Tuesday, February 11, 2020



“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – The audience for Trump’s speech consisted of his legal team and Republican lawmakers. Because I guess that circle ain’t gonna jerk itself. 

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – Trump also railed against public schools calling them, “failing government schools.” Okay, but you went to private school and you don’t even know where Kansas City is. 

CHE – During the State of the Union President Trump, in a touching moment, awarded Rush Limbaugh the Presidential Medal of Freedom, and then immediately after the speech in a more touching moment, Rush traded the medal for a bottle of Oxy. 

JOST – This problematic voting app was developed by a company called Shadow Inc. Remember in the 2016 primaries when the Democrats’ main problem was transparency? Then this time, they hired a company called Shadow Inc. That’s like losing half your money in wire fraud and then putting everything you have left into something called Nigerian Prince National Bank. 

CHE – On Friday, Lieutenant Colonel Vindman, who testified during President Trump’s Impeachment trial, was escorted from the White House and fired. Now, you might recall that Vindman received a Purple Heart due to a wound in combat, while Trump has a purple heart because his blood type is hamburger grease.

CHE – McDonald’s announced a new Oreo Shamrock Shake. Coincidentally, Oreo Shamrock is also what Colin calls Obama. 

JOST – California is considering stopping physical fitness tests in schools over concerns that they lead to bullying and body-shaming. So good job getting gym cancelled, you fat losers. 

CHE – A gas station in Milwaukee may lose its business license after it was discovered that, a male porn star recorded a sex video there. Even sadder, it was self pump.

JOST – Researchers say they have developed a new way to stitch wounds together using a type of yarn made from human skin. They also say where they got yarn made from human skin isn't important.


“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – Well, the impeachment trial is basically over… is a sentence I could have said two weeks ago when the trial began.

JOST – In a new book, John Bolton claims that last August, President Trump told him directly that he was holding up aid to Ukraine until they investigate the Bidens. Hey guys, what’s up with the books? When there’s an emergency, just tell us right away. If your friend’s about to get murdered, you don’t go off and write a novel called, “The Killer Behind You.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – The Palestinian President has rejected Trump’s Middle East Peace Plan saying, quote, “1,000 no’s to the deal.” Incidentally, “1,000 no’s” is what Trump calls “consent.” 

CHE – Senator Amy Klobuchar has been getting a lot of attention during the Iowa Caucuses for bringing her family’s “Tater Tot Hot Dish” to events. Coincidentally, “Tater Tot Hot Dish” is the name of a guy Joe Biden wrestled in a public pool in 1962. 

JOST – Secretary of State Mike Pompeo screamed at an NPR reporter because she asked him questions about the Ukraine scandal. Then, Pompeo demanded that the reporter point out Ukraine on a map, which she easily did. Worse, Pompeo then responded, “Wait – that one is Ukraine?
JOST – Harvey Weinstein once again showed up to a court appearance using a walker. And then, like Willy Wonka, he dropped the walker, did a somersault and ejaculated into a plant.

CHE – Tomorrow’s Super Bowl pits San Francisco vs. Kansas City. Hey! Just like the election.
CHE – Boxers Larry Holmes and Gerry Cooney are in talks for a rematch nearly forty years after they last fought. The fight will consist of ten rounds of boxing, and eighty bathroom breaks. It’ll be the first fight decided by natural causes.

JOST – Krispy Kreme Doughnuts announced that it’s opening a flagship store in Times Square. It’s perfect, because every time I walk through Times Square, I step in something that can best be described as “crispy cream.”


“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – I didn’t watch one minute of that trial. It was like a four day-long PowerPoint. This is supposed to be Trump’s punishment, not mine. This whole impeachment is like a bad episode of “Maury.” There’s all this evidence that Trump clearly cheated, and Republicans are still like, “But Murray, he looove me!”

CHE – Trump is so confident he’s gonna win, he’s using Jeffrey Epstein’s lawyer to represent him. Talk about credibility. Who’s his character witness? R. Kelly?

CHE – I mean, maybe I’m paranoid, but I’m starting to think Democrats actually want Trump to stay in office. ‘Cause every time he does something crazy and racist, they’re like, “ohhhhhh noooooo…don’t do thatttttt…” I mean, you’re telling me the United States government can’t figure out how to remove a crazy dictator? We’ve been practicing all over the world, for like a hundred years. We’re kinda famous for it. That’d be like if Jamaica forgot how to unwind. 

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – Derek Jeter was voted into the Hall of Fame by the Baseball Writers Association, but was one vote shy of a unanimous decision. In case you were wondering if Derek Jeter ever slept with a baseball writer’s wife. 

CHE – The U.S. Navy has for the first time ever named an aircraft carrier in honor of an African-American sailor. And he must’ve been pretty brave joining the Navy, not knowing how to swim. 

JOST – A popular porn website has suffered a massive data breach that exposed users' identities and credit card numbers. “Wait, which porn site?” said your husband just now. 

CHE – A goat has been born in India with a genetic deformity that makes it look like it has a human face. “Wow, crazy, how did that happen?” said a lonely farmer.


“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – On Wednesday, the House voted to impeach President Trump, but Nancy Pelosi refuses to send the articles to the Senate until they guarantee a fair trial. So now we’re all in this weird limbo where no one knows exactly what’s going on. There’s this cast of wild characters making fools of themselves and everyone is thinking “ Please God just let this end.” So basically it’s “Cats.” 

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – In a letter to Nancy Pelosi, Trump claimed that he has been treated worse than "those accused in the Salem Witch Trials." You know, where they set women on fire for like wearing pants? Well, according to Donald Trump “impeachment is like literally, worse than that!” 

CHE – I’m a little disappointed in Trump. I knew he would snap, but I thought it’d be fun like Tupac in ’96, this is more sad like Britney in ’07.

JOST – Singer Jason Derulo, who plays Rum Tum Tugger in the movie "Cats," said that filmmakers digitally edited out his bulge, even stranger they edited it onto Dame Judi Dench. 

JOST – A man in California was kicked off a JetBlue flight after bringing his pet possum on the plane. While at Spirit Airlines, that’s what falls down when you need an oxygen mask.
JOST – Tonight is our Christmas show and we have a tradition where Che and I give each other jokes to read.

CHE – And we’re making each other read jokes, live on air that the other person has never seen before. 

JOST – And the idea this year is to make it fun and not, try to ruin anyone's career or get them stabbed on the subway or backstage at the Eddie Murphy show.

JOST – Recent polls show that Pete Buttigieg has only four percent support among African Americans. But that'll change once Pete announces his running mate: The Popeye’s chicken sandwich.

CHE – A new interview with England's Prince Andrew is being called a "total disaster' after he said his friend Jeffrey Epstein "conducted himself in a manner unbecoming” I don’t know, from what I’ve read it sounded like he becoming all the time. 

JOST – The bat used by Babe Ruth to hit his 500th home run was auctioned off this week. Also, I'll be auctioning off the bat I used to keep my neighborhood white

CHE – Researchers are testing a new method to treat cancer by injecting the cells with the herpes virus. So good news, if you’ve ever had sex with me, you might have the cure for cancer! 


“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – After yesterday's vote approving articles of impeachment, President Trump could become the first president to face impeachment while also running for reelection. Because only Democrats could figure out a way to lose twice in the same year.

JOST – Trump also announced plans to sign an executive order that would reclassify Judaism as both a nationality and a race. So now if someone accuses Trump of being racist, he can say, “Um, my daughter is in an interracial marriage.” 

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – According to a new poll, thirty-seven percent of registered Republicans say that Donald Trump is a better President than George Washington, now that sounds ridiculous, but then I remembered George Washington owned slaves. So I guess I would say Trump’s better than that? 

JOST – The Scripps National Spelling Bee has announced a change to next year's contest after this year's spelling bee ended in an eight-way tie. The new change? Knives.

CHE – Harvey Weinstein has reached a twenty-five million dollar settlement with the women accusing him of sexual misconduct. But in order to get the money, the women have to grab it out of his bathrobe pocket.

CHE – For the first time in history of "Wheel of Fortune," the game show was hosted by Vanna White. There were no survivors. 

JOST – IHOP has opened a new casual version of their restaurant called “Flip’d.” Because who hasn’t walked into a regular IHOP and thought, “Well this is just way too formal.”

CHE – The group “One Million Moms” is boycotting the Hallmark Channel for airing a commercial featuring a same-sex couple getting married and kissing. Ladies, relax if your kid is watching the Hallmark Channel, he already gay as hell.

JOST – Thousands of what are being called, "penis fish" have washed ashore on a California beach. Not only that, one kid says he even found one in his mother's nightstand.


“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – This week, Democrats announced that they would move towards impeachment before Christmas. So Trump was right, a lot of Americans will be saying, “Merry Christmas!” again.

JOST – After announcing articles of impeachment, Nancy Pelosi criticized a reporter who asked her if she hates President trump saying, “As a Catholic, I don’t hate anyone.” Which is crazy, because as a Catholic, I know there’s always one person you hate: yourself. Also, the catholic approach wouldn’t be to impeach Trump, it would be to quietly transfer him to a different presidency. 

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – President Trump warned France that if it imposes a tax on U.S. tech companies, the U.S. will retaliate with a tax on French wine. And I gotta admit, it is pretty funny that all of Trump’s tariffs are just based on lazy stereotypes. Like, if it was Japan, I bet he’d try to tax Ninja stars. Or if it was Italy? Spaghetti. God forbit it was a black country. He’d probably tax those Popeye’s chicken sandwiches.

JOST – According to AT&T, Representative Devin Nunes spoke with Giuliani associate, Lev Parnas, on the phone for more than eight minutes. Which if true, would be the longest call ever completed on AT&T.

CHE – The White House has issued new guidelines that require people receiving food stamps to work at least twenty hours a week. Well, I guess people on food stamps have had it too good for too long. Why does everybody always think the poorest people are tryna take advantage of them? I mean, one time I saw a guy begging on the train, and I was about to give him money, and this lady immediately goes, “Oh, he’s just faking it.” And I’m like, I don’t know, that smells like pretty real piss.

JOST – Peloton is being called sexist for a new ad showing a wife obsessively using a Peloton bike that her husband gave her. But at least they decided against using the slogan: “Peloton: You’d Better Keep it Tighter Than the Babysitter.”

JOST – The parents of a toddler in Great Britain say he’s obsessed with a hairstyling mannequin head, and he carries it everywhere. It’s an adorable habit that his parents will look back on wistfully when they’re watching him be sentenced for multiple murders.

CHE – The XFL has unveiled its new uniforms for the league’s upcoming season. And to save time, they’ll be shipping them directly to Haiti.

JOST – A German woman is under investigation after she was told to leave a tram for not having a ticket, and she sprayed the worker with her breast milk. And the worst part was the worker just stood there, mouth wide open.

CHE – The wife of John Schnatter, the founder of Papa John’s, has filed for divorce. Because, marriage is a lot like Papa John’s pizza: it only seems like a good idea when you’re drunk and alone.


“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – Testimony in the impeachment hearing concluded in the House this week. And now the debate will shift to your house for Thanksgiving.

JOST - But the big revelation this week was that EU Ambassador Gordon Sondland, explicatively tied President Trump, Mike Pompeo and Mike Pence to the campaign. It’s especially tough for Pence whose greatest fear is being tied to something by another man.

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – Former New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg spoke at a predominately black church in Brooklyn, where he apologized for his stop-and-frisk policy. And as a black man from New York, I'll say apology…noted. Not accepted. Just noted. Cause as much as I hate to be racially profiled, I got to admit stop and frisk did give me a good excuse for being late to work a lot and also helped me find a lot of weed I thought I lost.

CHE – The screenwriter of the new Harriet Tubman biopic," said that when he first pitched the movie in the 1990s, a studio executive suggested that Julia Roberts play Harriet Tubman. Worse, it was going to be called “Runaway Bride 2.”

CHE – South Dakota's Governor is defending a new anti-Meth campaign which features the tagline, "Meth. We're on it." Which still isn't as bad North Dakota’s ad campaign, “Cocaine. We cracked it.”

JOST - The maker of M&M's announced a new vegan chocolate candy made with a plant-based alternative. But I guess the real news here is that apparently regular M&M's are made from meat.

CHE – A new museum has opened in London called "The Vagina Museum," which focuses on destigmatizing female anatomy And if you're planning a trip, remember it's closed one week a month. 


“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – Former US Ambassador Marie Yovanovitch testified yesterday at the impeachment hearing and you know she made Trump nervous because he tweeted this during her testimony. "Everywhere Marie Yovanovitch went turned bad. She started off in Somalia, how did that go?" Well as long as we’re talking about track record, Trump started off in Atlantic City, how did that go?

JOST - Lawyers for President Trump have filed an appeal to the Supreme Court to keep his tax returns secret. So you know they're bad. This is like if your girlfriend asked to see your texts and you just threw your phone in the ocean.

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – Yesterday Roger Stone was found guilty of multiple federal crimes and I don’t know if you’ll remember, but this guy once put out an ad on the internet looking for muscular, well hung black men so…jackpot?

JOST – Sad news this week as Sean Spicer was eliminated from Dancing with the Stars. President Trump tweeted his support for Spicer saying, “A great try by Sean we are all proud of you.” But Sean, if you're watching ,no we're not.

CHE – Free agent quarterback Colin Kaepernick held a private workout today to show that he can still play on an NFL team and if he can't, he'll have to settle for playing with the New York Giants.

JOST – Italy will become the first country in the world to make it mandatory for schools to teach children about climate change. Because, as Italian scientists put it, the earth is about to become one-a-spicy­ meata-ball!

JOST- The largest Starbucks in the world opened Friday in Chicago. The news was first reported in Hobo Bathroom Quarterly.

CHE – Sesame Street has turned 50 years old, which explains why Big Bird got Botox.

CHE - During the Chinese shopping holiday known as Singles Day, which celebrates people who are single, shoppers spent 1 billion dollars in the first 60 seconds. Coincidentally, blowing a big wad in the first 60 seconds is why many of those people are single in the first place.

JOST – Beaches in southwestern France have been shut down after mysterious bricks of cocaine keep washing on shore. Prompting questions like, “Which beaches?” and “Where exactly?”

CHE – A man in Iowa went to a medical clinic for a circumcision and was instead given a vasectomy was awarded two million dollars. Plus tip.

JOST - The world's first infinity pool with a 360 degree view has opened in London on top of a skyscraper. Perfect for anyone who wants to fall to their death playing Marco Polo.


“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST President Trump announced that he is changing his permanent residence from New York to Florida. 'Cuz you know what they say: if you can't drain the swamp, move to it.

JOST I gotta say, it's such a genius troll move that Trump raised taxes for New Yorkers and then left New York. It's like ripping one in an elevator, then pressing all the buttons and running out.
“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE I don't blame Trump for moving. He got booed today in New York at the UFC fight. He got booed in DC at the World Series. Now he's moving to Florida so he can probably get booed at Disney World. He gets booed everywhere he's ever lived. I mean, even Cosby can still play Philly. 

CHE By the way, you gotta be a special kind of guy for New Yorkers to unanimously hate you. We put up with a lot of bad people. Just today, I had a fella yell the n-word at me on the subway with a hard "er," and even still, I don't "hate" him. I just finished peeing and switched cars.

JOST Beto O'Rourke announced he's dropping out of the 2020 presidential race. Said Beto: "Ay, caramba! No hay Presidente para mí."

CHE Well, ya know things are going great when a state is on fire, and that’s like the third biggest story of the week. It's being reported now, the most recent wildfire in Southern California is threatening millions of dollars worth of avocados. White women are devastated.

CHE A forensic pathologist hired by Jeffrey Epstein's family is claiming that his death was not a suicide, but that he was murdered. Everybody has a crazy conspiracy theory for this fella's death. “Oh, the Clintons had him killed! Trump had him killed! The Russians did it!” Anything but the boring, likely story that he broke his own neck trying to masturbate with a belt.

JOST Freshman Representative Katie Hill resigned amid allegations that she had an affair with a staff member, who had a three-way relationship with HiII and her former husband. It’s a shame, because Hill was the rare politician who could heIp two parties come together.

JOST Elizabeth Warren released a detailed plan for funding Medicare for all that promises not to raise middle class taxes by one penny, but instead by several trillion pennies.

JOST A law has been proposed in New York City banning the sale of the delicacy foie gras, which is traditionally made by force-feeding ducks. Though in New York, it's made whenever a pigeon falls into boiling hot dog water.

CHE Apple has introduced nearly sixty new emoji characters including a skunk, an oyster, and a drop of blood. Which coincidentally, is the exact recipe for Mountain Dew. 

JOST A staircase in the Bronx that was featured in the movie "Joker" has become a major tourist attraction—especially among couples where the girlfriend has no say.

JOST The University of Arizona announced that it will stop referring to itself as U of A and now be known as, "UArizona. " Is it just me or does “UArizona" sound like the punchline to a joke about Arizona stereotypes. "If you've ever gotten a DUI in a golf cart—UArizona."

CHE A sixty-seven year old woman in China gave birth this week. The birth set a record for "most friction.” See? You guys don't realize it, but that joke took me like four hours to write! I had much better punchlines, but the fellas at NBC standards said they were all too dirty. Like at first, I was gonna say "WeIl, I hope that kid likes his milk chalky!” But they said you can't say that on TV. It was my second favorite punchline, my first favorite being, “She can breastfeed just by standing over the crib." That's a good one, right?! NBC said "too gross," which is ridiculous. “Too gross” would be like if I said, "Doctors described the birth as, quote, like pulling a penny out of a wad of gum.” Now that's too gross. Even I wouldn’t tell that joke on TV.


“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – A top diplomat confirmed the quid pro quo with Ukraine, public support for impeachment rose to over half the country, and they even took Trump’s name off his own skating rinks in New York. You know you’re losing support among white voters when you can’t even appeal to ice skaters. 

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has endorsed Bernie Sanders for president. Damn, another young woman turning to an older man promising to pay for college. 

JOST – Bernie Sanders announced his plan to legalize marijuana on Thursday at 4:20, because he likes his voters like he likes his taxes: high as hell. 

JOST – Two women on the International Space Station made history with the first all-female spacewalk. Which was marked by live television coverage and a male astronaut inside the space station yelling “Kiss!”

JOST – A new poll shows that the best known Supreme Court justice is now Brett Kavanaugh. Sort of in the same way that the best known sandwich mascot is Jared Fogle. 

CHE – Lawmakers in Boston are considering a new law that would make it illegal to call someone a “bitch.” Unless, of course, they’re wearing a Yankees hat. 

CHE – To celebrate the four hundredth anniversary of the Mayflower, a solar-powered boat will cross the Atlantic. Now personally, I’m not celebrating any ship that crossed the Atlantic four hundred years ago. Fool me twice, shame on me. 

JOST – An art student in Norway has trained her pet rat to make tiny paintings with his feet. Critics call the paintings “bad, even by rat standards.”

JOST – Police in Florida arrested a man in a local Target for masturbating with an Olaf doll. Worse, he let it go. I think it’s weird to use an Olaf doll, because most people use their Hans. 


“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – According to a Fox News poll, 51% of Americans support impeaching President Trump. And you know its bad cuz Fox news barely talked about their own poll. I saw the poll all over MSNBC, when I flipped over to Fox News, they were decorating cakes.

JOST – Giluani’s two associates are also successful entrepreneurs. Igor, the handsome one, owns a club in Ukraine that’s called, Mafia Rave, which I think counts as a full confession. And Lev, the shy one, owns a security business called, I swear to you, Fraud Guarantee.

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – You think after this whole impeachment thing is over, we can just take a year off from Presidents? Just to clear our heads a little and not rush in to someone horrible. Right now, my standards are so low, I saw Bernie Sanders have a heart attack and I was like, maybe him? He seems tough.

JOST – Joe Biden for the first time called for President Trump to be impeached and removed from office. After he finally realized that the Joe Biden Trump keeps attacking, was him.

JOST – California has passed a new college law that will allow college athletes to earn money from the use of their name and likeness. This is great news for top California collegiate athletes like Aunt Becky’s daughter. 

CHE – The owner of the Jacksonville Jaguars announced that he will be a majority investor in a new twenty-four hour news network aimed at African American viewers. Unfortunately, they’ve named it CNN-word. 

JOST – Astronauts on the international Space Station successfully created meat using a 3-D printer. And after eating it, they created a fourth “D” – diarrhea. 

JOST – A Florida man was arrested after he caught an alligator and tried to get it drunk. Worse, the man calls himself Crocodile Cosby. 

CHE – A British woman, who is a vegan, called the police on her friends after she claims they tricked her into eating chicken nuggets by saying they were plant-based. She knew she’d been tricked when the nuggets tasted good.

JOST – At a gathering of Bishops, Pope Francis suggested that the Vatican may consider dropping celibacy requirements for some priests. Then rushed back to the mic to add, “with adult women.”

CHE - Florida police arrested a woman who was riding her bike with a glass pipe hidden in her buttocks. They were able to catch up to her after she turned onto a very bumpy road.


“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – As impeachment gains momentum, President Trump said he may stop referring to the media as “fake news” and start calling them “corrupt news.” And the media says they may stop referring to him as ‘”President Trump” and start calling him “Former President Trump.”

JOST – Trump brushed off any concerns about impeachment saying, “I'm used to it. It's like putting on a suit.” Meaning it’s a massive daily struggle that takes up most of his morning.

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – Trump keeps saying there was, “No quid pro quo.” Which can only mean there was mad “quid pro quo.” Whenever a guy with Iike a thirty word vocabulary starts quoting the law in Latin, it's 'cause he breaks that law all the time. That’s only something you can learn the hard way. Just like there’s guys who can barely count, but can somehow tell you exactly how much cocaine you can get caught with before it’s considered trafficking. That’s three grams by the way.

CHE – A number of companies have started offering plant-based dog food options. Perfect for anyone who wants to pick up liquid dookie with a plastic bag.

JOST – Lawyers for R. Kelly, who’s being held without bail, are complaining that the singer is only allowed to visit with one of his girlfriends at a time. Worse, visiting hours conflict with the schedule of their middle school.

JOST – A new study suggests that fathers-to-be should stop drinking alcohol six months before trying to conceive a child. The study's goal was to end Ireland.

CHE – A Manhattan attorney has filed a 100,000 dollar lawsuit against a batting cage company after a faulty machine fired a 75 MPH fastball into his left testicle. So I guess, ball one.
JOST – A new study finds that cats bond with people like dogs do but are too aloof to show it. Which is why I named my cat, "Dad."

CHE – Residents on Staten Island are upset with a local man who keeps a pet horse in his yard, saying the animal smells and attracts flies. But you know what else smells and attracts flies? Staten Island.

CHE – Two people in Michigan accessed a computer billboard along a highway and changed the display to show a pornographic movie. As a result, police say there were a record number of car jackings. 


“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – Maybe I just don’t understand politics. ‘Cause when they say, “Trump is getting impeached,” I immediately thought, “Great, Trump’s fired. Let’s get drunk.” But they’re like, “No. He’s just being impeached.” But he ain’t exactly peached yet. That’s still gonna take another year or so. And I’m like damn, that sucks. Let’s get drunk. It’s only a four year job. But it feels like its taking them 5 year to fire him. It’s frustrating. I bet somebody explained the process to John Wilkes booth, and he was like, “Ok, well where’s he at right now?”
CHE – Disney announced that its theme parks will start selling vegan food options. Finally, something at Disney where there wont be a line.

