Monday, November 20, 2017


“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “Thursday is Thanksgiving, and there’s so much to be thankful for this year. Unless you’re a human woman.”

JOST – “More than a dozen women have now accused actor Jeremy Piven of sexual assault, spanning more than 30 years. The allegations were revealed in the shocking documentary, ‘Entourage.’”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “This week House Republicans passed a tax reform bill. Republicans claim the bill cuts taxes for everyone, from billionaires all the way down to regular ol’ millionaires, like Colin! The bill relies heavily on ‘trickle-down’ economics. But don’t worry it’s only called a trickle. You’re actually getting hosed. How do poor people keep getting Catfished into voting Republican? It’s like watching Forrest Gump get ditched by Jenny over and over and over again.”

JOST – “Paul Ryan said the tax plan will ‘increase take-home pay, grow the economy, and sustain long-term opportunities.’ ‘Increase.’ ‘Grow.’ ‘Sustain.’ Where have I seen those words before? Oh I know – on those sex pills at the deli counter. We already tried this tax plan in the 80s, and it didn’t work. Just like I tried those sex pills at the deli and now have to wear fake eyebrows.”

CHE – “A company in Texas is offering a service that will allow people to make an identical clone of their dog for 50,000 dollars. That story again: For 50,000 dollars, a company in Texas will sell you a different Golden Retriever.”

JOST – “NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is reportedly seeking a contract extension that would provide him with a salary of 50 million dollars, use of a private jet and lifetime health insurance for him and his family. That’s how expensive healthcare is! He’ll make 50 million dollars a year and he’s still like, ‘What about health care though?’”

JOST – “A man in India has set a new world record for longest moustache, growing out to over 18 feet. It’s all part of his plan to someday die on an escalator.”

JOST – “It was revealed that Prince William and Prince Harry will make cameos in the new ‘Star Wars’ movie as Stormtroopers. Even more surprising, this whole time it’s been Queen Elizabeth inside C-3PO.”

CHE – “A man in Arizona is claiming that he can relieve sinus pressure in his nose by masturbating. He first made the claim while police were removing him from the bus.”
JOST – “The makers of Pokémon Go are now developing a similar game based on the world of Harry Potter. The game will be called, ‘Harry Potter and the Kids Who Wandered Into Oncoming Traffic.’”

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“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “Well, it’s Veterans Day, and Donald Trump celebrated by finally going to Vietnam. First Lady Melania Trump stayed behind in China to visit the Beijing Zoo, while President Trump continued on to Vietnam, where he met with Russian president Vladimir Putin in their best Hillary Clinton blouses. During the meeting, Putin denied meddling in the election, and Trump said he believes him. But keep in mind that Trump also believes his wife when she said she was staying behind to visit the zoo. That’s my favorite new excuse for when you don’t want to hang out with someone. ‘Ah man, I’d love to, but I’ve got zoo stuff.’”

JOST – “During a speech in South Korea, President Trump warned North Korea to ‘not underestimate us.’ Which sounds tough, but then he immediately left the country. That’s like if in ‘Braveheart,’ William Wallace ended his speech with, ‘And they’ll never take our freedom! Anyway, I gotta run…zoo stuff. Peace.’”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “Earlier this week, North Korea issued a statement calling President Trump a ‘lunatic old man.’ And a few hours ago, Trump responded by tweeting, ‘Why would Kim Jong-un insult me by calling me “old,” when I would NEVER call him “short and fat”?’ Now, a lot of times Donald Trump goes way over the line with his tweets. But this time, that was pretty damn funny. I mean look at how vain and catty he is. They’re like, ‘You lunatic old man!’ and he’s like, ‘OLD?’”

CHE – “President Ms. Thang also said that this week’s shooting in Texas ‘isn’t a gun situation,’ but instead a ‘mental health problem at the highest level.’ But why can’t it be both? I mean, why can’t it be that because we have a mental health problem, we now have a gun situation? Just like how because my little cousin has a crack problem, my aunt now has a ‘missing silverware’ situation.”

JOST – “Well, it’s a good weekend to stay inside – since it’s 20 degrees out, and everyone you’ve ever heard of is a sex monster.”

JOST – “Alabama Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore has been accused of having inappropriate sexual relations when he was in his thirties with several teenage girls. Now I’m not saying he’s guilty, but his naughty little cowboy outfit is screaming it. It looks like a guy who shows up at ‘Westworld’ and says, ‘Hey, can someone show me where the middle school is?’ And how are we still surprised that someone who puts the Ten Commandments up everywhere doesn’t follow them? What’s next, it turns out the guy who always jokes about masturbating wasn’t joking about masturbating?”

CHE – “Alabama State Auditor Jim Ziegler defended Roy Moore using Mary and Joseph as examples, saying, ‘Mary was a teenager, and Joseph was an adult carpenter. They became parents of Jesus.’ Oh word? So that’s what you’re going with? Roy Moore was trying to make a Jesus? Ok, so I guess R. Kelly was just trying to make it rain for 40 days and 40 nights.”

CHE – “Democrats swept Tuesday’s elections in Virginia, New Jersey and New York, which are already blue states, so it’s a small victory for liberals but a victory nonetheless. Kinda like when you get an Uber and the driver’s white, and you’re like, ‘Oh. That’s nice.’”

CHE – “Also on Tuesday, Danica Roem became the first transgender candidate to win a seat in Virginia’s House of Delegates, defeating Bob Marshall, who called himself the state’s ‘chief homophobe.’ In fact, he’s so homophobic, he refused to get within eight points of her.”

JOST – “It was reported that Mike Pence has formed a Vice Presidents Club with Joe Biden and Dick Cheney, routinely calling them for advice. ‘Well, that sounds like a stupid club,’ said Al Gore to no one.”

CHE – “Sean Combs announced that he is once again changing his name, this time to ‘Brother Love’ as in ‘Damn, this brother love attention.’”

JOST – “The state of Vermont has officially recognized Ultimate Frisbee as a high school varsity sport…Dad.”

JOST – “Hidden Valley is now selling a five liter keg filled with ranch dressing, though the keg will only be sold in states that allow assisted suicide.”

CHE – “A new study finds that sheep have the ability to recognize faces. So remember, farmers: Always hit it from the back.”

