Wednesday, February 7, 2018



“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “President Trump authorized the release of a memo that claims the FBI improperly spied on his campaign, despite warnings from the FBI and the Department of Justice, that the memo was inaccurate. Cuz if anyone is concerned with accuracy, it’s Mr. 239 pounds.”

JOST – “This memo came from 40-year-old virgin, Devin Nunes, who is Chairman of the House Intelligence Committee. I gotta say I don’t really trust this guy to untangle a vast conspiracy. I wouldn’t really trust him to untangle a pair of headphones. I’m trying to put myself in his shoes, and it’s pretty easy ‘cause his shoes are Velcro. But I don’t understand how any of this is important. So I’m going to treat this memo like every memo I’ve ever received at work and completely ignore it. At this point if you actually want to get my attention, the bar is set at ‘Porn Star Spanks President with Magazine.’ Also this is a four page memo that ‘cherry-picks’ information from a FISA document that’s 50 to 60 pages long. It’s like when you see a blurb for ‘Transformers 5,’ and it says ‘It blew my mind…’ when the full quote is, ‘It blew my mind… that God allowed this.’”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “First of all, you know damn well Donald Trump didn’t read this memo. It’s four pages long. And the only time Donald Trump reads four pages in a row is when he’s ordering breakfast.”

JOST – “President Trump gave his first State of the Union address on Tuesday and received mostly positive reviews. But that’s only because we expect so little from Trump at this point that when he behaves even remotely human, we’re all really impressed. It’s sort of like when you see a video of a rat taking a shower, and you think, ‘Aww, look he’s doing human stuff!’”

JOST – “President Trump tweeted that he had the highest ratings ever for a State of the Union address, which – get this – wasn’t true. Even Fox News fact checked him on it. You know you’re running your mouth too much when even your hype man is like, ‘Yo, that ain’t exactly accurate tho.’”

JOST – “In a new interview, President Trump stated that he is not a feminist. Was he getting accused of that a lot?”

CHE – “After Jay-Z criticized President Trump’s vulgar comments about African nations, Trump responded with, ‘Somebody please inform Jay-Z that because of my policies, Black Unemployment has just been reported to be at the lowest rate ever recorded.’ Yeah, because of Obama, not the awful jobs that you brought in! Black people ain’t trying to sling coal. Trump is just appropriating Obama’s success. It’s no different than white women taking credit for ‘Yas Queen.’”

JOST – “Tomorrow night the New England Patriots will face the Philadelphia Eagles in Super Bowl LII. So whether you’re a Pats fan or an Eagles fan, remember: child support was due on the first.”

JOST – “It was reported that a sequel is in the works for the Mel Gibson movie, ‘The Passion of the Christ.’ So get ready to see ‘I Still Know What Jews Did Last Summer.’ You know, I refuse to see another ‘Passion of the Christ’ movie unless Jesus has a line, ‘You crossed the wrong guy.’”

CHE – “Molly Schuyler has set a new world record at this year’s Wing Bowl by eating 501 wings, breaking the previous record of 28. Molly will be using the prize money to soundproof her bathroom.”

JOST – “United Airlines prevented a passenger from bringing an emotional support peacock on a cross-country flight. Because the only emotional support bird they should allow on a plane is Grey Goose. Also when has a bird ever put anyone at ease? Let alone in a confined space. No one’s ever used the phrase, ‘Oh good. A bird’s inside.’”
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“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “President Trump reportedly ordered the firing of Robert Mueller last June but backed down when the White House counsel threatened to resign. So he tried to obstruct justice in an obstruction of justice investigation? That’s like getting pulled over for drunk driving and then challenging the cop to a keg stand. My concern is Trump tries to obstruct justice so often, and so publicly, that it doesn’t even register as a crime anymore. No one’s still trying to convict the Hamburglar for stealing hamburgers. Cause at this point that’s just what he does.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “Trump’s lawyer, Ty Cobb had to tell the President the investigation was almost over just to calm him down. What do you mean, ‘Calm him down?’ You shouldn’t have to do that to a president, that’s what you do to a dog during a fireworks display. ‘Shh, it’s okay boy. It’s almost over.’”

CHE – “I do love that Trump tried to fire Mueller, and now he has to sit with him and answer all of his questions. That’s gotta be awkward. You ever try to press ‘Door Close’ on somebody in an elevator, but they make it anyway? And now you gotta talk to Colin about white golfers.”

JOST – “While in Davos [Switzerland], Trump met with the President of Rwanda just a week after Trump used a vulgar term to describe African nations. The meeting began awkwardly when Trump tossed him his car keys and told him not to scratch the finish.”

CHE – “Republicans have begun blaming a ‘secret society’ within the FBI for undermining the Trump presidency. And I believe it. That’s why hating on Donald Trump is so frustrating for me. Because he constantly re-affirms all of my black paranoia. Just when I think he’s insane, he’ll say something that makes perfect sense like, ‘The media is lying, the FBI is tryna do me like they did 2pac.’ And I’m like, ‘They did kill 2pac, didn’t they.’”

JOST – “U.S. Customs and Border Protection agents are being criticized after they arrested a woman on a Greyhound bus in Florida who did not have identification proving her citizenship. Man, if there’s one thing you don’t expect when you’re on a Greyhound bus in Florida, it’s for things to get worse.”

JOST – “The Philadelphia Eagles will face the New England Patriots in this year’s Super Bowl. Making it the first Super Bowl where the fans have even worse brain damage than the players. Go Giants!”

CHE – “At least a dozen camels participating in Saudi Arabia’s camel beauty pageant have been disqualified because their owners injected their lips with Botox. But other than that, it was just a perfectly normal camel beauty pageant.”

CHE – “A Brooklyn man, who needed a kidney transplant, found one after spending a week at Disney World wearing a shirt with this kidney request. Which explains why Goofy woke up in a bathtub full of ice.”

JOST – “Some Olympics fans are excited after it was announced that Tonga’s shirtless oiled up flag-bearer from the Summer Games has also qualified for the upcoming Winter Olympics. Where he’ll be the first guy to do the luge without needing a sled.”

JOST – “Bacardi Rum announced that they are merging with Patron Tequila. But I thought Bacardi and Patron had already merged to form Pitbull.”

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“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “Well, congratulations to Donald Trump who managed to keep our government open for almost one whole year! The government shut down at midnight last night over disagreements regarding immigration. President Trump has blamed Minority Leader Chuck Schumer for the shutdown, because Trump never misses a chance to blame a minority.”

JOST – “Also why is shutting down our entire government even an option? America has been around for 240 years – maybe it’s time we just buy our government instead of leasing it month-to-month. This is people’s lives, not a Kia Sorento. Even production on ‘House of Cards’ didn’t shut down after the main guy was accused of being a full predator. If a fake government can keep going, so can we. Also in that fake government, they got rid of the sexual predator president and got a female president instead. So… just something to think about.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “So since the government shut down, do we still have to pay taxes for the whole year? Do we get prorated? When my cable shut down, Comcast gave me free HBO for a month. I feel like the government owes us like, an eagle or an apple pie or something.”

JOST – “This week, I was finally able to Google Stormy Daniels on my work computer. In an interview from 2011, porn star Stormy Daniels said that while she was having an affair with Donald Trump he told her she was ‘beautiful and smart just like his daughter.’ Which is somehow the grossest thing a man has ever said to Stormy Daniels.”

JOST – “I just love watching Mike Pence during all of this. He’s a buttoned-down conservative Christian, and now he’s gotta go ride or die with Caligula. At this point, Pence would probably be more comfortable as a judge on ‘RuPaul’s Drag Race.’”

CHE – “The worst part about that was that it was so lame. An old rich dude cheated on his wife with a porn star. Clutch my pearls. I thought we’d at least hear some freaky details. I mean Donald Trump grabs women by the vagina as his opener. So his actual sex must be insane right? But the craziest thing we got was that he was spanked with a magazine, and he’s afraid of sharks? Of course he’s afraid of sharks. The man has the body of a seal.”
JOST – “On Tuesday, the White House doctor held a press conference where he read the results of Trump’s physical. And we have some of the results right here. EKG, normal, blood pressure, normal, urine, loves it. The doctor said that President Trump also took a cognitive test and did ‘exceedingly well.’ But it wasn’t an IQ test. It was an ‘are you okay’ test. One of the questions was literally ‘draw a clock.’ The last president to fail this test was Lincoln after the play.”

CHE – “I for one am happy to know that the president has a normal functioning brain, because it would suck to find out that all this time, I’ve been making fun of a mentally challenged dude. If he would’ve failed that mental exam, it would’ve changed everything. People from other countries would be like, ‘Hey, you’re from America where they elected that mentally challenged guy. That’s awesome!’”

CHE – “Hundreds of marches took place around the world today to protest President Trump’s first year. Single handedly saving the pink yarn industry. I support the women’s movement, but it’s kinda hard to take someone serious wearing a vagina hat. If Martin Luther King gave his speech wearing a black penis hat, he’d probably still be alive today.”
CHE – “President Trump tweeted that unemployment for Black Americans is at ‘the lowest ever recorded.’ Um, I don’t know man. I’m pretty sure that before the civil war black unemployment was at like, zero.”

CHE – “Police in Washington State say they’re trying to find the owner of an urn full of cremated remains that was donated to a Goodwill location. ‘Um, what did the urn look like?’ said an employee who just made coffee.”