CHE – A flight in China was delayed after a passenger opened an emergency exit door because she wanted “a breath of fresh air” “Which was clearly a lie because we all know China doesn’t have fresh air.”

WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – The New York Metropolitan Opera announced that singer Placido Domingo has stepped down after accusations of sexual misconduct. He will be replaced by his far less sexually aggressive understudy. “Flaccido Domingo.” 

JOST – The National Toy Hall of Fame has announced their twelve finalists for this year’s class, including Care Bears, Jenga, My Little Pony, and long-shot nominee matches.

CHE – A woman in Louisiana who became trapped under a camel freed herself by biting the animal’s testicles. The idea came after she wasted four hours licking them.

JOST - E-cigarette maker Juul's CEO has stepped down amid new concerns over the safety of vaping. Though keep in mind the CEO of JuuI is just a can of Four Loko with a sex addiction.

JOST - A new airport has opened in China that has the world's largest terminal and can handle seventy-two million passengers a year. Not to be outdone, officials in Newark just slid a coaster under a corner to keep the airport from wobbling.


“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “Well this season of SNL started in 2018, but it looks like it’s going to end somewhere back in the 1970’s.”

“WEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “China retaliated to President Trump’s tariffs by imposing their own tariffs on products that the U.S sells to China. Wait, what the hell do we sell to China, besides Marvel movies and credit card debt?” Listen, I’ve never been to China, but I have been to Chinatown and one thing I can tell you is that anything we have, they can just make for themselves. All they gotta do is change one letter and sell a billion “Abble Watches.”

JOST – “Jared Kushner and Stephen Miller who both have resting evil face, have spent months together working on the Trump Administration’s immigration plan. What I wouldn’t give to be a fly on that wall watching all the other flies swarm around their master.”
JOST – “In a plan backed by the Trump Administration, NASA has announced it would send the first woman to the moon by 2024. Unfortunately, it’s against her will. It’s a plan they’re calling LAUNCH HER UP.”

CHE – “Actress Alyssa Milano has called on women to go on a sex strike to protest restrictive new abortion laws. But I just don’t think these Republican Senators are getting Alyssa Milano level sex at home. I bet if their wives said. “I’m on a sex strike!” They’d be like “Cool…I’ll be at the airport men’s room, don’t wait up for me."

CHE – "Comedian Chris Rock is teaming up with Lionsgate on a reboot of the movie “Saw,” which I assume he will be recalling “Seent.”

JOST – "A new survey ranks the Boston accent as one of the sexiest accents in America, but keep in mind the survey was conducted by “Catastrophic Hearing Loss” magazine."
JOST – "Conservatives are upset over a new episode of the PBS children’s cartoon “Arthur” in which Arthur’s teacher is revealed to be gay. Meanwhile, no one seems to care that Peppa Pig’s head is a full on penis."

JOST – "A student in Texas, who is nicknamed “White Lightning,” set a high school record by running the 100 meter dash in 9.98 seconds. Coincidentally, people call me white lightning because I also finish in under ten seconds."

CHE – "Doctors in Iowa have confirmed a dog disease that can be passed on to humans. Fine. I’ll wear a condom."

JOST – "A new report finds that as people move into formerly wild areas of Africa, human activity is disrupting chimpanzee “culture.” Incidentally, “chimpanzee culture” is also what my grandpa calls hip hop."

CHE – "Pope Francis ended a Vatican summit by promising the Catholic Church would confront the clergy sex abuse “head-on” instead of their usual way “face down, ass up.”

JOST – "A substitute teacher in North Carolina has resigned after she reportedly told a class of elementary school students that Martin Luther King, Jr. killed himself. In her defense, he is the one who decided to keep running his mouth."


“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – "Well guys, it turns out that Donald Trump may not be the financial genius that no one ever really thought he was. According to tax documents from 1985 to 1994, Donald Trump “appears to have lost more money than any other American taxpayer,” and I love that during that period when he was losing a billion dollars, he had the audacity to write a book about how great he was at business. It’s like if right now, R Kelly wrote a book on babysitting."

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – "President Trump’s tax documents also show that his airline, which I didn’t know anything about launched in 1989 and lost seven million dollars a month until it shutdown in 1992. And just to give you an idea of how bad his airline was, it lasted thirty-three years less than Spirit."

JOST – "The Republican-led Senate Intelligence Committee has subpoenaed Donald Trump Jr. to testify about his meeting with Russian officials. And, so he didn’t feel left out, Eric got a subpoena from Detective Pikachu."

CHE – "President Trump escalated his trade war with China on Friday. And as the proud father of over 500 pairs of sneakers, this really worries me. China makes everything I need to survive. Shoes. Hoodies. Fake Louis Vuitton. Beef and Broccoli. “Rush Hour.” Even when I see a tag on something that says, “Made in America” – that tag was probably made in China."

JOST – "This week marked the first anniversary of Melania Trump’s “Be Best” anti-bullying campaign. And if you don’t think it’s going well, you’re a fat idiot who has no friends."

CHE – "President Trump welcomed the Boston Red Sox to the White House in honor of their World Series win. However most of the team’s black players skipped the ceremony in protest. Said Trump, “Perfect.”

JOST – "Cory Booker will attend a fundraiser hosted by the founder of LinkedIn. Making Booker the first person to actually accept an invitation from LinkedIn."

JOST – "This Sunday is Mother’s Day. A holiday that Georgia is trying to make mandatory."

CHE – "Jeff Bezos introduced a new lunar lander, which he plans to use to send people to the moon in by 2024. So to answer your question, no he isn’t handling the divorce well."

JOST – "Facebook has introduced a new feature allowing people to connect with someone they have a secret crush on. To learn more, watch a future episode of “Dateline” called “The Facebook Murders.”

CHE – "Police in Wisconsin are searching for a man who stole twenty four bottles of Hennessy from a local Costco. And, no need to google it – he’s black."

CHE – "A video has been posted of a porn star and her boyfriend having sex in a Tesla while it was driving in autopilot. And amazingly, no one was rear-ended."

CHE – "Shortly after a Florida Man was arrested for having an “I Eat Ass” sticker on his truck, prosecutors have dropped all charges against him. And I think I know how he got out of it."


“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “House Judiciary Chairman Jerrold Nadler said that if the Justice Department doesn't hand over the unredacted Mueller Report by Monday, he will initiate contempt proceedings against Barr. Man just steal the damn report. Why is this so complicated? They found 30,000 of Hillary’s deleted emails. I’m sure you can find a bootleg copy of that Mueller Report somewhere. Democrats deal with Trump like white parents deal with screaming kids at supermarkets. Trump’s just kicking over pickle jars and knocking over boxes, and they’re like ‘I’m gonna count to forty, mister.’”

CHE – “President Trump and several members of his family sued Deutsche Bank and Capital One to prevent them from answering a Congressional subpoena for information about Trump’s finances. Alright, fine, but what kind of billionaire banks with Capital One? Could you imagine Donald Trump balling out at a Bentley car dealership like, ‘Yeah just put it on my Rewards card. Oh you can’t? Because it’s over $2,000? Well okay, that sounds about right.’”

CHE – “New York City Mayor Bill de Blasio is expected to announce next week that he will be running for president. But since it’s de Blasio, he won’t be running nights or weekends.”

CHE – “Scientists are saying that in order to meet the world’s demand for meat, they are exploring the possibility of eating maggots, locusts, and other bugs. Or, and hear me out, salad.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “In an upcoming book, singer Moby claims that at a party he once ‘knob-touched’ Donald Trump, which is when you take out your penis and you brush it up against another person. Moby’s book is titled, ‘Stories No One Wants.’”

JOST – “‘The Battle of Winterfell’ episode of ‘Game of Thrones’ has become the most watched program in HBO’s history with more than 17 million viewers. All using the same 10 HBO GO passwords.”

CHE – “Pope Francis met with more than 200 Italian Catholic hair stylists and warned them about the temptation of gossip in beauty salons. Especially when that gossip is, ‘Did you hear what happened to those altar boys?’”

JOST – “Police in Pennsylvania are searching for a man who stole more than $200 worth of soap and crab meat. Which, coincidentally, are the exact ingredients in Peeps.”

JOST – “Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg posted that he has created a ‘sleep box,’ which helps his wife with insomnia by staying dark through the night and then lighting up when it’s time for her to wake up. That story again – Mark Zuckerberg makes his wife sleep in a coffin.”

CHE – “An Arizona woman suffered more than 200 bee stings after a heavy wind blew a beehive onto her head. But tragically no one filmed it.”

JOST – “For the entire month of May, Applebee’s is serving a margarita for $1 called the ‘Dollarita.’ After which you’re guaranteed to come down with a case of Dollarhea.”

CHE – “Scientists have discovered a new species of jellyfish with a ‘transient anus’ that appears only when it needs to expel waste. And on its husband’s birthday.”
For more information on “Saturday Night Live,” visit http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/


“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “This Monday is Tax Day, so if you haven’t paid any taxes yet, you’re Amazon.”

JOST – “Disney announced that in November it will launch its new streaming service called Disney+. As in, you now have to get Disney + Hulu + Netflix + Amazon + a Playstation + cable. Even though in the end, you’ll say, ‘There’s nothing good on, let’s just watch “Law & Order.”’”

JOST – “A new study lists the best city in the U.S. to raise a family is Moscow, Idaho. While the worst is once again, Handsy Uncle, Maryland.”

JOST – “Paramount had begun developing a new movie called, ‘Summer Nights,’ which will be a prequel to the classic movie ‘Grease.’ A prequel that will finally explain why everyone in that high school was in their late thirties.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “In a recent study, scientists created 3D scans of dolphin vaginas and found that a dolphin’s clitoris is remarkably similar to a human woman’s. Said the night janitor and Sea World, ‘Well, I coulda told you that.’”


“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “It was reported that if President Trump closes the border with Mexico, the U.S. would run out of avocados in three weeks. Man, this guy must really hate white women. Why else would he be waging a war on brunch? I can’t wait ‘til there’s a ‘Million Megan March’ because he made it illegal to put orange juice in prosecco.”

CHE – “Lori Loughlin appeared in court to face charges that she bribed college officials. It’s amazing that people are so shocked by this story. Rich people have been finding loopholes to get their kids into college forever. For example, lacrosse.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “Actor Jim Carrey got into a Twitter feud this week with the granddaughter of Benito Mussolini. Because that’s just the kind of thing that happens now, and we all have to accept it. News at this point is just a string of unrelated words like: ‘Elon Musk Releases Harambe Rap,’ or this actual headline I read today, ‘Disabled Chicken Who Survived Weasel Attack Learning to Walk Thanks to Custom Wheelchair.’ Guys, just eat the chicken.”

CHE – “Oreo has introduced a new line of cookies inspired by ‘Game of Thrones.’ I assume with the slogan, ‘Diabetes is Coming.’”

CHE – “A gay couple in Wisconsin says their landlord has threatened to evict them if they don't take down their gay pride flag. And it is truly shocking to me that in 2019 there are still gay people who haven't left Wisconsin.

JOST – “A new study finds that marijuana resin sold on the streets of Madrid contains a dangerous amount of fecal matter. Begging the question: what’s a good amount?”

JOST – “A group of people in England are organizing a Star Wars-themed orgy. Which is just an orgy where you find out the guy in the mask is actually your father.”

CHE – “Charmin has introduced a new toilet paper called the Forever Roll, which can last someone up to one month. ‘We’ll see about that,’ said Chipotle.”

JOST – “A woman who lost her son’s Grover doll while climbing a mountain had it returned after another climber found it. But only after Grover freed himself from a boulder by cutting off his own arm.”


“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “This week, Apple introduced a new credit card and also a new streaming service. And also, what is Apple trying to do? They already listen to everything we say, and now they want to control out money and everything we watch? Who’s the CEO of Apple? Ike Turner?”

CHE – “Singer Alanis Morissette announced on Instagram Monday that she is pregnant. I guess she forgot to take her jagged little pill.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “A 20 year-old woman in Bangladesh with two uteruses gave birth to twins 26 days after giving birth to her first child. This according to her vagina's suicide note.”

CHE – “Police in Florida say that they owner of a pet zebra shot and killed the animal after it escaped from its enclosure. Finally answering the question, ‘What’s black and white and red all over?’”

CHE – “This week marks the tenth anniversary of the same-sex dating app Grindr. Which has all but replaced the old way of finding discreet gay hookups: church camp.”

JOST – “McDonald’s has announced plans for new digital menus at their drive-thrus that will offer customers suggestions based on what they ordered. For instance, if you order a salad, it will suggest you stop kidding yourself.”

CHE – “A man in Europe went to the hospital for a routine procedure and was mistakenly given a circumcision instead. And he’s lucky ‘cause Europeans usually don’t leave a tip.”
CHE – “A woman in Utah survived after her SUV got stuck in the snow and mud for a week. The woman says she couldn’t have made it without her children. Her delicious, delicious children.”
For more information on “Saturday Night Live,” visit http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/ 


“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “Ok, here’s how bad Trump’s presidency is going. His campaign manager this week was sentenced to four years in prison. And for Trump, that’s good news. Paul Manafort, who looks like he was born divorced, faced up to twenty-four years in prison, but only got four years, probably in a minimum security white-collar facility with a bunch of his friends. The guy stole over $50 million, and he basically got sentenced to college. The judge who sentenced Manafort said that he gave him a lenient sentence because Manafort has lived ‘an otherwise blameless life.’ Which is also the name of my favorite Third Eye Blind album.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “Paul Manafort got 47 months for tax evasion and bank fraud, which as a black guy, feels very unfair. But as a rich black guy, it’s a little encouraging. If I could steal millions of dollars and the United States presidency in exchange for like three years of prison in my 70s? I can’t promise I won’t try. Chances are I’m going to jail in my 70s anyway for saying something that’s fine now but will be punishable by death in 40 years. Like calling my kids the N-word, or calling my wife the N-word, or calling some white lady the N-word.”

JOST – “It was reported that President Trump watched the Super Bowl at Mar-a-Lago with Li Yang, the woman who founded the chain of Asian day spas where Patriots owner Robert Kraft allegedly solicited a prostitute. First of all, what a time to be alive, huh?! Second, you know trump spent all their time together trying to convince her to give up North Korea’s nuclear weapons.”

CHE – “President Trump visited tornado victims in Alabama and signed bibles for them. I don’t know, man. I’m not a very religious guy, but I feel like when you’re getting your bible signed by a dude that raw dogs porn stars, you’re probably not a very religious guy either.”
CHE – “Last week, HBO aired ‘Leaving Neverland,’ a documentary detailing multiple child molestation charges against Michael Jackson. And they say this doc has done more damage to Michael Jackson than his last doc, Dr. Conrad Murray.”

CHE – “Virgin Atlantic Airlines announced that it will no longer require female flight attendants to wear makeup and skirts. Just as long as their husbands sign this consent form.”

JOST – “A new survey lists the best city to live in the country as Boise, Idaho. While the worst city was once again Rat Orgy, Delaware.”

JOST – “Sanitation officials cleaning out sewage lines are reporting finding ‘swamp monsters,’ which are items never intended to be flushed such as live snakes, underwear, fingers and false teeth. Which are strangely the exact ingredients that make up Rudy Giuliani.”
For more information on “Saturday Night Live,” visit http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/ 


“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “[Michael] Cohen, who looks like he shaves in his car, accused the sitting president of fraud, tax evasion, racism, and Republicans fired back like, ‘Yup, that’s our guys!’ The testimony had so many fun weird details that no one even followed up about. Like how Cohen said that Trump inflated his net worth by $4 billion in an effort to buy the Buffalo Bills. You lied to buy the Bills? That’s like using a fake ID to get into a Nickelback concert. Cohen also provided Congress with copies of letters threatening Trump’s high school and colleges not to release his SAT scores. And while Cohen didn’t reveal what those scores were, let’s just say Trump lives a little closer to 920 Pennsylvania Avenue that to 1600.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “Michael Cohen told Congress about all the dirty little nasty freaky things that Donald Trump made him do. I don’t know why I just made that sexual. But I’m tired of Michael Cohen’s whole damsel in distress routine. ‘Oh, Mr. Trump took advantage of me. I guess I’m a fool.’ Ugh. You stole the United States presidency. Why you acting like a bitch now? Your voice wasn’t trembling when you was threatening school teachers and shaking down porn stars. I want to hear that guy talk to Congress. At least Donald Trump has the decency to slowly fall apart until he’s dragged off in handcuffs like a boss. I mean, that’s how I want to leave SNL.”

JOST – “While Cohen was testifying, President Trump met with North Korean dictator, and let’s face it, one of his top five closest friends, Kim Jong Un. Talks broke down when the two leaders could not agree on sanctions. Another problem was: Kim Jong Un used an interpreter, while Trump just spoke English, but louder.”

CHE – “R. Kelly has faced a string of financial problems, including unpaid child support. Although for R. Kelly, ‘unpaid child support’ is also alimony.”

JOST – “Bryce Harper has signed a 13-year $330 million contract with the Philadelphia Phillies. Finally answering the question, ‘How much would someone have to pay you to live in Philadelphia?’”

JOST – “In an effort to compete with Victoria’s Secret, Target has launched a new bra and underwear brand for women. It’s lingerie that’ll have you man saying, ‘Not tonight.’”

CHE – “A man who was sentenced to life for murder at age 17 has been released from prison at the age of 74. The man says he can’t wait to see his friends and family, but what he misses the most is murdering.”

For more information on “Saturday Night Live,” visit http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/ 


“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but Trump’s messaging on the wall keeps changing. First it was ‘Build the Wall,’ then he changed it to ‘Finish the Wall,’ and then when he doesn’t finish the wall, it’ll be ‘Actually, the wall was inside of us the whole time!’”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “This wall is clearly racist. It’s just a way for middle America to blame brown people for their new heroin habit. Why they didn’t build a wall for us in the ‘80s when we needed it? But the problem isn’t that drugs are coming in. The problem is, people really wanna get high. Address that part. If your wife is cheating on you, she’s not gonna just stop because you built a wall around the house. You gotta get to the root of the problem. Otherwise you’re just gonna come home and find strange men running up in them slats.”

CHE – “Childish Gambino’s ‘This is America’ made history when it became the first rap song to win ‘Song of the Year’ at the Grammys. If you’re wondering why it took so long for a rapper to win this award, it’s because this is America.”

JOST – “New York City lawmakers have proposed a new bill that would change the sound of emergency vehicle sirens to resemble those used in Europe. That way you can spend your ambulance ride pretending you have universal healthcare.” 

JOST – “On Thursday, Amazon announced it was canceling plans to open a second headquarters in Queens, which means losing 25,000 new jobs. Even if you hate Amazon and all it stands for, 25,000 is a lot of jobs. That’s like all the jobs in Greece. And by the way, there are a lot worse companies in New York than Amazon. For example, the Trump Organization.”

CHE – “Carson Daly announced that he would be ending his show ‘Last Call with Carson Daly’ after discovering that he was still on TV.”

JOST – “A man was arrested afer he locked his mother and brother in a house, then set fire to it, after getting in an argument with them over a box of Cheez-Its. Which I blame on their new slogan: ‘Cheez-Its: So Good You’ll Murder Your Family.’”

CHE – “A regional airport in South Caroline was shut down for several hours after a woman was found wandering the grounds almost completely naked. Well, except for her landing strip.”

For more information on “Saturday Night Live,” visit http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/ 


“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE - “Making jokes about the news can get a little redundant. But every so often, you see a picture of a governor in blackface, and you’re like, ‘This will be fun.’ First, the Governor of Virginia admitted to wearing blackface in college for a Michael Jackson costume - by the way, making it the least accurate Michael Jackson costume of all time. Sounds crazy enough, but then the Attorney General was like, ‘You too? Blackface is my jam!’ And then, Liam Neeson was like, ‘Blackface? Hold my beer. I didn’t wanna bring this up ever, but for a week I was trying to kill a black dude with a baseball bat. Anywho, so my movie comes out Friday…’”

CHE - “This has been a tough week. Not to mention, we also found out 21 Savage was deported for being British. Which is kinda like finding out Adele is from Atlanta. But 21 actually had to leave the U.K. as a kid, probably because crazy ass Liam Neeson was looking for black dudes with a baseball bat.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST - “Democrats are calling for [Virginia Governor Ralph] Northam to resign, but the second in line is embroiled in two sexual assault scandals and the third in line also did blackface. So maybe Virginia should take a cue from the Oscars and just go without a Governor this year. Or come full circle and make it Governor Kevin Hart.”

CHE - “During the State of the Union address, President Trump urged political unity, which is kinda like Captain Morgan urging sobriety. He also claimed that if he hadn’t been elected, the U.S. would have gone to war with North Korea. Well, first of all: you don’t know that. And second: alright, we’ll take that. Just anything but you!”

JOST - “President Trump began his speech with his tie crooked in his jacket. While Mike Pence’s tie was so straight, it makes me suspicious.”

CHE - “Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi refused to commit to bringing up Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez’s ambitious ‘Green New Deal’ proposal for a vote, saying that she welcomes ‘the enthusiasm.’ Which is old white lady speak for, ‘Girl, bye.’”

JOST - “A zoo in Texas has launched a Valentine’s Day promotion that lets people get revenge on their exes by naming a cockroach after them, then feeding the cockroach to a meerkat. So that’ll show ‘em...that they were right to break up with you.”

JOST - “Delta has introduced a new plane that features windows in the bathrooms. Unfortunately, they face into the cabin.”

CHE - “A Colorado man, who was attacked by a mountain lion, survived after he fought off and killed the animal. Meanwhile, today I took an Uber three blocks so I wouldn’t have to crease my new sneakers.”

CHE - “A massive brawl broke out at a Canadian nursing home after a 79-year-old woman took an 86-year-old’s seat at their Bingo game. It’s the first brawl that began with everyone in critical condition.”

JOST - “It was reported that Drake, Kendrick Lamar and Childish Gambino have all turned down offers to perform at the Grammys over complaints that the Recording Academy has not done enough to diversify its membership. In fact, the Academy’s blackest member is Virginia Governor Ralph Northam.”

JOST - “A mother in Indiana was arrested after students at an elementary school were exposed to marijuana-laced gummies that she had brought to the school. Teachers became suspicious when at recess the kids tried to sync up “Dark Side of the Moon” with “Paw Patrol.”

CHE - “A stripper at a club in Florida was arrested after she got into a fight with another dance, then ripped an entire electrical meter off the wall. Proving once again, my old theory: cocaine makes you strong.”

For more information on “Saturday Night Live,” visit http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/ 


“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “President Trump on Friday announced a deal to temporarily reopen the government for three weeks while negotiations continue over border security. Three weeks. We’re basically treating our government like it’s a trial period for a Hulu subscription. It’s pretty clear that Trump hasn’t figured out how to deal with Nancy Pelosi yet. Usually when a woman is giving him this much trouble, he just gives her 130 grand to shut up.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “On Friday, President Trump temporarily reopened the government, and I know liberals are tweeting out, ‘Trump caved! Trump caved!’ But y’all gotta calm down. Stop gloating. You didn’t win yet. The man is still one tweet away from calling a national state of emergency and bringing back slavery. Act like he’s still crazy. You gotta treat him like you’re training a dog. Constant positive reinforcement. Maybe it’s that every time he does something you like, tweet out, ‘Who’s a good boy?’”

