy?”
He wasn’t kidding! Trump even told his staff to find out how much building the snake and alligator moat would cost. That about sums up working for Trump. One minute you’re meeting in the Oval Office, the next you’re Googling, “How much does an alligator moat cost?”
Trump said the best part of the alligator moat was telling Eric and Don Jr. he built them a new lazy river.
Trump also said he wanted the wall electrified, with spikes on top that could pierce human flesh. Kim Jong Un was like, “Wait, this guy can have nukes, but I can’t?!”
After the story broke, Trump responded on Twitter and said...“Now the press is trying to sell the fact that I wanted a Moot stuffed with alligators and snakes”
I don’t know where to start – well, he misspelled “moat” and wrote, “moot.” When a staffer told him about the mistake, Trump was like, “Whatever, the point is moat.”
Trump also called the story “fake news.” He was like, “It wasn’t snakes and alligators, it was sharks and tornados!”
Trump tweeted about the Ukraine scandal and said...“what is taking place is not an impeachment, it is a COUP.”
People saw and we’re like, “Wait a minute, how the hell did he spell “coup” right and mess up “moat?”
Trump met with the president of Finland. At one point, Finland's president said, "I'm Finnish," and Trump was like, "I feel your pain, I think I'm finished too."
A California woman just won the World Pumpkin Pie Eating Contest after she ate 50 slices in 10 minutes. Or as most Americans call that, “Thanksgiving.”
I heard that New Yorkers have been smoking illegal toad venom. That’s crazy -- one week without vaping, and they’re like, “Yo, you think we can smoke that frog?”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.3.19
I saw Taylor backstage and was like, “Oh my god! I’m so glad you’re here! And her security tackled me and said, “Jimmy, you need to calm down.”
Everything happening in Washington right now feels like a Taylor Swift song. Democrats knew Trump was “Trouble When He Walked In.” Now they have “Bad Blood” and Nancy Pelosi is like, “Look What You Made Me Do.”
Well just when it felt like this impeachment scandal couldn’t get any crazier, Trump spoke to reporters this morning and got himself into even MORE trouble. He’s already in trouble for asking Ukraine to investigate the Bidens, so you’d think he’d stop there. But, as you know. Trump is gonna Trump.
It's crazy! In the middle of being investigated for asking foreign countries for election help, Trump publicly asked foreign countries for election help! That's like chugging a beer WHILE taking a breathalyzer test.
The chairwoman of the Federal Election Commission released a statement that said...“Let me make something 100% clear...It is illegal to receive anything of value from a foreign national in connection with a US election.” Trump saw that and was like, “Startingggg now!”
People close to Trump are worried that he’s becoming more and more unglued. Yeah, at this point, the only “glued” parts of Trump are his teeth and his hair.
It’s true, Trump may be losing it. Today, he tweeted in all caps...“ELECTION INTERFERENCE!” That wasn’t a complaint, he just accidentally tweeted his “to-do” list.
He was like, “My bad! That was supposed to be a DM to Ukraine, China, Australia and Russia!
Trump tweeted a video about Joe Biden that featured a Nickelback song, but Nickelback had the video taken down. Man, it’s not a good sign for Trump when even NICKELBACK is like, “We can’t be associated with you.”
Trump is staying busy. Today he gave a speech about healthcare in Florida. And when it was over, Trump swung by the Everglades to grab some alligators for his border moat.
Joe Biden made a speech in Nevada and told Trump, “You’re not going to destroy me.” Then Biden was like, “I’m letting Elizabeth Warren do that instead.”
Beto O’Rourke just posted an Instagram video of himself getting a flu shot. It’s the first time since the campaign started that we can honestly say Beto’s got a shot.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.4.19
It's currently Comic Con in New York City! So if you see 13 guys on the subway dressed as Spider-Man, I guess it’s that?
It’s almost the weekend. And if you think YOU need a break – imagine how Trump’s iPhone feels.
Joaquin Phoenix is my guest tonight! His new film “Joker” is out today, and we see the origins of how a man went completely insane. I guess it all started when he made a phone call to Ukraine and asked for help.
I saw that President Trump is thinking about starting his own news network to get a “real voice out there.” Americans are like, “FINALLY! A place to hear what Trump has to say!”
Trump talked about starting his own news network. It’ll be the only channel where the shows are way louder than the commercials.
The Yankees hosted the Minnesota Twins in Game One of the Division Series. Yankees fans were like, “You suck, Twins!” While Minnesota fans were like, “Hey, thanks so much for having us, this is so great.”
Uber is offering a helicopter service to JFK airport. Meanwhile, if you wanna fly to LaGuardia, they just send a lawn chair tied to some balloons.
I saw that Instagram is launching a new app called Threads, where you can send photos to your closest friends. It’s for when you don’t think the vacation photo you posted publicly made them jealous enough.
Bed Bath & Beyond announced that they’re closing 60 locations. I knew the company was in trouble when I got a 20-percent off coupon in the mail to BUY a “Bed Bath, and Beyond.”
Today is National Taco Day AND National Vodka Day. And if you celebrated both, be glad it’s not Monday.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.6.19
It is Sunday night and we are here with a special NFL postgame Tonight Show! And if you're drunk right now, either you tailgated all day, or you play for the Jets.
Patrick Mahomes is being called the “Face of the NFL.” Meanwhile his coach Andy Reid is the “Gut.”
The Patriots played the Redskins at FedEx Field. You can tell the stadium is sponsored by FedEx, cuz after you show them your ticket, they pick you up and throw you over the front gate.
This week, Tom Brady admitted that he’s been wearing the same shoulder pads for the last 25 years. Then his jockstrap was like, “And if you think THAT’S bad...”
My favorite thing were the referees. I’m not kidding, it was nice to hear from some whistleblowers that had NOTHING to do with Trump.
The big story is that a SECOND whistleblower is coming forward in the Ukraine scandal. Trump hasn’t been this upset since he found out there was a second Donald Trump.
The ax Jack Nicholson used in “The Shining” just sold at auction for 200,000 dollars. When the winner told his wife, she was like, “Heeeeeere’s divorce papers!”
I heard that you can now buy “whiskey pods” that are like Tide Pods, but filled with alcohol.
That’s great, cuz until now, if you wanted to get drunk off plastic you just had to swallow A LOT of Listerine strips.
Police in Pennsylvania just discovered 100-thousand dollars worth of marijuana growing inside someone’s empty swimming pool. When he heard that, Seth Rogen was like, “Cannonball!”

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: October 3 – 10


Thursday, October 3: Guests include Taylor Swift, Chris O’Dowd and musical guest Angel Olsen. Show 1132

**Friday, October 4: Guests include Joaquin Phoenix and Zoey Deutch. Show 1133

Sunday, October 6: Guests include Edward Norton, Alessia Cara and musical guest Alessia Cara. Show 1134

**Monday, October 7: Guests include Lupita Nyong’o, Dane Cook, Jay ‘Sinatraa’ Won and Matthew ‘Super’ DeLisi and musical guest The Avett Brothers. Show 1135

Tuesday, October 8: Guests include Clive Owen, Elsie Fisher and musical guest Lewis Capaldi. Show 1136

**Wednesday, October 9: Guests include Jesse Eisenberg, Hailee Steinfeld, Steve Miller and musical guest Steve Miller. Show 1137

**Thursday, October 10: Guests include Priyanka Chopra Jonas, Questlove & Tariq and musical guest Rex Orange County. Show 1138

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: October 1 – 8


Tuesday, October 1: Guests include Lin-Manuel Miranda, Chris Colfer and musical guest the cast of Freestyle Love Supreme. Show 1130

Wednesday, October 2: Guests include Natalie Portman, Henry Winkler and musical guest Robbie Robertson. Show 1131

Thursday, October 3: Guests include Taylor Swift, Chris O’Dowd and musical guest Angel Olsen. Show 1132

Friday, October 4: Guests include Joaquin Phoenix, Zoey Deutch and Gary Vaynerchuk. Show 1133

**Sunday, October 6: Guests include Edward Norton, Alessia Cara and musical guest Alessia Cara. Show 1134

**Monday, October 7: Guests include Lupita Nyong’o, Dane Cook and musical guest The Avett Brothers. Show 1135

**Tuesday, October 8: Guests include Clive Owen, Elsie Fisher and musical guest Lewis Capaldi. Show 1136

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' September 23 - September 27


Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.23.19
We are coming to you live every night this week! A special thank you to everyone in the audience for being here! Usually, when you’re out in New York City past midnight on a Monday you’ve made some pretty bad decisions.
Gwen Stefani is here! I love Gwen Stefani; not only is she a music icon, she’s the only reason I know how to spell the word bananas.
Today was the first day of fall. This morning I put on my favorite flannel shirt and scarf, made some hot chocolate, stepped outside and realized it was 90 degrees.
It was 90 degrees in New York today. It was so hot, Trump asked the president of Ukraine for some dirt on the sun.
There’s a giant new scandal involving the president. Trump asked officials in Ukraine to investigate Joe Biden’s family. Yeah, Trump asked Ukraine for election help -- or as he put it, “I was just trying to make Putin jealous!”
Apparently Trump asked the president of Ukraine to investigate Joe Biden’s son. Right now, Eric and Don Jr. are thinking, “Damn, he even pays more attention to Biden’s kid.”
Today reporters asked Trump if he did anything wrong, and he was like, “Yeah, I probably should’ve asked for dirt on Elizabeth Warren.”
Trump’s call with Ukraine could really put his presidency in danger. Today, Nancy Pelosi said, “Another 5 or 600 major violations and we might think about impeachment.”
Nancy Pelosi told the White House to hand over the secret whistleblower complaint by Thursday, or face the consequences. In response, Trump signed an order that eliminates Thursday -- “It now goes Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday.”
This whole thing is pretty shocking -- we’ve spent years talking about Russia, it might be Ukraine that takes down Trump. Who saw that coming? That’s like looking both ways before you cross the street, then getting hit by a drone.
Trump is in New York City to give a speech tomorrow at the UN General Assembly. Yeah, he’s speaking in a room full of leaders with different cultural backgrounds and ethnicities. It’s basically Trump’s version of walking into a haunted house.
Trump’s speech will be a little different. First he’ll make some opening remarks and then he’ll go around one-by-one asking world leaders for dirt on Joe Biden.
Several 2020 candidates were in Iowa, and Joe Biden set up a tent with a bouncy castle, a fire truck, and an ice cream truck. It’s all part of his plan to win that coveted 3 to 8-year old demographic.
New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio announced that he’s dropping out of the race and he’ll eventually support another Democrat. When they heard that, all the other Democrats were like, “Please not me, please not me.”
I heard that Nestlé is gonna start selling luxury, handmade Kit Kats for 17 dollars. They came up with the idea after asking, “What does nobody on Earth want or need?”
An American Airlines flight had to make an unscheduled landing after a passenger started smoking a joint. At first, all the other passengers were furious...and then...not so much.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.24.19
We are live this entire week! I’m really excited – which is nice – cuz if you know me, you know I normally don’t get excited about things.
Tonight was the season premiere of "This Is Us." Or as it’s known over at Kleenex headquarters, “Christmas.”
Tonight was the premiere of “This Is Us,” followed by Nancy Pelosi’s new show, “This Is Us Impeaching You.”
Nancy Pelosi announced a formal inquiry into impeaching President Trump. You can tell Trump’s desperate to make this go away cuz tonight he was like, “Hey! Who wants to see my tax returns?!”
This is really bad news for Trump. Which explains why today, he called Ukraine and was like, “Forget Biden, get me dirt on Pelosi.”
After years of anticipation, Democrats finally took a step toward impeachment. They’re pretty excited -- for them, it was like finally making it to the “Fantasy Suite.”
This whole thing is moving very fast. We found out about the Ukraine scandal last week. The impeachment inquiry is starting this week. Which means Trump will be on “Dancing with the Stars” next week.
It’s been a busy day for Trump. Today he spoke at the United Nations. When his staff first told him he’d be speaking at the world's most important international organization, Trump was like, “OMG, are we going to IHOP?!”
Trump addressed world leaders at the UN General Assembly, and he spoke very calmly and very slowly. Some said it was to “look presidential,” while Melania was like, “I put Xanax in Froot Loops.”
During Trump’s speech, his Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross was caught on camera sleeping. It got even worse when Wilbur started spooning the guy in front of him.
Later, Ross was like, “Oh please, I wasn’t sleeping -- I was just briefly dead.”
Facebook just paid almost one billion dollars for a company that makes wristbands that can read your brain. Which is crazy, cuz I was pretty sure Facebook already knew everything about me.
A woman in France found out she had a 13th century painting worth over six million dollars hanging in her kitchen above a hot plate. She’s pretty excited about the discovery, cuz now she can upgrade to a George Foreman grill.
I read about a woman in the UK who fell in love with her wedding DJ, and now they’re dating. Even worse, the woman told her ex-husband, “Should have sprung for a band.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.25.19
Robert stars in the new movie, “The Irishman” with Al Pacino and Joe Pesci. It’s a little strange to hear those three guys in a movie called “The Irishman.” That’s like a movie starring Liam Neeson, Colin Farrell and Pierce Brosnan called, “The Italians.”
I’m excited about this -- for the third night in a row, we are coming to you LIVE everybody! But don’t worry if you miss anything -- we’ve got a White House staffer backstage typing up a transcript.
Today, Trump released the transcript of his phone call with the President of Ukraine. And it started with him saying... “Congratulations on a great victory... Somebody who wasn't given much of a chance, and you ended up winning easily.”
And then Trump said, (TRUMP) “But enough about me...”
Later in the transcript there was a pretty damaging part where Trump talks about Biden’s son. When Trump saw that part, he said, “That can’t be my transcript, it looks nothing like my handwriting.”
You can tell Trump is running out of explanations. Today, he was like, “It’s not me on the transcript, it’s Alec Baldwin!”
The situation is escalating fast -- today it was all about impeachment, whistleblowers, transcripts -- can’t we go back to when things were simpler, and the president was just fighting with Chrissy Teigen?
Now, a lot of Democrats have come out to show their support for the impeachment of Trump. You can tell they’re on board cuz Nancy Pelosi crowd surfed her way into the office today.
A lot of people are calling the transcript a “smoking gun.” Which explains why today, Trump said, “Okay...NOW I’m ready for gun control.”
On NBC there was an all-new “Chicago Med,” “Chicago Fire,” and “Chicago P.D.” And that was followed by “Chicago Post Office,” “Chicago DMV,” and “Chicago Zoo.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.26.19
It was an absolutely gorgeous day here in New York City! Not cuz of the weather, but cuz President Trump finally went back to Washington.
After spending three days in the city for the UN General Assembly, Trump finally returned to Washington. But it was a little awkward when he got to the Oval Office and saw Mike Pence sitting behind his desk.
A lot of people are happy that Trump’s back in DC. When Trump walked up the White House steps, it was so cute - Rudy Giuliani started barking and scratching at the window.
It's been a rough couple of days for the president. But to put things in perspective, even e-cigarettes were like, “Trump’s having a bad week.”
The big news today is the release of the whistleblower’s complaint about Trump’s call with Ukraine. It started off by saying...“I am reporting an urgent concern.”
The whistleblower then said...“...there were approximately a dozen White House officials who listened to the call.”
But the biggest takeaway from the complaint was the section that claimed...“Officials had intervened to ‘lock down’ all records of the phone call.”
Basically Trump’s being accused of a cover up. I don’t know. Why would anyone think that Trump...is the type of guy...who would “cover something up?”
But the complaint also said...
“The transcript was loaded into a separate electronic system that is otherwise used to store and handle classified information.”
When she saw that, Hillary Clinton’s Apple Watch was like, “Yo, your heartbeat is off the charts right now!”
Marshalls just launched its first-ever online store. But to make shoppers feel like they’re in the real Marshalls, in the pictures online, all the clothes are balled up and thrown on the floor.
Japan Airlines is now letting passengers know ahead of time if a baby is sitting near them on a flight, and giving them the chance to move seats. Meanwhile on Spirit Airlines, if you're near a baby, you just get a text from them that says, “Lol suckaaa!”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.27.19

Billie is incredible. She’s just 17 years old and she’s about to go on a world tour. Meanwhile, when I was 17, I was touring a fake ID around every 7-Eleven.
I just wanna thank our incredible staff for all their hard work. I also wanna thank President Trump for making everyone’s job a lot easier.
It came out today that Democrats wanna write-up formal articles of impeachment against Trump by Halloween. And you’ll know they’re bad when Trump buys a Dora costume and tries sneaking into Mexico. “Can you say ‘Desa Paracer?’”
It looks like Trump could be impeached sometime around the holidays. It’ll be weird on Thanksgiving when Trump pardons a turkey and then asks the turkey to pardon him back. “C’mon Giblet, we had a deal!”
A new poll finds that 47 percent of Americans approve of impeaching Trump. Or as Trump put it, “Hey! My approval rating is up to 47 percent!”
Mitch McConnell said if the House impeaches Trump, the Senate will immediately hold a trial. And here’s how I think the trial will work. Rudy Giuliani will make an opening statement, and five seconds later Trump will be impeached.
Nancy Pelosi said she thinks Attorney General William Barr, who is implicated in the Ukraine scandal, has gone rogue. Usually when this guy goes rogue, it’s when he puts on different wigs to keep getting free samples at Costco.
Trump has been sounding off on Twitter. This morning he once again tweeted... “IT WAS A PERFECT CONVERSATION WITH UKRAINE PRESIDENT!” Is it me? Or is Trump starting to sound like Ross from “Friends?” “WE WERE ON BREAK!”
Jason Momoa addressed the United Nations on climate change today. As soon as he walked in, everyone at UN was like, “Damn, it IS getting hotter.”
The new animated movie “Abominable” comes out today, about a Yeti named Everest. So if you need something to do with the kids, just tell them it’s the “Frozen” sequel and pray they don’t notice.
Finally police in Indiana are looking for the thieves who stole 50 thousand apples from a local orchard. Right now, some kingpin is screaming, “You idiots robbed the wrong Apple store!”

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: September 27 – October 4


Friday, September 27: Guests include Billie Eilish and Sebastian Maniscalco. Live Show 1128

**Monday, September 30: Guests include James Spader, Ruby Rose, Elvis Duran and musical guest DaBaby. Show 1129

Tuesday, October 1: Guests include Lin-Manuel Miranda, Chris Colfer and musical guest the cast of Freestyle Love Supreme. Show 1130

Wednesday, October 2: Guests include Natalie Portman, Henry Winkler and musical guest Robbie Robertson. Show 1131

**Thursday, October 3: Guests include Taylor Swift, Chris O’Dowd and musical guest Angel Olsen. Show 1132

**Friday, October 4: Guests include Joaquin Phoenix, Zoey Deutch and Gary Vaynerchuk. Show 1133

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: September 25 – October 2


Wednesday, September 25: Guests include Robert De Niro, Jameela Jamil and musical guest Bastille. Live Show 1126

**Thursday, September 26: Guests include Michael Che & Colin Jost, Dove Cameron, Robert Irwin and musical guest Carole King. Live Show 1127

Friday, September 27: Guests include Billie Eilish and Sebastian Maniscalco. Live Show 1128

Monday, September 30: Guests include James Spader, Ruby Rose, Elvis Duran and musical guest Koffee. Show 1129

**Tuesday, October 1: Guests include Lin-Manuel Miranda, Chris Colfer and musical guest the cast of Freestyle Love Supreme. Show 1130

**Wednesday, October 2: Guests include Natalie Portman, Henry Winkler and musical guest Robbie Robertson. Show 1131

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: September 23 – 30


Monday, September 23: Guests include Gwen Stefani, Ben Platt and musical guest Zac Brown Band. Live Show 1124

Tuesday, September 24: Guests include Demi Moore, Justin Hartley and musical guest Mark Ronson featuring Yebba. Live Show 1125

Wednesday, September 25: Guests include Robert De Niro, Jameela Jamil and musical guest Bastille. Live Show 1126

**Thursday, September 26: Guests include Michael Che & Colin Jost, Robert Irwin and musical guest Carole King. Live Show 1127

Friday, September 27: Guests include Billie Eilish and Sebastian Maniscalco. Live Show 1128

**Monday, September 30: Guests include James Spader, Ruby Rose, Elvis Duran and musical guest Koffee. Show 1129

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: September 18 – 27


Wednesday, September 18: Guests include Nick Kroll, Dennis Miller, Tyler ‘Ninja’ Blevins and musical guest Residente Ft. Bad Bunny. Show 1121

Thursday, September 19: Guests include Sylvester Stallone, Cedric the Entertainer and Mark Normand. Show 1122

Friday, September 20: Guests include Paul Giamatti, Chrissy Metz and musical guest Sheryl Crow Ft. Chris Stapleton. Show 1123

**Monday, September 23: Guests include Gwen Stefani, Ben Platt and musical guest Zac Brown Band. Live Show 1124

**Tuesday, September 24: Guests include Demi Moore, Justin Hartley and musical guest Mark Ronson featuring Yebba. Live Show 1125

**Wednesday, September 25: Guests include Robert De Niro, Jameela Jamil and musical guest Bastille. Live Show 1126

**Thursday, September 26: Guests include Michael Che & Colin Jost, Robert Irwin and musical guest PUSHA-T. Live Show 1127

**Friday, September 27: Guests include Billie Eilish and Sebastian Maniscalco. Live Show 1128
These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

MEDIA ALERT: ‘THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON’

  • From its home studio at 30 Rock, NBC’s “The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” will be live the entire first week of the season (Sept. 23-27).
  • The week will be filled with surprises and exciting music collaborations, including a special edition of classroom instruments featuring Ringo Starr with Fallon and The Roots performing The Beatles classic “Yellow Submarine.” Fallon also teams up with Charli XCX for a fun mashup of “Just Can’t Get Enough” and “I Love It.” Plus, other one-of-a-kind games, sketches and comedy are in-store. The all-star celebrity lineup includes:

  • Monday, Sept. 23: Gwen Stefani, Ben Platt and musical performance by Zac Brown Band

  • Tuesday, Sept. 24: Demi Moore, Justin Hartley and musical performance by Mark Ronson featuring Yebba

  • Wednesday, Sept. 25: Robert De Niro, Jameela Jamil and musical performance by Bastille

  • Thursday, Sept. 26: Michael Che & Colin Jost, Robert Irwin and musical performance by PUSHA-T

  • Friday, Sept. 27: Billie Eilish and Sebastian Maniscalco

  • Fallon most recently hosted two live shows after the first Democratic presidential primary debates on June 26-27. Prior to that, live telecasts aired following Super Bowl LII and Super Bowl XLIX.

  • “The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” airs weeknights at 11:35 p.m. ET/PT on NBC.
  • From Universal Television and Broadway Video, “The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” is executive produced by Lorne Michaels and Jim Bell serves as Executive in Charge. The show is produced by Gerard Bradford and Jamie Granet-Bederman. “The Tonight Show” tapes before a live studio audience from Studio 6B in 30 Rockefeller Center.

THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: September 17 – 20


Tuesday, September 17: Guests include Sarah Paulson, Michelle Dockery, Fallonventions and musical guest The Lumineers. Show 1120

**Wednesday, September 18: Guests include Nick Kroll, Dennis Miller, Tyler ‘Ninja’ Blevins and musical guest Residente Ft. Bad Bunny. Show 1121

Thursday, September 19: Guests include Sylvester Stallone, Cedric the Entertainer and Mark Normand. Show 1122

**Friday, September 20: Guests include Paul Giamatti, Chrissy Metz and musical guest Sheryl Crow Ft. Chris Stapleton. Show 1123

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

MEDIA ALERT: “THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON” WILL HEAD TO COLLEGE WITH SAMSUNG ON THURSDAY, NOV. 7

  • The news was announced during last night’s show in front of a college student-filled audience that saw Samsung enable Fallon to go out of the studio using the Galaxy Note10 and film how students can make gourmet meals in their dorm alongside Le Bernardine’s Eric Ripert.
     
  • “The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” will visit the University of Texas at Austin campus with celebrity guests and Texas-sized moments, captured with the innovative Samsung Galaxy Note10 smartphone. There will also be many surprises for fans throughout the campus that day.  Stay tuned for more!
     
  • This week’s Wednesday, Sept. 19 show will feature special guest professional gamer Tyler “Ninja” Blevins, who will be teasing some upcoming Samsung gaming news.
     
  • For more information, please visit www.nbc.com/thetonightshow.

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' September 9 - September 12


Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.9.19
We’ve got Ashton Kutcher on the show tonight! It’s been a weird few years for Ashton - people keep waiting for him to pop outta the White House and yell, “You just got Punk’d!”
It’s Fashion Week here in New York City! You can tell it’s Fashion Week cuz earlier today, I watched a rat eat the cheese off a pizza and toss away the crust. “No carbs, no carbs this week.”
This is the time of year when all the big names release their new lines. For example, last night, President Trump released his new line of insults against Chrissy Teigen and John Legend.
After John Legend went on MSNBC and said we need more criminal justice reform, Trump went on Twitter, calling Legend “boring” and referring to Chrissy as “John Legend’s filthy mouth wife.”
You know these are strange times when the president attacks John Legend and Chrissy Teigen but invites the Taliban to Camp David.
We’re just three days away from the next Democratic debate and this one will feature the 10 leading candidates all on stage at the same time. That’s right, 10 candidates all on stage talking over each other, for ABC, it’s basically “The View” on steroids.
Apple was caught breaking a Chinese labor law to build its latest iPhone. People in China were shocked, they were like, “Wait, we have labor laws?!”
But now Apple is doing the best they can to fix the situation. Today, they apologized, and sent all of their temporary staffers back to Kindergarten.
I want to congratulate Rafael Nadal on winning the U.S. Open Title. The match lasted almost 5 hours! Let me put this in perspective for you, at the beginning of the match, Trump was in a feud with Debra Messing, by the end, he was in a feud with Chrissy Teigen.
You could tell the match was long, after the third hour, the ballboys were just like, “You get it.”
Yesterday was the first Sunday of the NFL season, and I saw that during his game against the Titans, Cleveland Browns receiver Odell Beckham Jr. wore a 350,000 dollar watch. He’s playing in the NFL with a 350,000 dollar watch on-- meanwhile, my dad puts his Casio in the hotel safe before he takes a shower.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.10.19
Jennifer Lopez is my guest tonight! Jennifer is here promoting her new movie “Hustlers,” which is about a group of strippers who steal money from wealthy men on Wall Street. Jennifer has done the impossible – she’s made a movie that both President Trump AND Bernie Sanders can enjoy.
Let’s get to the big news out of Washington. Earlier today, President Trump announced over Twitter that he fired his National Security Adviser John Bolton. Yeah, Trump tweeted “Bolton’s services were no longer needed” and that he “strongly disagreed with many of his suggestions.” Bolton thought we should continue the war in Afghanistan and Trump thought we should continue the war with Chrissy Teigen.
Pretty soon after Trump’s tweets, Bolton responded on Twitter by saying “I offered to resign last night and President Trump said, "Let's talk about it tomorrow." Trump was like, “Technically, I am talking about it tomorrow.” I mean, Bolton really should’ve seen this coming - every kid on Earth knows, “Let's talk about it tomorrow” means you’re definitely not getting that pony.
Now that he’s out of a job, Bolton said he’s going to spend more time with his fellow walruses. I’m just kidding. Bolton actually said he’s gonna head west and “Pan for gold in dem dere hills!”
But it’s not all bad news for Bolton. I mean, if he wants to keep his job, he could just shave his mustache and show up for work tomorrow. “Who’s the new guy? Welcome aboard.”
Last night, Trump went to North Carolina for a rally, and right after he arrived, a bolt of lightning struck close to Air Force One. It’s weird -- for a few minutes, everything Trump tweeted was spelled exactly right.
But it’s smart for Trump to hit the campaign trail, cuz a new poll is showing his approval rating is at just 38 percent. Trump didn’t seem too upset, he was like, “The only polls I care about now are the ones in strip clubs, go see ‘Hustlers’ out this weekend.”
And now Trump is doing the best he can to boost his approval rating. Today, he took a Sharpie and turned the “38” into an “88.”
Apple unveiled its new iPhones today, and everyone’s excited cuz the new version has three cameras on the back. Yeah, Apple says it takes such clear selfies, you’ll find chins you never knew you had.
They also introduced a new Frogger game for their Apple Arcade service. Because nothing says “cutting edge” like hottest game from 1981.
It’s currently Fashion Week here in New York City. This year, many designers are showing-off some interesting new looks. For example, one designer debuted something a little strange: A bejeweled beard. That’s actually part of their Wolf Blitzer Collection.
And I saw one of the hot new trends this year are tiny purses. They’re perfect if you only wanna carry around one Altoid. It’s tiny, but somehow it STILL takes 10 minutes to find your keys.
I heard that Kanye West just purchased a 14-million dollar ranch in Wyoming, where he’ll raise horses and cattle. Yeah, horses and cattle. So Kanye – get ready to “Scoopity-poop.”
There's a new version of Monopoly out called "Ms. Monopoly," where women get paid more than men. Yeah, the Monopoly guy got the boot! So between him and John Bolton, it’s been a rough day for old guys with mustaches. 

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.11.19
Coming into work today I saw a bunch of paparazzi outside and thought, “Well, you’ve still got it, Jimmy!” and then I remembered my guest tonight is Kim Kardashian West!
I actually ran into Kim backstage and asked if she’d post a picture of us on her Instagram, and then she was like, “No problem! That’ll be two million dollars.”
Tomorrow night is the third Democratic debate on ABC, so it’ll be Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune, followed by a debate full of people who watch Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune.
Tomorrow’s debate on ABC is scheduled to be three hours long. Americans were like, “Um, the only thing we’ll watch for three hours on ABC is “The Bachelor.”
Right now, the candidates are making their way to the debate and I saw that Amy Klobuchar and Pete Buttigieg were on the same flight. Then it got weird when Bill de Blasio walked by like, “Peanuts? Headphones?”
The other big story is President Trump firing National Security Advisor John Bolton. Some are saying that part of the reason Trump fired Bolton was because he “never-liked his mustache.” Well, I guess whatever animal is on Bolton’s lip didn’t get along with whatever animal is on Trump’s head. 

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.12.19
We’ve got a great show! Jennifer Garner is here! Jim Jefferies is here! And we’ve got music from Megan Thee Stallion! She’s huge right now with her hit, “Hot Girl Summer.” Although, after seeing Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders at tonight’s debate, it feels more like “Old Man Fall.”
Tonight was the third Democratic debate , and I read that the candidates were all warned not to swear during the debate. Then it got weird when Bernie was like, “And what about nudity?”
Yeah, tonight was the third Democratic debates and I heard that the candidates were warned not to swear on stage. Yeah, the moderators said that any dirty language would make them appear too presidential.
Trump’s campaign hired a plane to fly a banner over Houston that said, “Socialism will kill Houston’s economy.” It was a great plan until they realized the debate was happening at night.
It just came out that the racehorse Justify, who won last year’s Triple Crown, failed a drug test before the Kentucky Derby. Officials knew something was up before the race when Justify told the horse next to him, “Pee in this cup for me.” You could tell he was on something when his trainer needed a giant saddle to cover up his “bacne.”
There are rumors that Jennifer Lopez might perform at this year’s Super Bowl halftime show. The NFL is really hoping she says yes, cuz their next option is Pete Buttigieg and Beto O’Rourke.
I wanna say congrats to DJ Khaled who’s having a baby. When the baby was born DJ Khaled was like, “anotha one!”
A company has started making a new blue rosé. It’s pretty cool, they only use the finest grapes from France’s Listerine region.

THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: September 16 – 20


Monday, September 16: Guests include Kamala Harris, Lilly Singh, Charli XCX and musical guest Charli XCX ft. Christine and the Queens. Show 1119

**Tuesday, September 17: Guests include Sarah Paulson, Michelle Dockery, Fallonventions and musical guest The Lumineers. Show 1120

**Wednesday, September 18: Guests include Dennis Miller, Tyler ‘Ninja’ Blevins and musical guest Residente Ft. Bad Bunny. Show 1121

**Thursday, September 19: Guests include Sylvester Stallone, Cedric the Entertainer and Mark Normand. Show 1122

**Friday, September 20: Guests include Paul Giamatti, Chrissy Metz and musical guest Sheryl Crow Ft. Chris Stapleton. Show 1123

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: September 9 – 16


**Monday, September 9: Guests include Ashton Kutcher, Billie Lour, Bianca Andreescu and musical guest Sheryl Crow Ft. Jason Isbell. Show 1115

Tuesday, September 10: Guests include Jennifer Lopez, Russell Westbrook and Ryan Hamilton. Show 1116

Wednesday, September 11: Guests include Kim Kardashian West, Kim Kardashian West & Winnie Harlow and musical guest Iggy Pop. Show 1117

Thursday, September 12: Guests include Jennifer Garner, Jim Jefferies and musical guest Megan Thee Stallion. Show 1118

**Friday, September 13: TBD repeat episode.

**Monday, September 16: Guests include Kamala Harris, Lilly Singh, Charli XCX and musical guest Charli XCX ft. Christine and the Queens. Show 1119

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' September 3 - September 8


Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.3.19
Earlier today, millions of students across the country went back to school. Kids told their parents, “I’ll miss you so much!” Then parents were like, “And I’ll...see you after school!”
It was a pretty typical day for most students. Teachers started off by asking, "Does everyone have their supplies?” And students were like, "Yep, headphones, vape pen and CBD gummies."
New York City’s public schools are trying to be healthier this year, so they’re no longer serving salami or bologna sandwiches, instead they’re going with organic, free-range pigeon.
With the hurricane possibly hitting Florida, Trump’s not taking any chances, he even sent Don Jr. to the roof of Mar-a-Lago to give him live updates. “Stay up there Don, aim the golf club at the biggest cloud.”
I saw that a lock of George Washington’s hair is going up for auction and it’s expected to sell for at least 50,000 dollars. As soon as he heard, Trump was like, “Wow! I have a shower drain that’s worth 20 million dollars!”
In Australia, a student pilot had to land the plane after his flying instructor passed out during his very first lesson. The student was congratulated by officials, while the instructor was hired by Spirit Airlines.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.4.19
Tomorrow is the official start of the 2019 NFL season! It kicks off right here on NBC with the Chicago Bears hosting the Green Bay Packers! Which makes sense, because legally, anything in Chicago HAS TO be on NBC.
For the next six months, 31 teams will battle for a chance to lose to the Patriots.
I love the NFL season! It’s that special time of year when everyone finds out which family members have a serious gambling problem.
Americans love gambling on football. Listen to this – a new survey finds that 15 percent of the country will bet on football this year. While the other 85 percent are completely broke from betting on football last year.
This is a special year because it’s the 100th anniversary of the NFL, and even more impressive, Tom Brady has played quarterback in all of them.
Long shot candidate Marianne Williamson had to delete a tweet that said the “power of the mind” could turn away Hurricane Dorian. I can't tell what's worse - Marianne tweeted that or Trump retweeted that. “She’s good. We should consider that. Call France and get me all the mimes.” “No sir, MIND not MIME.” “Close the windows. Power of the MIME.”
Democratic candidate Andrew Yang said today that electing Joe Biden would take America “backwards in time." And right after, Yang said electing Bernie Sanders would take America "Back To The Future.”
I saw that Netflix is releasing episodes of TV shows weekly, rather than all at once. Yeah, Netflix said they’re really excited about completely defeating the purpose of Netflix.
Netflix is releasing some shows week-by-week, instead of all at once. They looked at their viewers and said, “We thought you animals could control yourselves, but we were wrong.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.5.19
Earlier tonight, the NFL season kicked off with the Green Bay Packers taking on the Chicago Bears! Everybody was excited -- now we get to watch football, and more importantly, we get to drink in the middle of the week!
Tonight was the big Packers - Bears game, both teams played great, but in the end the big winner between those two cities was once again Pepto Bismol.
Right now, the Kansas City Chiefs are the big favorites to win the Super Bowl, while the biggest underdogs are the Miami Dolphins. The Dolphins are 500-to-1 longshots to win it all. You can tell they’re depressed -- when they run out of the tunnel, the music in the stadium is Adele.
Seriously, I am so pumped that football is back! For once, it’ll be nice to see someone fumble that isn’t Joe Biden.
Speaking of Biden - did you guys see him on CNN's Town Hall last night? It was crazy - he was on stage and just started bleeding from his eye. I don’t know if he wants to be president or the next Bond villain. “I think climate change is real, Mr. Bond. No more straws for you, Mr. Bond. The turtle will see to that.”
I saw that The Eagles offensive line just posed naked in ESPN The Magazine’s “Body Issue.” They look like a boy band that fell on really hard times. They just changed their slogan from Fly Eagles Fly" to "Why Eagles Why?"
Last night, CNN hosted 2020 Democrats for 7 hours of town halls focused on climate change. Yep, seven hours -- even CSPAN was like, (SNORE).
Bill de Blasio is thinking about dropping out of the presidential race next month. When he told his family, they were like, “We thought you dropped out six weeks ago.”
A bride told her maid of honor that she could wear anything she wanted to her wedding, so she decided to dress up like a T-Rex. It was funny until she dropped the rings and said, “Can someone help me pick this up?

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.6.19
“It: Chapter 2” comes out this weekend! When they heard, actual clowns were like, “Oh come on, I was JUST starting to get work again!
President Trump just promised that if he’s re-elected, he’d build 500 miles of border wall. Yeah, and if he’s not re-elected, he'll just draw a wall with a Sharpie.
The Trump Administration just announced they’re rolling back efficiency standards for light bulbs. It was a confusing day at the White House, because every time Trump said “dim bulbs,” Eric and Don Jr. busted in and said, “You rannnng?”
The third Democratic presidential debate is in less than a week, and this time, all the candidates can fit on one stage. Yeah, we’ll hear from the 10 candidates up there, plus Bill de Blasio shouting from the audience.
I saw that this debate will be on ABC, which is nice because the winners will get a boost in the polls, while the losers will get a spot on “Dancing with the Stars.’
Google is being fined 170 million dollars for violating children’s privacy. Pretty messed up -- not only did they collect kids’ data they also told Becky that Greg “liked her” but didn’t “like her-like her.’
Yellowstone’s Steamboat Geyser had a record number of premature eruptions this year. Today, Park Rangers walked up to it and said, “Don’t worry, this happens to lots of Geysers.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.8.19
This is so exciting! We are here on Sunday night! Right now, everyone who passed out during the games is waking up to this like, (DRUNK) “Oh my god, I slept through Monday!” (”I’m so fired!”)
It was an interesting day around the office too. At 1PM, people on the crew came up to me and we’re like, “I had to sell my Jets tickets because of today’s show. I had to sell them.” By 4PM, they were like, “Hey, thanks for doing a show so I didn’t have to watch the freakin’ Jets.”
We’re at the start of a new season, and I guess one of the big trends this year is healthier foods at the stadium. The Dallas Cowboys are now selling quinoa salad and mushroom burgers. If you’re interested, look for the concession stand with no one in line.
Not only that, I read that more stadiums are offering a selection of fine wines. Here’s how it works: First, you pick out a nice vintage, then you taste it, and then you strap two bottles to a helmet with a giant plastic tube. Bottle of red, bottle of white, rose baby!
Of course, we are coming to you after tonight’s big Sunday night game between the Patriots and the Steelers! Before the game, Rob Gronkowski busted out of the tunnel, chest bumped his teammates, trash talked the Steelers and then remembered he retired six months ago.
The big NFL story is about superstar wide receiver Antonio Brown. Here’s the story, Antonio got frostbite on his feet after he went into one of those cryotherapy chambers with the wrong shoes. Next, he didn’t wanna play because his helmet wasn’t NFL-approved. Then, he cursed out the GM and threatened to fight him. Then, he went on social media and asked to be released. Even Bachelor fans are like, “This is WAY too much drama.”

THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: September 5 – 12


Thursday, September 5: Guests include Kendall Jenner, Desus & Mero and musical guest Tanya Tucker ft. Brandi Carlile. Show 1112


Friday, September 6: Guests include Ryan Seacrest, Robin Thede and Derren Brown. Show 1113

Sunday, September 8: Guests include Michael B. Jordan & Jamie Foxx, Kelly Clarkson and musical guest Kane Brown. Show 1114

Monday, September 9: Guests include Ashton Kutcher, Billie Lourd and musical guest Sheryl Crow Ft. Jason Isbell. Show 1115

**Tuesday, September 10: Guests include Jennifer Lopez and Russell Westbrook. Show 1116

**Wednesday, September 11: Guests include Kim Kardashian West, Kim Kardashian West & Winnie Harlow and musical guest Iggy Pop. Show 1117

**Thursday, September 12: Guests include Jennifer Garner, Jim Jefferies and musical guest Megan Thee Stallion. Show 1118


These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: September 3 – 10


Tuesday, September 3: Guests include Bill Hader, Cara Delevingne, Lester Holt and musical guest Alec Benjamin. Show 1110


Wednesday, September 4: Guests include Orlando Bloom, Constance Wu, Jack White & Brendan Benson and musical guest The Raconteurs. Show 1111

Thursday, September 5: Guests include Kendall Jenner, Desus & Mero and musical guest Tanya Tucker ft. Brandi Carlile. Show 1112

Friday, September 6: Guests include Ryan Seacrest, Robin Thede and Derren Brown. Show 1113

**Sunday, September 8: Guests include Michael B. Jordan & Jamie Foxx, Kelly Clarkson and musical guest Kane Brown. Show 1114

**Monday, September 9: Guests include Ashton Kutcher, Billie Lourd and musical guest Sheryl Crow Ft. Jason Isbell. Show 1115

**Tuesday, September 10: Guests include Jennifer Lopez, Russell Westbrook and musical guest Solange. Show 1116


These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: August 29 – September 6


Thursday, August 29: Guests include Julianne Moore, Jacob Tremblay and Julio Torres. OAD 8/5/19

Friday, August 30: Guests include Millie Bobby Brown, Finn Wolfhard, Gaten Matarazzo, Caleb McLaughlin, Noah Schnapp, and Sadie Sink, Ramy Youssef, and Ivan Orkin. OAD 6/14/19

Monday, September 2: Guests include Ron Burgundy, Lil Rel Howery and musical guest Natalie Merchant. OAD 8/8/19

Tuesday, September 3: Guests include Bill Hader, Cara Delevingne, Lester Holt and musical guest Alec Benjamin. Show 1110

Wednesday, September 4: Guests include Orlando Bloom, Constance Wu, Jack White & Brendan Benson and musical guest The Raconteurs. Show 1111

**Thursday, September 5: Guests include Kendall Jenner, Desus & Mero and musical guest Tanya Tucker ft. Brandi Carlile. Show 1112

**Friday, September 6: Guests include Ryan Seacrest, Robin Thede and Derren Brown. Show 1113

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: August 28 – September 4


Wednesday, August 28: Guests include Common, Kate Upton and musical guest Common ft. Swizz Beatz. OAD 8/12/19

Thursday, August 29: Guests include Julianne Moore, Jacob Tremblay and Julio Torres. OAD 8/5/19

Friday, August 30: Guests include Millie Bobby Brown, Finn Wolfhard, Gaten Matarazzo, Caleb McLaughlin, Noah Schnapp, and Sadie Sink, Ramy Youssef, and Ivan Orkin. OAD 6/14/19

Monday, September 2: Guests include Ron Burgundy, Lil Rel Howery and musical guest Natalie Merchant. OAD 8/8/19

**Tuesday, September 3: Guests include Bill Hader, Cara Delevingne, Lester Holt and musical guest Alec Benjamin. Show 1110

**Wednesday, September 4: Guests include Orlando Bloom, Constance Wu, Jack White & Brendan Benson and musical guest The Raconteurs. Show 1111

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' August 12 - August 15


Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.12.19
It was a beautiful weekend here in New York City! It was so nice, the prison guards watching Jeffrey Epstein's cell left for hours to have a picnic.
Right now, President Trump is in New Jersey on a 10 day vacation. White House staffers were excited, until they realized they’ve gotta spend 10 days with Mike Pence. “Who wants to alphabetize some memos?!”
This is Trump’s August retreat –- or as he calls it, “My August re-tweet.” People close to Trump say that he’s spending most of his vacation tweeting, golfing, and watching TV. Unlike when he’s working, where spends his time golfing, tweeting, and watching TV.
Not only is Trump on break -- so is Congress and the Supreme Court. It’s probably not a good sign for our country that all three branches of government are on vacation and no one can tell the difference.
The Trump administration is staying busy. Today they announced a new rule that makes it harder for legal immigrants to get green cards. Now the only way an immigrant can get a green card is by marrying Trump.
The White House also announced they’re taking away protections from endangered species. In response, the bald eagle living in Trump’s hair immediately went into hiding.
Back in Iowa, Kamala Harris just debuted a new campaign bus with her name on the side. Bill de Blasio is riding in something similar -- but across the side, it says “Greyhound.”
Speaking of de Blasio. He went to Iowa for the State Fair, but only 15 people showed up to his event. 15 people? There’s more moles in the whack-a-mole game at the Iowa State Fair.
Doctors say that a man suffered a collapsed lung after a night of intense karaoke. He’s doing okay now, but just to be safe they’re warning people not to even bother Lady Gaga’s part in “Shallow.”
I saw that today was National Middle Child Day and you could tell it was National Middle Child Day, because everyone forgot about it.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.13.19
Trump took a break from his trip to visit the Shell Chemical plant in Beaver County, Pennsylvania. When he showed up in Beaver County and saw a chemical plant, he was like, “This is definitely not what I thought it was.”
Actually, Trump was excited to visit the Shell Chemical plant, because “Shell Chemical” is his brand of hairspray.
While he was in San Francisco, Alex Rodriguez had 500,000 dollars-worth of stuff stolen from his rental car. The items included some jewelry, a camera, and a gym bag containing a house and another rental car.
Olive Garden is once again selling its “Lifetime Pasta Pass.” Here’s how it works – You eat a lifetime’s worth pasta at one meal, and then you pass.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.14.19
Hot crowd! Please please keep it down, you might wake up Jeffrey Epstein’s prison guards.
It just came out that the guards in charge of Jeffrey Epstein were asleep on the job. Even worse – today they were re-assigned to guard El Chapo.
Democratic candidate John Hickenlooper is considering dropping out of the presidential race. “Don’t do it!” Said, absolutely no one. Do you guys know about John Hickenlooper? Yeah, that was part of the problem. He’s leaving the race. When he broke the news to all his supporters, they were like, “Cool dad, thanks for telling us.”
It makes sense, right now, he’s polling at zero percent. I’m not saying his campaign is in bad shape, but even the guard who fell asleep watching Jeffrey Epstein is at two percent.
On a recent Delta flight from Aspen to Salt Lake City, there was just one passenger. Just one guy on the whole plane, but when they were boarding, they still made him wait until Zone 5. When the beverage cart went by – it STILL slammed into his knee, and they lost his bag.
A Florida couple who met at the grocery store Publix decided to take their engagement photos in the grocery store. If they ever split up, they’ll just put one of those checkout dividers between themselves.
Everyone’s okay, but in Seattle a 70 year-old man mixed up the break pedal and the gas pedal, and drove through the window of an LA Fitness. He’s in the pool! I can’t tell what’s scarier – the accident, or that the driver is seven years younger than Bernie Sanders and Joe Biden.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.15.19
The one and only John Travolta is here! A legend! I’m a huge fan of every movie he’s been in. He can sing, he can dance, he can act! He’s here promoting his new film, “The Fanatic.” Which after saying all that – is probably about me.
We’re halfway through August and people don’t know how to handle this weird time between summer and fall. Today I saw someone drinking a Pumpkin Spiced Rosé.
Yesterday the stock market dropped 800 points and suffered its worst loss of the year. I’m not saying the economy is in trouble, but right now giving money to John Hickenlooper’s presidential campaign is a better investment.
The stock market plummeted 800 points! The graph was intense. It looked like a heart monitor BEFORE you buy Olive Garden’s Lifetime Pasta Pass...and AFTER you buy Olive Garden’s Lifetime Pasta Pass.
Trump’s allies are worried that he’s “running out of tools” to fix the economy. When Trump heard, he was like, “Not true. I have Eric and Don Jr, they’re more than enough tools.”
News of the economy is really hurting Trump’s popularity. A new poll was just released that says Trump’s disapproval rate is at 56 percent, and now I’m really worried Trump might not fix the economy because he just asked, “What do the other 56 percent think?”
The film “Blinded By The Light” comes out tomorrow night, and it’s inspired by the music of Bruce Springsteen! When asked how many stars he’d give the film, Bruce said, “One...two...three...four!”
Coca-Cola just announced they’re releasing two new flavors – Coca-Cola Cinnamon and Winter Spiced Cranberry Sprite. The company says they’ll be available while supplies last – and based on those flavors, that’ll be forever.
In Idaho, the Guinness World Record was just broken for “Most People Scratching Lotto Tickets At The Same Time.” Even worse, that’s Trump’s plan to fix the economy.
I saw a new study that found people who left their phones at home during vacation experienced symptoms of withdrawal, eventually they just started pointing at random objects and people and yelling “LIKE!”
I read about a new trend where people have started adding bitmoji's to their resumes. They’re actually pretty helpful, now the person interviewing you knows exactly why you’re unemployed.
In Florida, there was a raccoon that had to be rescued from a vending machine. The rescue was pretty easy - firefighters just put in a dollar and pressed “A-2.”
Have you guys ever heard of Longneck Avocados? Well, photos of them are going viral. The eggplant emoji saw that and was like, “Well, I had a good run.”

THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: August 19 – September 2


Monday, August 19: Guests include Dwayne Johnson, Issa Rae and musical guest Eddy Grant. OAD 7/31/19

Tuesday, August 20: Guests include Nicki Minaj, Phoebe Robinson and musical guest Julia Michaels. OAD 6/27/19

Wednesday, August 21: Guests include Selena Gomez, Elaine Welteroth and musical guest Goldlink Ft. Maleek Berry. OAD 6/11/19

Thursday, August 22: Guests include Rachel Brosnahan, Carla Gugino, Fortnite World Cup Solo Champion Kyle “Bugha” Giersdorf and musical guest Ty Dolla $ign. OAD 7/29/19

Friday, August 23: Guests include Dana Carvey, Emily Ratajkowski and Chloe Hilliard. OAD 5/24/19

**Monday, August 26: Guests include Dakota Johnson, Post Malone, Jon Lovitz and musical guest Tyler Childers. OAD 8/6/19

**Tuesday, August 27: Guests include Maya Rudolph, Rita Ora and musical guests Kygo & Rita Ora. OAD 5/8/19

**Wednesday, August 28: Guests include Common, Kate Upton and musical guest Common ft. Swizz Beatz. OAD 8/12/19

**Thursday, August 29: Guests include Julianne Moore, Jacob Tremblay and Julio Torres. OAD 8/5/19

**Friday, August 30: Guests include Millie Bobby Brown, Finn Wolfhard, Gaten Matarazzo, Caleb McLaughlin, Noah Schnapp, and Sadie Sink, Ramy Youssef, and Ivan Orkin. OAD 6/14/19

**Monday, September 2: Guests include Ron Burgundy, Lil Rel Howery, and musical guest Natalie Merchant. OAD 8/8/19

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: August 15 – 23


Thursday, August 15: Guests include John Travolta, Marlon Wayans, Mary Beth Keane and musical guest Caroline Jones. Show 1109

Friday, August 16: Guests include Hasan Minhaj, Vanessa Kirby and musical guest Sam Fender. OAD 8/1/19

**Monday, August 19: Guests include Dwayne Johnson, Issa Rae and musical guest Eddy Grant. OAD 7/31/19

**Tuesday, August 20: Guests include Nicki Minaj, Phoebe Robinson and musical guest Julia Michaels. OAD 6/27/19

**Wednesday, August 21: Guests include Selena Gomez, Elaine Welteroth and musical guest Goldlink Ft. Maleek Berry. OAD 6/11/19

**Thursday, August 22: Guests include Rachel Brosnahan, Carla Gugino, Fortnite World Cup Solo Champion Kyle “Bugha” Giersdorf and musical guest Ty Dolla $ign. OAD 7/29/19

**Friday, August 23: Guests include Dana Carvey, Emily Ratajkowski and Chloe Hilliard. OAD 5/24/19

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: August 12 – 16


Monday, August 12: Guests include Common, Kate Upton and musical guest Common ft. Swizz Beatz. Show 1106

Tuesday, August 13: Guests include Henry Golding, Jonathan Groff and musical guest Rick Ross Ft. Swizz Beatz. Show 1107

Wednesday, August 14: Guests include Ice Cube, Kieran Culkin, Alessia Cara and musical guest Juanes & Alessia Cara. Show 1108

Thursday, August 15: Guests include John Travolta, Marlon Wayans, Mary Beth Keane and musical guest Caroline Jones. Show 1109

**Friday, August 16: Guests include Hasan Minhaj, Vanessa Kirby and musical guest Sam Fender. OAD 8/1/19

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' August 5 -August 8


Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.5.19
Tonight was the season premiere of “Bachelor in Paradise!” It’s for everyone who watched “The Bachelorette” and thought, “This is a litttttle too classy for me.”
“Bachelor in Paradise” is here! It’s the show that’s got way too much alcohol, and not nearly enough chlorine. The cast includes Caelynn, Dean, and Clay -- meanwhile, Luke P. wasn’t invited, but you know he’s gonna show up anyway.
It was a big night on TV. ABC had “Bachelor in Paradise,” CBS had “Love Island,” and here on NBC it was “Chicago: Orgy.”
Over the weekend, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell tripped at his house, and broke his shoulder. On the bright side, it’ll be harder for him to shrug off gun control.
There was a bat on the plane! The Spirit flight attendants were like, “Well, there goes the in-flight meal.”
They used a cup and a book and then they trapped it in a bathroom. That was great, unless you needed to use to the bathroom on a six -hour flight.
Instagram is changing its name, and soon it’ll officially be called “Instagram From Facebook.” Even “Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw” was like, “That’s a bit wordy.”
Yesterday, Instagram actually went down for a few hours. Instagram went down on a Sunday -- everybody eating brunch just looked at each other and said, “What’s the point?”
CVS is launching its own membership program that comes with free home delivery, they’ll deliver within a 10-mile radius -- or roughly the length of one receipt.
Kellogg’s is making a new cereal inspired by the song, “Baby Shark,” because that's what you need: you want to remind kids about the Baby Shark song, AND THEN give them five pounds of sugar.
July was the hottest month ever recorded on Earth. Right now, Democrats are blaming global warming, while Republicans are blaming video games.
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.6.19
Dakota Johnson is my guest tonight! Jon Lovitz is stopping by! And Post Malone is here! Actually in honor of Post Malone, everyone in tonight’s audience is going home with a face tattoo!
The economy is having a pretty wild week. Thanks to our trade war with China, stocks have been up and down, and I saw that Apple lost almost 50 billion dollars. Then every customer with a missing AirPod was like, “Sucks losing something, doesn’t it?”
All the big tech companies like Amazon, Apple, and Facebook got hit hard, and you can tell their CEOs are depressed...
Last night, Jeff Bezos got drunk and ordered a bunch of crap off Amazon.
Tim Cook whispered to Siri, “Hold me.”
And Mark Zuckerberg poked himself just to feel something.
I can’t believe this hadn’t happened already, but in a tweet this morning, Trump misspelled his own name. Yeah, take a look. He wrote… “Donald Ttump.” Donald Ttump. When Don Jr. saw, he was like, “I can’t believe I’ve been spelling it wrong this whole time!”
Meanwhile, after staffers told Trump he misspelled his name, he tweeted this. “Sorry, I meant to say, “Ddnald Ttump.”
Kylie Jenner’s birthday is this week, and to celebrate, I saw that Travis Scott filled her whole house with roses. Kylie was like, “Awww!” While her Roomba was like, “Drop me in the tub.”
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.7.19
Greg Kinnear is my guest tonight! And Phoebe Waller-Bridge is here! Phoebe stars in the hit comedy series “Fleabag,” which is also the name of a hotel near Penn Station.
A new poll about the 2020 election just came out, and it shows Joe Biden, Elizabeth Warren, and Bernie Sanders are leading the pack -- even though they’re all over 70 years-old. So far, the only thing they agree on is that the next debate should be at 4:30.
The poll also found that Bill de Blasio is polling lower than one percent. That’s horrible. To give you an idea of how bad that is - that’s polling lower than kale.
He’s lower than the squirt of water that comes out of your ketchup bottle.
That’s lower than sliding into damp bowling shoes.
That’s lower than having a Q and no U in Scrabble.
That’s lower than filming concerts with an iPad.
Another Democrat, Andrew Yang, just released a Spotify playlist of his quote “favorite jams.” When they asked other candidates for their favorite jams, Bernie Sanders was like, “Strawberry Smuckers!”
Andrew Yang’s playlist includes the song, “Don’t You Forget About Me,” which is cool, because that’s also his campaign slogan.
In an interview this week, Marie Kondo admitted that sometimes her own house can get a little messy. Really?! Marie Kondo has a messy house? That’s like Oprah saying, “Can I have a ride? I don’t have a car.”
A guy in California who went to jail for pretending to be a doctor, just got his medical license in the Caribbean, and is now an actual doctor here in the U.S. Meanwhile his patient was like, “Okay, not the BEST story to tell during my prostate exam.”
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.8.19
We had a beautiful day here in New York City! It was 85 and sunny -- it was so nice, over at LaGuardia, United pilots switched from whiskey to Piña Coladas.
Starting today, all the Democratic presidential candidates are visiting the Iowa State Fair. Yeah, it’s the time of year they all pretend to be relatable by wearing jeans. “You fellas like the crease on these bad boys?”
The fair is a huge event, featuring deep-fried Twinkies, bacon-wrapped sausage, and brownies-on-a-stic, or as one guy put it, “Wow, it’s just like the White House!”
The fair is massive. Organizers set up literally hundreds of food tents, and this is nice -- they also set up a “pre-chewed” food tent for Bernie Sanders and Joe Biden.
The fair can be rough though -- it’s basically the time when a candidate is cruising in the polls, and then there’s an unfortunate photo of them eating a corn dog.
The fair has a 600-pound cow made out of butter. It’s tough for Democrats -- they try to make the case for universal healthcare, and people are like, “Move, you’re blocking the butter cow!”
They also got bumper cars. Bernie will spend the whole time looking for his turn signal, Buttigieg isn’t tall enough to ride, and the minute it starts, Biden will get slammed by every other candidate.
But all the candidates are excited to be there and meet the people of Iowa face-to-face, while Marianne Williamson is excited to drop acid and run naked through a corn maze.
The first Iowa State Fair was held in 1854. Even crazier – it also featured a speech from Bernie Sanders.
After it came out that SoulCycle’s owner is a Trump donor, a lot of people started boycotting their spin classes. Meanwhile, when Trump heard his donor owns a spin class, he boycotted the donor.
In a new interview, Woody Harrelson said he once had to smoke weed just to get through a dinner with Trump. It got awkward when he stepped outside with a joint, and Melania was already out there with a bong.

THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: August 8 – 15


Thursday, August 8: Guests include Special Guest, Lil Rel Howery, and musical guest Natalie Merchant. Show 1105


Friday, August 9: Guests include Kevin Bacon, Queer Eye’s Fab Five and musical guest The Highwomen. OAD 7/30/19

Monday, August 12: Guests include Common, Kate Upton and musical guest Common ft. Swizz Beatz. Show 1106

Tuesday, August 13: Guests include Henry Golding, Jonathan Groff and musical guest Rick Ross Ft. Swizz Beatz. Show 1107

Wednesday, August 14: Guests include Ice Cube, Kieran Culkin, Alessia Cara and musical guest Juanes & Alessia Cara. Show 1108

**Thursday, August 15: Guests include John Travolta, Marlon Wayans, Mary Beth Keane and musical guest Caroline Jones. Show 1109


These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

‘THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON’ OPENS THE NEW FALL SEASON WITH SUNDAY POST-FOOTBALL TELECASTS AND A WEEK OF LIVE SHOWS


Fallon to Air Five Times Following “Sunday Night Football” and Late Local News Beginning Sept. 8
Thrills Continue With Full Week of Live Shows Sept. 23-27 From Home Studio at 30 Rock

NEW YORK – Aug. 8, 2019 – In a late-night first, “The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” is getting into the gridiron groove with five telecasts that will follow the fall’s most exciting sports event, NBC’s “Sunday Night Football.” 

The first post-“Sunday Night Football” show will air Sept. 8 following a prime AFC match-up when the Pittsburgh Steelers travel to Foxborough, Mass., to take on the World Champion New England Patriots.

Guests for the telecast will include Jamie Foxx and Michael B. Jordan, who will share a clip of their new film, “Just Mercy.” In addition, Kelly Clarkson will appear to discuss her latest project, the daytime series “The Kelly Clarkson Show,” and singer Kane Brown will perform.
The other four “Tonight Show” Sunday telecasts are Oct. 6, 20, 27 and Dec. 1. “The Tonight Show” will air all five nights following late local news. Check local listings for specific times/markets.
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eglp6u8LBdU

Additionally, the show will broadcast an entire week live on Sept. 23-27, which is the opening week of the new fall season. Fallon recently hosted two live shows from its home studio at 30 Rock after the first Democratic presidential primary debates on June 26 and 27. Prior to that, live telecasts aired following Super Bowl LII and Super Bowl XLIX.

From Universal Television and Broadway Video, “The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” is executive produced by Lorne Michaels and Jim Bell serves as Executive in Charge. The show is produced by Gerard Bradford and Jamie Granet-Bederman. 

“The Tonight Show” tapes before a live studio audience from Studio 6B in 30 Rockefeller Center.

THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: August 7 – 14


Wednesday, August 7: Guests include Greg Kinnear, Phoebe Waller-Bridge and musical guest Big Sean. Show 1104


Thursday, August 8: Guests include Special Guest, Lil Rel Howery, and musical guest Natalie Merchant. Show 1105

**Friday, August 9: Guests include Kevin Bacon, Queer Eye’s Fab Five and musical guest The Highwomen. OAD 7/30/19

Monday, August 12: Guests include Common, Kate Upton and musical guest Common ft. Swizz Beatz. Show 1106

**Tuesday, August 13: Guests include Henry Golding, Jonathan Groff and musical guest Rick Ross Ft. Swizz Beatz. Show 1107

**Wednesday, August 14: Guests include Ice Cube, Kieran Culkin, Alessia Cara and musical guest Juanes & Alessia Cara. Show 1108


These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: August 5 – August 12

Monday, August 5: Guests include Julianne Moore, Jacob Tremblay and Julio Torres. Show 1102

Tuesday, August 6: Guests include Dakota Johnson, Post Malone, Jon Lovitz and musical guest Tyler Childers. Show 1103

Wednesday, August 7: Guests include Greg Kinnear, Phoebe Waller-Bridge and musical guest Big Sean. Show 1104

Thursday, August 8: Guests include Special Guest, Lil Rel Howery, Lester Holt and musical guest Natalie Merchant. Show 1105

**Friday, August 9: TBD Repeat

**Monday, August 12: Guests include Common, Kate Upton and musical guest Common ft. Swizz Beatz. Show 1106.

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' July 29 - August 1


Jimmy Fallon Quotables 7.29.19
Shark Week is officially here, and if you’re excited about that, you’re either a marine biologist, or you’re really high.
Shark Week started back in 1988. It’s been around for over 30 years! Even crazier, they’ve just been airing the same ten shows and nobody’s noticed.
Every year, there are about 80 unprovoked shark attacks, or as President Trump calls that, “a weekend.”
Trump loves Shark Week. It’s the one time he can tweet “I love Great Whites” without being called a racist.
This week, there are two more Democratic debates, and tomorrow’s airs at the same time as “The Bachelorette” finale, so no matter which one you watch, you’ll see a bunch of sad guys going home in a limo.
There are rumors that Prince Harry and Meghan Markle have banned their neighbors from talking to them, apparently, neighbors aren’t even allowed to say “good morning.” Right now you’re thinking, “That’s rude,” but you’re also a liiiiiiittle jealous.
Soon, Teslas will be able to stream Netflix on the car’s center display. It’s all part of Tesla’s plan to cut down on emissions AND pedestrians.
A woman in Tennessee was staying at a Hampton Inn, and she woke up when a snake slithered across her body. Hampton Inn is defending itself -- they were like, “Well, did our wake-up call work or not?!”
Tonight on the show, we have the winner of the Fortnite World Cup Championship, Kyle ‘Bugha’ Giersdorf! He’s 16 years-old, and he just won 3 million dollars! Right now, parents everywhere are going, “Put down your homework and go play video games!”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 7.30.19
When the Fab Five saw Bernie Sanders at tonight’s debate, even they were like, “There’s nothing we can do.”
A poll said 34 percent of Democrats were “very motivated” to watch this week’s debates, but that number dropped to four percent when Democrats remembered it’s Shark Week.
While the debate was on CNN, ABC was showing the finale of “The Bachelorette.” You could tell some people were confused -- halfway through the debate, Luke P. burst on stage and proposed to Elizabeth Warren.
It just came out that Siri has actually been recording people when they have sex. Not only that, FitBits also count how many steps you take on your walk of shame.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 7.31.19
Dwayne Johnson is my guest tonight! He stars in the new film, “Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw.” Meanwhile, at tonight’s debate it was “Slow & Serious Presents: Biden & Kamala.”
Tonight was part two of the Democratic debate, featuring Joe Biden, Kamala Harris, and eight other candidates who were like, “Oh my God, I’m so close to Joe and Kamala!”
After two days and six hours, this round of debates is finally done. It was actually a nice change of pace - usually when people watch six hours of CNN, it means their flight was cancelled.
This is the last time we’ll see so many candidates on the debate stage, because going forward, it’ll be harder to qualify. Until now, getting on stage was like getting a job at Walmart -- next time, it’ll be like getting a job at Target.
There was a lot of big moments in the first debate, but probably the biggest was between Elizabeth Warren and John Delaney. After he kept arguing against her proposals, she fired back. Then Delaney turned to camera and was like, “If you’re watching at home, my name is Cory Booker.”
A Delta pilot was removed from a flight because people thought he’d been drinking. Flight attendants got suspicious becuase he couldn’t steer with two 40s duct-taped to his hands.
A new study found that kids see bearded men as strong, but unattractive. The study raises a lot of questions, like, “Why the hell are we asking kids if they find bearded men attractive?!”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 8.1.19
Tonight on NBC, we had the first NFL preseason game between the Broncos and the Falcons! If you enjoyed watching people hit each other, you probably loved last night’s debate.
A lot of people are talking about Biden’s age, because there was also an awkward moment when he confused his campaign website with a text message. Bernie Sanders was watching at home going, “Bingo! I have Bingo!”
Even though he’s been struggling, Biden is STILL the front-runner by almost 20 points. I guess Democrats want to fight fire with fire -- they’re like, “The only way to stop a guy in his 70s who can’t speak...is with a guy in his 70s who can’t speak.”
A new study found that the moon is actually 100 million years older than we thought. You can tell the moon is a lot older because it ended the night by telling supporters to visit its website, “Moon-3-oh-3-3-oh.”

THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: August 1 – August 8


Thursday, August 1: Guests include Hasan Minhaj, Vanessa Kirby and musical guest Sam Fender. Show 1101

Friday, August 2: Guests include Chance The Rapper, Special Cameo by Jennifer Lopez, David Crosby & Cameron Crowe and musical guest David Crosby. OAD 7/16/19

Monday, August 5: Guests include Julianne Moore, Jacob Tremblay and Julio Torres. Show 1102
Tuesday, August 6: Guests include Dakota Johnson, Post Malone, Jon Lovitz and musical guest Tyler Childers. Show 1103

Wednesday, August 7: Guests include Greg Kinnear, Phoebe Waller-Bridge and musical guest Big Sean. Show 1104

**Thursday, August 8: Guests include Special Guests, Lil Rel Howery, Lester Holt and musical guest Natalie Merchant. Show 1105

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: July 31 – August 7


Wednesday, July 31: Guests include Dwayne Johnson, Issa Rae and musical guest Eddy Grant. Show 1100

Thursday, August 1: Guests include Hasan Minhaj, Vanessa Kirby and musical guest Sam Fender. Show 1101

**Friday, August 2: Guests include Chance The Rapper, Special Cameo by Jennifer Lopez, David Crosby & Cameron Crowe and musical guest David Crosby. OAD 7/16/19

Monday, August 5: Guests include Julianne Moore, Jacob Tremblay and Julio Torres. Show 1102

**Tuesday, August 6: Guests include Dakota Johnson, Post Malone, Jon Lovitz and musical guest Tyler Childers. Show 1103

**Wednesday, August 7: Guests include Greg Kinnear, Phoebe Waller-Bridge and musical guest Big Sean. Show 1104

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' July 22 – July 25


Jimmy Fallon Quotables 7.22.19
The heat was brutal all around the country. For the first time in years, ice cream truck drivers sold more ice cream than weed.
It was so hot here in New York, they had to cancel the New York City Triathlon. Which means 4,000 people were just wandering the streets going, “NOW what do I brag about on Instagram? My brunch?”
Over the weekend, White House advisor Stephen Miller went on Fox News and said that Trump is not a racist. People at home were confused -- they couldn’t tell if they were watching Fox News or “Big Little Lies.”
Over the weekend, Trump asked Sweden’s Prime Minister to free rapper ASAP Rocky from jail. Then Sweden’s Prime Minister was like, “We’re the home of IKEA, we don’t do anything ASAP.”
Over the weekend, a couple at Trump’s New Jersey golf club held a “Make America Great Again”-themed wedding, and he actually crashed it. Yeah, he cut in right after hearing, “You may now kiss the bride.”
This weekend was the 50th anniversary of the moon landing! It’s crazy - only 12 people have ever set foot on the moon, and nobody’s been there since 1972. It’s basically the JC Penney of space.
Shaquille O’Neal was in the crowd for a big music festival in Belgium this weekend. It’s like a reverse “Where’s Waldo.” It’s called “There’s Waldo.”
Can you imagine being the guy standing BEHIND Shaq?
The concert abruptly ended when Shaq tried to crowd surf.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 7.23.19
Robert Mueller is about to testify in front of Congress. Or as President Trump is calling it, “Narc Week.”
Democrats are hoping Mueller goes out there and explains his written report, on camera. It’s their way of saying to Americans, “We know you didn’t read the book, so maybe you’ll watch the movie.”
Over the weekend, a man in California who was dressed as a clown led police on a 35 mile, high-speed chase. When asked what he was running from, the man said, “Myself.”
Cheez-It is teaming up with a vineyard to make a box that is half Cheez-Itz, half wine.
People in the store are like, “Gross! I’ll take a dozen boxes!”
It’s like Lunchables for adults.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 7.24.19
Today is National Tequila Day, and after six hours of Robert Mueller testifying, I think we all deserve it.
A lot of bars in Washington opened at 8am this morning for the Mueller hearings, and if you did a shot anytime Mueller said, “I can’t answer that” you were blacked out by 10am.
Three months after he released his report, Mueller went to Congress to answer some tough questions about his investigation. I don’t want to say watching it was draining, but by the end, every American looked like Robert Mueller.
Mueller was questioned by 60 lawmakers for six hours. The only other time you get grilled like that is if you’re single at your family reunion.
Mueller said the reason he couldn’t charge Trump with a crime was because he can’t indict a “sitting president.” That’s why for the last 12 hours, Trump’s been afraid to get up from the couch.
Mueller said that Trump couldn’t get indicted cuz he’s in office. But the president’s not out of the woods yet.
Trump could be charged after he’s done being president. Right now in Russia, Putin’s looking at his phone like, “Any second now...Hello, Donald! Yes, I can help.”
A lot of people are focusing on all the things Mueller didn’t say. Instead of talking, he kept telling lawmakers to go back and read his report. Then the lawmakers were like, “The whole point of us bringing you here was so we didn’t have to read the report!”
Mueller avoided a lot of questions. He’s like a Magic 8 Ball -- except no matter how you shake him, he just says, “That’s not in my purview.”
A lot of people in the media are saying that Mueller came across as old and slow. On the bright side, he’s now the favorite to win the Democratic nomination for president.
At one point, Mueller had a little trouble with the president’s name. Then Trump was like, “See! It was TRIMP who obstructed. Not Trump! Trimp! Lock him up!”
After the testimony, both sides tried to declare victory. And Trump sent out a tweet that said… “TRUTH IS A FORCE OF NATURE!” People were like, “Wow, that’s deep.” And Trump was like, “Thanks – I got it from a fortune cookie.”
If you missed Mueller’s hearing, don’t worry -- in a few weeks, William Barr will give a much shorter, inaccurate summary.
After all the hype and questioning, I don’t think anybody’s changed their mind about anything. Democrats are still thinking about impeachment. Republicans are still saying case closed. America hasn’t been this divided since the trailer for the “Cats” movie came out.
A pair of Nike shoes were just auctioned off for a record 430,000 dollars. One day the buyer will show his kids and say, “These are the reason you couldn’t go to college.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 7.25.19
I’m so excited and fired up to be here -- I’m pretty much the opposite of Robert Mueller.
Everyone’s still talking about Mueller’s testimony. Democrats were hoping it would, “Breathe life” into the effort to impeach Trump, but afterwards they were like, “Forget impeachment, someone should breathe life into Robert Mueller.”
Both Democrats and Republicans thought Mueller came off as slow and old. I’m not saying Mueller was bad, but he made Bernie Sanders look like one of the kids from “Stranger Things.”
President Trump is thrilled with how it went. He was so happy, he came THIS close to hugging Don Jr.
Trump was so happy, he formed his hair into a party hat.
He was so happy, he re-hired Jeff Sessions, and then fired him again.
He was so happy, he thought about taking a victory lap, then just made an intern do it for him.
He was so happy, he offered to fly “The Squad” back to where they came from on Air Force One.
The president watched all seven hours on TV, but today he went back to his usual schedule of watching seven hours of TV.
After the hearing, Trump said Mueller’s performance was, “One of the worst in the history of the country. Then Stormy Daniels was like, “Second worst performance.”
During Mueller’s testimony, Melania tweeted that she’s already prepping for Christmas at the White House. Not a good sign for Trump -- he’s hearing he could be indicted, and his wife’s like, “It’s gonna be the best Christmas ever!”
Soon, you’ll be able to drop off and pick up UPS packages at Advance Auto Parts. It’s pretty simple -- a UPS driver just throws your package over your fence, into an Advance Auto Parts.
Someone tried to order a cake for a two year old that said, “Happy Birthday Lizard,” but the bakery misheard them and sent them a cake that said, “Happy Birthday Loser.” Meanwhile, at the White House, Trump was like, “Why does the cake I ordered for Don Jr. say ‘lizard’?!”
In North Dakota, a college student discovered a 65 million year-old triceratops skull. Even more impressive, it only took his roommate an hour to turn it into a bong. 

THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: July 29 – August 5


Monday, July 29: Guests include Rachel Brosnahan, Carla Gugino, Fortnite World Cup Solo Champion and musical guest Ty Dolla $ign. Show 1098

Tuesday, July 30: Guests include Kevin Bacon, Queer Eye’s Fab Five and musical guest Highwomen. Show 1099

Wednesday, July 31: Guests include Dwayne Johnson, Issa Rae and musical guest Eddy Grant. Show 1100

Thursday, August 1: Guests include Hasan Minhaj, Vanessa Kirby and musical guest Sam Fender. Show 1101

**Friday, August 2: TBD Repeat 

**Monday, August 5: Guests include Julianne Moore, Jacob Tremblay and Julio Torres. Show 1102
These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: July 25 – August 1


Thursday, July 25: Guests include Science Demo: Kevin Delaney, Zachary Quinto, Betty Gilpin and Mike Vecchione. Show 1097

Friday, July 26: Guests include Chris Hemsworth, Jonas Brothers and musical guest Jonas Brothers. OAD 6/12/19

Monday, July 29: Guests include Rachel Brosnahan, Carla Gugino, Fortnite World Cup Solo Champion and musical guest Ty Dolla $ign. Show 1098

Tuesday, July 30: Guests include Kevin Bacon, Queer Eye’s Fab Five and musical guest Highwomen. Show 1099

**Wednesday, July 31: Guests include Dwayne Johnson, Issa Rae and musical guest Eddy Grant. Show 1100

**Thursday, August 1: Guests include Hasan Minhaj, Vanessa Kirby and musical guest Sam Fender. Show 1101

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: July 23 – 30


Tuesday, July 23: Guests include Octavia Spencer, Fred Armisen and musical guest YBN Cordae ft. Anderson .Paak Show 1095

Wednesday, July 24: Guests include Naomi Watts, Mike Birbiglia and musical guest Midland. Show 1096

Thursday, July 25: Guests include Science Demo: Kevin Delaney, Zachary Quinto, Betty Gilpin and Mike Vecchione. Show 1097

Friday, July 26: Guests include Chris Hemsworth, Jonas Brothers and musical guest Jonas Brothers. OAD 6/12/19

Monday, July 29: Guests include Rachel Brosnahan, Carla Gugino, Fortnite World Cup Solo Champion and musical guest Ty Dolla $ign. Show 1098

**Tuesday, July 30: Guests include Kevin Bacon, Queer Eye’s Fab Five and musical guest Highwomen. Show 1099

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: July 22 – 29


Monday, July 22: Guests include David Spade, Jeff Foxworthy and musical guest Red Hearse. Show 1094

Tuesday, July 23: Guests include Octavia Spencer, Fred Armisen and musical guest YBN Cordae ft. Anderson .Paak Show 1095

Wednesday, July 24: Guests include Naomi Watts, Mike Birbiglia and musical guest Midland. Show 1096

Thursday, July 25: Guests include Science Demo: Kevin Delaney, Zachary Quinto, Betty Gilpin and Mike Vecchione. Show 1097

Friday, July 26: Guests include Chris Hemsworth, Jonas Brothers and musical guest Jonas Brothers. OAD 6/12/19

**Monday, July 29: Guests include Rachel Brosnahan, Carla Gugino, Fortnite World Cup Solo Champion and musical guest Ty Dolla $ign. Show 1098

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' July 15 – July 18


Jimmy Fallon Quotables 7.15.19
You guys, we’ve gotta hurry, cause we could lose power at any second right now!
What a crazy weekend! Here in New York City, there was a huge blackout. For hours, New Yorkers were trapped on subways, traffic was at a standstill, and there was no air conditioning at Port Authority -- THEN the blackout hit.
But this is New York City, so New Yorkers rallied and managed to keep calm. Then everyone’s phone battery reached 5 percent and all hell broke loose.
I heard the blackout even affected some weddings. At the Plaza Hotel, the lights went off right before a couple exchanged vows. Even worse, the bride had just said, “God, if this is a mistake, please give me a sign.”
Everybody’s talking about this racist tweet the president sent yesterday. He told a group of Democratic American Congresswomen to "go back" from where they came to from. Meanwhile, Melania was like, “Hey, how come they get to leave?!”
I don't know what’s more shocking. That the president sent a racist tweet, or that we won’t be talking about this in two days. Too real.
I wanna say congrats to Novak Djokovic, who won the Wimbledon Men’s Final yesterday. It was the longest men’s final ever, lasting almost 5 hours! The players were fine, but the ball boy was carried out on a stretcher.
We are right in the middle of Amazon Prime Day! I read that one of the top selling items is the Instapot. Yeah, it’s also the most returned item once stoners realize it’s not what they thought it was.
To compete with Amazon, I saw that Best Buy is holding a big sale. You all know Best Buy – it’s where you test out electronics before going home and ordering them off Amazon.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 7.16.19
We’re in the middle of a heat wave here in New York City! Temperatures this week could reach 100 degrees! It was so hot today, when New Yorkers felt something drip on them, they didn’t even care where it came from.
It’s so hot, Ben & Jerry’s had to hire a bouncer.
It’s so hot, NBC has a new show called “Law & Order: Sweaty Victims Unit.”
It’s so hot, President Trump lashed out at the sun, and told it to go back where it came from.
Trump is still going after those four Democratic Congresswomen. In a tweet, he claimed that they’ve said some of the most “vile, hateful, and disgusting things” ever. As he read off examples, a staffer was like, “Sir, those are all quotes from you.”
Trump sent another tweet in all caps that said... “IF YOU ARE NOT HAPPY HERE, YOU CAN LEAVE!” Then he teared up, because those were also his wedding vows.
While he talked to reporters, Trump accused one of the Congresswomen of supporting Al Qaeda, people noticed that on his notes, Trump misspelled “Al Qaeda.” He made it all one word, with a C.
When Trump realized people were making fun of him, he sent out a tweet. He said... “IF YOU ARE NOT HAPPY WITH MY SPELLING, YOU CAN LEAF!”
Today is the 50th anniversary of the Apollo 11 launch, when we first went to the moon. Back then, everyone held their breath and nobody knew if we’d make it -- today, that’s called “Flying Southwest.”
Iggy Azalea’s upcoming concerts will have a “Twerk Pit,” which is like a mosh pit, but for twerking. Even crazier, she got the idea from Kenny G.
Last night was the Fantasy Suite episode of “The Bachelorette,” and we found out that Hannah slept with Peter inside a windmill. Meanwhile, a dad taking his kids mini-golfing was like, “Uhh, let’s just skip this hole!”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 7.17.19
We’re in the middle of a giant heat wave right now, with temperatures in the 90s. It’s crazy out there, I sat on a bench for two minutes -- when I got up, my pants had grill marks.
Officials are telling people that beer is not a good way to stay hydrated, and that you should drink water. When New Yorkers heard that, they were like, “Okay, Coors Light it is!”
The heat could cause another blackout here in New York. Think about that when you’re stepping into an elevator with your annoying co-worker.
Officials think there will be more blackouts at some point. They know something bad is coming, but they can’t say when -- it’s pretty much like following Trump on Twitter.
Last night, the House approved a resolution to condemn Trump’s racist tweets. It was the first time it’s happened since William Howard Taft. When he heard that, Trump was like, “Wow – what did HE tweet?!””
Today, the Mexican drug lord “El Chapo” was sentenced to life in prison, and he has to turn over 12.6 billion dollars in drug money. Then Trump was like, “SEE! I told you Mexico would pay for the wall.”
Taco Bell just came out with a new burrito that’s made with the world’s hottest pepper, the Carolina Reaper. It’s for people who walk into Taco Bell and think, “How can I make this bad decision even worse?”
The owners of a Miami restaurant called “Bacon Bitch" are suing the owners of a San Diego restaurant called “Breakfast Bitch” for stealing their idea. Experts say it could be the first case where a judge asks, “How do you bitches plead?”
A man in Belgium who just set a Guinness World Record for sitting on a toilet for 116 straight hours. He wasn’t trying to break the record, he just ate Taco Bell’s new Carolina Reaper Burrito.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 7.18.19
The whole country is still in the middle of this giant heat wave, and here in New York, the humidity is close to 100 percent! It’s so humid, tonight's crowd is just last night's crowd, still stuck to their chairs.
During a heat wave, experts say it’s important to check-in on the elderly. That’s why today, Bernie Sanders’ phone has been ringing off the hook.
You’ve gotta be careful out there. If you feel nauseous or have a headache, either you’ve got heat stroke, OR you watched last night’s Trump rally.
The president’s rally made a lot of news. After he started the week tweeting that four Congresswomen should “go back” to where they came from, his supporters turned it into a pretty awful chant.
First it was “Lock her up,” now it’s “Send her back.” At this point, it’s like a racist Bop-It.
A lot of people got upset, so today, Trump tried to distance himself from the chant. He was like, “It is wrong. That’s why I only let them do it for eight or nine minutes.”
He’s trying to distance himself from something he created -- it’s the same thing he did with Eric and Don Jr.
Netflix is losing subscribers, and they said 130,000 people have stopped watching. Yeah, it happened after one guy changed his password.
A woman who ordered a Moana cake for her daughter got a marijuana one instead. Meanwhile, at a stoner’s birthday party, they were like, “Who’s this little Hawaiian girl?”
You can book the Wienermobile on Airbnb. It’s the only hotel that shrinks when it’s cold out.
The couple had a snake, booze, a gun, and uranium! When asked where they got all that, they were like,“Walmart.”
A family in Texas just realized their vacation photos were photo-bombed by a topless woman. They knew something was up when their son ran up to his room with the family album and locked the door.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: July 19 – July 26


Friday, July 19: Guests include Chrissy Teigen, Bashir Salahuddin and Diallo Riddle and musical guest Aldous Harding. OAD 6/24/19

Monday, July 22: Guests include David Spade, Jeff Foxworthy and musical guest Red Hearse. Show 1094

Tuesday, July 23: Guests include Octavia Spencer, Fred Armisen and musical guest YBN Cordae ft. Anderson .Paak Show 1095

Wednesday, July 24: Guests include Naomi Watts, Mike Birbiglia and musical guest Midland. Show 1096

**Thursday, July 25: Guests include Science Demo: Kevin Delaney, Zachary Quinto, Betty Gilpin and Mike Vecchione. Show 1097

**Friday, July 26: Guests include Chris Hemsworth, Jonas Brothers and musical guest Jonas Brothers. OAD 6/12/19

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: July 17 – July 24


Wednesday, July 17: Guests include Joel McHale, Marc Maron, Blake Griffin and Dusty Slay. Show 1092


Thursday, July 18: Guests include Kenan Thompson, Joe Manganiello and musical guest Robyn. Show 1093

Friday, July 19: Guests include Chrissy Teigen, Bashir Salahuddin and Diallo Riddle and musical guest Aldous Harding. OAD 6/24/19

Monday, July 22: Guests include David Spade, Jeff Foxworthy and musical guest Red Hearse. Show 1094

Tuesday, July 23: Guests include Octavia Spencer, Fred Armisen and musical guest YBN Cordae ft. Anderson .Paak Show 1095

**Wednesday, July 24: Guests include Naomi Watts, Mike Birbiglia and musical guest Midland. Show 1096

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: July 16 – July 23


Tuesday, July 16: Guests include Chance The Rapper, Special Cameo by Jennifer Lopez, David Crosby & Cameron Crowe and musical guest David Crosby. Show 1091


**Wednesday, July 17: Guests include Joel McHale, Marc Maron, Blake Griffin and Dusty Slay. Show 1092

Thursday, July 18: Guests include Kenan Thompson, Joe Manganiello and musical guest Robyn. Show 1093

**Friday, July 19: Guests include Chrissy Teigen, Bashir Salahuddin and Diallo Riddle and musical guest Aldous Harding. OAD 6/24/19

**Monday, July 22: Guests include David Spade, Jeff Foxworthy and musical guest Red Hearse. Show 1094

**Tuesday, July 23: Guests include Octavia Spencer, Fred Armisen and musical guest YBN Cordae ft. Anderson .Paak Show 1095


These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: July 12 – July 19


Friday, July 12: Guests include Gabrielle Union, DJ Khaled and musical guest Vampire Weekend. OAD 5/17/19

Monday, July 15: Guests include Jesse Eisenberg, Fran Lebowitz and musical guest Denzel Curry. Show 1090

**Tuesday, July 16: Guests include Chance The Rapper, Special Cameo by Jennifer Lopez, David Crosby & Cameron Crowe and musical guest David Crosby. Show 1091

Wednesday, July 17: Guests include Joel McHale, Marc Maron and Dusty Slay. Show 1092

Thursday, July 18: Guests include Kenan Thompson, Joe Manganiello and musical guest Robyn. Show 1093

Friday, July 19: Guests include Chris Hemsworth, Jonas Brothers and musical guest Jonas Brothers. OAD 6/12/19

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: July 11 – July 19


Thursday, July 11: Guests include Madonna, Guy Raz and musical guest Ari Lennox. OAD 6/20/19

Friday, July 12: Guests include Gabrielle Union, DJ Khaled and musical guest Vampire Weekend. OAD 5/17/19

**Monday, July 15: Guests include Jesse Eisenberg, Fran Lebowitz and musical guest Denzel Curry. Show 1090

**Tuesday, July 16: Guests include Chance The Rapper, David Crosby and Cameron Crowe and musical guest David Crosby. Show 1091

**Wednesday, July 17: Guests include Joel McHale, Marc Maron and Dusty Slay. Show 1092

**Thursday, July 18: Guests include Kenan Thompson, Joe Manganiello and musical guest Robyn. Show 1093

**Friday, July 19: Guests include Chris Hemsworth, Jonas Brothers and musical guest Jonas Brothers. OAD 6/12/19

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: July 9 – July 16


Tuesday, July 9: Guests include Keegan-Michael Key, Horatio Sanz, Perry Farrell and musical guest Perry Farrell. OAD 6/17/19

Wednesday, July 10: Guests include Lin-Manuel Miranda, Willie Nelson, Adam Devine and musical guest Willie Nelson. OAD 6/18/19

Thursday, July 11: Guests include Madonna, Guy Raz and musical guest Ari Lennox. OAD 6/20/19

Friday, July 12: Guests include Gabrielle Union, DJ Khaled and musical guest Vampire Weekend. OAD 5/17/19

**Monday, July 15: Guests include Joel McHale, Fran Lebowitz and musical guest Denzel Curry. Show 1090

**Tuesday, July 16: Guests include Chance The Rapper, David Crosby and Cameron Crowe. Show 1091

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' June 24 – June 27


Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.24.19
Last night, the brother-sister team the Flying Wallendas walked across a tight rope 25-stories above Times Square. Even more impressive -- they were stuck behind a slow-walking group of tourists.
Things got really tense. At one point, they almost fell when their buzzer from Bubba Gump Shrimp started vibrating.
The very first Democratic debates are this week down in Miami. Most of the candidates are busy with debate prep, while Bernie Sanders spent the day on the beach with a metal detector.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.25.19
Guys, it is summer, and here in New York City, it’s actually supposed to be in the high 80s, low 90s and humid all week! For the five-day forecast on the local news, instead of showing the sun, they just use five middle finger emojis.
We’re just one day away from the very first Democratic presidential debate -- and it’s right here on NBC. I love that it’s on NBC, cuz we do things a little differently. Anytime the moderators like what they hear, they press a button and their chair spins around.
You know the debate’s on NBC, cuz it’s set now in Chicago.
Tomorrow is the first of two debates, and we get to see 10 candidates. I read that the better you’re doing in the polls, the closer to center stage you get to stand. So Elizabeth Warren and Beto O’Rourke will be in the middle, while Bill de Blasio will be watching from home in his living room.
Tomorrow the big names are Elizabeth Warren and Beto O’Rourke. If things go well for Warren, she might catch Biden in the polls, and if things go well for Beto, ABC might make him “The Bachelor.”
Today we found out that the replacement for Sarah Huckabee Sanders will be a woman named Stephanie Grisham. There was a lovely ceremony today when Sarah handed Stephanie the keys to the liquor cabinet.
Things are getting ugly between the US and Iran. I guess after Iran insulted him today, Trump tweeted, “Iran’s very ignorant and insulting statement, put out today, only shows that they do not understand reality…” Trump was like, “No one understands reality better than your reality star president.
He then went on to tweet, “Any attack by Iran on anything American will be met with great and overwhelming force. In some areas, overwhelming will mean obliteration.” Then Iran was like, “Okay -- who gave Trump a thesaurus?”
A new study found that drinking coffee can help burn fat. America was like, “Great! I’ll have TWO mocha frappuccinos with whipped cream and sprinkles.” 

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.26.19
The debate was right here on NBC, and there was a lot of excitement in the building. It felt just like the Super Bowl -- you know, if 20 teams played the game over two nights and the winner wasn’t decided for another year.
We’re live and we just watched the first Democratic debate down in Miami! If you missed it, here’s what happened...There were 10 Democrats on stage, and to qualify, all a candidate needed was to poll at 1-percent or higher. That’s it?! I mean, even O.J. is at two percent.
Beto and Booker both spoke Spanish. But it's not that crazy because Miami has a large Spanish speaking community. I just hope that the next debate is in Boston so I can hear them say, "We need free college for anyone who is wicked smaht!"
As expected Elizabeth Warren and Cory Booker did well tonight, but I actually thought Bill de Blasio did a pretty good job too. Then New Yorkers were like, “Where the hell has this friggin’ guy been?!”
Trump tweeted and called the debate “boring,” but he still watched, even though he called it a, quote, "very unexciting group of people," as opposed to the rock stars he usually hangs with like Mike Pence and Steve Mnuchin.
I think I know why Trump’s upset. He’s probably jealous of the Democrats if you think about it. They got to be on TV, they got to talk about themselves, and they got to be in Florida. 

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.27.19
We are coming to you live from New York City, and Nicki Minaj is my guest tonight! Nicki’s gonna be on live -- which means right now, the NBC censor is breathing into a paper bag.
Tonight was the second Democratic debate -- or as nine candidates called it, “Operation: Destroy Joe Biden.”
There was a 40-year age difference between tonight’s candidates, ranging from 37 to 77. With Pete Buttigieg next to Biden it looked like “Take Your Kid To Work” Day.
Speaking of Buttigieg, he said Democrats need to move the party forward, and claimed his opponents want to “return to the 1990s.” Hey Pete – the top movies right now are “Toy Story,” “Men In Black,” and “Aladdin” -- we’re already back in the 90s.
In addition to the frontrunners, we also got to know some of the underdogs, and early on, a lot of people noticed that one of them, Andrew Yang, wasn’t wearing a tie. When he realized you could go casual, Biden tried to take off his pants.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: June 28 – July 12

Friday, June 28: Guests include Selena Gomez, Elaine Welteroth and musical guest Goldlink Ft. Maleek Berry. OAD 6/11/19

Monday, July 1: Guests include Ryan Reynolds, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley and musical guest Protoje. OAD 5/2/19

Tuesday, July 2: Guests include Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Joel Kinnaman and a performance by the Broadway cast of Ain’t Too Proud. OAD 3/21/19

Wednesday, July 3: Guests include Amy Poehler, Ryan Eggold and musical guest Vampire Weekend. OAD 5/7/19

**Thursday, July 4: Guests include Millie Bobby Brown, Finn Wolfhard, Gaten Matarazzo, Caleb McLaughlin, Noah Schnapp, and Sadie Sink, Ramy Youssef, and Ivan Orkin. OAD 6/14/19

**Friday, July 5: Guests include Sting, KJ Apa and musical guest Sting. OAD 4/26/19

**Monday, July 8: Guests include Kate Beckinsale, Ralph Macchio, and Rudy Francisco. OAD 4/17/19

**Tuesday, July 9: Guests include Keegan-Michael Key, Horatio Sanz, Perry Farrell and musical guest Perry Farrell. OAD 6/17/19

**Wednesday, July 10: Guests include Lin-Manuel Miranda, Willie Nelson, Adam Devine and musical guest Willie Nelson. OAD 6/18/19

**Thursday, July 11: Guests include Madonna, Guy Raz and musical guest Ari Lennox. OAD 6/20/19

**Friday, July 12: Guests include Gabrielle Union, DJ Khaled and musical guest Vampire Weekend. OAD 5/17/19

These listings are subject to change.
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'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: June 28 – July 12

Friday, June 28: Guests include Selena Gomez, Elaine Welteroth and musical guest Goldlink Ft. Maleek Berry. OAD 6/11/19

Monday, July 1: Guests include Ryan Reynolds, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley and musical guest Protoje. OAD 5/2/19

Tuesday, July 2: Guests include Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Joel Kinnaman and a performance by the Broadway cast of Ain’t Too Proud. OAD 3/21/19

Wednesday, July 3: Guests include Amy Poehler, Ryan Eggold and musical guest Vampire Weekend. OAD 5/7/19

**Thursday, July 4: Guests include Millie Bobby Brown, Finn Wolfhard, Gaten Matarazzo, Caleb McLaughlin, Noah Schnapp, and Sadie Sink, Ramy Youssef, and Ivan Orkin. OAD 6/14/19

**Friday, July 5: Guests include Sting, KJ Apa and musical guest Sting. OAD 4/26/19

**Monday, July 8: Guests include Kate Beckinsale, Ralph Macchio, and Rudy Francisco. OAD 4/17/19

**Tuesday, July 9: Guests include Keegan-Michael Key, Horatio Sanz, Perry Farrell and musical guest Perry Farrell. OAD 6/17/19

**Wednesday, July 10: Guests include Lin-Manuel Miranda, Willie Nelson, Adam Devine and musical guest Willie Nelson. OAD 6/18/19

**Thursday, July 11: Guests include Madonna, Guy Raz and musical guest Ari Lennox. OAD 6/20/19

**Friday, July 12: Guests include Gabrielle Union, DJ Khaled and musical guest Vampire Weekend. OAD 5/17/19

These listings are subject to change.
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'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: June 26 – July 3

Wednesday, June 26: LIVE: Guests include Daisy Ridley, Colin Quinn, musical guest Little Big Town. Show 1088

Thursday, June 27: LIVE: Guests include Nicki Minaj, Phoebe Robinson and musical guest Julia Michaels. Show 1089

Friday, June 28: Guests include Selena Gomez, Elaine Welteroth and musical guest Goldlink Ft. Maleek Berry. OAD 6/11/19

**Monday, July 1: Guests include Ryan Reynolds, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley and musical guest Protoje. OAD 5/2/19

**Tuesday, July 2: Guests include Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Joel Kinnaman and a performance by the Broadway cast of Ain’t Too Proud. OAD 3/21/19

**Wednesday, July 3: Guests include Amy Poehler, Ryan Eggold and musical guest Vampire Weekend. OAD 5/7/19

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: June 24 – 28

Monday, June 24: Guests include Chrissy Teigen, Bashir Salahuddin and Diallo Riddle and musical guest Aldous Harding. Show 1086

Tuesday, June 25: Guests include Trevor Noah, Sebastian Maniscalco and Penn & Teller. Show 1087

Wednesday, June 26: Guests include Daisy Ridley, Colin Quinn, musical guest Little Big Town. Show 1088

Thursday, June 27: Guests include Nicki Minaj, Phoebe Robinson and musical guest Julia Michaels. Show 1089

**Friday, June 28: Guests include Selena Gomez, Elaine Welteroth and musical guest Goldlink Ft. Maleek Berry. OAD 6/11/19

These listings are subject to change.
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QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' June 17 – June 20

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.17.19
I hope everyone had a great Father’s Day! Like a lot of people, I spent the day on FaceTime, looking up my dad’s nose.
O.J. Simpson joined Twitter. If you thought Trump on Twitter was scary – wait until you get a notification that says, “O.J. Simpson is now following you.”
O.J. made a Twitter account, and he’s already got over 600 thousand followers. That’s more followers than when he was driving the White Bronco.
Even crazier -- O.J. just got a message from Trump asking if he’d be the White House Press Secretary.
The big news about the president right now is his interview with George Stephanopoulos. Last night, ABC aired a special called “President Trump: 30 Hours,” about the two days they spent together. I mean, 30 hours! They were together at the White House, then they took a trip on Air Force One, then they rode in Trump’s limo. It was like an “overnight date” on the Bachelorette.
Later this year, Domino’s is gonna start testing self-driving delivery cars. Yeah, self-driving delivery cars. If your pizza doesn’t crash into your house in less than 30 minutes, it’s free.
Pillsbury is recalling bags of flour due to an outbreak of E-Coli. So if you poke the Doughboy’s stomach, trust me, it’s not gonna be laughter that comes out.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.18.19
Trump launched his 2020 campaign with a huge rally. It was going well, until Trump started kicking out every person who coughed. “Get out! You in the balcony, get out!”
Trump drew a big crowd. He said thousands of supporters were lined up outside the arena two days before the rally. It’s kind of a strange thing to brag about. On one hand, thousands of people waited two days to see you, but on the other hand, none of them have jobs.
Facebook is coming out with its own cryptocurrency called “Libra.” Yeah, the company that can’t even keep your data safe now wants to keep your money. It’s like someone dropping a carton of eggs, then asking if they can hold your baby.
A United flight from Italy to Newark was infested with ants, after a bunch of them spilled out of a passenger’s carry-on. The other passengers were like, “We had to throw out our shampoo, but that guy got to bring ants??”
Actually, it explains the new slogan for Spirit Airlines “Spirit: Somehow We’re Not The Ones Infested With Ants.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.19.19
We are just two days away from the official start of summer! Which means kids are forced to take those summer jobs nobody else wants -- pool cleaner, delivery boy, White House Press Secretary.
Last night was the president’s first official 2020 campaign rally and festival – or as his supporters were calling it, “Wall-a-palooza.”
Trump filled up an arena in Orlando and gave a big speech. He spent most of the time bashing immigrants, journalists and Hillary Clinton. Meanwhile, everyone watching at home was like, “Is this a summer rerun? I’ve seen this before.”
The White House says Trump is gonna keep using the slogan “Make America Great Again,” and wearing his usual red hat. It’s like when your kid only wants to wear that one superhero outfit to school, and you’re like, “Whatever gets you on the bus.”
Trump is doing his first interview with Telemundo, and it’ll air tomorrow night. It’ll be a little different. For example, ABC’s interview was called “President Trump: 30 Hours,” and this one’s called, “El Presidente Loco.”
Trump is sitting down with Telemundo. It’ll be awkward when the reporter says, “Buenas dias,” and Trump’s like, “Oh, are you related to Cameron Diaz?”
A lot of people are surprised that Trump would get together with a Spanish-speaking channel, but the president was like, “If Katy Perry and Taylor Swift can make up, so can we.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.20.19
Tomorrow is the official start of summer! I’m very excited -- but my legs are still so pale. They’re so white, I’ve nicknamed them “Utah” and “NPR.”
My legs are so white they could have their own show on Fox News.
The big story now is Iran. Apparently this morning, Iran shot down a U.S. drone. When they told the president, he was like, “Oh my God, they got Mike Pence?!” They go, “No no, that drone is fine!”
Iran shot down an unmanned drone, they said they wanted to send America a “clear message,” but Trump was like, “Everyone knows if you wanna send the U.S. a message, you do it on Twitter. Everyone knows that!”
An Iranian General named Hossein Salami says they’re ready for war. Trump’s already got troops in Turkey ready for action, but Putin’s warning the White House against a conflict. So if you’re keeping track: we’ve got Salami and turkey on white, hold the Russian.
Reporters asked Trump if the U.S. is gonna strike back at Iran, and Trump said, “You’ll soon find out.” That’s reassuring – the president is treating war with Iran like a cliffhanger on “The Bachelorette.”

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: June 20 – June 27

Thursday, June 20: Guests include Madonna, Guy Raz and musical guest Ari Lennox. Show 1085

Friday, June 21: Guests include Tina Fey, Robert Irwin & Animals and musical guest Florida Georgia Line. OAD 2/25/2019

**Monday, June 24: Guests include Chrissy Teigen, Bashir Salahuddin and Diallo Riddle and musical guest Aldous Harding. Show 1086

**Tuesday, June 25: Guests include Trevor Noah, Sebastian Maniscalco and Penn & Teller. Show 1087

**Wednesday, June 26: Guests include Daisy Ridley, Colin Quinn, musical guest Little Big Town. Show 1088

**Thursday, June 27: Guests include Nicki Minaj, Phoebe Robinson and musical guest Julia Michaels. Show 1089

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: June 18 – June 25

Tuesday, June 18: Guests include Willie Nelson, Adam Devine and musical guest Willie Nelson. Show 1083

Wednesday, June 19: Guests include Michael Strahan, Nikki & Brie Bella and musical guest Sleater-Kinney. Show 1084

**Thursday, June 20: Guests include Madonna, Guy Raz and musical guest Ari Lennox. Show 1085

**Friday, June 21: Guests include Tina Fey, Robert Irwin & Animals and musical guest Florida Georgia Line. OAD 2/25/2019

**Monday, June 24: Guests include Chrissy Teigen and musical guest Aldous Harding. Show 1086

**Tuesday, June 25: Guests include Trevor Noah, Bashir Salahuddin and Diallo Riddle and Penn & Teller. Show 1087

These listings are subject to change.
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QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' June 10 – June 14

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.10.19
President Trump is back in Washington after his trip to the UK, and like every American who goes abroad, now he’s speaking with a fake British accent. “Cheerio. Bring me some Honey Nut Cheerios!”
The race for 2020 is in full swing, and at an event in Iowa yesterday, 19 different Democrats gave speeches, one after the other, and it took over three hours. People in Iowa were like, “We’ve never been this bored -- and we live in Iowa.”
Pretty much every candidate was in Iowa, and they were doing everything they could for attention. Pete Buttigeig played keyboard, Beto O’Rourke ran a 5K, while Bernie Sanders wandered into a corn maze and has been missing ever since. “Get off me, I’m not a scarecrow!!”
I saw that Chris Pratt just got married to Katherine Schwarzenegger. It was beautiful a wedding – my favorite part was when Arnold told all the guests, “Get to the chapel!”
He paid for the wedding, do you know what he said? He said, “I’ll be broke.”
He walked his daughter down the aisle and then he said, “Hasta la vista, baby.”
Krispy Kreme said they’re gonna build a giant location in Times Square with a “glaze waterfall.” So if you see a sticky puddle next to Times Square Elmo...most likely it’s glaze from Krispy Kreme Times Square waterfall.
A Spirit Airlines passenger has been banned for life after a flight attendant caught him vaping on the plane. When he found out, the guy was like, “Oh no, now I’ll never be able to fly... Spirit Airlines.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.11.19
The race for 2020 is heating up, and I saw that today, President Trump campaigned in Iowa. Yeah, Trump looked over the cornfields and said, “Wow, I can’t believe that one day, all these plants will become corndogs.”
While Trump was in Iowa, Joe Biden was also there at same time. It’s very interesting--usually when two guys over 70 go on the same trip, it’s a movie starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman.
Walmart just announced that their employees are getting new vests. Yeah, here’s what happened – Walmart asked employees, “What does everyone want?” And they all said, “A livable wage!” Then they’re like, “Okay! Vests it is! New vests it is, everyone gets a new vest!”
I read that Mike Tyson wants to build a “marijuana resort” with a music stage and a lazy river, where you can smoke weed anywhere in the park. Or as that’s also known: Six Flags.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.12.19
Chris Hemsworth is here! The Jonas Brothers are here! I love Chris Hemsworth! When I talk to him, it’s like I’m looking in a mirror.
Everybody’s excited about the World Cup and the U.S. women’s national soccer team. That game was amazing, they beat Thailand 13-nothing! People in Thailand were like, “How could you do this after we made your uniforms!”
You’ve gotta feel for Thailand, that’s a tough way to start the tournament. It’s the worst thing to happen to a Thai soccer team that didn’t involve getting trapped in a cave.
Trump said that he’s sending more troops to Poland, and get this. The Polish president actually said they should call the U.S. base “Fort Trump,” but Trump said no, cuz that’s the name of the blankets stretched between two couches in the Oval Office.
Trump’s also been talking with France lately. French President Emmanuel Macron sent him a new “friendship tree” after the one they planted together died. For this tree, Macron also sent a note that said... “Don’t water it with Diet Coke.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.13.19
I wanna say congrats to the St. Louis Blues, who won the Stanley Cup last night! Last night, everybody in St. Louis went nuts -- they got drunk, and flipped over the Arch, it was unbelievable!
The Blues beat the Boston Bruins in Game 7! It was tough for people in Boston -- they were like, “We might not win another championship for three to four months!”
The big story today is this new interview President Trump did with George Stephanopoulos. The president let him spend two full days with him at the White House, and after two days, Trump STILL couldn’t say Stephanopoulos. “Snuffleupagus? George Snuffleupagus.”
Trump said you don’t have to tell the FBI if a foreign government contacts you. He said it’s just good manners -- a gentleman doesn’t collude and tell.
A lot of people are concerned that Trump just gave Russia a “green light” to interfere in 2020. In response, Putin was like, “Please, like I need his permission.”
This morning, Trump sent a tweet about Prince Charles, but when he wrote the official title -- Prince of Wales -- Trump spelled “Wales” wrong. He added an H, so he wrote…“Prince of Whales.”
Trump was like, “Prince Charles is in charge of all the whales. He’s basically a British Aquaman.”
Trump apologized for the mistake by tweeting...“Sorry, Prince of Wales! Sincerely, Prince of Walls.”
The White House announced that Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders will be leaving her job at the end of the month. In a statement, Sanders said… nothing, as usual.
When reporters asked the President who his new Press Secretary would be, he was like, “Twitter.”
A new study found that several types of cereal, including Peanut Butter Cheerios, actually contain chemicals from weed killer. It’s interesting – cuz usually you only eat Peanut Butter Cheerios after some killer weed.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 6.14.19
This Sunday is Father’s Day! Is everyone excited? I love Father’s Day. It’s that special day each year where you call up dad, get a few one-word answers, then go, “Well, good talking to you! All right, bye.”
But you’ve gotta call your dad on Father’s Day -- mainly because he has no idea how to text.
I read that Americans spend 40 percent less on Father’s Day than they do on Mother’s Day. I can’t believe it’s that close. On Mother’s Day, you do flowers, brunch, and jewelry. For Father’s Day it’s an air freshener from 7-Eleven.
I heard that one the most popular gifts for dads is a home DNA testing kit. So be sure to pick one up if you want a great Father’s Day, or a really awkward one.
A lot of people are shopping for that perfect Father’s Day card, and while there are lots of good choices, there are also some very unpopular cards out there. I’ll show you what I mean.
For instance, this card says..."I Don’t Know How You Do It...” Open it up and it says..."But You’re Single-Handedly Keeping ‘New Balance’ In Business.”
This card says..."We Can Always Count On You...” Open it up and it says..."To Ask How We Want Our Burgers, And Then Cook Them All Well Done.”
This card says..."You Always Put Your Best Foot Forward...” Open it up and it says..."And It’s Always Wearing Socks With Sandals.”
Not only is it Father’s Day this weekend, it’s also the U.S. Open out at Pebble Beach. Yeah, dad can spend all weekend playing golf AND watching golf – so basically, for one day, every dad will feel what it’s like to be president.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: June 14 – June 20

Friday, June 14: Guests include Millie Bobby Brown, Finn Wolfhard, Gaten Matarazzo, Caleb McLaughlin, Noah Schnapp, and Sadie Sink, Ramy Youssef, and Ivan Orkin. Show 1081

Monday, June 17: Guests include Keegan-Michael Key, Horatio Sanz, Perry Farrell and musical guest Perry Farrell. Show 1082

Tuesday, June 18: Guests include Willie Nelson, Adam Devine and musical guest Willie Nelson. Show 1083

Wednesday, June 19: Guests include Michael Strahan, Nikki & Brie Bella and musical guest Sleater-Kinney. Show 1084

**Thursday, June 20: Guests include Madonna and musical guest Ari Lennox. Show 1085
These listings are subject to change.
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'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: June 12 – June 19

Wednesday, June 12: Guests include Chris Hemsworth, Jonas Brothers and musical guest Jonas Brothers. Show 1079

Thursday, June 13: Guests include Sienna Miller, Josh Charles, Ryan Tedder and musical guest One Republic . Show 1080

Friday, June 14: Guests include Millie Bobby Brown, Finn Wolfhard, Gaten Matarazzo, Caleb McLaughlin, Noah Schnapp, and Sadie Sink, Ramy Youssef, and Ivan Orkin. Show 1081

Monday, June 17: Guests include Keegan-Michael Key, Horatio Sanz, Perry Farrell and musical guest Perry Farrell. Show 1082

Tuesday, June 18: Guests include Willie Nelson, Adam Devine and musical guest Willie Nelson. Show 1083

**Wednesday, June 19: Guests include Michael Strahan, Nikki & Brie Bella and musical guest Sleater-Kinney. Show 1084

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: June 7 – June 14

Friday, June 7: Guests include Dana Carvey, Emily Ratajkowski and guest Chloe Hilliard. OAD 5/24/19

Monday, June 10: Guests include Shailene Woodley, Brian Tyree Henry and musical guest The National. Show 1077

Tuesday, June 11: Guests include Selena Gomez, Elaine Welteroth and musical guest Goldlink Ft. Maleek Berry. Show 1078

Wednesday, June 12: Guests include Chris Hemsworth, Jonas Brothers and musical guest Jonas Brothers. Show 1079

**Thursday, June 13: Guests include Sienna Miller, Josh Charles, Ryan Tedder and musical guest One Republic . Show 1080

**Friday, June 14: Guests include Millie Bobby Brown, Finn Wolfhard, Gaten Matarazzo, Caleb McLaughlin, Noah Schnapp, and Sadie Sink, Ramy Youssef, and Ivan Orkin. Show 1081

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: June 5 – June 12

Wednesday, June 5: Guests include Kevin Hart, Beanie Feldstein and musical guest Mabel. OAD 5/21/19

Thursday, June 6: Guests include Alexander Skarsgård, Sebastian Stan and musical guest Fontaines D.C. OAD 5/1/19

Friday, June 7: Guests include Dana Carvey, Emily Ratajkowski and guest Chloe Hilliard. OAD 5/24/19

Monday, June 10: Guests include Shailene Woodley, Brian Tyree Henry and musical guest The National. Show 1077

**Tuesday, June 11: Guests include Selena Gomez, Elaine Welteroth and musical guest Goldlink Ft. Maleek Berry. Show 1078

**Wednesday, June 12: Guests include Chris Hemsworth, Jonas Brothers and musical guest Jonas Brothers. Show 1079

These listings are subject to change.
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'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: June 3 – June 10

Friday, May 31: Guests include Emma Thompson, Sophie Turner, Paula Pell and Amirah Kassem. OAD 5/10/19

Monday, June 3: Guests include Harrison Ford, Richard Madden and musical guest Bazzi. OAD 5/23/19

Tuesday, June 4: From Puerto Rico guests include Lin-Manuel Miranda & a performance from the cast of “Hamilton,” José Andrés, musical guests Bad Bunny, José Feliciano and Ozuna. OAD 1/15/19

Wednesday, June 5: Guests include Kevin Hart, Beanie Feldstein and musical guest Mabel. OAD 5/21/19

**Thursday, June 6: Guests include Alexander Skarsgård, Sebastian Stan and musical guest Fontaines D.C. OAD 5/1/19

**Friday, June 7: Guests include Dana Carvey, Emily Ratajkowski and guest Chloe Hilliard. OAD 5/24/19

**Monday, June 10: Guests include Shailene Woodley, Brian Tyree Henry and musical guest The National. Show 1077

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: May 29 – June 5

Wednesday, May 29: Guests include Brie Larson, Wyatt Cenac and musical guest Wu-Tang Clan. OAD 4/24/19

Thursday, May 30: Guests include Will Smith, Laurie Metcalf and Phil Hanley. OAD 5/6/19

Friday, May 31: Guests include Emma Thompson, Sophie Turner, Paula Pell and Amirah Kassem. OAD 5/10/19

**Monday, June 3: Guests include Harrison Ford, Richard Madden and musical guest Bazzi. OAD 5/23/19

**Tuesday, June 4: From Puerto Rico guests include Lin-Manuel Miranda & a performance from the cast of “Hamilton,” José Andrés, musical guests Bad Bunny, José Feliciano and Ozuna. OAD 1/15/19

**Wednesday, June 5: Guests include Kevin Hart, Beanie Feldstein and musical guest Mabel. OAD 5/21/19

These listings are subject to change.
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'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: May 23 - May 31

Thursday, May 23: Guests include Harrison Ford, Richard Madden and musical guest Bazzi. Show 1075

Friday, May 24: Guests include Dana Carvey, Emily Ratajkowski and guest Chloe Hilliard. Show 1076

Monday, May 27: Guests include Paul Rudd, Diane Guerrero and Leonard Ouzts. OAD 4/25/19

Tuesday, May 28: Guests include Howard Stern and musical guest Of Monsters and Men. OAD 5/15/19

Wednesday, May 29: Guests include Brie Larson, Wyatt Cenac and musical guest Wu-Tang Clan. OAD 4/24/19

**Thursday, May 30: Guests include Will Smith, Laurie Metcalf and Phil Hanley. OAD 5/6/19

**Friday, May 31: Guests include Emma Thompson, Sophie Turner, Paula Pell and Amirah Kassem. OAD 5/10/19

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: May 22 – May 29

Wednesday, May 22: Guests include Millie Bobby Brown, Jeff Ross, Richard Curtis and musical guest Lang Lang. Show 1074

Thursday, May 23: Guests include Harrison Ford, Richard Madden and musical guest Bazzi. Show 1075

Friday, May 24: Guests include Dana Carvey, Emily Ratajkowski and guest Chloe Hilliard. Show 1076

**Monday, May 27: Guests include Paul Rudd, Diane Guerrero and Leonard Ouzts. OAD 4/25/19

**Tuesday, May 28: Guests include Howard Stern and musical guest Of Monsters and Men. OAD 5/15/19

**Wednesday, May 29: Guests include Brie Larson, Wyatt Cenac and musical guest Wu-Tang Clan. OAD 4/24/19

These listings are subject to change.
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QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' May 13 – May 17

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.13.19
From “This Is Us,” Milo Ventimiglia is my guest tonight! And 2020 presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg is here! Right now, they're both backstage trying to pronounce each other's names.
Everybody’s talking about last night’s all-new episode of “Game of Thrones!” Now I won’t give away any spoilers -- but I will say they killed off the Starbucks cup.
“Game of Thrones” might be winding down, but “The Bachelorette” is just getting started! The season premiere was tonight, and you can tell they’re trying to copy the success of “Game of Thrones,” cuz one of the contestants is her brother.
President Trump is in a trade war with China, and I saw that Chinese officials said that, “No one should expect China to swallow bitter fruit.” Then Trump fired back, “I believe the word is ‘vegetable.’”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.14.19
It’s supposed to be Spring, but today it actually snowed in some parts of the country. People were like, “Where’s Daenerys and her dragon when you NEED them?!”
The president’s trade war isn’t letting up. After he decided to tax things we get from China, they decided to tax things they get from us -- and experts are calling it “tit for tat.” Then Trump was like, “Let’s trade all our tat for tit.”
I read that China already raised tariffs on wine, hair gel, swimsuits, and condoms, and that might not affect you, but it’s gonna cripple the Bachelor mansion.
I saw that the CEO of Bed Bath & Beyond is stepping down. He was supposed to leave Bed Bath & Beyond last month, but he kept seeing things he needed.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.15.19
Howard Stern is my guest tonight! The guy is a legend! He’s known for saying obviously outrageous, shocking, and sometimes even offensive things. With that kind of resumé - he shouldn’t be writing a book – he should be running for president! That’s right, he’s got a new book out, and it’s already a best seller! You can tell the book’s huge cuz for the first time in years, someone actually walked into a Barnes & Noble.
It’s pretty cool. This is the first book Howard’s written in 24 years. One book in 24 years! When he heard that, George R.R. Martin was like, “Wow, this guy is fast!”
Tonight we also have music from “Of Monsters and Men!” Not only is "Of Monsters and Men" a great name for a band, but it’s also how most women describe the Alabama Senate.
Today is May 15th. It’s the day everyone in Alabama set their clocks back 50 years.
Last night, Donald Trump Jr. agreed to testify before a Senate Committee, but only for a maximum of four hours. Apparently that’s as long as Don Jr. can leave Eric outside in the car.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.16.19
After 12 years, today was the final episode of “The Big Bang Theory.” But don’t worry, it was also the beginning of a brand new comedy -- Bill de Blasio’s presidential campaign.
New York Mayor Bill de Blasio joined the race, and a lot of people were surprised cuz his poll numbers are pretty bad. Right now, just 21 percent of New Yorkers support him running. To put that in perspective, 22 percent of New Yorkers support a wet seat on the subway.
I heard that right after he made his announcement, de Blasio left to go campaign in Iowa. Then when he got stuck at LaGuardia for six hours, he was like, “Friggin’ de Blasio!”
Today, President Trump revealed his new immigration plan. Not for the border -- he’s trying to stop every woman from leaving Alabama.
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle might be raising their new baby to be a vegan. So what a day that’ll be – finding out you’re a prince, but then finding out you’re vegan.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.17.19
Let’s talk about this new law in Alabama. After they passed a bill restricting women’s reproductive rights, I saw that Missouri passed something similar. The lawmakers are proud of themselves now, but that’ll change when they look around like, “Hey, where’d all the women go?”
Even televangelist Pat Robertson said the Alabama law goes “too far.” Pat Robertson! That’s like Snoop Dogg telling Seth Rogen, “Bro, ease up on the weed.”
This week in New Hampshire, Joe Biden went to a house party where he told a group of supporters that he wants to decriminalize marijuana, and then a group of people out on the back deck were like, “Way ahead of you, buddy!”
I heard about a conservative radio station in Connecticut that’s renaming itself “Trump 103.3,” which is fitting, cuz that’s also what Trump tells people his approval rating is.
One of the big movies out this weekend is “A Dog’s Journey,” and I heard it’s been making everyone cry. Though it’s weird when you see someone crying and you’re like, “A Dog’s Journey?” and they’re like, “No, ‘Detective Pikachu.’”
“A Dog’s Journey” is in theaters, and so is “John Wick: Chapter 3.” But if you saw the first John Wick, you know “A Dog’s Journey” does not end well.
A couple at a restaurant in the UK ordered some regular wine, but their server accidentally gave them a 6,000 dollar bottle, and then the waiter was like, “Can I close out your check now, cuz I’m about to be fired.”