JOST – “This week marked Chris Christie’s final day as Governor of New Jersey. And to honor him, pants were worn at full mast.”

JOST – “Scientists in Taiwan have caught a rare shark that can extend its jaws beyond its mouth to swallow large fish in one bite. Officials say the shark is cleaning up on Gridnr.”

JOST – “The British government has appointed a ‘Minister of Loneliness’ to deal with health problems stemming from social isolation. This replaces the current British ‘Minister of Loneliness,’ Sam Smith.”

CHE – “A Pennsylvania man was arrested for walking his dog without wearing any pants. Even worse, he was walking him to get more peanut butter.”

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“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “The book ‘Fire and Fury,’ a salacious exposé of the Trump White House, was released last week. And then this week, the sequel wrote itself. During an Oval Office meeting, Trump attacked protections for immigrants from African countries, which he called ‘s-holes.’ That’s what NBC asked us to say, by the way. ‘S-hole.’ Even though the President can say ‘shithole.’ Oops. At this point, I feel bad for parents with young children. Every word you tell your kid not to say, they can be like, ‘But the President gets to say it!’”

JOST – “The most insane thing is that Trump said all this racist stuff right before Martin Luther King Day, which is like pounding a case of beer on your way to rehab. Now I’m just worried about what he’s going to say the day before Passover.”

JOST – “Trump also said that instead we should take more immigrants from countries like Norway, and Norwegians were like, ‘America? We’re not going to that Shatter-Hoven.’”
“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “Can I be honest? When someone asked me, ‘Did you hear what Donald Trump called Haiti and Africa?’ I was like, ‘Oh boy! Did it start with an “N”?’ But then I heard what he said, and I was like, ‘That’s it?’ I’ve said that about countries for not having a CVS. Here’s the thing. My job is to make jokes about the news. But Trump saying something racist isn’t exactly news anymore. It’d be news if Trump said, ‘You know what we need more in this country? Haitians.’ And by the way, he’s not the only one here that thinks like that. I’ve lived in this country my entire life, and I’ve been asked to go ‘back to Africa’ several times, and it’s never been because they thought I’d enjoy it there.”

CHE – “But Donald, you do realize how rich these places are in resources, right? I mean, they’re in bad shape because they’ve been robbed and exploited for centuries by western powers. So the President of the United States calling Africa a ‘shithole’ is like telling a kid you molested, ‘Boy, did you grow up to be weird.’”

JOST – “It was reported that just before the election last year, President Trump’s personal lawyer arranged a six-figure payment to cover up an alleged affair between Trump and porn star Stormy Daniels. So at least there’s one storm Trump will pay for. And let me just say what a thrill it is to be alive in a time where ‘Porn Star Blackmails President’ is like the fourth biggest story of the week. At this rate in a year from now, we’re gonna see the headline ‘Trump Found with Dead Hooker’ right next to the crossword puzzle.”

CHE – “In a new interview, President Trump said that his tweets antagonizing Kim Jong Un are part of his strategy, saying, ‘You’ll see that a lot with me. Then all of a sudden, somebody’s my best friend.’ It’s a strategy experts are calling ‘early onset dementia.’”
JOST – “Speaking of dementia, Trump underwent a physical exam on Friday, and his staff released a statement announcing that Trump is in quote ‘excellent health.’ That’s right, this guy. President Drumstick is in excellent health. I think I wanna see the full medical report because unless his chart says, ‘Blood type: Thick,’ I’m skeptical.”

CHE – “After Oprah Winfrey’s Golden Globes speech, many in the public are calling for a run at the presidency in 2020. Ugh. Can’t we just have a regular one for a while? Just a regular boring old white dude president that smiles and shape shifts into a lizard at night? I’m tired of all these fun ideas for president. I miss boring politics. I miss when people would ask me, ‘Hey, did you hear what the president said?’ and I’d be like, ‘No.’”

CHE – “H&M has a apologized after using a black child to model a sweatshirt with the logo, ‘Coolest Monkey in the Jungle.’ Worse, the shirt was made by ‘The Saddest Child in the Sweatshop.’”

JOST – “Steve Bannon announced that he will be stepping down from Breitbart News. Although technically he’s not stepping down so much as he’s sliding away in a trail of mucus.”

JOST – “It was reported that back in December President Trump during a meeting in the Oval Office referred to a member of the staff as a ‘pretty Korean lady.’ Worse, it was Jared Kushner.”

CHE – “The New York City commission on monuments has decided that statues of controversial historical figures, such as Christopher Columbus, will not be torn down because…it’s just not what we care about this week.”

JOST – “General Motors announced that it’s making a line of self-driving cars that has no steering wheel, no gas or brake pedals, no windows, and it’s a coffin.”

JOST – “Kohler has introduced a new toilet that can be flushed by voice-command. So get ready to hear your co-worker in the next stall yelling, ‘Flush! Please flush! For the love of God, flush!’”

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“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “Congratulations to Alabama’s newest Senator… Not Roy Moore. That’s literally what it’s gonna say on his nameplate. Doug Jones has become the first Democrat to win a Senate seat in Alabama in over 20 years. Said Roy Moore, ‘Gross, over 20 years?’”

JOST – “After Jones’ victory, President Trump tweeted, ‘Congratulations to Doug Jones… The people of Alabama are great, and the Republicans will have another shot… It never ends!’ That’s it? He just went all in for an accused pedophile and when he lost, Trump’s just like, ‘Well, we had fun! Good game guys!’ Like nothing happened. He could be removed from office tonight, and tomorrow he’d tweet, ‘Congrats to Robert Mueller on a great investigation. Had a fun time being president. Catch you on the flippity-flop! #DietCokeTime’”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “Democratic National Committee chairman Tom Perez tweeted, ‘#BlackWomen led us to victory… and we can’t take that for granted.’ Mmm… but I bet you will. And you know why? It’s because democrats know that black people aren’t really democrats. We just vote for the guy that looks less likely to put us on a boat. Here’s how I vote. I look at both candidates. I listen to them speak. And then I ask myself, ‘If I got pulled over, which one of these candidates would I rather see approaching my car?’ And it’s almost always not the one on a horse.”

JOST – “Nine senators this week have called on President Trump to resign from office over the allegations of sexual assault. The problem is you’re never gonna shame President Grab-ass out of office. Shame for Trump is like spinach for Popeye. It only makes him stronger. Especially with inappropriate sex stuff. Cuz he’s already openly bragged about it. He didn’t go on Howard Stern 37 times to talk about real estate. All I’m saying is it’s hard to assassinate a guy’s character when his character already committed suicide 40 years ago.”

CHE – “I think President Trump should at least consider resigning. I mean, you’ve made your point already, dude. The political system is broken, and probably rigged, and any idiot that understands television could mobilize the angriest people in the country with lies and insults and still somehow be more likable that Hillary Clinton. Point taken! We’ve learned our lesson. If this were a Christmas movie, this would be the part where you winked at the camera and disappeared, and then we realized you lived inside of us the whole time.”

JOST – “There were no female directors nominated for a Golden Globe this year. It’s a snub women in Hollywood are calling, ‘the least of our problems.’”

JOST – “Police in Illinois arrested a man for drunk driving after he crushed his car into a ditch and told officers that his name was ‘Burger King.’ Police then took out their tazers and had it their way.”

CHE – “Two generic versions of the erectile dysfunction drug Viagra are now available. Perfect for when the moment strikes and you want to tell that special lady: ‘Hey baby, I’m broke.’”

JOST – “It was reported that a six year-old boy who reviews toys on YouTube made 11 million dollars this year. ‘That’s right,’ said his parents, ‘You made 50 whole dollars!’”

CHE – “Consumer watchdog groups are warning that devices like Amazon’s Echo and Google Home may be recording people all the time. Which explains why all of the ads that pop up on my computer are for Gas-X.”

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“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “With all the complex issues facing America right now, President Trump decided to relax and solve a much simpler problem. The Middle East. Trump formally recognized Jerusalem as the capital of Israel this week, and you’re not going to believe this but Jews and Muslims had different reactions. Trump basically made the announcement, flicked a cigarette and walked away in slow motion.”
JOST – “Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas warned President Trump in a phone call that the move would result in ‘dangerous consequences.’ And it didn’t help that Trump ended the call by wishing Abbas ‘Merry Christmas’ and asking for extra falafel.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “I don’t know why anybody would take sides in the Middle East conflict, unless they’re actually from the Middle East. It’s like watching your girlfriend’s parents fight. You’re just supposed to quietly nod and say, ‘I hear you.’ I don’t know nothin’ about the Middle East. I have one Palestinian friend. And every time I ask him about the Middle East, he says, ‘Che, I’m Pakistani.’”

JOST – “After Trump slurred his speech on Wednesday the White House announced that he will undergo a physical exam early next year, and the results will be made public. Which sounds great, but will Dr. Muppet be doing it? Because if he is, someone’s gonna have to shake him out of his ‘ludes coma first.”

JOST – “Congress has passed a temporary extension that will prevent a government shut down this weekend. So, for now, ‘a government shut down’ is just when a woman tells a senator to pull his pants back up.”

JOST – “Three members of Congress resigned this week after allegations of sexual misconduct. And you know what that means: Time to open three more doors on our Sexual Harassment-themed Advent Calendar.”