JOST – “One of the factors that led to Trump making a deal was the ground delays that were building up at LaGuardia Airport. You know you’re failing as a president when you’ve somehow made LaGuardia worse. The ground delays occurred because the shutdown was causing what airline industry unions called, ‘A level of risk we cannot even calculate.,’ which also happened to be the slogan for Spirit Airlines.”

CHE – “Roger Stone was arrested at 6 A.M. Friday morning by a team of officers with heavy weapons. Finally, this is all I’ve been waiting for. Old white dudes getting dragged out their crib like dope dealers. Was it excessive? Yes! And I wish it was worse. I wish he was just wearing boxers and a doo rag, and there was a baby crying and they tazed his girl. Give him the works!”

CHE – “The White House said that the charges against Roger Stone have nothing to do with President Trump. I mean, of course the White House said that because the White House is the president. If I get accused of something, I can’t be like, ‘Man, I’m innocent. Just ask my apartment.’ It is kinda strange that everybody Trump works with has been indicted or locked up except him, which tells me he’s either a rat, or a jinx. And by the way, I Googled this guy Roger Stone, because he looks like he pays black guys to bang his wife. And I found out in 1996, he was forced to resign from Bob Dole’s campaign for asking black guys to bang his wife. I’m not kidding. Look it up, it’s fantastic. As a black man, I don’t know whether to feel offended, or a little appreciated.”

JOST – “The Vatican has released a new app called ‘Click to Pray’ that will allow Catholics around the world to pray with Pope Francis, replacing the current app for Catholic prayers, ‘Grindr.’”

CHE – “Two students at the University of Oklahoma have withdrawn from the school after a video was posted online featuring them wearing black face and using a racial slur. But what these kids need more than anything is more school, right? If you hurt somebody in jail, they don’t send you home. They give you more jail. Same idea. Every time these kids do something racist, they should have to spend another year, in an even blacker school. Now they might now like black people more, but they will be respectful.”

CHE – “A business in Iceland has opened what they call the world’s first beer spa, which includes hot tubs filled with beer. The owners came up with the idea when they thought, ‘There’s gotta be a faster way to get a yeast infection.’”

For more information on “Saturday Night Live,” visit http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/ 


“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “Well guys, we were off for a month. But conveniently, so was the government. President Trump, the man who said he would own the shutdown, clearly does not care about the people who are working unpaid who can’t afford basic things like food. Buy why would he care? He’s a billionaire who controls all the hamburgers in the world. Then after Scrooge McDonald’s was done hosting his burger orgy…”

JOST – “He went on television today and made a new proposal to end the shutdown. And that proposal was basically: “You give me 5.7 billion dollars, and I’ll give you back the Dreamers.” Am I the only one that thinks that sounds like a hostage negotiation? I can’t wait to see his written proposal. These protections he’s offering aren’t even real laws. They’re just vague promises. And I trust a promise from Donald Trump about as much as I trust R. Kelly in a Claire’s Boutique.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “That speech sucked. First of all, he didn’t even say ‘hi.’ He just started talking like he was already talking. I found that to be rude.”

JOST – “The other big news this week was the Buzzfeed published a story that said Robert Mueller has evidence of Trump committing an impeachable crime. But the details were so sketchy that even Mueller’s team had to be like, ‘Fake News.’ How disappointing was that? You know how many suburban moms had to retract their group text to the family reading: ‘WE GOT HIM!!!’ The crazy part is that the White house is now celebrating that Mueller disputed only this one aspect of the investigation. While there are alike a hundred other crimes still on the table. I mean if you got tested for every STD, and your doctor said, ‘Well, the good news is you don’t have chlamydia,’ you wouldn’t be like, ‘That’s all I need to hear, doc. No condoms for this guy!’”

CHE – “Look, Buzzfeed. I think it’s great – we all think it’s great that you want to help. But this isn’t really what we need from you. Y’all are Buzzfeed. You do memes and lists. Everybody’s got that aunt who has roaches, and every Thanksgiving she’s like, ‘Hey y’all, what should I bring?’ and you’re like, ‘Uh, ice.’ You bring the ice because we don’t want to be picking ‘raisins’ out of the turkey. That’s you, Buzzfeed. You bring the ice! You know, as Dr. King once said, ‘Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Please stick to the rivers and the lakes that you are used to.’ There’s no shame in that. Look, we all play a role. Sometimes kids come up to me, and they’ll say, ‘Michael Che! I get all my news from you!’ and I’ll say, ‘Don’t do that. I bring the ice.’”

JOST – “It was announced that Anthony Scaramucci, who served as White House Communications Director for less than two weeks, is joining the cast of ‘Celebrity Big Brother.’ While Sean Spicer is 100 percent the poodle on ‘The Masked Singer.’”

JOST – “It was revealed that Freshman Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez will be giving lessons to fellow Democrats on how to use Twitter more effectively, followed immediately by Chuck Schumer doing Zumba.

CHE – “It was reported that one of Harvey Weinstein’s lead attorneys is withdrawing from the case after he finally Googled ‘Harvey Weinstein.’”

JOST – “Sunday night will bring a ‘Super Blood Wolf Moon,’ which is a rare lunar eclipse and not, as I had assumed, the name of the band that just performed on our show.”
JOST – “A picture of an egg has set a new record on Instagram as the most liked photo in history. Meanwhile over on Twitter, a picture of an egg just called me a ‘jag-ass queef weasel.’”

CHE – “Gillette has released a new ad that addresses the issues of toxic masculinity, which I think is great. I mean, Colin disagrees, but I love when a company takes a firm social stance that literally nobody asked for. Like I remember one time FleshLight tweeted ‘Never Forget’ on 9/11. And I was like, ‘Never forget? Then when am I supposed to use this FleshLight?’”

JOST – “Italian-American groups are accusing the MTV show ‘Made in Staten Island’ of promoting negative stereotypes. These claims were denied by the show’s executive producer, a chicken parm in a wife beater.”

JOST – “Yesterday was ‘Winnie the Pooh Day,’ this according to a man on the subway explaining why he was wearing a red shirt and no pants.”

JOST – “A woman was arrested in Florida after she stole four watches and hid them inside her vagina. Officials became suspicious when the woman took a licking but kept on ticking.”
For more information on “Saturday Night Live,” visit http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/ 


“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “Well, this last week was a pretty bad year for Donald Trump. Just think about what’s currently under investigation for him… Trump’s campaign, his transition, his inauguration, his business and his presidency. So everyone check your cards because you might have impeachment Bingo.”

JOST – “In fact, Trump has reportedly told people close to him that he’s worried he will get impeached. And by ‘people close to him’ I of course mean Sean Hannity and Colonel Sanders. This is a lot of legal trouble for any President. I mean, I’m no lawyer, but neither is Trump’s lawyer. This week Michael Cohen was sentenced to three years in prison, and he claimed he only committed his crimes out of blind loyalty to Donald Trump. But Cohen was clearly a crook before he met Donald Trump. You know how I know? He was hired by Donald Trump. The only questions on a Trump job application are ‘Do you do crimes?’ and ‘Wanna do more?’”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “President Trump responded to Michael Cohen’s sentencing by tweeting ‘I never directed Michael Cohen to break the law. He was a lawyer and he is supposed to know the law.’ Fair. But you know who else is supposed to know the law? The friggin’ President of the United States. I mean the Pope should know the Bible. Santa should know the meaning of Christmas. The President should know the law. Dude, we are paying you money for this. Am I buggin’?”

CHE – “I mean he’s the president. He’s gotta know the law. Doctors know medicine. Arby’s knows meat. If I told you I’m an astronaut, and you asked me about the moon and I say, ‘the moon?’ It’s been confirmed that Trump was in the room with Michael Cohen and the publisher of the ‘National Enquirer’ when they discussed covering up Trump’s alleged affairs. Which ‘alleged affairs’ is a very dignified way to say, ‘raw dogging porn stars.’”

JOST – “President Trump held a contentious budget meeting at the White House this week with Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer. If you missed it, just go to a Denny’s and watch three grandparents fight over the check. After the meeting Schumer said that Trump, ‘lives in a cocoon of his own mistruth.’ Dude, just call him a liar. Democrats keep using this flowery language, and they forget they’re talking to a country where most people share their opinion through pictures of fire or a dookie with eyeballs.” 

CHE – “Former New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has taken himself out of the running to be the permanent White House Chief of Staff. Also taking Chris Christie out of the running – side camps.”

JOST – “A new poll shows that the frontrunner for the 2020 Democratic nomination is Beto O’Rourke, followed by Joe Biden, then Bernie Sanders, then Oprah, then Lena Dunham, then the porno lawyer, then a chai latte in a pantsuit, then a DVD box set of ‘The West Wing,’ and then my personal favorite, Barack Obama in a mustache.”

CHE – “The CDC is warning people to not eat raw cookie dough because it may contain germs that can cause severe diarrhea. But on the bright side, you can eat cookie dough without ever gaining weight.” 

JOST – “It was reported that the Boy Scouts of America are considering filing for bankruptcy in the face of declining membership. Apparently there’s some problem with their business model of hoping parents will pay adult strangers to take their children deep into the woods.” 

JOST – “The location of Sex Island, which is a four day drug-fueled event featuring prostitutes at an exclusive resort, has been revealed to be an island off the coast of Trinidad and Tobago. This according to the plane ticket I saw in Che’s hand.”

JOST – “Firefighters in Texas saved more than 100 snakes, including pythons and boa constrictors, from a burning home. Said the homeowner, ‘Cool, where’s my wife?’”

JOST – “It was announced that the Broadway musical Avenue Q, about raunchy puppets, will close in the spring after 15 years. But if you still want to see raunchy puppets, just head to Times Square and watch Elmo kick a pigeon.” 

For more information on “Saturday Night Live,” visit http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/ 


“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “Earlier today, Trump called the Mueller report ‘collusion illusion,’ which is also my favorite Guns N’ Roses album. And yesterday Trump tweeted – with no context or explanation – ‘Totally clears the President. Thank you!’ Well, sounds like someone’s been reading, ‘The Secret.’ By the way I don’t blame Trump for thinking his tweets have magical power. I mean, just this week his tweets about China were able to tank the entire stock market. But at some point, if every single person you hired gets indicted, the odds are you had something to do with it. I mean, if all of Santa’s elves and all of Santa’s reindeer got busted by the Feds, you would not expect Santa to tweet ‘Totally clear for Christmas! Thank you!’”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “Trump is now calling for an end to the Mueller probe, which I gotta admit is worth a shot. I mean, you don’t wanna go to jail and then find out you could’ve just called it off the whole time. I think the scariest thing about watching Trump be President is that he tries all the things that I would try.”

CHE – “President Trump also tweeted that he will be doing a major ‘Counter Report to the Mueller Report.’ Well, you better hurry up, bud, ‘cause you only get an hour a day on that prison computer. Also, nothing says you’re guilty more than making a counter report before the Mueller report is even out. That means he knows it’s gonna be bad. It’s like when you’re watching ‘Cops,’ and as soon as they pull up to the house, there’s already a shirtless guy on the lawn saying, ‘Okay, first of all, she’s lying!’”

JOST – “President Trump announced today that John Kelly, his chief of staff, is leaving the position at the end of the year – because Kelly requires extensive surgery to remove his palm from his face. That’s how awful it is to work in the Trump White House, by the way. John Kelly spent 40 years in the Marines, he did three tours in Iraq, and he couldn’t finish one tour with Donald Trump.”

JOST – “Trump also announced that his attorney general nominee will be William Barr, who served as Attorney General from 1991 to 1993. A reboot of someone with the last name Barr who was big in the early 90s? What could go wrong? Barr will replace acting Attorney General Matthew Whitaker, who previously served as the body-suit for Krang.”

JOST – “SpaceX launched a rocket into orbit carrying the cremated remains of 100 people. Unfortunately, they weren’t cremated when it launched.”

CHE – “Two new studies about accelerated greenhouse emissions find that the earth will be impacted by global warming sooner than we thought. And God bless all these scientists and researchers still studying this thing that we just refuse to listen to. We’re like a stubborn old man at the doctor’s office, and they’re pleading with us – ‘Sir, you gotta quit smoking.’ ‘Kiss my ass, I like cigars.’”

JOST – “An a cappella group at Princeton University has stopped performing the song ‘Kiss the Girl’ from The Little Mermaid after the student newspaper said the lyrics promote ‘toxic masculinity.’ Also, it just sucks to hear a bunch of white guys sing like a Jamaican crab.”
JOST – “A new version of bull fighting has started in China, in which participants use their hands instead of swords. That’s how many extra people they have.”

CHE – “A British version of ‘RuPaul’s Drag Race’ will begin airing next year on the BBC. And because it’s England, their penises will be tucked to the right side.”

CHE – “A man in Florida who was arrested for selling marijuana claimed that he was only doing it to buy better Christmas gifts for his children. Replied his children, ‘Just give us the weed, Dad.’”

JOST – “A Utah man was arrested after he got into an argument and hammered an ice pick through the other man’s penis. But it’s like they say, never bring a penis to an ice pick fight.”
For more information on “Saturday Night Live,” visit http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/


“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “This week Americans were hit with the stunning revelation that their president may have possibly lied to them. Trump’s former lawyer, Michael Cohen, who I believe is the love child of Cellino and Barnes, testified in court that Donald Trump continued to work on a deal to build a Trump Tower in Moscow, well into his presidential campaign. Trump defended himself saying the deal was quote, ‘Very legal and very cool.’ Which sounds like a Craigslist ad for Russian prostitutes. ‘Number one all-time babes! Is very legal and very cool man! And we never kill you, only sometimes.’”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “President Trump attacked Michael Cohen for pleading guilty to lying to Congress, calling him a ‘weak person.’ Oh really? What gave that away, his chin? Doesn’t Donald Trump realize that everybody he hires ends up leaving him, or getting fired or locked up? Aww, honey it’s you. He picks counsel like my cousin Tasha picks baby fathers.”

JOST – “At this weekend’s G20 Summit, President Vladimir Putin greeted Saudi Crown Prince Mohammad bin Salman with a very enthusiastic high-five. Super cool, no one’s killed anyone. They look like the video of those NASA scientists when they found out their probe landed on Mars.”

JOST – “Protesters at the G20 Summit flew a giant baby Trump balloon, which in the past Trump has said makes him feel unwelcome. Well yeah, I mean, the diaper balloon was never meant as a tribute. Also saying ‘that balloon is being mean to me’ is a pretty clear sign of dementia. Worse, Trump also thought that the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade was calling him a huge orange pussy.” 

CHE – “This week, it was reported that Julian Assange, who dyes his face to match his hair, met with Paul Manafort in 2016. Manafort denies the meeting ever took place. But I don’t know if I’d trust a guy who looks like he bleeds cologne. Manafort looks like the kind of guy that tells his daughter’s friend, ‘You’ve really filled out nicely.’”

JOST – “First Lady Melania Trump was mocked on social media for her White House Christmas display, which this year features 40 red trees. And sure, those trees look like jagged teeth in the blazing hot mouth of Satan himself, but come on she needs this. Her only other thing is a campaign against bullying that has been used exclusively to bully her. And it’s not like most Christmas decorations are super tasteful anyway. Have you seen what people put on their lawns? Maybe you think the White House should be full of giant inflatable minions or how about this lovely Santa in an outhouse? That’s real, and it costs 150 damn dollars. Also, do you think the Christmas display would be better if Hillary had won? Bill would be doing the decorating, so the hallway would be 100% leg lamps.”

CHE – “American border agents fired tear gas and pepper spray on hundreds of migrants who tried to enter the country illegally through Tijuana, giving migrants a fun preview of what it’s like to be a minority in America. Trump defended the border agents saying they used “safe” tear gas. Wait, there’s been safe tear gas this whole time? Black people are gonna be mad when they find out about this.”

CHE – “An Australian rancher says that a six-foot-tall steer, weighing over one ton, is too big to go to the slaughterhouse. ‘Yeah me too,’ said three cows in a trench coat.”

JOST – “Philadelphia Flyers mascot Gritty helped light the Christmas Tree outside Philadelphia’s City Hall this week. He was a last minute replacement for Santa Claus who was busy trying to escape from Gritty’s trunk.”

JOST – “Starbucks announced that starting in 2019 it will block pornography websites over its Wi-Fi. It’s a move they’re calling ‘Che’s Law.’”

CHE – “Brazilian officials announced that deforestation in the country has reached its highest level in a decade. Worse, they’re only doing it because their boyfriend likes it that way.”

JOST – “Researchers are developing a method to transmit smells through texts. So yes, there is a way dick pics can get worse.”

JOST – “Dunkin’ Donuts is saying that its customer rewards program may have been hacked. Because America runs on Dunkin’, but Dunkin’ runs on Windows 98.”
For more information on “Saturday Night Live,” visit http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/


“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “Amazon has announced that it will be opening its second headquarters in Queens, New York, and Arlington, Virginia, after it accidentally left both cities in its cart. A lot of New Yorkers are worried about the impact Amazon will have on Queens. But I’m more worried about the impact Queens will have on Amazon.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “By the way, only New Yorkers could complain about getting 25,000 new jobs. All the cities who lost out must be like, ‘Shut up, you whiny bitches.’ New York basically won the lottery and were like, ‘Ahh, but the subways might be slightly more crowded.’ Meanwhile, people in West Virginia are like, ‘Well, back to the mine.’ And yeah, I know it’s gonna raise housing prices, but it’s a little late for New Yorkers to complain about rent. I mean, even Amazon had to move to Queens because it couldn’t afford to live in Manhattan.” 

CHE – “Election officials in Florida said their ballot machines overheated, causing mismatched results in the recount. Word? They overheated, in 2018? With all this technology? I have a watch that can count every step I take and let’s me watch porno on the treadmill for motivation. But your voting machines can’t even handle a little recount? How come the IRS never has these problems? I would love to hear, ‘We didn’t count your taxes this year because our abacus is busted again.’ They always make it so simple to pay taxes. Meanwhile, to vote we gotta physically line up on a Tuesday in November like we’re getting meat rations in the ’30s.”

JOST – “A county in Florida became the first local government in the state’s history to elect an all-LGBTQ government. For more on this, bring it up to your grandpa at Thanksgiving.”
JOST – “On Friday, President Trump held the Presidential Medal of Freedom ceremony and gave one to Yankee legend Babe Ruth. Because he knew that no current athlete would actually show up.”

CHE – “President Trump announced that Republicans and Democrats have agreed on a criminal justice reform bill. By the way, nothing makes me more nervous than seeing Donald Trump making an announcement with like five black dudes standing behind him. My first thought is always, ‘Oh, Lord, how much did they sell us for?’ Anyway, this prison reform is a good thing. And probably a trap. At best, it’s a good thing, but coming from a bad place. Like when you buy baby clothes from a crackhead. I mean, it might be a great deal, but at the same time, you’re like, ‘So this dude stole clothes from a baby?’”

JOST – “Post has announced they will be making a new Sour Patch Kids-flavored cereal. It’s a great way to start the morning off on the right foot, because the left foot was taken by diabetes.”

CHE – “Aviation officials report that two Irish pilots claim they saw an identified flying object. But keep in mind, “Irish Pilot” is also the highest reading on a breathalyzer.”

CHE – “A luxury candy company in Chicago will soon start selling ruby chocolate. And they’re also gonna get sued because ‘Ruby Chocolate’ is my drag name.”

JOST – “Walt Disney World removed a man from the park after he waved a ‘Trump 2020’ banner on Splash Mountain. The man also demanded to separate the It’s A Small World kids from their families. Ironically, the man had snuck into the park through EPCOT’s Mexico Pavilion.”

CHE – “The annual New York City taxi calendar has been released, featuring pictures of topless cab drivers. While a calendar of Uber drivers is available on the sex offender registry.” 

JOST – “A lesbian couple made medical history by each taking turns carrying their baby’s embryo in their wombs. ‘It was a totally equal effort,’ said the one who didn’t have to give birth.”

JOST – “British police arrested a woman who hid more than $300,000 worth of cocaine inside her daughter’s candy. Authorities became suspicious when they noticed the daughter is still trick-or-treating.”

For more information on “Saturday Night Live,” visit http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/


“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “Well the midterm elections were on Tuesday, and like a scorned wife after a bitter divorce, the Democrats took back the house.”
JOST – “So now the Democrats control the House, and the Republicans control the Senate. But none of that matters since Donald Trump still controls the White House, the judiciary, the military, all media coverage, space, time, and our ability to perceive reality.” 

JOST – “On the bright side, there were many historic firsts in the midterms. Colorado’s Jared Polis became the first openly gay man elected governor in United States history. Which is fantastic, but it’s also weird to me that the media uses the term ‘openly gay.’ That implies there are a bunch of other governors they’re pretty sure about, but for now they’re still gonna call them, ‘confirmed bachelors.’”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “Senator Ted Cruz was able to retain his Senate seat by beating popular challenger Beto O’Rourke, despite Beto running a campaign of garlic and crosses. I do think O’Rourke is gonna run for president though. Because he’s got everything liberals love: great speeches, great looks, and he loses elections.”

CHE – “I will say my favorite story in this midterm is Stacey Abrams, who’s in a runoff for governor with Republican Brian Kemp. This is a black woman running against a white man in Georgia, who’s also in charge of the election. That’s amazing. That’d be like beating LeBron at home if he was also the ref.”

JOST – “One state that really surprised me was Florida. In their ballot initiatives, they let felons vote, banned greyhound-racing, and banned indoor vaping. So basically, they banned Florida. That’s the thing about Florida, though. It’s unpredictable. On any given day, you might have a lovely trip to Disney World or you might get stabbed for your curly fries in a Checkers parking lot. It’s all part of Florida’s motto, ‘Live fun or die.’”

CHE – “Political experts say that Democrats were able to retake the House thanks to the support of white women. Well, they said ‘suburban’ women. But we all know that suburban means white, right? If they said, ethnic women, nobody’s like ‘you mean the Irish?’ Also white women don’t try to appropriate blindly voting for the Democrats. That’s our thing! It will be kind of fun to see white women get their votes suppressed like us. Imagine 200 Megans crying outside a polling station because they ‘literally cannot.’”

CHE – “Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg was hospitalized after she fractured three ribs. Surprisingly, while defending her UFC featherweight belt.”

JOST – “Philadelphia Flyers mascot Gritty received almost 70,000 write-in votes for governor of Pennsylvania. Even though Gritty is already serving a lifetime term as king of my nightmares.”

CHE – “People magazine has named Idris Elba ‘2018’s Sexiest Man Alive.’ Idris Elba is also what your wife calls that thing she hides in her dresser.”

CHE – “The Spice Girls have announced an upcoming summer reunion tour. Sponsored by Old Spice.”

JOST – “A man proposed to his longtime girlfriend while she is in the middle of the New York City Marathon. Because what woman can resist a man who doesn’t wait for her to finish?”

JOST – “Police were called to a Florida Walmart after employees found an alligator in the break room. When he should have been greeting people at the door.”