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: May 17 – May 24

**Friday, May 17: Guests include Gabrielle Union, DJ Khaled and musical guest Vampire Weekend. Show 1071

Monday, May 20: Guests include John Lithgow, J Balvin and musical guest Sean Paul & J Balvin. Show 1072

Tuesday, May 21: Guests include Kevin Hart, Beanie Feldstein and musical guest Mabel. Show 1073

**Wednesday, May 22: Guests include Millie Bobby Brown, Jeff Ross, Richard Curtis and musical guest Lang Lang. Show 1074

**Thursday, May 23: Guests include Harrison Ford, Richard Madden and musical guest Bazzi. Show 1075

** Friday, May 24: Guests include Dana Carvey, Emily Ratajkowski and guest Chloe Hilliard. Show 1076

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: May 14 – May 21

Tuesday, May 14: Guests include Jeff Daniels, Maluma and musical guest Maluma. Show 1068

Wednesday, May 15: Guests include Howard Stern and musical guest Of Monsters and Men. Show 1069

Thursday, May 16: Guests include Jessica Alba, Yara Shahidi and musical guest The Head and The Heart. Show 1070

Friday, May 17: Guests include Gabrielle Union and DJ Khaled. Show 1071

**Monday, May 20: Guests include John Lithgow, J Balvin and musical guest Sean Paul & J Balvin. Show 1072

**Tuesday, May 21: Guests include Kevin Hart, Beanie Feldstein and musical guest Mabel. Show 1073

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' May 6 – May 10

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.6.19
Will Smith is our guest tonight! So between him and the new Royal Baby that makes TWO Fresh Princes.
I wanna say congrats to Meghan Markle and Prince Harry -- today, they welcomed a baby boy! The minute he was born, he looked at his parents, and said, “Ed Sheeran and the lady from Suits?!”
I read that the new baby is seventh in line for the throne. So the only way he’ll be king is if the Kentucky Derby judges disqualify everyone else.
Everyone’s still talking about the Kentucky Derby. It was crazy! The winner -- Maximum Security -- was disqualified after he made a wide turn and wandered into another horse’s lane. Afterward, the horse was like, “Yeah I had couple mint juleps before the race. So what?!” ”You think you’re better than me?”
On Friday, Trump called Vladimir Putin, and they spoke for over an hour. Yeah, it was an hour of Trump rambling, and an hour of Putin trying different lines to end the conversation. “Okay, then...Yes, well, I should get going...Wow, look at time...”
Today, the president’s former lawyer, Michael Cohen, reported to prison. And I heard he’s in the same prison as The Situation from “Jersey Shore” and the guy who started the Fyre Festival. I don’t know about you guys, but I’d totally watch that reality show.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.7.19
It is Teacher Appreciation Day and our entire audience is filled with New York City school teachers! But before we get started -- If I see any of you playing Fortnite, I’m taking your phone.
For teachers, there are only three things better than Teacher Appreciation Day and they are: June, July, and August.
Amy Poehler is here! She stars in the new movie “Wine Country,” or as my audience calls that, “The teacher’s lounge.”
Today, a lot of businesses had deals to celebrate teachers, like “Buy One, Get One Free” burritos at Chipotle. Cuz nothing says “Thank you for shaping the future of this country” like a free burrito. Teachers could get a free burrito at Chipotle, a free sandwich at Arby’s, and a free meal at Applebee’s. Yeah, Chipotle, Arby’s, and Applebee’s -- even the lunch ladies were like, “I wouldn’t put any of that in my body.”
Today, a lot of politicians went on social media to thank their favorite teachers. Yeah, Elizabeth Warren thanked her 2nd grade teacher, Mrs. Lee. While President Trump thanked his favorite teacher, Mr. Feeny from “Boy Meets World.”
All day, teachers were like, “It would be cool if my famous students mentioned me.” While all of Betsy DeVos’s teachers were like, “Oh God, I hope she doesn’t mention me!”
A new poll just came out that shows Joe Biden has a giant, 32-point lead over Bernie Sanders. Then a horse in Kentucky was like, “Enjoy the lead while you can.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.8.19
Big news, today, we finally found out the name of the Royal Baby! Yeah, Meghan Markle and Prince Harry have decided to name him “Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor.” Even Benedict Cumberbatch was like, “That is a mouthful!”
But it’s true, the new baby’s name is Archie! Apparently, the Royals love the show "Riverdale," so it was either gonna be “Archie” or “Jughead.”
“Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor.” People didn’t see that coming. Right now, guys who bet on the name are calling their wives like, “Honey, you know that money I lost at the Derby? Well, I didn’t win it back.”
Archie Harrison Mountbatten-Windsor, it sounds like a British slip-and-fall law firm.
Even though the Royal Baby’s only three days old, he’s already paid more taxes than President Trump.
Trump basically set a record by losing over a billion dollars. It’s crazy -- if you combine Trump and the Avengers, you break even.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.9.19
We are just a few days away from Mother’s day and I saw that on Sunday, if you bring your mom to Hooters, she can eat for free. Here’s how that breaks down: It’s one day of free food, then 364 days of apologizing.
The big story is that the Senate Intelligence Committee has subpoenaed Donald Trump Jr. so he’ll testify about the Russia investigation. When Don Jr. asked his dad, “What’s a subpoena?” the president was like, “She’s a teenage witch.”
It’s the first time a president’s kid has even been subpoenaed. And it’s also the first time Don Jr.’s ever been picked for something before Ivanka.
Last night in North Korea, Kim Jong Un fired two missiles. It’s impressive, cuz most guys just fall asleep after firing one.
A chef was going through customs at the airport in Los Angeles when he got caught with a bag full of piranhas. But they let him go when he was like, “Those are my emotional support piranhas.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.10.19
It’s the weekend and this Sunday is Mother’s Day! I read that people spend eight billion dollars more on Mother's Day than Father's Day. Which makes sense, since brunch and jewelry cost a little more than scratch-off tickets and a six-pack of Coors.
I heard that for Mother’s Day, Americans spend two billion dollars on electronics. Then they spend two billion hours showing their moms how to use them. “No Ma, just say ‘Alexa,’ there’s no phone number to call her! Ma! MA!”
The race for 2020 is heating up, and I read that the founder of LinkedIn is hosting a fundraiser for Cory Booker. Yeah, but if you go to an event for LinkedIn AND a presidential candidate, let me tell you something: your email inbox is about to explode.
The Bachelorette is back on Monday and this is crazy, I read that one of the contestants has fathered 114 children as a sperm donor. That’s insane! But on The Bachelorette, “professional sperm donor” is one of the more respected professions.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: May 8 – May 15

Wednesday, May 8: Guests include Maya Rudolph, Rita Ora and musical guest Kygo & Rita Ora. Show 1064

Thursday, May 9: Guests include Halle Berry, Chris Kattan and musical guest Luke Combs. Show 1065

**Friday, May 10: Guests include Emma Thompson, Sophie Turner, Paula Pell and Amirah Kassem. Show 1066

**Monday, May 13: Guests include Milo Ventimiglia, Mayor Pete Buttigieg and musical guest Morrissey. Show 1067

**Tuesday, May 14: Guests include Jeff Daniels, Maluma and musical guest Maluma. Show 1068

**Wednesday, May 15: Guests include Howard Stern and musical guest Of Monsters and Men. Show 1069

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' April 29 – May 2

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.29.19
What a weekend! We had “Avengers: Endgame” in theaters, and the Battle of Winterfell on “Game of Thrones!” It was the first time kids had to tell their parents, “Okay, that’s enough screen time.”
Fans had some strong reactions to the Avengers. I read about a woman in China who cried so much during the movie that she started hyperventilating and had to go to the Emergency Room. Her husband was like, “She did the same thing when we saw ‘The Emoji Movie.’”
It just came out that in the first 24 hours of his campaign, Joe Biden raised 6.3 million dollars and he did it in an interesting way – he stood outside a movie theater and said, “Gimme a thousand bucks or I’ll ruin the Avengers for you!”
A whale wearing an electronic device was spotted off the coast of Norway, and experts think it was spying for Russia. When reached for comment, Vladimir Putin was like, “In Russia, not even Willy is free.”
I saw that the CIA just launched their own account on Instagram. Yeah, it sounds cool until you get a notification that says, “The CIA is now following you.”
This week, the Emperor of Japan is giving up the throne. If you wanna know more - just read the 50 articles about it that Prince Charles taped to the Queen’s fridge.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.30.19
From the movie, “Long Shot,” Charlize Theron is my guest tonight! The film’s already made history, it’s the first movie in 10 years without any Avengers.
Joe Biden's in first place by 24 percent. Biden’s pretty proud – today he gave himself a pat, a squeeze, and a rub on the back.
A few candidates, like John Hickenlooper, are actually polling at zero percent. Zero percent, it’s crazy -- not even John Hickenlooper supports John Hickenlooper.
Last night, Biden had his first rally, and he introduced himself as “Jill Biden’s husband.” But only cuz he was told to stop calling himself “Barack Obama’s bro-ham.”
Beto O’Rourke is also in the news. He just visited Yosemite National Park, and called it a quote, “religious experience.” It’s the same thing President Trump said after visiting the M&M store.
Well the president’s also gearing up for 2020 and I heard Donald Trump Jr.’s girlfriend, Kimberly Guilfoyle, is joining the campaign as a senior adviser. Yep, while Don Jr. will remain in his role – unpaid intern.
Today, Trump met with Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer, and they agreed to work on a two trillion dollar infrastructure plan to build roads, bridges, and highways or as Nancy Pelosi put it, “Anything but a wall.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.1.19
We are just four days away from Cinco de Mayo! But today William Barr was like, “I’m gonna need a margarita PRONTO.”
I saw that this morning, in under an hour, President Trump retweeted over 60 tweets. Which is why he spent the rest of the day with a tiny little ice pack on each thumb.
Trump was going crazy on Twitter because a big firefighters union decided to endorse Joe Biden instead of him. Trump was like, “It’s crazy -- I love firemen! I mean, no one loves to fire men more than me.”
Starting today, smoking is banned inside all Disney theme parks. When they heard, all the people in costume were like, “Whatever – we switched to edibles years ago.”
Instagram might get rid of “likes,” cuz they want users to quote, “focus on the photos and videos.” While users want Instagram to focus on what it’s really made for: making your friends jealous.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 5.2.19
There’s a lot to talk about, but let’s start with the Kentucky Derby. It’s this Saturday, and it should be fun. There’s nothing more exciting than a two-minute race that decides whether or not your kids go to college.
I heard NBC is gonna have four hours of coverage before the race. Yeah, four hours leading up to two exciting minutes -- or as that’s also known: prom.
This year’s race features one favorite and 19 long shots – which pretty much sums up the Democrats running for president.
I heard you can actually buy a jar of manure from a winning Derby horse for 200 dollars. So if you’re looking for that perfect Mother’s Day present -- keep looking.
This weekend is also Cinco de Mayo! Yeah, Cinco de Mayo – it’s the Super Bowl of accidentally racist office parties!
I heard that Joe Jonas just married “Game of Thrones” actress Sophie Turner in a surprise ceremony performed by an Elvis impersonator. Yeah, it was right in the middle of the last “Game of Thrones” episode -- we just couldn’t see it.
Everybody’s talking about how William Barr skipped a hearing in Congress cuz he didn’t wanna face another day of questioning. At one point, he tried hiding in a White House closet, but Melania was like, “Hey! Get your own place!”
I wanna say Happy Birthday to Spongebob Squarepants, who just turned 20. You can tell he’s getting old, because today they changed his name to SpongeBob DadJeans.
A Domino’s employee in Texas was arrested for punching his co-worker after he told him an “Avengers” spoiler. Police tried to take a statement from the victim, but as soon as he started talking, they were like,“No no no no no!”
I read that New Zealand accents were just ranked the sexiest in the world and then everyone from Boston was like, “Oh my GAWD! Are you friggin' kidding me? This crap is wicked rigged!"
According to NASA, there’s a giant asteroid named after the God of Death that’s currently plummeting towards Earth. Anyway...enjoy Cinco de Mayo, everyone!

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: May 2 – May 9

Thursday, May 2: Guests include Ryan Reynolds, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley and musical guest Protoje. Show 1061

Friday, May 3: Guests include Cher and The Cher Show Cast. OAD 4/15/19

Monday, May 6: Guests include Will Smith, Laurie Metcalf and Phil Hanley. Show 1062

Tuesday, May 7: Guests include Amy Poehler, Ryan Eggold and musical guest Vampire Weekend. Show 1063

**Wednesday, May 8: Guests include Maya Rudolph, Rita Ora and musical guest Kygo & Rita Ora. Show 1064

**Thursday, May 9: Guests include Halle Berry, Chris Kattan and musical guest Luke Combs. Show 1065

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: April 30 – May 7

Tuesday, April 30: Guests include Charlize Theron, Desus and Mero and Robert Irwin. Show 1059

Wednesday, May 1: Guests include Alexander Skarsgård, Sebastian Stan and musical guest Fontaines D.C. Show 1060

**Thursday, May 2: Guests include Ryan Reynolds, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley and musical guest Protoje. Show 1061

**Friday, May 3: Guests include Cher and The Cher Show Cast. OAD 4/15/19

**Monday, May 6: Guests include Will Smith, Laurie Metcalf and Phil Hanley. Show 1062

**Tuesday, May 7: Guests include Amy Poehler, Ryan Eggold and musical guest Vampire Weekend. Show 1063

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' April 22 – April 26

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.22.19
Today was the White House Easter Egg Roll! It was a lot of fun -- they had music, candy, and an Easter Egg Hunt -- but it got awkward when one of the kids was like, “I found Trump’s tax returns!”
The White House Easter Egg Roll has been an annual tradition since 1878! And here’s a fun fact: the first Easter Egg Roll was won by a young Bernie Sanders.
Trump had to fill a spot on the Federal Reserve Board, and said he wanted Herman Cain -- he’s the former presidential candidate and pizza CEO. But today, Cain withdrew his name from consideration. In response, Trump was like, “In that case, give me my second choice: Papa John.”
Today is Earth Day! But it’s really important that everyone does what they can to help the environment. For example, it sounds like Democrats are just a couple of days away from recycling Joe Biden.
That's right, it was Earth Day! People started the day like they always do: by forgetting their reusable tote bag at home.
I saw that Queen Elizabeth turned 93 years-old yesterday! To celebrate, there was a special Easter church service. But the Queen was like, “I already did all my celebrating on 4/20.”
Down in Florida, a man pretending to be a police officer was arrested after he pulled over an actual undercover cop. It got worse when the fake cop tried getting out of it by pretending to be a stripper. “No, you’re under arrest...for being too sexy.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.23.19
“Avengers: Endgame” is almost here, and I read that it could make over a billion dollars in its first weekend. A billion dollars! That means after Thanos, the Avengers’ next big enemy is gonna be Bernie Sanders. “Tony Stark is in the one percent!”
Speaking of Bernie Sanders. Last night, from 7 to midnight, CNN had five townhalls with five Democratic candidates. Yeah, five straight hours of town halls. Which is why Wolf Blitzer kicked things off by saying, “Good evening. I’m wearing a diaper.”
After a rough couple of months, Kraft Heinz announced that they’re getting rid of their CEO and Heinz is gonna get him out the only way they know how, flipping him upside down and whacking him on the butt.
A town in England has been having problems with aggressive seagulls on its beaches, so they brought in a pair of bald eagles to get rid of them. It's great. Now beach-goers can relax in peace, knowing if a seagull gets too close, an eagle will swoop in and murder it.
A pizza restaurant in Texas was shut down after people found out they were putting laxatives in the pizza. They even had a special deal: if you’re not on the toilet in 30 minutes, the next one’s free.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.24.19
Brie Larson is on the show tonight! We love Brie Larson. She’s here to finally try and get the word out about this movie called “Avengers: Endgame.”
Brie thought there were a lot of Avengers until she got here and met the 50 members of the Wu-Tang Clan.
But the new Avengers opens tomorrow, and it’s gonna be huge -- some theaters are staying open 24 hours a day, through Sunday. By then, the kid who works the butter pump is gonna have an arm like The Hulk.
President Trump met with the CEO of Twitter Jack Dorsey and I heard that Trump complained about losing Twitter followers. It was just like when Abraham Lincoln met with his generals and said, “Why aren’t my speeches getting more likes?!”
Trump asked Jack Dorsey why Obama has more Twitter followers than him, that it got awkward when Jack realized pressing the mute button doesn’t work on people in real life.
Today in Russia, Kim Jong Un met with Vladimir Putin. Yeah, it turns out Kim and Putin are good friends -- they’re actually so close, they can finish each other’s poisonings.
I saw that Kim arrived for the meeting by train. You know things are rough in North Korea, cuz Kim stepped off the train in Russia and was like, “Aah, the good life.”
I read that a lot of germ-killing brands like Clorox are now selling products with germs that are good for you or you could save a few bucks, and just walk onto a New York Subway with your mouth open.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.25.19
It’s a very special night here! Tonight’s entire audience is filled with people who couldn’t get tickets to “The Avengers.”
“Avengers: Endgame” is finally here! And I heard the movie’s actually three hours long! Yeah, after three hours, even the biggest Avengers fans are like, “Dear God, please don’t let there be scenes after the credits.”
Well you might not be at the Avengers tonight, but you guys do get to see one Avenger, Paul Rudd is here! We love him as Ant-Man which, by the way, is also Stormy Daniels’ nickname for Donald Trump.
I heard Kanye West is thinking about starting a church. Yeah, it’s the first church where people go to worship themselves.
There’s been a mysterious countdown clock on Taylor Swift’s Instagram, and it ends at midnight tonight. A lot of fans think she’s announcing a new album, while the rest are praying she’s running for president.
Today it was announced that Rami Malek will be the villain in the next James Bond movie. Yeah, he plays the head of HR who tells James Bond all the things he can’t do or say to women anymore in 2019.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.26.19
You guys, it’s the weekend and there’s so much going on! Avengers is in theaters! There’s an all new “Game of Thrones”! The NFL Draft is underway right now! At some point, Netflix is gonna be like, “Where the hell did everyone go?!”
Speaking of “Game of Thrones,” I heard this weekend’s episode has an epic battle scene that’s not very “family friendly.” Which is strange, cuz with all the sex between brothers and sisters, I think the show’s a little TOO “family friendly.”
Joe Biden just entered the race for 2020, but I heard that President Obama doesn’t plan on endorsing anyone in the primary. Yeah, it’s not good when Obama looks at 20 different candidates and goes, “Uhh, pass!”
Well now that Biden’s in the race, I read he’s shutting down his charity. When he heard, Trump was like, “I remember when I said goodbye to Charity. And Destiny. And Roxy.
President Trump is also gearing up for 2020. And I heard that on Saturday, he’s holding a campaign rally in Green Bay, Wisconsin. You can tell Trump’s excited, cuz he just styled his hair into a cheese head.
I saw that a 25 year-old woman that graduated from Princeton just got engaged to her 71 year- old professor. It was pretty romantic, he got down on one knee, then spent the next 10 minutes trying to get back up.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: April 25 – May 2

Thursday, April 25: Guests include Paul Rudd, Diane Guerrero and Leonard Ouzts. Show 1056

Friday, April 26: Guests include Sting, KJ Apa and musical guest Sting. Show 1057

Monday, April 29: Guests include Kate McKinnon, Noah Centineo and musical guest Mac DeMarco. Show 1058

Tuesday, April 30: Guests include Charlize Theron, Desus and Mero and Robert Irwin. Show 1059

Wednesday, May 1: Guests include Alexander Skarsgård and musical guest Fontaines D.C. Show 1060

**Thursday, May 2: Guests include Ryan Reynolds, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley and musical guest Kevin Abstract. Show 1061

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: April 24 – May 1

Wednesday, April 24: Guests include Brie Larson, Wyatt Cenac and musical guest Wu-Tang Clan. Show 1055

Thursday, April 25: Guests include Paul Rudd, Diane Guerrero and Leonard Ouzts. Show 1056

Friday, April 26: Guests include Sting, KJ Apa and musical guest Sting. Show 1057

Monday, April 29: Guests include Kate McKinnon, Noah Centineo and musical guest Mac DeMarco. Show 1058

**Tuesday, April 30: Guests include Charlize Theron, Desus and Mero and Robert Irwin. Show 1059

**Wednesday, May 1: Guests include Alexander Skarsgård and musical guest Fontaines D.C. Show 1060

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: April 22 – 29

Monday, April 22: Guests include Nathan Lane, Pitbull, Philippe Cousteau and Lenny Marcus. Show 1053

Tuesday, April 23: Guests include Dr. Phil McGraw, Sophia Bush, Tyler ‘Ninja’ Blevins and musical guest Maggie Rogers. Show 1054

Wednesday, April 24: Guests include Brie Larson, Wyatt Cenac and musical guest Wu-Tang Clan. Show 1055

Thursday, April 25: Guests include Paul Rudd, Diane Guerrero and Leonard Ouzts. Show 1056

**Friday, April 26: Guests include Sting, KJ Apa and musical guest Sting. Show 1057

**Monday, April 29: Guests include Kate McKinnon, Noah Centineo and musical guest Mac DeMarco. Show 1058

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' April 15 – April 19

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.15.19
I heard that Bed Bath & Beyond is trying to re-brand itself, and they’re launching new stores that focus on home décor, furniture, food, and beverages. They even have a cool name for the new store: Target.
Yesterday, Facebook and Instagram both experienced major outages. It was terrible – people at Coachella couldn’t upload awful, shaky videos of all the performances.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.16.19
The race for 2020 is already underway, and a new poll found that Bernie Sanders is now leading Joe Biden, 29 percent to 24. You can tell Biden’s stressed -- he spent all day giving himself a massage.
Pete Buttigieg has skyrocketed into third place! Asked what separates him from Bernie and Biden, Buttigieg said, “Well, for starters, I wear my pants below the nipple.”
Well a lot of people watched Bernie’s town hall, including the president. And get this -- I read that sometimes, Trump actually stops meetings to yell at TVs playing cable news. It sounds crazy until you realize that screaming at cable news actually makes him more relatable.
But back to Bernie. He also made headlines yesterday by releasing 10 years of tax returns. And it turns out in the last two years, he’s earned 1.7 million dollars. Most of it was from his book sales, the rest was from silver dollars he pulled out of his grandkids’ ears.
Bernie provided 10 years of tax returns. Meanwhile, Trump was like, “I’d do the same but I gave up taxes for Lent.”
I read that Trump’s re-election campaign has been spending a lot of money on Facebook ads. And most of them target users that are over 65. Americans were shocked -- they were like, “There’s people on Facebook under 65?”
Everyone’s still talking about “Game of Thrones.” I saw that Sunday’s premiere set a record, with 17 million people tuning in. While another 17 million people sat next to them going, “Who’s that again?”
I heard that the children’s show “Peppa Pig” is so popular that little kids are starting to speak with British accents. When their parents said, “Maybe it’s time to watch something else,” they were like, “Not bloody likely!”
Microsoft is working on its own wireless earbuds to compete with Apple’s AirPods, and they’re calling them “Surface Buds.” Which sounds less like earphones, and more like your relationship with your old college roommates. “We’re not tight, we’re more like 'surface buds.’”
I heard that Chips Ahoy cookies are being recalled because they might contain a quote, “unexpected ingredient.” In response, stoners were like, “So what? The best cookies have “unexpected ingredients!”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.17.19
Beyoncé just dropped a new album and Netflix documentary all in the same day, also the TIME 100 list was released, the Mueller report comes out tomorrow, and someone leaked the end to Avengers.
E.L. James, the woman who wrote “Fifty Shades of Grey,” has just come out with her newest erotic novel. It’s called “The Mister,” and the story is actually about income inequality. Or as Bernie Sanders put it, “I’ve never been so turned on in my life!”
The book is called “The Mister.” Critics are calling it the most sexually charged story ever about the guy at the supermarket that sprays the produce. “Hi, I’m the Mister.”
A science teacher in Japan was arrested for teaching his students how to make ecstasy. The teacher says he feels terrible...but also really, really good.
The other day in Connecticut, a police officer who likes to wear tap shoes while he's on duty was able to run down a car thief. When the suspect asked how many years he’d spend in jail, the officer was like, “Five-six-seven-eight!”
Carl’s Jr. is testing a CBD-infused burger. So far it’s working, cuz customers eat the burger, walk outside, look up and say, “Sweet! Carl’s Jr.!” and walk right back in.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.18.19
The Mueller Report is finally here, and it’s a huge mess. Republicans say it proves there was no collusion and exonerates Trump. Democrats say they wanna see the redacted parts and have the Attorney General testify. While every American is like, “Thank God it’s almost 4/20.”
The report talks about collusion, obstruction, and Russian interference. And it’s pretty thick -- 381 pages. But when Hillary Clinton read it, she was still able to tear it in half with her bare hands.
The report also said Trump tried to obstruct justice several times, but it never happened cuz his staff refused to carry out his orders. In response, Trump thanked his staffers for not listening to him...and then he fired them all for not listening to him.
But rather than saying whether or not Trump obstructed justice, Mueller is leaving it up to Congress to decide. That’s a relief, cuz if there’s one group that’s good at agreeing on things, it’s Congress.
Facebook says it "unintentionally uploaded" 1.5 million of its users' email contacts without permission. Facebook was like, “It was a complete accident and we didn’t mean to upload the information – we meant to sell it.”
I read that Google's headquarters just got hit with a case of measles. Meanwhile, over at Bing, they were like, "Damn, not even the MEASLES come to us."
I read about a man in Florida who broke into a Little League concession stand and stole hot dogs and cash – all while being completely naked. Meanwhile, one kid on the field was like, “Ugh, dad, you’re embarrassing me!”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.19.19
You guys, it’s the weekend and there’s a lot going on, including Easter and Passover. That’s right, Jewish people started celebrating Passover today, on the 19th. While stoners will celebrate Passover tomorrow, on 4/20.
I read that on 4/20, there are actually fewer car accidents than there are on other holidays. Mostly cuz it’s hard to get into a car accident when you’re driving 3 miles per hour.
The 2020 campaign is underway, and next week, I saw that CNN is hosting five Democratic town halls. Which is a great way for America to get to know one percent of the Democrats running for president.
There’s another new episode of “Game of Thrones” this weekend! And I read that the show set a record by using 4,000 gallons of fake blood. Even crazier, the previous record-holder? “The Golden Girls.”

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: April 18 – 25

Thursday, April 18: Guests include Andy Cohen, Pete Davidson, Mario, Michael & Marco Andretti and José Andrés. Show 1051

Friday, April 19: Guests include Michael Shannon, Jane Goodall, Winnie Harlow and Jess Salomon. Show 1052

Monday, April 22: Guests include Nathan Lane, Pitbull, Philippe Cousteau and Lenny Marcus. Show 1053

Tuesday, April 23: Guests include Dr. Phil McGraw, Sophia Bush, Tyler ‘Ninja’ Blevins and musical guest Maggie Rogers. Show 1054

**Wednesday, April 24: Guests include Brie Larson, Wyatt Cenac and musical guest Wu-Tang Clan. Show 1055

**Thursday, April 25: Guests include Paul Rudd, Diane Guerrero and Leonard Ouzts. Show 1056

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: April 16 – 23

Tuesday, April 16: Guests include Alex Rodriguez, Ashley Benson and musical guest Jade Bird. Show 1049

Wednesday, April 17: Guests include Kate Beckinsale, Ralph Macchio, and Rudy Francisco. Show 1050

**Thursday, April 18: Guests include Andy Cohen, Pete Davidson, Mario, Michael & Marco Andretti and José Andrés. Show 1051

**Friday, April 19: Guests include Michael Shannon, Jane Goodall, Winnie Harlow and Jess Salomon. Show 1052

**Monday, April 22: Guests include Nathan Lane, Pitbull and Philippe Cousteau. Show 1053

**Tuesday, April 23: Guests include Dr. Phil McGraw, Sophia Bush, Tyler ‘Ninja’ Blevins and musical guest Maggie Rogers. Show 1054

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' April 8 – April 12


Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.8.19
How great was it outside in New York City, it was 77 degrees out there! It was so nice outside, even President Trump did a little a spring cleaning -- he threw out his Secretary of Homeland Security.
Trump’s Homeland Security Secretary, Kirstjen Nielsen, resigned. She was in charge of border security, but after working with Trump for two years, she finally decided to deport herself. Actually, Nielsen said that this was the right time to step down, and she looks forward to spending more time separating her own family.
Nielsen said she’ll stay on until Wednesday so she can “assist with an orderly transition.” That’s right, she’s training the new Homeland Security Secretary for 2 days! Shouldn’t that take longer? Hell, even Starbucks baristas take two weeks to train their replacements!
The 2020 election is in full swing, and Pete Buttigieg is feeling pretty confident. On “Meet The Press,” he said he’s got more experience than the past two presidents. Some people disagree cuz he’s only a 37-year-old mayor. But I think those people forgot our current president is a former game show host.
But all the candidates are trying to stand out. Now Bernie Sanders is saying that he wants to make it legal for felons to be able to vote while they’re in prison. It’s an interesting idea, but you do NOT wanna know how he plans on getting the ballots inside the jail.
Elizabeth Warren is also in the news. A new poll found that she’s currently in third place in her own home state of Massachusetts. But keep in mind, second place is a Dunkin’ Donuts cashier, and first place is Gronk.
There was a marathon in North Korea, and they had a record-high turnout. Marathons are a little different in North Korea – as soon as the race starts, everyone runs in different directions.
March Madness wrapped up tonight with the championship game between Virginia and Texas Tech! So, if you had picked those two teams in your brackets...you are a liar.
Police in New York City had to remove a raccoon that had snuck down into the subway. Passengers saw the raccoon and were like, “Gross! He’s actually TOUCHING the pole!”
I read that McDonald’s will no longer serve Filet-O-Fish sandwiches after midnight. If you’re someone who was eating fish at McDonald’s after midnight, this might be a good time to re-evaluate your life choices.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.9.19
March Madness came to an end last night, with Virginia coming out on top as the number one team! In three weeks, we went from 68 all the way down to 1 -- it was just like the staff at the White House
But I wanna say congrats to the Virginia Cavaliers, it’s the first time they’ve ever won a National Championship. After the game, the coach told his players, “I love you guys more than anything.” Then he looked up, and realized they’d already left for the NBA.
Of course, it was a tough loss for Texas Tech and I read that last November, someone in Vegas actually bet fifteen-hundred bucks on Texas Tech to win the tournament, which would’ve given him 300,000 dollars. If you want to ask him about it, he’s currently sitting on the floor of his closet, rocking back and forth.
Bernie Sanders is on the campaign trail, and this week he’s visiting five battleground states. Yeah, it’s actually Bernie’s first time on a battleground since Gettysburg.
This week alone, Bernie’s heading to Wisconsin, Michigan, Pennsylvania, Indiana, and Ohio. The only thing more impressive than Bernie campaigning in five states is that you can actually hear him in ten.
But Bernie’s got his work cut out for him, cuz a new poll has Joe Biden leading the Democratic field. And it’s a tricky situation. Some experts think Biden’s too inappropriate with women to beat the other Democrats -- and yet, not inappropriate enough to beat Trump.
Today, Attorney General William Barr said he'll deliver the Mueller Report to Congress within a week, and it’ll have “color-coded” redactions. And this is nice, he’s letting Don Jr. do all the coloring.
I read that prosecutors want all the parents who pleaded guilty to get prison time. Yeah, they’ll be forced to live in a tiny concrete room with a stranger. So at least SOMEONE in the family gets to experience dorm life.
Right now in Japan, one in four adults is a virgin, and sexual inexperience is becoming a major concern. It's so bad, when sons ask their dads how sex works, the dads respond, “I was hoping you’d tell me.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.10.19
It was 60 degrees here in New York today! But the Midwest wasn’t as lucky -- they’re getting hit with freezing temperatures and several feet of snow. People in the Midwest were like, “Okay -- this marketing campaign for ‘Game of Thrones’ is way too intense.”
Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders says that he’s gonna release his tax returns on Monday, and thanks to his book sales, they’re actually expected to show that Bernie is now a millionaire. Yeah, Bernie Sanders is a millionaire! He’s pretty freaked out -- he was like, “Oh my God, the one percent is coming from inside the house!”
Of course, Bernie’s trying to downplay it. At a rally today, he was like, “Don’t be fooled by the new socks that I got, I’m still, I’m still Bernie from the block!”
The guy who’s spent his life ranting against millionaires IS a millionaire. That’s like finding out Smokey the Bear is a pyromaniac! It’s like finding out the Hamburglar is a vegan! It’s like Joe Biden telling us he’s spent 40 years teaching classes on workplace harassment.
Speaking of Biden. I heard that he’s gonna officially announce he’s running after Easter. Which is fitting, since his current strategy is hiding in a cave for a few days until some stuff blows over.
Today is Wednesday, but it’s also “National Siblings Day.” Or as Jamie and Cersei Lannister call it “Humpday.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.11.19
This morning, the founder of Wikileaks, Julian Assange was arrested in London. He’s being brought to the U.S. on charges of leaking secrets, and he’s facing a pretty rough punishment. They're gonna make him Trump’s new Secretary of Homeland Security.
I saw that the European Union is pushing back Brexit until October. When American’s heard about the delay they were like, “Great, that gives me six more months to figure out what Brexit is.”
Today, President Trump had a big meeting with South Korea’s president, who’s trying to convince Trump to meet with Kim Jong Un for a THIRD time. But it got weird today when Trump was like, “Wait – I thought you WERE Kim Jong Un.”
I heard that 37 year-old Democratic candidate Pete Buttigieg has been gaining in the polls, and he’s now third behind Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders. He said he’s got a great strategy to beat Biden and Bernie – make it to 2020.
I heard about an Argentinian company that designed a new condom that comes in a package that requires 4 hands to open. Because that was the problem with condoms, they were too easy to open.
According to a new study, we could help slow down the effects of climate change by using flying cars and if you think that’s a good idea - think about the worst Uber driver you’ve ever had - and imagine them driving a plane.
This week, on an American Airlines flight to Dallas, the flight attendant accidentally spilled drinks on a passenger -- and then she found out, he was the CEO of American Airlines. When the rest of the plane heard, they also dumped their drinks on him.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.12.19
I read that the cloak that Kit Harington wears on the show is actually a rug from IKEA. Yeah, and when he heard that, President Trump was like, “Who cares? So is my hair.”
It’s not just Game of Thrones weekend, it’s also Coachella, a lot of people are getting ready to travel out to California for the festival -- while their friends are getting ready to mute them on Instagram.
The 2020 election is in full swing, and I read that two young campaign staffers that used to work for Beto O’Rourke, left him for Bernie Sanders. Beto says he knew they were cheating on him when they would come back to his office smelling like Bengay.