CHE – “OJ Simpson’s parole may be revoked after he was thrown out of a Las Vegas hotel bar for being too drunk and throwing glasses. But come on, give him a break – I mean, you’d drink a lot too if your ex-wife was murdered.”

JOST – “Archaeologists in Egypt have discovered a 2000-year-old gymnasium, which featured a workout room, a racetrack…and based on my experience in gyms, the remains of an old man blow-drying his testicles.”

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“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “After the indictment of former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort, who also played Shooter McGavin in ‘Happy Gilmore,’ it was reported that Manafort has three different U.S. passports and traveled to Mexico, China and Ecuador with a phone he registered using an alias. So I don’t know what he’s guilty of, but it’s definitely not nothing. No one has three passports, a burner phone and good intentions, except maybe Santa Claus.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “President Trump lashed out on Twitter about the indictments from the Russia probe, and the unfair news coverage probably, and I’m sure he brought up ‘crooked Hillary’ again. Look I gotta be honest, I can’t read any more of this guys’ tweets. I’m tired of watching the President of the United States have an emotional breakdown on social media like he’s Tyrese. It’s embarrassing.”

CHE – “If you want to live tweet ‘Morning Joe’ or ‘Cupcake Wars,’ fine. But indictments are important. And you work for us. So go put on your baggy suit, fold your hair nice and answer all of our questions face to face like the public servant that you are. We shouldn’t have to wonder if our President is communicating to us from his toilet.”

JOST – “In response to the terrorist attack this week in Manhattan, President Trump has promised to end the ‘Diversity Immigrant Visa Lottery,’ which by the way, was named in order to make Fox News viewers’ heads explode. Obviously this attack was awful, but I’m not sure we should get rid of an entire immigration program based on the actions of one deranged individual. I mean we don’t look at Trump and say, ‘We should get rid of all Presidents.’”

CHE – “Paul Ryan said the new tax plan would make filing taxes so simple that people can do their taxes on a postcard. But I don’t want simple taxes ‘cause it probably means I’ll have to pay exactly what I owe. I want complicated as hell taxes, on a bunch of papers, with a bunch of questions, so I can lie. When somebody tells you, ‘Hey, I got a great tax guy,’ they don’t mean he’s gonna make taxes simple for you. They mean you’re about to claim your fleshlight as a dependent.”

JOST – “Advisors who are planning President Trump’s trip to Asia have warned officials in each country that Trump is not comfortable with new cuisines, and prefers familiar foods, like well-done steak and ice cream. They’d also like easier mazes on his placemats.”

CHE – “The CEO of American Airlines met with the head of NAACP over allegations that the airline is racially biased. And I bet they both showed up late. See it’s okay for me to make that joke because I’m racist. You know of all the stereotypes against black people I have never heard that we are bad on planes. Now if you said the NAACP had a meeting with the CEO of Loews movie theaters, yeah that tracks. But black people are awesome on planes. We always have our own headphones. We always leave our socks on. We never talk to strangers unless we’re telling you to shut that baby up. The real people you need to be worried about on planes are white women named Gail who clap when the plane lands.”

JOST – “MTV has launched a spin-off of its hit ‘Jersey Shore’ series set on the coast of Alabama and Florida called ‘Floribama Shore.’ Where the cast members can contract Gonormydia.”

JOST – “A mom in Wisconsin told police that she found a packet of meth in her child’s Halloween candy. Right after police asked her why she was raking the leaves naked at midnight.”

JOST – “A new report ranks the New York City subway system as the best in the country. This is according to ‘Masturbating Hobo Monthly.’”

CHE – “November is National Impotency Month. But I just can’t get excited.”
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“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “Apple has announced that it will add hundreds of new emojis to its iOS system, including a person at a spa, a vomiting face, and a shushing figure. Finally giving emoji fans the ability to describe what it was like to work for Harvey Weinstein.”

JOST – “Weinstein, who has been accused of multiple counts of sexual assault, is reportedly going to Europe for sex rehab. Somehow I don’t think that’s going to help anybody. He doesn’t need sex rehab. He needs a specialized facility where there are no women, no contact with the outside world, metal bars, and it’s a prison.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “You know, this is a tough spot for a comedian, because it’s so hard to make jokes about sexual assault. But it’s so easy to make jokes about a guy that looks like this. He looks like chewed bubble gum rolled in cat hair.”
CHE – “Weinstein told reporters that he was seeking help and added, ‘We all make mistakes.’ No man. A mistake is me walking into the wrong bathroom and using it anyway because I was crowning. But you assaulted dozens of women. That’s not a mistake. That’s a full season of Law & Order. Your name is a verb now dude. As in, ‘If this guy tries to Weinstein me, I’m gonna cut off his little Harvey.’ Ugh doesn’t he look like a well-dressed skin tag?”

JOST – “After issuing a series of executive orders designed to dismantle the Affordable Care Act, President Trump tweeted that ‘The Democrats ObamaCare is imploding. Dems should call me to fix!’ Well you can’t say it’s ‘imploding’ when you’re actively destroying it. Godzilla never tweeted, ‘Tokyo is totally imploding right now, I alone can solve!’”

JOST – “Experts are now worried that Trump’s actions could destabilize Obamacare markets, which brings the number of things Trump has destabilized up to: all of them. This is what Trump does. He messes everything up and then just rolls away like an old lady knocking over a wine display with her rascal scooter. He doesn’t care if other people get hurt, he just keeps moving. And then we hear, ‘Clean up on aisle Puerto Rico.’”

CHE – “During the signing ceremony for his executive orders on health care, President Trump walked away without even signing it. But then good ol’ Mike Pence was there to remind the teacher that she forgot to assign homework.”

CHE – “Several aides to President Trump are reportedly saying that he is ‘unraveling’ and ‘losing a step.’ So at what point exactly was he ever in step? ‘Cause from here, it’s been like nine months of watching a cat try to walk in Timberlands.”

JOST – “In a press conference President Trump continued to question the legitimacy of network news saying, ‘It is frankly disgusting the press is able to write whatever it wants to write.’ Although I think if the media could write whatever they wanted, they would have reported, ‘Hillary Clinton is next president.’”

JOST – “Military officials have announced that they will increase missions to train, advise and assist troops in the African nation of Niger. The focus on Niger is viewed as a direct challenge to President Trump’s autocorrect.”