CHE – A woman in Arizona celebrated her 106th birthday at a Taco Bell. Which is legally called, ‘assisted suicide.’”

For more information on “Saturday Night Live,” visit http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/


“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “Scientists basically published an obituary for the Earth, and people were like, ‘Yeah but like what does Taylor Swift think about it?’ We don’t really worry about climate change because it’s too overwhelming, and we’re already in too deep. It’s like if you owe your bookie a thousand collars, you’re like, ‘I gotta pay this dude back.’ But if you owe your bookie a million dollars, you’re like ‘I guess I’m just gonna die.’”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “This story has been stressing me out all week. I just keep asking myself, ‘Why don’t I care about this?’ Don’t get me wrong, I 100% believe in climate change. Yet, I’m willing to do absolutely nothing about it. I mean we’re all gonna lose the planet, we should be sad, right? This whole episode should be like a telethon or something, but it’s not. I think it’s because they keep telling us, we’re gonna lose everything. And nobody cares about everything. People only care about some things.”

CHE – “If Fox News reported that, ‘In 2030, climate change is gonna take away all the flags and Confederate statues,’ there’d be recycling bins outside of every Cracker Barrel and Dick’s Sporting Goods. Black people already recycle. Every container in my apartment used to be something else. But you know how much more black people would care about the planet if you told us we were gonna lose Atlanta in ten years? Black dudes would put windmills on their rims. You want white women to care about the environment? Tell them that if they don’t do something about climate change, we’re gonna lose all the yarn! White women love yarn. No more hats. No more scarves. No more of those ridiculous socks you knit for your dog.”

JOST – “In a new interview Melania Trump changed her explanation for wearing the ‘I Really Don’t Care. Do U?’ jacket, saying she did it as a message to the liberal media. Then what was the message behind your African safari look? Was it a warning not to play Jumanji? Just admit that it was tone deaf. At this point I’m surprised she didn’t show up to the Kavanaugh hearing dressed as the St. Pauli Girl.”

JOST – “A new report claims that Taylor Swift’s Instagram post endorsing midterm candidates may have led to over 64,000 young people registering to vote. Which is impressive until you remember that Wendy’s got 6 million people to vote for ‘Which Burger Can Get It?’”

JOST – “Amazon has opened a new store that only sells the company’s highest-rated items called Amazon 4-Star. There is also a store which sells Amazon’s lowest-rated items called RadioShack.”

CHE – “A new exhibit has opened at Monticello, the home of Thomas Jefferson, dedicated to the life of his slave Sally Hemings, who gave birth to six of his children. And you know they’re his kids because they all got that good hair.”

JOST – “A vintage airplane will soon be installed at JFK Airport and turned into a cocktail lounge. While at LaGuardia it’s now boarding at Gate 32.”

CHE – “A man in North Dakota was arrested after he climbed into the holy water fountain during Mass and started masturbating. Okay, but show me where exactly in the bible it says you can’t do that.”

HOST SETH MEYERS – “So Trump met Kanye in the Oval Office. Really? Don’t you have better things to do? Any by the way, when I say that, I’m really not sure which of you I’m talking to. The only place these two should meet is in group. They should be in the basement of a church and a dude with an earring and a leather bracelet should be saying, ‘I’m so glad you both decided to come back.’ I mean really.”

JOST – “And you could tell a lot by how each of them prepared for the meeting. Kanye prepared by learning every fact in the world backwards. While Trump prepared by clearing his desk of any valuables.”

MEYERS – “And really, you know how crazy Thursday at the White House was? Kid Rock was also there and no one cared. It was almost a relief to hear someone as reasonable as Kid Rock was in the White House. Do you know how hard it is to make Kid Rock seem like the adult in the room? His first name is ‘Kid.’”

JOST – “And really, Kanye? Do you really think that Donald Trump is your friend? After the meeting, he called you a ‘very different kind of guy.’ That is not a compliment man. That’s what you call someone when you want to call them a word you can’t say anymore. Like, ‘hey, that Forrest Gump sure is a very different kind of guy.’”

CHE – “I actually get a lot of what Kanye was trying to say. It sounds like somebody told him something really smart, and he just retold it really, really, wrong. Like when I was a kid and the landlord showed up, and my mother would say, ‘Tell him I’m not here!’ And then I’d say, ‘My momma said she’s not here.’ That’s Kanye.”

MEYERS – “You know, for an egomaniac, Kanye talks a lot about Trump. The fact that he wore a Trump hat to meet Trump is so thirsty. I didn’t wear Yeezys when I met Kanye, because I didn’t want to look desperate and no one would sell me Yeezys!”

JOST – “Look, it’s really pretty simple. Kanye wants to be Trump’s famous friend because Obama called Kanye a jackass. And if the President of the United States called you a jackass, you’d go, ‘You know who I like? The next president.’ So in a way, Obama is to blame for all of this, the same way Seth is to blame for making fun of Trump so much that he decided to become president.”

For more information on “Saturday Night Live,” visit http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/


“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “Just hours ago, the Senate confirmed Brett Kavanaugh to the Supreme Court, with a vote of 50 to 48. 50 is the lowest number of votes for a justice in history, but keep in mind it’s also the most yesses Kavanaugh has ever heard.” 

JOST – “Even if you look past Dr. Ford’s testimony, which many people seemed to have no trouble doing, Kavanaugh did a bunch of disqualifying stuff just this past week. He basically lied under oath at a job interview to become a judge. That’s like cheating on your wife during your wedding. After he went full, ‘Do you know who my father is’ at the confirmation hearing, he had to publish an apology letter in the Wall Street Journal, which is something AA calls ‘Step 9.’”

JOST – “In that op-ed, Kavanaugh vowed that he would be a quote ‘open minded’ judge. I actually think he will be open-minded because you’ve got to be pretty open-minded to try a Devil’s Triangle.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “That FBI investigation was quite ridiculous. But my question is for the five out of six Republican women that voted for Kavanaugh. So, are y’all like hostages? This feels like one of those horror movies where the white lady’s in love with the monster but doesn’t know it. And all the black people watching are like, ‘Aww, Megan you about to get ate.’ This is not good for any of us. And I say us, ‘cause if these Republicans don’t care about you, they definitely don’t care about me. If a white lady in tears can’t get justice then there’s no hope for my black ass in Jordans.”
JOST – “I’m also angry at Democrats, like Cory Booker, who came out and called Brett Kavanaugh ‘evil’ when his nomination was first announced. Then when he was accused of actual evil, they had nowhere to go. It’s like seeing O.J. do a Hertz commercial in the 80s and saying, ‘This is the worst thing he’ll ever do.’”

CHE – “I heard the president say on TV that quote ‘It’s a very scary time for young men in American when you can be guilty of something that you may not be guilty of.’ I don’t have a joke for that, I just thought it was hilarious. Old rich white dude telling us it’s a scary time in America? That is pure comedy, and I will be stealing that line.”

JOST – “The New York Times uncovered that throughout his life Donald Trump received a 413 million dollar inheritance from his father. But Trump said what he inherited was actually not that big – it was more toadstool-sized.”

JOST – “The New York Times also published a report accusing the Trump family of cheating the government out of $500 million in taxes. Personally, I think the IRS should just seize all the money the Trump family hid and give it to Puerto Rico. Or better yet, they can make Trump’s biggest nightmare come true and let a bunch of Puerto Ricans come live in his buildings.”

CHE – “A new initiative is on the ballot in Florida this November that would restore voting rights to people with felony convictions. I think this is a very important issue. Especially when you consider the millions of black and brown men that have been unfairly incarcerated and should have the right to vote. Now if you disagree with me, let me remind you, it’s a ‘very scary time for young men in America. You can be guilty of something that you may not be guilty of.’ It’s a good line.”

JOST – “An Arizona fire that caused millions in damage began when a father at a gender reveal party used a high-velocity firearm to shoot a target that exploded. So we don’t know the gender, but we do know who’s getting custody.” 

JOST – “A popular new trend in Los Angeles are Party Goats, which are goats that are brought to parties and jump on people’s backs. Meanwhile in China, a popular new trend is studying math and science.”

CHE – “The makers of Johnnie Walker are introducing a series of whiskeys inspired by ‘Game of Thrones.’ The whiskeys are so strong that you’ll forget she’s your aunt.”

JOST – “An 8 year-old in Pennsylvania has become a barber and now gives free haircuts to kids in the neighborhood. And guess what? They suck!”

JOST – “A zookeeper in Denmark reported that a gay penguin couple abducted a baby penguin while his parents were swimming. This according to an email from my grandma titled ‘FW: FW: FW: WHAT OBAMA DID.’”

CHE – “Starbucks baristas in Seattle are saying that they are being forced to dispose of hypodermic needles left behind in the stores everyday by drug users. Meanwhile over at 7-Eleven, they’re using them as stirrers.”

For more information on “Saturday Night Live,” visit http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/


“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “Judge Brett Kavanaugh and Dr. Christine Blasey Ford appeared Thursday in front of the Senate Judiciary Committee in a classic debate of ‘she said, he yelled.’ Based on his testimony, I guess Kavanaugh thought the hearing was about whether he was cool in high school. I gotta say, you’re not really helping yourself in a drunken assault case when you yell about how much you like drinking and how strong you were at the time.”

JOST – “Pretty much the only ones who kept their composure at the hearing were the woman being questioned and the woman Republicans had to hire to talk to the woman being questioned. Now on the optics level, I get why the Republicans did that, but if you’re not the right person to ask questions at a Senate hearing, maybe you’re not the right person to be a Senator.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “I just wanna remind everybody that all this yelling and crying happened at this dude’s job interview. Typically, when you’re asked about sexual assault and your drinking problems at a job interview, you don’t get the damn job. I don’t know if Mr. Kavanaugh actually has a history of assault, or if actually he has a drinking problem, but I do know that he might. And you shouldn’t be on the Supreme Court if you might. You shouldn’t be on the people’s court if you might. Sometimes might is enough. I don’t wanna pet your dog if he might bite me. I don’t wanna leave you in my house if you might be a crack head. I’m not gonna have sex with you if you might have dated Charlie Sheen.”

JOST – “And then there are his calendars. You know, if you have calendars from 1982, it does not prove you’re innocent. It proves you’re a hoarder. You know when most people throw out their calendars from 1982? 1983. And if you’re drinking a bunch and you keep a calendar, it’s probably to piece together what happened in your life. He kept a calendar the same way the guy in ‘Memento’ got tattoos.”

JOST – “To be fair to Judge Kavanaugh, it’s insane that he has to answer questions about his high school yearbook. If you looked into anybody’s high school yearbook, you’d find something super embarrassing. Like, I regret that my senior quote was a Smash Mouth lyric, and I very much regret that my hairstyle was ‘The Rachel.’ But if they do ask about your yearbook, why would you lie? The Devil’s Triangle is not a drinking game. Speaking of drinking games, if you took a shot for every time Kavanaugh lied about his yearbook, you’d be as drunk as Brett Kavanaugh was in the summer of ‘82.”

CHE – “These hearings have taught me a lot about what happens at white prep schools. And I never thought I’d say this, but I’m sending my kids to a black school where it’s safe. Of course this is a big deal, because a Supreme Court judge is a lifetime job. And sadly that’s more important to Congress than the concerns of half the country. Kavanaugh could be the deciding vote on issues concerning the very people he makes feel unsafe. It’d be like letting a coyote decide on Road Runners rights. Or letting all white cops police an all-black neighborhood. Also, why does it have to be him? You can’t just pick another dude from your illuminati lizard meetings? Are Republicans so pro-life that you don’t even have a Plan B for this?”

JOST – “President Trump on Friday ordered the FBI to conduct a new investigation into Brett Kavanaugh. And Trump is so serious, he said the FBI should probably just drop everything else and only investigate this one thing. After Dr. Ford’s testimony and this new FBI investigation, Kavanaugh basically has two strikes against him. Or as Kavanaugh thinks of it: ‘Dos Equis.’” 

CHE – “A new report from the U.N. shows that last year Colombia saw a record level of cocaine production. The previous record for cocaine production was held by a Bobby Brown sneeze.” 

JOST – “The Philadelphia Flyers are being mocked online for their new team mascot which is a seven-foot tall fuzzy creature named Gritty with a long orange beard, Googly eyes and, I assume, a dime bag of mostly stems. And this is an interesting fact, Gritty was actually the first mascot ever based on the crayon drawings of a five year-old who saw his parent murdered.”

CHE – “Bill Cosby was sentenced to 3 to 10 years in prison. You know what really bothers me about Bill Cosby? He made a show called ‘The Cosby Show’ about a guy named ‘Cliff Huxtable.’ That’s not weird?” 

JOST – “A woman in Chicago was scammed out of more than $11,000 by a Bruce Springsteen impersonator she met online. These scams can be tricky, but one way to tell that someone is not the real Bruce Springsteen is that he asks to borrow $11,000.”

CHE – “I mean ‘Frasier’ is about Frasier. ‘Roseanne’ is about Roseanne. ‘Seinfeld’ is about Seinfeld. What if I told you that ‘Everybody Loves Raymond’ was about a guy named Cliff Huxtable? Am I the only one that’s bothered by this? Alright, fine. Take the rapist’s side.”

CHE – “Dunkin’ Donuts announced that it will change its name to just ‘Dunkin’.’ The other half of its name had to be amputated due to diabetes.”

JOST – “Researchers in Hong Kong are reporting the first ever case of a human contracting rat hepatitis. Worse, now that guy has to call and inform every rat he’s ever slept with.”
For more information on “Saturday Night Live,” visit http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/


“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “Well, Thursday marked the one-year anniversary of the start of Robert Mueller’s investigation, which is the first anniversary Trump actually remembered. Just ask his wife Melanie.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “President Trump posted a sarcastic message on the anniversary of the Mueller probe saying, ‘Congratulations America, we are now into the second year of the greatest Witch Hunt in American History.’ You know what? It is pretty great. Personally, I like how unfair and mean spirited it is. It’s not every day that a black man can root for the Feds, but I am really enjoying this. I feel like I’m watching Rachel Dolezal get kicked out of Starbucks.” 

CHE – “Rudy Giuliani claimed that his legal team has been told ‘off the record’ of an informant in the Trump campaign. Which is hilarious, ‘cause Giuliani is like one of those rappers that sings about all the people he’s shot, and then he finally gets locked up for it, and says, ‘Yo, I think somebody’s snitching!’”

JOST – “It was reported that President Trump talks to Sean Hannity almost every night before bed. Wow, I never thought I’d say this, but ‘Poor Sean Hannity!’ Can you imagine a worse voice to hear right before you go to sleep? It’s just heavy breathing mixed with the crinkling of cheeseburger wrappers. And was that a flush? Also, Sean Hannity’s a journalist. Can you imagine if Obama had been calling Anderson Cooper every night before he went to bed? I mean Anderson can. I just think Hannity loses a lot of integrity as a journalist if he ends his night saying, ‘No, Mr. President, you hang up.’”

CHE – “Trump promised ‘protections’ for Kim Jong Un if he makes a deal during their meeting, but warned that if talks fall apart he would ‘decimate’ them. You know, real Nobel Peace Prize stuff – reminds me of Martin Luther King’s famous speech, ‘Dream or Nightmare.’ Take your pick.” 

JOST – “New footage was released of Bill Gates talking about a meeting with President Trump, in which Trump asked him if HPV and HIV were the same thing. Adding, ‘And which is the one that shows “Property Brothers?”’ And for real, Trump asked this of Bill Gates on two separate occasions. So you know homey got HPV.”

CHE – “Jared Kushner and Ivanka Trump attended the ribbon cutting ceremony of the new U.S. Embassy in Jerusalem. Or as they call a ribbon cutting ceremony in Israel ‘A bris.’” 

CHE – “Earlier today, ‘Suits’ actress Meghan Markle married some unemployed dude who still lives with his grandma.” 

CHE – “A report has found that 86 percent of people arrested in New York for marijuana possession are black or Latino. Well duh! We’re the only ones they search. That’s like saying, the only people that have STDs are the people that take tests for STDs. We’re not the only ones that carry drugs. If cops searched white dudes in cargo shorts as much as they searched black dudes in hoodies, prisons would look like a Dave Matthews concert. People are always talking about needing diversity in Hollywood. You know where we really need diversity? Jail. Forget about ‘Oscars So White,’ how about Prison’s too black.”

JOST – “A new report has selected the fittest city in the country to be Arlington, Virginia, while the least fit city in the country was once again Man Boobs, Louisiana.”

JOST – “American Airlines has revised its guidelines to ban passengers from bringing goats and hedgehogs onboard as emotional support animals. Meanwhile over at Spirit Airlines, it’s still a full-on Noah’s Ark!” 

CHE – “A non-profit group has announced plans to create a library on the moon. ‘Cool,’ said kids in Chicago.”

CHE – “Police in Philadelphia say that a 6 year-old girl in a kindergarten class discovered a bag of cocaine in another student’s backpack. The student was bringing the cocaine in for ‘Show And Tell, Tell Tell!’”

CHE – “The Boy Scouts of America agreed this week to allow girls into their organization. ‘Cause somebody’s gotta sew those badges on.”

JOST – “A restaurant in Texas has created a controversy by putting pictures of Bruce Jenner on the men’s room door and Caitlyn Jenner on the women’s room door. Even worse, they called the Handicap door, ‘Rob.’”

CHE – “Pennsylvania police arrested a one-armed woman who was trying to rob a bank. Police say the hardest part was figuring out how to handcuff her.”

JOST – “Porn Hub has released their parody of the musical, ‘Hamilton.’ In the Porn version, Hamilton absolutely throws away his shot.”

CHE – “The ‘New York Daily News’ published an editorial calling for New York to legalize marijuana, saying that the current laws primarily hurt people of color. But since it’s the ‘Daily News,’ the headline read, ‘Pot Cigs Catch Nigs.’”

JOST – “Jocelyn Wildenstein, the plastic-surgery obsessed woman known as ‘Catwoman,’ has filed for bankruptcy. But don’t worry about Jocelyn. From the looks of her, this is one cat who always lands on her face.”

For more information on “Saturday Night Live,” visit http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/ 


“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “You know, I gotta admit President Trump had a pretty good week. He helped secure the release of three American prisoners from North Korea, and when he greeted them at the airport, he didn’t even say, ‘Wait, I thought they were Americans.’”

JOST – “Trump bragged that him getting the prisoners was ‘probably the highest ever television ratings for three o’clock in the morning.’ Which is not true. The 3 a.m. ratings record was set on election night by liberals hoping they were being pranked.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “I mean, sure this has been a ‘decent week’ for Donald Trump. The same way a ‘decent date’ with R Kelly is to go home dry. Personally, I don’t like when Trump is this quiet. It’s like when I’m babysitting my nephew and he’s quiet for too long, and I’m like ‘Oh no, he’s eating out of that litter box again.’”
CHE – “According to a report, Michael Cohen was paid $600,000 by AT&T to advise them on their 85 billion dollar merger. AT&T could not be reached for comment because they use AT&T.”

JOST – “President Trump attacked the Russia investigation and insisted that obstruction of justice is quote ‘a made-up phony crime.’ Oh, the crime you’re accused of? That one’s made up? It’s funny how when it comes to immigration, Trump is like, ‘The law is the law.’ But when it comes to himself, he’s like ‘Laws aren’t real. They’re just stories we make up to scare poor people.’”

CHE – “President Trump announced that he would be withdrawing the U.S. from the Iran Nuclear Deal. And look, I’m not gonna pretend I know anything about the Iran Deal, but Trump is. You know the only part of that deal Trump has read was the signature on the bottom that said Barack Obama. Trump is undoing so much of Obama’s work that Obama is gonna start fading away in pictures, like ‘Back to the Future.’”

JOST – “Rudy Giuliani has resigned from his law firm to become President Trump’s attorney full-time. His first task will be to undo all the damage he did working part-time.”

JOST – “Attorney General Jeff Sessions announced that undocumented parents entering the U.S. would be separated from their children. Unless they can guess that his real name is Rumplestiltskin.” 

CHE – “First Lady Melania Trump, or as I call her, ‘sexy ass Michael Jackson,’ launched a campaign to stop cyberbullying called ‘Be Best.’ As in, ‘It would be best if you got a divorce.’”

JOST – “Hunter College has announced that they will give an honorary degree to actor Vin Diesel. Diesel says he can’t wait to find out whether the degree is in Fahrenheit or Celsius.”
CHE – “Police arrested a legless woman in Florida who was wanted for skipping a court date. It’s a rare case of a legless person skipping.”

CHE – “Police at Yale University interrogated a black graduate student after a white student reported her for sleeping in the common room. So if you’re black and go to Yale, stay woke! You know, I feel like next time a scary white lady calls the cops on an innocent black person, we should get something. I don’t know, like 50 bucks. Call it the ‘Megan tax.’ That way, when black people hear sirens, we can be like, ‘Oh cool. Imma make rent.’”

JOST – “The CEO of Starbucks said that no one would ever again be forced to buy an item before using one of their restrooms. At least that’s what the guy who cleans the Starbucks bathroom wrote in his suicide note.” 

CHE – “Officials in Colorado are searching for the man who was reportedly harassing a moose by chasing it down the street. Said the man, ‘I like my gals thick.’”
For more information on “Saturday Night Live,” visit http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “Well the clock might be running out on Trump’s presidency. So you know what that means, they’re finally putting in Rudy. But instead of making a great play, this Rudy immediately tackled his own quarterback.”
JOST – “Giuliani appeared on Fox News and straight-up admitted that Trump knew about the Stormy Daniels payment, which was maybe the best confession I’ve seen on TV that didn’t end with ‘Created by Dick Wolf.’ This Stormy Daniels payment turned out to be the loudest hush money in history. And during his Kings of Dementia comedy tour, Giuliani also said that the hush money was quote ‘funneled’ through a law firm. Dude, ‘funneled’ is not typically a word innocent people use when talking about money. No one says, ‘My grandma funneled me five dollars in my birthday card.’”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “Rudy Giuliani is claiming that President Trump only learned a week ago that he was reimbursing Michael Cohen’s payment to Stormy Daniels in $35,000 installments. I have a couple questions. Like, what kind of billionaire pays for stuff in ‘installments’? You’re the President of the United States. Why are you paying for sex like it’s a NordicTrack? And how did y’all land on $130,000? That’s such an oddly specific number. I asked Stormy to come on ‘Update’ and explain it. But her agent said no because if she’s seen on camera with a black guy, her price goes down.”

JOST – “Michael Avenatti, the lawyer for Stormy Daniels, said that he was ‘speechless’ after Giuliani said that Trump reimbursed Michael Cohen. In fact Avenatti was so speechless that night, he only appeared on twenty shows on six different networks.”

CHE – “The ‘New York Times’ has published a list of 49 questions that Robert Mueller reportedly wants to ask President Trump. The first one is ‘ColluderSaysWhat?’ Trump is calling this probe a trap. But questions are only a trap if you’re lying. If you ask your husband, ‘Where were you last night?’ and he says, ‘Bitch, you tryna trap me!’ he’s probably lying.”

JOST – “And let’s be clear: Trump and his legal team are the ones who leaked these questions. And I figured out why. Trump’s been so desperate to find a decent lawyer that at this point he’s just crowd-sourcing his legal strategy. Just throwing the Mueller questions out there like, ‘How do you guys think I should respond?’ It’s basically the same strategy Lays used to pick a new potato chip flavor.”