JOST – “President Trump also endorsed Roy Moore this week saying, ‘Go get ‘em, Roy!’ Come on, man. When you’re endorsing an accused child molester, you can’t say ‘Go get ‘em!’ This isn’t Pedophile Pokémon. And if it is, we should probably keep an eye on Squirtle. By the way ‘Go get ‘em, Roy!’ is also what Roy Moore whispers to himself right before he walks into a Hot Topic.”

CHE – “Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore responded to critics by tweeting, ‘I think they’re afraid I’m going to take Alabama values to Washington.’ No. we’re afraid you’re gonna take your values to Washington. Why do people always blame their terrible behavior on where they’re from? Like when a guy whips out his junk on the subway and screams, ‘Only in New York, baby!’”

JOST – “According to a report President Trump did not invite any Democrats to the White House Hanukkah Party on Thursday. Which is like not inviting any gay people to the ‘Tony Awards.’ It’s not a good look when the most Jewish person at your Hanukkah Party is Ivanka Trump.”

JOST – “Pizza Hut has announced that it will start testing beer and wine delivery in certain cities. Cities such as Lonelytown and North Shamefield.”

CHE – “At least four major wild fires have broken out around Los Angeles, forcing the evacuation of over 150,000 residents. The fires are the worst thing spreading in LA since Harvey Weinstein’s bathrobe.”

JOST – “Applebee’s is selling $1 Long Island Iced Teas for the rest of 2017. This according to a teacher sleeping at her desk.”

CHE – “It was reported that while singer R. Kelly was away on tour, thieves broke into his Atlanta home and took nearly everything from it. Damn, I bet he was pissed.”

JOST – “A woman in Bristol, England, says she’s had sex with at least 20 ghosts. Or, hear me out, British dudes are just super pale.”

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“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “Well, the good news for President Trump is that his tax plan just passed the Senate. The bad news is he might not be president long enough to sign it.”

JOST – “Former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn plead guilty to charges that he lied to the FBI during their investigation of Trump’s ties to Russia. Or as Fox News reported it, ‘Did Hillary Clinton secretly join ISIS?’ These days, I have to say it’s just refreshing to see a powerful man plead guilty for something that isn’t sexual harassment. When I heard Flynn was in trouble, I was like, ‘Wait, he only lied to the FBI? He didn’t also whip it out during a meeting? Solid guy!’”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “President Trump knew we had a show tonight, so he was kind enough to go on Twitter and do half of our job for us. He said, ‘I had to fire General Flynn because he lied to the Vice President and the FBI.’ Ah, thanks, man – I got it from here. So you knew Flynn lied and then asked Comey to stop his investigation? That’s obstruction! Who’s your lawyer? Oh right, the oatmeal guy. You know, what’s the crazy thing is that as bad as this looks, this is still Donald Trump we’re talking about. And I’ve heard people say, ‘Oh, there’s no way Trump walks from this one!’ at least 38 times already. But this slippery bastard is still the president somehow. I mean, what else does the FBI need? They have like a 95 percent conviction rate, a high ranking snitch and a confession on Twitter. So if this time next year, Donald Trump isn’t in prison corn-rolling some brother named Lunchmeat’s hair, then damnit, I want the ‘oatmeal guy’ as my lawyer too.”

JOST – “After news of Flynn’s plea broke, former FBI Director James Comey tweeted a Biblical verse saying, ‘But let justice roll down like waters and righteousness like an ever-flowing stream.’ It’s a powerful reminder that no matter what you think about James Comey, we can all agree that he’s a humongous dork. Also, his use of the phrase ‘ever-flowing stream’ makes me think he has seen that Russian pee tape.”

JOST – “The Senate also voted to pass a $1.5 trillion tax reform bill early this morning that experts say would add $1 trillion to the national debt. Wow, I knew Trump was going to run the country like a business. I just didn’t know he was going to run it like one of his businesses. Experts also say the plan will give huge tax cuts to households making over $1 million a year. Of course, all that money will eventually trickle down – first from rich parents to their kids, and then from those kids to their molly dealers at Coachella.”

CHE – “You know, once the Republicans get this tax bill passed, they won’t need Donald Trump anymore. They got what they wanted. I mean, it’s not like they like you. Don’t you think it’s a little odd that they passed this bill at 2 a.m. without reading it – the same night they found out Flynn was snitching on you? They know something. It’s like your family showing up to your hospital room saying, ‘Look, we need you to sign this will tonight!’ Can I read it first? ‘No time!’”

JOST – “President Trump also hinted in a tweet this week that MSNBC anchor Joe Scarborough should be investigated for an ‘unsolved murder.’ Can we just take a second to appreciate that that story barely even registered as news? At any other time in history, the headline ‘President Openly Accuses Man of Murder’ would probably make the front page. Now it’s just part of the ‘Wacky News Corner’ right next to ‘Local Squirrel Learns Karate’ and ‘North Korea Can Now Nuke All of U.S.’”

JOST – “YouTube has removed more than 150,000 videos dues to disturbing content involving children. But if you still want to watch disturbing content involving children, there’s always the Alabama Senate race.”

JOST – “Trump criticized Roy Moore’s Democratic opponent Doug Jones as a Chuck Schumer puppet. But he’s not a Chuck Schumer puppet. Statler from the Muppets – that’s a Chuck Schumer puppet.”

CHE – “The New York Giants announced that they were going to bench quarterback Eli Manning for the first time in more than 13 years. So if you see Eli Manning looking sad, that’s just how he always looks.”

JOST – “A new survey finds that four out of five Americans believe that sexual harassment is happening in the workplace – while one out of five couldn’t respond because their boss’s penis was blocking the keyboard.”

JOST – “On Wednesday, the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree was lit. And so was Ann Curry.”

CHE – “According to new allegations against Matt Lauer, the former Today Show host gave a female colleague a sex toy as a gift, which is a bad thing. So I guess that means I should return the Secret Santa gift I got for Colin.”

JOST – “In a new interview, Jay-Z admitted that he cheated on Beyonce. Yeah man, we know.”

JOST – “A historian in Virginia believes a Confederate statue of Robert E. Lee may have a time capsule in it containing an extrememly rare photo of Lincoln lying in his coffin. Starring Nicolas Cage.”

CHE – “According to a new study, dogs are smarter than cats. But I don’t know – I’ve never heard of a cat falling for the peanut butter trick.”

JOST – “A special performance of the off-Broadway show ‘Afterglow’ is being held this Sunday in which all the performers and the audience will be naked. It’s the play critics are calling, ‘Maybe Not Right Now?’”

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“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “Thursday is Thanksgiving, and there’s so much to be thankful for this year. Unless you’re a human woman.”

JOST – “More than a dozen women have now accused actor Jeremy Piven of sexual assault, spanning more than 30 years. The allegations were revealed in the shocking documentary, ‘Entourage.’”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “This week House Republicans passed a tax reform bill. Republicans claim the bill cuts taxes for everyone, from billionaires all the way down to regular ol’ millionaires, like Colin! The bill relies heavily on ‘trickle-down’ economics. But don’t worry it’s only called a trickle. You’re actually getting hosed. How do poor people keep getting Catfished into voting Republican? It’s like watching Forrest Gump get ditched by Jenny over and over and over again.”

JOST – “Paul Ryan said the tax plan will ‘increase take-home pay, grow the economy, and sustain long-term opportunities.’ ‘Increase.’ ‘Grow.’ ‘Sustain.’ Where have I seen those words before? Oh I know – on those sex pills at the deli counter. We already tried this tax plan in the 80s, and it didn’t work. Just like I tried those sex pills at the deli and now have to wear fake eyebrows.”

CHE – “A company in Texas is offering a service that will allow people to make an identical clone of their dog for 50,000 dollars. That story again: For 50,000 dollars, a company in Texas will sell you a different Golden Retriever.”

JOST – “NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is reportedly seeking a contract extension that would provide him with a salary of 50 million dollars, use of a private jet and lifetime health insurance for him and his family. That’s how expensive healthcare is! He’ll make 50 million dollars a year and he’s still like, ‘What about health care though?’”

JOST – “A man in India has set a new world record for longest moustache, growing out to over 18 feet. It’s all part of his plan to someday die on an escalator.”

JOST – “It was revealed that Prince William and Prince Harry will make cameos in the new ‘Star Wars’ movie as Stormtroopers. Even more surprising, this whole time it’s been Queen Elizabeth inside C-3PO.”

CHE – “A man in Arizona is claiming that he can relieve sinus pressure in his nose by masturbating. He first made the claim while police were removing him from the bus.”
JOST – “The makers of Pokémon Go are now developing a similar game based on the world of Harry Potter. The game will be called, ‘Harry Potter and the Kids Who Wandered Into Oncoming Traffic.’”

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“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “Well, it’s Veterans Day, and Donald Trump celebrated by finally going to Vietnam. First Lady Melania Trump stayed behind in China to visit the Beijing Zoo, while President Trump continued on to Vietnam, where he met with Russian president Vladimir Putin in their best Hillary Clinton blouses. During the meeting, Putin denied meddling in the election, and Trump said he believes him. But keep in mind that Trump also believes his wife when she said she was staying behind to visit the zoo. That’s my favorite new excuse for when you don’t want to hang out with someone. ‘Ah man, I’d love to, but I’ve got zoo stuff.’”