CHE – “It was reported that North Korean hackers stole a number of military documents from South Korea, including a plan to assassinate Kim Jong Un. Though all the plan says is, ‘Wait for Diabetes.’”

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“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “The investigation into the tragedy in Las Vegas this week has sparked a larger debate in America between people who want common sense gun control and people who are wrong. This shouldn’t be a partisan issue, the guy had 47 guns. No one should own 47 of anything. If you own 47 cats, you’re not a ‘responsible pet owner.’ You’re a crazy cat lady. And unlike with guns, the government will actually come and take your cats away, because everyone agrees that’s insane.”
JOST – “Also, this guy bought 33 of his guns in the past year, and that didn’t set off any kind of alert? If I buy a hundred dollars’ worth of Chick-fil-A, I get a text message from my bank that says, ‘Did you just purchase a hundred dollars’ worth of Chick-fil-A? Please Colin, tell us this is fraud.’ How is no one keeping track of how many guns people own? There is a real law in Texas that says it’s illegal to own more than six dildos. And I get why. No one needs that many. If you have more than six dildos, it’s a clear sign you are training for something awful.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “Why is it so hard to get gun control in this country? Who are these delicate snowflakes that we can’t just tell, ‘No, you’re not allowed to have 40 guns anymore, Earl. From now on, you can have one gun, max. And six bullets. If you can’t hit what you’re shooting with six bullets, then you don’t need to be shooting at it. Learn Karate or use your words.’”

CHE – “I’m sick of this narrative that, ‘Americans just love guns so much.’ It’s not true. 78 percent of Americans don’t even own a gun. And three percent of Americans own 50 percent of all the guns in the country. That’s the problem: that whiny three percent that needs to feel secure all the time. That’s why I think we should do a buyback program. For every gun you trade in, we give you one half inch of penis enlargement. If you trade in 10 guns, you get five more inches! And if women wanna trade in their guns, uh, don’t. Keep them. You’re probably gonna need it to fight off all those men in spandex showing off their brand new eight inch penises.”

CHE – “We have to do something about the guns in this country. And I know about the Second Amendment. I know you think you need your guns to protect you from the government. I noticed the people that bring up the Second Amendment all the time are always the same people that preach, ‘Respect law enforcement! Support the troops!’ Meanwhile, they have a closet full of weapons because they think those same troops are gonna come and drive their house away. It’s hypocritical. It’s like saying, ‘I love my wife, I trust my wife, but I swear to God, that sneaky bitch is coming for me.’”

JOST – “President Trump finally arrived in Puerto Rico this week and let’s just say, problem solved. Nothing says ‘I understand the gravity of the situation’ like a billionaire tossing six rolls of paper towels to hurricane victims. Watching this, I realized Trump might not be the best president, but he would be the best mascot. Just let him go nuts like the Philly Fanatic throwing free stuff to fans, cruising around on a four-wheeler, mocking other countries while he shakes that big ‘ol butt around.”

JOST – “Meanwhile, Attorney General Jeff Sessions is now ending an Obama policy protecting transgender employees from discrimination. Clearly Trump and Sessions only care about reversing this policy because Obama created it. What we need to do is convince these guys that Obama wrote the Second Amendment to protect guns. And the next day, Trump will be tossing our guns in the ocean like paper towels.”

JOST – “The ‘world’s heaviest woman’ died this week. The world’s heaviest woman was best known for her catchphrase: ‘Stop calling me that.’”

JOST – “For O.J. Simpson’s first meal after being released from prison, he had two Double Quarter Pounder meals from McDonald’s. Which explains the new slogan for Burger King. ‘Burger King: O.J. Eats at McDonald’s.’”

CHE – “The White House is expected to soon roll back the federal requirement for employers to include birth control coverage in their health insurance. Which is just ridiculous. I mean, of all the goofy nonsense that employers do pay for – cookie cakes, tote bags, office parties – you can’t also spring 10 bucks a month for birth control? How ‘bout just skip one ‘bagel Friday’ so that Karen in accounting doesn’t have to take a maternity leave every time she raw dogs her husband. How could any guy even be against birth control if it means better sex and no kids? We don’t even get any of the side effects. Women do, and they’re fine with it. Honestly, I don’t know how we’re getting away with this. It knocks their entire chemistry out of whack. Women are basically putting their bodies through global warming just so I can keep pretending to have a latex allergy.”

JOST – “LG has introduced a new smartphone that emits ultrasonic waves, which it says will keep mosquitoes away… from your new brain tumor.”

JOST – “A new survey finds that half of Americans think that in the future having sex with a robot will be normal. While the other half are women.”

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“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “Well after President Trump was criticized for a terrible response to Hurricane Maria, this morning, he finally gave the people of Puerto Rico what they needed most…a bunch of tweets straight up calling them lazy. Trump said the people of Puerto Rico ‘want everything to be done for them.’ Then he told his caddy to repair his divot and drive him to the next hole.”

JOST – “But, hey, Trump always said he was going to get things done faster than any other President. And now I believe him, because it took George W. Bush five years to get to his Katrina.”

JOST – “Meanwhile rapper Pitbull has loaned out his private jet to help rescue people in Puerto Rico. Wow. If only Donald Trump knew someone with a private jet. How is the President of the United States worse at humanitarian aid than Pitbull?”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “After the Mayor of San Juan criticized the government’s Puerto Rican relief efforts, President Trump attacked her on Twitter saying: ‘The Mayor of San Juan, who was very complimentary only a few days ago, has now been told by the Democrats that you must be nasty to Trump.’ Oh, really Donald? You bitch. Was she nasty to you? Are you shaken? You wanna go smoke a Virginia Slim until your hand stops moving? This isn’t that complicated man. It’s hurricane relief, these people need help. You just did this for white people twice. Go tell Melania to put on her flood heels, get some bottled water, some food, pack up some extra Atlanta Falcons Super Bowl t-shirts and write them a check with our money you cheap cracker. In one month you’ve mishandled Puerto Rico, DACA, the NFL… It’s like whenever anybody darker than your golf pants has a problem, you’re thinking ‘How can I make this worse?’”