JOST – “This week President Trump’s former doctor […] said that the 2015 letter which described Trump as the ‘healthiest individual ever elected President’ was dictated by Trump himself. Which also explains why Trump’s blood pressure was listed as ‘haters over losers.’”

JOST – “White House lawyer Ty Cobb has announced that he will be stepping down at the end of May. Cobb will return to his old job of challenging you to a hot air balloon race around the world.”

JOST – “A Colombian veterinarian has been charged with allegedly smuggling heroin inside of puppies. This according to the very dark sequel to ‘The Secret Life of Pets.’”

CHE – “During the historic summit between Kim Jong Un and the leader of South Korea, Kim Jong Un brought his own personal toilet to the meeting. Worse, the toilet was an uncle who betrayed him.”

JOST – “A 7-Eleven in California is trying to keep people from begging for money outside the store by loudly playing classical music. Unfortunately, it’s only making the vagrants smarter.”

JOST – “A man in Kansas was arrested after he was caught having sex with the tailpipe of a car. The sex was described as ‘exhausting.’”

CHE – “A California man was arrested after being accused of waterboarding his wife. Still no word on where the remote control is.”

For more information on “Saturday Night Live,” visit http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/


“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “Well, Donald Trump has had a really, really tough week. But ya know what? I think I’m gonna still make fun of him. The FBI raided the home, office and hotel room of President Trump’s personal lawyer, Michael Cohen this week. Authorities first became suspicious of Cohen when they found out he was a lawyer for Donald Trump. This does not look good for Trump. If being black has taught me anything, it’s that when the Feds come kicking in your door, they got something. FBI raids are like when your girl goes through your phone. She’s only doing it to confirm whatever she already knows.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “The Michael Cohen raid is being called ‘historic.’ It’s amazing how we keep hearing ‘historic’ in reference to things that are happening during Trump’s administration, and none of them are positive. ‘Historic’ has become a polite way of saying, ‘unbelievably terrible.’ Like, ‘Wow, the Cleveland Browns are having another historic season.’ Or if you walk out of the bathroom and say, ‘you better give it a minute, I just did something historic.’”

CHE – “President Trump ordered an airstrike on Syria Friday night. So I guess we’re at war now too! Yay! These Trump stories are so random and insane. I feel like a contestant on Chopped. What the hell am I supposed to do with all these ingredients? I mean I knew he was gonna try to create a distraction. But I thought it’d be something small, like tweeting the N-word at Tristan Thompson. I didn’t know he was gonna put us in a full war.”

JOST – “In his memoir, ‘A Higher Loyalty’ James Comey calls President Trump ego-driven and said that he is untethered to truth. The book was co-authored by Captain Obvious. President Trump responded to the claims in Comey’s memoir calling him a ‘Leaker and a Liar.’ Which, coincidentally, is also the name of the video the Russians have.”

CHE – “According to James Comey’s new memoir, President Trump denied allegations in the Russian dossier saying, ‘I’m a germophobe. There’s no way I would let people pee on each other around me.’ First of all, you can’t call yourself a ‘germophobe,’ when you’re out there raw dogging porn stars. Also, paying hookers to pee on each other, while you hang back and watch, is exactly something a germophobe would do. Sidebar: Am I the only one that thinks the president being into pee-pee is, I dunno, kinda charming? It’s humanizing. Remember when we saw that video of Obama playing basketball, and we were like, ‘Oh wow, he’s just like us!’ Well this is the same thing, but like times two.”

JOST – “A topless woman was arrested outside of Bill Cosby’s sexual assault trial after she jumped a barrier and charged at the comedian. Responded Cosby, ‘Uhhh I think I’m gonna like court!’”

JOST – “This week Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg testified before Congress for a total of ten hours and exactly zero blinks. I don’t understand why we needed a Congressional hearing to find out that Facebook is selling our data. I mean they have to make money somehow. We use Facebook every single day for free. Would you rather get a monthly bill and have to go through it like, ‘There’s no way I clicked on 147 “Dog Befriends Turtle” pictures.’ People have to realize that everything you do on the internet has consequences. It’s like sending a picture of your penis and thinking, ‘She won’t forward this to all her friends right? I mean, I’m Brett Favre!’”

CHE – “A new yoga class is being offered in New York in which people exercise with goats. The way it works is – it doesn’t.”

JOST – “According to a new study people who stay up late at night are more likely to have psychological disorders and an increased risk of dying. So if you’re watching this live right now, I’ll see your crazy ass in hell.”

For more information on “Saturday Night Live,” visit http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “Well, the National Guard has been deployed to the Mexican border, our trade war with China keeps escalating, and a porn star says she can give a detailed description of the President’s penis. And yes, I listed those stories from least to most disturbing.”

JOST – “President Trump deployed the National Guard to the Mexican border even though reports show that illegal border crossings are at their lowest levels since 1971. It’s all part of Trump’s philosophy, ‘If it ain’t broke, I’ll break it!’”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “So now Trump is just sending the National Guard? Not even the Army? This is such a Trump move. He promises a big, beautiful wall and then the wall becomes a fence and then the fence becomes the Army and then the Army becomes the National Guard. Pretty soon it’s just gonna be a ‘Beware of Dog’ sign.”

JOST – “The Trump administration has also published a list of Chinese exports that could be targeted for tariffs, including salt, rubber and animal blood. Which are the exact ingredients in Monster Energy drinks.”

JOST – “President Trump defended his trade policies on Twitter, saying this about our trade deficit with China: ‘When you’re already $500 Billion DOWN, you can’t lose!’ What kind of degenerate gambler logic is that? It can always get worse man. If your plane loses an engine after takeoff, the pilot doesn’t say, ‘We’re still flying to Hawaii anyway, cuz when you’re already one engine down, you can’t lose!’”

CHE – “Experts say that Trump’s new tariffs will directly hurt U.S. manufacturers. But why would Donald Trump care about what ‘experts’ say? Experts also said that he couldn’t win the presidency and that eating four bags of McDonald’s a day will kill you. But somehow there he is. Healthy as a fat horse.”

CHE – “I don’t think we wanna get in a ‘trade war’ with China though. If Canal Street has taught me anything, it’s that there is nothing we have that the Chinese can’t just make themselves. That’s where I get all my Fucci from.”

JOST – “This week shade queen Donald Trump also repeatedly attacked Amazon on Twitter. If I were Amazon, I would just troll him right back. I’d constantly send the White House copies of ‘Fire and Fury’ and Stormy Daniels DVDs. Or things Trump really hates like vegetables.”

JOST – “Kremlin officials are also saying that during a call last month, President Trump invited Vladimir Putin to come visit him at the White House. Worse, when Trump hung up, he accidentally said, ‘Love you bye.’”

CHE – “Stormy Daniels’ lawyer claimed that CBS edited out a clip of Daniels’ ’60 Minutes’ interview in which she described the President’s genitalia. Good! Thank you. I don’t want that image burned in my brain. Stormy is like that person who goes, ‘Ughh! This is so gross! Taste it!’ No! I believe you. Stop trying to tell us what Donald Trump’s penis is like. If I wanted to know what a 70 year-old’s penis looked like, I’d go down to the NBC gym.”

CHE – “The students at Stoneman Douglas High School face new security precautions including a rule requiring everyone to wear clear book bags. Is that supposed to keep guns out? Nobody comes to school with a gun and their books. When a mailman goes postal, he doesn’t also finish his route.”

JOST – “During the Masters tournament, golfer Tony Finau sprained his ankle while celebrating a hole-in-one. So, no, golfers are not athletes.”

JOST – “A man in Australia, who was stabbed in the back during a bar fight, ordered another drink with the knife still in his back. And then by law, he became the President of Australia.”

CHE – “New York City’s MTA had to suspend a subway train because someone smeared feces inside of a car. That sounds bad, but that’s also how amazing the subway system is in New York. You can see feces smeared inside, and that still won’t be the last time you ride the subway. At most, you might switch cars. If you saw feces smeared anywhere else you’d be like, ‘Well, I guess we don’t visit Grandma anymore.’”

JOST – “A new study finds that bowhead whales perform jazz-like improvisations when singing. Which explains why all the other whales hate them.”

JOST – “Wednesday was Ramen Noodle Day. But if you’re depressed enough, every day is Ramen Noodle Day.”

For more information on “Saturday Night Live,” visit http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “This week, the national unemployment rate held steady at four percent, while the White House unemployment rate rose to all of them. The crazy thing is I’m starting to feel sorry for all these people Trump is firing, even though I thought they were terrible at their jobs. I mean, six months ago could you have imagined thinking, ‘Hang in there, Jeff Sessions.’”

JOST – “The latest victim was former FBI Director Andrew McCabe, who was fired two days before he was set to retire on his 50th birthday, so he couldn’t collect his full pension. Damn man, that’s cold. Even the joker’s like, ‘You don’t treat people like that.’ Trump needs to be nicer to people. I love that Trump is being extra mean to the FBI guy who’s definitely about to testify against him. It’s like walking in and announcing to a whole restaurant that you’re not tipping anyone before they make your food.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “President Trump fired Secretary of State Rex Tillerson and replaced him with CIA Director Mike Pompeo. Tillerson will return to his previous job as the eagle from the Muppets.”

CHE – “Insiders are saying that more major staff shake-ups could be coming to the White House. Trump is firing people like he’s trying to get us under the salary cap or something. This is like when those Domino’s commercials say ‘At Domino’s, we’re making some changes,’ and you’re like, yeah but you’re still Domino’s.”

JOST – “It was reported that special counsel Robert Mueller has subpoenaed documents from the Trump Organization. By the way, ‘Trump Organization’ is maybe the greatest oxymoron in history. Have you ever seen Trump’s desk? He’s just a full hoarder. Good luck finding Russian evidence under some old McDonald’s wrappers, a pile of unsigned non-disclosure agreements and macaroni Father’s Day cards from Eric.”

CHE – “Stormy Daniels has offered to return the 130,000 dollars that she was paid, so that she can release any texts, photos or videos she has with Donald Trump. For what? So a lady is trying to show us revenge porn of a grandpa, and we’re just okay with that? What are you expecting to see? What if it’s good? Are you prepared for that? Are you prepared to see Donald Trump tear up some ass? He’s 6’3” and dumb as rocks. You don’t know what he’s working with down there.”

JOST – “Can the media please stop getting us all riled up with headlines like, ‘Will Porn Star Bring Down President?’ and ‘Is Mueller Moving In For the Kill?’ Stop teasing us if there’s no payoff! I’ll tell the media the same thing I told my high school girlfriend: ‘I’m totally fine waiting, but you gotta stop rubbing the outside of my pants.’”

JOST – “Walmart has filed a patent for robot bees that could be used to pollinate crops like real bees. Which leads me to ask what is Walmart now? A department store that became a grocery store and firearms dealer? And now they’re just building an army of robot bees? I miss the good old days when Walmart was just a place where I saw my third grade teacher punch a greeter on Black Friday.”

JOST – “Taco Bell is selling a ‘Strawberry Skittles Freeze’ made with Skittles candy. You know, Mexican food. Just like mi abuela used to make.”

JOST – “The Federal Trade Commission has ordered the makers of the Snuggie to pay more than seven million dollars in refunds over deceptive, ‘Buy one, get one free’ ads. It’s a rare piece of good news for people who own multiple Snuggies.”

JOST – “The winner of America’s Best License Plate is New Mexico’s ‘Chile Capital of the World’ plate. While the worst is New Jersey’s ‘Da Fuh You Lookin’ At?’”
For more information on “Saturday Night Live,” visit http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/


“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “In a stunning turn of events, North Korean leader Kim Jong Un has agreed to meet in May with Donald Trump or whoever’s president in May. Trump would be the first sitting U.S. President to meet with the leader of North Korea. And it’s also gonna be the first time where both translators start every sentence with: ‘Okay, so what I think he said was…’ I just love that there’s a potential nuclear war hanging in the balance, and we’re putting our lives in the hands of the only two guys connected on Dennis Rodman’s LinkedIn page.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “Experts warn that the talks between Trump and Kim Jong Un would be risky because ‘well duh.’ Best case scenario they’ll realize they’re both crazy and become best friends like that movie, ‘Step Brothers.’ But more than likely, Donald Trump is gonna realize that he’s just Twitter crazy, and Kim Jong Un is crazy-crazy. There’s a big difference. One guy trolls Oprah online, and the other guy murdered his uncle with a canon. This could be the greatest episode of ‘Scared Straight’ ever. What do you think Trump’s gonna say at dinner when they tell him he’s eating disrespectful limo driver?”

JOST – “And in this week’s Presidential porno recap: Trump’s personal lawyer Michael Cohen, who’s definitely a candidate for friend of the year, said that he used funds from his own home equity line to pay $130,000 to silence Stormy Daniels. Can anyone in America imagine taking out a home equity loan to help their friend pay off a porn star? The best part is you know that right after Cohen settled up with Stormy, Trump saw another porn star and was like, ‘She’s pretty cute too.’ And Cohen’s like, ‘Dude, I’m gonna lose my house.’”
CHE – “Gary Cohn has resigned as the White House’s top economic advisor. Cohn hopes to work somewhere a little less chaotic than the White House. Like, I don’t know, a Walmart on Black Friday? In response to his resignation, the Dow Jones fell more than 300 points. Now 300 points sounds like a lot, but keep in mind I have no idea what the hell the Dow Jones is. I react to the Dow the same way I react to my boys when they tell me they’re about to have a kid. I’m like, ‘Whaaaat…? How you feel about that?’”

JOST – “This week it was revealed that in January of 2017, a secret meeting took place in the Seychelles between a Trump associate, an official from the United Arab Emirates and a Russian banker with ties to the Kremlin. Sounds innocent. At least with all this Mueller stuff we’re learning a lot about geography. Trump at this point is basically Carmen Sandiego, only he wants to deport everyone with a name like Carmen Sandiego.”

CHE – “President Trump met with executives from the video game industry to discuss the connection between violent video games and shootings. I don’t know. I grew up playing ‘Mario Brothers.’ But I never had the urge to curb stomp a turtle. Though I did grow up with a kid that played ‘Pac Man’ all day. And now he’s addicted to pills and sees ghosts everywhere.”

CHE – “McDonald’s celebrated International Women’s Day by turning its golden arches upside down. Not to be outdone, In-N-Out changed its name to ‘Adequate Foreplay.’”
JOST – “Also in honor of International Women’s Day, Barbie has released a new Amelia Earhart doll. It’s the only Barbie that’s gotta be around here somewhere.”

JOST – “Three daycare workers in Chicago were arrested for giving gummy bears laced with sleep-inducing melatonin to a class of two year-olds. Worse, they woke them up with cocaine.”

CHE – “West Virginia lawmakers reached a deal with public school teachers to end their strike and give them a five percent pay raise. Good. Nobody’s more underpaid than public school teachers. You ever see a faculty parking lot? Teachers drive cars made by companies that don’t even make cars. My dad is a public school teacher. He drives a ‘97 Frigidaire.”

JOST – “A family in Australia has discovered what is believed to be the world’s oldest message in a bottle, which was thrown into the sea over 130 years ago by a then middle-aged Bernie Sanders.”

For more information on “Saturday Night Live,” visit http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “Okay, I have a serious question: Who still works in our government? Like who still does an actual government job? At this point, the White House is like that dead mall in your hometown. It’s just a sunglasses kiosk and a couple of raccoons fighting in a JCPenny.”

JOST – “Hope Hicks, President Trump’s Communications Director and one of his longest-serving advisers, said Wednesday that she planned to resign to pursue other opportunities. You know things are bad when a 29-year-old with no experience who works directly for the President of the United States thinks, ‘I gotta get out of this dead end job.’ She is resigning to pursue other opportunities the same way people on the Titanic decided they wanted to start seeing other boats.”

JOST – “It was reported that Jared Kushner, who by the way is the only guy who makes me look ethnic, was also stripped of his top secret security clearance this week. And at that exact moment, though he didn’t yet know why, Steve Bannon got his first erection in ten years.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “During a bipartisan meeting to discuss school safety, President Trump called for more gun control. But NRA officials are saying that after a private meeting with the President he has backed off that position. Oh really? So he was alone in a room with a bunch of gun enthusiasts, and they somehow managed to change his mind. You know, I once spoke out against gang violence. But then after a very private meeting with the Bloods on the roof of my building, I realized I disagreed with myself too!”

JOST – “Another solution proposed is that we should give guns to teachers. And I tried to seriously consider that idea, but then I remembered that I had Catholic nuns as teachers growing up, and they definitely should not have guns. They were violent enough with rulers! And of course nuns are violent. Imagine a regular teacher and how frustrated they are all the time. Now imagine that same teacher, but they can never have sex. That’s why priests were always nicer than nuns, at least priests were having sex.”

CHE – “Dick’s Sporting Goods has announced that in the wake of the Florida shooting, it will immediately stop selling assault rifles. Good. Maybe now we can stop pretending that hunting is a sport, because it’s not. I’ve never seen a deer get shot, then grab his side and say, ‘Ahh good game.’ You can’t just make terrorizing animals a sport because you like to do it. If you get caught having sex with a deer, you can’t be like, ‘Unhand me! I’m an athlete!’”

CHE – “A new report shows that 86 percent of the people arrested in New York City for marijuana possession are black or Latino. While the rest are black and Latino.”

JOST – “President Trump has imposed a tariff on aluminum, which will raise the price of beer by four cents per can. Which works out to a million dollar per month tax on Blake Shelton.”

JOST – “A rare letter written by Mahatma Gandhi, in which he mentions Jesus Christ, is being sold at auction. Gandhi’s letter reads simply, ‘Jesus Christ, I’m hungry.’”

JOST – “Barbra Streisand revealed that two of her dogs are actually clones of a third one who recently passed away. Stars: They’re just like us!”

CHE – “March is Women’s History Month. Because March is the only month that tells you what to do.”

For more information on “Saturday Night Live,” visit http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/


“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “President Trump authorized the release of a memo that claims the FBI improperly spied on his campaign, despite warnings from the FBI and the Department of Justice, that the memo was inaccurate. Cuz if anyone is concerned with accuracy, it’s Mr. 239 pounds.”

JOST – “This memo came from 40-year-old virgin, Devin Nunes, who is Chairman of the House Intelligence Committee. I gotta say I don’t really trust this guy to untangle a vast conspiracy. I wouldn’t really trust him to untangle a pair of headphones. I’m trying to put myself in his shoes, and it’s pretty easy ‘cause his shoes are Velcro. But I don’t understand how any of this is important. So I’m going to treat this memo like every memo I’ve ever received at work and completely ignore it. At this point if you actually want to get my attention, the bar is set at ‘Porn Star Spanks President with Magazine.’ Also this is a four page memo that ‘cherry-picks’ information from a FISA document that’s 50 to 60 pages long. It’s like when you see a blurb for ‘Transformers 5,’ and it says ‘It blew my mind…’ when the full quote is, ‘It blew my mind… that God allowed this.’”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “First of all, you know damn well Donald Trump didn’t read this memo. It’s four pages long. And the only time Donald Trump reads four pages in a row is when he’s ordering breakfast.”

JOST – “President Trump gave his first State of the Union address on Tuesday and received mostly positive reviews. But that’s only because we expect so little from Trump at this point that when he behaves even remotely human, we’re all really impressed. It’s sort of like when you see a video of a rat taking a shower, and you think, ‘Aww, look he’s doing human stuff!’”

JOST – “President Trump tweeted that he had the highest ratings ever for a State of the Union address, which – get this – wasn’t true. Even Fox News fact checked him on it. You know you’re running your mouth too much when even your hype man is like, ‘Yo, that ain’t exactly accurate tho.’”

JOST – “In a new interview, President Trump stated that he is not a feminist. Was he getting accused of that a lot?”

CHE – “After Jay-Z criticized President Trump’s vulgar comments about African nations, Trump responded with, ‘Somebody please inform Jay-Z that because of my policies, Black Unemployment has just been reported to be at the lowest rate ever recorded.’ Yeah, because of Obama, not the awful jobs that you brought in! Black people ain’t trying to sling coal. Trump is just appropriating Obama’s success. It’s no different than white women taking credit for ‘Yas Queen.’”

JOST – “Tomorrow night the New England Patriots will face the Philadelphia Eagles in Super Bowl LII. So whether you’re a Pats fan or an Eagles fan, remember: child support was due on the first.”

JOST – “It was reported that a sequel is in the works for the Mel Gibson movie, ‘The Passion of the Christ.’ So get ready to see ‘I Still Know What Jews Did Last Summer.’ You know, I refuse to see another ‘Passion of the Christ’ movie unless Jesus has a line, ‘You crossed the wrong guy.’”

CHE – “Molly Schuyler has set a new world record at this year’s Wing Bowl by eating 501 wings, breaking the previous record of 28. Molly will be using the prize money to soundproof her bathroom.”

JOST – “United Airlines prevented a passenger from bringing an emotional support peacock on a cross-country flight. Because the only emotional support bird they should allow on a plane is Grey Goose. Also when has a bird ever put anyone at ease? Let alone in a confined space. No one’s ever used the phrase, ‘Oh good. A bird’s inside.’”
For more information on “Saturday Night Live,” visit http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “President Trump reportedly ordered the firing of Robert Mueller last June but backed down when the White House counsel threatened to resign. So he tried to obstruct justice in an obstruction of justice investigation? That’s like getting pulled over for drunk driving and then challenging the cop to a keg stand. My concern is Trump tries to obstruct justice so often, and so publicly, that it doesn’t even register as a crime anymore. No one’s still trying to convict the Hamburglar for stealing hamburgers. Cause at this point that’s just what he does.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “Trump’s lawyer, Ty Cobb had to tell the President the investigation was almost over just to calm him down. What do you mean, ‘Calm him down?’ You shouldn’t have to do that to a president, that’s what you do to a dog during a fireworks display. ‘Shh, it’s okay boy. It’s almost over.’”

CHE – “I do love that Trump tried to fire Mueller, and now he has to sit with him and answer all of his questions. That’s gotta be awkward. You ever try to press ‘Door Close’ on somebody in an elevator, but they make it anyway? And now you gotta talk to Colin about white golfers.”

JOST – “While in Davos [Switzerland], Trump met with the President of Rwanda just a week after Trump used a vulgar term to describe African nations. The meeting began awkwardly when Trump tossed him his car keys and told him not to scratch the finish.”

CHE – “Republicans have begun blaming a ‘secret society’ within the FBI for undermining the Trump presidency. And I believe it. That’s why hating on Donald Trump is so frustrating for me. Because he constantly re-affirms all of my black paranoia. Just when I think he’s insane, he’ll say something that makes perfect sense like, ‘The media is lying, the FBI is tryna do me like they did 2pac.’ And I’m like, ‘They did kill 2pac, didn’t they.’”

JOST – “U.S. Customs and Border Protection agents are being criticized after they arrested a woman on a Greyhound bus in Florida who did not have identification proving her citizenship. Man, if there’s one thing you don’t expect when you’re on a Greyhound bus in Florida, it’s for things to get worse.”

JOST – “The Philadelphia Eagles will face the New England Patriots in this year’s Super Bowl. Making it the first Super Bowl where the fans have even worse brain damage than the players. Go Giants!”