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' April 1 – April 5


Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.1.19


Guys, there were some great March Madness games this weekend, and we’re now down to the Final Four! Virginia is taking on Auburn, and Michigan State is taking on Texas Tech. Meanwhile, Duke will be taking on Netflix and some Ben & Jerry’s.



Yeah, it was a tough loss. Duke was the number-one overall team, but they got beat by Michigan State. Duke scored 67 points, which happens to be the same number of points you get in Scrabble for the word “Krzyzewski.”



Let’s get to some news here. The big political story is that President Trump is threatening to shut down the Mexican border to stop the flow of migrants. You can tell he’s serious about closing it down, cuz today he hired the CEOs of Sears, Payless, and Blockbuster to make it happen.



Some more news about the president. The Justice Department is saying they’ll release the entire Mueller Report later this month. Then Trump said, “Just release it today so that anything bad seems like an April Fool’s joke.”



Here’s another big political story. A politician named Lucy Flores is accusing Joe Biden of inappropriately kissing the back of her head, and smelling her hair. When he heard, President Obama was like, “I forgot -- whenever he does that, just spritz him with a little water.”



But it’s not a good look for Biden. If any other women come forward and say he acted inappropriate, he could get elected president.



Listen to this. Today, a computer glitch grounded flights across the country for several major airlines, including American, Delta, United and Southwest. Most airlines apologized, while Southwest said, “We’re considered a ‘major airline?’ Awesome!”



Here’s some business news. I heard that pretty soon, Walgreens is gonna start selling CBD products in their stores. Meanwhile, you can get actual weed at any Walmart if you just raise your eyebrows at the right employee.



Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.2.19

“Avengers Endgame” doesn’t come out for three weeks, but tickets went on sale today -- and so many people tried to buy them, that all the ticket sites crashed. That pretty much sums up the country – we buy our Avengers tickets three weeks early, and file our taxes five minutes before they’re due.

The studio says "Avengers: Endgame" is the last in the series. Until it makes a billion dollars, and they immediately release "Avengers Endgame: A New Beginning."

Last night, President Trump tweeted that he’s got a really great healthcare plan to replace Obamacare, but he said he won’t reveal it until AFTER the 2020 election. Which is basically the political version of saying, “I do have a girlfriend, she just goes to a different school!”

Trump told reporters that he still might close the Mexican border and experts say if that happens, the U.S. could run out of avocados in 3 weeks and that’s when Trader Joe’s will officially change its name to “Fight Club.”

In a new article, one Republican Senator said that Trump “lives in the moment. He's not thinking of the next day or even the next hour." It’s always comforting to hear the most powerful man in the world has so much in common with a goldfish.

Well, the 2020 presidential race is underway, and I read that Pete Buttigieg and Joe Biden are the most Googled Democrats. Yeah, Buttigieg is thinking, “Sweet, people are Googling me!” while Biden is like, “Stop Googling me!”

I read that Keebler was just sold in a deal worth 1.3 billion dollars. It’s great for Keebler, but tough on the elves who found an eviction notice nailed to their tree this morning.

Scientists have built a six-foot 10-inch robot that can hit perfect 3-pointers. Unfortunately, rival scientists built a six-foot ELEVEN-inch robot that can say, “Not in my house.”

A new report just confirmed that the Curiosity Rover detected Methane on Mars. Although you know what they say: He who detected it, ejected it.

I saw that a school in Japan is teaching people how to become professional mascots. When the Elmo in Times Square heard, he was like, “For 15 dollars I’ll give you a degree and my costume right now.”



Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.3.19

Alec Baldwin is here tonight, Kelly Clarkson is here tonight! Yeah, Alec Baldwin is here! You know what that means -- there’s a good chance President Trump will be angrily live-tweeting the show.

This weekend, the Secret Service arrested a woman from China who snuck into Mar-a-Lago with multiple passports and a thumb drive with computer viruses. And people think she might be a Chinese spy! Trump’s not taking any chances - he just announced that he’s shutting down the border between the U.S. and China. Apparently the woman got into Mar-a-Lago by telling security, “I’m just going to the pool.” Yeah, it’s not good that Mar-a-Lago has the same security protocols as Planet Fitness.

Even though his dad was born in New York, yesterday Trump told reporters that his dad was born in Germany. Even weirder, then he said Melania was born in New Jersey.

Trump thinks his dad was German. It’s because Trump’s dad used to tell his assistant, “If Donald is looking for me, just tell him I’m in Germany.”

I saw that Bernie Sanders has raised more money than any other 2020 Democratic candidates, with 18 million dollars. Which means that in Vermont, a haircut must cost over 18 million dollars. That’s right, Bernie’s raised 18 million bucks. Yeah, it’s so much money, the AARP has started asking HIM for benefits.

I heard that Netflix just announced they’re raising prices next month. In response, we’re all gonna complain for five minutes and then keep paying Netflix whatever they want.

Last night was the big season finale of “This Is Us.” It ended with a flash-forward, several decades into the future. The characters were old, grey, and STILL waiting for the new season of “Game of Thrones.”

I saw that “Game of Thrones” just released a new trailer for the upcoming season that’s one minute long, and has zero dialogue. Yeah, a minute long and no talking - or as Trump calls that: sex.



Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.4.19

I saw that Democrats have formally requested six years of President Trump’s tax returns from the IRS. Then Trump was like, “Joke’s on you -- I didn’t file taxes any of those years!”

The Democrats are going after Trump’s tax returns. And he doesn’t want people to see them, cuz under “Marital Status” he wrote “It’s Complicated.”

The other big story is the Mueller Report. So far all we’ve seen is the summary, which wasn’t so bad for Trump. But now some people from Mueller’s team are saying the summary doesn’t tell the whole story, and it left out some stuff that could make Trump look pretty bad. Which is why today, officials told Trump, “Sir, you may be suffering from premature exoneration.”

The woman who snuck into Mar-a-Lago the other day might be a Chinese spy, so now officials are reviewing the security at Trump's resort. And Trump’s not taking any chances. Today, he told staffers to change all his passwords from “12345” to uppercase “12345.”

Today is apparently something called "National Hug a Newsperson Day." Or as Joe Biden put it, “Awkwarrrrd!”



Jimmy Fallon Quotables 4.5.19

March Madness is back with the Final Four! The games are in Minneapolis, and I heard the NCAA actually had to take down some signs they hung up around the city cuz they misspelled “NCAA.” The guy who did it was like, “Why didn’t my parents bribe me into a better college!” Yeah, they misspelled “NCAA” as “NCCA.” And if you think that’s bad, you do NOT wanna know how they misspelled “Virginia.”

This weekend, we’ve also got WrestleMania 35! It’s over at MetLife Stadium in New Jersey! And you know it’s gonna be crazy in New Jersey. Every time a wrestler gets hit with an illegal object, the ref’s gonna be like, “I didn’t see nuthin!” I’m excited about WrestleMania – watching a bunch of people attack each other for three hours is great practice for the Democratic debates.

I read that over in Ukraine, a comedian who plays their president on TV is currently leading the polls in their upcoming presidential election. Americans heard that and were like, “Why not -- Alec Baldwin 2020!”

There’s another new book about Trump coming out. And this one claims that when a Congressman accused Trump of lying, the president responded by saying, “Who the f-- are you?” Then Eric Trump was like, “Hey, that's my nickname!"



'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: April 11 – 18




Thursday, April 11: Guests include Emma Stone, Tracy Pollan & Michael J. Fox and musical guest Tank and the Bangas. Show 1046
**Friday, April 12: Guests include Ethan Hawke, Dwyane Wade, Kate del Castillo and Ronny Chieng. Show 1047
Monday, April 15: Guests include Cher and musical guest Cher and The Cher Show cast. Show 1048
**Tuesday, April 16: Guests include Alex Rodriguez, Ashley Benson and musical guest Jade Bird. Show 1049
**Wednesday, April 17: Guests include Kate Beckinsale, Ralph Macchio, and Rudy Francisco. Show 1050
**Thursday, April 18: Guests include Andy Cohen, Mario, Michael & Marco Andretti and José Andrés. Show 1051
These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: April 2 – 9

Tuesday, April 2: Guests include Sam Rockwell, Kathie Lee Gifford and a performance from Rodgers & Hammerstein’s “Oklahoma!” Show 1039

Wednesday, April 3: Guests include Alec Baldwin, Kelly Clarkson and musical guest Kelly Clarkson. Show 1040

Thursday, April 4: Guests include Kit Harington, Elle Fanning and musical guest Khalid. Show 1041

Friday, April 5: Guests include Taraji P Henson, Jason Clarke and Nate Bargatze. Show 1042

**Monday, April 8: Guests include Hugh Jackman, Chrissy Metz and musical guest Juice Wrld. Show 1043

**Tuesday, April 9: Guests include Chelsea Handler, Justin Hartley and musical guest Brooks & Dunn ft. Midland. Bernard Purdie sits in with The Roots. Show 1044

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: March 29 – April 5

Friday, March 29: Guests include Jordan Peele, Malcolm Gladwell, Marlon du Toit and musical guest Sharon Van Etten. OAD 3/18/19

Monday, April 1: Guests include Tracy Morgan, Maisie Williams, Patrick Mahomes and musical guest The Zombies. Show 1038

Tuesday, April 2: Guests include Sam Rockwell, Kathie Lee Gifford and a performance from Rodgers & Hammerstein’s “Oklahoma!” Show 1039

Wednesday, April 3: Guests include Alec Baldwin, Kelly Clarkson and musical guest Kelly Clarkson. Show 1040

Thursday, April 4: Guests include Kit Harington, Elle Fanning and musical guest Khalid. Show 1041

**Friday, April 5: Guests include Taraji P Henson, Jason Clarke and Nate Bargatze. Show 1042

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: March 28 – April 4

Thursday, March 28: Guests include Mark Ruffalo, Jim Jefferies and musical guest Normani ft. 6lack. OAD 3/13/19

Friday, March 29: Guests include Jordan Peele, Malcolm Gladwell, Marlon du Toit and musical guest Sharon Van Etten. OAD 3/18/19

Monday, April 1: Guests include Tracy Morgan, Maisie Williams, Patrick Mahomes and musical guest The Zombies. Show 1038

Tuesday, April 2: Guests include Sam Rockwell, Kathie Lee Gifford and a performance from Rodgers & Hammerstein’s “Oklahoma!” Show 1039

Wednesday, April 3: Guests include Alec Baldwin, Kelly Clarkson and musical guest Kelly Clarkson. Show 1040

**Thursday, April 4: Guests include Kit Harington, Elle Fanning and musical guest Khalid. Show 1041

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' March 18 – March 22

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.18.19
March Madness is here! And I’m not even talking about the 35 crazy tweets Trump sent this weekend.
Yesterday was Selection Sunday, where we got to see the NCAA Tournament’s official bracket. 68 teams go head-to-head until there’s only one left standing. It’s the same system Democrats are gonna use to pick their nominee.
But everybody’s talking about March Madness. It’s that exciting time when Americans watch kids play college basketball while gambling away their kids’ college tuition.
The first games start tomorrow, when Prairie View plays Fairleigh Dickinson. In response, even “Game of Thrones” fans were like, “Those names sound totally made up.”
Over the weekend, J.K. Rowling revealed that Dumbledore had an “intense sexual relationship” with Grindelwald. You can read all about it in her next book “Harry Potter and the Chamber of Too Much Information.”
I saw that health experts are saying that the “snooze button” is bad for your health, and they’re telling Apple to take the feature off their phones. In response, Apple was like, “Okay, we’ll take it off, just gimme like 9 more minutes.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.19.19
Tomorrow is the first day of Spring! I love Spring! It’s that special time of year when we go from flu season directly into allergy season.
Spring officially starts tomorrow and this was nice – today three more Democrats came out of hibernation and announced they’re running for president.
There’s another candidate who’s starting to get some attention named Andrew Yang. Apparently wants to give every American a thousand dollars a month by taxing companies like Google. If you wanna read more about Andrew Yang, you should search for him on Yahoo, cuz his name was just completely erased from Google.
Last night, Elizabeth Warren said she wants to get rid of the Electoral College. Actually, the president was like, “We can’t get rid of the Electoral College, I picked them to go all the way in March Madness!”
But a lot of people wanna get rid of the Electoral College. Which is too bad, cuz it’s the only college left that parents can’t bribe their way into.
But all the cable networks are busy covering the election. And I wanna say congrats to CSPAN for turning 40 years old today. It’s exciting! That means CSPAN is only 40 more years away from being the average age of someone who watches CSPAN.
It just came out that the president wants to slash funding for PBS. And PBS characters aren’t happy. Today, the Count was like,“I have one...one finger I’d like to show President Trump!”
Trump’s been busy. Today, he met with the Brazilian President. But when they first saw the word “Brazilian” listed on Trump’s schedule, people thought, “Uh oh, it’s date night!”
Florida prosecutors are now offering to drop prostitution charges against New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft for visiting that massage parlor. When he got the news, Kraft celebrated by going back to the massage parlor. It looks like the charges against Kraft are getting dropped. So good for him, he got off twice.
The first trailer for “Toy Story 4” came out today! Which is why everyone at work was like, “No, I’m not crying – I was just chopping onions...at my desk...”
Today, the LA Angels signed outfielder Mike Trout to the biggest contract in baseball history, worth 430 million dollars. Wow, 430 million! In a related story, a hot dog at an Angels game now costs 3.2 million dollars.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.20.19
Today was the first day of Spring! Millions of people looked at their bodies in the mirror and were like, “I thought I had more time!”
A new CNN poll found that even though he’s not officially campaigning, Joe Biden is the frontrunner for the Democratic nomination. Biden was thrilled - he said he hadn’t accomplished this much without doing anything since he was vice president.
Kellyanne Conway’s husband George has been critical of President Trump lately, so the president tweeted that he thinks George Conway is jealous of Kellyanne’s success. Today, even Melania was like, “How are those two still together?”
A lot of people are excited about the new trailer for “Stranger Things.” It’s season three, the kids are getting a little older – this time they deal with the fallout after their parents try bribing them into college.
Apple just released a new pair of AirPods today that work better with Siri. So get ready for all the people shouting, “Hey Siri, where are my AirPods?!”
Tonight Americans got to see a “Super Worm Equinox Moon,” When they heard that, hurricanes were like, “How come we get stuck with names like Steve and Phil?”
A woman in upstate New York just gave birth to a healthy baby girl that weighs 15 pounds. 15 pounds, when you give that baby a bottle, she just unscrews the top and chugs it. The mother said she felt like she was quote, "hit by two tractor trailers simultaneously." While the baby said, “It was no picnic for me either, Candace.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.21.19
The race for the Democratic presidential nomination has barely started and it’s already getting crazy. Former Democratic Senator Mike Gravel is thinking about running at 88 years old! 88, when they heard, Bernie Sanders and Joe Biden were like, “Hey! Who’s the new kid?!”
We could have a 76 year-old, a 77 year-old and an 88 year-old running for president! I can’t wait for the debates. Who wouldn’t be pumped about the possibility of listening to a three-hour symphony of dry coughs? These guys shouldn’t be running for president, they should be in a movie about a group of friends taking their last trip to Las Vegas.
Today, former President Jimmy Carter became America's longest-living president at 94 years! These are strange times – somehow Jimmy Carter is the oldest living president, but today, he would still be the youngest Democrat running for president.
The frontrunner is still Joe Biden, even though he hasn’t officially joined the race. But the other night, he did tell a few people that he’s gonna run. It’s like when you’ve got a female friend who starts wearing looser clothes and stops drinking, then you’ve still gotta act surprised in three months when she’s like, “I’m pregnant you guys!”
Speaking of Beto O’Rourke. He’s been able to campaign more than anyone because right now, he doesn’t have a job. So he’s actually been driving around the country in a rented Dodge minivan. So let me get this straight -- one of the top Democratic candidates is a 40 year-old unemployed guy living out of a van.
March Madness started today! And there were some great matchups-- Baylor vs. Syracuse, Montana vs. Michigan, Donald Trump vs. Kellyanne Conway’s husband.
Trump and Kellyanne’s husband are in a huge Twitter feud, but Kellyanne says she’s not being asked to choose between her marriage and her job. Then Trump was like, “Do what I do – choose neither.”
On Twitter today, Kellyanne’s husband George called Trump a liar and “the worst kind of dumb.” And when Trump saw George posting insults on Twitter, he fired Kellyanne, and hired George.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 3.22.19
You guys, it’s the first weekend of Spring! And what better way to celebrate Spring than spending the next two days on the couch watching March Madness!
That’s right, the NCAA Tournament is here! FINALLY! A chance for college kids to drink and watch sports!
Unlike past presidents, Donald Trump didn’t fill out his own March Madness bracket. Trump said he wants to focus on more important things, like live-tweeting reruns of “Saturday Night Live.”
Well there’s a lot happening in politics right now. Everybody’s talking about 2020. And even though he’s not technically in the race yet, a new poll says that Biden is in first place. Then it said Bernie Sanders is second, Kamala Harris is third, and Beto O’Rourke is fourth. Followed by a 92-way tie for fifth place.
Later this year, the creators of “Game of Thrones” are gonna start shooting some new “Star Wars” films. It’s very exciting for fans who love the “Star Wars” movies, but always thought they could use more incest.
I saw that for Easter, some IKEA stores are having an all-you-can-eat buffet. Yeah, cuz spending the holidays with family wasn’t stressful enough – let’s throw a trip to IKEA into the mix.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: March 27 – April 3

Wednesday, March 27: Guests include Oscar Isaac, Lilly Singh, Fallonventions and Jimmy Carr. OAD 3/14/19

Thursday, March 28: Guests include Mark Ruffalo, Jim Jefferies and musical guest Normani ft. 6lack. OAD 3/13/19

Friday, March 29: Guests include Jordan Peele, Malcolm Gladwell, Marlon du Toit and musical guest Sharon Van Etten. OAD 3/18/19

**Monday, April 1: Guests include Tracy Morgan, Maisie Williams, Patrick Mahomes and musical guest The Zombies. Show 1038

**Tuesday, April 2: Guests include Sam Rockwell, Kathie Lee Gifford and a performance from Rodgers & Hammerstein’s “Oklahoma!” Show 1039

**Wednesday, April 3: Guests include Alec Baldwin, Kelly Clarkson and musical guest Kelly Clarkson. Show 1040

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: March 21 – 29

Thursday, March 21: Guests include Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Joel Kinnaman and a performance by the Broadway cast of Ain’t Too Proud. Show 1035

Friday, March 22: Guests include Norman Reedus, IIana Glazer, Mikaela Shiffrin and James Veitch. Show 1036

Monday, March 25: Guests include Conor McGregor, Michael Che, Rachel Feinstein and Frank Pellegrino Jr. Show 1037

**Tuesday, March 26: Guests include John Mulaney, Kevin Nealon and musical guest 2 Chainz ft. Marsha Ambrosius. OAD 2/28/19

**Wednesday, March 27: Guests include Oscar Isaac, Lilly Singh, Fallonventions and Jimmy Carr. OAD 3/14/19

**Thursday, March 28: Guests include Mark Ruffalo, Jim Jefferies and musical guest Normani ft. 6lack. OAD 3/13/19

**Friday, March 29: Guests include Jordan Peele, Malcolm Gladwell, Marlon du Toit and musical guest Sharon Van Etten. OAD 3/18/19

These listings are subject to change.
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QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' January 28 – February 1

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.28.19
Shaquille O’Neal is my guest tonight! I’m looking forward to seeing him. He hasn’t been here since he put the star on top of the Rockefeller Christmas Tree.
I love Shaq, but it’s tough getting him up here. You have to maneuver him in the elevator like you’re moving a couch.
Shaq is here! Or as one guy watching at home put it, “Now HE would make a great border wall.”
Today for the first time since the government shutdown, federal employees went back to work! TSA agents were so happy, they popped opened the champagne they’d been confiscating for a special occasion.
I heard that former Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz is thinking about running for president. Meanwhile, the CEO of Dunkin Donuts is thinking about running a meth lab out of every store.
Last night, there was supposed to be a live broadcast of the musical “Rent,” but one of the actors broke his foot, so they had to air a pre-taped rehearsal. The actor’s fine, but doctors say he’s gotta wear a cast for about five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.29.19
A Polar Vortex is bringing record-breaking cold weather from up north to large parts of the U.S., which explains why today, President Trump announced that he wants to build a border wall across Canada.
It’s freezing in Chicago, I heard that it’s actually colder than Antarctica! On the news, the weatherman wasn’t giving the forecast, he was just spooning the camera guy for warmth.
I read that by the end of the week, 250 million Americans will experience freezing temperatures. So if you can, please check in on the elderly. All day long the Patriots kept checking on Tom Brady.
Experts say that during a polar vortex, you shouldn’t leave items like, beer, eggs, and medicine in your car. Though if that’s what you’re keeping in your car, the Polar Vortex is the least of your problems.
Federal employees returned to work this week. Though one woman says when she got back to her office, she had over 4,000 unread emails. Even worse: they were all from one employee who kept writing, “WHERE IS EVERYBODY?”
Trump’s Acting Attorney General says that Robert Mueller’s investigation is close to being finished. It’s been almost two years -- even Colton the Bachelor was like, “I don’t know how much longer I can wait.”
The 2020 presidential election is heating up, and former Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz might run as an independent. Well, now some Democrats are threatening to boycott Starbucks. Then Starbucks said, “Go ahead, the food in the display case will still be here when you get back.”
Democrats might boycott Starbucks. You can tell 7-Eleven is excited, cuz they just replaced the coffee pot that’s been on the burner all week.
Chris Christie’s new tell-all book came out today, and it has some pretty shocking revelations about Trump. You’re not gonna believe this, but it turns out Trump has no idea what he’s doing.
Christie’s book, “Let Me Finish,” is now available. And Christie’s trying something different – instead of hardcover or paperback, he’s offering it in hard shell or soft tortilla.
Denmark is building a 43 mile-long fence along its border with Germany to keep out wild pigs. And just to mess with Trump, Mexico agreed to pay for it.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.30.19
The whole country is dealing with crazy weather right now. Today, the Polar Vortex brought the coldest temperatures in 20 years to parts of the Midwest. And Midwesterners were so upset, they ALMOST started cursing. “Gosh darnit, it’s flipping freezing!”
An 80 year-old crossing guard in Iowa said the cold won’t stop him from doing his job. Then his boss said, “Nothing stops him – we fired that guy 40 years ago.”
Well today, Trump made headlines when he called U.S. intelligence officials “passive and naïve.” Yeah, “Passive and Naïve.” It sounds like a buddy cop show starring Mike Pence and Donald Trump.
The Super Bowl is this Sunday and on game day, a marijuana dispensary in Oregon is delivering pizza AND weed. When they heard that, every Domino’s delivery guy was like, “Oh please, we’ve been doing that for years.”
I heard that soon, you might start seeing personalized TV ads that are based on your habits. It’s fun until you’re watching the Super Bowl with friends, and the Cialis commercial is footage of YOU in the bathtub.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.31.19
I’m so glad you guys are here – and I promise that by the end of the show, you should be all thawed out.
It was freezing cold in New York City today. With the wind chill, it was down to negative 17. Even crazier - that's still higher than Trump's approval rating.
It’s been brutal out there, and I saw that yesterday a bunch of colleges were closed. This morning, it was still so cold, students were doing the RUN of shame.
It is so cold...earlier today, the Empire State Building shrunk 50 floors.
It is so cold...Ariana Grande got a Japanese tattoo that means, “Tiny space heater.”
It is so cold...Canadian geese are wearing Canada Goose jackets.
It is so cold...Trump is actually enjoying getting burned by Nancy Pelosi.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 2.1.19
Super Bowl 53 is on Sunday! Which means we’re just a few days away from your drunk friend walking in front of the TV at a crucial moment.
I love the Super Bowl. Every year, I watch the game on a hundred inch TV -- until Best Buy says, “Sir, we need you to leave.”
A 30-second ad costs five million dollars, but it’ll be worth it when people watching are like, “Oh yeah! I totally forgot about Amazon, Bud Light, and Google.”
Five million dollars for 30 seconds. The president said, “That’s crazy - 30 seconds only cost me 130,000 dollars.”
I heard about a man in Arizona who just set a world record by stacking 353 Jenga blocks. Or as one guy put it, “Maybe HE can build the wall!”

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: February 4 – 11

Monday, February 4: Guests include Christoph Waltz, Rory Mcllroy and a performance from The Band’s Visit. Show 1008

Tuesday, February 5: Guests include Priyanka Chopra, Savannah Guthrie, Henry Winkler and musical guest Lizzo. Show 1009

Wednesday, February 6: Guests include Liam Hemsworth, Jessica Williams and musical guest Ronnie Milsap Ft. Little Big Town. Show 1010

Thursday, February 7: Guests include Kim Kardashian West, James Cameron and Christina Tosi. Show 1011

Friday, February 8: Guests include Rebel Wilson, Willie Geist, Nathan Macintosh and Erykah Badu sits in with The Roots. Show 1012

**Monday, February 11: Guests include Stephen Merchant and musical guest Metro Boomin ft. Gunna. Show 1013

These listings are subject to change.
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'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: February 1 – 8

Friday, February 1: Guests include Anthony Mackie, Tim Gunn and Matthew Broussard. Show 1007

Monday, February 4: Guests include Christoph Waltz, Rory Mcllroy and a performance from The Band’s Visit. Show 1008

**Tuesday, February 5: Guests include Priyanka Chopra, Savannah Guthrie, Henry Winkler and musical guest Lizzo. Show 1009

Wednesday, February 6: Guests include Liam Hemsworth, Jessica Williams and musical guest Ronnie Milsap Ft. Little Big Town. Show 1010

**Thursday, February 7: Guests include Kim Kardashian West, James Cameron and Christina Tosi. Show 1011

**Friday, February 8: Guests include Rebel Wilson, Willie Geist, Nathan Macintosh and Erykah Badu sits in with The Roots. Show 1012

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: January 30 – February 6

Wednesday, January 30: Guests include Kenan Thompson, Luis Fonsi and musical guest Luis Fonsi. Show 1005

Thursday, January 31: Guests Include Seth Meyers, Danai Gurira and Dan White. Show 1006

Friday, February 1: Guests include Anthony Mackie, Tim Gunn and Matthew Broussard. Show 1007

Monday, February 4: Guests include Christopher Waltz, Rory Mcllroy and a performance from The Band’s Visit. Show 1008

**Tuesday, February 5: Guests include Priyanka Chopra, Henry Winkler and musical guest Lizzo. Show 1009

**Wednesday, February 6: Guests include Liam Hemsworth, Jessica Williams and musical guest Ronnie Milsap Ft. Little Big Town. Show 1010

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' January 21 – January 25

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.21.19
Well you guys, it was just five degrees in New York City today! It was so cold, hot dog vendors were complaining about shrinkage.

It was freezing outside here in New York. You’ve gotta be careful out there. If you start feeling symptoms of confusion or memory loss – you’re either suffering from hypothermia, or you’re Rudy Giuliani.

But temperatures are below-freezing all over the country. Up in Boston, two Patriots fans high-fived and their hands just shattered. 

I saw that during the game, CBS commentator Tony Romo was actually predicting what was gonna happen before each play. Then every guy watching at home was like, “Oh sure, but when I do it, I’m ruining the Super Bowl party.”

And the LA Rams are also going to the Super Bowl! Yesterday, they beat the New Orleans Saints, and at one point, when a Saints receiver was tackled, his pants came off. So it turns out there were TWO "super moons" last night.

Let’s get to some news here. Today is Day 31 of the government shutdown. Now that the shutdown is over 30, Democrats are just hoping Trump will start to lose interest.

Well on Saturday, Trump gave a speech where he offered a deal to Democrats to end the shutdown. If you missed it, Trump basically said, “You give me the border wall, and in return, I’ll let you give me the border wall.”

Here’s another big story. The website BuzzFeed reported that Trump told Michael Cohen to lie to Congress, but then Robert Mueller’s team said that report wasn’t accurate. So turns out, Mueller was just mad cuz he took a BuzzFeed quiz about which “Friends” character he is, and he got Gunther.

Well as I mentioned earlier, last night, there was a “Super Blood Wolf Moon,” and lots of people posted photos of it on Instagram. Then the moon was like “OMG untag me, I look so big!”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.22.19
Throughout the country, people are dealing with freezing temperatures. All day long, New Yorkers struggled with how to give each other the finger while wearing mittens. 

Well you guys, nominations for the Academy Awards were announced early this morning by Tracee Ellis Ross and Kumail Nanjiani. So if you're keeping track, they found two people to wake up at 5AM to read the nominations, but still no one to host the show.

I saw that Christian Bale was nominated for his role in “Vice,” while Bradley Cooper and Sam Elliot were nominated for “A Star Is Born.” They were actually all nominated in the same category: “Best Achievement In Growling.” 

I read that “Mary Poppins Returns” was shut out of all the major categories. You can tell Marry Poppins was upset – today, her spoonful of sugar was cut with a liiittle bit of Xanax.
But the film “Roma” led the way with 10 nominations, including “Best Director,” “Best Actress,” and “Best Supporting Actress” – all of whom are Mexican. That's the good news. The bad news is Trump now wants to shut down the Academy Awards. 

Well you guys, it’s Day 32 of the government shutdown, and I read that a record 10 percent of TSA workers are now skipping work. So if you've ever wanted to sneak a bottle of water onto a plane, now's your chance!

Guys, listen to this. To end the shutdown, an Arizona lawmaker wants to fund Trump's border wall by taxing porn. Experts say that if we do, the wall will be finished by Friday.
Actually, I read that lately, there's been a big spike in traffic on adult websites in Washington, and people think it’s due to the government shutdown. When asked for comment, every male Senator was like, “Uh, just a minute! Don’t come in yet!”
Oh, I saw that today is Donald and Melania’s 14th wedding anniversary. And they celebrated the way most couples do after 14 years – they didn't.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.23.19
You guys, this is our 1,000th show! I’m not sure what’s crazier -- that we’ve done 1,000 shows, or that the government has been shut down for almost all of them.
That’s right. It’s Day 33 of the government shutdown, and experts warn that if it continues, the economy might not grow in the first quarter. Then President Trump said, “That’s okay, we’ll make up for it in the 5th and 6th quarters.”

And did you guys hear what’s going on with the whole State of the Union thing? First, Nancy Pelosi told Trump, “You can’t give the speech in the House.” And then today, Trump sent a letter saying, “I’m doing it in the House.” Then later today, Pelosi sent him a letter that said, “Oh no, you’re not.” She said she won’t allow the speech in the House while the government is shut down, but he is welcome if they can mutually agree on a date. When Trump asked Pelosi what date, she said, “February 41st.” 

And due to the shutdown, I heard that the State Department had to cancel a major conference on border security. When asked if he saw the irony in it, Trump was like, “Irony. Steel. I don’t care what metal the wall is made of.”

Oh, get this. Trump’s former lawyer Michael Cohen is delaying his Congress testimony because he says he’s been threatened by Trump, which could actually be witness tampering. So now Trump’s being investigated for collusion, obstruction, AND witness tampering -- or as Robert Mueller put it, “I got Bingo!”

And finally – did you hear about this? – flights in and out of Newark Airport were delayed yesterday when a small drone was spotted flying near the airport. Then United Airlines said, “Actually that's our new ‘Basic Economy’ plane."

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.24.19
Well you guys, it was freezing earlier this week, but today in Washington, it was almost 60 degrees. It was so warm, President Trump spent the day fanning himself with his unused State of The Union speech.

But it’s true. Trump delayed his State of the Union, and now people are saying that Pelosi “owned” him. Then Putin said, “Stay in your lane girl.”

Guys, federal workers aren’t happy about the shutdown. Air traffic controllers just issued a statement saying that it’s created a lot of stress. Then airline pilots were like, “Try drinking, it helps.”

And get this. The shutdown might also delay the release of new wines. When asked how they feel about it, wine makers said, “Bitter, with hints of anger and resentment.”

But here’s some good news. A marijuana company is giving out free weed to government workers. Which is why a bunch of TSA agents are staring at their security wands like, “Duuude, I’m Harry Potter!”

Free weed for federal workers. So guess what travelers? That TSA line CAN get slower.
Hey guys, the Super Bowl is just 10 days away! I saw that CBS wants to interview Trump before the game. They called Trump and said it’s important for the nation to hear from the person in charge. So Trump was like, “Hang on, I’ll transfer you to Nancy Pelosi.”
Here’s some entertainment news. This spring, Netflix is debuting a “Baby Shark” TV show. When they heard, parents reacted like the people in “Bird Box” who took off their blindfolds.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.25.19
Let’s get to some news. I heard that President Trump is planning to have his second meeting with North Korean leader Kim Jong Un next month, but so far, no date has been announced. Which means right now, Melania is like, “Please be Valentine’s Day...Please be Valentine’s Day...”

Some more news. I saw the plans for the tower President Trump wanted to build in Moscow were leaked, and it was gonna have a luxury spa named after Ivanka Trump. It’s expected to attract way more customers than the hair salon named after Donald.

Guys, listen to this. A new poll found that California Senator Kamala Harris is currently leading the 2020 Democratic field. You can tell Bernie Sanders is nervous, cuz he was just spotted pouring vodka in his applesauce.

More TV news. I heard that CBS is refusing to air an ad that calls for legalizing weed during the Super Bowl. Instead, they're just gonna air one of those Matthew McConaughey ads that makes you feel like you’re high.

Speaking of the Super Bowl. I read that the stadium in Atlanta that’s hosting has a Chick-fil-A, but it’s closed on Super Bowl Sunday. What are they doing?! That’s like if the Girl Scouts decided to STOP selling cookies on 4/20.