JOST – “Health and Human Services Secretary Tom Price was forced to resign yesterday after he was caught using almost a million dollars in taxpayer money to fly on private jets. Yeah, that’s cool you resigned and all. But how ‘bout you pay us back the money. You can’t walk into a store, do a million dollars-worth of damage and then be like, ‘Okay. I get it. I’ll leave.’ No, pay us! Besides, you can make that million back when you publish your memoire: ‘Oh the Places You’ll Go In a Government-Funded Private Jet.’”

JOST – “This week President Trump also continued his criticism of NFL players who protest during the national anthem. I guess Trump thought, ‘CNN and MSNBC already hate me. How can I get ESPN to hate me too?’ I’m worried it’s not going to stop with ESPN though. Next he’s gonna tweet at Nickelodeon that they need to show us Dora’s papers.”

CHE – “The commissioner of the NBA said that he expected players to follow league rules and stand during the national anthem. The NBA is what, 130-140 percent black? What exactly are you gonna do if they all decide to kneel? Have a game between the New York Porzingis and the San Antonio Ginobili? How’d this guy even get to be the commissioner of the NBA, anyway? He looks like somebody put a suit on a sex toy.”

CHE – “It’s hard to ask black people to respect the flag when we know that this country cares more about it than us. And we love the flag, it’s just that white guys really love the flag. The only people I’ve seen love their flag more than white dudes are gay guys and the Bloods.”

CHE – “And it’s not personal. You just gotta understand, there are 50 stars on the American flag, but black people only feel welcomed in like eight. Some of those stars we still don’t know too much about. That’s why if you ask a black person does he love America, we’ll be like, ‘Yeah, I love Brooklyn. I’m still reserving judgment on the Dakotas.’”

CHE – “There was no vote on the Republican healthcare bill which means that the Obamacare repeal is officially dead. But is it? It’s been dead three times already, and it keeps coming back like a Jason movie. At this rate, we’re only a few years away from Freddy vs. Healthcare. Which really scares the hell out of me, cause we all know who dies first in those movies.”

JOST – “Playboy founder Hugh Hefner passed away this week at the age of 91. He will be buried in a folder marked, ‘Work Stuff.’”

JOST – “October is Blindness Awareness Month, so don’t forget to say you’re wearing a ribbon.”

CHE – “Saudi Arabia announced on Tuesday that it would begin allowing women to drive. Wow. That’s only a few short years after cars were allowed to drive themselves.”

JOST – “Maintenance workers in Baltimore say that they have cleared a 140 ton ‘fatberg’ from the sewer system, which is made up of congealed fat and waste that will not break down. So good news Baltimore… the McRib is back!”

JOST – “Hostess is unveiling new flavors of their snack cakes, including White Fudge Ding Dongs. Coincidentally, ‘White Fudge Ding Dongs’ is what they call ‘Weekend Update’ in China.”

CHE – “A new report shows that 2016 had the highest number of sexually transmitted diseases ever reported. Beating the record previously held by Kid Rock.”

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“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “Ok I know I said this last week, but this week was crazy. Obviously Trump’s not done yet, but let’s just say Mike Pence is definitely warming up in the bullpen.”

JOST – “With the White House reeling from allegations of obstructing justice, President for-now Trump said point blank that he never told FBI Director James Comey to end the Russia investigation. So this sets up a real dilemma: Who are you going to believe, the head of the FBI or the guy who’s definitely lying?”

JOST – “It was also reported that Trump asked Comey when he would publicly announce that Trump was not under investigation. Which sounds pretty suspicious. If you’re watching an episode of ‘Law and Order’ and the husband asks the detectives, ‘So when are you going to announce I’m not a suspect in my wife’s disappearance?’ that guy definitely buried a lady in the woods.”

JOST – “A friend of Comey’s also revealed that Comey was so uncomfortable around Trump that he tried to blend in with the curtains at the back of the room so Trump wouldn’t see him. But if he really wanted to avoid interacting with Trump, he should have just married him.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “The Justice Department has named Robert Mueller as special counsel to oversee the investigation of the Trump campaign. This should make Trump nervous, because Mueller is a former director of the FBI. And the FBI are the cops for rich white guy crimes like bank fraud. So Trump finding out Mueller is investigating him is like a chicken finding out it’s being investigated by a Kentucky colonel.”
CHE – “You can tell Trump knows the heat is on, because he tweeted out ‘This is the single greatest witch hunt of a politician in American history.’ I guess he’s right. It is pretty great!”
CHE – “President Trump also said in a speech that, ‘no politician in history has been treated worse or more unfairly’ than him. Honey, it’s because you’re not a real politician. You’re a politician like Ja Rule is a festival organizer.”

JOST – “It was reported yesterday that President Trump told a Russian official, quote, ‘I just fired the head of the FBI. He was crazy, a real nut job.’ Which actually makes sense. The only people Trump ever interacts with are conspiracy theorists, Russian gangsters, and Scott Baio. Comey is probably so normal that to Trump he seems insane. He’s like, ‘You gotta meet this lunatic. He’s got one wife, owns zero helicopters, and he doesn’t even believe Hillary Clinton runs a sex ring out of a pizza shop. Total nut job!’ In the end, I’m just happy that a nut job wasn’t something that happened to Trump in a Russian hotel room.”
CHE – “It was also reported in that same meeting, Trump revealed classified intelligence. Of course he did! He’s just excited to let people know that he knows stuff. Trump handles government secrets like my aunts handle church gossip. I bet everything he leaks to Russia starts with, ‘Russia, grrrl sit down.’”

JOST – “Tomorrow is going to be exciting because President Trump is scheduled to give a speech about Islam in Saudi Arabia. Which is kind of like Mike Pence giving a toast at a gay wedding.”

JOST – “The University of California, Davis has installed a new vending machine that sells Plan B emergency contraception. While at Florida State, they just shoot it out of t-shirt cannons at halftime.”

JOST – “A Kickstarter project has been launched to create a line of rompers for men called, ‘Romphim.’ As in, ‘the victim of the beating was wearing a romphim.’”

JOST – “A new gym has opened in New York called ‘ConBody,’ which looks like a Prison and features work outs developed by former inmates. So you might want to shower at home.”

CHE – “Officials in a small town in China have given into animal rights activists and made it illegal to sell dog meat. So good news animal lovers, free dog meat!”

CHE – “A new poll shows that Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson would beat Donald Trump in a hypothetical race for president. The Rock would also beat his longtime rival Dwayne ‘The Scissors’ Johnson.”