JOST – “During a speech in South Korea, President Trump warned North Korea to ‘not underestimate us.’ Which sounds tough, but then he immediately left the country. That’s like if in ‘Braveheart,’ William Wallace ended his speech with, ‘And they’ll never take our freedom! Anyway, I gotta run…zoo stuff. Peace.’”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “Earlier this week, North Korea issued a statement calling President Trump a ‘lunatic old man.’ And a few hours ago, Trump responded by tweeting, ‘Why would Kim Jong-un insult me by calling me “old,” when I would NEVER call him “short and fat”?’ Now, a lot of times Donald Trump goes way over the line with his tweets. But this time, that was pretty damn funny. I mean look at how vain and catty he is. They’re like, ‘You lunatic old man!’ and he’s like, ‘OLD?’”

CHE – “President Ms. Thang also said that this week’s shooting in Texas ‘isn’t a gun situation,’ but instead a ‘mental health problem at the highest level.’ But why can’t it be both? I mean, why can’t it be that because we have a mental health problem, we now have a gun situation? Just like how because my little cousin has a crack problem, my aunt now has a ‘missing silverware’ situation.”

JOST – “Well, it’s a good weekend to stay inside – since it’s 20 degrees out, and everyone you’ve ever heard of is a sex monster.”

JOST – “Alabama Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore has been accused of having inappropriate sexual relations when he was in his thirties with several teenage girls. Now I’m not saying he’s guilty, but his naughty little cowboy outfit is screaming it. It looks like a guy who shows up at ‘Westworld’ and says, ‘Hey, can someone show me where the middle school is?’ And how are we still surprised that someone who puts the Ten Commandments up everywhere doesn’t follow them? What’s next, it turns out the guy who always jokes about masturbating wasn’t joking about masturbating?”

CHE – “Alabama State Auditor Jim Ziegler defended Roy Moore using Mary and Joseph as examples, saying, ‘Mary was a teenager, and Joseph was an adult carpenter. They became parents of Jesus.’ Oh word? So that’s what you’re going with? Roy Moore was trying to make a Jesus? Ok, so I guess R. Kelly was just trying to make it rain for 40 days and 40 nights.”

CHE – “Democrats swept Tuesday’s elections in Virginia, New Jersey and New York, which are already blue states, so it’s a small victory for liberals but a victory nonetheless. Kinda like when you get an Uber and the driver’s white, and you’re like, ‘Oh. That’s nice.’”

CHE – “Also on Tuesday, Danica Roem became the first transgender candidate to win a seat in Virginia’s House of Delegates, defeating Bob Marshall, who called himself the state’s ‘chief homophobe.’ In fact, he’s so homophobic, he refused to get within eight points of her.”

JOST – “It was reported that Mike Pence has formed a Vice Presidents Club with Joe Biden and Dick Cheney, routinely calling them for advice. ‘Well, that sounds like a stupid club,’ said Al Gore to no one.”

CHE – “Sean Combs announced that he is once again changing his name, this time to ‘Brother Love’ as in ‘Damn, this brother love attention.’”

JOST – “The state of Vermont has officially recognized Ultimate Frisbee as a high school varsity sport…Dad.”

JOST – “Hidden Valley is now selling a five liter keg filled with ranch dressing, though the keg will only be sold in states that allow assisted suicide.”

CHE – “A new study finds that sheep have the ability to recognize faces. So remember, farmers: Always hit it from the back.”

CHE – “OJ Simpson’s parole may be revoked after he was thrown out of a Las Vegas hotel bar for being too drunk and throwing glasses. But come on, give him a break – I mean, you’d drink a lot too if your ex-wife was murdered.”

JOST – “Archaeologists in Egypt have discovered a 2000-year-old gymnasium, which featured a workout room, a racetrack…and based on my experience in gyms, the remains of an old man blow-drying his testicles.”

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“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “After the indictment of former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort, who also played Shooter McGavin in ‘Happy Gilmore,’ it was reported that Manafort has three different U.S. passports and traveled to Mexico, China and Ecuador with a phone he registered using an alias. So I don’t know what he’s guilty of, but it’s definitely not nothing. No one has three passports, a burner phone and good intentions, except maybe Santa Claus.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “President Trump lashed out on Twitter about the indictments from the Russia probe, and the unfair news coverage probably, and I’m sure he brought up ‘crooked Hillary’ again. Look I gotta be honest, I can’t read any more of this guys’ tweets. I’m tired of watching the President of the United States have an emotional breakdown on social media like he’s Tyrese. It’s embarrassing.”

CHE – “If you want to live tweet ‘Morning Joe’ or ‘Cupcake Wars,’ fine. But indictments are important. And you work for us. So go put on your baggy suit, fold your hair nice and answer all of our questions face to face like the public servant that you are. We shouldn’t have to wonder if our President is communicating to us from his toilet.”

JOST – “In response to the terrorist attack this week in Manhattan, President Trump has promised to end the ‘Diversity Immigrant Visa Lottery,’ which by the way, was named in order to make Fox News viewers’ heads explode. Obviously this attack was awful, but I’m not sure we should get rid of an entire immigration program based on the actions of one deranged individual. I mean we don’t look at Trump and say, ‘We should get rid of all Presidents.’”

CHE – “Paul Ryan said the new tax plan would make filing taxes so simple that people can do their taxes on a postcard. But I don’t want simple taxes ‘cause it probably means I’ll have to pay exactly what I owe. I want complicated as hell taxes, on a bunch of papers, with a bunch of questions, so I can lie. When somebody tells you, ‘Hey, I got a great tax guy,’ they don’t mean he’s gonna make taxes simple for you. They mean you’re about to claim your fleshlight as a dependent.”

JOST – “Advisors who are planning President Trump’s trip to Asia have warned officials in each country that Trump is not comfortable with new cuisines, and prefers familiar foods, like well-done steak and ice cream. They’d also like easier mazes on his placemats.”

CHE – “The CEO of American Airlines met with the head of NAACP over allegations that the airline is racially biased. And I bet they both showed up late. See it’s okay for me to make that joke because I’m racist. You know of all the stereotypes against black people I have never heard that we are bad on planes. Now if you said the NAACP had a meeting with the CEO of Loews movie theaters, yeah that tracks. But black people are awesome on planes. We always have our own headphones. We always leave our socks on. We never talk to strangers unless we’re telling you to shut that baby up. The real people you need to be worried about on planes are white women named Gail who clap when the plane lands.”

JOST – “MTV has launched a spin-off of its hit ‘Jersey Shore’ series set on the coast of Alabama and Florida called ‘Floribama Shore.’ Where the cast members can contract Gonormydia.”

JOST – “A mom in Wisconsin told police that she found a packet of meth in her child’s Halloween candy. Right after police asked her why she was raking the leaves naked at midnight.”

JOST – “A new report ranks the New York City subway system as the best in the country. This is according to ‘Masturbating Hobo Monthly.’”

CHE – “November is National Impotency Month. But I just can’t get excited.”
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“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “Apple has announced that it will add hundreds of new emojis to its iOS system, including a person at a spa, a vomiting face, and a shushing figure. Finally giving emoji fans the ability to describe what it was like to work for Harvey Weinstein.”

JOST – “Weinstein, who has been accused of multiple counts of sexual assault, is reportedly going to Europe for sex rehab. Somehow I don’t think that’s going to help anybody. He doesn’t need sex rehab. He needs a specialized facility where there are no women, no contact with the outside world, metal bars, and it’s a prison.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “You know, this is a tough spot for a comedian, because it’s so hard to make jokes about sexual assault. But it’s so easy to make jokes about a guy that looks like this. He looks like chewed bubble gum rolled in cat hair.”
CHE – “Weinstein told reporters that he was seeking help and added, ‘We all make mistakes.’ No man. A mistake is me walking into the wrong bathroom and using it anyway because I was crowning. But you assaulted dozens of women. That’s not a mistake. That’s a full season of Law & Order. Your name is a verb now dude. As in, ‘If this guy tries to Weinstein me, I’m gonna cut off his little Harvey.’ Ugh doesn’t he look like a well-dressed skin tag?”

JOST – “After issuing a series of executive orders designed to dismantle the Affordable Care Act, President Trump tweeted that ‘The Democrats ObamaCare is imploding. Dems should call me to fix!’ Well you can’t say it’s ‘imploding’ when you’re actively destroying it. Godzilla never tweeted, ‘Tokyo is totally imploding right now, I alone can solve!’”

JOST – “Experts are now worried that Trump’s actions could destabilize Obamacare markets, which brings the number of things Trump has destabilized up to: all of them. This is what Trump does. He messes everything up and then just rolls away like an old lady knocking over a wine display with her rascal scooter. He doesn’t care if other people get hurt, he just keeps moving. And then we hear, ‘Clean up on aisle Puerto Rico.’”

CHE – “During the signing ceremony for his executive orders on health care, President Trump walked away without even signing it. But then good ol’ Mike Pence was there to remind the teacher that she forgot to assign homework.”

CHE – “Several aides to President Trump are reportedly saying that he is ‘unraveling’ and ‘losing a step.’ So at what point exactly was he ever in step? ‘Cause from here, it’s been like nine months of watching a cat try to walk in Timberlands.”

JOST – “In a press conference President Trump continued to question the legitimacy of network news saying, ‘It is frankly disgusting the press is able to write whatever it wants to write.’ Although I think if the media could write whatever they wanted, they would have reported, ‘Hillary Clinton is next president.’”

