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HIGHLIGHTS FROM "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'S WEEKEND UPDATE WITH COLIN JOST AND MICHAEL CHE" November 3, 2018
“WEEKEND UPDATE”
ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “President Trump announced that he will deploy more
than 15,000 troops to the U.S.-Mexico border to stop a migrant caravan
from entering the country. Meanwhile, a second migrant caravan just
pulled up to landscape Mar-a-Lago.”
JOST – “They’re
calling this mission to the border Operation Faithful Patriot. Which
sounds like a company that sells reverse mortgages and catheters. And
fun fact, ‘Faithful Patriot’ is also what Mike Pence yells out during
sex.”
“WEEKEND UPDATE”
ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “You know who’s getting off way too easy in all
this, is Canada. I mean there are two borders on this country, but
they’re only stopping Mexicans. Meanwhile, you know how easy it is to
get to this country from white ass Canada? I bet Drake just uses a Tim
Hortons card.”
CHE – “Old white
people have the strangest fears. Of all the things that actually should
scare them – salt, stairs, bath tubs, Joel Osteen – why are you freaking
out about Mexicans? If anything, you need to send the troops to stop
your grandkids from stealing your pain pills.”
JOST – “The Trump
campaign has launched a new ad with the slogan, ‘Things Are Getting
Better. We Can’t Go Back.’ In my experience, a good way to tell that
things are not getting better is that someone feels the need to tell you
that things are getting better. For example, the subway is full of ads
about how the subway is improving. I know because I read these ads when
I’m trying not to make eye contact with a guy taking a dump in a clear
plastic bag. That said, it’s still better than the Democrats’ midterm
slogan, ‘Oh Man, Are We Gonna Blow This Again?’”
CHE – “The midterms
are Tuesday, and this election will probably come down to people who
never vote. Like me. Personally, I’m saving myself for someone special. I
just don’t think everybody’s vote should count the same. There’s no way
my vote should count as much as Obama’s. If two doctors disagree on a
diagnosis, they don’t turn to the janitor and say, ‘You wanna break this
tie, Carl?’ I am gonna vote this time though, because people tell me
this is the most important one. Then again they said that the last time.
It’s like getting a bill that says, ‘Final Notice.’ It’s never the
final notice. If it were, you’d be like, ‘Good. I guess I just went to
college for free then, bitch!’ I know a lot of white liberals are
probably watching this and blaming me for not voting. But it’s not my
fault! They’re the ones wasting their vote in places like New York.
They’re not even from here. If you really wanna make a difference, why
don’t you go back to Ohio, Megan. Or wherever your parents are paying
your rent from, and vote there. That’s where it counts. You know how
those red states stay so red? By sending all their liberal kids to
coastal cities to study improv.”
JOST – “Former
President Obama was in Florida Thursday preaching a message of hope and
unity. Okay, but did he know that he was speaking in Florida? In
Florida, Hope is just the name of a stripper who took bath salts and bit
off her neighbor’s face. And face it, the whole idea of unity went out
the window two years ago. I mean Ben & Jerry’s is releasing a new
flavor called, ‘Pecan Resist,’ to honor people who protest the Trump
administration. It’s never a great sign for democracy when ice cream is
taking sides.”
JOST – “Rapper 50
Cent continued his long-standing feud with Ja Rule by buying 200
front-row tickets to his recent concert so they would all be empty.
Ironically, 200 tickets to a Ja Rule concert costs exactly 50 cents.”
JOST – “The
Philadelphia City Council approved a resolution honoring Gritty, the new
Philadelphia Flyers mascot. After lawmakers passed the measure, Gritty
kept his end of the deal by releasing their children.”
CHE – “Two male
penguins in a same sex relationship have hatched their first egg. Or,
and hear me out, male penguins look exactly like female penguins.”
JOST – “A nun in
Colombia, who had lived in a convent for eight years, has left the
clergy to become a porn star. Destroying the otherwise spotless sexual
reputation of the Catholic Church.”
JOST – “A man in New
Mexico was shot in the back by his dog after the animal rested his paw
on a rifle on the back seat, and it slipped. Ok, but then why had the
dog Googled, ‘how to shoot gun’?”
CHE – “The inventor of the MetroCard died this week – while waiting for the L train.”
For more information on “Saturday Night Live,” visit http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/
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