CHE – “At least a dozen camels participating in Saudi Arabia’s camel beauty pageant have been disqualified because their owners injected their lips with Botox. But other than that, it was just a perfectly normal camel beauty pageant.”

CHE – “A Brooklyn man, who needed a kidney transplant, found one after spending a week at Disney World wearing a shirt with this kidney request. Which explains why Goofy woke up in a bathtub full of ice.”

JOST – “Some Olympics fans are excited after it was announced that Tonga’s shirtless oiled up flag-bearer from the Summer Games has also qualified for the upcoming Winter Olympics. Where he’ll be the first guy to do the luge without needing a sled.”

JOST – “Bacardi Rum announced that they are merging with Patron Tequila. But I thought Bacardi and Patron had already merged to form Pitbull.”

For more information on “Saturday Night Live,” visit http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/


“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “Well, congratulations to Donald Trump who managed to keep our government open for almost one whole year! The government shut down at midnight last night over disagreements regarding immigration. President Trump has blamed Minority Leader Chuck Schumer for the shutdown, because Trump never misses a chance to blame a minority.”

JOST – “Also why is shutting down our entire government even an option? America has been around for 240 years – maybe it’s time we just buy our government instead of leasing it month-to-month. This is people’s lives, not a Kia Sorento. Even production on ‘House of Cards’ didn’t shut down after the main guy was accused of being a full predator. If a fake government can keep going, so can we. Also in that fake government, they got rid of the sexual predator president and got a female president instead. So… just something to think about.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “So since the government shut down, do we still have to pay taxes for the whole year? Do we get prorated? When my cable shut down, Comcast gave me free HBO for a month. I feel like the government owes us like, an eagle or an apple pie or something.”

JOST – “This week, I was finally able to Google Stormy Daniels on my work computer. In an interview from 2011, porn star Stormy Daniels said that while she was having an affair with Donald Trump he told her she was ‘beautiful and smart just like his daughter.’ Which is somehow the grossest thing a man has ever said to Stormy Daniels.”

JOST – “I just love watching Mike Pence during all of this. He’s a buttoned-down conservative Christian, and now he’s gotta go ride or die with Caligula. At this point, Pence would probably be more comfortable as a judge on ‘RuPaul’s Drag Race.’”

CHE – “The worst part about that was that it was so lame. An old rich dude cheated on his wife with a porn star. Clutch my pearls. I thought we’d at least hear some freaky details. I mean Donald Trump grabs women by the vagina as his opener. So his actual sex must be insane right? But the craziest thing we got was that he was spanked with a magazine, and he’s afraid of sharks? Of course he’s afraid of sharks. The man has the body of a seal.”
JOST – “On Tuesday, the White House doctor held a press conference where he read the results of Trump’s physical. And we have some of the results right here. EKG, normal, blood pressure, normal, urine, loves it. The doctor said that President Trump also took a cognitive test and did ‘exceedingly well.’ But it wasn’t an IQ test. It was an ‘are you okay’ test. One of the questions was literally ‘draw a clock.’ The last president to fail this test was Lincoln after the play.”

CHE – “I for one am happy to know that the president has a normal functioning brain, because it would suck to find out that all this time, I’ve been making fun of a mentally challenged dude. If he would’ve failed that mental exam, it would’ve changed everything. People from other countries would be like, ‘Hey, you’re from America where they elected that mentally challenged guy. That’s awesome!’”

CHE – “Hundreds of marches took place around the world today to protest President Trump’s first year. Single handedly saving the pink yarn industry. I support the women’s movement, but it’s kinda hard to take someone serious wearing a vagina hat. If Martin Luther King gave his speech wearing a black penis hat, he’d probably still be alive today.”
CHE – “President Trump tweeted that unemployment for Black Americans is at ‘the lowest ever recorded.’ Um, I don’t know man. I’m pretty sure that before the civil war black unemployment was at like, zero.”

CHE – “Police in Washington State say they’re trying to find the owner of an urn full of cremated remains that was donated to a Goodwill location. ‘Um, what did the urn look like?’ said an employee who just made coffee.”

JOST – “This week marked Chris Christie’s final day as Governor of New Jersey. And to honor him, pants were worn at full mast.”

JOST – “Scientists in Taiwan have caught a rare shark that can extend its jaws beyond its mouth to swallow large fish in one bite. Officials say the shark is cleaning up on Gridnr.”

JOST – “The British government has appointed a ‘Minister of Loneliness’ to deal with health problems stemming from social isolation. This replaces the current British ‘Minister of Loneliness,’ Sam Smith.”

CHE – “A Pennsylvania man was arrested for walking his dog without wearing any pants. Even worse, he was walking him to get more peanut butter.”

For more information on “Saturday Night Live,” visit http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “The book ‘Fire and Fury,’ a salacious exposé of the Trump White House, was released last week. And then this week, the sequel wrote itself. During an Oval Office meeting, Trump attacked protections for immigrants from African countries, which he called ‘s-holes.’ That’s what NBC asked us to say, by the way. ‘S-hole.’ Even though the President can say ‘shithole.’ Oops. At this point, I feel bad for parents with young children. Every word you tell your kid not to say, they can be like, ‘But the President gets to say it!’”

JOST – “The most insane thing is that Trump said all this racist stuff right before Martin Luther King Day, which is like pounding a case of beer on your way to rehab. Now I’m just worried about what he’s going to say the day before Passover.”

JOST – “Trump also said that instead we should take more immigrants from countries like Norway, and Norwegians were like, ‘America? We’re not going to that Shatter-Hoven.’”
“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “Can I be honest? When someone asked me, ‘Did you hear what Donald Trump called Haiti and Africa?’ I was like, ‘Oh boy! Did it start with an “N”?’ But then I heard what he said, and I was like, ‘That’s it?’ I’ve said that about countries for not having a CVS. Here’s the thing. My job is to make jokes about the news. But Trump saying something racist isn’t exactly news anymore. It’d be news if Trump said, ‘You know what we need more in this country? Haitians.’ And by the way, he’s not the only one here that thinks like that. I’ve lived in this country my entire life, and I’ve been asked to go ‘back to Africa’ several times, and it’s never been because they thought I’d enjoy it there.”

CHE – “But Donald, you do realize how rich these places are in resources, right? I mean, they’re in bad shape because they’ve been robbed and exploited for centuries by western powers. So the President of the United States calling Africa a ‘shithole’ is like telling a kid you molested, ‘Boy, did you grow up to be weird.’”

JOST – “It was reported that just before the election last year, President Trump’s personal lawyer arranged a six-figure payment to cover up an alleged affair between Trump and porn star Stormy Daniels. So at least there’s one storm Trump will pay for. And let me just say what a thrill it is to be alive in a time where ‘Porn Star Blackmails President’ is like the fourth biggest story of the week. At this rate in a year from now, we’re gonna see the headline ‘Trump Found with Dead Hooker’ right next to the crossword puzzle.”

CHE – “In a new interview, President Trump said that his tweets antagonizing Kim Jong Un are part of his strategy, saying, ‘You’ll see that a lot with me. Then all of a sudden, somebody’s my best friend.’ It’s a strategy experts are calling ‘early onset dementia.’”
JOST – “Speaking of dementia, Trump underwent a physical exam on Friday, and his staff released a statement announcing that Trump is in quote ‘excellent health.’ That’s right, this guy. President Drumstick is in excellent health. I think I wanna see the full medical report because unless his chart says, ‘Blood type: Thick,’ I’m skeptical.”

CHE – “After Oprah Winfrey’s Golden Globes speech, many in the public are calling for a run at the presidency in 2020. Ugh. Can’t we just have a regular one for a while? Just a regular boring old white dude president that smiles and shape shifts into a lizard at night? I’m tired of all these fun ideas for president. I miss boring politics. I miss when people would ask me, ‘Hey, did you hear what the president said?’ and I’d be like, ‘No.’”

CHE – “H&M has a apologized after using a black child to model a sweatshirt with the logo, ‘Coolest Monkey in the Jungle.’ Worse, the shirt was made by ‘The Saddest Child in the Sweatshop.’”

JOST – “Steve Bannon announced that he will be stepping down from Breitbart News. Although technically he’s not stepping down so much as he’s sliding away in a trail of mucus.”

JOST – “It was reported that back in December President Trump during a meeting in the Oval Office referred to a member of the staff as a ‘pretty Korean lady.’ Worse, it was Jared Kushner.”

CHE – “The New York City commission on monuments has decided that statues of controversial historical figures, such as Christopher Columbus, will not be torn down because…it’s just not what we care about this week.”

JOST – “General Motors announced that it’s making a line of self-driving cars that has no steering wheel, no gas or brake pedals, no windows, and it’s a coffin.”

JOST – “Kohler has introduced a new toilet that can be flushed by voice-command. So get ready to hear your co-worker in the next stall yelling, ‘Flush! Please flush! For the love of God, flush!’”

For more information on “Saturday Night Live,” visit http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/


“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “Congratulations to Alabama’s newest Senator… Not Roy Moore. That’s literally what it’s gonna say on his nameplate. Doug Jones has become the first Democrat to win a Senate seat in Alabama in over 20 years. Said Roy Moore, ‘Gross, over 20 years?’”

JOST – “After Jones’ victory, President Trump tweeted, ‘Congratulations to Doug Jones… The people of Alabama are great, and the Republicans will have another shot… It never ends!’ That’s it? He just went all in for an accused pedophile and when he lost, Trump’s just like, ‘Well, we had fun! Good game guys!’ Like nothing happened. He could be removed from office tonight, and tomorrow he’d tweet, ‘Congrats to Robert Mueller on a great investigation. Had a fun time being president. Catch you on the flippity-flop! #DietCokeTime’”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “Democratic National Committee chairman Tom Perez tweeted, ‘#BlackWomen led us to victory… and we can’t take that for granted.’ Mmm… but I bet you will. And you know why? It’s because democrats know that black people aren’t really democrats. We just vote for the guy that looks less likely to put us on a boat. Here’s how I vote. I look at both candidates. I listen to them speak. And then I ask myself, ‘If I got pulled over, which one of these candidates would I rather see approaching my car?’ And it’s almost always not the one on a horse.”

JOST – “Nine senators this week have called on President Trump to resign from office over the allegations of sexual assault. The problem is you’re never gonna shame President Grab-ass out of office. Shame for Trump is like spinach for Popeye. It only makes him stronger. Especially with inappropriate sex stuff. Cuz he’s already openly bragged about it. He didn’t go on Howard Stern 37 times to talk about real estate. All I’m saying is it’s hard to assassinate a guy’s character when his character already committed suicide 40 years ago.”

CHE – “I think President Trump should at least consider resigning. I mean, you’ve made your point already, dude. The political system is broken, and probably rigged, and any idiot that understands television could mobilize the angriest people in the country with lies and insults and still somehow be more likable that Hillary Clinton. Point taken! We’ve learned our lesson. If this were a Christmas movie, this would be the part where you winked at the camera and disappeared, and then we realized you lived inside of us the whole time.”

JOST – “There were no female directors nominated for a Golden Globe this year. It’s a snub women in Hollywood are calling, ‘the least of our problems.’”

JOST – “Police in Illinois arrested a man for drunk driving after he crushed his car into a ditch and told officers that his name was ‘Burger King.’ Police then took out their tazers and had it their way.”

CHE – “Two generic versions of the erectile dysfunction drug Viagra are now available. Perfect for when the moment strikes and you want to tell that special lady: ‘Hey baby, I’m broke.’”

JOST – “It was reported that a six year-old boy who reviews toys on YouTube made 11 million dollars this year. ‘That’s right,’ said his parents, ‘You made 50 whole dollars!’”

CHE – “Consumer watchdog groups are warning that devices like Amazon’s Echo and Google Home may be recording people all the time. Which explains why all of the ads that pop up on my computer are for Gas-X.”

For more information on “Saturday Night Live,” visit http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “With all the complex issues facing America right now, President Trump decided to relax and solve a much simpler problem. The Middle East. Trump formally recognized Jerusalem as the capital of Israel this week, and you’re not going to believe this but Jews and Muslims had different reactions. Trump basically made the announcement, flicked a cigarette and walked away in slow motion.”
JOST – “Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas warned President Trump in a phone call that the move would result in ‘dangerous consequences.’ And it didn’t help that Trump ended the call by wishing Abbas ‘Merry Christmas’ and asking for extra falafel.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “I don’t know why anybody would take sides in the Middle East conflict, unless they’re actually from the Middle East. It’s like watching your girlfriend’s parents fight. You’re just supposed to quietly nod and say, ‘I hear you.’ I don’t know nothin’ about the Middle East. I have one Palestinian friend. And every time I ask him about the Middle East, he says, ‘Che, I’m Pakistani.’”

JOST – “After Trump slurred his speech on Wednesday the White House announced that he will undergo a physical exam early next year, and the results will be made public. Which sounds great, but will Dr. Muppet be doing it? Because if he is, someone’s gonna have to shake him out of his ‘ludes coma first.”

JOST – “Congress has passed a temporary extension that will prevent a government shut down this weekend. So, for now, ‘a government shut down’ is just when a woman tells a senator to pull his pants back up.”

JOST – “Three members of Congress resigned this week after allegations of sexual misconduct. And you know what that means: Time to open three more doors on our Sexual Harassment-themed Advent Calendar.”

JOST – “President Trump also endorsed Roy Moore this week saying, ‘Go get ‘em, Roy!’ Come on, man. When you’re endorsing an accused child molester, you can’t say ‘Go get ‘em!’ This isn’t Pedophile Pokémon. And if it is, we should probably keep an eye on Squirtle. By the way ‘Go get ‘em, Roy!’ is also what Roy Moore whispers to himself right before he walks into a Hot Topic.”

CHE – “Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore responded to critics by tweeting, ‘I think they’re afraid I’m going to take Alabama values to Washington.’ No. we’re afraid you’re gonna take your values to Washington. Why do people always blame their terrible behavior on where they’re from? Like when a guy whips out his junk on the subway and screams, ‘Only in New York, baby!’”

JOST – “According to a report President Trump did not invite any Democrats to the White House Hanukkah Party on Thursday. Which is like not inviting any gay people to the ‘Tony Awards.’ It’s not a good look when the most Jewish person at your Hanukkah Party is Ivanka Trump.”

JOST – “Pizza Hut has announced that it will start testing beer and wine delivery in certain cities. Cities such as Lonelytown and North Shamefield.”

CHE – “At least four major wild fires have broken out around Los Angeles, forcing the evacuation of over 150,000 residents. The fires are the worst thing spreading in LA since Harvey Weinstein’s bathrobe.”

JOST – “Applebee’s is selling $1 Long Island Iced Teas for the rest of 2017. This according to a teacher sleeping at her desk.”

CHE – “It was reported that while singer R. Kelly was away on tour, thieves broke into his Atlanta home and took nearly everything from it. Damn, I bet he was pissed.”

JOST – “A woman in Bristol, England, says she’s had sex with at least 20 ghosts. Or, hear me out, British dudes are just super pale.”

For more information on “Saturday Night Live,” visit http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/ 


“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “Well, the good news for President Trump is that his tax plan just passed the Senate. The bad news is he might not be president long enough to sign it.”

JOST – “Former National Security Advisor Michael Flynn plead guilty to charges that he lied to the FBI during their investigation of Trump’s ties to Russia. Or as Fox News reported it, ‘Did Hillary Clinton secretly join ISIS?’ These days, I have to say it’s just refreshing to see a powerful man plead guilty for something that isn’t sexual harassment. When I heard Flynn was in trouble, I was like, ‘Wait, he only lied to the FBI? He didn’t also whip it out during a meeting? Solid guy!’”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “President Trump knew we had a show tonight, so he was kind enough to go on Twitter and do half of our job for us. He said, ‘I had to fire General Flynn because he lied to the Vice President and the FBI.’ Ah, thanks, man – I got it from here. So you knew Flynn lied and then asked Comey to stop his investigation? That’s obstruction! Who’s your lawyer? Oh right, the oatmeal guy. You know, what’s the crazy thing is that as bad as this looks, this is still Donald Trump we’re talking about. And I’ve heard people say, ‘Oh, there’s no way Trump walks from this one!’ at least 38 times already. But this slippery bastard is still the president somehow. I mean, what else does the FBI need? They have like a 95 percent conviction rate, a high ranking snitch and a confession on Twitter. So if this time next year, Donald Trump isn’t in prison corn-rolling some brother named Lunchmeat’s hair, then damnit, I want the ‘oatmeal guy’ as my lawyer too.”

JOST – “After news of Flynn’s plea broke, former FBI Director James Comey tweeted a Biblical verse saying, ‘But let justice roll down like waters and righteousness like an ever-flowing stream.’ It’s a powerful reminder that no matter what you think about James Comey, we can all agree that he’s a humongous dork. Also, his use of the phrase ‘ever-flowing stream’ makes me think he has seen that Russian pee tape.”

JOST – “The Senate also voted to pass a $1.5 trillion tax reform bill early this morning that experts say would add $1 trillion to the national debt. Wow, I knew Trump was going to run the country like a business. I just didn’t know he was going to run it like one of his businesses. Experts also say the plan will give huge tax cuts to households making over $1 million a year. Of course, all that money will eventually trickle down – first from rich parents to their kids, and then from those kids to their molly dealers at Coachella.”

CHE – “You know, once the Republicans get this tax bill passed, they won’t need Donald Trump anymore. They got what they wanted. I mean, it’s not like they like you. Don’t you think it’s a little odd that they passed this bill at 2 a.m. without reading it – the same night they found out Flynn was snitching on you? They know something. It’s like your family showing up to your hospital room saying, ‘Look, we need you to sign this will tonight!’ Can I read it first? ‘No time!’”

JOST – “President Trump also hinted in a tweet this week that MSNBC anchor Joe Scarborough should be investigated for an ‘unsolved murder.’ Can we just take a second to appreciate that that story barely even registered as news? At any other time in history, the headline ‘President Openly Accuses Man of Murder’ would probably make the front page. Now it’s just part of the ‘Wacky News Corner’ right next to ‘Local Squirrel Learns Karate’ and ‘North Korea Can Now Nuke All of U.S.’”

JOST – “YouTube has removed more than 150,000 videos dues to disturbing content involving children. But if you still want to watch disturbing content involving children, there’s always the Alabama Senate race.”

JOST – “Trump criticized Roy Moore’s Democratic opponent Doug Jones as a Chuck Schumer puppet. But he’s not a Chuck Schumer puppet. Statler from the Muppets – that’s a Chuck Schumer puppet.”

CHE – “The New York Giants announced that they were going to bench quarterback Eli Manning for the first time in more than 13 years. So if you see Eli Manning looking sad, that’s just how he always looks.”

JOST – “A new survey finds that four out of five Americans believe that sexual harassment is happening in the workplace – while one out of five couldn’t respond because their boss’s penis was blocking the keyboard.”

JOST – “On Wednesday, the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree was lit. And so was Ann Curry.”

CHE – “According to new allegations against Matt Lauer, the former Today Show host gave a female colleague a sex toy as a gift, which is a bad thing. So I guess that means I should return the Secret Santa gift I got for Colin.”

JOST – “In a new interview, Jay-Z admitted that he cheated on Beyonce. Yeah man, we know.”

JOST – “A historian in Virginia believes a Confederate statue of Robert E. Lee may have a time capsule in it containing an extrememly rare photo of Lincoln lying in his coffin. Starring Nicolas Cage.”

CHE – “According to a new study, dogs are smarter than cats. But I don’t know – I’ve never heard of a cat falling for the peanut butter trick.”

JOST – “A special performance of the off-Broadway show ‘Afterglow’ is being held this Sunday in which all the performers and the audience will be naked. It’s the play critics are calling, ‘Maybe Not Right Now?’”

For more information on “Saturday Night Live,” visit http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “Thursday is Thanksgiving, and there’s so much to be thankful for this year. Unless you’re a human woman.”

JOST – “More than a dozen women have now accused actor Jeremy Piven of sexual assault, spanning more than 30 years. The allegations were revealed in the shocking documentary, ‘Entourage.’”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “This week House Republicans passed a tax reform bill. Republicans claim the bill cuts taxes for everyone, from billionaires all the way down to regular ol’ millionaires, like Colin! The bill relies heavily on ‘trickle-down’ economics. But don’t worry it’s only called a trickle. You’re actually getting hosed. How do poor people keep getting Catfished into voting Republican? It’s like watching Forrest Gump get ditched by Jenny over and over and over again.”

JOST – “Paul Ryan said the tax plan will ‘increase take-home pay, grow the economy, and sustain long-term opportunities.’ ‘Increase.’ ‘Grow.’ ‘Sustain.’ Where have I seen those words before? Oh I know – on those sex pills at the deli counter. We already tried this tax plan in the 80s, and it didn’t work. Just like I tried those sex pills at the deli and now have to wear fake eyebrows.”

CHE – “A company in Texas is offering a service that will allow people to make an identical clone of their dog for 50,000 dollars. That story again: For 50,000 dollars, a company in Texas will sell you a different Golden Retriever.”

JOST – “NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is reportedly seeking a contract extension that would provide him with a salary of 50 million dollars, use of a private jet and lifetime health insurance for him and his family. That’s how expensive healthcare is! He’ll make 50 million dollars a year and he’s still like, ‘What about health care though?’”

JOST – “A man in India has set a new world record for longest moustache, growing out to over 18 feet. It’s all part of his plan to someday die on an escalator.”

JOST – “It was revealed that Prince William and Prince Harry will make cameos in the new ‘Star Wars’ movie as Stormtroopers. Even more surprising, this whole time it’s been Queen Elizabeth inside C-3PO.”

CHE – “A man in Arizona is claiming that he can relieve sinus pressure in his nose by masturbating. He first made the claim while police were removing him from the bus.”
JOST – “The makers of Pokémon Go are now developing a similar game based on the world of Harry Potter. The game will be called, ‘Harry Potter and the Kids Who Wandered Into Oncoming Traffic.’”

For more information on “Saturday Night Live,” visit http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/


“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “Well, it’s Veterans Day, and Donald Trump celebrated by finally going to Vietnam. First Lady Melania Trump stayed behind in China to visit the Beijing Zoo, while President Trump continued on to Vietnam, where he met with Russian president Vladimir Putin in their best Hillary Clinton blouses. During the meeting, Putin denied meddling in the election, and Trump said he believes him. But keep in mind that Trump also believes his wife when she said she was staying behind to visit the zoo. That’s my favorite new excuse for when you don’t want to hang out with someone. ‘Ah man, I’d love to, but I’ve got zoo stuff.’”

JOST – “During a speech in South Korea, President Trump warned North Korea to ‘not underestimate us.’ Which sounds tough, but then he immediately left the country. That’s like if in ‘Braveheart,’ William Wallace ended his speech with, ‘And they’ll never take our freedom! Anyway, I gotta run…zoo stuff. Peace.’”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “Earlier this week, North Korea issued a statement calling President Trump a ‘lunatic old man.’ And a few hours ago, Trump responded by tweeting, ‘Why would Kim Jong-un insult me by calling me “old,” when I would NEVER call him “short and fat”?’ Now, a lot of times Donald Trump goes way over the line with his tweets. But this time, that was pretty damn funny. I mean look at how vain and catty he is. They’re like, ‘You lunatic old man!’ and he’s like, ‘OLD?’”