Get this. A billionaire just bought a 238 million dollar penthouse overlooking Central Park, and it’s the most anyone has ever paid for a home in the U.S. But since it’s New York, he’s still gotta live with three roommates.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: January 28 – February 4

Monday, January 28: Guests include Shaquille O'Neal, Colin Quinn and musical guest 21 Savage. Show 1003 

**Tuesday, January 29: Guests include Matthew Broderick, Spike Lee, Maddie Ziegler, Alysa Liu and musical guest Yo Gotti Ft. Lil Baby. Show 1004

Wednesday, January 30: Guests include Kenan Thompson, Luis Fonsi and musical guest Luis Fonsi. Show 1005

Thursday, January 31: Guests include Seth Meyers, Danai Gurira and Dan White. Show 1006

Friday, February 1: Guests include Anthony Mackie, Tim Gunn and Matthew Broussard. Show 1007

**Monday, February 4: Guests include Christopher Waltz, Rory Mcllroy and a performance from The Band’s Visit. Show 1008

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: January 25 – February 1

Friday, January 25: Guests include Matt LeBlanc, Nikki & Brie Bella and Jo Firestone. Show 1002

Monday, January 28: Guests include Shaquille O'Neal, Colin Quinn and musical guest 21 Savage. Show 1003 

Tuesday, January 29: Guests include Matthew Broderick, Maddie Ziegler and musical guest Yo Gotti Ft. Lil Baby. Show 1004

Wednesday, January 30: Guests include Kenan Thompson, Luis Fonsi and musical guest Luis Fonsi. Show 1005

**Thursday, January 31: Guests include Seth Meyers, Danai Gurira and Dan White. Show 1006

**Friday, February 1: Guests include Anthony Mackie, Tim Gunn and Matthew Broussard. Show 1007

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: January 23 – 30

**Wednesday, January 23: Guests include Molly Shannon, Zachary Quinto and Robert Irwin. Show 1000

**Thursday, January 24: Guests include Jada Pinkett Smith and musical guest Backstreet Boys. Show 1001

Friday, January 25: Guests include Matt LeBlanc, Nikki & Brie Bella and Jo Firestone. Show 1002

**Monday, January 28: Guests include Shaquille O'Neal, Colin Quinn and musical guest 21 Savage. Show 1003 

**Tuesday, January 29: Guests include Matthew Broderick, Maddie Ziegler and musical guest Yo Gotti Ft. Lil Baby. Show 1004

**Wednesday, January 30: Guests include Kenan Thompson, Luis Fonsi and musical guest Luis Fonsi. Show 1005

These listings are subject to change.
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QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' January 14 – January 18

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.14.19
The producers of “Game of Thrones” just announced that the show will be back in 90 days, on April 14th. Then President Trump said, “Ditto for the government!”
That’s right, the government shutdown is now the longest in U.S. history. I’m not saying things are bleak, but right now, Washington D.C. looks like an abandoned Toys R Us.
On Friday, around 800,000 federal employees missed their first paychecks, and instead, they got an “I.O.U.” Things are so bad, federal workers are crossing the border to look for jobs in Mexico.
It’s not good. TSA agents aren’t getting paid, and one of them said that morale is approaching “rock bottom.” You can tell TSA agents are depressed, cuz when they see mouthwash in your carry-on, they drink it.
The shutdown hasn’t been good for Trump either. A new poll found that his approval rating is the lowest it’s been in a year. To give you an idea of how bad it is -- Trump’s approval rating is at 43 percent, while R. Kelly’s is at 44.
It came out that back in 2017, the FBI started investigating whether Trump was secretly working for Russia. When asked if Trump ever worked for him, Vladimir Putin said, “No. He was more like unpaid intern.”
On Fox News this weekend, Judge Jeanine asked Trump if he’d ever worked for Putin, and he called it, “The most insulting thing I’ve ever been asked.” Well, other than the time when Stormy Daniels said, “...was that it?”
I saw that Washington D.C. was hit with a big storm, and got a foot of snow. Yeah, the storm showed up and was like, “Wait, how is everything already shutdown?”
Some celebrity news. This weekend, Chris Pratt got engaged to Arnold Schwarzenegger’s daughter. Pratt would’ve proposed sooner, but when he asked Arnold for permission, he had no idea what he said.
It was just confirmed that Maroon 5 is playing this year’s Super Bowl halftime show. Yeah, we get to see Adam Levine at a football game -- but somehow he’ll still have the tightest pants.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.16.19
Last night we had our big show in Puerto Rico! And I’m happy to report the island is open for business -- while our government still is not.
The federal government has been closed for 26 days, and experts say the shutdown could cause the economy to shrink. Then the president said, “No, it’s only shrinking cuz it’s cold outside.”
Today, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi said that due to the shutdown, Trump should postpone his State of the Union address, or do it in writing. Which explains why Trump just asked Twitter to raise the character limit to 50,000 words.
A lot of people are calling Pelosi’s decision a real power move. Even Vladimir Putin was like, “Damn, she is NOT here to make friends.”
But despite the shutdown, the FDA is trying to restart their inspections of “risky” foods. Though so far, it’s just one guy going, “Does this smell bad to you? Try it.”
The CEO of Delta said the shutdown has already cost the airline 25 million dollars. But he’s not that worried, cuz they’ll make it all back if two people pay to check their bags.
People have been saying that Trump has been bored during the shutdown, and is spending a lot of time looking out windows. You know, until one of his staffers finally taps him on the shoulder and says, “Sir, that’s a microwave.”
Here’s another big story. Confirmation hearings are underway for Trump’s pick for Attorney General, William Barr. When Barr asked Jeff Sessions if he had any advice, Sessions just looked at him and said, “Run.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.17.19
It’s Day 27 of the government shutdown, and I read that President Trump is starting to lose support from key members of his base. When he heard, Trump was like, “Oh no! The Russians don’t like me anymore?!”
Due to the shutdown, yesterday House Speaker Nancy Pelosi sent Trump a letter telling him to postpone the State of the Union. Then today, Trump sent Pelosi a letter, cancelling her trip to Afghanistan. I don’t know what’s worse: that our leaders are fighting, or that they’re still writing LETTERS.
Last night, Rudy Giuliani went on CNN, and said that collusion between Trump’s campaign and Russia might have happened. I’m not saying the interview was bad, but the Democrats who were standing-by to give a rebuttal were like, “Actually, we’re good.”
It just came out that in 2015, Trump’s lawyer Michael Cohen paid someone to rig polls for Trump using a Walmart bag filled with cash. Today, people were like, “C’mon, be classy – AT LEAST hand it over in a Target bag.”
I heard that Disneyland has a new brewery. When asked if having a few beers at Disney helps them deal with their kids, parents were like “Kids? Oh crap the kids!”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.18.19
A polar vortex is supposed to hit the East Coast this weekend, and temperatures are expected to drop below freezing. You can tell it’s cold – cuz today Trump and Nancy Pelosi were cuddling for warmth. That’s right, a “polar vortex” – it may not mean much to you, but your local weatherman just spent all day shot-gunning Red Bulls.
The federal government has now been shut down for exactly four weeks. It’s a big deal, cuz if your government shutdown lasts longer than four weeks, you’re supposed to call a doctor.
The government’s been shut down for 28 days. At this point, the shutdown has lasted longer than anyone who’s ever worked at the White House. And it seems like there’s no end in sight. You can tell Trump’s desperate to get money for his wall, cuz earlier today, he proposed to Jeff Bezos.
Lately, a bunch of Democrats have announced that they’re running for president DURING the shutdown. But they might want to wait -- that’s like standing up during a funeral and yelling, “You guys, I’m engaged!”
To earn money, I read that some TSA agents are now driving for Uber. You know your Uber driver is a TSA agent when they don’t offer you a bottle of water -- they take away yours.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: January 18 – 25

Friday, January 18: Guests include Elizabeth Banks, Sebastian Maniscalco and Martha Stewart. Show 997

Monday, January 21: Guests include Kerry Washington, JoJo Siwa and musical guest Joe Jackson. Show 998

Tuesday, January 22: Guests include Gina Rodriguez, Lil Rel Howery and musical guest Brothers Osborne. Show 999

Wednesday, January 23: Guests include Molly Shannon, Robert Irwin and musical guest Offset. Show 1000

**Thursday, January 24: Guests include Jada Pinkett Smith, Steve Coogan and musical guest Backstreet Boys. Show 1001

**Friday, January 25: Guests include Matt LeBlanc, Nikki & Brie Bella and Jo Firestone. Show 1002

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: January 16 – 23

Wednesday, January 16: Guests include Don Cheadle, Rita Ora and musical guest Rita Ora. Show 995

**Thursday, January 17: Guests include Rachel Brosnahan, Howie Mandel and Roy Wood Jr. Show 996

**Friday, January 18: Guests include Elizabeth Banks, Sebastian Maniscalco and Martha Stewart. Show 997

**Monday, January 21: Guests include Kerry Washington, JoJo Siwa and musical guest Joe Jackson. Show 998

**Tuesday, January 22: Guests include Gina Rodriguez, Lil Rel Howery and musical guest Brothers Osborne. Show 999

**Wednesday, January 23: Guests include Molly Shannon, Robert Irwin and musical guest Offset. Show 1000

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' January 7 – January 11

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.7.19
It’s our first show of 2019! And the government shutdown is entering its third week with no end in sight. Right now, it’s tough to say what will last longer – the government shutdown or your neighbor’s Christmas decorations.
Well, President Trump is refusing to end the shutdown until he gets 5 billion dollars for a border wall. But Democrats have a plan: they’re gonna make Trump wear one of those blindfolds from “Bird Box” and just tell him there’s a wall.
I read that an Arizona woman sent a man more than 159,000 texts after they went on one date. When asked why she did it, the woman was like “Why? Did he ask about me?”
And finally tonight was the season premiere of “The Bachelor.” And the new bachelor is Colton, an ex-NFL player who says he’s still a virgin. He says it’s a little old-fashioned, but he just believes in waiting until he finds the right 30 women.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.8.19
Earlier tonight President Trump gave his first-ever primetime address from the Oval Office. He would’ve done it last night, but he knew interrupting “The Bachelor” would get him impeached.
That’s right, Trump went on TV to make the case for a border wall. Though it got weird when he held up a picture of the wall and said, “And it can all be yours for five easy payments of one billion dollars!”
This week, the White House was caught several times making up statistics about the border situation. In response, Trump said, “That’s a lie – and 150 percent of people agree with me.”
Well, Trump’s address aired on all the major networks, including NBC, CBS, ABC and even Telemundo. Later on, when Trump saw his speech dubbed in Spanish on Telemundo, he had himself deported.
Of course, today was the 18th day of the government shutdown, and I heard that Secret Service agents have been working without pay. Trump knows they’re mad at him, cuz when he walks by, they go, “Barf Bag is on the move.”
And finally, I read about a 94 year-old woman in Utah who is Arby’s oldest employee. When asked what it’s like to work with her, the manager said, “Oh thank God, you can see her too.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.9.19
You guys, I hope you’re all enjoying New York City! Today it was 45 degrees and slightly breezy – or as the president calls that, “A National Crisis!”
That’s right, Trump spoke last night about the border, and in his speech, Trump criticized Democrats, insulted immigrants and said we need a wall. By the end, anyone playing a Trump drinking game was like, “Call an ambulance!”
But most people said that Trump didn’t say anything new and just repeated what he’s been saying for years. In other words, Trump’s speech was like every phone call with your dad.
But I read that Trump’s staff was happy with the speech and thought he was calm and controlled. Then Melania was like, “I crushed-up 20 Benadryls and put them in his food.”
Did you guys hear this? Amazon founder Jeff Bezos and his wife are splitting up. But on the bright side, he has a lot of extra boxes to pack up his things.
And finally, I heard that Denver could become the first city in America to decriminalize magic mushrooms. They’re the first ones to realize that the only way Americans will eat vegetables is if they’re also drugs.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.10.19
I saw that today, federal workers protested the shutdown outside the White House. It didn’t help when Trump opened a window and yelled, “Don’t you have jobs to go to?!”
Due to the shutdown, the FDA has rolled back their food inspections. Or as romaine lettuce put it, “I’m back baby!”
Today, Trump also said he’s prepared to declare a “national emergency” to get money for his border wall. It’s pretty historic for Trump, cuz it’ll be the first thing he declares that’s not bankruptcy.
I saw that “Fox & Friends” host Brian Kilmeade said Trump using a national emergency to get the wall would set a “terrible precedent.” Then Trump said, “Wait, what did you just call me?! I’m a great precedent!”
Lady Gaga apologized for making a song with R. Kelly back in 2013. Gaga said she hopes her fans can move on from this embarrassing moment and enjoy her new duet with Kevin Spacey.
And finally I read that during his meeting with Democrats yesterday, Trump got so mad that he stormed out of the room. It was the first time Trump did something “stormy” without having to pay 130,000 dollars.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 1.11.19
I heard that the Academy Awards are planning to move forward without a host. It sounds crazy until you remember that America has been moving forward without a government.
Well, it just came out that last year, Robert Mueller secretly interviewed one of Trump’s campaign pollsters, Tony Fabrizio. Which is impressive, cuz usually when you have a secret meeting with a guy named “Tony Fabrizio,” you don’t come back.
And I saw that next month, Trump’s longtime lawyer Michael Cohen is going to testify publicly in Congress. Trump heard and was like, “While you’re there, ask to borrow 5.7 billion dollars.”
Disneyland is raising its prices, and the cheapest ticket will be over 100 dollars. They know it’s kinda shocking – which is why they take your picture the moment you find out the price.
A gas shortage in Mexico could mean that avocados aren’t delivered to the US before Super Bowl Sunday. It’s the first time gas will affect Mexican food, and not the other way around.

SPECIAL GUESTS JOIN ‘THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON’ FROM PUERTO RICO ON TUESDAY, JAN. 15

In Addition to Previously Announced Performance from “Hamilton” with Lin-Manuel Miranda, Award-Winning Chef José Andrés, Musical Artists Bad Bunny, José Feliciano and Ozuna Will Join Telecast
NEW YORK – Jan. 10, 2019 – Special guests and new details are coming together for the Tuesday, Jan. 15 telecast of NBC’s “The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” from Puerto Rico, which will focus on celebrating the spirit and culture of the island in its efforts to rebuild and raise awareness following the devastating hurricane that struck the U.S. territory on Sept. 20, 2017. 

Tony, Grammy, Emmy and Pulitzer Prize winner Lin-Manuel Miranda and the new touring cast will be featured in an exclusive performance of “The Story of Tonight” from the blockbuster musical “Hamilton.” Miranda, who will also be interviewed by Fallon on the Jan. 15 show, will hit the stage at the Luis A. Ferré Performing Arts Center in Puerto Rico beginning Jan. 11.

“It means the world to me and my family — both on and off the island — that Jimmy is breaking with the traditional late-night mold to celebrate the beauty and culture of Puerto Rico,” Miranda said. “For NBC and ‘The Tonight Show’ to invest in the island and its people will not only help promote tourism but also shine a spotlight on the island’s rich heritage. My family, along with ‘Hamilton,’ is dedicated to continuing to aid in Puerto Rico’s strive for prosperity and we are thankful to be able to call Jimmy and ‘The Tonight Show’ team friends and partners in this mission.”

Additional guests joining the special edition of “The Tonight Show” include world renowned and award-winning chef and humanitarian José Andrés, whose World Central Kitchen quickly mobilized following Hurricane Maria to ensure communities in need received quality meals, ultimately serving over 3.7 million meals with the help of over 20,000 volunteers. While taking Fallon on a culinary adventure, Andrés will discuss the ongoing work of World Central Kitchen in Puerto Rico, where they’re revitalizing the island’s food economy with grants and training for local smallholder farmers. Puerto Rico native and Latin Urban superstar Bad Bunny will perform his hit single “MIA,” which reached #5 on the Billboard Hot 100 chart; and iconic Puerto Rican musician and multi-Grammy winner José Feliciano will also appear with Ozuna and perform the song “En Mi Viejo San Juan.”

“Being able to perform on Jimmy Fallon last year was a highlight for me and I’m so grateful for the opportunity I was given,” said Bad Bunny. “I was able to represent Puerto Rico and give light to the fact that the aftermath of the hurricane still needed attention. Now being part of this special show on my beautiful island is a blessing. The world is going to see that while we’re still recovering we, as a community, have the best spirit, are happy, are dancing, playing music and enjoying our amazing food because ‘Estamos Bien.’”

Puerto Rico has long been known for its vibrant culture. During the episode Fallon will be venturing around the island showcasing its breathtaking beauty and experiencing some of the exciting activities that Puerto Rico has to offer.

From Universal Television and Broadway Video, “The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” is executive produced by Lorne Michaels and Jim Bell serves as Executive in Charge. The show is produced by Gerard Bradford and Katie Hockmeyer, and Jamie Granet-Bederman produces. “The Tonight Show” tapes before a live studio audience from Studio 6B in 30 Rockefeller Center.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: January 9 – 16

Wednesday, January 9: Guests include Gwyneth Paltrow, Tony Hale and musical guest Trippie Redd. Show 990

Thursday, January 10: Guests include Bryan Cranston, Lana Condor and musical guest Love Jones. Show 991.

Friday, January 11: Guests include Michael B. Jordan, Cobie Smulders and Sean Finnerty. Show 992

Monday, January 14: Guests include Samuel L. Jackson, Judd Apatow and musical guest MØ. Show 993

**Tuesday, January 15: From Puerto Rico guests include Lin-Manuel Miranda. Show 994

**Wednesday, January 16: Guests include Don Cheadle, Rita Ora and musical guest Rita Ora. Show 995

These listings are subject to change.
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'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: January 7 – 14

Monday, January 7: Guests include James Spader, Lindsay Lohan and musical guest Noname Ft. Smino & Saba. Show 988

Tuesday, January 8: Guests include Andy Samberg, Alfonso Cuarón and musical guest Dan + Shay. Show 989

Wednesday, January 9: Guests include Gwyneth Paltrow, Tony Hale and musical guest Trippie Redd. Show 990

Thursday, January 10: Guests include Bryan Cranston, Lana Condor and musical guest Love Jones. Show 991.

**Friday, January 11: Guests include Michael B. Jordan, Cobie Smulders and Sean Finnerty. Show 992

**Monday, January 14: Guests include Samuel L. Jackson, Judd Apatow and musical guest MØ. Show 993

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: January 3 – 10

Thursday, January 3: Guests include Jason Momoa, J.K. Simmons and Joe Machi. OAD 12/6/18

Friday, January 4: Guests include Benedict Cumberbatch, Minka Kelly and Orlando Leyba. OAD 11/2/18

Monday, January 7: Guests include James Spader, Lindsay Lohan and musical guest Noname Ft. Smino & Saba. Show 988

Tuesday, January 8: Guests include Andy Samberg, Alfonso Cuarón and musical guest Dan + Shay. Show 989

Wednesday, January 9: Guests include Gwyneth Paltrow, Tony Hale and musical guest Trippie Redd. Show 990

**Thursday, January 10: Guests include Bryan Cranston, Lana Condor and musical guest Love Jones. Show 991.

These listings are subject to change.
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'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: January 2 – 9

Wednesday, January 2: Guests include Michelle Obama and musical guest Ariana Grande. OAD 12/18/18

Thursday, January 3: Guests include Jason Momoa, J.K. Simmons and Joe Machi. OAD 12/6/18

Friday, January 4: Guests include Benedict Cumberbatch, Minka Kelly and Orlando Leyba. OAD 11/2/18

**Monday, January 7: Guests include James Spader, Lindsay Lohan and musical guest Noname Ft. Smino & Saba. Show 988

**Tuesday, January 8: Guests include Andy Samberg, Alfonso Cuarón and musical guest Dan + Shay. Show 989

**Wednesday, January 9: Guests include Gwyneth Paltrow, Tony Hale and musical guest Trippie Redd. Show 990

These listings are subject to change.
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QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' December 17 – December 20

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.17.18
I’m so excited about this, you guys. Lin-Manuel Miranda is my guest tonight! He can sing, he can dance, he can act – right now I feel like I’m cheating on Justin Timberlake.
Christmas is just eight days away! And even President Trump is in the holiday spirit. Today he asked if he could replace the border wall with a line of high-kicking Rockettes.
Actually, the big story is that Trump might shut down the government if he doesn’t get 5 billion dollars for his border wall. And he wants 5 billion more to hire Aquaman to guard the ocean between Miami and Cuba.
Did you guys hear about this? Mick Mulvaney has agreed to become Trump’s Acting Chief of Staff, but says he only wants to do the job for six months. You can tell working for Trump is tough, cuz people are quitting before they even start.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.18.18
You guys, we have Michelle Obama on the show tonight! We have music from Ariana Grande! That’s right, Michelle Obama and Ariana Grande – in other words, your next President and Vice President!
Well right now, Michelle Obama’s new memoir, “Becoming,” is the number one book on Amazon. While the number two is a children’s book called “The Wonky Donkey.” Which means there’s a book about Michelle Obama and a book about President Trump.
I saw that “Becoming” is 448 pages long. And it’s a good thing Barack didn’t do the audiobook, or it’d be 448 hours.
Well, I read that Trump actually hates going to Christmas parties cuz he has to stand in line shaking hands for hours. But when staffers realized it kept him off Twitter, they just kept adding people to the line.
Some entertainment news. I heard that former “Fresh Prince” star Alfonso Ribeiro is suing the makers of Fortnite for using his famous “Carlton dance” in their game. And then he’s gonna be sued by every guy that’s ever danced at a wedding.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.19.18
Well, I saw that for the holidays, President Trump is spending 16 days in Florida at Mar-a-Lago. You can tell he’s nervous about the Russia investigation, cuz today he said, “Siri, can you swim from Mar-a-Lago to Cuba?”
That’s right – on Friday, Trump is going on a vacation to Florida for 16 days. There’s actually a word for a trip that long: moving.
But here’s the big story. Congress is working on a spending bill to avoid a government shutdown until February. Yeah, the government’s basically staying open month-to-month. I’m not saying we’re in trouble, but if the U.S. were a department store, we’d be Sears.
Yeah, Trump was threatening to shut down the government if Congress didn’t give him 5 billion dollars for a border wall, but now he says he’ll get the money somewhere else. Or as one guy in Moscow put it, “Ugh, I’ll get my checkbook.”
That’s right, Trump says he’ll find another way to get 5 billion dollars for the wall. Which explains why Don Jr. was just spotted on the sidewalk ringing a bell next to a red kettle. “Just do it!”
But you guys, it’s the holiday season, and everyone is in the giving spirit. In fact, Facebook just gave away all your private information.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.20.18
You guys, Christmas is just five days away! And I saw that Google has a Santa Tracker where you can watch Santa’s journey around the world. Not to be outdone, Facebook has a tracker where you can steal Santa’s social security number.
But with just five days until Christmas, we’re reaching the point where any toys you order online won’t arrive in time. Right now, every closed Toys-R-Us is saying, “How you like me now?!”
Well, I heard that a popular gift this year are those personal DNA testing kits. They’re pretty cool. You send in your sample, and then after a few weeks, you get a letter back that says, “Sir, that cup was for saliva.”
I saw that tomorrow, President Trump leaves for a 16-day trip to Mar-a-Lago, where he’ll have his annual Christmas party. And just to mess with him, the only song the DJ will play is “Feliz Navidad.”
Here’s another big story. Trump wants to go against his advisors and pull U.S. troops out of Syria. I’m not sure Trump should be making this decision, cuz he thinks “Syria” is the voice on his iPhone. “Syria, build me a border wall.”
Listen to this. In a speech this morning, Russian President Vladimir Putin said that he’d like to get married again someday. Very interesting – when you see Putin on Tinder and try to swipe left, your phone says, “Try again.”
Check this out. I heard that Budweiser is partnering with a medical marijuana company to make weed-infused beer. Budweiser said, “If 2019 is anything like 2018, you’re gonna want this.”
That’s right, Budweiser is making beer with marijuana. There’s actually a name for beer that’s infused with weed: Nyquil.
Get this. I read that workout clothes made out of velvet are becoming very popular. Velvet workout clothes, or as it’s known in New Jersey, “Formalwear.”

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: DECEMBER 20 – January 4

Thursday, December 20: Guests include Felicity Jones, Jimmy Carr and musical guest Bebe Rexha. Show 986

Friday, December 21: Best of 2018. Show 987

Monday, December 24: Pre-empted.

Tuesday, December 25: Guests include Jerry Seinfeld, Brian Regan and Robert Irwin. OAD 11/22/18

Wednesday, December 26: Guests include Jennifer Lopez, Robert Klein and musical guest J Balvin. OAD 12/11/18

**Thursday, December 27: Guests include Miley Cyrus, Regina King and musical guest Chloe x Halle. OAD 12/13/18

**Friday, December 28: Guests include Dolly Parton, Nick Kroll and musical guest Dolly Parton. OAD 11/30/18

**Monday, December 31: Guests include Lin-Manuel Miranda, Tyler ‘Ninja’ Blevins and musical guest Black Thought ft. Salaam Remi. OAD 12/17/18

**Tuesday, January 1: Guests include Emma Stone, Bridget Everett and Finesse Mitchell. OAD 11/8/18

**Wednesday, January 2: Guests include Michelle Obama and musical guest Ariana Grande. OAD 12/18/18

**Thursday, January 3: Guests include Jason Momoa, J.K. Simmons and Joe Machi. OAD 12/6/18

**Friday, January 4: Guests include Benedict Cumberbatch, Minka Kelly and Orlando Leyba. OAD 11/2/18

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: DECEMBER 19 – 26

Wednesday, December 19: Guests include Willem Dafoe, Hailee Steinfeld and musical guest Hailee Steinfeld. Show 985

Thursday, December 20: Guests include Felicity Jones, Jimmy Carr and musical guest Bebe Rexha. Show 986

**Friday, December 21: Best of 2018. Show 987

**Monday, December 24: Pre-empted.

**Tuesday, December 25: Guests include Jerry Seinfeld, Brian Regan, and Robert Irwin. OAD 11/22/18

**Wednesday, December 26: Guests include Jennifer Lopez, Robert Klein and musical guest J Balvin. OAD 12/11/18

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: DECEMBER 18 – 20

**Tuesday, December 18: Guests include Michelle Obama and musical guest Ariana Grande. Show 984

Wednesday, December 19: Guests include Willem Dafoe, Hailee Steinfeld and musical guest Hailee Steinfeld. Show 985

Thursday, December 20: Guests include Felicity Jones, Jimmy Carr and musical guest Bebe Rexha. Show 986

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' December 10 – December 14

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.10.18
I have good news – if anyone here wants to be President Trump’s Chief of Staff, just raise your hand and the job is yours!
That’s right, President Trump’s chief of staff John Kelly is leaving the White House. It didn’t take long to pack up his office because they only things in his desk are some Tylenol and a handle of vodka.
Well, now the administration is looking for a new Chief of Staff to bring order to the White House and improve Trump’s behavior. Which explains their first choice: Mary Poppins.
Actually, one of Mike Pence’s aides was expected to replace Kelly, but he turned Trump down. You know you’re a tough guy to work for when someone says, “Thanks, but I’d rather be stuck in a room all day with Mike Pence.”
I heard that several of Trump’s top choices don’t want the position. At this point, the only job tougher to fill than Chief of Staff is host of the Oscars.
Trump has nominated a former “Fox & Friends” host to be his Ambassador to the UN. Then he nominated Peppa Pig to be his Ambassador to the UK.
Oh, I saw that this weekend, Trump attended the Army vs. Navy football game, where he went on the field and shook hands with players. And he whispered to each one of them, “Will you be my Chief of Staff? Will you be my Chief of Staff?”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.11.18
You guys, tonight was the big results show of “The Voice” right here on NBC! It was pretty intense – the singers with the most votes advance to the finale, while the singer with the least votes has to be White House Chief of Staff.
That’s right, President Trump is still looking for a new Chief of Staff. He says he wants someone that he likes and that will gossip with him. Then his aides were like, “Mr. President, what you’re describing is called ‘a friend.’”
But Trump’s having trouble finding anyone who wants to do the job. Today he was like, “Okay that’s it – get me an illegal immigrant.”
Actually, I read that Trump is now considering former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie for the job. It’s not a bad idea – the White House would get a Chief of Staff and a Santa for the office holiday party.
Some local news here. The other day, a woman in Pennsylvania gave birth in a Taco Bell parking lot. The manager was like, “Come inside!” And the woman said, “It’s cleaner out here!”
Yeah, she gave birth in the parking lot of a Taco Bell. She would’ve gone inside and used the bathroom, but it already sounded like someone else was giving birth in there.
But this is nice. Instead of a blanket, the manager wrapped the baby in a soft flour tortilla.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.12.18
Guys, if you’re watching from home, you’re in for a great show! And if you’re watching from jail, then you probably worked for the president.
That’s right, today was the big sentencing hearing for Trump’s former lawyer, Michael Cohen. He got 36 months in prison. Or as Trump put it, “That’s like...20 years!”
That’s right, Cohen got three years for arranging illegal hush money payments for Trump. But Cohen said, “Could’ve been worse – I could’ve been sentenced to be White House Chief of Staff.”
Get this. Cohen also has to pay more than one million dollars in restitution. When Trump heard, he said, “A million dollars for restitution? She must be good!”
Trump says he’ll shut down the government if Congress doesn’t give him money for his border wall. So Democrats are just gonna show Trump a photo of the Great Wall of China and tell him it’s already been built.
Well, Trump met with Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer about the border wall yesterday, and it made him so angry, he threw a folder full of papers across the room. It was a mess – there were resignation letters everywhere.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.13.18
You guys, it’s the holiday season! And I read that every day, 750,000 people visit Rockefeller Center. They spend three seconds looking at the tree, then three hours trying to leave. “Sorry, excuse me, move!”
Speaking of the holidays. In a new interview, Donald Trump Jr. said his dad is a “re-gifter.” So when Robert Mueller gives the president a subpoena, he’s just gonna re-gift it to Don Jr.
But there’s so much going on in the news right now – Trump’s former lawyer is going to jail, no one wants to be the White House Chief of Staff, and there’s a chance the government could shut down in nine days. That’s why if you listen closely, you can hear Hillary Clinton singing, “It’s the most wonderful time of the year!”
That’s right, Trump’s legal situation is getting worse and worse. You can tell he’s nervous, cuz he spent all day watching “Legally Blonde” and frantically taking notes. “Bend...and snap!”
Former baseball player Jose Canseco has offered to be Trump’s Chief of Staff. When Trump heard that, he said, “You had me at ‘baseball player,’ and lost me at ‘Jose.’”
On Fox News last night, Melania Trump was interviewed by Sean Hannity. Trump said it was a lot of fun tuning in to watch the love of his life, and also Melania.
And listen to this. Arizona Senator Jeff Flake gave his farewell address on the Senate floor today. There was a touching moment right after it ended when people clapped, and then whispered to each other, “Who was that?”
Some celebrity news. I saw that Kanye West tweeted that he’s trying to get together with Bob Dylan. When he heard that, Bob Dylan was like, “My phone number is a changin.”
I heard about a 102 year-old woman who just became the oldest person ever to go skydiving. And this was cool, at 102 years-old, she was able to use her skin as a parachute.
A man in Florida tried to pay for a hot dog at a gas station using weed. Which is ridiculous, cuz everyone knows Florida gas stations only accept meth.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.14.18
You guys, the holiday season is here! I read that this year, Americans are expected to spend about 700 billion dollars. But keep in mind, half of that is just President Trump paying his lawyers.
Speaking of the president. I read that the Trump administration is easing restrictions on school lunches to allow more chocolate milk. I guess after losing Time’s Person of the Year, Trump is trying to win a Kid’s Choice Award.
There's a new Carnival Cruise ship that will have a roller coaster on its deck. Yeah, a roller coaster on a Carnival Cruise. The captain was like, “One way or another, we’re gonna make you barf.”
Here’s a local story. To save money, New York City is thinking about cleaning the subways less often. Apparently, the annual once-over with a wet nap was just way too expensive.

‘THE TONIGHT SHOW,’ LIN-MANUEL MIRANDA AND ‘HAMILTON’ JOIN FORCES TO SHINE LIGHT ON PUERTO RICO’S RECOVERY ON JAN. 15 TELECAST

Miranda to Appear on Special Episode as He Reprises Lead Role in “Hamilton” on the Island
Telecast to Also Include Exclusive “Hamilton” Performance Starring Miranda and the New Touring Cast Beginning in Puerto Rico
NEW YORK – Dec. 17, 2018 – In conjunction with Tony, Grammy, Emmy and Pulitzer Prize winner Lin-Manuel Miranda’s 24 performances of “Hamilton” in Puerto Rico, “The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” will air a special episode from the island on Jan. 15.
The telecast, in which Miranda will appear, will focus on the spirit and culture of Puerto Rico in its efforts to rebuild and raise awareness following the devastating hurricane that struck the U.S. territory on Sept. 20, 2017. While the telecast will detail how Hurricane Maria caused widespread damage, it will also, just as importantly, be festive and bring a party-like atmosphere to the island that has long been known for fun and celebration.

And just for “Tonight Show” viewers: A rare and exclusive “Hamilton” performance featuring Miranda and the new touring cast beginning in Puerto Rico.

Miranda, who will reprise his lead role in “Hamilton” from Jan. 8-27 at the University of Puerto Rico to raise money for the Flamboyan Arts Fund to benefit the arts, artists and arts institutions as the island continues to recover, starred in the original Broadway cast as well as wrote the book, music and lyrics.

Additional info on “The Tonight Show” telecast from Puerto Rico will be announced at a later date.

From Universal Television and Broadway Video, “The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” is executive produced by Lorne Michaels and Jim Bell serves as Executive in Charge. The show is produced by Katie Hockmeyer and Gerard Bradford, and Jamie Granet-Bederman produces. “The Tonight Show” tapes before a live studio audience from Studio 6B in 30 Rockefeller Center.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: DECEMBER 14 – 20

Friday, December 14: Guests include Armie Hammer, Mark Ronson, and Pete Lee. Show 982

Monday, December 17: Guests include Lin-Manuel Miranda, Tyler ‘Ninja’ Blevins and musical guest Black Thought ft. Salaam Remi. Show 983

**Tuesday, December 18: Guests include Michelle Obama. Show 984

Wednesday, December 19: Guests include Willem Dafoe, Hailee Steinfeld and musical guest Hailee Steinfeld. Show 985

**Thursday, December 20: Guests include Felicity Jones, Jimmy Carr and musical guest Bebe Rexha. Show 986

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: DECEMBER 12 – 19

Wednesday, December 12: Guests include Natalie Portman, Dennis Miller and musical guest Braison Cyrus. Show 980

Thursday, December 13: Guests include Miley Cyrus, Regina King and musical guest Chloe x Halle. Show 981

Friday, December 14: Guests include Armie Hammer, Mark Ronson, and Pete Lee. Show 982

Monday, December 17: Guests include Lin-Manuel Miranda, Tyler ‘Ninja’ Blevins and musical guest Black Thought ft. Salaam Remi. Show 983

Tuesday, December 18: Guests include Michelle Obama and Lil Rel Howery. Show 984

**Wednesday, December 19: Guests include Willem Dafoe, Hailee Steinfeld and musical guest Hailee Steinfeld. Show 985

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: DECEMBER 11 – 18

Tuesday, December 11: Guests include Jennifer Lopez, Robert Klein and musical guest J Balvin. Show 979

Wednesday, December 12: Guests include Natalie Portman, Dennis Miller and musical guest Braison Cyrus. Show 980

Thursday, December 13: Guests include Miley Cyrus, Regina King and musical guest Chloe x Halle. Show 981

Friday, December 14: Guests include Armie Hammer, Mark Ronson and Pete Lee. Show 982

Monday, December 17: Guests include Lin-Manuel Miranda, Tyler ‘Ninja’ Blevins and musical guest Black Thought ft. Salaam Remi. Show 983

**Tuesday, December 18: Guests include Michelle Obama and Lil Rel Howery. Show 984
These listings are subject to change.

**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: DECEMBER 10 – 17

Monday, December 10: Guests include John Mulaney, Vanessa Hudgens and musical guest Grimes. Show 978

Tuesday, December 11: Guests include Jennifer Lopez, Robert Klein and musical guest J Balvin. Show 979

Wednesday, December 12: Guests include Natalie Portman, Dennis Miller and musical guest Braison Cyrus. Show 980

**Thursday, December 13: Guests include Miley Cyrus, Regina King and musical guest Chloe x Halle. Show 981

**Friday, December 14: Guests include Armie Hammer, Mark Ronson, and Pete Lee. Show 982

**Monday, December 17: Guests include Lin-Manuel Miranda, Tyler ‘Ninja’ Blevins and musical guest Black Thought ft. Salaam Remi. Show 983

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' December 3 – December 7

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.3.18
You guys, it was almost 60 degrees today in New York City! It was so warm, the 30 Rock ice rink just hired a lifeguard.
Yesterday, President Trump returned home from the G20 Summit in Argentina. And just to mess with him, his staffers trashed the Oval Office and told him there was an FBI raid.
Well at the summit, all the leaders signed a joint statement pledging to fight climate change, except for Trump. But they have a plan to get Trump to sign it – they’re telling him it’s a Christmas card for Putin.
I heard Michael Cohen’s decision to cooperate with Robert Mueller could put Donald Trump Jr. in serious legal trouble. You can tell Don Jr.’s worried, cuz today he tried to enlist in the Space Force.
After reports that he tried to do business with Russia, President Trump said everything he did was quote, “very legal and very cool.” Not a good sign when the president explains himself like a stoner who got pulled over on the way home from Burning Man.
Over the weekend, a man proposed in Times Square, but he was so nervous dropped the ring into a sidewalk grate. It was quite a scene – someone was in distress, and just like 50 Spider-Mans just stood there watching.
That’s right, he accidentally dropped the ring into a sidewalk grate. He was terrified, while a rat underneath was like, “Yes, yes! A thousand times yes!”
But the good news is, the NYPD found the ring, and returned it to the woman. The bad news is, she fell in love with the officer that gave it to her.
Finally, I heard that on January 1st, “Friends” might be leaving Netflix. When fans heard, they said, “Wow – no one told us life was gonna be this way.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.4.18
You guys, tonight is the third night of Hanukkah! It’s nice, Jewish people lit a few candles, while their Christian neighbors put up 40,000 LED lights that are choreographed to “We Will Rock You.”
Let’s get to some news. A new poll found that the top three Democratic contenders for president in 2020 are Joe Biden, Bernie Sanders and Beto O’Rourke. Biden’s got the best experience, Bernie’s got the best fundraising, and Beto’s got the best chance of being alive in 2020.
I saw that Michelle Obama said one of the reasons she supported her husband’s presidential campaign in 2008 was because she thought he wouldn’t win. Barack was like, “Aw, that’s sweet—wait, what?”
Get this, last night Bernie Sanders held a big town hall event on climate change. Not global climate change, he just wanted to know where that draft is coming from.
And finally, Amtrak is looking for people to ride their trains and post about it on social media with the hashtag “Amtrak Take Me There.” It’s better than Greyhound’s hashtag, “A stranger is sleeping on me and the driver is gone.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.5.18
Well, is everyone enjoying the holiday season in New York City? There’s nothing like seeing Santa with a bell in one hand, and a vape pen in the other. “Put some money in the pot, I gotta be Elmo in Times Square in 10 minutes.”
This year, I read that some people are hiring professionals to put up their holiday decorations for them. I don’t know, I like the old-fashioned way, where dad hangs onto the gutter while screaming, “Hold the ladder!”
And this is fun. A new poll found that America’s favorite Christmas movie is “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.” While America’s least favorite is still, “Frosty Deals With The Harsh Reality Of Climate Change.”
Yeah, last week we heard about Michael Cohen flipping on Trump. Now it’s Michael Flynn. Today, Trump was like, “That’s it -- deport everyone named Michael!”
And finally, a family in California is looking for their son’s teddy bear after it floated away in a cluster of balloons. Then Pixar said, “Sold!” 

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.6.18
Guys, tonight is the fifth night of Hanukkah! And I saw that today was the official White House Hanukkah Party. It was going well until President Trump made a wish then blew out the Menorah.
Actually, the White House had two Hanukkah receptions today - one at 4 o’clock and another at 8. They held the second reception just so Trump could apologize for everything he said at the first one.
But the president had a good time. When a staffer asked him if he wanted to see the Menorah, he said, “Her name is pronounced MELANIA.”
You guys, I’m excited about this – from the new movie “Aquaman,” Jason Momoa is my guest tonight! The movie is awesome – the only slow part is when Aquaman eats lunch, and his parents make him wait an hour before swimming. 

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 12.7.18
You guys, tomorrow is SantaCon! It’s the annual bar crawl where people dress up like Santa for a day of drinking. Or as Mall Santas call that, “Every day.”
Yeah on Saturday, thousands of people will dress up like Santa for a bar crawl in New York City. Then it all ends Sunday morning, with the year’s most festive walk of shame.
That’s right, all over New York, people will be drinking and partying dressed like Santa. Or as Jesus put it, “NOT how I pictured people celebrating my birthday.”
But to stop people from drinking on the trains, New Jersey Transit has decided to ban all liquids. Then hundreds of drunken Santas said, “Jell-O shots it is!”
Check this out. I heard that tomorrow, President Trump is going to the Army-Navy football game. But it’ll get awkward when Trump starts chanting, “Here we go, Space Force, here we go!”
Get this. A student at a Florida high school found a rat in a vending machine. And when she saw the only food left in the machine were Terra Chips, she’s like, “I’ll take the rat.”