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“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “Well, I know most of us think this every week, but this week was crazy! On Tuesday, President Trump fired FBI Director James Comey. Then the White House panicked and started blurting out excuses like a husband with glitter on his collar.”

JOST – “Finally, Trump came forward and said he decided to fire Comey himself because Comey quote ‘Wasn’t doing a good job.’ Adding, ‘For example, I’m still President.’ Then called Comey a ‘showboat.’ This guy is a showboat? He looks like if the word ‘Gosh’ became a person.”

JOST – “Trump was reportedly surprised that people were angry he fired the guy investigating the Trump campaign. How did Trump not realize that was suspicious? I mean, if a drug-sniffing dog came up to your bag in the airport, and your response was to shoot the dog, people would really wonder – what’s in that bag? Or they’d just assume you worked for United.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “Steve Bannon reportedly told the President that this was not the right time to fire Comey. Well, when’s the good time to fire the guy investigating you? While he’s putting on the handcuffs? Also, you know something looks bad when Steve Bannon walks in your office with his hot dog breath, and his ten o’clock shadow, like ‘This could be bad for our image.’”

JOST – “After the Comey news was made public, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer tried to evade reports by ducking into some bushes. Which is weird because diving into bushes without warning is usually his boss’ thing.”

JOST – “Spicer’s thirsty understudy Sarah Huckabee Sanders said James Comey had committed ‘basic atrocities’ while he was head of the FBI like reopening the Hillary Clinton investigation. But that’s not a ‘basic atrocity.’ A basic atrocity is when you post a brunch photo that says ‘Pizza is life’ or when your profile pic is of you on an inflatable swan. ‘Basic atrocities,’ by the way, is also where Sarah Huckabee Sanders gets her wardrobe.”

CHE – “President Trump warned in a tweet that, ‘James Comey better hope that there are no “tapes” of our conversations before he starts leaking to the press!’ I don’t even know what that means, because he put the word ‘tapes’ in quotes Adding random quotations to a word just makes everything sound a lot worse. It’s the difference between saying, ‘Grandma is sleeping’ and ‘Grandma is “sleeping.”’”

CHE – “Trump also tweeted, ‘As a very active president, with lots of things happening, it’s not possible for my surrogates to stand at the podium with perfect accuracy.’ First of all, ‘very active’ is not how you describe a president. That’s how you describe the imagination of a child who draws pictures of his school on fire.”

JOST – “A letter released by President Trump’s lawyers claims that the last 10 years of his tax returns do not show any income from Russian sources, quote, ‘with a few exceptions.’ With a few exceptions is not a comforting phrase. That’s like hearing, ‘Don’t worry, all the kids came back from the field trip – with a few exceptions.’”

CHE – “Education Secretary Betsy DeVos was booed while giving the commencement address at the historically all-black Bethune-Cookman University. It was the most booing from an all-black audience since I let Colin [Jost] open for me at the Apollo.”
CHE – “Aunt Jemima is recalling several frozen breakfast food products because they might contain Listeria, who, I’m guessing, is Jemima’s sister.”

JOST – “Officials in India are hoping to deal with the exploding monkey population by providing the monkeys with birth control. India: Where they treat monkeys better than America treats women. By the way, they had to use birth control pills because every time they tried to teach a monkey how to put on a condom, they ate the banana.”

JOST – “A company in Canada has created new software that can mimic anyone’s voice and get it to say anything. So I guess I’ll finally be able to hear my dad say, ‘I’m proud of you.’”
CHE – “Tomorrow is Mother’s Day, so don’t forget to call your momma – ‘cuz I won’t.’”
JOST – “McDonald’s has introduced a new utensil called the ‘Frork,’ which is a fork made with French fries. It’s the perfect way to tell your arteries to ‘go frork themselves.’”

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“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “Well this week President Trump started building his wall. A wall between millions of Americans and their healthcare.”

JOST – “The house voted to repeal and replace ObamaCare, and many congressmen admitted they didn’t even read the bill before voting on it. They’re treating health care the way I treat an iTunes agreement. Like, ‘I’m sure it’s fine…’ Then suddenly I’m dealing with a pre-existing condition, like that U2 album they forced onto our phones.”

JOST – “The bill was strongly opposed by the American Medical Association, the American Hospital Association and the National Physicians Alliance. Though it did receive a rare thumbs up from the Grim Reaper.”

JOST – “Some expect this law to hurt Republicans in the midterm elections since it will raise premiums for older Americans and not cover people with pre-existing conditions. And this is the worst part – the bill has a provision that requires children’s wheelchairs to explode. That’s not true. But isn’t it troubling that for a second, you thought it might be?”

JOST – “Even the AARP criticized the Republican bill saying the rushed changes make, ‘A bad bill even worse.’ It was the AARP’s most scathing indictment since ‘Soup Too Hot.’”
“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “I don’t understand why healthcare is so complicated. Literally dozens of other countries have already figured it out. Trump even said that Australia has better healthcare than us. Well, then why don’t we just do what they did? Treat it like high school. If you don’t have the answer, cheat off the smart foreign kid. We take stuff from other countries all the time, why not take working policies? Australia’s like, ‘Our healthcare system is amazing.’ And we’re like, ‘Yea, yea. You got any more of them Hemsworths?’”

CHE – “President Trump said he would be ‘honored’ to meet with Kim Jong Un. I guess it’s nice to know that World War III will start over who gets the last pork chop.”

CHE – “Maybe Trump meeting with crazy dictators isn’t such a bad thing. We finally have a president who speaks fluent maniac. That could be helpful. Like the only person who can deal with my crazy Uncle Jeff is my crazy Uncle George. And it’s great when they’re together. Because we can all just enjoy a peaceful Thanksgiving dinner, while they’re in the bathroom measuring.”

JOST – “Trump will take his first international trip as President this month, visiting Saudi Arabia, Israel and the Vatican. Trump chose these three countries after Steve Bannon told him a joke about a Muslim, a Jew and a Priest. And Trump was like, ‘I gotta meet these guys.’”

JOST – “A woman arrested for drunk driving in Pennsylvania falsely told police that her name was Hillary Clinton. Police knew it wasn’t her though because Hillary Clinton would never go to Pennsylvania.”