CHE – “President Ms. Thang also said that this week’s shooting in Texas ‘isn’t a gun situation,’ but instead a ‘mental health problem at the highest level.’ But why can’t it be both? I mean, why can’t it be that because we have a mental health problem, we now have a gun situation? Just like how because my little cousin has a crack problem, my aunt now has a ‘missing silverware’ situation.”

JOST – “Well, it’s a good weekend to stay inside – since it’s 20 degrees out, and everyone you’ve ever heard of is a sex monster.”

JOST – “Alabama Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore has been accused of having inappropriate sexual relations when he was in his thirties with several teenage girls. Now I’m not saying he’s guilty, but his naughty little cowboy outfit is screaming it. It looks like a guy who shows up at ‘Westworld’ and says, ‘Hey, can someone show me where the middle school is?’ And how are we still surprised that someone who puts the Ten Commandments up everywhere doesn’t follow them? What’s next, it turns out the guy who always jokes about masturbating wasn’t joking about masturbating?”

CHE – “Alabama State Auditor Jim Ziegler defended Roy Moore using Mary and Joseph as examples, saying, ‘Mary was a teenager, and Joseph was an adult carpenter. They became parents of Jesus.’ Oh word? So that’s what you’re going with? Roy Moore was trying to make a Jesus? Ok, so I guess R. Kelly was just trying to make it rain for 40 days and 40 nights.”

CHE – “Democrats swept Tuesday’s elections in Virginia, New Jersey and New York, which are already blue states, so it’s a small victory for liberals but a victory nonetheless. Kinda like when you get an Uber and the driver’s white, and you’re like, ‘Oh. That’s nice.’”

CHE – “Also on Tuesday, Danica Roem became the first transgender candidate to win a seat in Virginia’s House of Delegates, defeating Bob Marshall, who called himself the state’s ‘chief homophobe.’ In fact, he’s so homophobic, he refused to get within eight points of her.”

JOST – “It was reported that Mike Pence has formed a Vice Presidents Club with Joe Biden and Dick Cheney, routinely calling them for advice. ‘Well, that sounds like a stupid club,’ said Al Gore to no one.”

CHE – “Sean Combs announced that he is once again changing his name, this time to ‘Brother Love’ as in ‘Damn, this brother love attention.’”

JOST – “The state of Vermont has officially recognized Ultimate Frisbee as a high school varsity sport…Dad.”

JOST – “Hidden Valley is now selling a five liter keg filled with ranch dressing, though the keg will only be sold in states that allow assisted suicide.”

CHE – “A new study finds that sheep have the ability to recognize faces. So remember, farmers: Always hit it from the back.”

CHE – “OJ Simpson’s parole may be revoked after he was thrown out of a Las Vegas hotel bar for being too drunk and throwing glasses. But come on, give him a break – I mean, you’d drink a lot too if your ex-wife was murdered.”

JOST – “Archaeologists in Egypt have discovered a 2000-year-old gymnasium, which featured a workout room, a racetrack…and based on my experience in gyms, the remains of an old man blow-drying his testicles.”

For more information on “Saturday Night Live,” visit http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “After the indictment of former Trump campaign chairman Paul Manafort, who also played Shooter McGavin in ‘Happy Gilmore,’ it was reported that Manafort has three different U.S. passports and traveled to Mexico, China and Ecuador with a phone he registered using an alias. So I don’t know what he’s guilty of, but it’s definitely not nothing. No one has three passports, a burner phone and good intentions, except maybe Santa Claus.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “President Trump lashed out on Twitter about the indictments from the Russia probe, and the unfair news coverage probably, and I’m sure he brought up ‘crooked Hillary’ again. Look I gotta be honest, I can’t read any more of this guys’ tweets. I’m tired of watching the President of the United States have an emotional breakdown on social media like he’s Tyrese. It’s embarrassing.”

CHE – “If you want to live tweet ‘Morning Joe’ or ‘Cupcake Wars,’ fine. But indictments are important. And you work for us. So go put on your baggy suit, fold your hair nice and answer all of our questions face to face like the public servant that you are. We shouldn’t have to wonder if our President is communicating to us from his toilet.”

JOST – “In response to the terrorist attack this week in Manhattan, President Trump has promised to end the ‘Diversity Immigrant Visa Lottery,’ which by the way, was named in order to make Fox News viewers’ heads explode. Obviously this attack was awful, but I’m not sure we should get rid of an entire immigration program based on the actions of one deranged individual. I mean we don’t look at Trump and say, ‘We should get rid of all Presidents.’”

CHE – “Paul Ryan said the new tax plan would make filing taxes so simple that people can do their taxes on a postcard. But I don’t want simple taxes ‘cause it probably means I’ll have to pay exactly what I owe. I want complicated as hell taxes, on a bunch of papers, with a bunch of questions, so I can lie. When somebody tells you, ‘Hey, I got a great tax guy,’ they don’t mean he’s gonna make taxes simple for you. They mean you’re about to claim your fleshlight as a dependent.”

JOST – “Advisors who are planning President Trump’s trip to Asia have warned officials in each country that Trump is not comfortable with new cuisines, and prefers familiar foods, like well-done steak and ice cream. They’d also like easier mazes on his placemats.”

CHE – “The CEO of American Airlines met with the head of NAACP over allegations that the airline is racially biased. And I bet they both showed up late. See it’s okay for me to make that joke because I’m racist. You know of all the stereotypes against black people I have never heard that we are bad on planes. Now if you said the NAACP had a meeting with the CEO of Loews movie theaters, yeah that tracks. But black people are awesome on planes. We always have our own headphones. We always leave our socks on. We never talk to strangers unless we’re telling you to shut that baby up. The real people you need to be worried about on planes are white women named Gail who clap when the plane lands.”

JOST – “MTV has launched a spin-off of its hit ‘Jersey Shore’ series set on the coast of Alabama and Florida called ‘Floribama Shore.’ Where the cast members can contract Gonormydia.”

JOST – “A mom in Wisconsin told police that she found a packet of meth in her child’s Halloween candy. Right after police asked her why she was raking the leaves naked at midnight.”

JOST – “A new report ranks the New York City subway system as the best in the country. This is according to ‘Masturbating Hobo Monthly.’”

CHE – “November is National Impotency Month. But I just can’t get excited.”
For more information on “Saturday Night Live,” visit http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/ 


“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “Apple has announced that it will add hundreds of new emojis to its iOS system, including a person at a spa, a vomiting face, and a shushing figure. Finally giving emoji fans the ability to describe what it was like to work for Harvey Weinstein.”

JOST – “Weinstein, who has been accused of multiple counts of sexual assault, is reportedly going to Europe for sex rehab. Somehow I don’t think that’s going to help anybody. He doesn’t need sex rehab. He needs a specialized facility where there are no women, no contact with the outside world, metal bars, and it’s a prison.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “You know, this is a tough spot for a comedian, because it’s so hard to make jokes about sexual assault. But it’s so easy to make jokes about a guy that looks like this. He looks like chewed bubble gum rolled in cat hair.”
CHE – “Weinstein told reporters that he was seeking help and added, ‘We all make mistakes.’ No man. A mistake is me walking into the wrong bathroom and using it anyway because I was crowning. But you assaulted dozens of women. That’s not a mistake. That’s a full season of Law & Order. Your name is a verb now dude. As in, ‘If this guy tries to Weinstein me, I’m gonna cut off his little Harvey.’ Ugh doesn’t he look like a well-dressed skin tag?”

JOST – “After issuing a series of executive orders designed to dismantle the Affordable Care Act, President Trump tweeted that ‘The Democrats ObamaCare is imploding. Dems should call me to fix!’ Well you can’t say it’s ‘imploding’ when you’re actively destroying it. Godzilla never tweeted, ‘Tokyo is totally imploding right now, I alone can solve!’”

JOST – “Experts are now worried that Trump’s actions could destabilize Obamacare markets, which brings the number of things Trump has destabilized up to: all of them. This is what Trump does. He messes everything up and then just rolls away like an old lady knocking over a wine display with her rascal scooter. He doesn’t care if other people get hurt, he just keeps moving. And then we hear, ‘Clean up on aisle Puerto Rico.’”

CHE – “During the signing ceremony for his executive orders on health care, President Trump walked away without even signing it. But then good ol’ Mike Pence was there to remind the teacher that she forgot to assign homework.”

CHE – “Several aides to President Trump are reportedly saying that he is ‘unraveling’ and ‘losing a step.’ So at what point exactly was he ever in step? ‘Cause from here, it’s been like nine months of watching a cat try to walk in Timberlands.”

JOST – “In a press conference President Trump continued to question the legitimacy of network news saying, ‘It is frankly disgusting the press is able to write whatever it wants to write.’ Although I think if the media could write whatever they wanted, they would have reported, ‘Hillary Clinton is next president.’”

JOST – “Military officials have announced that they will increase missions to train, advise and assist troops in the African nation of Niger. The focus on Niger is viewed as a direct challenge to President Trump’s autocorrect.”

CHE – “It was reported that North Korean hackers stole a number of military documents from South Korea, including a plan to assassinate Kim Jong Un. Though all the plan says is, ‘Wait for Diabetes.’”

For more information on “Saturday Night Live,” visit http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “The investigation into the tragedy in Las Vegas this week has sparked a larger debate in America between people who want common sense gun control and people who are wrong. This shouldn’t be a partisan issue, the guy had 47 guns. No one should own 47 of anything. If you own 47 cats, you’re not a ‘responsible pet owner.’ You’re a crazy cat lady. And unlike with guns, the government will actually come and take your cats away, because everyone agrees that’s insane.”
JOST – “Also, this guy bought 33 of his guns in the past year, and that didn’t set off any kind of alert? If I buy a hundred dollars’ worth of Chick-fil-A, I get a text message from my bank that says, ‘Did you just purchase a hundred dollars’ worth of Chick-fil-A? Please Colin, tell us this is fraud.’ How is no one keeping track of how many guns people own? There is a real law in Texas that says it’s illegal to own more than six dildos. And I get why. No one needs that many. If you have more than six dildos, it’s a clear sign you are training for something awful.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “Why is it so hard to get gun control in this country? Who are these delicate snowflakes that we can’t just tell, ‘No, you’re not allowed to have 40 guns anymore, Earl. From now on, you can have one gun, max. And six bullets. If you can’t hit what you’re shooting with six bullets, then you don’t need to be shooting at it. Learn Karate or use your words.’”

CHE – “I’m sick of this narrative that, ‘Americans just love guns so much.’ It’s not true. 78 percent of Americans don’t even own a gun. And three percent of Americans own 50 percent of all the guns in the country. That’s the problem: that whiny three percent that needs to feel secure all the time. That’s why I think we should do a buyback program. For every gun you trade in, we give you one half inch of penis enlargement. If you trade in 10 guns, you get five more inches! And if women wanna trade in their guns, uh, don’t. Keep them. You’re probably gonna need it to fight off all those men in spandex showing off their brand new eight inch penises.”

CHE – “We have to do something about the guns in this country. And I know about the Second Amendment. I know you think you need your guns to protect you from the government. I noticed the people that bring up the Second Amendment all the time are always the same people that preach, ‘Respect law enforcement! Support the troops!’ Meanwhile, they have a closet full of weapons because they think those same troops are gonna come and drive their house away. It’s hypocritical. It’s like saying, ‘I love my wife, I trust my wife, but I swear to God, that sneaky bitch is coming for me.’”

JOST – “President Trump finally arrived in Puerto Rico this week and let’s just say, problem solved. Nothing says ‘I understand the gravity of the situation’ like a billionaire tossing six rolls of paper towels to hurricane victims. Watching this, I realized Trump might not be the best president, but he would be the best mascot. Just let him go nuts like the Philly Fanatic throwing free stuff to fans, cruising around on a four-wheeler, mocking other countries while he shakes that big ‘ol butt around.”

JOST – “Meanwhile, Attorney General Jeff Sessions is now ending an Obama policy protecting transgender employees from discrimination. Clearly Trump and Sessions only care about reversing this policy because Obama created it. What we need to do is convince these guys that Obama wrote the Second Amendment to protect guns. And the next day, Trump will be tossing our guns in the ocean like paper towels.”

JOST – “The ‘world’s heaviest woman’ died this week. The world’s heaviest woman was best known for her catchphrase: ‘Stop calling me that.’”

JOST – “For O.J. Simpson’s first meal after being released from prison, he had two Double Quarter Pounder meals from McDonald’s. Which explains the new slogan for Burger King. ‘Burger King: O.J. Eats at McDonald’s.’”

CHE – “The White House is expected to soon roll back the federal requirement for employers to include birth control coverage in their health insurance. Which is just ridiculous. I mean, of all the goofy nonsense that employers do pay for – cookie cakes, tote bags, office parties – you can’t also spring 10 bucks a month for birth control? How ‘bout just skip one ‘bagel Friday’ so that Karen in accounting doesn’t have to take a maternity leave every time she raw dogs her husband. How could any guy even be against birth control if it means better sex and no kids? We don’t even get any of the side effects. Women do, and they’re fine with it. Honestly, I don’t know how we’re getting away with this. It knocks their entire chemistry out of whack. Women are basically putting their bodies through global warming just so I can keep pretending to have a latex allergy.”

JOST – “LG has introduced a new smartphone that emits ultrasonic waves, which it says will keep mosquitoes away… from your new brain tumor.”

JOST – “A new survey finds that half of Americans think that in the future having sex with a robot will be normal. While the other half are women.”

For more information on “Saturday Night Live,” visit http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/


“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “Well after President Trump was criticized for a terrible response to Hurricane Maria, this morning, he finally gave the people of Puerto Rico what they needed most…a bunch of tweets straight up calling them lazy. Trump said the people of Puerto Rico ‘want everything to be done for them.’ Then he told his caddy to repair his divot and drive him to the next hole.”

JOST – “But, hey, Trump always said he was going to get things done faster than any other President. And now I believe him, because it took George W. Bush five years to get to his Katrina.”

JOST – “Meanwhile rapper Pitbull has loaned out his private jet to help rescue people in Puerto Rico. Wow. If only Donald Trump knew someone with a private jet. How is the President of the United States worse at humanitarian aid than Pitbull?”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “After the Mayor of San Juan criticized the government’s Puerto Rican relief efforts, President Trump attacked her on Twitter saying: ‘The Mayor of San Juan, who was very complimentary only a few days ago, has now been told by the Democrats that you must be nasty to Trump.’ Oh, really Donald? You bitch. Was she nasty to you? Are you shaken? You wanna go smoke a Virginia Slim until your hand stops moving? This isn’t that complicated man. It’s hurricane relief, these people need help. You just did this for white people twice. Go tell Melania to put on her flood heels, get some bottled water, some food, pack up some extra Atlanta Falcons Super Bowl t-shirts and write them a check with our money you cheap cracker. In one month you’ve mishandled Puerto Rico, DACA, the NFL… It’s like whenever anybody darker than your golf pants has a problem, you’re thinking ‘How can I make this worse?’”

JOST – “Health and Human Services Secretary Tom Price was forced to resign yesterday after he was caught using almost a million dollars in taxpayer money to fly on private jets. Yeah, that’s cool you resigned and all. But how ‘bout you pay us back the money. You can’t walk into a store, do a million dollars-worth of damage and then be like, ‘Okay. I get it. I’ll leave.’ No, pay us! Besides, you can make that million back when you publish your memoire: ‘Oh the Places You’ll Go In a Government-Funded Private Jet.’”

JOST – “This week President Trump also continued his criticism of NFL players who protest during the national anthem. I guess Trump thought, ‘CNN and MSNBC already hate me. How can I get ESPN to hate me too?’ I’m worried it’s not going to stop with ESPN though. Next he’s gonna tweet at Nickelodeon that they need to show us Dora’s papers.”

CHE – “The commissioner of the NBA said that he expected players to follow league rules and stand during the national anthem. The NBA is what, 130-140 percent black? What exactly are you gonna do if they all decide to kneel? Have a game between the New York Porzingis and the San Antonio Ginobili? How’d this guy even get to be the commissioner of the NBA, anyway? He looks like somebody put a suit on a sex toy.”

CHE – “It’s hard to ask black people to respect the flag when we know that this country cares more about it than us. And we love the flag, it’s just that white guys really love the flag. The only people I’ve seen love their flag more than white dudes are gay guys and the Bloods.”

CHE – “And it’s not personal. You just gotta understand, there are 50 stars on the American flag, but black people only feel welcomed in like eight. Some of those stars we still don’t know too much about. That’s why if you ask a black person does he love America, we’ll be like, ‘Yeah, I love Brooklyn. I’m still reserving judgment on the Dakotas.’”

CHE – “There was no vote on the Republican healthcare bill which means that the Obamacare repeal is officially dead. But is it? It’s been dead three times already, and it keeps coming back like a Jason movie. At this rate, we’re only a few years away from Freddy vs. Healthcare. Which really scares the hell out of me, cause we all know who dies first in those movies.”

JOST – “Playboy founder Hugh Hefner passed away this week at the age of 91. He will be buried in a folder marked, ‘Work Stuff.’”

JOST – “October is Blindness Awareness Month, so don’t forget to say you’re wearing a ribbon.”

CHE – “Saudi Arabia announced on Tuesday that it would begin allowing women to drive. Wow. That’s only a few short years after cars were allowed to drive themselves.”

JOST – “Maintenance workers in Baltimore say that they have cleared a 140 ton ‘fatberg’ from the sewer system, which is made up of congealed fat and waste that will not break down. So good news Baltimore… the McRib is back!”

JOST – “Hostess is unveiling new flavors of their snack cakes, including White Fudge Ding Dongs. Coincidentally, ‘White Fudge Ding Dongs’ is what they call ‘Weekend Update’ in China.”

CHE – “A new report shows that 2016 had the highest number of sexually transmitted diseases ever reported. Beating the record previously held by Kid Rock.”

For more information on “Saturday Night Live,” visit http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “Ok I know I said this last week, but this week was crazy. Obviously Trump’s not done yet, but let’s just say Mike Pence is definitely warming up in the bullpen.”

JOST – “With the White House reeling from allegations of obstructing justice, President for-now Trump said point blank that he never told FBI Director James Comey to end the Russia investigation. So this sets up a real dilemma: Who are you going to believe, the head of the FBI or the guy who’s definitely lying?”

JOST – “It was also reported that Trump asked Comey when he would publicly announce that Trump was not under investigation. Which sounds pretty suspicious. If you’re watching an episode of ‘Law and Order’ and the husband asks the detectives, ‘So when are you going to announce I’m not a suspect in my wife’s disappearance?’ that guy definitely buried a lady in the woods.”

JOST – “A friend of Comey’s also revealed that Comey was so uncomfortable around Trump that he tried to blend in with the curtains at the back of the room so Trump wouldn’t see him. But if he really wanted to avoid interacting with Trump, he should have just married him.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “The Justice Department has named Robert Mueller as special counsel to oversee the investigation of the Trump campaign. This should make Trump nervous, because Mueller is a former director of the FBI. And the FBI are the cops for rich white guy crimes like bank fraud. So Trump finding out Mueller is investigating him is like a chicken finding out it’s being investigated by a Kentucky colonel.”
CHE – “You can tell Trump knows the heat is on, because he tweeted out ‘This is the single greatest witch hunt of a politician in American history.’ I guess he’s right. It is pretty great!”
CHE – “President Trump also said in a speech that, ‘no politician in history has been treated worse or more unfairly’ than him. Honey, it’s because you’re not a real politician. You’re a politician like Ja Rule is a festival organizer.”

JOST – “It was reported yesterday that President Trump told a Russian official, quote, ‘I just fired the head of the FBI. He was crazy, a real nut job.’ Which actually makes sense. The only people Trump ever interacts with are conspiracy theorists, Russian gangsters, and Scott Baio. Comey is probably so normal that to Trump he seems insane. He’s like, ‘You gotta meet this lunatic. He’s got one wife, owns zero helicopters, and he doesn’t even believe Hillary Clinton runs a sex ring out of a pizza shop. Total nut job!’ In the end, I’m just happy that a nut job wasn’t something that happened to Trump in a Russian hotel room.”
CHE – “It was also reported in that same meeting, Trump revealed classified intelligence. Of course he did! He’s just excited to let people know that he knows stuff. Trump handles government secrets like my aunts handle church gossip. I bet everything he leaks to Russia starts with, ‘Russia, grrrl sit down.’”

JOST – “Tomorrow is going to be exciting because President Trump is scheduled to give a speech about Islam in Saudi Arabia. Which is kind of like Mike Pence giving a toast at a gay wedding.”

JOST – “The University of California, Davis has installed a new vending machine that sells Plan B emergency contraception. While at Florida State, they just shoot it out of t-shirt cannons at halftime.”

JOST – “A Kickstarter project has been launched to create a line of rompers for men called, ‘Romphim.’ As in, ‘the victim of the beating was wearing a romphim.’”

JOST – “A new gym has opened in New York called ‘ConBody,’ which looks like a Prison and features work outs developed by former inmates. So you might want to shower at home.”

CHE – “Officials in a small town in China have given into animal rights activists and made it illegal to sell dog meat. So good news animal lovers, free dog meat!”

CHE – “A new poll shows that Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson would beat Donald Trump in a hypothetical race for president. The Rock would also beat his longtime rival Dwayne ‘The Scissors’ Johnson.”

For more information on “Saturday Night Live,” visit http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/


“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “Well, I know most of us think this every week, but this week was crazy! On Tuesday, President Trump fired FBI Director James Comey. Then the White House panicked and started blurting out excuses like a husband with glitter on his collar.”

JOST – “Finally, Trump came forward and said he decided to fire Comey himself because Comey quote ‘Wasn’t doing a good job.’ Adding, ‘For example, I’m still President.’ Then called Comey a ‘showboat.’ This guy is a showboat? He looks like if the word ‘Gosh’ became a person.”

JOST – “Trump was reportedly surprised that people were angry he fired the guy investigating the Trump campaign. How did Trump not realize that was suspicious? I mean, if a drug-sniffing dog came up to your bag in the airport, and your response was to shoot the dog, people would really wonder – what’s in that bag? Or they’d just assume you worked for United.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “Steve Bannon reportedly told the President that this was not the right time to fire Comey. Well, when’s the good time to fire the guy investigating you? While he’s putting on the handcuffs? Also, you know something looks bad when Steve Bannon walks in your office with his hot dog breath, and his ten o’clock shadow, like ‘This could be bad for our image.’”

JOST – “After the Comey news was made public, White House Press Secretary Sean Spicer tried to evade reports by ducking into some bushes. Which is weird because diving into bushes without warning is usually his boss’ thing.”

JOST – “Spicer’s thirsty understudy Sarah Huckabee Sanders said James Comey had committed ‘basic atrocities’ while he was head of the FBI like reopening the Hillary Clinton investigation. But that’s not a ‘basic atrocity.’ A basic atrocity is when you post a brunch photo that says ‘Pizza is life’ or when your profile pic is of you on an inflatable swan. ‘Basic atrocities,’ by the way, is also where Sarah Huckabee Sanders gets her wardrobe.”