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: DECEMBER 5 – 12

Wednesday, December 5: Guests include Andy Cohen, John Legend and musical guest John Legend. Show 975

Thursday, December 6: Guests include Jason Momoa, J.K. Simmons and Joe Machi. Show 976

Friday, December 7: Guests include Ice Cube, Amber Heard, Elvis Duran and musical guest Ice Cube. Show 977

Monday, December 10: Guests include John Mulaney, Vanessa Hudgens and musical guest Grimes. Show 978

Tuesday, December 11: Guests include Jennifer Lopez, Robert Klein and musical guest J Balvin. Show 979

**Wednesday, December 12: Guests include Natalie Portman, Dennis Miller and musical guest Braison Cyrus. Show 980

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: DECEMBER 4 – DECEMBER 11

Tuesday, December 4: Guests include Saoirse Ronan, Russell Westbrook and musical guest Alessia Cara. Show 974

**Wednesday, December 5: Guests include Andy Cohen, John Legend and musical guest John Legend. Show 975

Thursday, December 6: Guests include Jason Momoa, J.K. Simmons and Joe Machi. Show 976

Friday, December 7: Guests include Ice Cube, Amber Heard, Elvis Duran and musical guest Ice Cube. Show 977

**Monday, December 10: Guests include John Mulaney, Vanessa Hudgens and musical guest Grimes. Show 978

**Tuesday, December 11: Guests include Jennifer Lopez, Robert Klein and musical guest J Balvin. Show 979

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' November 26 – November 30

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.26.18
You guys, today is Cyber Monday! It’s the busiest shopping day of the year, and Americans spent billions of dollars online. Earlier today, I saw a UPS guy hiding under his own truck and breathing into a paper bag.
Of course, to get deals, there were codes you had to enter online. LL Bean was 20% off with the code “THANKS-20.” The Gap was 50% off with the code “CYBER.” And Kohl’s was free with the code, “Please Take This Crap Off Our Hands.”
Yeah, everything on the Gap’s website was 50% off. But it’s just not the same without hearing a real employee sigh after you grab a shirt, unfold it, then toss it back on the pile.
And at Sears, the entire store was 50% off. Not the items, you can buy the actual store Sears for 50% off.
I read that President Trump was once asked to guess how much the military’s highest-ranking officer earns per year, and he said five million dollars. When told it’s actually 200-thousand, Trump was like, "200-thousand-million?!?”
The federal government just released a 1,600-page report on climate change. Yep, leave it to America to release a report about saving the planet on 1,600 pieces of paper. Single-sided.
Today Trump threatened to permanently shut down the entire U.S.-Mexico border. In response, migrants said, “Relax man, we’re just trying to get to Canada.”
And finally, I heard about a man in South Dakota who left his wallet on a flight, and when it was returned to him, it had extra cash inside and a note that said “Have fun.” The man was like, “Awww -- wait, I had like three credit cards in here!”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.27.18
Well you guys, the holiday season is here, and I saw that tomorrow is the White House Christmas Tree Lighting. Though when Trump first sees a bunch of blinking lights outside, he’ll shout, “Oh God, it’s the FBI!”
But the White House just put up their official Christmas decorations, and the theme this year is “American Treasures.” Which sounds less like a theme, and more like a line of creepy dolls sold on QVC.
There are reports that Trump’s former campaign chairman Paul Manafort secretly met with the founder of Wikileaks right before Hillary’s hacked emails were released. Now I know that sounds suspicious, but that's because it’s very suspicious.
The CDC says it's now safe to eat romaine lettuce, as long as it’s not from central California. When people asked how to tell if the lettuce is from that area, officials said, “Eat it and see what happens.”
Check this out. A new study found that it takes about 1.7 days for a Lego to pass through the human body. The guy who ate it said it was painful, while Lego Batman said, “Hey, it’s no picnic for me either, buddy.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.28.18
Guys, tonight was the big Rockefeller Center Christmas tree lighting! There were thousands of people out on the plaza, and it was really nice watching parents show their kids the true meaning of claustrophobia.
The tree lighting is such a great tradition. It was fun for everyone, except the guy who waited 4 hours in the freezing cold – then sneezed and totally missed it.
But the tree is beautiful. It’s so pretty, you barely notice the 80-foot orange extension cord running from the star to the bottom.
Actually, I read that the star weighs 900 pounds and features 3 million crystals. Yup, 900 pounds and 3 million crystals -- or as guys from New Jersey call that, “A pinky ring.”
Tonight was also the Christmas tree lighting ceremony at the White House. President Trump said it’s the only time he can press a giant button without everyone in America being absolutely terrified.
This is interesting. If you wanted to go to the White House ceremony, you could get free tickets through an online lottery. Nobody did – but you COULD have.
I heard that Prince Harry feels “imprisoned” living in a royal palace. To be fair, you wouldn’t feel great either if you were 34 years-old and still crashing at your grandma’s.
Hey guys, I’m very excited about this. We have Macaulay Culkin on the show tonight! And this time he’s actually supposed to be in New York during the holidays.
From “Law & Order: SVU,” Ice T and Mariska Hargitay are here! It’s weird, earlier, I went to their dressing rooms to say hi but they had... gone missing.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.29.18
You guys, last night was the Christmas tree lighting in Rockefeller Center! And this year’s tree has over 50,000 lights. Which explains why NBC just told me I can’t use a hairdryer for the next month.
But it’s been a busy 24 hours for the president. Last night, Trump flipped on the Christmas tree lights – and today Michael Cohen flipped on Trump.
It’s big news. Cohen was one of Trump’s closest allies, and now he’s working with Mueller. I’m not saying Trump’s running out of friends, but today he asked Rosie O’Donnell if she wanted to get lunch.
Cohen says he’s cooperating with Mueller cuz he wants to put “family and country first.” Trump replied, “I totally agree. Wait – you’re talking about MY family, right?”

I saw that Starbucks is gonna start blocking adult websites from their WiFi networks. They said there’s a time and a place for that type of behavior, and it’s all day at Dunkin’ Donuts.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.30.18
You guys, this Sunday is the first night of Hanukkah! Which means we’re just two days away from President Trump going on Twitter and wishing everyone a “Happy Chaka Khan.”
Trump is down in Argentina for the G20 Summit, where he’s been met by lots of protesters. But Trump’s not worried -- he said, “It’s the southern hemisphere, so when people boo, it actually means the opposite.”
I heard that Trump canceled his meeting with Vladimir Putin at the summit. For Putin, it was like when you don’t wanna meet someone for brunch, then the other person bails first. “Sweet!”
Listen to this. Scientists are studying whether a male birth control gel could replace condoms. It works really well, cuz “birth control gel” sounds so gross, nobody will ever want to sleep with you.
That’s right, there’s a male birth control gel that can replace condoms. Here’s how it works: men apply the gel to themselves for about two minutes, then say, “You know what? I’m actually good.”
Get this. A Delta passenger says his pilot messaged him on a dating app while he was flying the plane. It’s pretty crazy – someone actually got the WiFi to work on a plane.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: November 30 – DECEMBER 7

Friday, November 30: Guests include Dolly Parton, Nick Kroll and musical guest Dolly Parton. Show 972

Monday, December 3: Guests include Margot Robbie, Elsie Fisher and musical guest Hootie & The Blowfish. Show 973

Tuesday, December 4: Guests include Saoirse Ronan, Russell Westbrook and musical guest Alessia Cara. Show 974

Wednesday, December 5: Guests include Anderson Cooper & Andy Cohen, John Legend and musical guest John Legend. Show 975

**Thursday, December 6: Guests include Jason Momoa, J.K. Simmons and Joe Machi. Show 976

**Friday, December 7: Guests include Ice Cube, Amber Heard, Elvis Duran and musical guest Ice Cube. Show 977

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: November 28 – DECEMBER 5

Wednesday, November 28: Guests include Ice T and Mariska Hargitay, Macaulay Culkin and musical guest J.I.D FT. BJ The Chicago Kid & Thundercat. Show 970

Thursday, November 29: Guests include Claire Foy, Mike Birbiglia and Jourdain Fisher. Show 971

Friday, November 30: Guests include Dolly Parton, Nick Kroll and musical guest Dolly Parton. Show 972

**Monday, December 3: Guests include Margot Robbie, Elsie Fisher and musical guest Hootie & The Blowfish. Show 973

**Tuesday, December 4: Guests include Saoirse Ronan, Russell Westbrook and musical guest Alessia Cara. Show 974

**Wednesday, December 5: Guests include Anderson Cooper & Andy Cohen, John Legend and musical guest John Legend. Show 975

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: November 26 – DECEMBER 3

Monday, November 26: Guests include Glenn Close, Phoebe Robinson and musical guest Blood Orange. Show 968

**Tuesday, November 27: Guests include John Oliver, Rachel Brosnahan and musical guest Mike Will Made-It, Swae Lee & Young Thug. Show 969

Wednesday, November 28: Guests include Ice T and Mariska Hargitay, Macaulay Culkin and musical guest J.I.D FT. BJ The Chicago Kid & Thundercat. Show 970

Thursday, November 29: Guests include Claire Foy, Mike Birbiglia and Jourdain Fisher. Show 971

Friday, November 30: Guests include Dolly Parton, Nick Kroll and musical guest Dolly Parton. Show 972

**Monday, December 3: Guests include Margot Robbie, Jackie Chan and musical guest Hootie & The Blowfish. Show 973

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' November 19 – November 22

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.19.18
Well you guys, this Thursday is Thanksgiving, and tomorrow Trump is pardoning a turkey. Then after the ceremony, the turkey will be sent to live on a farm upstate with Jeff Sessions.
Americans actually get to vote on which turkey Trump pardons, and I saw that the two finalists are named Peas and Carrots. When he heard they’re named after vegetables, Trump was like, “Forget it, they’re both goners.”
That’s right, Americans can vote on which turkey gets pardoned. You can tell the turkeys wanna drag it out as long as possible, cuz today they asked if that vote could happen in Florida.
In an interview with Fox News, Trump said that he’s planning his first visit to a war zone. The troops were glad to hear it, until they realized he’s talking about Walmart on Black Friday.
Actually, the TSA just released a list of items you can and can’t take on a plane for Thanksgiving. You can take a frozen turkey, but only if it’s an emotional support frozen turkey.
I saw that Mickey Mouse just turned 90 years old. You can tell he’s getting old, cuz every night he wakes up five times to visit “Splash Mountain.”
I heard about an IKEA in Italy that lets stray dogs come in during the winter. Which explains why their meatballs taste WAY different than every other IKEA.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.20.18
Thanksgiving’s almost here! Earlier today, President Trump pardoned a turkey at the White House. And I read that before the ceremony, the turkey was shampooed and dusted with baby powder to make him glisten. It’s very interesting, cuz every morning the White House staff does the same thing to Trump.
Trump left Washington to spend Thanksgiving at Mar-a-Lago. When they heard that, every White House staffer said, “Now that’s something I’m REALLY thankful for!”
But Thanksgiving with the Trumps is great. Guests have the option of “white meat” or “even whiter meat.”
This Thursday is the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade! I saw that the weather’s expected to be very cold and windy. NBC has a plan if they can’t fly the balloons: Show last year’s parade and hope nobody notices.
Some news out of Washington. It just came out that Ivanka Trump used her own personal email account to send hundreds of official work messages. When she found out, Hillary Clinton started mashing potatoes – with her bare hands.
And finally, I saw that tomorrow is called “Weed Wednesday,” because marijuana sales skyrocket the day before Thanksgiving. You’ll know you're stoned at Thanksgiving when you go to loosen your belt buckle and realize you’re not wearing pants.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.21.18
You guys, tomorrow is Thanksgiving! And I saw that a record 30 million Americans are flying this year. When the airlines heard that, they were like, “Yeah, we’ll see about that.”
I heard that 50 million people are traveling by car. Thanksgiving car rides are great, cuz after fighting with your extended family all day, it’s nice to get back to fighting with your immediate family.
Well after Thanksgiving, the holiday shopping season officially begins! It’s when everyone has to decide: do I wanna get trampled on Black Friday, or have my identity stolen on Cyber Monday?
Did you guys hear about this? Health officials want everyone to throw away their romaine lettuce because it might have E. coli. In response, iceberg lettuce was like, “Well well well, look who came crawling back.”
The Russia investigation is in full swing, and I read that President Trump just submitted his written answers to Robert Mueller’s questions. And this is weird – for every answer, all he wrote was “No hablo ingles.”
Ikea just announced that they’re cutting 7,500 jobs. Ikea workers weren’t happy – they were like, “This is furgen bollsharf!”
In a new interview, Patriots quarterback Tom Brady said if he could choose someone to play him in a movie, it would be Mark Wahlberg. It makes sense cuz by law, every movie about someone in Boston has to be played by Mark Wahlberg.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.22.18
JERRY SEINFELD:
Today was the 92nd Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade – and one of the coldest parades in decades. It was so cold, SpongeBob’s nipples got so hard they popped the other balloons.
I read that this year’s parade featured over 42,000 different costumes. Or as that’s also known, “One Lady Gaga show.”
And I heard that the parade had over 1,000 clowns, and it got creepy when Macy’s said, “Wait, we only hired 100 clowns...”
I heard about a trend this Thanksgiving where people made “tiny turkeys.” Yeah, “tiny turkeys.” You may know them by their other name: chicken.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: November 21 – NOVEMBER 30

Wednesday, November 21: Guests include Tim Allen, Sophia the Robot and musical guest Meek Mill. Show 966

Thursday, November 22: Guests include Jerry Seinfeld, Brian Regan, and Robert Irwin. Show 967

**Friday, November 23: Guests include Justin Timberlake, Sunny Suljic and musical guest Pistol Annies. OAD 11/1/18

**Monday, November 26: Guests include Glenn Close, Phoebe Robinson and musical guest Blood Orange. Show 968

**Tuesday, November 27: Guests include John Oliver, Rachel Brosnahan and musical guest Mike Will Made It, Swae Lee & Young Thug. Show 969

**Wednesday, November 28: Guests include Ice T and Mariska Hargitay, Macaulay Culkin and musical guest J.I.D FT. BJ The Chicago Kid & Thundercat. Show 970

**Thursday, November 29: Guests include Claire Foy, Mike Birbiglia and Jourdain Fisher. Show 971

**Friday, November 30: Guests include Dolly Parton, Nick Kroll and musical guest Dolly Parton. Show 972

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' November 12 – November 16

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.12.18
You guys, Jamie Foxx is my guest tonight! His new movie “Robin Hood” tells the story of a man who steals from the rich and gives to the poor. Or as Bernie Sanders put it, “How did I not get that part?!”
Let’s get to some news. President Trump was in France this weekend to mark the 100th anniversary of World War I, but he canceled his visit to a memorial because it was raining. Even worse, when he heard some thunder, Trump yelled, “Oh my God - the war’s not over!”
Well, it turns out though, the whole thing was a big misunderstanding. When someone told Trump, “It’s Stormy outside,” he said, “I’ve already paid her what more does she want!”
You guys, I heard that during his trip, a topless female protester ran in front of Trump’s motorcade. One Secret Service agent tackled her so that she couldn’t get to Trump, while another tackled Trump so HE couldn’t get to HER.
Guys, check this out. Over the weekend, a city in Nevada broke a world record by making a 5,000-pound serving of nachos. It was fun until a guy tried to grab one chip then dragged all 5,000 pounds onto his plate.
And finally, a teenager just set a new world record by solving three Rubik's cubes at the same time. Afterward, he went out to celebrate with his best friends: those three Rubik’s cubes.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.13.18
Let’s get to some news here, guys. I heard that President Trump wants to fire his Chief of Staff, John Kelly. Yeah, Kelly was shocked. He was like, “Wait, I haven’t already been fired?”
There are also reports that Trump wants to fire his Homeland Security Secretary, Kirstjen Nielsen. When asked who he’d like to run Homeland Security, Trump said, “Claire Danes.”
Here’s a big story. This morning, CNN filed a lawsuit against President Trump. When he found out, Trump was furious. He was like, “Crap, did I sleep with CNN?”
Guys, I read that New York street food vendors are gonna get letter grades from the health inspector starting next month. Which means we all have 30 more days to enjoy hot dogs for the very last time.
That’s right, health inspectors will give New York street food vendors letter grades. So if you see a street cart with the letters “A” “B” or “C,” that’s just the type of Hepatitis you’ll get.
And finally, I saw that Monopoly just released a new version of their game called “Monopoly for Millennials.” It’s just like the original, except everyone starts out with $60,000 of college debt.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.14.18
Let’s get to some news here. I read that since last week’s midterms, President Trump has been acting sad and upset. But his staffers are doing everything they can to cheer him up. Today, they even re-hired Jeff Sessions just so Trump could fire him again.
Actually, I read that Trump’s been in such a bad mood, that his staffers are avoiding him. It gets awkward when they try to hide in a broom closet, only to hear Melania say, “Get your own spot!”
And if Trump wasn’t already depressed enough, today, Fox News said they support CNN in their lawsuit against him. Trump is so mad, that today he told Sean Hannity to come over and pick up his CDs.
First the midterms didn’t go Trump’s way, and now Fox News is against him. Today, Vladimir Putin was like, “Is bad time to tell him I support Bernie in 2020.”
Guys, listen to this. Over the weekend, a man in New Jersey was charged with a DUI, and he told police that the reason he drank so much was “because the Jets suck.” That story again: A man in New Jersey has been drunk for 50 years.
Actually, the man was driving while drunk AND high. When asked why he was also smoking weed, he said, “Well, the Giants suck too.”
And finally you guys, Thanksgiving is next week! And I heard about a new recipe where you can make a turkey that’s covered in glitter. If you wanna pick one up, you can get them in the freezer aisle of your local strip club.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.15.18
Well you guys, a lot of the country got snow today, including Washington D.C. President Trump spent the whole morning watching the news to see if work was canceled.
That’s right, it snowed at the White House. There was an awkward moment when Trump offered a kid 10 bucks to shovel the driveway, and it turned out to be Jeff Sessions.
Get this. It just came out that Trump mocks Fox News host Sean Hannity behind his back for being a “suck up.” When he heard that, Hannity was like, “Wow, that is SUCH a smart observation Mr. President!”
I heard that Trump wants to raise tariffs on French wine, but since his son Eric runs an American winery, it could be a conflict of interest. Then Trump said, “That’s crazy, I have no interest in my son Eric.
Listen to this. After two years, the CEO of Victoria’s Secret announced that she’s leaving. No one’s happier about it than her husband, cuz he’s been waiting outside for her the whole time.
This is interesting. Starting next year, grocery stores might start carrying food with genetically-altered DNA. It gets weird when you say, “This apple looks good,” and the apple goes, “Thanks.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.16.18
Hey guys, Thanksgiving is less than a week away! Which means, if you haven’t left for the airport by now, you’re screwed.
Let’s get to some news here. I heard that President Trump is going to meet with North Korean leader Kim Jong-Un after the New Year. It makes sense because Trump’s New Year’s Resolution is to appreciate the little things.
That’s right, Trump and Kim Jong-Un are planning to get together after New Year’s. It’s interesting because when most people say, “Let’s get together after New Year’s,” they really mean, “Let’s never get together.”
I saw that today, Trump presented the Medal of Freedom to seven people, including Babe Ruth. When asked why he chose Babe Ruth, Trump said, “He’s a legend -- it was his idea to combine peanuts, caramel, AND nougat.”
Hey, it was announced that the final season of “Game of Thrones” will debut next April. Fans said they’re excited to reunite with the characters they’ve loved over the past 8 years...and watch them all die horribly.
Listen to this, guys. A man in Japan just spent $18,000 to marry a cartoon hologram. That explains why her side of the aisle didn’t have any friends...and why his side didn’t either.
Check this out. For the holidays, I saw that Jimmy Dean is giving away wrapping paper that smells like sausage. It’s being called the most festive way to make sure your dog destroys everything under the tree.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: November 16 – NOVEMBER 22

Friday, November 16: Guests include Benicio Del Toro, Mariah Carey and musical guest Mariah Carey Ft. Ty Dolla $ign. Show 963

Monday, November 19: Guests include Mahershala Ali, Chris Colfer, Toms’ Blake Mycoskie and musical guest Michael Bublé. Show 964

Tuesday, November 20: Guests include Michael Strahan, Michael Angarano and musical guest Takeoff. Show 965

Wednesday, November 21: Guests include Tim Allen, Sophia the Robot and musical guest Meek Mill. Show 966

**Thursday, November 22: Guests include Jerry Seinfeld, Brian Regan, and Robert Irwin. Show 967

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: November 14 – NOVEMBER 21

**Wednesday, November 14: Guests include Michael Shannon, Ashley Graham and musical guest The Struts & Kesha. Show 961

Thursday, November 15: Guests include Steve Carell, Eric Bana and musical guest Troye Sivan. Show 962

Friday, November 16: Guests include Benicio Del Toro, Mariah Carey and musical guest Mariah Carey Ft. Ty Dolla $ign. Show 963

**Monday, November 19: Guests include Mahershala Ali, Chris Colfer, Toms’ Blake Mycoskie and musical guest Michael Bublé. Show 964

**Tuesday, November 20: Guests include Michael Strahan, Michael Angarano and musical guest Takeoff. Show 965

**Wednesday, November 21: Guests include Tim Allen, Sophia the Robot and musical guest Meek Mill. Show 966

These listings are subject to change.
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News

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' October 29 – November 2

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.29.18

Hey guys, I wanna say congratulations to the Boston Red Sox, who won the World Series last night! It’s Boston’s ninth time winning the series, or as the Yankees put it, “Aww...that’s cute.”
Last night marks the first World Series win for the Red Sox since 2013. Today, five year-olds in Boston were like, “Finally, the curse is broken!”
But the Red Sox had a historic year, winning 119 games. It’s incredible – that’s like one win for every Wahlberg brother.
Check this out. This weekend, [Trump] hosted trick-or-treaters at the White House. The kids were excited cuz they met the president, while Trump was excited cuz he thinks he met Captain America.
That’s right, Halloween's just two days away, and here in New York, the MTA created a “Haunted Subway” filled with creepy lighting and zombies. Passengers said, “Wow, this is terrifying!” then officials said, “Oh no, this is a regular D-train.”
Some political news. At an event this weekend, Hillary Clinton didn’t rule out running for president in 2020. Even the company that’s building the Titanic II was like, “That’s sounds like a bad idea.”
Listen to this. After losing their first six games of the season, the Cleveland Cavaliers have fired their head coach. Apparently all he was doing during games was shouting, “Pass it to LeBron!”
And check this out. After losing all of their games last year and winning just two this year, the Cleveland Browns have also fired their head coach. When they told him, he was like, “Wait — I was the head coach?!”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.30.18
Well you guys, tomorrow is Halloween! Which means right now, parents who spent weeks making their kid an Iron Man costume are being told, “Actually, I wanna be a guy from Fortnite!”
I read that some people are giving out healthier candy this Halloween, made from things like quinoa or beets. Even people giving out apples with razor blades were like, “You monsters!”
Tomorrow, Krispy Kreme will give you a free donut if you walk in wearing a costume. Which means we now have a new definition for the term “walk of shame.”
Listen to this. A woman in Ohio painted a 315-pound pumpkin to look like Kanye West. Kanye loved it cuz it combined his two favorite things: himself and President Trump.
Speaking of the president. The midterms are next week, and in the next six days, Trump is holding 11 rallies. You can tell he’s getting nervous cuz he’s making last minute stops in key areas like Florida, Ohio, and Moscow.
Oh, this is big. Trump wants to use an executive order to end “birthright citizenship,” which is when a non-citizen gives birth in the U.S., making the baby a citizen. Trump was like, “It’s all part of my plan to make sure no babies vote against me in 2020.”
Today, Apple announced that their new MacBooks are made from 100% recycled aluminum. Which sounds nice, until you look closely at your $2,000 laptop and see the faded words, “Mountain Dew.”
And finally, a scientist at a remote lab in Antarctica was arrested for stabbing his co-worker because he kept spoiling the endings of books for him. When it happened, all their other co-workers were like “Wow, we didn’t see THAT ending coming.”
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.31.18
You guys, it’s Halloween! It’s really exciting. For kids, it’s a chance to get lots of candy. And for parents, it’s a chance to look inside your neighbor’s house and judge them. “That’s a lot of carpet.”
Yeah, it’s almost midnight on Halloween. Which means right now, every CVS employee is frantically stocking the shelves with Christmas decorations.
I saw that a Republican Congressman in South Carolina gave trick-or-treaters pocket-sized Constitutions. Yeah, it was the first time that kids were like, “Got any raisins?”
Listen to this. The DEA says if you see candies labeled “Munchy Way,” “Keef Kat” or “Rasta Reese’s,” they may contain weed. When adults heard, they were like, “MAY contain?! What the hell did I pay for?!”
And I read that Amazon’s Alexa can now answer questions about the midterms. Which explains why today, Trump was in the Oval Office asking, “Alexa, what are the midterms?”
Hey, today was the Red Sox World Series victory parade, and I saw that a fan actually threw a can of beer that damaged the World Series trophy. The fan wasn’t arrested – he was named “Mayor of Boston.”
Check this out. NASA says they’re retiring one of their space crafts, and now it will just drift around the sun forever. In response, people who just ate a bunch of Rasta Reese’s were like, “Hey man, aren’t we all just drifting around the sun forever?”
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.1.18
Guys, today is the first day of November! Turkeys were like, “Anybody else have a weird feeling that something terrible is about to happen?”
The midterm elections are just five days away. President Trump couldn’t believe they’re so close. He said, “So many people to offend, so little time!”
I saw that last night, Trump held a rally in Florida where he attacked immigrants, Democrats and the media. Even the biggest Trump supporters in the crowd were like, “Play some new stuff!”
Oh, get this. Mexico’s Supreme Court just ruled that a ban on legal weed is unconstitutional. Which explains why a giant caravan of Americans is now making its way toward Mexico.
I read that Toys R Us may be re-launching as a new store called “Geoffrey’s Toy Box.” I guess executives were like, “How can we make ourselves sound more like a male strip club?”
Guys, listen to this. A school administrator in Louisiana was just arrested after she showed up to school drunk during Alcohol Awareness Week. To be fair, she did make everyone very aware of alcohol.
I heard about a man who was caught tasting soup at a buffet directly from the ladle, then putting the ladle back into the soup. But eventually, a manager came over and escorted Bernie Sanders back to his campaign bus.
Jimmy Fallon Quotables 11.2.18
Hey guys, this weekend is daylight saving time, which means we all get to sleep an extra hour on Sunday! Yeah, we all gain an hour – and then lose that hour trying to change the clock on the microwave.
And this is fun. Sunday is also the New York City marathon! Or as it’s also known: The Super Bowl of Chafing.
Let’s get to some news here. In a new interview, Gayle King said that she’s still encouraging Oprah to run for president in 2020. When he heard that, Joe Biden was like, “Shut up, Gayle.”
And get this. One of Hillary Clinton’s advisors said it's more likely that she wins the Powerball than runs for president again. Then Vladimir Putin said, “Matter of fact we control that too.”
Well, the midterms are on Tuesday, and as of now, Republicans are favored to keep control of the Senate, while Democrats are favored to win the House. But today President Trump said, “I’d give it all up if I could have Kanye back.”
Oh, I saw that this week at the White House, Trump gave a big speech about immigration. It’s like when your drunk friend grabs the mic at a wedding – you don’t know what he’s gonna say, you just know you’ll be apologizing to everyone later.
Listen to this. KFC gave a family $11,000 for naming their baby girl after Colonel Sanders. They said the money will really help the new baby, along with her siblings, Long John Silver and P.F. Chang.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: November 2 – NOVEMBER 9

Friday, November 2: Guests include Benedict Cumberbatch, Minka Kelly and Orlando Leyba. Show 954

Monday, November 5: Guests include Rachel Maddow, Sam Heughan, People’s Sexiest Man Alive Reveal and musical guest Carly Rae Jepsen. Show 955

**Tuesday, November 6: Pre-empted due to news coverage at 11:35pm ET/CT. For air outside of regular time slot repeat guests include Bradley Cooper, Kathryn Hahn and musical guest Jim James. OAD 10/3/18

Wednesday, November 7: Guests include Eddie Redmayne, Jack Whitehall, Chuck Todd and musical guest Lauren Daigle. Show 956

Thursday, November 8: Guests include Emma Stone, Bridget Everett and Finesse Mitchell. Show 957

Friday, November 9: Guests include Mark Wahlberg, Chip and Joanna Gaines and musical guest Zac Brown Band. Show 958

These listings are subject to change.
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QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' October 22 – October 26

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.22.18
Guys, this is very exciting: the Mega Millions jackpot is now a record-high, 1.6 billion dollars! Of course, after taxes that’s around 900 million. Or if you’re President Trump: 1.6 billion.
That’s right, the jackpot for tomorrow’s drawing is 1.6 billion dollars. Which means for just two dollars, you have a chance to lose just two dollars.
Some entertainment news. The new “Halloween” movie won the box office this weekend, and I saw that it takes place 40 years after the original. You can tell Michael Myers is getting old, cuz whenever he busts into a room, it takes him a minute to remember why he went in.
Michael Myers is old! He’s so old, he wears his mask on a beaded string around his neck.
Michael Myers is so old, midway through the movie, he just sits down and watches Fox News.
Michael Myers is so old, at the end of the movie he says something vaguely racist at Thanksgiving.
Last week, a couple visited Disney World in Orlando, and Disneyland in California, all in the same day. People said, “Sounds like a fun time,” while the couple said, “We’re looking for our son!”
And finally, the World Series starts tomorrow! And I heard that if someone steals a base, everyone in America gets a free taco from Taco Bell. It’s called “Steal A Base, Steal A Taco,” which is better than the original name, “Run for the Runs.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.23.18
It just came out that next month, President Trump and Vladimir Putin are planning to meet in Paris. Putin said he looks forward to discussing nuclear weapons, while Trump said, “OMG! I think he’s gonna propose!”
That’s right, Trump and Putin are meeting in Paris on November 11th, which is just five days after the midterm elections. Apparently Putin told Trump, "I want to get paid for my work in person."
That’s right, the midterms are coming up, and last night Trump held a rally in Houston. He said it was so crowded that 50,000 people outside couldn’t get in, but the Houston Police said there were only 3,000. Then Trump said, "Fine, we'll call it an even 70,000."
I saw that today, Melania Trump hosted an event for sixth graders at the White House to mark National Bullying Prevention Month. It was going well until the president walked in and said, “Sorry, I didn’t realize there was a LOSER CONVENTION happening in here.”
Oh, this is big. Tonight was the drawing for the 1.6 billion dollar Mega Millions jackpot! If your annoying co-worker shows up 15 minutes late tomorrow, you’ll be like, “Thank God, I was worried you’d won!”
Before the drawing, the New York Post made a list of things New Yorkers could do with 1.6 billion dollars. For instance, they could buy the Islanders, or part of the Mets, or they could sublet a one bedroom apartment for 2 months.
Hey, I just read that 7-Eleven is recalling their taquitos due to a possible salmonella outbreak. Experts aren’t 100 percent sure, cuz the effects of salmonella are the same effects of eating taquitos.
I heard about a new study that found not working out is even worse for your health than smoking. When they heard, Americans were like, “Great! Smoking it is.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.24.18
Guys, last night was the big Mega Millions drawing for 1.6 billion dollars. And it turns out, the winning ticket was sold in South Carolina. So congratulations to the lucky winner for becoming the most hated person in America!
The winning ticket was sold in South Carolina. When they heard, everyone in South Carolina checked to see if they won, while the rest of the country checked to see if they have any relatives in South Carolina.
Let’s get to some news. Today, the Secret Service intercepted packages containing explosives that were sent to prominent Democrats and CNN’s headquarters. When he heard, the president was like, “Oh my God! Is Fox News okay?!”
That’s right explosive devices were sent to President Obama, Hillary Clinton, and CNN. And out of precaution, President Trump evacuated himself to a golf course.
And finally, new research found that six in ten Americans are currently sleep deprived. Or as we call that, “Great for ratings!”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.25.18
Let’s get to some news. It just came out that President Trump still uses his personal, unsecured cell phone, which lets China and Russia listen to his calls. Americans were shocked. They were like, “You guys actually WANT to listen to Trump?!”
A new article says the White House staff can’t get Trump to stop using his iPhone. But they have a plan to make him get rid of it: they’re gonna change his wallpaper to the Mexican flag.
But in the article, officials said Trump isn’t spilling secrets on the phone, cuz he doesn’t read enough intelligence reports to know any. Trump would’ve been furious, but he didn’t read the article.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.26.18
Guys, the midterm elections are coming up, and I saw that by Election Day, President Trump will have spoken at over 30 rallies in five weeks. The media says it’s a lot of time to spend away from the White House – or as White House staffers put it – “shut up.”
Yeah, I read that Trump is planning to hold 10 more rallies before November 6th. If he gets tired, they’re just gonna put a wig on an air horn and hope nobody notices.
And I saw that Trump actually scheduled a rally in Florida on Halloween. They’re giving out tickets by saying it’s a live performance of “The Great Pumpkin.”
But the midterms are just 11 days away! Yeah, 11 days – or as Trump calls that, “Just one Scaramucci.”
I read that Democrats are hoping their support for legal weed will help them at the polls. But I don’t know how confident you can feel when your strategy relies on stoners remembering to vote.
Oh, I heard that Utah might legalize marijuana, so a state lawmaker went to Nevada to “research” weed. When asked what he learned, his staff said, “That was four days ago, he hasn’t come back.”
Oh, listen to this. The Vatican just launched a new game for kids that’s like Pokémon Go, where you actually collect saints. When asked if it's as fun as Pokémon Go, kids were like, "No!"

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: OCTOBER 26 – NOVEMBER 2

Friday, October 26: Guests include Whoopi Goldberg, Nikki & Brie Bella and Joshua Jay. Show 949

Monday, October 29: Guests include Rami Malek, Chrissy Metz and musical guest John Prine. Show 950

Tuesday, October 30: Guests include Tyler Perry, Abbi Jacobson, Sunny Suljic and musical guest KISS. Show 951

**Wednesday, October 31: Guests include Mike D and Adrock, Desus and Mero and musical guest Sheck Wes. Show 952

**Thursday, November 1: Guests include musical guest Pistol Annies. Show 953

**Friday, November 2: Guests include Benedict Cumberbatch, Minka Kelly and Orlando Leyba. Show 954

These listings are subject to change.
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'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: OCTOBER 24 – OCTOBER 31

Wednesday, October 24: Guests include Greg Kinnear, Paul Dano and musical guest Hozier Ft. Mavis Staples. Show 947

Thursday, October 25: Guests include Tiffany Haddish, Steve Kornacki and musical guest Buddy. Show 948

Friday, October 26: Guests include Whoopi Goldberg, Nikki & Brie Bella and Joshua Jay. Show 949

Monday, October 29: Guests include Rami Malek, Chrissy Metz and musical guest John Prine. Show 950

Tuesday, October 30: Guests include Tyler Perry, Abbi Jacobson, Sunny Suljic and musical guest KISS. Show 951

**Wednesday, October 31: Guests include Mike D and Adrock, Minka Kelly, Desus and Mero and musical guest Sheck Wes. Show 952

These listings are subject to change.
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'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: OCTOBER 22 – OCTOBER 29

Monday, October 22: Guests include Savannah Guthrie & Hoda Kotb, Juliette Lewis and musical guest Joey Purp Ft. Rza. Show 945

Tuesday, October 23: Guests include Trevor Noah, Lucas Hedges, Gigi Hadid and musical guest Brockhampton. Show 946. 

Wednesday, October 24: Guests include Greg Kinnear, Paul Dano and musical guest Hozier Ft. Mavis Staples. Show 947

Thursday, October 25: Guests include Tiffany Haddish, Steve Kornacki and musical guest Buddy. Show 948

Friday, October 26: Guests include Whoopi Goldberg, Nikki & Brie Bella and Joshua Jay. Show 949

**Monday, October 29: Guests include Rami Malek, Chrissy Metz and musical guest John Prine. Show 950

These listings are subject to change.
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'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: OCTOBER 19 – OCTOBER 26

Friday, October 19: Guests include Nick Jonas, Elizabeth Olsen and musical guest Nick Jonas and Robin Schulz. OAD 9/7/18

Monday, October 22: Guests include Savannah Guthrie & Hoda Kotb, Juliette Lewis and musical guest Joey Purp Ft. Rza. Show 945

Tuesday, October 23: Guests include Trevor Noah, Lucas Hedges, Gigi Hadid and musical guest Brockhampton. Show 946. 

**Wednesday, October 24: Guests include Greg Kinnear, Paul Dano and musical guest Hozier Ft. Mavis Staples. Show 947

**Thursday, October 25: Guests include Tiffany Haddish, Steve Kornacki and musical guest Buddy. Show 948

**Friday, October 26: Guests include Whoopi Goldberg, Nikki & Brie Bella and Joshua Jay. Show 949

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: OCTOBER 18 – OCTOBER 25

Thursday, October 18: Guests include Jack Black, Angela Bassett and musical guest Josh Groban. OAD 9/20/18

Friday, October 19: Guests include Nick Jonas, Elizabeth Olsen and musical guest Nick Jonas and Robin Schulz. OAD 9/7/18

**Monday, October 22: Guests include Savannah Guthrie & Hoda Kotb, Juliette Lewis and musical guest Joey Purp Ft. Rza. Show 945

**Tuesday, October 23: Guests include Trevor Noah, Lucas Hedges, Gigi Hadid and musical guest Brockhampton. Show 946. 

**Wednesday, October 24: Guests include Greg Kinnear, Paul Dano, Steve Kornacki and musical guest Hozier Ft. Mavis Staples. Show 947

**Thursday, October 25: Guests include Tiffany Haddish and musical guest Buddy. Show 948

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: OCTOBER 15 – OCTOBER 19

Monday, October 15: Guests include Taraji P Henson, BTS and musical guest BTS. OAD 9/25/18

Tuesday, October 16: Guests include Kevin Hart (co-host) and Robert Irwin. OAD 9/19/18

**Wednesday, October 17: Guests include Jonah Hill, Charles Barkley and musical guest Bazzi. OAD 10/11/18

Thursday, October 18: Guests include Jack Black, Angela Bassett and musical guest Josh Groban. OAD 9/20/18

**Friday, October 19: Guests include Nick Jonas, Elizabeth Olsen and musical guest Nick Jonas and Robin Schulz. OAD 9/7/18

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' October 8 – October 12

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.8.18
Guys, on Saturday night, Brett Kavanaugh was sworn-in as a Supreme Court Justice. He said it was a night he’ll never forget... because he wrote it on a weird calendar he’ll keep for 30 years.
Actually, while Kavanaugh was being sworn-in, there were lots of angry protesters gathered outside. It got even worse when Kavanaugh stepped onto the balcony and threw beads at the crowd.
And right after the confirmation vote, many Republicans began applauding. Kavanaugh would have clapped for himself, but he’d already duct taped two 40-ounce beers to each hand.
A man in Kentucky who’s also named Brett Kavanaugh went viral this weekend for tweeting, “This is a terrible time to be named Brett Kavanagh.” Then a guy named “Bill Cosby Weinstein” was like, “It could be worse!”
And finally, here’s a local story. I read about a 107-year old barber here in New York who’s still cutting hair. And if you wanna set-up an appointment... you’d better hurry.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.9.18
It just came out that President Trump is going to meet with Kanye West at the White House on Thursday. And this is interesting – they both think they’re going to a Twitter intervention for the other person.
That’s right, Trump is meeting with Kanye at the White House. Trump will be like, “I wish you’d been here last week – I had a Supreme Court seat to fill!”
I read about a female college student who made an “exit survey” to send to guys who ghosted her to find out why. And every single guy answered the survey by saying “This is why, Karen. Cuz you do stuff like this!”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.10.18
Guys, tomorrow is President Trump’s big meeting with Kanye West at the White House. Which means right now, a bunch of Russians are arguing over who gets to eavesdrop.
That’s right, Trump and Kanye are getting together at the White House. It’ll be like when two toddlers interact – it looks like they’re having a conversation, but they’re not actually making any sense.
Here's another big story. Since his UN Ambassador resigned yesterday, Trump says he’s narrowed down his list of replacements to five people. He was like, “It’ll be either Kim, Kourtney, Khloe, Kendall or Kylie.”
Actually, Dennis Rodman went on Twitter and said that he should be the new UN Ambassador. In response, Trump said, “That’s ridiculous – you’d make a much better vice president.”
But Trump’s been busy. This morning, he published a USA Today op-ed about healthcare, but a lot of people are saying it had several factual errors. Turns out, a pharmacist isn’t someone who works on a farm, and Shingles isn’t a tube of potato chips.
Some business news. I read that Sears is about to file for bankruptcy. Employees knew there was a chance this could happen when every Sears closed five years ago.
Get this. I heard that by 2021, the planet could have more personal assistant devices than people. Even worse, I heard it from my Alexa in a very threatening tone.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.11.18
Today, President Trump met with Kanye West at the White House. Incredible. If you told me 10 years ago that Trump and Kanye would be meeting at the White House, I would’ve said, “Oh my God – Kanye becomes president?!”
That’s right, Trump met with Kanye West at the White House. And while they spoke, both Trump and Kanye’s assistants looked at each other and said, “Man, I thought MY boss was nuts.”
It was really something to see. The president spent the day with Kanye West, and Kid Rock was there too. Meanwhile, people down in Florida were like, “Don’t worry – we’ll just handle this hurricane ourselves.”
Here’s some tech news. Facebook will now let you launch group chats with 250 people at once. The feature even has a new name: Hell.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.12.18
I heard that the TV ratings for Trump’s rallies have gone down. People are saying his rallies are like “Pirates of The Caribbean” movies – they’re wild and new at first, then you realize they’re all EXACTLY the same.
But the midterm elections are under a month away, and Trump’s campaign is selling football jerseys that say “Stand Up For America.” Yeah, the outside says, “Stand Up For America,” while the inside says, “Made In China.”
Oh, this week, former New York Mayor Mike Bloomberg switched his voter registration and became a Democrat. When asked what made him change parties, Bloomberg said, “Kanye.”
Speaking of New York. There’s a hospital here in the city that keeps a Spotify playlist full of songs with beats that match-up with CPR compressions. Cuz when you’re having a heart attack, who doesn’t want their doctor to ask, “So, whaddya think, Drake, or Migos?”
Get this. A cheating scandal has rocked the world of wine tasting after it came out that some tasters were given the answers to an exam. The wine tasters say they’re “embarrassed, a little humiliated, and there’s a hint of shame.”