JOST – “Military officials have announced that they will increase missions to train, advise and assist troops in the African nation of Niger. The focus on Niger is viewed as a direct challenge to President Trump’s autocorrect.”

CHE – “It was reported that North Korean hackers stole a number of military documents from South Korea, including a plan to assassinate Kim Jong Un. Though all the plan says is, ‘Wait for Diabetes.’”

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“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “The investigation into the tragedy in Las Vegas this week has sparked a larger debate in America between people who want common sense gun control and people who are wrong. This shouldn’t be a partisan issue, the guy had 47 guns. No one should own 47 of anything. If you own 47 cats, you’re not a ‘responsible pet owner.’ You’re a crazy cat lady. And unlike with guns, the government will actually come and take your cats away, because everyone agrees that’s insane.”
JOST – “Also, this guy bought 33 of his guns in the past year, and that didn’t set off any kind of alert? If I buy a hundred dollars’ worth of Chick-fil-A, I get a text message from my bank that says, ‘Did you just purchase a hundred dollars’ worth of Chick-fil-A? Please Colin, tell us this is fraud.’ How is no one keeping track of how many guns people own? There is a real law in Texas that says it’s illegal to own more than six dildos. And I get why. No one needs that many. If you have more than six dildos, it’s a clear sign you are training for something awful.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “Why is it so hard to get gun control in this country? Who are these delicate snowflakes that we can’t just tell, ‘No, you’re not allowed to have 40 guns anymore, Earl. From now on, you can have one gun, max. And six bullets. If you can’t hit what you’re shooting with six bullets, then you don’t need to be shooting at it. Learn Karate or use your words.’”

CHE – “I’m sick of this narrative that, ‘Americans just love guns so much.’ It’s not true. 78 percent of Americans don’t even own a gun. And three percent of Americans own 50 percent of all the guns in the country. That’s the problem: that whiny three percent that needs to feel secure all the time. That’s why I think we should do a buyback program. For every gun you trade in, we give you one half inch of penis enlargement. If you trade in 10 guns, you get five more inches! And if women wanna trade in their guns, uh, don’t. Keep them. You’re probably gonna need it to fight off all those men in spandex showing off their brand new eight inch penises.”

CHE – “We have to do something about the guns in this country. And I know about the Second Amendment. I know you think you need your guns to protect you from the government. I noticed the people that bring up the Second Amendment all the time are always the same people that preach, ‘Respect law enforcement! Support the troops!’ Meanwhile, they have a closet full of weapons because they think those same troops are gonna come and drive their house away. It’s hypocritical. It’s like saying, ‘I love my wife, I trust my wife, but I swear to God, that sneaky bitch is coming for me.’”

JOST – “President Trump finally arrived in Puerto Rico this week and let’s just say, problem solved. Nothing says ‘I understand the gravity of the situation’ like a billionaire tossing six rolls of paper towels to hurricane victims. Watching this, I realized Trump might not be the best president, but he would be the best mascot. Just let him go nuts like the Philly Fanatic throwing free stuff to fans, cruising around on a four-wheeler, mocking other countries while he shakes that big ‘ol butt around.”

JOST – “Meanwhile, Attorney General Jeff Sessions is now ending an Obama policy protecting transgender employees from discrimination. Clearly Trump and Sessions only care about reversing this policy because Obama created it. What we need to do is convince these guys that Obama wrote the Second Amendment to protect guns. And the next day, Trump will be tossing our guns in the ocean like paper towels.”

JOST – “The ‘world’s heaviest woman’ died this week. The world’s heaviest woman was best known for her catchphrase: ‘Stop calling me that.’”

JOST – “For O.J. Simpson’s first meal after being released from prison, he had two Double Quarter Pounder meals from McDonald’s. Which explains the new slogan for Burger King. ‘Burger King: O.J. Eats at McDonald’s.’”

CHE – “The White House is expected to soon roll back the federal requirement for employers to include birth control coverage in their health insurance. Which is just ridiculous. I mean, of all the goofy nonsense that employers do pay for – cookie cakes, tote bags, office parties – you can’t also spring 10 bucks a month for birth control? How ‘bout just skip one ‘bagel Friday’ so that Karen in accounting doesn’t have to take a maternity leave every time she raw dogs her husband. How could any guy even be against birth control if it means better sex and no kids? We don’t even get any of the side effects. Women do, and they’re fine with it. Honestly, I don’t know how we’re getting away with this. It knocks their entire chemistry out of whack. Women are basically putting their bodies through global warming just so I can keep pretending to have a latex allergy.”

JOST – “LG has introduced a new smartphone that emits ultrasonic waves, which it says will keep mosquitoes away… from your new brain tumor.”

JOST – “A new survey finds that half of Americans think that in the future having sex with a robot will be normal. While the other half are women.”

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“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “Well after President Trump was criticized for a terrible response to Hurricane Maria, this morning, he finally gave the people of Puerto Rico what they needed most…a bunch of tweets straight up calling them lazy. Trump said the people of Puerto Rico ‘want everything to be done for them.’ Then he told his caddy to repair his divot and drive him to the next hole.”

JOST – “But, hey, Trump always said he was going to get things done faster than any other President. And now I believe him, because it took George W. Bush five years to get to his Katrina.”

JOST – “Meanwhile rapper Pitbull has loaned out his private jet to help rescue people in Puerto Rico. Wow. If only Donald Trump knew someone with a private jet. How is the President of the United States worse at humanitarian aid than Pitbull?”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “After the Mayor of San Juan criticized the government’s Puerto Rican relief efforts, President Trump attacked her on Twitter saying: ‘The Mayor of San Juan, who was very complimentary only a few days ago, has now been told by the Democrats that you must be nasty to Trump.’ Oh, really Donald? You bitch. Was she nasty to you? Are you shaken? You wanna go smoke a Virginia Slim until your hand stops moving? This isn’t that complicated man. It’s hurricane relief, these people need help. You just did this for white people twice. Go tell Melania to put on her flood heels, get some bottled water, some food, pack up some extra Atlanta Falcons Super Bowl t-shirts and write them a check with our money you cheap cracker. In one month you’ve mishandled Puerto Rico, DACA, the NFL… It’s like whenever anybody darker than your golf pants has a problem, you’re thinking ‘How can I make this worse?’”

JOST – “Health and Human Services Secretary Tom Price was forced to resign yesterday after he was caught using almost a million dollars in taxpayer money to fly on private jets. Yeah, that’s cool you resigned and all. But how ‘bout you pay us back the money. You can’t walk into a store, do a million dollars-worth of damage and then be like, ‘Okay. I get it. I’ll leave.’ No, pay us! Besides, you can make that million back when you publish your memoire: ‘Oh the Places You’ll Go In a Government-Funded Private Jet.’”

JOST – “This week President Trump also continued his criticism of NFL players who protest during the national anthem. I guess Trump thought, ‘CNN and MSNBC already hate me. How can I get ESPN to hate me too?’ I’m worried it’s not going to stop with ESPN though. Next he’s gonna tweet at Nickelodeon that they need to show us Dora’s papers.”

CHE – “The commissioner of the NBA said that he expected players to follow league rules and stand during the national anthem. The NBA is what, 130-140 percent black? What exactly are you gonna do if they all decide to kneel? Have a game between the New York Porzingis and the San Antonio Ginobili? How’d this guy even get to be the commissioner of the NBA, anyway? He looks like somebody put a suit on a sex toy.”

CHE – “It’s hard to ask black people to respect the flag when we know that this country cares more about it than us. And we love the flag, it’s just that white guys really love the flag. The only people I’ve seen love their flag more than white dudes are gay guys and the Bloods.”

CHE – “And it’s not personal. You just gotta understand, there are 50 stars on the American flag, but black people only feel welcomed in like eight. Some of those stars we still don’t know too much about. That’s why if you ask a black person does he love America, we’ll be like, ‘Yeah, I love Brooklyn. I’m still reserving judgment on the Dakotas.’”

CHE – “There was no vote on the Republican healthcare bill which means that the Obamacare repeal is officially dead. But is it? It’s been dead three times already, and it keeps coming back like a Jason movie. At this rate, we’re only a few years away from Freddy vs. Healthcare. Which really scares the hell out of me, cause we all know who dies first in those movies.”

JOST – “Playboy founder Hugh Hefner passed away this week at the age of 91. He will be buried in a folder marked, ‘Work Stuff.’”

JOST – “October is Blindness Awareness Month, so don’t forget to say you’re wearing a ribbon.”

CHE – “Saudi Arabia announced on Tuesday that it would begin allowing women to drive. Wow. That’s only a few short years after cars were allowed to drive themselves.”

JOST – “Maintenance workers in Baltimore say that they have cleared a 140 ton ‘fatberg’ from the sewer system, which is made up of congealed fat and waste that will not break down. So good news Baltimore… the McRib is back!”

JOST – “Hostess is unveiling new flavors of their snack cakes, including White Fudge Ding Dongs. Coincidentally, ‘White Fudge Ding Dongs’ is what they call ‘Weekend Update’ in China.”

CHE – “A new report shows that 2016 had the highest number of sexually transmitted diseases ever reported. Beating the record previously held by Kid Rock.”

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“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “Ok I know I said this last week, but this week was crazy. Obviously Trump’s not done yet, but let’s just say Mike Pence is definitely warming up in the bullpen.”

JOST – “With the White House reeling from allegations of obstructing justice, President for-now Trump said point blank that he never told FBI Director James Comey to end the Russia investigation. So this sets up a real dilemma: Who are you going to believe, the head of the FBI or the guy who’s definitely lying?”