JOST – “A pipe over New York’s Penn Station burst this week raining down raw sewage on commuters. An event Penn Station commuters are calling ‘an improvement.’”
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“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “We have breaking news tonight about Kim Jong Un, who actually describes himself as the Harry Styles of North Korea. Just hours ago North Korea attempted a missile launch but as soon as it took off it immediately exploded. North Korea claimed the failed launch was actually just ‘a tribute to Donald Trump’s first 100 days in office.’”

JOST – “As tensions have mounted between the U.S. and North Korea, Vice President Mike Pence was sent to South Korea, even though for Mike Pence, going south is a sin. Meanwhile, Donald Trump spent the weekend on the one peninsula less stable than Korea…Florida.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “In an interview President Trump explained that his stance on North Korea changed after meeting with China’s president, saying, ‘After listening for 10 minutes, I realized it’s not so easy.’ Which part? The North Korea part? Or the listening for 10 minutes part? Also, nothing says, ‘I wasn’t really listening’ more than saying, ‘I listened for 10 minutes.’ You’re never gonna hear, ‘I listened for 10 minutes, and now I know karate!’ You can’t just half listen and politely nod to the President of China like he’s asking you to check out his mixtape.”

JOST – “Health inspectors in Florida have issued 13 violations against President Trump’s Mar-A-Lago resort. But Trump isn’t too worried since he’s built up immunities to most diseases from a lifetime of waiters spitting in his food.”

CHE – “The Secret Service requested a 60 million dollar budget increase on top of the 74 million dollars already set aside for protecting Trump and his family. That’s 134 million dollars for protection. Are you getting them all ‘Iron Man’ suits? No family is in that much danger. I grew up in the New York City projects in the crack 80s and all we had for protection was a pitbull and a praying grandma. And if one of us got hurt, that was just God’s plan baby. You just put down some candles on the basketball court and you can move on.”

CHE – “Dr. Ben Carson toured a housing complex this week and got stuck in the elevator, where he spent 45 minutes trying to dial 911 on the floor buttons.”

JOST – “In shocking news this week, United is possibly not a great airline. On Thursday a passenger on one of their flights – and somehow this is true – was stung by a scorpion that fell from an overhead bin. And that was the best thing that happened on a United flight this week. The way worse story of course was that this poor doctor was dragged off an oversold flight to make room for United employees. United, your slogan is literally ‘Fly the Friendly Skies.’ I can’t think of anything less appropriate. That’s like if Chipotle’s slogan was ‘You’re gonna have an easy time on the toilet.’ Though I will say in fairness, United only promises to be friendly in the skies. On the ground, their slogan is ‘Don’t even look at us.’ After all this, I will never fly United Airlines ever again. Unless they have a cheap flight to wherever I’m going. In which case I’ll definitely fly United.”

JOST – “A woman in Australia gave birth to a 13 pound baby, completely ruining her ‘Down Under.’ Doctors say it has left her with what you might call a bloomin’ onion.”

CHE – “Police in Austria report that more than 1 million bees have been stolen from a local park. Or, and hear me out, they just flew away.”

CHE – “An ice cream parlor has begun serving ice cream specially made for dogs to eat. So take that, Africa! It even comes in dogs’ two favorite flavors: bacon and butt.”

JOST – “A new study finds that infants start to show racist tendencies between 6 and 9 months of age. And by the time they’re two, they’re already yelling at Dora to speak English.”

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“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “Well it turns out the only thing scarier than Donald Trump acting un-presidential is Donald Trump acting presidential. In response to the Syrian regime’s chemical weapons attack, President Trump on Thursday sent 59 tomahawk missiles to disable a Syrian airfield. Because when Donald Trump is angry, he always presses ‘send.’”

JOST – “This is one of those moments where it seems extra jarring that Donald Trump is our president. Even if you’re a Trump supporter, it’s gotta seem a little crazy that he’s starting a real war with Assad, while he’s still bogged down in a Twitter war with Schwarzenegger. Remember after Trump got elected, and everyone was like, ‘Stop taking Trump literally! He’s not literally gonna ban Muslims and deport Mexicans and bomb the hell out of everyone.’ All I’m saying is, if I were Hillary Clinton, I’d start getting in prison shape.”
“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “President Trump met with the Chinese president this week at his Mar-a-Lago estate. And when they stood next to each other for the first time, one thing became very clear – if you mashed them together they would look exactly like Steven Seagal.”

CHE – “The ‘New York Times’ has reported that Bill O’Reilly and Fox News have paid out 13 million dollars to five different women to settle their sexual harassment claims. Thirteen million dollars to five women. Best case scenario that means you’re so bad with women that every time you tried to flirt, it cost you 2.5 million dollars. I’m bad with women too, but the most it’s ever cost me was a 2 star rating on Uber pool.”

CHE – “A woman in California was injured after she fell 60 feet while trying to take a selfie from a bridge. Worse, she no longer has a good side.”

JOST – “Well, it’s official… Barry Manilow is gay. This story was first reported in the comment sections of his YouTube videos.”

CHE – “Officials at the Cleveland Zoo have announced that one of their critically endangered black rhinos is pregnant. Still no word on if she plans to keep it.”

CHE – “New research shows that the first thing 59 percent of people eat on their chocolate Easter bunnies are the ears. While the rest are like me and go straight for that butt.”
JOST – “It was reported that Yahoo and AOL will combine to form a new company. Because no one wants to die alone.”

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“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “This week Republicans made their best effort to unite the country, by presenting a new healthcare plan that everybody could hate. Together.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “It was estimated that the Republicans’ healthcare plan gives a 400 billion dollar tax break to the rich, while the poor will receive a box of generic Band-Aids and a travel size bottle of AirBorne.”

CHE – “Democrats are upset because a lot of poor people could lose coverage. Conservatives are upset because it doesn’t repeal Obamacare enough. And I’m upset because it still doesn’t cover medicinal cocaine. And I got a screenplay to finish.”

CHE – “The White House is officially calling the bill the ‘American Health Care Act.’ And not as many in the media have been calling it ‘Trumpcare,’ or as they probably should be calling it, ‘Don’t Care.’ ‘Are you old and poor and losing coverage? Don’t care.’”

