Saturday, November 10, 2018




“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “President Trump announced that he will deploy more than 15,000 troops to the U.S.-Mexico border to stop a migrant caravan from entering the country. Meanwhile, a second migrant caravan just pulled up to landscape Mar-a-Lago.”

JOST – “They’re calling this mission to the border Operation Faithful Patriot. Which sounds like a company that sells reverse mortgages and catheters. And fun fact, ‘Faithful Patriot’ is also what Mike Pence yells out during sex.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “You know who’s getting off way too easy in all this, is Canada. I mean there are two borders on this country, but they’re only stopping Mexicans. Meanwhile, you know how easy it is to get to this country from white ass Canada? I bet Drake just uses a Tim Hortons card.”

CHE – “Old white people have the strangest fears. Of all the things that actually should scare them – salt, stairs, bath tubs, Joel Osteen – why are you freaking out about Mexicans? If anything, you need to send the troops to stop your grandkids from stealing your pain pills.”

JOST – “The Trump campaign has launched a new ad with the slogan, ‘Things Are Getting Better. We Can’t Go Back.’ In my experience, a good way to tell that things are not getting better is that someone feels the need to tell you that things are getting better. For example, the subway is full of ads about how the subway is improving. I know because I read these ads when I’m trying not to make eye contact with a guy taking a dump in a clear plastic bag. That said, it’s still better than the Democrats’ midterm slogan, ‘Oh Man, Are We Gonna Blow This Again?’”

CHE – “The midterms are Tuesday, and this election will probably come down to people who never vote. Like me. Personally, I’m saving myself for someone special. I just don’t think everybody’s vote should count the same. There’s no way my vote should count as much as Obama’s. If two doctors disagree on a diagnosis, they don’t turn to the janitor and say, ‘You wanna break this tie, Carl?’ I am gonna vote this time though, because people tell me this is the most important one. Then again they said that the last time. It’s like getting a bill that says, ‘Final Notice.’ It’s never the final notice. If it were, you’d be like, ‘Good. I guess I just went to college for free then, bitch!’ I know a lot of white liberals are probably watching this and blaming me for not voting. But it’s not my fault! They’re the ones wasting their vote in places like New York. They’re not even from here. If you really wanna make a difference, why don’t you go back to Ohio, Megan. Or wherever your parents are paying your rent from, and vote there. That’s where it counts. You know how those red states stay so red? By sending all their liberal kids to coastal cities to study improv.”

JOST – “Former President Obama was in Florida Thursday preaching a message of hope and unity. Okay, but did he know that he was speaking in Florida? In Florida, Hope is just the name of a stripper who took bath salts and bit off her neighbor’s face. And face it, the whole idea of unity went out the window two years ago. I mean Ben & Jerry’s is releasing a new flavor called, ‘Pecan Resist,’ to honor people who protest the Trump administration. It’s never a great sign for democracy when ice cream is taking sides.”

JOST – “Rapper 50 Cent continued his long-standing feud with Ja Rule by buying 200 front-row tickets to his recent concert so they would all be empty. Ironically, 200 tickets to a Ja Rule concert costs exactly 50 cents.”

JOST – “The Philadelphia City Council approved a resolution honoring Gritty, the new Philadelphia Flyers mascot. After lawmakers passed the measure, Gritty kept his end of the deal by releasing their children.”

CHE – “Two male penguins in a same sex relationship have hatched their first egg. Or, and hear me out, male penguins look exactly like female penguins.”

JOST – “A nun in Colombia, who had lived in a convent for eight years, has left the clergy to become a porn star. Destroying the otherwise spotless sexual reputation of the Catholic Church.”

JOST – “A man in New Mexico was shot in the back by his dog after the animal rested his paw on a rifle on the back seat, and it slipped. Ok, but then why had the dog Googled, ‘how to shoot gun’?”

CHE – “The inventor of the MetroCard died this week – while waiting for the L train.”
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