JOST – “It was also reported that Trump asked Comey when he would publicly announce that Trump was not under investigation. Which sounds pretty suspicious. If you’re watching an episode of ‘Law and Order’ and the husband asks the detectives, ‘So when are you going to announce I’m not a suspect in my wife’s disappearance?’ that guy definitely buried a lady in the woods.”

JOST – “A friend of Comey’s also revealed that Comey was so uncomfortable around Trump that he tried to blend in with the curtains at the back of the room so Trump wouldn’t see him. But if he really wanted to avoid interacting with Trump, he should have just married him.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “The Justice Department has named Robert Mueller as special counsel to oversee the investigation of the Trump campaign. This should make Trump nervous, because Mueller is a former director of the FBI. And the FBI are the cops for rich white guy crimes like bank fraud. So Trump finding out Mueller is investigating him is like a chicken finding out it’s being investigated by a Kentucky colonel.”
CHE – “You can tell Trump knows the heat is on, because he tweeted out ‘This is the single greatest witch hunt of a politician in American history.’ I guess he’s right. It is pretty great!”
CHE – “President Trump also said in a speech that, ‘no politician in history has been treated worse or more unfairly’ than him. Honey, it’s because you’re not a real politician. You’re a politician like Ja Rule is a festival organizer.”

JOST – “It was reported yesterday that President Trump told a Russian official, quote, ‘I just fired the head of the FBI. He was crazy, a real nut job.’ Which actually makes sense. The only people Trump ever interacts with are conspiracy theorists, Russian gangsters, and Scott Baio. Comey is probably so normal that to Trump he seems insane. He’s like, ‘You gotta meet this lunatic. He’s got one wife, owns zero helicopters, and he doesn’t even believe Hillary Clinton runs a sex ring out of a pizza shop. Total nut job!’ In the end, I’m just happy that a nut job wasn’t something that happened to Trump in a Russian hotel room.”
CHE – “It was also reported in that same meeting, Trump revealed classified intelligence. Of course he did! He’s just excited to let people know that he knows stuff. Trump handles government secrets like my aunts handle church gossip. I bet everything he leaks to Russia starts with, ‘Russia, grrrl sit down.’”

JOST – “Tomorrow is going to be exciting because President Trump is scheduled to give a speech about Islam in Saudi Arabia. Which is kind of like Mike Pence giving a toast at a gay wedding.”

JOST – “The University of California, Davis has installed a new vending machine that sells Plan B emergency contraception. While at Florida State, they just shoot it out of t-shirt cannons at halftime.”

JOST – “A Kickstarter project has been launched to create a line of rompers for men called, ‘Romphim.’ As in, ‘the victim of the beating was wearing a romphim.’”

JOST – “A new gym has opened in New York called ‘ConBody,’ which looks like a Prison and features work outs developed by former inmates. So you might want to shower at home.”

CHE – “Officials in a small town in China have given into animal rights activists and made it illegal to sell dog meat. So good news animal lovers, free dog meat!”

CHE – “A new poll shows that Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson would beat Donald Trump in a hypothetical race for president. The Rock would also beat his longtime rival Dwayne ‘The Scissors’ Johnson.”

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“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “Well, I know most of us think this every week, but this week was crazy! On Tuesday, President Trump fired FBI Director James Comey. Then the White House panicked and started blurting out excuses like a husband with glitter on his collar.”

JOST – “Finally, Trump came forward and said he decided to fire Comey himself because Comey quote ‘Wasn’t doing a good job.’ Adding, ‘For example, I’m still President.’ Then called Comey a ‘showboat.’ This guy is a showboat? He looks like if the word ‘Gosh’ became a person.”

JOST – “Trump was reportedly surprised that people were angry he fired the guy investigating the Trump campaign. How did Trump not realize that was suspicious? I mean, if a drug-sniffing dog came up to your bag in the airport, and your response was to shoot the dog, people would really wonder – what’s in that bag? Or they’d just assume you worked for United.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “Steve Bannon reportedly told the President that this was not the right time to fire Comey. Well, when’s the good time to fire the guy investigating you? While he’s putting on the handcuffs? Also, you know something looks bad when Steve Bannon walks in your office with his hot dog breath, and his ten o’clock shadow, like ‘This could be bad for our image.’”

JOST – “After the Comey news was made public, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer tried to evade reports by ducking into some bushes. Which is weird because diving into bushes without warning is usually his boss’ thing.”

JOST – “Spicer’s thirsty understudy Sarah Huckabee Sanders said James Comey had committed ‘basic atrocities’ while he was head of the FBI like reopening the Hillary Clinton investigation. But that’s not a ‘basic atrocity.’ A basic atrocity is when you post a brunch photo that says ‘Pizza is life’ or when your profile pic is of you on an inflatable swan. ‘Basic atrocities,’ by the way, is also where Sarah Huckabee Sanders gets her wardrobe.”

CHE – “President Trump warned in a tweet that, ‘James Comey better hope that there are no “tapes” of our conversations before he starts leaking to the press!’ I don’t even know what that means, because he put the word ‘tapes’ in quotes Adding random quotations to a word just makes everything sound a lot worse. It’s the difference between saying, ‘Grandma is sleeping’ and ‘Grandma is “sleeping.”’”

CHE – “Trump also tweeted, ‘As a very active president, with lots of things happening, it’s not possible for my surrogates to stand at the podium with perfect accuracy.’ First of all, ‘very active’ is not how you describe a president. That’s how you describe the imagination of a child who draws pictures of his school on fire.”

JOST – “A letter released by President Trump’s lawyers claims that the last 10 years of his tax returns do not show any income from Russian sources, quote, ‘with a few exceptions.’ With a few exceptions is not a comforting phrase. That’s like hearing, ‘Don’t worry, all the kids came back from the field trip – with a few exceptions.’”

CHE – “Education Secretary Betsy DeVos was booed while giving the commencement address at the historically all-black Bethune-Cookman University. It was the most booing from an all-black audience since I let Colin [Jost] open for me at the Apollo.”
CHE – “Aunt Jemima is recalling several frozen breakfast food products because they might contain Listeria, who, I’m guessing, is Jemima’s sister.”

JOST – “Officials in India are hoping to deal with the exploding monkey population by providing the monkeys with birth control. India: Where they treat monkeys better than America treats women. By the way, they had to use birth control pills because every time they tried to teach a monkey how to put on a condom, they ate the banana.”

JOST – “A company in Canada has created new software that can mimic anyone’s voice and get it to say anything. So I guess I’ll finally be able to hear my dad say, ‘I’m proud of you.’”
CHE – “Tomorrow is Mother’s Day, so don’t forget to call your momma – ‘cuz I won’t.’”
JOST – “McDonald’s has introduced a new utensil called the ‘Frork,’ which is a fork made with French fries. It’s the perfect way to tell your arteries to ‘go frork themselves.’”

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“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “Well this week President Trump started building his wall. A wall between millions of Americans and their healthcare.”

JOST – “The house voted to repeal and replace ObamaCare, and many congressmen admitted they didn’t even read the bill before voting on it. They’re treating health care the way I treat an iTunes agreement. Like, ‘I’m sure it’s fine…’ Then suddenly I’m dealing with a pre-existing condition, like that U2 album they forced onto our phones.”

JOST – “The bill was strongly opposed by the American Medical Association, the American Hospital Association and the National Physicians Alliance. Though it did receive a rare thumbs up from the Grim Reaper.”

JOST – “Some expect this law to hurt Republicans in the midterm elections since it will raise premiums for older Americans and not cover people with pre-existing conditions. And this is the worst part – the bill has a provision that requires children’s wheelchairs to explode. That’s not true. But isn’t it troubling that for a second, you thought it might be?”

JOST – “Even the AARP criticized the Republican bill saying the rushed changes make, ‘A bad bill even worse.’ It was the AARP’s most scathing indictment since ‘Soup Too Hot.’”
“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “I don’t understand why healthcare is so complicated. Literally dozens of other countries have already figured it out. Trump even said that Australia has better healthcare than us. Well, then why don’t we just do what they did? Treat it like high school. If you don’t have the answer, cheat off the smart foreign kid. We take stuff from other countries all the time, why not take working policies? Australia’s like, ‘Our healthcare system is amazing.’ And we’re like, ‘Yea, yea. You got any more of them Hemsworths?’”

CHE – “President Trump said he would be ‘honored’ to meet with Kim Jong Un. I guess it’s nice to know that World War III will start over who gets the last pork chop.”

CHE – “Maybe Trump meeting with crazy dictators isn’t such a bad thing. We finally have a president who speaks fluent maniac. That could be helpful. Like the only person who can deal with my crazy Uncle Jeff is my crazy Uncle George. And it’s great when they’re together. Because we can all just enjoy a peaceful Thanksgiving dinner, while they’re in the bathroom measuring.”

JOST – “Trump will take his first international trip as President this month, visiting Saudi Arabia, Israel and the Vatican. Trump chose these three countries after Steve Bannon told him a joke about a Muslim, a Jew and a Priest. And Trump was like, ‘I gotta meet these guys.’”

JOST – “A woman arrested for drunk driving in Pennsylvania falsely told police that her name was Hillary Clinton. Police knew it wasn’t her though because Hillary Clinton would never go to Pennsylvania.”