CHE – “Representative Jason Chaffetz defended the costs of the new healthcare bill, saying that if poor people want insurance they will have to choose between healthcare and ‘that new iPhone.’ That’s ridiculous. How are you supposed to know when you need a doctor, if you don’t have an iPhone to FaceTime your junk to Colin, and ask ‘Yo man, you ever get this before?’”

CHE – “WikiLeaks released documents, saying the CIA can hack into personal devices and spy on people. Now this is why I’m glad I have black grandparents. They told me the CIA was recording everything years ago. One year I got my grandfather a Universal remote and he smashed it with his dress shoe and said, ‘Boy don’t you know that’s how they got Dr. King!’”

JOST – “It was reported that Jennifer Lopez is now dating Alex Rodriguez. J-Lo and A-Rod go by the cool celebrity couple name of, you guessed it, Alennifex Lodripez.”

JOST – “For the second year in a row the happiest city in the country is Naples, Florida. While the least happy city is once again Puppy Funeral, Minnesota.”

CHE – “Last week was World Orphan Week. So to all you orphans out there…better luck next year.”

CHE – “OJ Simpson could be released from prison as soon as this fall. And ladies, he’s single…  ” 

JOST – “The co-founder of the Waffle House passed away this week at 97. He died the way so many Waffle House patrons have: A knife fight in the parking lot.”
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“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “Without offering any evidence, in a series of tweets Donald Trump accused former President Obama of wiretapping Trump Tower during the election. He even tweeted: ‘Is it legal for a sitting president to be wiretapping a race for president prior to an election?’ Dude, you’re the President of the United States and you’re seeking legal counsel on Twitter? That’s like your doctor tweeting out, ‘Hey, does this look infected?’”
“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “I do have to give Trump some credit though. Earlier this week he was able to speak like a human president for over an hour. In fact, 78% of Americans had a positive reaction to Trump’s speech. But that’s just because the bar was set at ‘read words good.’ It’s not an encouraging sign that we’re holding the President of the United States to the same standard as any Bar Mitzvah boy.”

CHE – “President Trump appeared optimistic saying, ‘Everything that is broken in our country can be fixed.’ Which is hard to believe coming from a guy who’s spent the better part of his life as a slumlord. Whenever a bad landlord says they’ll fix something, you know they’re just going to send some Russian dude to do it.”

CHE – “President Trump said that his budget will help enlarge what he calls a ‘depleted military.’ Depleted military? In relation to what? The Death Star? I think out military has body dysmorphia. We’re like that roided out guy at the gym, slamming plates around, still working on our traps and it’s like yeah dude, we get it, you’re strong. Maybe focus on education now.”

CHE – “Kellyanne Conway was widely criticized this week after being photographed kneeling on a couch in the Oval Office. And yes, it does look like she’s searching for a Flo Rida playlist to make the black people dance. But I’m not gonna make fun of her. I actually feel bad for Kellyanne Conway. Her job sucks. You know when an airline loses your luggage and you can’t talk to the CEO, so you just end up screaming at some frazzled lady that’s now gotta spend her lunch break crying into a Lean Cuisine? Well that lady is Kellyanne Conway. That’s her day. We’ve all had rough jobs, but could you imagine being customer service for Donald Trump?”

JOST – “This week it was revealed that Attorney General Jeff Sessions met with the Ambassador of Russia during the campaign, even though he denied such a meeting at his confirmation hearing. Now, saying ‘no’ to a question when the answer is ‘yes’ might seem like a pretty black and white issue, but remember: Black and White issues are what Jeff Sessions is worst at. The only silver lining is that now when you Google ‘Jeff Sessions,’ ‘Jeff Sessions Russia’ comes up before ‘Jeff Sessions Racist.’ So that’s an improvement.”

JOST – “According to reports, while Mike Pence was Governor of Indiana he used a personal AOL email account to discuss sensitive matters, including homeland security. Pence said he originally chose AOL because Hotmail was forbidden by his church.”
CHE – “It was revealed that a church in North Carolina forced married couples to wait a year before having sex. Which means the ‘something blue’ at their wedding was ‘balls.’”

JOST – “For the first time in 146 years it has not snowed in Chicago during the months of January and February. Or all the snowflakes were shot before they reached the ground.”

CHE – “March is Women’s History Month, while April is a lot of backed up dishes.”

JOST – “The pizza chain Famous Famiglia, which is opening a store in Ghana, will ship New York City water to the African country to make their pizza taste authentic. Said Ghana, ‘Wait, you could have shipped us water this entire time?’”

JOST – “A British songwriter is suing U2 claiming that the band stole one of his songs. Though I don’t like the songwriter’s chances, because his lawyer is working pro Bono.”

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“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “A new list of terrorist attacks released by the White House this week was riddled with spelling errors. Or there’s been a huge increase in radical Icelandic terrorism.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “An appeals court unanimously upheld a suspension of President Trump’s travel ban. But, I mean, who are they to judge? Oh, federal judges? Oh. Yeah. Minutes after the ruling President Trump tweeted in all caps, ‘SEE YOU IN COURT!’ Honey, you can’t threaten federal judges with more court. And, you just lost in court. Trump’s a guy that gets his ass kicked in an alley and then yells, ‘Let’s take this outside!!’”

CHE – “But then Friday, President Trump said he may just file a brand new immigration order, instead of appealing to the Supreme Court. Of course. Because nobody actually follows through on an all caps tweet. I once tweeted in all caps, ‘I AM NEVER DRINKING AGAIN.’ And 3 days later, my account was disabled by NBC for drunk tweeting at Meredith Vieira.”

JOST – “While signing the new executive orders on crime, President Trump said, ‘A new era of justice begins and it begins right now.’ Then he spent 20 minutes struggling to get into a Batman costume.”

CHE – “On Thursday the White House, quote, ‘counseled’ Kellyanne Conway after she violated a federal ethics rule by promoting Ivanka Trump’s clothing line on Fox News. Counseled? Her job title is literally counselor to the president. So Trump’s White House is so dysfunctional, his counselor needs a counselor. That’s like your Uber driver asking you to get out and push.”

JOST – “The Senate voted Wednesday to confirm Jeff Beauregard Sessions as our new confederate general. Sorry, Attorney General.”

JOST – “Sessions was rejected for a position as a federal judge in 1986 over concerns of racism. But don’t worry, if there’s one thing that usually makes racists better, it’s age.”

