HIGHLIGHTS FROM "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'S WEEKEND UPDATE WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE" January 21, 2017
“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “Donald Trump was sworn in as the 45th President of the United States. Many have noted that the crowd at the inauguration was smaller than usual. But you can’t expect people to stand outside in the cold rain knowing they’re about to lose their healthcare.”
“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “On Thursday, an inaugural concert featuring 3 Doors Down, Lee Greenwood, and Toby Keith was held in front of the Lincoln Memorial. It was the second-worst live performance Lincoln has ever attended.”
JOST – “Donald Trump was sworn in as president using two Bibles: Abraham Lincoln’s bible, from 1860, and Trump’s personal bible, still in its original wrapping.”
JOST – “Outgoing President Barack Obama gave his final press conference on Wednesday and he told the American people, ‘I think we’re going to be okay.’ Which sounds comforting, but remember, ‘It’s gonna be okay,’ is also what George tells Lenny at the end of ‘Of Mice and Men.’”
JOST – “In total during his two terms in office, President Obama commuted the prison sentences of a record 1,385 future Democrats.”
CHE – “The Women’s March in Washington was held today. It’s estimated that the turnout was twice as big as the inauguration. But, ya know, size doesn’t matter, am I right ladies? No? I’m not right? It’s the number 1 thing? Okay.”
CHE – “It was an amazing show of support for feminism. But some feminist groups were asked not to march because of their pro-life views. Which raises the question: what makes a feminist a feminist? It’s confusing. My mother raised 7 kids by herself. She’s the strongest woman I know, so I asked her if she was a feminist and she said, ‘Boy! God made Adam and Eve!’ And I was like…that’s not what that means…”
CHE – “A feminist is really just someone who believes in equal rights for women. And that’s easy to get behind. That is until you see an actual feminist screaming into a cop’s face, wearing a homemade uterus hat and then you’re like, oh there are levels to this.”
CHE – “I just think it’s weird to get a special name for just being a reasonable person.
Because that’s all it is. Believing in equality just means you’re not a dick. And for me, that’s enough. I support women’s rights for the same reason I won’t let my cousin rob Colin. It’s because I’m not a dick.”
CHE – “Scientists in Britain have uncovered a 4,000 year-old etching of a face in a rock, which may be the first ‘Stone Age selfie.’ Or, and hear me out, it isn’t.”
JOST – “Handwritten letters by founding father Alexander Hamilton were sold at auction for more than $2 million. And you know they’re authentic because they all begin, ‘Yo my name is Hamilton and I’m here to say…’”
JOST – “McDonald’s has announced that it will be offering two new versions of the Big Mac—one for each type of diabetes.”
CHE – “A new study shows that the global temperature has reached a record high, and the bumble bee has been added to the endangered species list, which is very alarming. But it’s hard to get people to freak out about bees dying or global warming because everybody loves warm weather and they hate bees. Maybe if it was the other way around people would be getting involved. Maybe if the weather report in Miami was like, ‘Yo, tomorrow is gonna be a high of 8 degrees, and mad bees.’”
JOST – “A couple in Maryland were arrested after they were discovered having sex in their car while two kids were in the backseat. Worse, the kids kept asking, ‘Are you there yet?’”
JOST – “It was announced that after more than 140 years, the Ringling Brothers Circus will close in May due to falling ticket sales and protests from animal rights groups. The animals will be released into sanctuaries while the clowns will be released into the woods.”
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