JOST – “A pipe over New York’s Penn Station burst this week raining down raw sewage on commuters. An event Penn Station commuters are calling ‘an improvement.’”
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“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “We have breaking news tonight about Kim Jong Un, who actually describes himself as the Harry Styles of North Korea. Just hours ago North Korea attempted a missile launch but as soon as it took off it immediately exploded. North Korea claimed the failed launch was actually just ‘a tribute to Donald Trump’s first 100 days in office.’”

JOST – “As tensions have mounted between the U.S. and North Korea, Vice President Mike Pence was sent to South Korea, even though for Mike Pence, going south is a sin. Meanwhile, Donald Trump spent the weekend on the one peninsula less stable than Korea…Florida.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “In an interview President Trump explained that his stance on North Korea changed after meeting with China’s president, saying, ‘After listening for 10 minutes, I realized it’s not so easy.’ Which part? The North Korea part? Or the listening for 10 minutes part? Also, nothing says, ‘I wasn’t really listening’ more than saying, ‘I listened for 10 minutes.’ You’re never gonna hear, ‘I listened for 10 minutes, and now I know karate!’ You can’t just half listen and politely nod to the President of China like he’s asking you to check out his mixtape.”

JOST – “Health inspectors in Florida have issued 13 violations against President Trump’s Mar-A-Lago resort. But Trump isn’t too worried since he’s built up immunities to most diseases from a lifetime of waiters spitting in his food.”

CHE – “The Secret Service requested a 60 million dollar budget increase on top of the 74 million dollars already set aside for protecting Trump and his family. That’s 134 million dollars for protection. Are you getting them all ‘Iron Man’ suits? No family is in that much danger. I grew up in the New York City projects in the crack 80s and all we had for protection was a pitbull and a praying grandma. And if one of us got hurt, that was just God’s plan baby. You just put down some candles on the basketball court and you can move on.”

CHE – “Dr. Ben Carson toured a housing complex this week and got stuck in the elevator, where he spent 45 minutes trying to dial 911 on the floor buttons.”

JOST – “In shocking news this week, United is possibly not a great airline. On Thursday a passenger on one of their flights – and somehow this is true – was stung by a scorpion that fell from an overhead bin. And that was the best thing that happened on a United flight this week. The way worse story of course was that this poor doctor was dragged off an oversold flight to make room for United employees. United, your slogan is literally ‘Fly the Friendly Skies.’ I can’t think of anything less appropriate. That’s like if Chipotle’s slogan was ‘You’re gonna have an easy time on the toilet.’ Though I will say in fairness, United only promises to be friendly in the skies. On the ground, their slogan is ‘Don’t even look at us.’ After all this, I will never fly United Airlines ever again. Unless they have a cheap flight to wherever I’m going. In which case I’ll definitely fly United.”

JOST – “A woman in Australia gave birth to a 13 pound baby, completely ruining her ‘Down Under.’ Doctors say it has left her with what you might call a bloomin’ onion.”

CHE – “Police in Austria report that more than 1 million bees have been stolen from a local park. Or, and hear me out, they just flew away.”

CHE – “An ice cream parlor has begun serving ice cream specially made for dogs to eat. So take that, Africa! It even comes in dogs’ two favorite flavors: bacon and butt.”

JOST – “A new study finds that infants start to show racist tendencies between 6 and 9 months of age. And by the time they’re two, they’re already yelling at Dora to speak English.”

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“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “Well it turns out the only thing scarier than Donald Trump acting un-presidential is Donald Trump acting presidential. In response to the Syrian regime’s chemical weapons attack, President Trump on Thursday sent 59 tomahawk missiles to disable a Syrian airfield. Because when Donald Trump is angry, he always presses ‘send.’”

JOST – “This is one of those moments where it seems extra jarring that Donald Trump is our president. Even if you’re a Trump supporter, it’s gotta seem a little crazy that he’s starting a real war with Assad, while he’s still bogged down in a Twitter war with Schwarzenegger. Remember after Trump got elected, and everyone was like, ‘Stop taking Trump literally! He’s not literally gonna ban Muslims and deport Mexicans and bomb the hell out of everyone.’ All I’m saying is, if I were Hillary Clinton, I’d start getting in prison shape.”
“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “President Trump met with the Chinese president this week at his Mar-a-Lago estate. And when they stood next to each other for the first time, one thing became very clear – if you mashed them together they would look exactly like Steven Seagal.”

CHE – “The ‘New York Times’ has reported that Bill O’Reilly and Fox News have paid out 13 million dollars to five different women to settle their sexual harassment claims. Thirteen million dollars to five women. Best case scenario that means you’re so bad with women that every time you tried to flirt, it cost you 2.5 million dollars. I’m bad with women too, but the most it’s ever cost me was a 2 star rating on Uber pool.”

CHE – “A woman in California was injured after she fell 60 feet while trying to take a selfie from a bridge. Worse, she no longer has a good side.”

JOST – “Well, it’s official… Barry Manilow is gay. This story was first reported in the comment sections of his YouTube videos.”

CHE – “Officials at the Cleveland Zoo have announced that one of their critically endangered black rhinos is pregnant. Still no word on if she plans to keep it.”

CHE – “New research shows that the first thing 59 percent of people eat on their chocolate Easter bunnies are the ears. While the rest are like me and go straight for that butt.”
JOST – “It was reported that Yahoo and AOL will combine to form a new company. Because no one wants to die alone.”

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“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “This week Republicans made their best effort to unite the country, by presenting a new healthcare plan that everybody could hate. Together.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “It was estimated that the Republicans’ healthcare plan gives a 400 billion dollar tax break to the rich, while the poor will receive a box of generic Band-Aids and a travel size bottle of AirBorne.”

CHE – “Democrats are upset because a lot of poor people could lose coverage. Conservatives are upset because it doesn’t repeal Obamacare enough. And I’m upset because it still doesn’t cover medicinal cocaine. And I got a screenplay to finish.”

CHE – “The White House is officially calling the bill the ‘American Health Care Act.’ And not as many in the media have been calling it ‘Trumpcare,’ or as they probably should be calling it, ‘Don’t Care.’ ‘Are you old and poor and losing coverage? Don’t care.’”

CHE – “Representative Jason Chaffetz defended the costs of the new healthcare bill, saying that if poor people want insurance they will have to choose between healthcare and ‘that new iPhone.’ That’s ridiculous. How are you supposed to know when you need a doctor, if you don’t have an iPhone to FaceTime your junk to Colin, and ask ‘Yo man, you ever get this before?’”

CHE – “WikiLeaks released documents, saying the CIA can hack into personal devices and spy on people. Now this is why I’m glad I have black grandparents. They told me the CIA was recording everything years ago. One year I got my grandfather a Universal remote and he smashed it with his dress shoe and said, ‘Boy don’t you know that’s how they got Dr. King!’”

JOST – “It was reported that Jennifer Lopez is now dating Alex Rodriguez. J-Lo and A-Rod go by the cool celebrity couple name of, you guessed it, Alennifex Lodripez.”

JOST – “For the second year in a row the happiest city in the country is Naples, Florida. While the least happy city is once again Puppy Funeral, Minnesota.”

CHE – “Last week was World Orphan Week. So to all you orphans out there…better luck next year.”

CHE – “OJ Simpson could be released from prison as soon as this fall. And ladies, he’s single…  ” 

JOST – “The co-founder of the Waffle House passed away this week at 97. He died the way so many Waffle House patrons have: A knife fight in the parking lot.”
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“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “Without offering any evidence, in a series of tweets Donald Trump accused former President Obama of wiretapping Trump Tower during the election. He even tweeted: ‘Is it legal for a sitting president to be wiretapping a race for president prior to an election?’ Dude, you’re the President of the United States and you’re seeking legal counsel on Twitter? That’s like your doctor tweeting out, ‘Hey, does this look infected?’”
“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “I do have to give Trump some credit though. Earlier this week he was able to speak like a human president for over an hour. In fact, 78% of Americans had a positive reaction to Trump’s speech. But that’s just because the bar was set at ‘read words good.’ It’s not an encouraging sign that we’re holding the President of the United States to the same standard as any Bar Mitzvah boy.”

CHE – “President Trump appeared optimistic saying, ‘Everything that is broken in our country can be fixed.’ Which is hard to believe coming from a guy who’s spent the better part of his life as a slumlord. Whenever a bad landlord says they’ll fix something, you know they’re just going to send some Russian dude to do it.”

CHE – “President Trump said that his budget will help enlarge what he calls a ‘depleted military.’ Depleted military? In relation to what? The Death Star? I think out military has body dysmorphia. We’re like that roided out guy at the gym, slamming plates around, still working on our traps and it’s like yeah dude, we get it, you’re strong. Maybe focus on education now.”

CHE – “Kellyanne Conway was widely criticized this week after being photographed kneeling on a couch in the Oval Office. And yes, it does look like she’s searching for a Flo Rida playlist to make the black people dance. But I’m not gonna make fun of her. I actually feel bad for Kellyanne Conway. Her job sucks. You know when an airline loses your luggage and you can’t talk to the CEO, so you just end up screaming at some frazzled lady that’s now gotta spend her lunch break crying into a Lean Cuisine? Well that lady is Kellyanne Conway. That’s her day. We’ve all had rough jobs, but could you imagine being customer service for Donald Trump?”