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: OCTOBER 11 – OCTOBER 18

Thursday, October 11: Guests include Jonah Hill, Charles Barkley and musical guest Bazzi. Show 943

**Friday, October 12: Guests include Alec Baldwin, Meghan Trainor and LeClerc Andre. Show 944

Monday, October 15: Guests include Taraji P Henson, BTS and musical guest BTS. OAD 9/25/18

Tuesday, October 16: Guests include Kevin Hart (co-host) and Robert Irwin. OAD 9/19/18

Wednesday, October 17: Guests include Reese Witherspoon, Lenny Kravitz and musical guest Lenny Kravitz. OAD 9/17/18

**Thursday, October 18: Guests include Jack Black, Angela Bassett and musical guest Josh Groban. OAD 9/20/18

These listings are subject to change.
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'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: OCTOBER 10 – OCTOBER 17

Wednesday, October 10: Guests include Timothée Chalamet, Amandla Stenberg, Guy Raz and musical guest Ella Mai. Show 942

Thursday, October 11: Guests include Jonah Hill, Charles Barkley and musical guest Bazzi. Show 943

Friday, October 12: Guests include Alec Baldwin, Anthony Mackie and LeClerc Andre. Show 944

**Monday, October 15: Guests include Taraji P Henson, BTS and musical guest BTS. OAD 9/25/18

**Tuesday, October 16: Guests include Kevin Hart (co-host) and Robert Irwin. OAD 9/19/18

**Wednesday, October 17: Guests include Reese Witherspoon, Lenny Kravitz and musical guest Lenny Kravitz. OAD 9/17/18
These listings are subject to change.
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QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' October 1 – October 5

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.1.18
Guys, we have Nick Offerman and Megan Mullally on the show tonight! And we have music from The National! We have our pal Post Malone here tonight! Post’s new album is called “Beerbongs & Bentleys.” He loves beer so much, President Trump just nominated him to be on the Supreme Court.
Well, the big story is still Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh. The FBI is investigating claims about his drinking and sexual misconduct. In response, Kavanaugh said, “Whatever – if you need me, I’ll be at Oktoberfest.”
Here’s another big story. Today, the U.S., Mexico and Canada announced a three-way trade agreement. Trump didn’t even read the deal – he just heard the phrase “three-way” and said, “I’m in!”
Some business news here. After getting in trouble for misleading tweets about his company, Elon Musk is stepping down as chairman of Tesla. He’s sad it ended this way – and since his car is silent, everyone could hear him crying as he drove away.
Listen to this, guys. A survey conducted by California Pizza Kitchen found that pizza is Americans’ favorite food. Not surprisingly, the study also found that America’s favorite state is California, and their favorite room is “kitchen.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.2.18
We have a great show for you tonight! My guests are Claire Foy, Chelsea Clinton, and Lil Wayne! That’s right, Claire is here to talk about her movie “First Man.” While Chelsea and Lil Wayne are here to announce they’re running for president together in 2020.
Let’s get to some news here. Thanks to a new emergency alert system, tomorrow at 2:18 PM, every American will get a text from President Trump. Then at 2:18 AM, they’ll get a drunk text from Brett Kavanaugh. “Yoush still up?”
Speaking of the Supreme Court nominee. It just came out that Kavanaugh once got into a bar fight where he threw a drink at someone cuz he thought it was the singer from the 80's band UB40. But Kavanaugh denied it – he says that his calendar shows he was busy that night throwing a drink at Duran Duran.
That’s right, Kavanaugh threw a drink into a man’s face cuz he thought he was the lead singer of the reggae band UB40. Republican Senators had a lot of questions – like, “What’s reggae?”
Some more news here. I saw that Stormy Daniels’ book “Full Disclosure” came out today. And this is very cool, when Stormy talks about sleeping with Trump, the book goes from a hardcover to a softcover.
I heard that this week, LAX airport announced they’re gonna let travelers bring small amounts of pot in their carry-ons. But they’ll also look the other way if you wanna hide it in your butt for old times’ sake.
And this week airport officials in Rome blew up a suspicious suitcase, but it turned out to be full of coconuts. Then a Hawaiian woman was like, “What the hell – my bras!”
And finally, Southwest Airlines is holding a giant sale this week, offering some flights for $49. People asked, “What’s the catch?!” and Southwest said, “You have to fly Southwest.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.3.18
Guys, from the new movie, “A Star Is Born,” Bradley Cooper is here! In the film, he plays a drunk in the middle of a downward spiral – or as Brett Kavanaugh calls it, “The feel good movie of the year!”
Let’s get to some news here. Today at 2:18 PM, as part of a new emergency alert system, President Trump texted the entire country at once. And Trump said whoever responded first will officially become the next Supreme Court justice.
That’s right, there’s a new FEMA alert system that allowed Trump to text the whole country. It was a historic moment cuz it’s the first time Eric Trump has ever gotten a text from his dad.
Here’s another big story. The New York Times is reporting that Trump got an allowance from his dad that made him a millionaire by age 8. And this is cute – by age 9, he’d already filed for his first bankruptcy.
Earlier today, Instagram was down for an hour. Then Americans said, “Why didn’t we all get an emergency alert about THAT?!”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.4.18
Guys, I wanna say congrats to the New York Yankees! Last night they beat the Oakland A’s and got one step closer to the World Series. But now the players are nervous, cuz they’re also one step closer to having to meet the president.
But it was a great game for the Yankees – they won 7-2. The postgame locker room was nuts – the whole team drank almost as much as Brett Kavanaugh.
Speaking of the Supreme Court nominee, The FBI finished its report on Kavanaugh this morning and delivered it to the U.S. Capitol at 4 A.M. And this is crazy – the delivery guy actually passed Kavanaugh stumbling home from the bar.
But a lot of people were surprised that the FBI took less than a week to conduct their investigation. It’s like when your dad hears a noise downstairs, shines a flashlight for two seconds, then goes, “It’s nothing!”
I’m not saying the FBI investigation was short... but Trump lasted longer with Stormy Daniels.
Actually, I heard that for their investigation, the FBI only interviewed nine people. It’s crazy – this is for a seat on the Supreme Court. You talk to more than nine people when you order a burrito at Chipotle.
Guys, listen to this. A new poll found that 12 percent of Americans think Dwight D. Eisenhower commanded troops in the Civil War. Even worse, 75 percent think President Wilson was a volleyball.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 10.5.18
Well, it's Friday, October 5th, and people are calling today the first anniversary of the “Me Too” Movement. President Trump said he plans to celebrate the way he does with all his anniversaries: totally ignoring it.
Hey, listen to this. I just read that Stormy Daniels’ new book is now a best-seller on Amazon. It’s Amazon’s only item where you click “Add to Cart” and a message pops up saying, “Are you sure?”
Check this out. The Pentagon is looking into building an insect army to defend crops. When asked how they came up with the idea for an insect army, the Pentagon said, “The President saw ‘Ant-Man.’”

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: OCTOBER 5 – OCTOBER 12

Friday, October 5: Guests include Mark Ruffalo and Student Organizers from March for Our Lives, Travis Scott and Jaboukie Young-White. Show 939

Monday, October 8: Guests include Anthony Anderson, Shaquille O’Neal and musical guest Dinah Jane ft. Ty Dolla $ign & Marc E. Bassy. Ray Angry sit-in with The Roots. Show 940
Tuesday, October 9: Guests include John Cena, Maggie Gyllenhaal and musical guest H.E.R. Show 941

Wednesday, October 10: Guests include Timothée Chalamet, Amandla Stenberg, Guy Raz and musical guest Ella Mai. Show 942

**Thursday, October 11: Guests include Jonah Hill, Charles Barkley and musical guest Bazzi. Show 943

**Friday, October 12: Guests include Alec Baldwin, Anthony Mackie and LeClerc Andre. Show 944

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: OCTOBER 3 – OCTOBER 10

Wednesday, October 3: Guests include Bradley Cooper, Kathryn Hahn and musical guest Jim James. Show 937

Thursday, October 4: Guests include Billy Crystal, Gisele Bündchen and musical guest Quavo. Show 938

Friday, October 5: Guests include Mark Ruffalo and Student Organizers from March for Our Lives, Travis Scott and Jaboukie Young-White. Show 939

**Monday, October 8: Guests include Anthony Anderson, Shaquille O’Neal and musical guest Dinah Jane ft. Ty Dolla $ign & Marc E. Bassy. Ray Angry sit-in with The Roots. Show 940

Tuesday, October 9: Guests include John Cena, Maggie Gyllenhaal and musical guest H.E.R. Show 941

**Wednesday, October 10: Guests include Timothée Chalamet, Amandla Stenberg, Guy Raz and musical guest Ella Mai. Show 942

These listings are subject to change.
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'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: OCTOBER 2 – OCTOBER 9

Tuesday, October 2: Guests include Claire Foy, Chelsea Clinton, Lil Wayne and musical guest Lil Wayne. Show 936

Wednesday, October 3: Guests include Bradley Cooper, Kathryn Hahn and musical guest Jim James. Show 937

Thursday, October 4: Guests include Billy Crystal, Gisele Bündchen and musical guest Quavo. Show 938

Friday, October 5: Guests include Mark Ruffalo and Student Organizers from March for Our Lives, Travis Scott and Jaboukie Young-White. Show 939

Monday, October 8: Guests include Anthony Anderson, Shaquille O’Neal and musical guest Dinah Jane ft. Ty Dolla $ign. Show 940

**Tuesday, October 9: Guests include John Cena, Maggie Gyllenhaal and musical guest H.E.R. Show 941

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: OCTOBER 1 – OCTOBER 8

Monday, October 1: Guests include Nick Offerman & Megan Mullally, Post Malone and musical guest The National. Show 935

Tuesday, October 2: Guests include Claire Foy, Chelsea Clinton, Lil Wayne and musical guest Lil Wayne. Show 936

Wednesday, October 3: Guests include Bradley Cooper, Kathryn Hahn and musical guest Jim James. Show 937

Thursday, October 4: Guests include Billy Crystal, Gisele Bündchen and musical guest Quavo. Show 938

**Friday, October 5: Guests include Mark Ruffalo and Parkland Students, Travis Scott and Jaboukie Young-White. Show 939

**Monday, October 8: Guests include Anthony Anderson, Shaquille O’Neal and musical guest Dinah Jane ft. Ty Dolla $ign. Show 940

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' September 24 – September 28

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.24.18
Guys, from the hit show "This Is Us," Mandy Moore is my guest tonight! The new season starts tomorrow, and we get to see how her character Rebecca first met Jack. It's the 70s, so they just walked up to each other and said, "Swipe right!"
President Trump is in New York this week for the U.N. General Assembly. Yep, a large gathering of diplomats from foreign countries, or as Trump calls it, “Boring Miss Universe.”
That’s right, there are lots of foreign leaders here in New York City for the U.N. It’s that special time of year when New Yorkers get road rage, then realize they just flipped off the King of Norway.
But I saw that while he’s here, Trump gets to stay at his old apartment in Trump Tower. You can tell he’s excited to be home, cuz his little paws kept scratching at the front door before it was opened.
Earlier today at the U.N., Trump said he’s planning another meeting with Kim Jong Un. They’d actually meet sooner, but Trump’s waiting for Amazon to deliver their matching onesies.
Here’s some good news. Over the weekend, Michelle Obama officiated a wedding in Chicago. The couple would’ve asked Barack to do it, but they wanted to keep the ceremony under two hours.
Yesterday, Tiger Woods won his first tournament in five years. It was a huge moment for golf. I read that it had been over 1,800 days since Tiger Woods last won. Then the Cleveland Browns were like, “That’s it?!”
I saw that Weight Watchers is shortening its name to “W.W.” Which means in the next Weight Watchers commercial, you’ll see the name bragging about how it dropped 12 letters.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.25.18
Guys, Taraji P. Henson is my guest tonight! And we’ve got the biggest boy band on the planet – BTS is on the show tonight! Since they got to New York, they’ve been greeted by thousands of screaming fans. Then another guy in New York was like, “You hear that? They love me here!”
That’s right, President Trump is here in New York. He spoke at the U.N. today, but he actually showed up late to his speech. Apparently on the way in, his tie got caught in the escalator.
I saw that Trump arrived at the U.N. alongside Melania. But keep in mind, “alongside” for Melania means she was three cars behind him.
Trump spoke at the U.N., and halfway through his speech, every foreign leader there was begging to be deported.
Tonight was the season premiere of “This Is Us.” People who’ve been watching NBC all summer were like, “Wow, this is a REALLY sad episode of American Ninja Warrior.”
Get this, guys. The co-founders of Instagram are planning to leave the company. But we all know they’re just gonna open another one under a different name so their parents can’t see it.
Listen to this, you guys. A school bus driver in Indiana was fired after it came out that she let students take turns driving the bus. Afterward, Greyhound was like, “We’ll take her!”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.26.18
I’m Jimmy Fallon, and if this all goes well, I might get as many laughs as Trump’s speech at the U.N.
Did you guys hear about this? After U.N. diplomats laughed at his speech yesterday, President Trump said it was supposed to be funny. So basically Trump is that guy who trips in front of everyone, and then tries to turn it into a tiny jog.
And get this. After a toast at the U.N., Trump was spotted drinking Diet Coke out of a wine glass. But only after sniffing a sample and swirling it around first. “Full-bodied. Hints of aluminum. Vintage: 2017.”
That's right, Trump drank Diet Coke out of a wine glass. Which is what the rest of America does when their dishwasher is broken.
I read that Trump just got a new 1.5 million dollar limo – and it fires tear gas, has night vision, and can lay down an oil slick to make anyone chasing it spin out of control. Even crazier – Melania’s bedroom door does the exact same thing.
Yeah, the limo fires tear gas and lays down oil slicks for car chases. So I’m pretty sure Trump was like, “Build me the Batmobile.”
Oh, this isn’t good. Today a third woman accused Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh of sexual misconduct, and now Trump wants to take Kavanaugh’s defense into his own hands. Which is weird, cuz men taking things into their own hands is the reason this all started in the first place.
Hey, did you hear about this? Dunkin’ Donuts has officially shortened its name to just “Dunkin’.” Yeah, “Dunkin’.” It’s way better than their first idea for a shorter name... “D’s Nuts.”

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.27.18
Today was the big Senate hearing for President Trump’s Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh and his accuser, Dr. Christine Blasey Ford. Trump said he was clearing his schedule to watch on TV – then realized his schedule already said, “Watch TV all day.”
Actually, Trump watched the hearing while flying on Air Force One. You could tell it wasn’t going well, cuz midway through, Trump tried stepping outside to get some air.
But it’s not good. Judge Kavanaugh’s been accused of sexual misconduct by several women, and many Republicans are still defending him. Americans were like, “Here’s an idea – just pick a different judge!” (There are thousands of judges – Judge Judy, Judge Joe Brown, Simon Cowell.)
Oh, get this. Yesterday, Robert Mueller was spotted at an Apple store. When he said his computer’s really slow, the employee said, “Like, ‘normal slow’ or ‘your investigation’ slow?”
And finally, I heard that Kanye West was recently spotted wearing a Make America Great Again hat and a Colin Kaepernick sweatshirt. And yet, somehow it’s still the least confusing thing Kanye has ever done.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.28.18
Paul Giamatti is here tonight! Common is here tonight! And we’ve got magic from America’s Got Talent Winner Shin Lim! Yeah, and after yesterday’s Senate hearing, hopefully he can make everyone in Washington disappear.
Speaking of leaving Washington, I saw that next week First Lady Melania Trump is going to Africa on a humanitarian visit. But when she gets there, people will be like, “How can WE help YOU?”
I heard that Africa will be Melania’s first big solo trip as First Lady. In response, Donald was like, “I love Africa – it’s my favorite song by Toto.” (“I bless the rains down in Africa!”)
I saw that for the first time, Canadians are now eligible to compete on “Survivor.” Which’ll be great, until they all politely vote THEMSELVES off.
Hey, listen to this. Alaska Airlines might start giving out virtual reality headsets to first-class passengers. Meanwhile, if you’re in coach, they just duct-tape an in-flight magazine to your forehead.
This is interesting. I heard that IHOP is now making their own beer. It’s perfect for people who think Waffle House beer is just a little too trashy.
I read that Taco Bell’s breakfast menu is pretty popular, but nobody’s ordering their coffee. Probably cuz drinking coffee after eating Taco Bell is like dropping a pack of Mentos into some Diet Coke.
You can now take at-home STD tests. Healthcare experts say it’s perfect for anyone who likes to panic in the comfort of their own home.
A new study found that hand-dryers in bathrooms spread more germs than paper towels. Then the makers of hand-dryers said, “But don’t forget — we also don’t dry your hands.”

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: SEPTEMBER 28 – OCTOBER 5

Friday, September 28: Guests include Paul Giamatti, Common and Shin Lim. Show 934

Monday, October 1: Guests include Nick Offerman & Megan Mullally, Post Malone and musical guest The National. Show 935

Tuesday, October 2: Guests include Claire Foy, Chelsea Clinton, Lil Wayne and musical guest Lil Wayne. Show 936

Wednesday, October 3: Guests include Bradley Cooper, Kathryn Hahn and musical guest Jim James. Show 937

Thursday, October 4: Guests include Billy Crystal, Gisele Bündchen and musical guest Quavo. Show 938

**Friday, October 5: Guests include Travis Scott and Jaboukie Young-White. Show 939
These listings are subject to change.

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'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: SEPTEMBER 27 – OCTOBER 4

Thursday, September 27: Guests include Ricky Gervais, Shawn Mendes and musical guest Shawn Mendes. Show 933

Friday, September 28: Guests include Paul Giamatti, Common and Shin Lim. Show 934

Monday, October 1: Guests include Nick Offerman & Megan Mullally, Post Malone and musical guest The National. Show 935

Tuesday, October 2: Guests include Claire Foy, Chelsea Clinton, Lil Wayne and musical guest Lil Wayne. Show 936

Wednesday, October 3: Guests include Bradley Cooper, Kathryn Hahn and musical guest Jim James. Show 937

**Thursday, October 4: Guests include Billy Crystal, Gisele Bündchen and musical guest Quavo. Show 938

These listings are subject to change.
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'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: SEPTEMBER 26 – OCTOBER 3

**Wednesday, September 26: Guests include Alexander Skarsgård, Justin Hartley and musical guest Bad Bunny. Show 932

Thursday, September 27: Guests include Ricky Gervais, Shawn Mendes and musical guest Shawn Mendes. Show 933

Friday, September 28: Guests include Paul Giamatti, Common and Shin Lim. Show 934

**Monday, October 1: Guests include Nick Offerman & Megan Mullally, Post Malone and musical guest The National. Show 935

**Tuesday, October 2: Guests include Claire Foy, Chelsea Clinton, Lil Wayne and musical guest Lil Wayne. Show 936

**Wednesday, October 3: Guests include Bradley Cooper, Kathryn Hahn and musical guest Jim James. Show 937

These listings are subject to change.
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QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' September 17 – September 21

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.17.18
Guys, this weekend was the start of Hispanic Heritage Month. And today President Trump hosted an event at the White House to celebrate. He was like, “It’s important to recognize this country’s great Hispanic people: Dora The Explorer, and that hot chick from Modern Family.”
That’s right, Trump was at an event celebrating Hispanic Heritage. And this is nice, he even brought along Jeff Sessions to be the piñata.
FEMA has a new emergency alert system that would let Trump send a message to every cell phone in the U.S. They even have a name for it – "Twitter."
Hey, I read that Coca-Cola might be working on a drink that’s infused with weed. They’re still gonna put your name on the side of the can – cause it’s the only way you’ll remember it.
And finally, a squirrel was just spotted riding the subway in Toronto. It got even more gross when he showed everyone on the train his nuts.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.18.18
Big news, you guys. Stormy Daniels has written a book about Trump, and an advance copy just came out. She actually writes about her night with Trump in detail. Which explains why every book comes with a bottle of Pepto Bismol and a straw.
Listen to this. There’s a new trend in makeup right now called “draping.” It’s where people blend their eyeshadow and blush together. Or as that’s also known, “sweating.”
I heard about an Arby’s in California that’s offering customers free Arby’s tattoos. It’s the perfect way for people to show that they don’t care about the inside OR outside of their body.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.19.18
Tomorrow, President Trump is holding a campaign rally in Las Vegas. And afterwards, his staff will take him to the Hoover Dam and try to convince him it’s “The Wall.”
But President Trump actually has several plans while he’s in Vegas. For instance, he’s gonna throw a penny in the Bellagio Fountain and wish he never met Stormy Daniels.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.20.18
I saw that President Trump is on the campaign trail, and he’s spending the night in Las Vegas. Which means tomorrow he’ll wake up in a hotel room with a tiger, a baby and a face tattoo.
That’s right, Trump is campaigning for the midterms in Las Vegas. And out of habit, the moment he walked into a casino, it went bankrupt.
But Trump’s having a good time out there. After his speech, he visited the Paris Hotel and New York, New York. Then he said, “Wow, the world is a lot smaller than I thought.”
Oh, and this morning, Trump tweeted that Americans who are unhappy with their jobs should start looking for new ones. Then five minutes later, he walked into the West Wing and everyone was gone.
Here’s some sports news. The 2020 Olympics are in Tokyo, and I saw that Japan wants to light the Olympic torch with a flying car. So whether it works or not, by the end of the ceremony, something will be on fire.
And this is nice. North and South Korea say they want to host the 2032 Summer Olympics together. The highlight will be when the athletes try pole-vaulting from North Korea into South Korea.
Guys, I heard that Meghan Markle is coming out with a cookbook. But since she’s a royal, the “cookbook” just says, “Step one: sit and wait for food.”
Hey, today is National Pepperoni Pizza Day, Free Queso Day and Free Sushi Day. And if you’re celebrating all three of those foods together, congrats! You’re pregnant!

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.21.18
Guys, the weekend is here! But President Trump is already gearing up for next week. He’s set to speak at the United Nations in front of 140 world leaders. It’ll be awkward when he blurts out, “This is like a real-life version of ‘It’s a Small World!’”
Get this. It came out that Trump told a European politician to build a wall across Africa to keep out immigrants. Yeah, he wants a wall here, he wants a wall there – when Trump visits China, he’ll be like, “Finally, someone listened to me!”
A pair of candlesticks that Trump once owned are being sold for 6,000 dollars. Yeah, Trump decided to get rid of them when they didn’t talk like the ones in Beauty and the Beast. (“At least do a dance!”)
I read that the FDA is launching a new campaign against teen vaping. Cuz we all know if there’s one way to get kids to stop smoking, it’s hearing from all those cool cats at the Food and Drug Administration.
I read that more New Yorkers are biking to work. Which is good news for the environment, but bad news for their co-workers who have to hear them brag about it.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: SEPTEMBER 21 – SEPTEMBER 28

Friday, September 21: Guests include Chrissy Teigen, Ryan Eggold and Dan White. Show 929

Monday, September 24: Guests include Mandy Moore, John David Washington, Marcus Mumford and musical guest Mumford & Sons. Show 930

Tuesday, September 25: Guests include Taraji P Henson, BTS and musical guest BTS. Show 931

Wednesday, September 26: Guests include Alexander Skarsgård, Shaquille O'Neal and musical guest Bad Bunny. Show 932

**Thursday, September 27: Guests include Ricky Gervais, Shawn Mendes and musical guest Shawn Mendes. Show 933

**Friday, September 28: Guests include Paul Giamatti, Common and Shin Lim. Show 934
These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: SEPTEMBER 19 – SEPTEMBER 26

Wednesday, September 19: Guests include Kevin Hart (co-host) and Robert Irwin. Show 927

Thursday, September 20: Guests include Jack Black, Angela Bassett and musical guest Josh Groban. Show 928

Friday, September 21: Guests include Chrissy Teigen, Ryan Eggold and Dan White. Show 929

Monday, September 24: Guests include Mandy Moore, John David Washington, Marcus Mumford and musical guest Mumford & Sons. Show 930

Tuesday, September 25: Guests include Taraji P Henson, BTS and musical guest BTS. Show 931

**Wednesday, September 26: Guests include Alexander Skarsgård, Shaquille O'Neal and musical guest Bad Bunny. Show 932

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: SEPTEMBER 18 – SEPTEMBER 25

Tuesday, September 18: Guests include Queen Latifah, Kelly Clarkson and musical guest Tony Bennett and Diana Krall. Show 926

Wednesday, September 19: Guests include Kevin Hart (co-host) and Robert Irwin. Show 927

Thursday, September 20: Guests include Jack Black, Angela Bassett and musical guest Josh Groban. Show 928

Friday, September 21: Guests include Chrissy Teigen, Ryan Eggold and Dan White. Show 929

**Monday, September 24: Guests include Mandy Moore, John David Washington, Marcus Mumford and musical guest Mumford & Sons. Show 930

**Tuesday, September 25: Guests include Taraji P Henson, BTS and musical guest BTS. Show 931

These listings are subject to change.
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QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' September 10 – September 13

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.10.18
Well guys, President Trump’s still trying to figure out who wrote the anonymous New York Times op-ed about him. You can tell he’s getting desperate – today he yelled, “That’s it – get me the gang from Scooby Doo!”
This weekend, Kellyanne Conway said the author of the op-ed wants to “create chaos” and is a “national security risk.” Then Trump was like, “Wait, maybe I wrote it!”
After former President Obama said you’d need a “magic wand” to bring back certain jobs, Trump said, “I guess I have a magic wand.” Then Stormy Daniels was like, “Fake news.”
I read that Trump says he has the “ultimate deal” to make peace in the Middle East. But first, he says he wants to make peace between Cardi B and Nicki Minaj.
Some entertainment news. I saw that Jeopardy host Alex Trebek grew a beard. When his wife saw it, she said “What is...that on your face?”
Hey, listen to this. After losing all 16 of their games last season, the Cleveland Browns first game of the year ended in a tie. Yep, the Cleveland Browns: Even when they don’t lose, they don’t win.
And finally, I heard about a college student in Canada who emailed everyone at his school named Nicole, Nicky, Nicolette and Nik trying to find the woman he met at a bar. Meanwhile the actual woman was like, "Phew! Thank God I gave him a fake name!"

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.11.18
Guys, Bob Woodward’s book “Fear: Trump In The White House” hit stores today. It’s expected to be a number one best seller – until another tell-all book about Trump comes out tomorrow.
Actually, the book is already at the top of the bestseller lists for Amazon and Barnes & Noble. Yeah, it’s been purchased almost a million times on Amazon...and twice at Barnes & Noble.
At one store in Washington, people were lined-up to buy the book at midnight. It was awkward when Trump drove by, looked out the window, and was like, “Melania??”
Oh, and in the book, Woodward says Trump’s plan to eliminate the federal debt was to just print more money. Before his staff could stop him, Trump ran to Kinkos with a hundred dollar bill and said, “Make me a trillion copies!”
Some sports news. Last night on Monday Night Football, the New York Jets beat the Lions, 48-17. Jets fans were so excited, they took the paper bags off their heads and started breathing into them.
And finally, I heard that South Korea has "stress cafes" where people can go to take a break from their day. Or as they're known here in America, "bars."

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.12.18
Guys, Fashion Week wrapped up today here in New York City. It’s pretty cool actually – everything on the runway will be in stores by 2019 and on the floor at TJ Maxx by 2030.
Hey, I heard Kanye West said that Kim Kardashian is actually enrolled in law school. When he found out, President Trump said, “I wanna change my Supreme Court nominee!”
Speaking of the president. The White House is now planning a second meeting between Trump and Kim Jong Un. Which means in the last few months, Trump will have seen Kim Jong Un twice as many times as he’s seen Melania.
I heard there’s a new documentary about dating apps called “Swiped.” People thought the preview looked good, but when they showed up, it looked like a completely different movie.
But the big movie this weekend is the reboot of “The Predator.” When they first heard the title, people thought, “Isn’t it a little early for Les Moonves to stage a comeback?”
And finally, I saw that Disney World has a special fall menu that includes a Pumpkin White Russian. Yup, a Pumpkin and a White Russian. Or as that's also known: collusion.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.13.18
Tonight we’re making history as the first late night show ever in Central Park! But you guys, I was born in New York, raised in New York, I live in New York now – I’m such a New Yorker I can honestly say... I’ve been to Central Park like once before.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: SEPTEMBER 14 – SEPTEMBER 21

Friday, September 14: Guests include Paul McCartney, Kendall Jenner and musical guest Paul McCartney. OAD 9/6/18

Monday, September 17: Guests include Reese Witherspoon, Lenny Kravitz and musical guest Lenny Kravitz. Show 925

Tuesday, September 18: Guests include Queen Latifah, Kelly Clarkson and musical guest Tony Bennett and Diana Krall. Show 926

**Wednesday, September 19: Guests include Kevin Hart (co-host) and Robert Irwin. Show 927

**Thursday, September 20: Guests include Jack Black, Angela Bassett and musical guest Josh Groban. Show 928

**Friday, September 21: Guests include Chrissy Teigen, Ryan Eggold and Dan White. Show 929

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

KEVIN HART TO CO-HOST ‘THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON’ ON WEDNESDAY, SEPT. 19

NEW YORK – Sept. 12, 2018 – Comedy superstar Kevin Hart will share co-hosting duties when he appears on “The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” on Wednesday, Sept. 19.
Following the opening monologue, Hart will sit down and chat with Fallon about his upcoming comedy “Night School,” which opens in theaters on Sept. 28. The two will also join animal expert Robert Irwin, star of the new Animal Planet series featuring the Irwin family, for an always enjoyable presentation of his animal friends. 

This will mark Hart’s eighth appearance on “The Tonight Show.” He has memorably participated in several fan-favorite moments with Fallon, including conquering his fear of rollercoasters at Universal Orlando Resort and visiting one of New York City’s scariest haunted houses

Earlier this year “The Tonight Show” introduced a series of co-hosting superstars, beginning with Cardi B on April 9. 

From Universal Television and Broadway Video, “The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon” is executive produced by Lorne Michaels and produced by Gerard Bradford, Mike DiCenzo and Katie Hockmeyer. Jamie Granet-Bederman produces. “The Tonight Show” tapes before a live studio audience from Studio 6B in 30 Rockefeller Center.

'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' LISTINGS: SEPTEMBER 11 – SEPTEMBER 18

**Tuesday, September 11: Guests include Matthew McConaughey and musical guest Future. Show 922

Wednesday, September 12: Guests include Daniel Radcliffe, Matt Czuchry and musical guest Teyana Taylor. Show 923

Thursday, September 13: Guests include Blake Lively, Carrie Underwood and musical guest Carrie Underwood. Show 924

**Friday, September 14: Guests include Paul McCartney, Kendall Jenner and musical guest Paul McCartney. OAD 9/6/18

**Monday, September 17: Guests include Reese Witherspoon, Lenny Kravitz and musical guest Lenny Kravitz. Show 925

**Tuesday, September 18: Guests include Queen Latifah, Kelly Clarkson and musical guest Tony Bennett and Diana Krall. Show 926

These listings are subject to change.
**denotes changes or additions

QUOTABLES FROM 'THE TONIGHT SHOW STARRING JIMMY FALLON' September 4 – September 7

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.4.18
Guys, Labor Day’s over. So get out your fall clothes! And then just put them away cuz it's 100 degrees outside.
Let’s get to some news here, you guys. In his upcoming book about the White House, reporter Bob Woodward says that President Trump regrets criticizing white supremacists and called it the “biggest f---ing mistake” he’s made. Then Trump looked at Don Jr. and said, “Actually, SECOND biggest mistake.”
And White House Correspondent Major Garrett also has a new book, where he says reporters can’t give Trump “an inch.” In response, Stormy Daniels was like, “That’s about what he gave me.”
Guys, get this. It just came out that Omarosa communicated with other White House staffers using Facebook Messenger to hide her conversations. Though if you really want to hide a conversation on Facebook, just start it with, “OK, I usually don’t get political on here, but…”
Did you hear about this? Former NFL quarterback Colin Kaepernick is the new face of Nike’s “Just Do It” campaign. President Trump was so upset, he told his staff to throw away all his Nike workout gear – then they said, “Sir, you don’t have ANY workout gear.”
Some people are upset with Nike over their new campaign with Colin Kaepernick and are even destroying their Nike gear in protest. Then Kaepernick was like, “Oh, so you LIKE protests now?”
I read that DJ Khaled just launched his own furniture line that includes gold couches, gold lion statues and even a throne. You can find it at Pier One in the “Drug Lord” section.
Check this out. Finland just hosted a contest to crown the World Air Guitar Champion. Afterward, the winner held up her air trophy and hugged her air husband and kids.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.5.18
Bob Woodward’s book is out about the president. It’s already a best seller on Amazon. Between Woodward and Omarosa’s books, Trump has done something incredible – he’s Made America Read Again.
Yeah, Woodward’s book is about working for Trump, and it’s called, “Fear: Trump In The White House.” That was actually his second choice for a title, cuz “The Babysitter’s Club” was already taken.
Check this out. Today, the New York Times published an anonymous article from a senior White House official that criticizes Trump. When Trump heard he screamed, “Oh my God – the fake news is coming from INSIDE the house!”
Yeah a senior official wrote an anonymous op-ed about Trump. Even stranger, the official signed it, “XOXO, Gossip Girl.”
Oh, and today, confirmation hearings continued for Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh. At one point, a protester screamed, “Sham president, sham justice!” Then security escorted Ruth Bader Ginsburg out of the room.
I read that Joe Biden will decide whether he’s running for president in 2020 by this January. He’s gonna take a coin and say, “Heads, I run. Tails, I flip again until I get heads.”
Hey guys, I heard that the Pumpkin Spice Latte is already on sale at Starbucks. Because when it’s 95 degrees outside, nothing’s more refreshing than some hot gourd juice.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.6.18
You guys, we have Paul McCartney on the show tonight! In a recent interview, he said that he once saw God while he was doing psychedelic drugs. Paul was like, “Oh man – that’s God!” While God was like, “Holy crap – that’s Paul McCartney!”
We’re excited here at NBC, not just because of Paul McCartney, but because the NFL season kicked off tonight with a game between the Atlanta Falcons and the Philadelphia Eagles. It’s perfect timing for Eagles fans, cuz they JUST sobered up from the Super Bowl.
Of course, Fantasy Football also began tonight. It’s a fun way for people who are bad at real sports to realize they’re also bad at IMAGINARY sports.
Oh, and I saw that later this season, the NFL will hold a game in Mexico. It's all part of the league’s plan to combine as many things that Trump hates as possible.
Speaking of the president. After one of his staffers wrote an anonymous op-ed criticizing him, Trump’s trying to find out who it was. Today he said, “It’s kinda fun. It’s like I’m playing a REAL-LIFE version of Blue’s Clues.”
Today at Brett Kavanaugh’s Supreme Court confirmation hearing, Democrats released some of his confidential emails from 2003. Republicans were furious that his emails were being read – then Hillary was like, “Sucks, doesn’t it?”
I heard that Ford is recalling two million F-150 trucks because of fire concerns. Then owners were like, “Driving my F-150 while it’s on fire? What’s more badass than that?!”
I saw that Starbucks recently opened its first store in Italy. And this is weird – over there the sizes are Small, Medium and Large.

Jimmy Fallon Quotables 9.7.18
Last night, President Trump held a big rally in Montana. When he first got there, Trump said, “Take me to your leader, Hannah Montana.”
Trump told the crowd that he has the mental fitness to be president. Then to prove it, he tried to strap a Fitbit around his head. “4,000 STEPS!”
Last night, Space-X founder Elon Musk smoked pot on a podcast. You can tell he really liked it cuz now he’s building a rocket that goes from Taco Bell to White Castle.
Yeah, Elon Musk smoked on a podcast, but said, “I’m not a regular smoker of weed.” People had a feeling he wasn’t a “regular smoker of weed” when he used the phrase “regular smoker of weed.”
A new study found that olive oil may be more effective for men than Viagra. At first, men were like, “It’s not working.” And then doctors were like, “You’re supposed to drink it, you creeps.”

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