CHE – “Newly confirmed Secretary of Education Betsy Devos was blocked from entering a school by protesters. You know, I can’t remember this many people freaking out over cabinet positions. My white friend asked me, ‘Can you believe they’re putting Ben Carson in charge of the projects?’ And I was like, ‘There’s somebody in charge of the projects?’ Since when? Who the hell is he replacing? The Crips?”

CHE – “You know, the pace of this presidency is exhausting. I never thought I’d say this, but I’m starting to feel bad for Donald Trump. In just the span of one day, he was in a losing battle with three federal judges, a decorated war hero, and a department store. Dude, pace yourself. Donald Trump can’t keep this up. Not with that old bloated Kentucky Fried Chicken body. No wonder he’s always cranky, he’s probably gassy. Plus now every time he checks the internet, he’s gotta see pictures of Obama in the Caribbean, getting his groove back. Obama’s all tanned, getting henna tattoos. Meanwhile, Trump is force-smiling through a 30-second handshake with the Prime Minister of Japan like ‘What the eff am I doing here?’ It’s sad. I hope Trump quits. I mean, Donald, is this really how you wanna spend the last two years of your life?”

CHE – “A new coffee shop has opened in Brooklyn that will sell an $18 cup of coffee. Which only makes sense to me if it’s served with a side of 15 damn dollars.”
JOST – “An American woman set a new record by visiting every country in the world in 19 months. And after all that travel, she found the one thing that had been inside her all along. Zika.”

JOST – “A Massachusetts couple whose son was born during the Super Bowl has named him ‘Brady.’ And an Atlanta couple whose son was born during the Super Bowl has named him, ‘Son of a Bitch!’”

CHE – “A Cheeto that looks like the gorilla Harambe was sold on eBay for nearly $100,000. The buyer is actually a little like Harambe in that he also deserves to be shot.”
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“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “Donald Trump has signed 18 executive orders in his first 12 days as president. Now that sounds like a lot, but keep in mind. That it is a lot.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “A federal judge last night temporarily blocked President Trump’s Travel Ban from being enforced. But Trump’s not too worried about it, because for him getting temporarily blocked is just foreplay.”

CHE – “Everything people said Trump couldn’t do, he just does. His slogan should’ve been, ‘Yes we can.’ You can’t ban Muslims. ‘Yes we can.’ Just two weeks as president, and he’s putting up walls, kicking people out. Trump is gut renovating the country like it’s a crack house on ‘Flip or Flop.’”

CHE – “Eighteen in 12 days? I haven’t seen this many executive orders since Obama made 19 in 12 days. But that was like eight years ago. Back then it was crazy, we had a black president, it was weird! Even then, Donald Trump actually criticized Obama for signing so many executive orders. But that’s only because Donald Trump didn’t like Obama. And when you really don’t like someone, you don’t wanna see them make any decisions, even if it’s in your favor. Trump could sign an order for free pizza and protestors would be outside the White House demanding tacos.”

JOST – “The White House responded to criticism of the Travel Ban by saying that they’re not banning Muslims, they’re just banning people from seven Muslim-majority nations. Which is sort of like saying, ‘We’re not banning white people, we’re just banning people who loved ‘La La Land.’”

CHE – “Trump says the ban is to prevent ‘radical Islamic terrorists’ in America. But, first of all, what is ‘radical Islam?’ That’s just too subjective of a term. I have a Muslim friend. He doesn’t eat pork and he doesn’t have sex with white women. And to me, that’s mad radical. But he’s not a terrorist. Terrorism is the actual problem. When you only associate terrorism with one religion, you make them synonymous. There’s 1.7 billion Muslims in this world. If you think 1.7 billion people are actively trying to kill you, maybe you’re a little radical.”
CHE – “Also, how are we supposed to find these terrorists if the only thing we know about them is that they’re one of almost 2 billion other people? I mean, there’s two billion people who drink alcohol, and alcohol kills like 1,000 times more people than ‘radical Islam.’ But the difference is alcohol never has a problem getting on an airplane, because people aren’t afraid of it. Meanwhile, if you got on a plane and saw the pilot wearing a turban, you’d be like, ‘I hope he’s just using that thing to hide his booze.’”

JOST – “While appearing on MSNBC, Kellyanne Conway defended President Trump’s Travel Ban by referencing what she called the ‘Bowling Green Massacre,’ which is a terrorist attack that never happened. In response, Congress immediately launched an investigation into Hillary Clinton’s role in the Bowling Green Massacre.”

JOST – “In a phone call with Australia’s Prime Minister, President Trump called a plan to accept more than a thousand refugees from the country, ‘a dumb deal.’ Trump threatened to retaliate by hitting Australia with a 20 percent import tax on Hemsworth Brothers.”

CHE – “Donald Trump’s call with the Australian Prime Minister got so heated, he had to send Steve Bannon to smooth things over with their Ambassador. But honestly, if I got a call from Australia telling me to do something I didn’t wanna do, I’d probably do the same thing. Even if it were important, I’d be like, ‘Who cares? It’s Australia. Isn’t it still yesterday over there? Just go there tomorrow and tell them I didn’t say that today.’”

CHE – “On Groundhog Day, Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow, meaning six more weeks of winter. Isn’t it kind of funny that Groundhog Day starts the second day of Black History Month? Just one day into learning about Martin Luther King and Rosa Parks, and we’re like ‘Oh look, a groundhog!”

JOST – “Police at Kennedy Airport arrested a man after they found cocaine hidden in three cans of tuna. He faces up to 10 years for the cocaine and the death penalty for bringing tuna onto an airplane.”

JOST – “A new study finds that people can improve their sleep by camping outside for a week during the winter. The study was published by hungry wolves.”

JOST – “A Saudi Prince has reportedly spent more than $15,000 to buy seats on a flight for his 80 pet falcons. Then all hell broke loose when they started the in-flight movie: ‘Stuart Little.’”

CHE – “Tomorrow is Super Bowl 51, and it’s New England versus Atlanta. After everything this year, I just wanna watch football and Doritos commercials. I used to make fun of white guys for getting upset at Kaepernick for protesting the National Anthem, but now I get it. I’m exhausted too. For three hours, I just don’t wanna think about any social issues or politics. I just wanna relax, turn off my brain, and watch the blackest city in America beat the most racist city I’ve ever been to.”

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