JOST – “This week it was revealed that Attorney General Jeff Sessions met with the Ambassador of Russia during the campaign, even though he denied such a meeting at his confirmation hearing. Now, saying ‘no’ to a question when the answer is ‘yes’ might seem like a pretty black and white issue, but remember: Black and White issues are what Jeff Sessions is worst at. The only silver lining is that now when you Google ‘Jeff Sessions,’ ‘Jeff Sessions Russia’ comes up before ‘Jeff Sessions Racist.’ So that’s an improvement.”

JOST – “According to reports, while Mike Pence was Governor of Indiana he used a personal AOL email account to discuss sensitive matters, including homeland security. Pence said he originally chose AOL because Hotmail was forbidden by his church.”
CHE – “It was revealed that a church in North Carolina forced married couples to wait a year before having sex. Which means the ‘something blue’ at their wedding was ‘balls.’”

JOST – “For the first time in 146 years it has not snowed in Chicago during the months of January and February. Or all the snowflakes were shot before they reached the ground.”

CHE – “March is Women’s History Month, while April is a lot of backed up dishes.”

JOST – “The pizza chain Famous Famiglia, which is opening a store in Ghana, will ship New York City water to the African country to make their pizza taste authentic. Said Ghana, ‘Wait, you could have shipped us water this entire time?’”

JOST – “A British songwriter is suing U2 claiming that the band stole one of his songs. Though I don’t like the songwriter’s chances, because his lawyer is working pro Bono.”

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“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “A new list of terrorist attacks released by the White House this week was riddled with spelling errors. Or there’s been a huge increase in radical Icelandic terrorism.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “An appeals court unanimously upheld a suspension of President Trump’s travel ban. But, I mean, who are they to judge? Oh, federal judges? Oh. Yeah. Minutes after the ruling President Trump tweeted in all caps, ‘SEE YOU IN COURT!’ Honey, you can’t threaten federal judges with more court. And, you just lost in court. Trump’s a guy that gets his ass kicked in an alley and then yells, ‘Let’s take this outside!!’”

CHE – “But then Friday, President Trump said he may just file a brand new immigration order, instead of appealing to the Supreme Court. Of course. Because nobody actually follows through on an all caps tweet. I once tweeted in all caps, ‘I AM NEVER DRINKING AGAIN.’ And 3 days later, my account was disabled by NBC for drunk tweeting at Meredith Vieira.”

JOST – “While signing the new executive orders on crime, President Trump said, ‘A new era of justice begins and it begins right now.’ Then he spent 20 minutes struggling to get into a Batman costume.”

CHE – “On Thursday the White House, quote, ‘counseled’ Kellyanne Conway after she violated a federal ethics rule by promoting Ivanka Trump’s clothing line on Fox News. Counseled? Her job title is literally counselor to the president. So Trump’s White House is so dysfunctional, his counselor needs a counselor. That’s like your Uber driver asking you to get out and push.”

JOST – “The Senate voted Wednesday to confirm Jeff Beauregard Sessions as our new confederate general. Sorry, Attorney General.”

JOST – “Sessions was rejected for a position as a federal judge in 1986 over concerns of racism. But don’t worry, if there’s one thing that usually makes racists better, it’s age.”

CHE – “Newly confirmed Secretary of Education Betsy Devos was blocked from entering a school by protesters. You know, I can’t remember this many people freaking out over cabinet positions. My white friend asked me, ‘Can you believe they’re putting Ben Carson in charge of the projects?’ And I was like, ‘There’s somebody in charge of the projects?’ Since when? Who the hell is he replacing? The Crips?”

CHE – “You know, the pace of this presidency is exhausting. I never thought I’d say this, but I’m starting to feel bad for Donald Trump. In just the span of one day, he was in a losing battle with three federal judges, a decorated war hero, and a department store. Dude, pace yourself. Donald Trump can’t keep this up. Not with that old bloated Kentucky Fried Chicken body. No wonder he’s always cranky, he’s probably gassy. Plus now every time he checks the internet, he’s gotta see pictures of Obama in the Caribbean, getting his groove back. Obama’s all tanned, getting henna tattoos. Meanwhile, Trump is force-smiling through a 30-second handshake with the Prime Minister of Japan like ‘What the eff am I doing here?’ It’s sad. I hope Trump quits. I mean, Donald, is this really how you wanna spend the last two years of your life?”

CHE – “A new coffee shop has opened in Brooklyn that will sell an $18 cup of coffee. Which only makes sense to me if it’s served with a side of 15 damn dollars.”
JOST – “An American woman set a new record by visiting every country in the world in 19 months. And after all that travel, she found the one thing that had been inside her all along. Zika.”

JOST – “A Massachusetts couple whose son was born during the Super Bowl has named him ‘Brady.’ And an Atlanta couple whose son was born during the Super Bowl has named him, ‘Son of a Bitch!’”

CHE – “A Cheeto that looks like the gorilla Harambe was sold on eBay for nearly $100,000. The buyer is actually a little like Harambe in that he also deserves to be shot.”
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“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “Donald Trump has signed 18 executive orders in his first 12 days as president. Now that sounds like a lot, but keep in mind. That it is a lot.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “A federal judge last night temporarily blocked President Trump’s Travel Ban from being enforced. But Trump’s not too worried about it, because for him getting temporarily blocked is just foreplay.”

CHE – “Everything people said Trump couldn’t do, he just does. His slogan should’ve been, ‘Yes we can.’ You can’t ban Muslims. ‘Yes we can.’ Just two weeks as president, and he’s putting up walls, kicking people out. Trump is gut renovating the country like it’s a crack house on ‘Flip or Flop.’”

CHE – “Eighteen in 12 days? I haven’t seen this many executive orders since Obama made 19 in 12 days. But that was like eight years ago. Back then it was crazy, we had a black president, it was weird! Even then, Donald Trump actually criticized Obama for signing so many executive orders. But that’s only because Donald Trump didn’t like Obama. And when you really don’t like someone, you don’t wanna see them make any decisions, even if it’s in your favor. Trump could sign an order for free pizza and protestors would be outside the White House demanding tacos.”

JOST – “The White House responded to criticism of the Travel Ban by saying that they’re not banning Muslims, they’re just banning people from seven Muslim-majority nations. Which is sort of like saying, ‘We’re not banning white people, we’re just banning people who loved ‘La La Land.’”

CHE – “Trump says the ban is to prevent ‘radical Islamic terrorists’ in America. But, first of all, what is ‘radical Islam?’ That’s just too subjective of a term. I have a Muslim friend. He doesn’t eat pork and he doesn’t have sex with white women. And to me, that’s mad radical. But he’s not a terrorist. Terrorism is the actual problem. When you only associate terrorism with one religion, you make them synonymous. There’s 1.7 billion Muslims in this world. If you think 1.7 billion people are actively trying to kill you, maybe you’re a little radical.”
CHE – “Also, how are we supposed to find these terrorists if the only thing we know about them is that they’re one of almost 2 billion other people? I mean, there’s two billion people who drink alcohol, and alcohol kills like 1,000 times more people than ‘radical Islam.’ But the difference is alcohol never has a problem getting on an airplane, because people aren’t afraid of it. Meanwhile, if you got on a plane and saw the pilot wearing a turban, you’d be like, ‘I hope he’s just using that thing to hide his booze.’”

JOST – “While appearing on MSNBC, Kellyanne Conway defended President Trump’s Travel Ban by referencing what she called the ‘Bowling Green Massacre,’ which is a terrorist attack that never happened. In response, Congress immediately launched an investigation into Hillary Clinton’s role in the Bowling Green Massacre.”

JOST – “In a phone call with Australia’s Prime Minister, President Trump called a plan to accept more than a thousand refugees from the country, ‘a dumb deal.’ Trump threatened to retaliate by hitting Australia with a 20 percent import tax on Hemsworth Brothers.”

CHE – “Donald Trump’s call with the Australian Prime Minister got so heated, he had to send Steve Bannon to smooth things over with their Ambassador. But honestly, if I got a call from Australia telling me to do something I didn’t wanna do, I’d probably do the same thing. Even if it were important, I’d be like, ‘Who cares? It’s Australia. Isn’t it still yesterday over there? Just go there tomorrow and tell them I didn’t say that today.’”

CHE – “On Groundhog Day, Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow, meaning six more weeks of winter. Isn’t it kind of funny that Groundhog Day starts the second day of Black History Month? Just one day into learning about Martin Luther King and Rosa Parks, and we’re like ‘Oh look, a groundhog!”

JOST – “Police at Kennedy Airport arrested a man after they found cocaine hidden in three cans of tuna. He faces up to 10 years for the cocaine and the death penalty for bringing tuna onto an airplane.”

JOST – “A new study finds that people can improve their sleep by camping outside for a week during the winter. The study was published by hungry wolves.”

JOST – “A Saudi Prince has reportedly spent more than $15,000 to buy seats on a flight for his 80 pet falcons. Then all hell broke loose when they started the in-flight movie: ‘Stuart Little.’”

CHE – “Tomorrow is Super Bowl 51, and it’s New England versus Atlanta. After everything this year, I just wanna watch football and Doritos commercials. I used to make fun of white guys for getting upset at Kaepernick for protesting the National Anthem, but now I get it. I’m exhausted too. For three hours, I just don’t wanna think about any social issues or politics. I just wanna relax, turn off my brain, and watch the blackest city in America beat the most racist city I’ve ever been to.”

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