CHE – “President Trump warned in a tweet that, ‘James Comey better hope that there are no “tapes” of our conversations before he starts leaking to the press!’ I don’t even know what that means, because he put the word ‘tapes’ in quotes Adding random quotations to a word just makes everything sound a lot worse. It’s the difference between saying, ‘Grandma is sleeping’ and ‘Grandma is “sleeping.”’”

CHE – “Trump also tweeted, ‘As a very active president, with lots of things happening, it’s not possible for my surrogates to stand at the podium with perfect accuracy.’ First of all, ‘very active’ is not how you describe a president. That’s how you describe the imagination of a child who draws pictures of his school on fire.”

JOST – “A letter released by President Trump’s lawyers claims that the last 10 years of his tax returns do not show any income from Russian sources, quote, ‘with a few exceptions.’ With a few exceptions is not a comforting phrase. That’s like hearing, ‘Don’t worry, all the kids came back from the field trip – with a few exceptions.’”

CHE – “Education Secretary Betsy DeVos was booed while giving the commencement address at the historically all-black Bethune-Cookman University. It was the most booing from an all-black audience since I let Colin [Jost] open for me at the Apollo.”
CHE – “Aunt Jemima is recalling several frozen breakfast food products because they might contain Listeria, who, I’m guessing, is Jemima’s sister.”

JOST – “Officials in India are hoping to deal with the exploding monkey population by providing the monkeys with birth control. India: Where they treat monkeys better than America treats women. By the way, they had to use birth control pills because every time they tried to teach a monkey how to put on a condom, they ate the banana.”

JOST – “A company in Canada has created new software that can mimic anyone’s voice and get it to say anything. So I guess I’ll finally be able to hear my dad say, ‘I’m proud of you.’”
CHE – “Tomorrow is Mother’s Day, so don’t forget to call your momma – ‘cuz I won’t.’”
JOST – “McDonald’s has introduced a new utensil called the ‘Frork,’ which is a fork made with French fries. It’s the perfect way to tell your arteries to ‘go frork themselves.’”

For more information on “Saturday Night Live,” visit http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/


“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “Well this week President Trump started building his wall. A wall between millions of Americans and their healthcare.”

JOST – “The house voted to repeal and replace ObamaCare, and many congressmen admitted they didn’t even read the bill before voting on it. They’re treating health care the way I treat an iTunes agreement. Like, ‘I’m sure it’s fine…’ Then suddenly I’m dealing with a pre-existing condition, like that U2 album they forced onto our phones.”

JOST – “The bill was strongly opposed by the American Medical Association, the American Hospital Association and the National Physicians Alliance. Though it did receive a rare thumbs up from the Grim Reaper.”

JOST – “Some expect this law to hurt Republicans in the midterm elections since it will raise premiums for older Americans and not cover people with pre-existing conditions. And this is the worst part – the bill has a provision that requires children’s wheelchairs to explode. That’s not true. But isn’t it troubling that for a second, you thought it might be?”

JOST – “Even the AARP criticized the Republican bill saying the rushed changes make, ‘A bad bill even worse.’ It was the AARP’s most scathing indictment since ‘Soup Too Hot.’”
“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “I don’t understand why healthcare is so complicated. Literally dozens of other countries have already figured it out. Trump even said that Australia has better healthcare than us. Well, then why don’t we just do what they did? Treat it like high school. If you don’t have the answer, cheat off the smart foreign kid. We take stuff from other countries all the time, why not take working policies? Australia’s like, ‘Our healthcare system is amazing.’ And we’re like, ‘Yea, yea. You got any more of them Hemsworths?’”

CHE – “President Trump said he would be ‘honored’ to meet with Kim Jong Un. I guess it’s nice to know that World War III will start over who gets the last pork chop.”

CHE – “Maybe Trump meeting with crazy dictators isn’t such a bad thing. We finally have a president who speaks fluent maniac. That could be helpful. Like the only person who can deal with my crazy Uncle Jeff is my crazy Uncle George. And it’s great when they’re together. Because we can all just enjoy a peaceful Thanksgiving dinner, while they’re in the bathroom measuring.”

JOST – “Trump will take his first international trip as President this month, visiting Saudi Arabia, Israel and the Vatican. Trump chose these three countries after Steve Bannon told him a joke about a Muslim, a Jew and a Priest. And Trump was like, ‘I gotta meet these guys.’”

JOST – “A woman arrested for drunk driving in Pennsylvania falsely told police that her name was Hillary Clinton. Police knew it wasn’t her though because Hillary Clinton would never go to Pennsylvania.”

JOST – “A pipe over New York’s Penn Station burst this week raining down raw sewage on commuters. An event Penn Station commuters are calling ‘an improvement.’”
For more information on “Saturday Night Live,” visit http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/


“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “We have breaking news tonight about Kim Jong Un, who actually describes himself as the Harry Styles of North Korea. Just hours ago North Korea attempted a missile launch but as soon as it took off it immediately exploded. North Korea claimed the failed launch was actually just ‘a tribute to Donald Trump’s first 100 days in office.’”

JOST – “As tensions have mounted between the U.S. and North Korea, Vice President Mike Pence was sent to South Korea, even though for Mike Pence, going south is a sin. Meanwhile, Donald Trump spent the weekend on the one peninsula less stable than Korea…Florida.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “In an interview President Trump explained that his stance on North Korea changed after meeting with China’s president, saying, ‘After listening for 10 minutes, I realized it’s not so easy.’ Which part? The North Korea part? Or the listening for 10 minutes part? Also, nothing says, ‘I wasn’t really listening’ more than saying, ‘I listened for 10 minutes.’ You’re never gonna hear, ‘I listened for 10 minutes, and now I know karate!’ You can’t just half listen and politely nod to the President of China like he’s asking you to check out his mixtape.”

JOST – “Health inspectors in Florida have issued 13 violations against President Trump’s Mar-A-Lago resort. But Trump isn’t too worried since he’s built up immunities to most diseases from a lifetime of waiters spitting in his food.”

CHE – “The Secret Service requested a 60 million dollar budget increase on top of the 74 million dollars already set aside for protecting Trump and his family. That’s 134 million dollars for protection. Are you getting them all ‘Iron Man’ suits? No family is in that much danger. I grew up in the New York City projects in the crack 80s and all we had for protection was a pitbull and a praying grandma. And if one of us got hurt, that was just God’s plan baby. You just put down some candles on the basketball court and you can move on.”

CHE – “Dr. Ben Carson toured a housing complex this week and got stuck in the elevator, where he spent 45 minutes trying to dial 911 on the floor buttons.”

JOST – “In shocking news this week, United is possibly not a great airline. On Thursday a passenger on one of their flights – and somehow this is true – was stung by a scorpion that fell from an overhead bin. And that was the best thing that happened on a United flight this week. The way worse story of course was that this poor doctor was dragged off an oversold flight to make room for United employees. United, your slogan is literally ‘Fly the Friendly Skies.’ I can’t think of anything less appropriate. That’s like if Chipotle’s slogan was ‘You’re gonna have an easy time on the toilet.’ Though I will say in fairness, United only promises to be friendly in the skies. On the ground, their slogan is ‘Don’t even look at us.’ After all this, I will never fly United Airlines ever again. Unless they have a cheap flight to wherever I’m going. In which case I’ll definitely fly United.”

JOST – “A woman in Australia gave birth to a 13 pound baby, completely ruining her ‘Down Under.’ Doctors say it has left her with what you might call a bloomin’ onion.”

CHE – “Police in Austria report that more than 1 million bees have been stolen from a local park. Or, and hear me out, they just flew away.”

CHE – “An ice cream parlor has begun serving ice cream specially made for dogs to eat. So take that, Africa! It even comes in dogs’ two favorite flavors: bacon and butt.”

JOST – “A new study finds that infants start to show racist tendencies between 6 and 9 months of age. And by the time they’re two, they’re already yelling at Dora to speak English.”

For more information on “Saturday Night Live,” visit http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “Well it turns out the only thing scarier than Donald Trump acting un-presidential is Donald Trump acting presidential. In response to the Syrian regime’s chemical weapons attack, President Trump on Thursday sent 59 tomahawk missiles to disable a Syrian airfield. Because when Donald Trump is angry, he always presses ‘send.’”

JOST – “This is one of those moments where it seems extra jarring that Donald Trump is our president. Even if you’re a Trump supporter, it’s gotta seem a little crazy that he’s starting a real war with Assad, while he’s still bogged down in a Twitter war with Schwarzenegger. Remember after Trump got elected, and everyone was like, ‘Stop taking Trump literally! He’s not literally gonna ban Muslims and deport Mexicans and bomb the hell out of everyone.’ All I’m saying is, if I were Hillary Clinton, I’d start getting in prison shape.”
“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “President Trump met with the Chinese president this week at his Mar-a-Lago estate. And when they stood next to each other for the first time, one thing became very clear – if you mashed them together they would look exactly like Steven Seagal.”

CHE – “The ‘New York Times’ has reported that Bill O’Reilly and Fox News have paid out 13 million dollars to five different women to settle their sexual harassment claims. Thirteen million dollars to five women. Best case scenario that means you’re so bad with women that every time you tried to flirt, it cost you 2.5 million dollars. I’m bad with women too, but the most it’s ever cost me was a 2 star rating on Uber pool.”

CHE – “A woman in California was injured after she fell 60 feet while trying to take a selfie from a bridge. Worse, she no longer has a good side.”

JOST – “Well, it’s official… Barry Manilow is gay. This story was first reported in the comment sections of his YouTube videos.”

CHE – “Officials at the Cleveland Zoo have announced that one of their critically endangered black rhinos is pregnant. Still no word on if she plans to keep it.”

CHE – “New research shows that the first thing 59 percent of people eat on their chocolate Easter bunnies are the ears. While the rest are like me and go straight for that butt.”
JOST – “It was reported that Yahoo and AOL will combine to form a new company. Because no one wants to die alone.”

For more information on “Saturday Night Live,” visit http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/


“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “This week Republicans made their best effort to unite the country, by presenting a new healthcare plan that everybody could hate. Together.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “It was estimated that the Republicans’ healthcare plan gives a 400 billion dollar tax break to the rich, while the poor will receive a box of generic Band-Aids and a travel size bottle of AirBorne.”

CHE – “Democrats are upset because a lot of poor people could lose coverage. Conservatives are upset because it doesn’t repeal Obamacare enough. And I’m upset because it still doesn’t cover medicinal cocaine. And I got a screenplay to finish.”

CHE – “The White House is officially calling the bill the ‘American Health Care Act.’ And not as many in the media have been calling it ‘Trumpcare,’ or as they probably should be calling it, ‘Don’t Care.’ ‘Are you old and poor and losing coverage? Don’t care.’”

CHE – “Representative Jason Chaffetz defended the costs of the new healthcare bill, saying that if poor people want insurance they will have to choose between healthcare and ‘that new iPhone.’ That’s ridiculous. How are you supposed to know when you need a doctor, if you don’t have an iPhone to FaceTime your junk to Colin, and ask ‘Yo man, you ever get this before?’”

CHE – “WikiLeaks released documents, saying the CIA can hack into personal devices and spy on people. Now this is why I’m glad I have black grandparents. They told me the CIA was recording everything years ago. One year I got my grandfather a Universal remote and he smashed it with his dress shoe and said, ‘Boy don’t you know that’s how they got Dr. King!’”

JOST – “It was reported that Jennifer Lopez is now dating Alex Rodriguez. J-Lo and A-Rod go by the cool celebrity couple name of, you guessed it, Alennifex Lodripez.”

JOST – “For the second year in a row the happiest city in the country is Naples, Florida. While the least happy city is once again Puppy Funeral, Minnesota.”

CHE – “Last week was World Orphan Week. So to all you orphans out there…better luck next year.”

CHE – “OJ Simpson could be released from prison as soon as this fall. And ladies, he’s single…  ” 

JOST – “The co-founder of the Waffle House passed away this week at 97. He died the way so many Waffle House patrons have: A knife fight in the parking lot.”
For more information on “Saturday Night Live,” visit http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/


“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “Without offering any evidence, in a series of tweets Donald Trump accused former President Obama of wiretapping Trump Tower during the election. He even tweeted: ‘Is it legal for a sitting president to be wiretapping a race for president prior to an election?’ Dude, you’re the President of the United States and you’re seeking legal counsel on Twitter? That’s like your doctor tweeting out, ‘Hey, does this look infected?’”
“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “I do have to give Trump some credit though. Earlier this week he was able to speak like a human president for over an hour. In fact, 78% of Americans had a positive reaction to Trump’s speech. But that’s just because the bar was set at ‘read words good.’ It’s not an encouraging sign that we’re holding the President of the United States to the same standard as any Bar Mitzvah boy.”

CHE – “President Trump appeared optimistic saying, ‘Everything that is broken in our country can be fixed.’ Which is hard to believe coming from a guy who’s spent the better part of his life as a slumlord. Whenever a bad landlord says they’ll fix something, you know they’re just going to send some Russian dude to do it.”

CHE – “President Trump said that his budget will help enlarge what he calls a ‘depleted military.’ Depleted military? In relation to what? The Death Star? I think out military has body dysmorphia. We’re like that roided out guy at the gym, slamming plates around, still working on our traps and it’s like yeah dude, we get it, you’re strong. Maybe focus on education now.”

CHE – “Kellyanne Conway was widely criticized this week after being photographed kneeling on a couch in the Oval Office. And yes, it does look like she’s searching for a Flo Rida playlist to make the black people dance. But I’m not gonna make fun of her. I actually feel bad for Kellyanne Conway. Her job sucks. You know when an airline loses your luggage and you can’t talk to the CEO, so you just end up screaming at some frazzled lady that’s now gotta spend her lunch break crying into a Lean Cuisine? Well that lady is Kellyanne Conway. That’s her day. We’ve all had rough jobs, but could you imagine being customer service for Donald Trump?”

JOST – “This week it was revealed that Attorney General Jeff Sessions met with the Ambassador of Russia during the campaign, even though he denied such a meeting at his confirmation hearing. Now, saying ‘no’ to a question when the answer is ‘yes’ might seem like a pretty black and white issue, but remember: Black and White issues are what Jeff Sessions is worst at. The only silver lining is that now when you Google ‘Jeff Sessions,’ ‘Jeff Sessions Russia’ comes up before ‘Jeff Sessions Racist.’ So that’s an improvement.”

JOST – “According to reports, while Mike Pence was Governor of Indiana he used a personal AOL email account to discuss sensitive matters, including homeland security. Pence said he originally chose AOL because Hotmail was forbidden by his church.”
CHE – “It was revealed that a church in North Carolina forced married couples to wait a year before having sex. Which means the ‘something blue’ at their wedding was ‘balls.’”

JOST – “For the first time in 146 years it has not snowed in Chicago during the months of January and February. Or all the snowflakes were shot before they reached the ground.”

CHE – “March is Women’s History Month, while April is a lot of backed up dishes.”

JOST – “The pizza chain Famous Famiglia, which is opening a store in Ghana, will ship New York City water to the African country to make their pizza taste authentic. Said Ghana, ‘Wait, you could have shipped us water this entire time?’”

JOST – “A British songwriter is suing U2 claiming that the band stole one of his songs. Though I don’t like the songwriter’s chances, because his lawyer is working pro Bono.”

For more information on “Saturday Night Live,” visit http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/


“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “A new list of terrorist attacks released by the White House this week was riddled with spelling errors. Or there’s been a huge increase in radical Icelandic terrorism.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “An appeals court unanimously upheld a suspension of President Trump’s travel ban. But, I mean, who are they to judge? Oh, federal judges? Oh. Yeah. Minutes after the ruling President Trump tweeted in all caps, ‘SEE YOU IN COURT!’ Honey, you can’t threaten federal judges with more court. And, you just lost in court. Trump’s a guy that gets his ass kicked in an alley and then yells, ‘Let’s take this outside!!’”

CHE – “But then Friday, President Trump said he may just file a brand new immigration order, instead of appealing to the Supreme Court. Of course. Because nobody actually follows through on an all caps tweet. I once tweeted in all caps, ‘I AM NEVER DRINKING AGAIN.’ And 3 days later, my account was disabled by NBC for drunk tweeting at Meredith Vieira.”

JOST – “While signing the new executive orders on crime, President Trump said, ‘A new era of justice begins and it begins right now.’ Then he spent 20 minutes struggling to get into a Batman costume.”

CHE – “On Thursday the White House, quote, ‘counseled’ Kellyanne Conway after she violated a federal ethics rule by promoting Ivanka Trump’s clothing line on Fox News. Counseled? Her job title is literally counselor to the president. So Trump’s White House is so dysfunctional, his counselor needs a counselor. That’s like your Uber driver asking you to get out and push.”

JOST – “The Senate voted Wednesday to confirm Jeff Beauregard Sessions as our new confederate general. Sorry, Attorney General.”

JOST – “Sessions was rejected for a position as a federal judge in 1986 over concerns of racism. But don’t worry, if there’s one thing that usually makes racists better, it’s age.”

CHE – “Newly confirmed Secretary of Education Betsy Devos was blocked from entering a school by protesters. You know, I can’t remember this many people freaking out over cabinet positions. My white friend asked me, ‘Can you believe they’re putting Ben Carson in charge of the projects?’ And I was like, ‘There’s somebody in charge of the projects?’ Since when? Who the hell is he replacing? The Crips?”

CHE – “You know, the pace of this presidency is exhausting. I never thought I’d say this, but I’m starting to feel bad for Donald Trump. In just the span of one day, he was in a losing battle with three federal judges, a decorated war hero, and a department store. Dude, pace yourself. Donald Trump can’t keep this up. Not with that old bloated Kentucky Fried Chicken body. No wonder he’s always cranky, he’s probably gassy. Plus now every time he checks the internet, he’s gotta see pictures of Obama in the Caribbean, getting his groove back. Obama’s all tanned, getting henna tattoos. Meanwhile, Trump is force-smiling through a 30-second handshake with the Prime Minister of Japan like ‘What the eff am I doing here?’ It’s sad. I hope Trump quits. I mean, Donald, is this really how you wanna spend the last two years of your life?”

CHE – “A new coffee shop has opened in Brooklyn that will sell an $18 cup of coffee. Which only makes sense to me if it’s served with a side of 15 damn dollars.”
JOST – “An American woman set a new record by visiting every country in the world in 19 months. And after all that travel, she found the one thing that had been inside her all along. Zika.”

JOST – “A Massachusetts couple whose son was born during the Super Bowl has named him ‘Brady.’ And an Atlanta couple whose son was born during the Super Bowl has named him, ‘Son of a Bitch!’”

CHE – “A Cheeto that looks like the gorilla Harambe was sold on eBay for nearly $100,000. The buyer is actually a little like Harambe in that he also deserves to be shot.”
For more information on “Saturday Night Live,” visit http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/


“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR MICHAEL CHE – “Donald Trump has signed 18 executive orders in his first 12 days as president. Now that sounds like a lot, but keep in mind. That it is a lot.”

“WEEKEND UPDATE” ANCHOR COLIN JOST – “A federal judge last night temporarily blocked President Trump’s Travel Ban from being enforced. But Trump’s not too worried about it, because for him getting temporarily blocked is just foreplay.”

CHE – “Everything people said Trump couldn’t do, he just does. His slogan should’ve been, ‘Yes we can.’ You can’t ban Muslims. ‘Yes we can.’ Just two weeks as president, and he’s putting up walls, kicking people out. Trump is gut renovating the country like it’s a crack house on ‘Flip or Flop.’”

CHE – “Eighteen in 12 days? I haven’t seen this many executive orders since Obama made 19 in 12 days. But that was like eight years ago. Back then it was crazy, we had a black president, it was weird! Even then, Donald Trump actually criticized Obama for signing so many executive orders. But that’s only because Donald Trump didn’t like Obama. And when you really don’t like someone, you don’t wanna see them make any decisions, even if it’s in your favor. Trump could sign an order for free pizza and protestors would be outside the White House demanding tacos.”

JOST – “The White House responded to criticism of the Travel Ban by saying that they’re not banning Muslims, they’re just banning people from seven Muslim-majority nations. Which is sort of like saying, ‘We’re not banning white people, we’re just banning people who loved ‘La La Land.’”

CHE – “Trump says the ban is to prevent ‘radical Islamic terrorists’ in America. But, first of all, what is ‘radical Islam?’ That’s just too subjective of a term. I have a Muslim friend. He doesn’t eat pork and he doesn’t have sex with white women. And to me, that’s mad radical. But he’s not a terrorist. Terrorism is the actual problem. When you only associate terrorism with one religion, you make them synonymous. There’s 1.7 billion Muslims in this world. If you think 1.7 billion people are actively trying to kill you, maybe you’re a little radical.”
CHE – “Also, how are we supposed to find these terrorists if the only thing we know about them is that they’re one of almost 2 billion other people? I mean, there’s two billion people who drink alcohol, and alcohol kills like 1,000 times more people than ‘radical Islam.’ But the difference is alcohol never has a problem getting on an airplane, because people aren’t afraid of it. Meanwhile, if you got on a plane and saw the pilot wearing a turban, you’d be like, ‘I hope he’s just using that thing to hide his booze.’”

JOST – “While appearing on MSNBC, Kellyanne Conway defended President Trump’s Travel Ban by referencing what she called the ‘Bowling Green Massacre,’ which is a terrorist attack that never happened. In response, Congress immediately launched an investigation into Hillary Clinton’s role in the Bowling Green Massacre.”

JOST – “In a phone call with Australia’s Prime Minister, President Trump called a plan to accept more than a thousand refugees from the country, ‘a dumb deal.’ Trump threatened to retaliate by hitting Australia with a 20 percent import tax on Hemsworth Brothers.”

CHE – “Donald Trump’s call with the Australian Prime Minister got so heated, he had to send Steve Bannon to smooth things over with their Ambassador. But honestly, if I got a call from Australia telling me to do something I didn’t wanna do, I’d probably do the same thing. Even if it were important, I’d be like, ‘Who cares? It’s Australia. Isn’t it still yesterday over there? Just go there tomorrow and tell them I didn’t say that today.’”

CHE – “On Groundhog Day, Punxsutawney Phil saw his shadow, meaning six more weeks of winter. Isn’t it kind of funny that Groundhog Day starts the second day of Black History Month? Just one day into learning about Martin Luther King and Rosa Parks, and we’re like ‘Oh look, a groundhog!”

JOST – “Police at Kennedy Airport arrested a man after they found cocaine hidden in three cans of tuna. He faces up to 10 years for the cocaine and the death penalty for bringing tuna onto an airplane.”

JOST – “A new study finds that people can improve their sleep by camping outside for a week during the winter. The study was published by hungry wolves.”

JOST – “A Saudi Prince has reportedly spent more than $15,000 to buy seats on a flight for his 80 pet falcons. Then all hell broke loose when they started the in-flight movie: ‘Stuart Little.’”

CHE – “Tomorrow is Super Bowl 51, and it’s New England versus Atlanta. After everything this year, I just wanna watch football and Doritos commercials. I used to make fun of white guys for getting upset at Kaepernick for protesting the National Anthem, but now I get it. I’m exhausted too. For three hours, I just don’t wanna think about any social issues or politics. I just wanna relax, turn off my brain, and watch the blackest city in America beat the most racist city I’ve ever been to.”

For more information on “Saturday Night Live,” visit http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/

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